Eva Longoria Says Divorce “Agrees” with Her

September 21, 2011

Longoria had this to say about marriage:

“Being a woman, I realized you cannot identify yourself through a man, or through a marriage,” Longoria said. “[Women are] socially constructed that way, to just be inferior or subservient, and you don’t have to be.”

Equating marriage with being subservient to a man? It’s no wonder why her marriage failed. But why did she get married in the first place?

I posted this because it touches upon a topic that is very familiar to those afflicted with BPD. That topic is engulfment:

Engulfment is an unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on a spouse, partner or family member, which comes from imagining or believing that one exists only within the context of that relationship.

Engulfment is a distortion of reality in the mind of an individual who suffers from a personality disorder, in which the status of a relationship takes an inappropriate level of priority over their other, everyday, physical and emotional needs and the needs of the person they are focusing on. A level of crisis is inferred on the status of the relationship and a “fix-it-at-all-costs” strategy is deployed to deal with any weaknesses in the relationship – real or imagined.

People who practice engulfment sometimes put immense pressure on family, friends and partners to behave in a way that puts them at the center of their world. They may demand time, resources, commitment and devotion from a family member or partner beyond what is healthy. Relationships with outsiders, family and friends may be seen as threats and be frowned upon, resulting in Alienation. Certain lifestyle habits or routines, such as work, hobbies, interests which take a Non-PD’s attention and energy away from the PD-sufferer may appear threatening to them. Acts of independence by that person may be met with begging, argument, threats, even acts of retribution and violence.

Ironically, when a person deploys an engulfment approach to managing a relationship they are more likely to become less attractive to the other person and drive them further away emotionally as they speak, act and make decisions in ways that are increasingly dysfunctional. As a result, engulfment is often visible in an cyclical or intermittent basis rather than on a continuous basis as the emotional temperature of the relationship ebbs and flows. It is sometimes the case that a person with a personality disorder will follow a cyclical pattern between engulfment and rejection known as Push-Pull.

Borderlines often rush into marriage because they fear being alone. But after the excitement of the honeymoon period fades, reality sets in. This is a person who has had identity problems since birth. They get married thinking it will give them an identity.

They get married thinking it will make them feel like a whole person. They think it will magically solve all their issues and relieve them of insecurity. But it does the exact opposite. It makes them feel more insecure. They become reliant on the co-dependent partner for validation. And they resent the partner if that partner doesn’t fulfill their impossible needs.

Unless these issues are dealt with, the marriage is doomed. Don’t let the act fool you. Divorce doesn’t agree with anyone, especially those dealing with borderline, histrionic and narcissistic issues.

9 Responses to “Eva Longoria Says Divorce “Agrees” with Her”

  1. savorydish said

    Another word for “engulfment” is smothering. A borderline smothers you with what they think is love but is actually neediness.

    They are not in love with you, they are in love with the idea of you- the idea of a soulmate. A borderline dreams their whole life of finding a soulmate. Like Jerry McGuire they are looking for someone who completes them.

    But that is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with pebbles.

  2. savorydish said

    A borderline sucks you in only to spit you out. Like a shark who chomps into a person thinking it is lunch, but then realizes the taste does not agree with her.

    So in one sense, maybe divorce does “agree” with these people. Because the taste of intimacy does not.

    A borderline woman rushes into marriage thinking it’s what she wants. But when reality sets in, she realizes how scary it can be to depend on someone for emotional validation, to need someone that badly.

    Sometimes it ends in divorce. Sometimes it ends with the borderline abusing their partner until they run away. And if they don’t run away, then they run away.

  3. savorydish said

    Often borderlines make bullshit excuses for why their relationships fail. They make absurd accusations. For instance, accusing society of making them feel subservient.

    There is a pretty good chance this person felt inferior long before she got married. Marriage only highlighted insecurities that were already there.

    A borderline woman blames everyone except herself. They can’t see that there is something fundamentally wrong with their personality. They can’t see that THEY are the reason why their relationships always fail.

    In reality, it is not a gender issue. It goes much deep than that. But they are not willing to look deep inside.

  4. savorydish said

    When someone says that divorce agrees with them, that sounds a lot like denial. It sounds like something someone would say when they want to cover up pain. People who have a habit of putting on a smile for the cameras, often suppress and compartmentalize their pain.

    Psychologist teach us that suppressed emotions come back up with a vengeance. Usually it expresses itself as disproportionate and inappropriately-timed rage. These women are cool as a cucumber for the public, but behind the scenes they are an emotional mess.

  5. savorydish said

    Often people who fail will look for famous people who share the same pain of failure, like Sady Doyle comparing herself to Jackie O.

    Instead of attending to their wounded heart, they seek to glorify their pain. They are looking for company in high places, as if to say “well, if Eva Longoria’s marriage failed, then I don’t feel like such a failure.”

    The problem with this kind of thinking is it does not begin to address the issues that caused the marriage to fail in the first place.

    • savorydish said

      So how do you make a marriage work with a woman who believes that marriage is a shackle and that men are out to enslave women. You don’t. Beliefs like these are ingrained by a lifetime’s worth of conditioning aka abusive environment. Life in the Longoria househould was probably not that cheery. If the parent’s marriage was rocky, the child is doomed to repeat their parent’s mistakes. It will take a miracle or years and years of treatment to re-program this person.

  6. savorydish said

    BPD specialistd call the push-pull phenomena the engulfment swing. A borderline engulfs you and then pushes you away when they fear being engulfed.

    They swing from one extreme to another. A borderline will smother you for months. They will email and call you incessantly.
    One day they are madly in love with you. Within months, you are a leper to them. One minute, they can’t get enough of you…then they can’t stand you. They wonder why you don’t move the fuck on.

    These are the games that drive a partner of a borderline crazy.

  7. savorydish said

    People who are bad at intimacy flock together. People who are bad at intimacy write about other people who are bad at intimacy. Misery loves company. Unfortunately, keeping this kind of company only reinforces the belief systems that made you bad at intimacy in the first place.

    • savorydish said

      When someone has a deep seated fear of intimacy, all other issues become moot. This fact alone makes intimacy impossible. Without intimacy, a relationship is basically a sham- two people fooling themselves into believing it will work itself out. Only when the damaged person addresses their psychological issues will the relationship have a chance.

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