Sady Doyle had this to say about what she considers the feminist ideal:

Leslie Knope is starting to (sorry!) bore me. Too shiny & wholesome. For TV feminists, give me Britta Perry. Someone fucked up yet earnest.

So according to Sady, you have to be fucked up to be a true feminist. Can you really be called a feminist when you only support women who are emotionally damaged? Does that make her a dis-ableist? Is she really advertising that emotionally-damaged people should avoid treatment to be part of her exclusive inner circle? Is this really the image that feminists want to embrace???

When did being fucked up become a feminist ideal? Sigh. What hope is there for a woman who thinks mental illness is cool and edgy? Like a pair of well-worn Converse Chucks. The worst part is she is spreading her fucked up ideals to other fucked up people, so they can form one big fucked up army.

But this is what fucked up people do. They surround themselves with other fucked up people in hopes of feeling normal and accepted. So they can attack shiny wholesome people in large numbers. Because seeking treatment and surrounding themselves with emotionally healthy people would be too sensible.

The problem is fucked up people find wholesome people boring, because they crave the high of drama. That’s why they’re fucked up. They are addicted to their dysfunctional lifestyle. So rather than change, it is easier for them to spin that dysfunctional life into some sort of progressive/alternative choice. That, of course, is utter bullshit. But don’t tell Sady and Co. They will go apeshit on your ass. Here is Sady Doyle explaining why it’s OK to be fucked up:

Oh, and since this is turning into a discussion of bad relationships, emotional abuse, and mental illness in general, some necessary disclaimers:

1. Not all abusers are mentally ill; not all mentally ill people are abusers. Duh. Some people just do it because they’re assholes.

True, not all mentally ill people are abusive. But that depends on what your mental illness is. If your mental illness is the result of childhood abuse, then there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to have abusive tendencies. Why? Children do what their parents do. If your parents were fucked up, then (sorry) there’s a pretty good chance you are going to be fucked up. Abusive parents raise abusive children. That is behavioral science, not my opinion. But if Shady is so delusional, she feels she can out-argue science fact then who am I to stop her?

2. You don’t have to be mentally ill to get into an abusive relationship. Also duh. And, in fact, abusive relationships tend to work by eroding the victim’s self-esteem and screwing with the victim’s ability to name, define, and understand the reality of her situation, so that they can create reactions that look like the symptoms of certain mental illnesses. That said, some abusers find that their work is easier when they pick up people who already have poor self-esteem or poor boundaries. But they can create poor self-esteem and poor boundaries too.

No, you don’t have to be mentally ill to get into abusive relationship. And you don’t have to have low self-esteem or poor boundaries. But it sure helps. This is a learned pattern of behavior. People get into abusive relationships because their parents had an abusive relationship. DUHHH. Children model their behavior after their parent’s behavior. DUHHH. By the time they reach their teens, this habit of bad relationships will be hardwired into the brain. Partners of abusive personalities share the same problem.

This is a hard habit to break. I can attest to that. My Borderline Ex was not my first troubled romance. But I am determined to make it my last. Easier said than done. It is both a physiological and psychological addiction. I am addicted to awful women.

Breaking that habit will require years of re-conditioning. I get that. I am committed to that. I have chosen to stay out of relationships until I can break that cycle of dependency. That is a commitment to my own well-being. I doubt Sady and my Ex have that same commitment.

3. Pathologizing every person who’s abused in her relationship is equivalent to blaming the victim; defining every abuser as mentally ill is stereotyping and demonizing people with mental illnesses. Some illnesses, like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, do get talked about a lot in connection to abusive relationships, because abusing one’s partner is often a symptom of those illnesses. They’re notable for the way they affect people’s ability to empathize with or relate to other people. BPD gets talked about a lot in relationship to suicide too, because self-harm and suicide attempts are on the list of diagnostic criteria. But there are some people who basically blame all abuse on BPD, and others who basically blame all abuse on NPD, and in both cases, they’re oversimplifying how abuse actually works. We should try not to do the same here.

Either you’re fucked up or you’re not. The line is not as fuzzy as Shady Doyle would like you to believe. And if it is fuzzy, then (guess what?) it’s probably because you’re too fucked up in the head to see straight. I have been gaslighted myself, so I know what it feels like when someone makes you believe that you are the crazy one. But no amount of gaslighting would make me cut my wrists, shout “rape” after drunken sex or suddenly treat a loved one like my worst enemy. These are signs that you are fucked up for real real. Not for play play. Get it straight, Shady. Or get out of the business of telling fucked up people that they’re just fine.

