What is Mina Jade’s Story?

February 12, 2012

Another woman who bears a striking resemblance to a histrionic/borderline personality spews venom at me. This tortured soul goes by the nom de guerre of Mina Jade:

There is something very rotten about you. You are a hypocrite person, just a nice innocent fellow who wanted to help a wicked sick woman. Phew.

She is wrong. I’m not a nice innocent fellow. Not anymore. You see, when you place your love and trust with someone who later stabs you in the back, the niceness erodes. Repeated exposure to these back-stabbing monsters, will make even the nicest person angry and jaded. This is how borderlines pass on their disease.

We know your kind. How did you end up with your ex AND HOW DID YOU STAY WITH HER when you already saw that she was sick?! Every Jack finds his Jill, that is why. I would advice to everybody: beware of nice modest selfless guys who always want to *help* poor, sad, depressed persons (and whose protegées are always females, preferably nice looking, young females).

I’m sure she does know my kind very well. Borderlines are predators, they seek out people like me. Because they know guys like me will put up with their bullshit and abusive behavior. When they meet someone like me, they rush to seal the deal. But that was the old me. I know better now.

Mina Jade is attempting to suggest that I go out of my way to seek out poor defenseless women. She is trying to demonize a person who has dared to speak the truth about her kind. Where have we seen this act before?

Borderline women are anything but defenseless. Any psychologist will tell you they are the opposite of defenseless. They are hyper-vigilant, hyper-vindictive and hyper-defensive. They will claw your face off before they allow you to hurt them. Don’t fall for the helpless waif act. It’s a familiar act in the borderline’s repertoire.

I assure you, mentally unstable women are not high on my checklist. It is a ludicrous suggestion. It is a desperate attempt by a guilt-ridden borderline to misdirect the audience, a failed attempt to shift the blame and shame she feels deep inside.

The borderline women I have been involved with, did not show any obvious signs of mental illness. They actually went out of their way to put on the appearance of being “strong-willed and uncompromising (stubborn as hell and unable to cooperate)“. Most are proud to call themselves bitches. In fact, many self-proclaimed “strong women” have proudly embraced the title of “bitch”, confusing bitchiness with female empowerment. But this is a pathetic charade. They are compensating for overwhelming feelings of inferiority, fear and shame.

The most effective silent abusers are beautiful, athletic, intelligent, charming and put-together. At least, on the outside. That’s how they get away with their deception and their abuse.

The truth is I didn’t know my borderline ex was ill until it was too late. Histrionics and borderlines are always putting on an act. I only suspected it, later in the relationship, when things began to unravel. I did not see the extent of her darkside until the very end. Deception is how they reel you in. It actually took me a while to learn the necessary skills to pick these women out. These women are very very good at hiding their illness. They have perfected their illusion over a lifetime.

Nobody seeks out sick people. They don’t have to. The sick people will find them and put out the appropriate bait. They’ll make it easy for you, too easy.  Borderline women are very good at picking out enablers, picking out unsuspecting victims. They grew up with them.

They know how to seduce sensitive men, knights in shining armor. They’ve learned that these people will come running to help when they play the damsel in distress. They are very good at finding people who are too trusting, too loving. They manipulate them into thinking they need help. They feed off this attention. This is how they keep the lie going.

If you were a mentally ill person, would you tell people? Of course not. Nobody would touch you with a ten foot pole. If part of your disease was feeling lonely all the time, you’d seek out people without care and concern for other people’s well-being. You’d marry the first person you could fool into thinking that you were perfectly fine. This is the game borderlines play all the time. And then women like Mina Jade spit on your face for falling for their act, an act they have been so careful to perfect.

Why do I stay with these women? Good question. These women are very good at sinking their teeth into you. They are very good at seducing men. They are very good at creating unbreakable bonds. Every time, I tried to walk out the door, my dear borderline ex would grab my arm and tell me sob stories of being raped or sexually molested. This was her justification for her emotional outbursts and abusive ways. But Mina Jade still wants to know why I didn’t just leave.

Unfortunately, it’s not in my nature to dump someone after I find out they are deeply troubled. And that is my weakness. Borderline predators can sniff out this weakness. They will suck you in before you have a chance to realize what’s going on. Borderlines always rush into intimacy. They crave it as much as they fear it. And if you try to leave, they will turn on the waterworks from their tear ducts and pull you back in.

