Sady Doyle Tells The Mentally Ill What They Want To Hear

September 28, 2011

Sady Doyle had this to say about what she considers the feminist ideal:

Leslie Knope is starting to (sorry!) bore me. Too shiny & wholesome. For TV feminists, give me Britta Perry. Someone fucked up yet earnest.

So according to Sady, you have to be fucked up to be a true feminist. Can you really be called a feminist when you only support women who are emotionally damaged? Does that make her a dis-ableist? Is she really advertising that emotionally-damaged people should avoid treatment to be part of her exclusive inner circle? Is this really the image that feminists want to embrace???

When did being fucked up become a feminist ideal? Sigh. What hope is there for a woman who thinks mental illness is cool and edgy? Like a pair of well-worn Converse Chucks. The worst part is she is spreading her fucked up ideals to other fucked up people, so they can form one big fucked up army.

But this is what fucked up people do. They surround themselves with other fucked up people in hopes of feeling normal and accepted. So they can attack shiny wholesome people in large numbers. Because seeking treatment and surrounding themselves with emotionally healthy people would be too sensible.

The problem is fucked up people find wholesome people boring, because they crave the high of drama. That’s why they’re fucked up. They are addicted to their dysfunctional lifestyle. So rather than change, it is easier for them to spin that dysfunctional life into some sort of progressive/alternative choice. That, of course, is utter bullshit. But don’t tell Sady and Co. They will go apeshit on your ass. Here is Sady Doyle explaining why it’s OK to be fucked up:

Oh, and since this is turning into a discussion of bad relationships, emotional abuse, and mental illness in general, some necessary disclaimers:

1. Not all abusers are mentally ill; not all mentally ill people are abusers. Duh. Some people just do it because they’re assholes.

True, not all mentally ill people are abusive. But that depends on what your mental illness is. If your mental illness is the result of childhood abuse, then there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to have abusive tendencies. Why? Children do what their parents do. If your parents were fucked up, then (sorry) there’s a pretty good chance you are going to be fucked up. Abusive parents raise abusive children. That is behavioral science, not my opinion. But if Shady is so delusional, she feels she can out-argue science fact then who am I to stop her?

2. You don’t have to be mentally ill to get into an abusive relationship. Also duh. And, in fact, abusive relationships tend to work by eroding the victim’s self-esteem and screwing with the victim’s ability to name, define, and understand the reality of her situation, so that they can create reactions that look like the symptoms of certain mental illnesses. That said, some abusers find that their work is easier when they pick up people who already have poor self-esteem or poor boundaries. But they can create poor self-esteem and poor boundaries too.

No, you don’t have to be mentally ill to get into abusive relationship. And you don’t have to have low self-esteem or poor boundaries. But it sure helps. This is a learned pattern of behavior. People get into abusive relationships because their parents had an abusive relationship. DUHHH. Children model their behavior after their parent’s behavior. DUHHH. By the time they reach their teens, this habit of bad relationships will be hardwired into the brain. Partners of abusive personalities share the same problem.

This is a hard habit to break. I can attest to that. My Borderline Ex was not my first troubled romance. But I am determined to make it my last. Easier said than done. It is both a physiological and psychological addiction. I am addicted to awful women.

Breaking that habit will require years of re-conditioning. I get that. I am committed to that. I have chosen to stay out of relationships until I can break that cycle of dependency. That is a commitment to my own well-being. I doubt Sady and my Ex have that same commitment.

3. Pathologizing every person who’s abused in her relationship is equivalent to blaming the victim; defining every abuser as mentally ill is stereotyping and demonizing people with mental illnesses. Some illnesses, like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, do get talked about a lot in connection to abusive relationships, because abusing one’s partner is often a symptom of those illnesses. They’re notable for the way they affect people’s ability to empathize with or relate to other people. BPD gets talked about a lot in relationship to suicide too, because self-harm and suicide attempts are on the list of diagnostic criteria. But there are some people who basically blame all abuse on BPD, and others who basically blame all abuse on NPD, and in both cases, they’re oversimplifying how abuse actually works. We should try not to do the same here.

