Sady Doyle had this to say about what she considers the feminist ideal:

Leslie Knope is starting to (sorry!) bore me. Too shiny & wholesome. For TV feminists, give me Britta Perry. Someone fucked up yet earnest.

So according to Sady, you have to be fucked up to be a true feminist. Can you really be called a feminist when you only support women who are emotionally damaged? Does that make her a dis-ableist? Is she really advertising that emotionally-damaged people should avoid treatment to be part of her exclusive inner circle? Is this really the image that feminists want to embrace???

When did being fucked up become a feminist ideal? Sigh. What hope is there for a woman who thinks mental illness is cool and edgy? Like a pair of well-worn Converse Chucks. The worst part is she is spreading her fucked up ideals to other fucked up people, so they can form one big fucked up army.

But this is what fucked up people do. They surround themselves with other fucked up people in hopes of feeling normal and accepted. So they can attack shiny wholesome people in large numbers. Because seeking treatment and surrounding themselves with emotionally healthy people would be too sensible.

The problem is fucked up people find wholesome people boring, because they crave the high of drama. That’s why they’re fucked up. They are addicted to their dysfunctional lifestyle. So rather than change, it is easier for them to spin that dysfunctional life into some sort of progressive/alternative choice. That, of course, is utter bullshit. But don’t tell Sady and Co. They will go apeshit on your ass. Here is Sady Doyle explaining why it’s OK to be fucked up:

Oh, and since this is turning into a discussion of bad relationships, emotional abuse, and mental illness in general, some necessary disclaimers:

1. Not all abusers are mentally ill; not all mentally ill people are abusers. Duh. Some people just do it because they’re assholes.

True, not all mentally ill people are abusive. But that depends on what your mental illness is. If your mental illness is the result of childhood abuse, then there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to have abusive tendencies. Why? Children do what their parents do. If your parents were fucked up, then (sorry) there’s a pretty good chance you are going to be fucked up. Abusive parents raise abusive children. That is behavioral science, not my opinion. But if Shady is so delusional, she feels she can out-argue science fact then who am I to stop her?

2. You don’t have to be mentally ill to get into an abusive relationship. Also duh. And, in fact, abusive relationships tend to work by eroding the victim’s self-esteem and screwing with the victim’s ability to name, define, and understand the reality of her situation, so that they can create reactions that look like the symptoms of certain mental illnesses. That said, some abusers find that their work is easier when they pick up people who already have poor self-esteem or poor boundaries. But they can create poor self-esteem and poor boundaries too.

No, you don’t have to be mentally ill to get into abusive relationship. And you don’t have to have low self-esteem or poor boundaries. But it sure helps. This is a learned pattern of behavior. People get into abusive relationships because their parents had an abusive relationship. DUHHH. Children model their behavior after their parent’s behavior. DUHHH. By the time they reach their teens, this habit of bad relationships will be hardwired into the brain. Partners of abusive personalities share the same problem.

This is a hard habit to break. I can attest to that. My Borderline Ex was not my first troubled romance. But I am determined to make it my last. Easier said than done. It is both a physiological and psychological addiction. I am addicted to awful women.

Breaking that habit will require years of re-conditioning. I get that. I am committed to that. I have chosen to stay out of relationships until I can break that cycle of dependency. That is a commitment to my own well-being. I doubt Sady and my Ex have that same commitment.

3. Pathologizing every person who’s abused in her relationship is equivalent to blaming the victim; defining every abuser as mentally ill is stereotyping and demonizing people with mental illnesses. Some illnesses, like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, do get talked about a lot in connection to abusive relationships, because abusing one’s partner is often a symptom of those illnesses. They’re notable for the way they affect people’s ability to empathize with or relate to other people. BPD gets talked about a lot in relationship to suicide too, because self-harm and suicide attempts are on the list of diagnostic criteria. But there are some people who basically blame all abuse on BPD, and others who basically blame all abuse on NPD, and in both cases, they’re oversimplifying how abuse actually works. We should try not to do the same here.

Either you’re fucked up or you’re not. The line is not as fuzzy as Shady Doyle would like you to believe. And if it is fuzzy, then (guess what?) it’s probably because you’re too fucked up in the head to see straight. I have been gaslighted myself, so I know what it feels like when someone makes you believe that you are the crazy one. But no amount of gaslighting would make me cut my wrists, shout “rape” after drunken sex or suddenly treat a loved one like my worst enemy. These are signs that you are fucked up for real real. Not for play play. Get it straight, Shady. Or get out of the business of telling fucked up people that they’re just fine.

Let’s get this straight, mental illness is inherited and made worse by childhood trauma. You would have had to experienced some serious trauma for you to develop mental illness in your adulthood. No amount of gaslighting can replicate being sexually molested when you were 3. So this theory that certain women are being gaslighted into thinking they are crazy is a cover-up for the fact that they actually are crazy.