A shame that you do not have the characteristics and the courage to pick up healthy girls – so you need to put up with borderline affected ones!

A shame that smart little fellows like SavoryDish never ponder WHY they had chosen borderline partners SEVERAL TIMES! Are you yourself a well-balanced, confident, self-assured person? Or do you want to seem one and are the opposite on the inside? Do you want a female with a fragile mental health to control her more easily than a strong willed one?
There are HEAPS of healthy, cheerful ladies out there.If you bump into borderline affected ones all the time – then let me tell you that you have something wrong with you, too. First you should look at yourself before criticise someone else…

I won’t deny I’ve dated my fair share of messed up women, but I have dated my fair share of healthy women as well. What should be noted is that when my healthy relationships would run their course, they would always end pleasantly. No drama. No mindgames. No hostility. No backstabbing. Just two adults going their separate ways. I’ve even managed to keep in touch with one of them.

Not borderlines. These people find a way to turn even the best relationships sour. Intimacy triggers their self-destructive mode. Intimacy triggers unpleasant memories of their childhood. You can be the nicest person in the world, but that will only trigger the fear of losing you. They always find ways to make enemies out of loved ones. They will always find ways to hurt you. They will devalue you just to feel like they are on the winning end of the break up. They will demonize you, to discredit you. They discredit you because they fear the truth will leak out about them. You know too much.

This is like a regular hate speech against ill people. What are you all, f* Nazis? Who comes next? Ethnic groups? People with other kind of illnesses?

The problem is not that these people are ill. The problem is their illness causes them to abuse others, to cause mental harm and to spread their anger. Anybody who dares to point out their abusive and manipulative tendencies is a Nazi, baby-killer, rapist, stalker, etc.. These women silence critics by demonizing them. They attack and then retreat to damsel in distress mode.

The way you talk make me sick… It is very sad to think that so many innocent people get abused so horribly and filth like you are practically never harmed…

Notice the pain in her voice. She is lashing out at me but she is really lashing out at her past. The fact is people like me ARE harmed. But she could care less. She only cares about her pain, not the pain that she spreads. Mina Jade is not as innocent as she would like you to believe. She is quite clever and manipulative. Don’t take my word for it. Read up on BPD and Histrionic Personality Disorder and then take a good look at Mina Jade’s rant. Then tell me you don’t see an uncanny resemblance.

If only women like Mina Jade would avoid me. But they don’t because they need people to run to. Someone who will listen to their sob stories. Someone who will make them feel special and loved. I am a magnet for women like Mina Jade. Women like Mina Jade either look for men who will abuse her or men she can abuse. This is the story of Mina Jade. Learn it well.

35 Responses to “What is Mina Jade’s Story?”

  1. savorydish said

    When someone puts the spotlight on their abusive ways, they call it “hate speech” and they call themselves “innocent victims”. Boo hoo. Poor poor defenseless waif. Won’t somebody come to their rescue?

    This is the bullshit you can expect from someone who is in the active throes of BPD/HPD/NPD. It is the kind of mind fuck you can expect from someone who is a silent abuser aka asshole extraordinaire.

    Mina Jade reacted to this blog with rage because she sniffed the truth. Vampires can not stand their own reflection. They are compelled to smash the mirror.

    I point out this pattern of self-victimization on a regular basis, so that others may pick up on this pattern. Learning how to identify these covert assholes, allows us to avoid these people like the plague. It provides hope in breaking the cycle.

    They can call it “hate speech”. I call it preventative medicine. The fact is, just when I think I’ve run out of things to blog about, these angry borderlines always provide me with new material. Acting out is in their blood. To point that out, only makes their blood boil even more.

  2. savorydish said

    Mina Jade is yet another angry woman posing as an activist/feminist. That is how she found this blog. Women who bear a striking resemblance to histrionic borderlines always find this blog.

    The most popular word search (by far) for this blog is “slut shaming”. On average, about 100 hits a day come through that word search.

    I am pointing these things out because this fact is very relevant to the world of borderline women. Connect the dots and you will find that these are not random choices. This is the trail that many borderline women leave.

    Borderline women share very similar lifestyles. Birds of a feather, flock together. They are all wired in the same way. The forces that shaped them all are very very similar. So when I point these similarities out, you should be taking very careful notes.

