The Return of Mina Jade

February 15, 2012

Mina Jade is back. Hell hath no fury like a borderline scorned:

Well, not as if assured, well-balanced SavoryDish could accept or display any critical message… but I still have a few words to this sad and specious site.

Uhmmm, did I not accept and display Mina Jade’s last rageful message? But it’s never enough. Is it? Borderlines like Mina Jade are never satisfied. They are always discontent. You can never make them happy. You can never give them enough attention. So why make yourself crazy by trying?

I AM borderline! Are you happy now? It is no big secret.

Whhhat? Mina Jade is a borderline??? Shocking news for sure. Who knew? Oh yeah, we did.

Having such a disorder makes my life harder, but I still feel whole and refuse to be treated like a subhuman.

According Ms. Jade, to point out a borderline’s flaws is “subhuman”. If you haven’t noticed by now, Mina Jade has a flair for melodrama. Most borderlines’s do. When you’re as sensitive as a borderline, everything is dramatic. And if it’s not, they make it so.

They behave badly and then react with outrage when people simply point out that bad behavior. My borderline-ex use to flip out on me when I reminded her of her cheating ways, as if I was the asshole. How’s that for a kicker?

Mina Jade may have fooled herself into believing she is whole, but clearly she is not. She is a broken woman but she is too broken to realize it. She does not have full use of her faculties. Emotions have clouded her judgment.

While their behavior can certainly seem subhuman at times, in fact, they are hyper-human. They experience all the feelings we do but much more intensely. Their reactions are over-reactions.Which is why they fly off the handle when you remind them of their past misdeeds. But maybe, just maybe, people would treat them more like human beings if they were more humane to those around them. If they didn’t act like such raging assholes all the time, this blog wouldn’t even exist. Do you think this ever occurred to the likes of Mina Jade?

In the IQ department I am like anyone else (actually my IQ score is above average). I am not easy to handle, but I am capable of love like anyone else.

It’s true, borderlines usually have above average IQs. They are not mentally handicapped. They are emotionally handicapped. They are often book smart but dumb when it comes to relationships. It’s the effect you get when intense emotions override cognitive function. It’s why they cling on once they find someone who is a willing co-dependent, and then shut them out when their partner becomes too independent for their liking. To say that women like Mina Jade are not easy to handle is like saying a kick to the head is not easy to handle.

Borderlines by definition are not capable of love. At least, not in the strict sense of the word. Sure they love to cuddle, kiss in public and have someone send them flowers on Valentine’s. But, technically, they are incapable of forming attachment bonds. Especially, if that borderline was sexually-abused by someone close. What they think of love is merely the borderline emulating something they saw on “Sex and the City”. They are merely going through the motions. When I say untreated borderlines are not capable of love, that is neither “hate speech” nor my opinion. It is fact.

Really, what is your solution (Endlösung) for ones like me? Gas chambers will do nicely? And do you want to destroy abused women or borderline persons, or both?

Gas chamber seems a little excessive. It’s a bit like removing a wart with a chainsaw. How about something a little more sensible, like therapy? Or does that seem inhumane?

No, I don’t want to destroy abused/borderline women. On the contrary, I want them to build themselves up. I want them to take responsibility for their awful behavior and well-being. I want them to stop using their disorder as an excuse to act like unhinged bitches. So, while I appreciate your creative solutions, maybe what’s needed here is a little common sense- a little sanity, if you will.

I am no manipulative person. I am not patient enough to playact. However, the rest is quite true. I will fight tooth and nails if one like you try to bring me down.

You accuse me of wanting to send borderline women to the gas chamber and then you expect me to believe that you aren’t manipulative? Really? I see self-awareness is not your strong point. Tell me… all this tooth and nail fighting… where has it gotten you in life? How have your relationships been?

One of the things people should know about borderlines is that they often have this overwhelming feeling that people are out to get them. It’s part paranoia, part self-fulfilling prophecy. An untreated borderline creates hostility and then they wonder why people react with equal hostility. They are so self-centered, they can’t put themselves in other people’s shoes.