True, abusive behavior is not necessarily a sign of BPD. Like Sady says, some people are just abusive assholes. That much I agree with. But people with BPD, NPD and HPD are high on the list of people who are likely to have abusive tendencies because many were raised by abusive assholes. BPD itself is a product of trauma. And sometimes it is a product of people being traumatized by abuse. They didn’t just wake up one day and decide they were going to be abusive assholes. They were conditioned by a lifetime of abuse and witnessing such abuse.

There are other qualities that make the mentally ill more abusive than the rest of the population. If you’re BiPolar or have BPD, you are much more sensitive than the average joe. That means you will be more sensitive to what you perceive to be attacks. People with these disorders are easily upset and frazzled.

And when they get upset, they tend to take it really hard. They tend to react in ways that are shockingly violent. Emotionally violent as well as physically violent. That violence might be directed at themselves, but that does not make it any less alarming.

Despite what Sady Doyle says, people who were abused are conditioned to be abusive. It may not always be overt abuse, but the silent abuse is just as damaging. Silent abusers employ passive-aggressive tactics so you may not immediately recognize it as abuse. This is a sophisticated abuser who has learned how to inflict emotional harm. Harm that does not leave scars, bruises or any other physical evidence. Therefore it is easier to deny. Denial by a silent abuser is abuse on top of abuse. It is kicking a person while they are reeling in pain.

Take a good look at how Shady Doyle is able to explain how the mentally ill are not abusive. This is exactly how fucked up people get away with murder. This is how they are able to move from one victim to another without detection. A person who is this fucked up may not even realize they are being abusive until you point it out. And if they are really fucked up, they will deny it. That is how they go to sleep at night.

Notice how I back up all my opinions with facts. Notice how I provide links so that you can read the evidence yourself and make your own informed opinion. I doubt Shady Doyle will provide the same service. But yet her black sheep follow her with blind allegiance. Why? Because she tells them what they want to hear- “You’re OK and I’m OK. The rest of the world is fucked up. Not us.”

Longoria had this to say about marriage:

“Being a woman, I realized you cannot identify yourself through a man, or through a marriage,” Longoria said. “[Women are] socially constructed that way, to just be inferior or subservient, and you don’t have to be.”

Equating marriage with being subservient to a man? It’s no wonder why her marriage failed. But why did she get married in the first place?

I posted this because it touches upon a topic that is very familiar to those afflicted with BPD. That topic is engulfment:

Engulfment is an unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on a spouse, partner or family member, which comes from imagining or believing that one exists only within the context of that relationship.

Engulfment is a distortion of reality in the mind of an individual who suffers from a personality disorder, in which the status of a relationship takes an inappropriate level of priority over their other, everyday, physical and emotional needs and the needs of the person they are focusing on. A level of crisis is inferred on the status of the relationship and a “fix-it-at-all-costs” strategy is deployed to deal with any weaknesses in the relationship – real or imagined.

People who practice engulfment sometimes put immense pressure on family, friends and partners to behave in a way that puts them at the center of their world. They may demand time, resources, commitment and devotion from a family member or partner beyond what is healthy. Relationships with outsiders, family and friends may be seen as threats and be frowned upon, resulting in Alienation. Certain lifestyle habits or routines, such as work, hobbies, interests which take a Non-PD’s attention and energy away from the PD-sufferer may appear threatening to them. Acts of independence by that person may be met with begging, argument, threats, even acts of retribution and violence.

Ironically, when a person deploys an engulfment approach to managing a relationship they are more likely to become less attractive to the other person and drive them further away emotionally as they speak, act and make decisions in ways that are increasingly dysfunctional. As a result, engulfment is often visible in an cyclical or intermittent basis rather than on a continuous basis as the emotional temperature of the relationship ebbs and flows. It is sometimes the case that a person with a personality disorder will follow a cyclical pattern between engulfment and rejection known as Push-Pull.

Borderlines often rush into marriage because they fear being alone. But after the excitement of the honeymoon period fades, reality sets in. This is a person who has had identity problems since birth. They get married thinking it will give them an identity.

They get married thinking it will make them feel like a whole person. They think it will magically solve all their issues and relieve them of insecurity. But it does the exact opposite. It makes them feel more insecure. They become reliant on the co-dependent partner for validation. And they resent the partner if that partner doesn’t fulfill their impossible needs.

Unless these issues are dealt with, the marriage is doomed. Don’t let the act fool you. Divorce doesn’t agree with anyone, especially those dealing with borderline, histrionic and narcissistic issues.

The Female Narcissist

September 20, 2011

Emotional Vampires

September 20, 2011

Manipulative People

September 20, 2011

Research has found that the effects of child abuse/neglect are permanent:

researchers also review evidence that suggests this early damage to the developing brain may subsequently cause disorders like anxiety and depression in adulthood.