  3. Rick Savage said

    this is funny.. why do borderlines always seek out forums that are actually there to support and guide non borderlines? Really, this site isnt for crazy manipulative little horrorshows like Mina.. It just demonstrates their lack of boundaries.. there are plenty of sites out there that support borderlines, but very few that assist a non borderline that has been put through the ringer and abused by one.. I wish more people contributed to your blog that had been through a relationship with a borderline and lived to tell.. Why dont you contact Tara J Palmatier and do a blog for shrink4men.com?? she would love to hear your story and i’m sure would all of her readers. Men that have been unlucky enough to let a borderline/s into their life and live to tell.

    • savorydish said

      They seek out these blogs because they seek to snuff out the truth. The fear of being revealed is too much. I’m not interested in promoting this blog at the moment, but I will think about it. Thanks.

  4. Amazing. It’s always the same thing from Borderlines – over and over and over again. Victim blaming, incoherent rambling, senseless emotional blather . . .

    You’d swear that 3 years olds write their comments. Oh wait . . . they do.

    • savorydish said

      It is always the same thing, and that is how you know someone is a hardcore borderline. The scent is unmistakable.

      • Jon H, said

        I’ve been to countless NON support sites, and I see TONS of people asking questions and trying to figure out why they got into relationships with Borderlines. There’s a ton of honest self-searching, a lot of hard truths, tough love . . . NONS might go to support sites initially to vent and whine, but 90% of the time, they STAY to learn and change their behaviors.

        . . . as opposed to Borderline sites, that are rife with incoherent nonsense, self-delusion, enabling, outright lies . . .

        I’ll answer Mina Jade’s question. let’s see if she can piece it all together in that addled brain of hers.

        Unlike SavoryDish, I was in a relationship with an OBVIOUS Borderline. No waifs in my game! My ex was clearly a wrecking ball from the get-go. Why did I get into the relationship, and why did I try and STAY in the relationship? What was my part, and what was her part?

        My Part:

        CODEPENENCY – straight up. I thought I had been rid of it. I was wrong. Four months in therapy and a lot of hard work and self-searching post-relationship solved this problem.

        Her Part:

        Sex, mirroring and idealization. That’s what drew me into the relationship and kept me in it.

        This doesn’t cover everything. It was a complex situation. But it’s a good starting point.

        Looking back on it, I wasn’t as codependent as I thought. I only lasted 10 months in the relationship until I dumped her. If I was REALLY codependent, I would have stayed in it come hell or high-water. In reality, my relationship with a Borderline was what drew out the last dregs of my codependency issues so that they could be vanquished forever. There really are no coincidences.

        A Borderline would use this information in the following way:

        – Blame ME for being codependent.
        – Blame ME for falling for the sex, mirroring and idealization.

        Classic projection and victim-blaming. That’s why I would never give a Borderline important ’emotional’ information about myself. They’ll use it as a weapon. It’s how they operate.

      • savorydish said

        Thank you for sharing your story. And you’re 100% right, it is important to have sites like this where people can share their experience. Particularly with BPD, because emotional abuse does not leave visible scars. No one can make it through the healing process alone. We are lucky that we live in an age where we can connect with others over the internet. It helps to have the support of others who know exactly what you’ve been through. Because, let’s be honest, this does sound like someone made this stuff up. But psychologist will confirm that BPD is real. Nobody knows the true borderline like those who have intimate knowledge of the person. Despite what our borderline ex’s have said about us, we are not the crazy ones. The hardest part about being a co-dependent is the fact that no one believes you. Some will go out of their way to invalidate your experience. But clearly these people are trying to cover something up.

  5. rstolk said

    Very well put savorydish! I must have married Mina Jade’s sister. How sad these people are, but they’re everywhere because Hollywood needs them to write film script. You just have to stay educated, and learn how to detect the red flags in order not to let your life be ruined. These women become professionals at their game. Sometimes you wonder if it is a sickness or just plain callousness.

    Bob

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Bob. Being callous is part of their sickness. When you are born too sensitive for this world, you learn to build a wall around yourself. It’s easy to be an asshole when you demonize people. It’s easy to shut out a loved one, when you block out all the good things they did for you. It’s easy to continue creating chaos, when you have a talent for re-writing the past.