Let’s get this straight, mental illness is inherited and made worse by childhood trauma. You would have had to experienced some serious trauma for you to develop mental illness in your adulthood. No amount of gaslighting can replicate being sexually molested when you were 3. So this theory that certain women are being gaslighted into thinking they are crazy is a cover-up for the fact that they actually are crazy.

True, abusive behavior is not necessarily a sign of BPD. Like Sady says, some people are just abusive assholes. That much I agree with. But people with BPD, NPD and HPD are high on the list of people who are likely to have abusive tendencies because many were raised by abusive assholes. BPD itself is a product of trauma. And sometimes it is a product of people being traumatized by abuse. They didn’t just wake up one day and decide they were going to be abusive assholes. They were conditioned by a lifetime of abuse and witnessing such abuse.

There are other qualities that make the mentally ill more abusive than the rest of the population. If you’re BiPolar or have BPD, you are much more sensitive than the average joe. That means you will be more sensitive to what you perceive to be attacks. People with these disorders are easily upset and frazzled.

And when they get upset, they tend to take it really hard. They tend to react in ways that are shockingly violent. Emotionally violent as well as physically violent. That violence might be directed at themselves, but that does not make it any less alarming.

Despite what Sady Doyle says, people who were abused are conditioned to be abusive. It may not always be overt abuse, but the silent abuse is just as damaging. Silent abusers employ passive-aggressive tactics so you may not immediately recognize it as abuse. This is a sophisticated abuser who has learned how to inflict emotional harm. Harm that does not leave scars, bruises or any other physical evidence. Therefore it is easier to deny. Denial by a silent abuser is abuse on top of abuse. It is kicking a person while they are reeling in pain.

Take a good look at how Shady Doyle is able to explain how the mentally ill are not abusive. This is exactly how fucked up people get away with murder. This is how they are able to move from one victim to another without detection. A person who is this fucked up may not even realize they are being abusive until you point it out. And if they are really fucked up, they will deny it. That is how they go to sleep at night.

Notice how I back up all my opinions with facts. Notice how I provide links so that you can read the evidence yourself and make your own informed opinion. I doubt Shady Doyle will provide the same service. But yet her black sheep follow her with blind allegiance. Why? Because she tells them what they want to hear- “You’re OK and I’m OK. The rest of the world is fucked up. Not us.”

Long story short- Policeman restrains unruly protester and accidentally touches her lady parts. Hundreds and hundreds of Tumblrites go apeshit. No seriously, these people are livid:

ladyatheist:

fuck the system, wall street

lovexzoeie:

Did he really fondle her breast? Please tell me he did NOT fondle her breast! WHAT THE HOLY FUCK????

Garland Grey:

How insulated must a person feel from the consequences of their actions if they are willing to sexually assault a person surrounded by, like, a million cameras?

tw: sexual assault, police brutality

Trigger warning: sexual assault and police brutality

africabumbada:

Fuck those fucking pigs fool real talk

queennubian:

This seriously makes my skin crawl and makes want to throw up! My blood boils looking at this photo! Fuck those who have power and use their dick to get away with shit!

language-arts:

The real reason why their is no media coverage of this, is because if there was the nation would riot. People would come out of their comfort zone and demand to know why the hell this behavior is being tolerated.

muthafuk:

Y’all leaving the picture in full view and then putting a TW after someone would have already seen it and possibly been triggered by it, is basically asshole-ish.

People should be angry over the widespread “in your face” corruption that is happening on Wall Street. But these kinds of protests always seem to attract the mentally unstable and that doesn’t help ANY cause.

Histrionic troublemakers are just attention-whores dressed up as concerned citizens and that distracts people from the real message that needs to be communicated. Instead of taking this important issue seriously, reasonable people just shake their heads. They ignore the message because the messengers are acting like rabid animals.

Blowing things out of proportion is what histrionics do best. Histrionics who have been sexually-assaulted are particularly explosive when it comes to the slightest hint of impropriety. I am not so naive as to believe police don’t engage in this type of behavior. But let’s get real.

This rally happened on the most famous street in America. Thousands of people were gathered and watching. Cameras were everywhere. Does anybody in their right mind actually believe this cop took time out of his crowd control duties to cop a feel? (no pun intended) Really? Let’s take a deep breath and think about this for a second.

Histrionics are easily swept up by irrational fears that people are out to do them harm or take advantage of them. Such is a person’s state of mind when they have a history of being abused. These are not so much activists as they are survivors of childhood abuse. They aren’t protesting so much as they are acting out. Children raised in chaotic environments will become addicted to chaos. They will replay the drama of their past over and over again.