They fight tooth and nail because they’ve been abused their whole life. When a person is this traumatized, it hardly takes any effort to trigger an emotionally-violent response. They will claw your face for looking at them the wrong way.

Great thing that you recognised my disorder, although you have never seen me. Educated psychiatrists say they need to meet a patient in person and talk to her to see what is the matter with her. You certainly know better.

Gee, how did I know that Mina Jade was a raging borderline without an advanced degree in psychiatry? Lucky guess? Am I privy to some secret knowledge guarded by warrior-monks? Nope, I merely educated myself about BPD and it’s telltale signs.  I internalized this info so that I might make wiser decisions in the future.

This blog has given me exposure to borderlines of all shapes and sizes. I have something more valuable than a psychiatrist’s education- I have real life experience with borderlines. I know how they walk and talk. I know how they think. Mina Jade was not the first and she will not be the last angry borderline to knock Savory Dish.

So when I witnessed Mina Jade foaming at the mouth and spinning her head like only a borderline can, I knew she was in the active throes of BPD. Instantly. When people react violently to this blog, they are reacting violently to being confronted with the truth. Their fear of rejection is on high-alert. It’s like throwing water on a witch. Instead of owning up to the truth, they would rather lash out and try to drag you down to their level.

That is why raising awareness is so important. You can’t de-claw an untreated borderline, but you can avoid getting mixed up with one. But to avoid them, you must learn to pick up on telltale signs. You must internalize this knowledge, so that it becomes instinctual. So that just the mere presence of a borderline sets your Spidey senses off.

However, for a seasoned fellow like you, how cannot you recognise BPD girls when they are face to face with you?

Sadly, I did not learn about BPD until much later in life. Had I known what I know now,  I might have saved myself a lot of heartache. My life might have been very very different. That is to say it might have been a lot better. But I can’t change the past. I can, however, take charge of my future.

These days, I can not only recognize borderline women when they are face to face with me, I can recognize them when a buddy tells me that the girl he’s dating has some serious daddy issues and a tendency to be over-emotional.

There are warning signs in every case. Not in a female’s looks, but in her attitude. There is no such thing that “too late”. One can see within a week whether a relationship is meant to be or not. If it does not work, then you are free to leave. Nobody ever held a pistol to your head, I guess.

We are well aware of the warning signs. We don’t need your “help”. And there is such a thing as “too late” for people who have already been fucked over by a borderline. For these people, their only hope is to break the cycle. To do that, they must avoid people like you.

Borderlines don’t need to hold a pistol to your head. They have powers of persuasion like you’ve never seen. They are shape-shifters who can take on the form of your dream come true. But somewhere lurking behind that dream is a nightmare. I think I’ve covered this before, but Mina Jade seems to only hear what she wants to hear. That should not be shocking.

You knew that you were not meant for your ex, yet you stayed with her – to use her sexually (perhaps even gain money from her, if you were sly enough). You did not help her one bit when you stayed. You are like the leaders of sects who “help” female members of the sect and, in return, have sex with them or get all their money.

Believe it or not, there was a time when I thought my borderline ex was the One. Borderlines are very good at pretending to be the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life. But this is an act. This is a borderline reeling you in.

By the time you find out about their darkside, you’re already hooked, both emotionally and biochemically. Borderline relationships are like drugs. They are highly addictive. You’re also holding onto the hope that you can return to the way things were at the beginning of the relationship. But that was an illusion created by the borderline to suck you in.

In my last posting, Mina Jade compared me to Nazis and now she compares me to a cult leader who has sex with his followers. Notice how good untreated borderlines are at demonizing their critics. I was getting plenty of sex without having to involve myself with a psychotic woman, thank you very much. I was looking for something more than sex, at the time I met my borderline ex. I was looking for an adult relationship. And my ex was more than happy to play the part of the wholesome girlfriend.