      • rstolk said

        You’re welcome savorydish. I’ve played in the same play everyone else has on this site. Thank God for sites like this one because I was at the brink of insanity. As they say: they are “crazy makers”. My divorce is final on the 28th of this month, and I finally feel good about it. A couple of days ago my exBDP wife called me at work to tell me when it is final. I think she just wanted to evoke emotion out of me, but I just said thanks for the info; goodbye. I did feel something, but it was only for that day, then I was back to feeling good about her being gone. Before I’d go through all of the emotions everyone else on this site has gone through. I can really empathize with all of you. I wish for all of us that we may find the true happiness we all deserve. With sites like this we can all learn in order to see the red flags, and make the right choices in the future. I wish everyone on this site the best of luck and Godspeed!

      • savorydish said

        The best of luck to you as well.

  6. Downhome Girl said

    There are plenty of male versions of her too…

  7. savorydish said

    People like Mina Jade don’t think before they speak. A classic borderline trait. They react with unbridled rage. Rage, that has been suppressed over a lifetime, has to come out eventually.

    It is usually loved ones who are the recipients of this rage, because it is easier to get away with it. Rage is released behind closed doors, so no one else will know. Abuse behind closed doors is easy to deny. Emotional abuse is easier to deny than physical abuse. Silent abusers operate behind a shield of invisibility.

    Borderlines HATE this blog because it threatens to reveal that which they have worked so hard to deny. If you want to know if someone has BPD, have that person read this blog and observe his/her immediate reaction. If they react with rage or disgust, run for the hills and never look back.

    • savorydish said

      Mina Jade and Megan foolishly thought lashing out would silence their critics. But, when these women lash out, they are only providing evidence of a troubled mind.

      BPD makes smart people do dumb things. Their rage is a cover up act. They are covering up the fact that they are deathly afraid that someone they “love” will read the truth and abandon them. They must always control the conversation. Disordered people hate free speech. They would make good dictators because they are experts at silencing critics, suppressing the truth and distorting the facts.

      They hate the truth. That’s why so many of them embrace various forms of escapism. My ex became a journalist so she could re-write her past and twist the truth. But her observations defy science and logic. Her writings are full of outrage, but short on common sense.

      “Trolling for social justice” is a borderline myth. It’s codeword for harassing people until they give in to their demands. They harassed the the FBI until they redefined rape. They will harass you until you stop talking about their abusive tendencies and warped sensibilities. They will not rest until the rest of the world shares their twisted views.

  8. Penelope said

    Savorydish

    I was “attacked” by memories of my BPD relationship recently due to it being 2 years since I broke up with him on March 6, 2010. For some solace I revisited Savorydish and caught up on postings I’d missed lately.

    And no surprise, WOW, Savorydish insight and more postings right on the mark from non BPD’s.

    Savorydish you are my hero! Ever since finding your blog I have read and reread the information to keep my sanity!

    From Jon H. words so true…looking back I wasn’t so codependent as I thought.

    Jon H, hard won knowledge yes, but oh so indicative of your personal growth and your recovering love of self. This happened to me too eventually.

    From Jon H, again words so true…relationship was what drew out the last dregs of my codependency issues so that they could be vanquished forever. There really are no coincidences.

    Right on, right on, right on!

    Again. so indicative of your own personal growth, the only person you are able to change.

    And Downhome Girl…there are plenty of male versions of her and Savorydish…this is not a gender issue, it is a mental issue.

    Again, Yes, Yes, Yes!

    Being a professor is the least of my BPD’s accomplishments, oh so smart intellectually but no time for emotional knowledge, classic BPD.

    Ever heard of the classic BPD’s engage in risky behavior? I can now admit to as part of my BPD experience and personal growth that the BPD left me with the sexually transmitted disease called scabies. Luckily, it is one of the STD’s that can be eliminated.

    Shocking yes, at first. Besides getting rid of it and getting other blood tests over the recommended time periods to ensure there were no other transmitted diseases, I couldn’t let it cross my mind. It was too painful. I focused on personality disorder information and my codependent issues and role in this disaster of a relationship. But I have come to terms with this ultimate insult from someone who I thought deserved love, respect and trust.

    I found out at the end of the relationship that there was an old girlfriend back in the picture so the scabies either came from her or it could have indicated even a third party. In hindsight, I more than likely didn’t know the half of what else he had done. I just discovered and confronted two major ones that he used to push me away. Once bitten, twice shy…

    Now, I see BPD behavior everywhere, politics, Hollywood, on the news, in songs on the radio and even in my own family. I now know what I’m up against and better able to speak my truth after TOO many years in the dark. Right on!