The science shows that childhood maltreatment may produce changes in both brain function and structure,” says Martin Teicher, MD, PhD, director of the Developmental Biopsychiatry Research Program at McLean, and author of the paper. Although a baby is born with almost all the brain cells (neurons) he will ever have, the brain continues to develop actively throughout childhood and adolescence. “A child’s interactions with the outside environment causes connections to form between brain cells,” Teicher explains. “Then these connections are pruned during puberty and adulthood. So whatever a child experiences, for good or bad, helps determine how his brain is wired.

I post this only to stress the seriousness of child abuse in all it’s forms (emotional, physical, sexual). Many people who were abused as a child don’t even realize it. They just remember being “disciplined” with a belt or remember a tough parent being hard on them. Or they think that parental fighting or drinking has no effect on them. This reflects the general ignorance people have about child abuse.

A child only has to be hit once or witness someone being hit to cause this permanent damage. Emotional abuse is less obvious but just as traumatic. One traumatic event will forever alter the child’s biochemistry. Hostility and defensiveness will become second-nature to this child. And they will carry these traits well into adulthood.

This is not to discourage people from seeking help. The damage is permanent, but there is still hope. The damaged person can learn new coping skills. Just as an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, an abused child will always carry the weight of being an abused child. But they can learn to cope day by day.

Child’s Play

September 16, 2011

Recently, Sady Doyle got upset because I called her a little girl. But there is no better way to describe someone who demonstrates childish behavior. Some have hypothesized that those with HPD/BPD are actually people who were so traumatized at a young age that their emotional development was arrested (frozen in time).

Once again, take a stroll through Tumblrdom. Notice all the grown women fawning over teen hunks. Grown women getting giddy over the latest Harry Potter movie and the latest GIF they harvested off the internet. Grown women who obsess over kitty cats and gush over their “boyfrayns”. They may sound like they are 12yr old teeny boppers but these are women in their 20s.

If Tumblr is not for you, take stroll through the psych forums. One man describes his BPD ex:

One of the things that I noticed about my BPD ex straight away was her incredible ‘child-like’ personality…at times. Usually when she wanted something from me and often when she is sad, displaying empathy for others, feeling needy and generally feeling sorry for herself. I know that BPD arrests development to the age of a 3 year old and of course the flipside to this sweetness has been her child-like tantums. It always seemed like she had two personalities: The ‘child-like’ one and the ‘normal, regular’ one, where sarcasm and impatience seem to be the order of the day.. This is a woman of considerable intellectual prowess, highly opinionated, well educated and righteous and rigid when necessary. Whether this ‘child-like’ personality was to attract/manipulate me or not I cant say. But her voice would completely change into a ‘cutesy’ child-like one, high pitched and with an innocent, childish quality.

This man is describing my borderline ex to a T. As Sady was quick to note, borderlines can be very educated, very smart. BPD does not retard intellectual development. In fact, because of their emotional handicaps, they are likely to excel in academics and their professional life. It is their personal life (their emotional life) where they fall down. Women like Sady, are little girls in the bodies of adult women. The description above goes on:

She also displays incredible child-like wonder about the world around her, which was incredibly attractive to me. When we spent time together, even just walking around was always thrilling and interesting. I must say, I can often have childlike wonder and curiosity about the world around me so maybe this was partly projected. I rarely saw her behave this way with friends of hers, unless it was in a needy, ‘everything is wrong’ kind of way, and even then, only to her closest friend (a male, whom she once confided to me that she had wanted to have a relationship with, and they once had sex together…)

She has a 6 year old son and once told me that she had decided to have a baby to replace the childhood she never really had, like a return to innocence and a ‘safe’ life partner. She LOVES kids movies and cartoons and childish, naive music and art, bright ‘happy’ colors and has said before that one of the validations of music/art is that ‘a child should be able to this’. One of the most fascinating things to me and one of the most unique points about her is this ability to ‘morph’ into a child…

…it was definitely something that kept me ‘hooked’ to her, although admittedly, I found it rather strange to begin with.

The childish quality is disarming and charming at times. Especially, when they are trying to manipulate someone. But what the guy above may or may not know is part of this attraction is based on co-dependency. He is looking for someone to take care of.

The problem is an adult who needs to be taken care of is a person who can not act like a responsible adult. Ultimately, these relationships fail because a relationship requires the maturity to handle the ups and downs. If one person is throwing tantrums and acting impulsively (ie. having sex with male friends), that relationship is doomed.

A child who behaves badly doesn’t know why the adult is upset with them. And if they get caught, they are likely to make up a fantastical lie or deny they did it. An adult has to explain to the child what they did wrong. The child needs boundaries. Children must be shown there are consequences to their actions or they will think that they can behave any way they want. A person who suffers from arrested emotional development behaves like a child.

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Wow, Anderson Cooper has been kind of bitchy lately. But I gotta say, he knows how to make a point. Kate plus Eight is yet another example of an out of control histrionic. Good on Ashley the babysitter for saying NO to drama. This is how you handle a histrionic.