It was actually my ex who pressured me to have sex with her. That is how borderlines lure men into their life. In fact, for the first month of our relationship, we couldn’t even have sex because she was diagnosed with genital warts (due to risky behavior). When I like a woman, I see no need to rush into sex.

Sex is always good when you first meet a borderline. That is part of their bait. But even that is fleeting. Borderlines have their best sex with strangers, when there is no emotional risk. But when intimacy enters the picture, things get complicated. Sex suddenly loses its appeal to the borderline. The borderline becomes uncooperative, bored and boring. This is the borderline passively sabotaging the relationship.

When the sex goes bad, it will only be a matter of time when they will look for new meat. So if I was indeed using her for sex, then I got a bad deal. No sex is worth living in emotional hell.

I also stayed because she begged me to stay, literally. I stayed because she convinced me that she would work on getting better. I stayed because I thought I loved her. After all, I was the one who encouraged her to seek therapy, because her family would not. I was the one who stayed with my ex, despite catching her cheat on me twice. So if Mina Jade thinks I wasn’t interested in helping her, well, Mina Jade can go fuck herself.

But this is not what Mina Jade wants to hear. She wants to hear that I am the anti-christ. She wants to hear that I bury borderline women in my basement. She wants to hear that I make borderline women into sex slaves. Somehow this will discredit everything I said about her. But she can demonize me all she wants, it will not change the facts about BPD and her. I invite her to show me these facts are wrong. But she can’t because there are no facts that support her case.

I’m showing Mina Jade’s comments because I want you to see how god awful these women are. They may whisper sweet nothings into your ear when they want something from you, but they will eventually turn on you. They will split you black. And when they do, this is how you can expect to be treated.

If borderline persons are predators, then you are a parasite. No matter what tricks you’ve got in making a woman feel special, I would never go anywhere near you, not if you were the only human on Earth.

She claims she would never go near me, but yet here she is for round 2. Curiouser and curiouser. Borderlines fear rejection like an animal fears fire. In the face of rejection, they will create the illusion that YOU are the one being rejected. Mina Jade talks a good talk, but she can not keep this promise of staying away from men like me. How I wish she would. But she won’t. She will continue luring men into her life, men just like me. She will bait them with her oversexed ways and then she will bite their head off for taking the bait. This is the behavior of a woman who has been traumatized by sexual abuse.

Women like Mina Jade have no reservation about using and abusing men. That is the feeling of entitlement that comes with being a sexually-abused woman. She got screwed over and therefore she feels entitled to screw someone else over.

But if she wants to go back to bad boys who use her for sex and use her as a punching bag, then who am I to stop her?

If a grown person makes the same mistakes all the time and he does not even ponder that he follows wrong patterns, then he is beyond help. You are too occupied with spreading hatred against sick people instead of recognise YOUR mistakes and bad choices.

Once again trying desperately to shift the focus of blame and shame. We’ve seen this pattern before. Misery is always someone else’s fault. Never their own. They are always the victim, never the troublemaker. But if you follow the trail of troublemaking, it always seems to lead back to them. Funny how that works.

As for my disorder, now I am all right, without any medical help. I got over it.
Could you do what I could? I do not think so. You call yourself healthy, yet you cannot even deal with the memory of a fucked-up relationship.

So how many people in the room actually believe that Mina Jade fully recovered from BPD and sexual abuse without any medical treatment? How many people think she’s just fine?  I thought my ex had the record, when she said she was healthy after 3 visits to the shrink. But Mina Jade has her beat. Everything I’ve read says it takes a borderline 7-10 years to recover. But Mina Jade did it with ZERO years of treatment. Amazing. It’s a goddamn miracle.

Clearly, Mina Jade is delusional. By trade, Mina Jade is a struggling writer of fiction. Not reality. Fiction. That is, she is very good at spinning tales. Tales of miraculous recovery. Tales of knights in shining armor turning into tormentors. Tales of her having a clean bill of health, despite a lifetime’s worth of trauma and abuse. In other words, her stories are pure fiction.