    • savorydish said

      Thank you for the enthusiastic and genuine support, Penelope. You have many good points here, but I wanted to highlight this one:

      Being a professor is the least of my BPD’s accomplishments, oh so smart intellectually but no time for emotional knowledge, classic BPD.

      When someone is emotionally handicapped, they compensate by pursuing other interest with vigor. My ex read voraciously. But she often read stories of tragic women. She was supplementing her tragic story with other tragic stories. I had to convince her to read books about relationships and communication. Borderlines are so smart. So it is shocking that they can’t understand basic human principles.

      The ones who are able to finesse their way into respectable society (The ones who become professors, teachers and journalists)are the worst of the worst. These are the manipulative ones who not only manage to screw up their own lives, but seek to spread their twisted view of the world onto others. STDs are actually the least of society’s worries when it comes to these disordered people. These people spread hate and chaos.

      And thank you for reminding people that this is not a gender issue. Borderline women like Mina Jade and my ex will often accuse people of misogyny, in hopes of recruiting feminist proxies. They forget that borderlines only make up 2-3% of the population. Raising awareness about BPD is hardly an attack on the entire female population. Be very suspicious of anyone who tries to turn the discussion of BPD into a gender issue. Most likely they are trying to distract and confuse the audience. They are trying to demonize you in order to discredit you.

  9. Howie said

    savorydish,

    This is a great blog.

    I’ve just recently come here as a result of coming out of a relationship with a Histrionic Borderline with overtly NPD tendencies. I’ve been doing research in order to understand her. While undertaking that endeavor to understand her, I also came across information that aided me in comprehending the psyche and MO of the various disordered women I’ve been involved with in the past, including a marriage to a BPD. If I only knew then what I know now! I certainly had no idea what I was dealing with at the time (twenty years ago).

    My ex-wife was a real jerk; controlling, manipulative,demanding, deceitful, alienated me from friends, family and social acitivities. She “owned” me like an article of chattel from the day we got married. I had no say and no rights. She dictated, gaslighted, split, devalued and dumped me in a matter of three year’s time.

    Before the ink was dry on our divorce being declared final, she had already remarried.

    Asshole extrordinaire.

    While researching in order to understand her, my ex-wife, my most recent HPD/BPD/NPD ex and the rest of “them”, I’ve come to learn much more about myself and why I’ve engaged in relationships, repeatedly, with disordered women.

    Like you, I suspect I’m a magnet for disordered, abusive women, particularly BPD. I’m a “nice guy”, a “knight in shining armor”, a “professional caretaker”, a people pleaser.

    In other words, I’m a doormat and a punching bag with a high tolerance for their bullshit and abuse. I need to work on myself.

    Thanks for this blog.

    Howie

    • savorydish said

      Thank you Howie. We all need to work on ourselves, so you’re not alone. But don’t stop being a nice guy just because you’ve encountered assholes in your life. They were assholes before they met you.

      Instead work on being nice to people who can return the favor. Be a nice guy who can make better choices. You deserve better. Borderline women are only 2% of the population, which means there are a lot more better choices out there. Guys, like you and me, just have to fine tune our radar so that we attract healthy women. As you pointed out, that tuning starts with working on ourselves. Best of luck.

  10. Sinn said

    Hmmm….again it begs the question that with the myriad of enabling sites for BPD’s, why do they seem to always need to run to sites that go against the grain and try to give information/solace to non’s. BPD seems to be a VERY sensitive topic, both to men and women, even as women are the one’s most likely to be diagnosed, b/c despite all of the venom and facades they put up, they eventually seek help knowing that something just doesn’t add up with it all. I just wish my ex had that level of self-awareness, although it was keen throughout the r/s. When we were supposed to be happy, she would stay keyed into some void SHE had, and although the connection was pretty magical in my opinion, it was only so b/c I was in-tuned instinctively to her emotions/limitations/insecurities and never judgmental. Sadly, this isn’t the benefit of doubt you get from them when the world starts seeming like it coming down to them, and they let their emotions become the huge wildfire b/f you even wake up….but it’s nearly impossible to get rid of all the burns you suffer…and they’re long gone and although you tried to heal infliction they’ve suffered past and present, they just want you gone….deleted. And these are the people that are CONSTANTLY in contact with you..almost to the extent that you are an extension of their thoughts and emotions…and they get off by taking that all away. I wasn’t the spoiling type..I had some boundaries..many more b/f meeting her..but she loved to be the exception to them…with tears, guilt, promises of love eternal if I’d just let her in every part of me…to prove I’d be loyal…I gave 90 percent of it for her..and they call THAT co-dependent???