These people were conditioned their whole life to be troublemakers. And when they find the trouble they were screaming for, they turn around to play victim. Spend some time observing histrionics and you will see this pattern over and over again. You can even point this out to said troublemakers and they will still continue making trouble and playing the victim. They will continue antagonizing the world, and then have the audacity to act like they are damsels in distress.

At one time, these people WERE victimized. But now they are just playing the role. There are lots of emotional rewards for playing and staying the victim. Attention and sympathy are highly valued amongst these people. They are crying wolf, but the wolves are in their minds and in their past.

Putting an End to Slut Shaming

September 25, 2011

There was a time when feminists fought for suffrage and equality. Those days are long gone. These days, the feminist hot topic is slut-shaming. It seems feminists believe that sluts are not getting the respect they deserve. Feminist would have society raise them on a pedestal and throw flowers at their feet. To this small group of dedicated activists, sluts are to be celebrated with pride parades that take up whole cities. They are to be worshiped as martyr-saints. Forget those starving children in Africa, sluts know the true meaning of suffering.

So in an effort to put an end to this dreaded label, I have decided to offer a few suggestions:

  1. Raise awareness about alcoholism. You don’t have to be an addiction specialist to figure out that drinking and casual sex go hand in hand. Women who are labeled sluts usually have a psychological and physiological addiction to both alcohol and sex. But the amount of alcohol consumed is not as important as the effect that alcohol has on you. Most people can handle their alcohol. Some people can not. It does not matter if you consider yourself a casual drinker. If you react badly to alcohol (that is- alcohol makes you do things you later regret), you must stop drinking immediately. If you drink so much you can’t remember if you gave consent for sex, that is a serious serious problem. But hey, if you can live with drinking up a storm and having copious amounts of sex, then more power to you. Have at it. Just make sure the boys are wearing condoms. If this behavior is leaving you with crippling lifelong shame then you need to sign up for AA.
  2. Address personal issues. Alcoholism is just the tip of the iceberg. Alcoholism is just a symptom of a much deeper problem. Alcoholism does run in the family but it is also a sign that the person in question is dealing with some serious emotional issues. Issues like depression and low self-esteem lead to indiscriminate drinking and sex. Women who can’t control their alcohol or sexual impulses are women who are trying to cover up emotional scars. (Yes, this applies to men as well.) Address these personal issues and the slut shaming will magically disappear. Cleaning up your life starts with addressing your past.
  3. Acknowledge personality disorders. If someone has been labeled a slut, I guarantee you there is a history of questionable behavior (sex being just one of them). And this almost always points to the presence of PDs. If there is one topic that makes feminists and advocates squirm, it’s personality disorders. If you post a comment at Ms. magazine regarding such a topic, it will be deleted or remain un-posted. Personality disorders are real. Congress has already declared May to be BPD Awareness Month. Everyone from mental health professionals to lawmakers have addressed this issue. Why do feminists shy away? Why do they cry “victim blaming” when someone suggests these issues must be resolved?
  4. Acknowledge childhood abuse. Where there is alcoholism and PDs there is usually a history of childhood abuse. If you are talking about uncontrollable sexual impulses, you are looking at the very real possibility of childhood sexual abuse. BPD is usually triggered by a traumatic event that happened at the age of 3. At this age, it is likely the person was too young to remember or process the event. It is also very likely that they have suppressed the memories because they were too troubling. The first thing addiction specialists look for when treating an alcoholic/sexaholic is a history of childhood abuse.
  5. Acknowledge the Shame. Feminists would have these women believe that these feelings of shame originate from other women or society at large. Not so. People who are obsessed with shame have lived with it their whole life (childhood sexual abuse). That shame causes the person to act in ways that creates more shame. People who live with shame have low self-esteem and weak boundaries. They sleep with other girl’s boyfriends. They cheat on their own boyfriends. This kind of behavior elicits a negative response from all parties involved. Shame being one of the responses.
  6. Treatment. No amount of awareness or acknowledgment will help if you don’t seek treatment. You don’t have to live with shame. But if you won’t acknowledge the bigger issues and you won’t seek treatment, then you are condemning yourself to live with shame for the rest of your life. It doesn’t matter how many petitions you sign or how many Slut Walks you attend, you can not dictate what other people say about you. You can not control their thoughts or their actions. You can only control yours. Stop trying to change others. The change starts with you.

Sex is not the problem. Even copious amounts of sex is not the problem. Sex is good. And healthy women and men should be able to engage in it without emotional repercussions. Women should be able to wear short shorts, tube tops and mini skirts without having to feel shame or without having other women whisper about them behind their backs. But this is not the problem.