There is something ironic about a Borderline lecturing Nons on how to get over a relationship they’ve fucked up. They work so hard to trick you into their life and then they wonder why you don’t “move the fuck on”. It is easy to get over relationships, when you have no emotional investment… when you were just going through the motions. Survivors of sexual abuse are particularly adept at shutting off emotions with a flick of a switch. It is how they survived sexual abuse. It is why they are hot and heavy one minute, and then, the next minute, they want nothing to do with you.

If anybody was using someone else, it was the borderline using the Non as a means to fill their emotional void. When someone has been abused their whole life, using and abusing people is a familiar act.

I always mention my disorder to my acquaintances. All the men whom I ever dated knew about it – I did tell them on the first date. Because one cannot hide it anyway (unless, perhaps, from poor unfortunate ones like you).

Wrong. Women like my borderline ex hide it all the time. She has even admitted to hiding her illness from me. But how nice of Mina Jade to tell people how screwed up she is before she screws them up. Do we have some sort of merit badge for this?

Women like Mina Jade should save the faux disclaimer and avoid getting involved with people in the first place, until they have actually been through years and years of therapy. But she won’t avoid relationships because she is counting on the fact that they will ignore her warnings. Women like Mina Jade and my borderline ex are selfish and self-centered by nature. If you need more proof of this, read her rant again. This is how a disordered person thinks.

So if you’re on a first date with a woman and she starts talking about how she was sexually abused and she thinks she might have BPD, but she makes no mention of therapy or treatment… then do yourself a big favor and excuse yourself from the company of this woman. Tell her, politely, that you will not be able to see her anymore and encourage her to seek help. You can not help her. Nice guys don’t have to put up with emotional baggage or subject themselves to emotional abuse. Save your niceness for someone who will truly appreciate you.

For those who bear a striking resemblance to Mina Jade, if you have not had 7-10 years of treatment, you have no business getting emotionally involved with someone else. You are causing undue harm towards another human being. The fact that you have BPD makes it highly likely that you are not even aware of the harm you are causing others. This kind of emotional harm goes way beyond being “difficult to handle”.

24 Responses to “The Return of Mina Jade”

  1. I think at some point it’s much more important to recognize the signs of personality disordered women and how stay AWAY from them. My own therapist is more of a performance coach, and that’s what we’ve worked on. Yes, I know the reasons WHY I hooked up with a Borderline; now I have to learn how NOT TO DO IT AGAIN. I’ve already put my hand on a hot stove once; that’s enough. Two times, and I’m a dumb-ass.

    I now have a list of RUN AWAY characterstics in women:

    1) Porn Sex right from the start: Not a good sign. Hypersexuality and promiscuity are characteristics of Borderline women. It takes normal people TIME to get comfortable enough to have olympic-style porn sex. Porn sex right from the starting gate means a woman USES SEX to form unhealthy attachments and to self-medicate. And I don’t care what anyone says, I know I’m right.

    2) Any kind of idealization behaviors: ‘Uh, really? How can I be the greatest guy ever if we’ve only been dating two weeks?’

    3) Emotional lability: More than two recognizable and lasting emotional states in a day, and I’m GONE.

    4) Turbulent relationships: Friends, work, love . . . if I get even a HINT that a woman is relational poison, SEE YA!! (This one is hard to suss out. Borderlines are experts at making it seem like ‘everyone else’s fault.’)

    5) Poor work history.

    6) Any history of sexual abuse: I don’t care if she was gang-raped at five years old, IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM.

    7) Victim Narrative: her life is a series of never-ending tragedies, and it’s everyone else’s fault.

    8) Poor social skills.

    9) Incongruent responses to normal, everyday situations, conversations, etc: There’s NORMAL, and ABNORMAL. I don’t care what anyone says. If my gut tells me that a woman’s response to something is off the hook, IT IS. I’ve been around long enough to know the difference between normal and abnormal, and I won’t let anyone convince me otherwise.