    Which comes to the very crux of my experience. Being selfless IS NOT codependent. There is no one that I depend on FOR ANYTHING. Codependents have a I HAVE TO SAVE EVERYONE mentality. When you love someone, however, you do offer to help with things w/in your power to do. No one comes into ANY relationship w/out baggage, I don’t care how hard they try to suppress it. Some are just able to throw others baggage in the trash for them, because LOVE isn’t about keeping score…you lift the car up from under them sometimes, and sometimes they wipe that ketchup stain off the side of your mouth you didn’t feel, lol. But the people that SHOULD NOT be in relationships are the ones who live the ONE UP-ONE DOWN philosophy of human interaction. People shouldn’t always be there to satisfy a void that you have. If you give things, you should have no expectation of getting something back, but if you are patient and have picked the right friends/r/s’s…those people would simply remember and give back. Again, not keeping score doesn’t denote a codependent personality. So, when we are maneuvered/manipulated in relationships with BPD’s it is because they are fundamentally selfish human beings. I loved mine, cause when you got away from the rampant, but understandable insecurities (cause even though I didn’t act on them in r/s’s, I had them at one point in my life or became my own shrink and conquered a lot of what I felt were limitations), she had a very keen mind which I felt covered a high IQ. But she was a grown child when it came to people. She trusted everyone who approached her w/in some sort of prism, and especially older women. Easily discouraged…I just wish it was something that she could eventually grow out of and realize the love that she just threw away and the friendship she made so ulterior, when it was the best connection (overall) I’d ever had.

    I would still like to refute the fact that there are many healthy women out there to date. it could be my geographic limitation (Deep South) but I haven’t met THAT many…although their similarity was that when the r/s’s ended, they were more like business transactions and slow distancing rather than wildfires and backstabs and accusations. The ex fiancee was the worst cause she treated what I was investing in building something that was going to last a lifetime, into something you could just peel off and throw away like a used band-aid, after all the time demands and tears to take away what little free time I could afford myself forging this love. And I can’t find a way to destroy it…I really don’t want anyone else but for this to get fixed…but I know once they paint you black…they are subhuman, cause time doesn’t exist in that world anymore…even as they’ve wasted your life. If she would’ve been slightly patient instead of perceiving her feelings reality or fate…that love had made me so strong and ambitious as a person at that point..even if I was kinda striving there before…but I would’ve been a completely different person than I am now.

    • Sinn said

      It’s just that, whatever these people with BPD are going through, they have to realize that their emotional irregularity, and how they act out to try to reregulate or self soothe, if it hurts their loved ones is as damaging as physical abuse. We forget emotional abuse in the eternal war of the sexes and how that it is sometimes even worse than physical. It is a huge betrayal to be led into a person, and come out far worse from the experience…when you are led to love someone to the point of wanting to marry them, and they want that, but then act as if it is suffocating when the same rules that they set for you, they feel now a hindrance when acting out from a perceived slight or fault. The open communication stops and they become different people.

      The second thing is that they must stop being ulterior. Love isn’t ulterior. You don’t fall in love to ‘be fixed”, which is why the bounce around from r/s to r/s….always allowing themselves to be used, willingly, then hating the next person for being used and becoming jaded. If they would just be like regular people and work on what leaves them vulnerable…with their talents they could be so much stronger, but they would have to be alone, and for them….that inability to have something to constantly show off kills them…makes them seem unloveable…which they should be. They aren’t ready for the world full of predators and prey and the innocents inbetween that simply want to forge a connection with someone like them.

      Third, they must stop trying to either force perfection on someone or feel the need to have everything perfect for and around them, because it can’t be. Little things happen, but turn into bigger, mountainous problems if they can’t regulate their fears and have trust that the world isn’t coming down. Obsession doesn’t equate to love, no matter how much time is spent thinking about the other person…love is being able to respect the other person and give them benefit of doubt when you’ve never doubted them before. But since their moves are always ulterior, with borderlines, you play the ONEUP/ONEDOWN playbook…and the non will always lose if they become in the UP column in the r/s..cause they are not charitable with their power, usually gained by doing something completely counter to what a r/s should be, and the non trying to fix or move past it. It’s sick that humans can do that to each other…and that’s my piece for tonight. Thank you SD, for providing this forum and outlet for the non’s (or at least the people that think they are, my “nice” guy is eroding away too, so I don’t know if they’re contagious, radioactive, or they expose you to be borderline as well..when they cut you off, and you just want it back to the way it was when beautiful).