The problems arise when people can not control their impulses. When their impulses destroy relationships and erodes trust then it becomes a problem. And it is then, we must get to the root of the problem. Slut-shaming is not a problem. Sexual addiction is a problem. When you can’t stop, that’s a problem. Slut-shaming is a fantastical construct of a mind unwilling to address deeper personal issues. It is a conspiracy theory at best.

Obsessing about slut-shaming is a form of narcissism and paranoia, because it assumes that people have nothing better to do than to make your life miserable. It is an attempt to blame others for YOUR problems. It is a form of arrogance, because it assumes that the whole world needs to change to meet your impossible emotional needs.

The simpler solution would be for you to take personal responsibility for your own issues. If this smells like common sense, it’s because it is. If you are fighting the urge to shout “victim blaming” then you need to consider another addiction- the addiction to victimhood.

Narcissists will do anything for attention. That much should be obvious. But I don’t hate narcissists for being showy. I hate narcissists for being absurd.

Case in point, this young lady struts up on stage with a dress that is squeezing her breasts front and center and then she acts indignant when Conan steals a glance. She practically shoved her breasts in Conan’s face and then she tells him to focus.

Oh but he was focused. And right where she wanted him to look. Angry feminists will protest, saying that a woman has a right to dress like a slut without suffering from a man’s gaze.

We’ve seen this kind of baiting before. Narcissists do it. Histrionics do it. Borderlines do it. It’s about getting attention, but it’s also about spreading the shame.

Women who need this much attention are hiding a shame that has been with them since their earliest years. They are crying out for attention, but then they punish attention-givers when they get the attention they’ve been screaming for. The ole bait and switch.

There is a sadistic quality to narcissists that should not go unnoticed. The video above is all fun and games, because the cameras were on. Conan was able to play it off with good humor. But had this happened backstage, we might have read about about allegations of sexual harassment in the gossip blogs.

Troubled women play this game all the time. Especially if they are the kind that hate their fathers. Women who hate their fathers seek to punish all men for their father’s crimes. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


Longoria had this to say about marriage:

“Being a woman, I realized you cannot identify yourself through a man, or through a marriage,” Longoria said. “[Women are] socially constructed that way, to just be inferior or subservient, and you don’t have to be.”

Equating marriage with being subservient to a man? It’s no wonder why her marriage failed. But why did she get married in the first place?

I posted this because it touches upon a topic that is very familiar to those afflicted with BPD. That topic is engulfment:

Engulfment is an unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on a spouse, partner or family member, which comes from imagining or believing that one exists only within the context of that relationship.

Engulfment is a distortion of reality in the mind of an individual who suffers from a personality disorder, in which the status of a relationship takes an inappropriate level of priority over their other, everyday, physical and emotional needs and the needs of the person they are focusing on. A level of crisis is inferred on the status of the relationship and a “fix-it-at-all-costs” strategy is deployed to deal with any weaknesses in the relationship – real or imagined.

People who practice engulfment sometimes put immense pressure on family, friends and partners to behave in a way that puts them at the center of their world. They may demand time, resources, commitment and devotion from a family member or partner beyond what is healthy. Relationships with outsiders, family and friends may be seen as threats and be frowned upon, resulting in Alienation. Certain lifestyle habits or routines, such as work, hobbies, interests which take a Non-PD’s attention and energy away from the PD-sufferer may appear threatening to them. Acts of independence by that person may be met with begging, argument, threats, even acts of retribution and violence.

Ironically, when a person deploys an engulfment approach to managing a relationship they are more likely to become less attractive to the other person and drive them further away emotionally as they speak, act and make decisions in ways that are increasingly dysfunctional. As a result, engulfment is often visible in an cyclical or intermittent basis rather than on a continuous basis as the emotional temperature of the relationship ebbs and flows. It is sometimes the case that a person with a personality disorder will follow a cyclical pattern between engulfment and rejection known as Push-Pull.

Borderlines often rush into marriage because they fear being alone. But after the excitement of the honeymoon period fades, reality sets in. This is a person who has had identity problems since birth. They get married thinking it will give them an identity.

They get married thinking it will make them feel like a whole person. They think it will magically solve all their issues and relieve them of insecurity. But it does the exact opposite. It makes them feel more insecure. They become reliant on the co-dependent partner for validation. And they resent the partner if that partner doesn’t fulfill their impossible needs.

Unless these issues are dealt with, the marriage is doomed. Don’t let the act fool you. Divorce doesn’t agree with anyone, especially those dealing with borderline, histrionic and narcissistic issues.

The Female Narcissist

September 20, 2011

Emotional Vampires

September 20, 2011

Manipulative People

September 20, 2011