    10) Poor health habits: self-imposed sleep deprivation, bad diet, chain-smoking, caffeine addiction . . . these are all maladpative coping mechanisms.

    That’s not my whole list, but it’s a start. And I think it applies to both waifs and aggressive Borderlines. At some point early on, Cluster B’s always show their stripes. It’s up to ME to recognize the signs and RUN AWAY. Self-knowledge only gets me so far; I have to APPLY IT. Otherwise, I’m gonna keep getting what I always got.

    I’m not gonna make myself better by making another person ‘better.’ That’s the crux of codependency. I deserve to be with someone who is ‘better’ RIGHT NOW! If I’m going to believe that I deserve to be with someone who treats me with dignity and respect, I have to go and give it a try! I’ve come to recognize the signs of emotional vampirism; now it’s up to ME.

    Emotional Vampires like Mina Jade LOVE this kind of s__t!! It’s their FOOD. They thrive on on the emotional energy created from conflict. They are like children who start a fight on a playground, then run crying to the principle when they get hit. It’s their M.O.

    • savorydish said

      Well said. And thanks for the list. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I don’t care that they were sexually-abused, but that does not mean I have to stay with someone just because they were sexually-abused. And it certainly does not mean I have to tolerate their abusive behavior.

  2. Penelope said

    Savory Dish for president 2012 !!!

  3. It’s great that SavoryDish points out the characterstics of how Borderlines use victim-blaming. As many Borderlines are untreated victims of sexual abuse, they’ll always revert to blame-shifting. Luring victims in with sex, and then blaming victims for being lured in with sex, is a CLASSIC.

    I’ve had esperience with this. When I broke up with my Borderline gf, I told her that I think she used sex to manipulate and self-medicate. She responded with, ‘Well, you didn’t seem to complain!!’

    Notice the two-part choice of words. 1) Basically, it’s MY FAULT or I’m a bad person myself for ‘enjoying it,’ hence I’m just as bad as she is, and 2) She doesn’t DENY using sex to manipulate and self-medicate. In fact, she KNOWS she does it. Her lack of denial is a clear admittance of this. Contrary to popular belief, most Borderlines know EXACTLY what they’re doing in terms of their own maladaptive behaviors. They just ‘know it’ in a broken way, because they’re emotionally disturbed. When ‘normal people’ realize they are hurting others, they attempt to stop; when untreated Borderlines know they are hurting others, they shift the blame.

    My ex dresses like a whore at her father’s golf club, then whines and complains that men don’t treat her with respect. CLASSIC baiting behavior!! If you suggest to her that maybe she should dress more appropriately for the occasion, she then accuses you of trying to ‘change’ her. PRESTO!! You are now the ‘oppressor,’ and SHE’S the poor widdle victim!! She is then is free to continue her eternal victim narrative; no one understands her, everyone is always trying to change her, why can’t people accept her for who she is, ‘I thought you cared about me,’ blah blah blah blah blah . . .

    It really is a NO WIN SITUATION. After a few of these, I bolted. Can you blame me? Who needs that s__t? I’d rather hang out with grown-ups, thanks.

  4. Penelope said

    Jon H so glad to see your recovery from a BPD in progress(i.e. your list and comments)! It may not feel that way right now but it is happening as you gather information and incorporate the almost inexplicable information of this mental illness in to your own understanding. And yes, you will be able to apply it.

    It’s interesting to read about men’s experience with BPD women because they “seem” so different from my experience with a BPD man. For instance, we did not have a sexual encounter for months. Fine with me as one, I was in no hurry after some time alone and two, I thought he was awkward and shy. Now I know it had to do with the whole can’t handle intimacy thing.

    Also, he has a decades long overaccomplished, workaholic career that frequently includes community outreach in his area of expertise. Organizations invite and even pay this person to tell them things about his research. Unfortunately I see the invites in my local news…WTF I say, yes that about sums it up, WTF.