    • savorydish said

      For me, it wasn’t about saving anyone. I’ve got enough problems without taking on other people’s problems. I was just trying to make a relationship work. No knight in shining armor fantasy, just trying to make the best of a bad situation.

      • Sinn said

        Yeah, I’m pretty sure you have the context I meant it as, but in case anyone thought his response was defensive instead of an affirmation; the fuller context is when you’ve ground through the grinder with one of these vampires and try to find clues as to why it seemed to sh-tf–ked, you’d find sites that tell you that who you are made you susceptible to ALL of the tactics that they employ. News flash: these come slowly, and in my case, after a while of the most honest person you can meet while secretive (more like childlike coverups of what she felt could be judged as/for).

        If a reflection of an honest person is you being sensitive to this b/c you’re codependent, then there’s A LOT of so-called experts that don’t know what codependence really is. I feel this is to again, shame the victim for the experience, and try to make relationships as to the kind they have as professionals: a series of transactions with little intrinsic loyalty and a +/- scale of grading the experience, instead of trying to stick together if one falls/gets down a bit, which is the kind 60 percent of us try to live through with ones we feel connected with/trust. What kind of person would you rather have “mirrored”? Again, it’s diminishing to the non’s when the BPD’s already get the attention from all the histrionics, betrayal, smear campaigns, painting black, enabling, and then coddling when they find come out and admit they’ve hurt people and want help. Their victims are left to pick up the pieces, fix reps, and simply move on as a thing built up BIG by the BPD is burnt down for minor problems at strangely timed instances where they had “won” the non, and the non was particularly vulnerable.

        Again, it’s good to have an honest place where someone actually understands the motivations, depth, and has empathy to others that have went through it instead of a pissing contest to say that their situation was the worst of all time. I was particularly vulnerable with Valentine’s, but it’s getting a lot better. Hopefully my thoughts were packaged nicer this time, lol, for the people that are OCD about minor things which are someone else’s thoughts, but I’m going to blaze into next week after another brilliant set of posts by SD per usual. Thank you.

      • savorydish said

        Thank you, Sinn. I appreciate the support.
        It’s true, partners of borderlines do not get enough credit for their empathy, patience and tolerance. It is why borderlines latch onto us. We just have to learn to put limits on this generosity. Because borderline types will take advantage of this generosity. They will interpret this generosity as a weakness and exploit it. Save your kindness for people who deserve it. Save your trust for someone who will not abuse it. Your are not less of a person for having all these great qualities. We are not defective. We just need to learn to make better choices.

      • savorydish said

        We need to break this stereotype that all Nons are looking for people to save.

        At least, in my case, that is never the case. I don’t go looking for fucked up people. When I meet a beautiful woman who is intelligent and articulate, I assume she has all her shit together. These women are very good at creating the illusion of well-being.

        In most cases I don’t realize how screwed up they are until the very end of the relationship or when they realize they can no longer keep up the act. My only mistake was assuming we could work out the kinks. I knew that I could not help my ex. I knew her problems were way beyond my control. That’s why I insisted she seek therapy.

        I stayed with her because she fooled me into thinking she was serious about changing. But this was just part of her act. I know this now. But back then, I took her at her word. I was too trusting.

      • savorydish said

        The reasons why we attract these damaged souls is not important. Undoubtedly our past has a lot to do with this. But you can’t change the past nor can you escape it. You can, however, be cognizant of the fact that you do attract this type. And then it is up to you to take great efforts to avoid this type. You are re-conditioning your brain. Getting involved with toxic people is a bad habit that must be broken.

      • savorydish said

        The old adage “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” applies here. If you have a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, then you should scrutinize the hell out of everyone who comes your way. Beware of things that come too easily. Beware of people who come on strong. You will naturally be attracted to people who offer themselves up to you. You will think this offer is too good to pass up, but that is exactly why you should be skeptical. Be cognizant of your own patterns.