Either you’re fucked up or you’re not. The line is not as fuzzy as Shady Doyle would like you to believe. And if it is fuzzy, then (guess what?) it’s probably because you’re too fucked up in the head to see straight. I have been gaslighted myself, so I know what it feels like when someone makes you believe that you are the crazy one. But no amount of gaslighting would make me cut my wrists, shout “rape” after drunken sex or suddenly treat a loved one like my worst enemy. These are signs that you are fucked up for real real. Not for play play. Get it straight, Shady. Or get out of the business of telling fucked up people that they’re just fine.

Let’s get this straight, mental illness is inherited and made worse by childhood trauma. You would have had to experienced some serious trauma for you to develop mental illness in your adulthood. No amount of gaslighting can replicate being sexually molested when you were 3. So this theory that certain women are being gaslighted into thinking they are crazy is a cover-up for the fact that they actually are crazy.

True, abusive behavior is not necessarily a sign of BPD. Like Sady says, some people are just abusive assholes. That much I agree with. But people with BPD, NPD and HPD are high on the list of people who are likely to have abusive tendencies because many were raised by abusive assholes. BPD itself is a product of trauma. And sometimes it is a product of people being traumatized by abuse. They didn’t just wake up one day and decide they were going to be abusive assholes. They were conditioned by a lifetime of abuse and witnessing such abuse.

There are other qualities that make the mentally ill more abusive than the rest of the population. If you’re BiPolar or have BPD, you are much more sensitive than the average joe. That means you will be more sensitive to what you perceive to be attacks. People with these disorders are easily upset and frazzled.

And when they get upset, they tend to take it really hard. They tend to react in ways that are shockingly violent. Emotionally violent as well as physically violent. That violence might be directed at themselves, but that does not make it any less alarming.

Despite what Sady Doyle says, people who were abused are conditioned to be abusive. It may not always be overt abuse, but the silent abuse is just as damaging. Silent abusers employ passive-aggressive tactics so you may not immediately recognize it as abuse. This is a sophisticated abuser who has learned how to inflict emotional harm. Harm that does not leave scars, bruises or any other physical evidence. Therefore it is easier to deny. Denial by a silent abuser is abuse on top of abuse. It is kicking a person while they are reeling in pain.

Take a good look at how Shady Doyle is able to explain how the mentally ill are not abusive. This is exactly how fucked up people get away with murder. This is how they are able to move from one victim to another without detection. A person who is this fucked up may not even realize they are being abusive until you point it out. And if they are really fucked up, they will deny it. That is how they go to sleep at night.

Notice how I back up all my opinions with facts. Notice how I provide links so that you can read the evidence yourself and make your own informed opinion. I doubt Shady Doyle will provide the same service. But yet her black sheep follow her with blind allegiance. Why? Because she tells them what they want to hear- “You’re OK and I’m OK. The rest of the world is fucked up. Not us.”

2 Responses to “Sady Doyle Tells The Mentally Ill What They Want To Hear”

  1. savorydish said

    When a woman works this hard to say she is not abusive, you should be very suspicious. That stank is bullshit aka denial.

    My borderline ex had all sorts of excuses for her abusive behavior: “I was drunk” “I’m fucked up” “my parents abused me” etc etc. None of these are legit reasons for abusive behavior. The fact they think it is tells you that you are dealing with a silent abuser.

    An abuser who justifies their abuse is one who is not likely to change. It’s time to cut your losses and run. Never let this person back in your life, until they have had extensive treatment.

  2. savorydish said

    A woman who is abusive demonizes herself. To suggest that a person who points out her abusive behavior is a demon is further proof of this abusive behavior. The stigma is reinforced every time an abusive woman abuses another person and tries to cover it up. Playing the victim is a passive-aggressive form of abuse.

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