    What I’m trying to express is I see all these comments incorporate the paradox of BPD/narcissism. There is a continuum of behaviors and levels that the afflicted person may convey. At this point I’d say my experience with BPD/NPD was pretty off the charts but obviously most are. But now I know and I can and will apply this hard won knowledge to my future!

    • Glad to see you’re coming around as well, Penelope! It’s important for NONs to share experience and information. It’s also important to integrate that experience and information into our own lives so that we can move forward in a more healthy fasion. Think of the advantages that we as NONs have in this respect; we can actually do this; untreated Cluster B’s can’t. They’ll just keep doing the same thing over and over again; we have a choice.

      Not that I care what happens to Cluster B’s. They can go f__k themselves. I know I’m getting better because I can say that. Next step is dealing with the anger. Hell, at least I KNOW I’m angry and can put a name to my emotions. That means I can do something about them!

      As far as the behaviors: over-sexed or under-sexed; waif or aggressive; over-accomplished or under-accomplished; the point is that Cluster B’s are always at the EXTREMES. And they ALWAYS exhibit psoinously anti-social behavior. Some do it sooner, some later. Regardless, it’s more important for us to see the common threads in Cluster B behavior than the differences, because the DAMAGE is always the same at the end. I’ve seen NONs get really thrown off track and hoovered back into insanity because they thought their experiences were so ‘unique.’ They’re really not, when it comes down to it. There are common threads.

      I think one of the problems that NONs have is that our culture is so afraid to label behaviors ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal.’ Whether due to political correctness, misguided therapeutic tendency, or enabling, the behavioral and moral relativism of today’s society makes it very difficult for us to translate our experience into useful knowledge. We have to fight this. We can’t let anyone con us out of our own truths. There are a lot of people out there who have a vested interested in keeping us in the dark about Cluster B disorders, and their weapons are always sharpened and ready.

      Look at it this way: WE can be the REAL REBELS in our culture. WE can stand up and call ‘BULLSHIT’ where we see it. Cluster B’s ‘act’ like rebels, but in reality, they’re PRISONERS. Enablers act like care-takers, but in reality, they’re con-artists. WE’RE the ones with the power. WE’RE the ones who run things and keep the wheels on the road when Cluster B’s create chaos and then run to their enablers.

      My first victory was when I realized I’d had ENOUGH. I called my Borderline a crazy whore and kicked her out of my house and NEVER spoke to her again. I blocked her phone numbers, I blocked her emails, I threw any mail she sent me down the sewer. It was hard, but I did it. After a while, it got easier. Eventually, she went away. That’s what parasites do; they find another host.

  5. Howie said

    Joe Hanemann,

    Great posts. You command my admiration.

    Howie

  6. I don’t blame anyone who has had a terrible experience with someone with BPD for being beyond angry. But I know it doesn’t help to turn one person into the victim and the other into the victimizer. In my experience, people who fall into relationships with BPs–and I do mean fall–and then stay after the red flags become a continuing form of abuse would be much better off to spend time and effort into looking within themselves than trying to figure out the the mental illness of their partner–and they are mentally ill and act out of mental illness, not a planned, thought out way to entrap you.

    People with BPD are IMPULSIVE and act out their emotions moment by moment to ensure their own survival. As horrible as the effect on others, their own emotional bottomless pit makes them unable to provide the empathy that would give them the insight into keeping the relationships they want to keep so desperately. As a public figure, I have seen my share of distortion campaigns, and I have found that ignoring them is the best policy, no matter what they say (and believe me, I have had it worse). To engage just puts you in the same spot.

    As hard as it is, try to think about the fact that people with BPD are pretty miserable people just trying to get by. Like a drowning person, they grab onto people like lifeboats. Were you drowning, you might do the same thing.

    REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM; BE THE CAPTAIN OF YOUR OWN LIFE.

    Randi Kreger
    Author of the Essential Family Guide to BPD and Stop Walking on Eggshells and the SWOE workbook; http://www.BPDCentral and Welcome to Oz.