  11. Jon H, said

    “Beware of things that come too easily. Beware of people who come on strong. You will naturally be attracted to people who offer themselves up to you. You will think this offer is too good to pass up, but that is exactly why you should be skeptical.”

    Excellent advice, that. There’s no such thing as a bargain.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks Jon,
      I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.

      • I’m continuing to learn more lessons from your blog, and sites like it. Thank God we have a place to go.

        I’ll repeat that it was very, very important for me to know what I was responsible for and what I wasn’t. I was responsible for ignoring huge red flags that were flapping in the wind in the beginning. I was responsible for enabling horrendous behaviors that I KNEW were unnaceptable. Guilty on all counts. But I WASN’T responsible for buying into the mirroring, idealization, sex as manipulation, etc. I was a VICTIM of that. You’d be surprised at how many so-called ‘well adjusted’ people get hooked in with these BPD weapons.

        And WEAPONS they are, my friend.

        The NEW ME does not ignore the red flags anymore. If I see even minor hints of Cluster B symptoms, I’m OUT.

        IMO, Borderlines will often show their stripes early on with CO-MORBIDITIES. Obsessive Compulsive behaviors, eating disorders, anxiety issues, behavior that seems like sex addiction (or its reverse), etc. They will often have several diagnoses, ranging from ADHD to depression, anxiety disorder, intermittent explosive disorder. A good idea is to check the medicine cabinet. If I see more than one psychotropic med, or even ONE anti-psychotic, I’m GONE.

        There are TONS of Borderlines walking around out there sporting the diagonses du jour. It’s quite common for an un-diagnosed Borderline to have a history of several different diagnoses. This is because many mental health professionals don’t want to ‘black list’ patients with a Borderline diagnosis, so they dance around the REAL problem. Either that, or Borderlines DO get properly diagnosed and are not happy with reality, so they go around hunting for a more emotionally acceptable diagnosis. I found out that this was the case with my ex – and my own therapist, who worked for two years on a Borderline ward, said that this is common.

      • savorydish said

        I’m glad this blog is helping others besides myself. I thought you made an interesting point here:

        Either that, or Borderlines DO get properly diagnosed and are not happy with reality, so they go around hunting for a more emotionally acceptable diagnosis

        I’ve seen this first hand. My ex shopped around for a therapist who had feminist values. Basically, she shopped around for a therapist who would tell her that I was the problem, not her. Not only did the therapist not pick up on her BPD, she told her she was fine. My ex therefore concluded that she would be ok with just 3 visits to a feminist therapist. Cured in 3 days!

        Coincidentally, the day she quit therapy, was the day she decided she was going to cheat on me. She had only gone to therapy for my benefit. And when she couldn’t take it anymore, she just gave up on the relationship. But rather than accept blame, she threw it on me.

        You get out of therapy what you put in it. And when you are feeding the therapist half truths and bullshit, they can not possibly give you the help you need. And if you look for a therapist who will tell you what you want to hear, then you might as well not go at all.

      • savorydish said

        What you said here is important to note:

        The NEW ME does not ignore the red flags anymore. If I see even minor hints of Cluster B symptoms, I’m OUT.

        IMO, Borderlines will often show their stripes early on with CO-MORBIDITIES. Obsessive Compulsive behaviors, eating disorders, anxiety issues, behavior that seems like sex addiction (or its reverse), etc. They will often have several diagnoses, ranging from ADHD to depression, anxiety disorder, intermittent explosive disorder. A good idea is to check the medicine cabinet. If I see more than one psychotropic med, or even ONE anti-psychotic, I’m GONE.

        It’s important to talk about Cluster B, because it is not only borderlines who are abusive. It is histrionics, narcissists, and anti-socials too. But I want to make it clear that this blog is not an indictment of disordered people. I know people who suffer from depression who aren’t assholes. I know people who are OCD and don’t abandon their loved ones. I know people who suffer from anxiety who aren’t taking out their anxiety out on their loved ones. I’ve even met borderlines here, who have turned the corner and made remarkable progress. Let’s make it clear, the people who are on trial are abusive personalities, not people who suffer from disorders.

        This is important because you’ve included some diagnoses that may or may not result in abusive behavior or chaos creation. I know you meant that abusive borderlines often have a laundry lists of disorders, which is totally correct. I just don’t want people to get the idea that having some sort of dysfunction qualifies as a red flag. I am not promoting ableism. I am promoting a respect of loved ones. That is a clear distinction that needs to be made.

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