    • savorydish said

      I agree with the sentiment that people should refuse to be victims. And that means fighting back with the truth. The opposite of being a victim is not ignoring distortion campaigns. Why would you allow someone to slander your good name? Why would you be ok with that? Why would you just take it? That is the very definition of being a victim.

      BPs don’t grab people like lifeboats. They grab people and then pull them down with them. They are self-destructive people who don’t think about the human casualties they leave behind. If they are not getting help, then they are choosing to sink. The point is no man or woman is a lifeboat. They are human beings that are just as capable of drowning.

      In fact, if a borderline is attracted to you, you are probably more vulnerable to drowning than the rest of the population. Borderlines look for vulnerability. They look for co-dependents. They look for enablers. They are grabbing onto you for a reason. Refuse to be a victim, by refusing to let them grab a hold of you.

    • You see, Randi, here’s the way my therapist explained it to me. It was MY choice to get into the relationship and I have no one to blame for that but myself (considering that I did see some red flags). That’s MY fault – and I own it. But there’s NO WAY I could have recognized BPD behaviors because I had no idea what they were: the mirroring, sexual manipulation, idealization, and eventual devaluation. I WAS a victim of that stuff. Some of the things that happened to me were MY fault, and some WEREN’T. I had to find out what those things were. I WAS actually in a victim-victimizer situation, but I chose to LEAVE IT. There’s a difference.

      And let’s not get into HOOVERING. I’d never experienced that onslaught before. I’ve had my fair share of breakups, and they were nothing like that. Slapping someone on the wrist and telling them ‘You should have known better than to fall for it’ is just nonsense. I don’t need to hear that crap when I’m trying to heal from the shame and embarassment of having been HOOVERED in the first place. Christ Almighty, where’s compassion for the rest of us?

      So perhaps you’re soft-shoeing it or being a bit vague here. I know for a FACT that I was victimized, and I know for a FACT that I volunteered for some of that victimization. But I won’t hold myself responsible for something I could NEVER have forseen. I’d never dealt on a personal level with a Cluster B before. I had no protection against it. So, in a sense, your description of BPD behaviors serves to push me back into the fog rather than out of it. Therefore, I will listen to them with a grain of salt.

      As far as whether or not BPD’s ‘mean’ to do the things they do: I COULD GIVE A RAT’S ASS. The results are what they are. I think you’re enabling BPD’s with that whole rap. I believe that BPD’s are far more aware of their behaviors than some proffesionals say they are.

      And you know what? Plenty of people who become involved with Borderlines DO in fact take a hard look at themselves after the fact. It’s a bit smarmy of you to assume that we wouldn’t do so if it weren’t for people like you to remind us. Maybe you’re not doing that, but still, it kind of stinks.

      Think of it this way: us NONs have to sit through the pain of growth. ALL OF IT. We have no choice. We have jobs, family, friends, responsibilities. I didn’t get a sabbatical in the nut-house when I was trying to heal. I had to suit up and show up just like all the other normal people. No time-outs for this kid.

      But you know, what doesn;t kill me makes me stronger. I have my red-flag list now, and I’m sticking with it. I’m # 1 in this game now.

  7. Another sign for me is childish or underdeveloped written communication skills. One common thing I’ve noticed about 90% of Borderlines (including my ex) is that they write like 3 year olds. No punctuation, terrible grammar and syntax . . . it’s like they slice their fingers and just bleed their emotions on the page. Nary a one of them breaks separate ideas into paragraphs or forms a linear train of thought.

    I was raised with the old-school idea that how you write is how you THINK. If someone writes like a spaz, they think like a spaz. It’s pretty simple. What’s happening on the page is what’s happening in their heads.

    One of my tests with women now is a simple email exchange. I need to see how someone communicates on a written level. I’m not looking for Jane Austen, just an indicator that a woman isn’t INSANE. If she starts sentences with a capital letter and ends them with a period, that’s a good start.

    It’s probably also a good test just to see if someone is a moron, or lazy.

    • savorydish said

      My borderline ex would not fit your model. She’s a writer. So, if anything, she’s a bit of a Grammar Nazi. It reflects her uptight and guarded persona. This is how I know someone has been abused their whole life. It was her personal life that was a mess. She had a good work ethic when it came to school and work, but not when it came to working on herself.

      • It’s the similarities that matter, not the differences.

      • savorydish said

        Agree for the most part. Wasn’t trying to dismiss your observations. There are a lot of borderlines who do fit your description. But borderlines don’t always fit a neat package. Sometimes they deviate. My borderline ex works really really hard to cover up her inner chaos. She excels at school and work to cover up the fact that she’s an emotional mess.

        My point is not every borderline is that easy to point out and those are the most dangerous ones. Because those are the ones who have had time to refine their image so they can seem respectable. Those are the ones you take home to meet your parents because you think they have their shit together, when they are actually on the verge of unraveling. Those are the ones who will stab you in the back and you won’t even see it coming.

  8. Jon H, said

    @savorydish:

    Funny how Borderlines have such similarities, and yet our experiences with them can be so different. Mine was an obvious nut-case from the get-go. I guess that’s why I didn’t last that long.

    • savorydish said

      Yeah, I’ve run into the obvious nutcases too. Those were easy for me to get over. Or, in some cases, I didn’t let it go farther than the first date.

      It’s the ones who are really good at the cover-up who screw me over. It’s the one who make me think they are in it for the long haul, that break me.

      They give me the false illusion that I’ve finally met someone who is normal. I don’t find out how screwed up they are until they run away. But now I know why they ran away- they can only keep up the act for so long.

      It’s like a magician who accidentally reveals the trap door. The borderline is so embarrassed about being revealed, the only solution is to make a quick getaway. In hindsight, I thank them for doing me a favor. But at the time, it was painful as hell. Because, by then, I had already fell for their act.

      The ones, that I fell for, worked really really hard to suck me in. But once they tasted intimacy, it freaked them out. They left me without mercy, while I was still caught up in the moment. I was left wondering, “what the hell just happened?” It is the shock of being madly in love one second and then suddenly the bottom drops out, hot water followed by icy cold water.

      You scramble to save the relationship, but it’s absolutely futile. Because it’s like trying to go back to a dream after you have been rudely woken up. This is the ultimate mind fuck. This is the ultimate abuse of trust.

  9. Howie said

    Jon H.,

    You’re absolutely right concerning the writing skills of a borderline, at least in the case of my borderline ex. She didn’t start a sentence with a capital, mispelled continusously, hit the wrong keys and never corrected, didn’t put her thoughts in paragraphs, used incorrect punctuation, run-on sentences, etc…

    Her emails to me were quite frequently incoherent and nearly impossible to comprehend. Like you say, “if someone writes like a spaz, they think like a spaz”. How true. How very true indeed.

    On a humorous note, back in December I got one of these rambling, “train of thought” emails from my borderline ex. I had to read it numerous times before I could even begin to understand what I thought she was attempting to communicate to me. She ended the email with, “WAY TOO MANY WORDS. READ BETWEEN THE LINES”. What the hell?

  10. Sinn said

    No wonder Mina had went completely off her rocker…I mean JH was amazing and RIGHT ON THE MONEY!!! Along with everyone’s input, I’ve saved this page. This is like 2 yrs of research on a single page…from both the BPDer and Non’s perspective…the patterns and warning signs from the Non’s and the right amount of accountability demanded and empathy for the ill. I think, knowing a couple of them, that they would want to see this..and if they live through all the criticism hitting them in the face at once, they will immediately seek help. I do believe that they don’t want to do the things they do, but they haven’t had to bear any consequences of it due to the smear campaigns and every instinct has told them to blacken, ignore, delete, re-idolize something or someone else immediately. Seeing this same pattern in so many cases can spark that underused portion of their emotions: conscience. They’re not stupid, and the thing they fear most is their destructive patterns being known in advance…they are better at this game than any con artist…they just don’t know why.

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