Revenge of the Angry Rape Survivor

June 18, 2011

It’s not hard to find angry rape survivors on Tumblr. One of these angry rape survivors posted this story:

pull-up-the-people:

handgrenade2:

withouthopewelive:

kajal:

dingoatemybabycrazy:

hxcfairy:

alcoholicgifts | tinyfloralninja:

Trigger Warning for talk of Rape.
Damn, girl. Also “In a bid to save her dignity”? Really? How about “In a completely badass move, she avoided being raped by some bastard by chopping his goddamn head off”?

That’s some straight up “I wish a motherfucker would” shit right there.

Stories like this should be publicized. They should be spread around as much as possible so rapists or potential rapists, if they cannot be taught to hold a modicum of common decency or empathy for other human beings, will be deterred by fear. So they know, before they rape someone, that this person is not a weak, worthless piece of meat that they can use, so they know that so many women are sick of going to authorities that so often don’t do anything, of covering up what happened to them out of shame, of people telling them that for whatever reason, this attack was their own fault, of living in fear of people who think that it’s ok to rape. Rapists should know about this story, the story of the woman in Bangladesh who cut off the penis of a man who tried to rape her, and the story of a woman in Spain who killed her daughter’s rapist by lighting him on fire—after he came back to his hometown after spending nine years in jail and taunted her in public about raping her thirteen-year-old daughter. Before a rapist forces himself (although not all are men) on someone, he should remember that this person might be the woman in Lucknow or Bangladesh, or have a mother like the woman in Spain. They should be afraid of us, not us of them.

That lady is a badass.

I applaud this ladyRapist need to face the consequences of their decisions and actions of violating others; even if the consequences are this extreme.

Holy fuck, that is badass. Oh my fuck. I’m verklempt…

And here are a few of the reactions:

handgrenade2

withouthopewelive

kajal

dingoatemybabycrazy

hxcfairy

alcoholicgifts

tinyfloralninja

Trigger Warning for talk of Rape.

Damn, girl. Also “In a bid to save her dignity”? Really? How about “In a completely badass move, she avoided being raped by some bastard by chopping his goddamn head off”?

That’s some straight up “I wish a motherfucker would” shit right there.

Stories like this should be publicized. They should be spread around as much as possible so rapists or potential rapists, if they cannot be taught to hold a modicum of common decency or empathy for other human beings, will be deterred by fear. So they know, before they rape someone, that this person is not a weak, worthless piece of meat that they can use, so they know that so many women are sick of going to authorities that so often don’t do anything, of covering up what happened to them out of shame, of people telling them that for whatever reason, this attack was their own fault, of living in fear of people who think that it’s ok to rape.

Rapists should know about this story, the story of the woman in Bangladesh who cut off the penis of a man who tried to rape her, and the story of a woman in Spain who killed her daughter’s rapist by lighting him on fire—after he came back to his hometown after spending nine years in jail and taunted her in public about raping her thirteen-year-old daughter. Before a rapist forces himself (although not all are men) on someone, he should remember that this person might be the woman in Lucknow or Bangladesh, or have a mother like the woman in Spain. They should be afraid of us, not us of them.

That lady is a badass.

I applaud this lady
Rapist need to face the consequences of their decisions and actions of violating others; even if the consequences are this extreme.

Holy fuck, that is badass. Oh my fuck. I’m verklempt…

In the heart of many angry rape survivors is a revenge fantasy just like this one.  A normal healthy individual would have reacted with shock and horror to both the attempted rape and the beheading. The reaction above (the murderous glee) is the reaction of an untreated rape survivor gone wild. It is also the type of reaction associated with borderline personalities. The two combined stirs up an extraordinary amount of rage. Rape is a horrible crime, but murder is not the solution.

Yes, you could say this is just the ignorance of youth. But BPD usually hits its peak around this age. One could also say this is just harmless fantasy role-playing. But they fail to see the implications of such fantasies. When an emotionally damaged/unstable person entertains such fantasies over and over again, they are mentally rehearsing these violent scenarios in their head. Remember Lorena Bobbit? Think about how many times she fantasized about cutting off her husband’s penis. This goes beyond harmless misandry. This is more than just an internet joke. This is emotional trauma showing us its true colors.

When a woman has been sexually assaulted by a man, it creates an uncontrollable rage. Rage that can turn violent. Rage that can be misdirected. This rage can be turned upon anyone who triggers past memories. When you are this damaged, even intimacy can trigger rage.

I was not surprised to learn that Casey Anthony might have experienced incest. This is a woman who is so damaged, she believes her own lies. What kind of monster would murder her own child? A monster preyed upon by another monster.

This is a cycle. One damaged person damaging another person. Until it finally ends in unspeakable tragedy. These are patterns that repeat itself over and over again. But for some reason, we as a society turn a blind eye to it. These topics are unpleasant for sure, but one can argue that the climactic results of ignoring such patterns are even more unpleasant. The trick is to catch the disease before it festers. Before it is spread from one person to another.

The shootings in Arizona should be a reminder of what can happen when we ignore the signs of trauma. These damaged souls may seem fine in public. They may seem shy, quiet, and harmless. They bottle up their pain. They suppress their anger and sadness. But what kind of rage are they entertaining when no one is looking? Just read the quotes above to answer that.

The natural reaction is to ostracize these people. To ignore them, because they frighten us. But this is the worst thing society can do. Because a problem, that is ignored, grows until it comes to its shocking conclusion.

These people need help. If you know someone like this, it is your obligation to make sure they get that help. They will not seek it out on their own, because denial is how they have coped with the pain of trauma. Sticking our head in the sand is not the solution. It is part of the problem.

57 Responses to “Revenge of the Angry Rape Survivor”

  1. savorydish said

    The vast majority of survivors are not violent. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of emotionally harming others. Most are more likely to harm themselves. Either way, it indicates a problem that should not be ignored.

  2. savorydish said

    Rape is one damaged soul damaging another. If you think this is where the cycle stops, you are failing to see the pattern repeat itself. It’s a cycle of violence.

  3. savorydish said

    For the record, I am not suggesting that every rape survivor is capable of lopping off your head. What I am suggesting is that rape (even date rape) is a violent event that causes serious emotional damage. This is not something you can shake off or just tough it out. There is no question that a rapist is mentally disturbed. The question is how much damage has been passed onto their victim.

  4. savorydish said

    In their revenge fantasies, they are exacting revenge on the person who assaulted them. But in reality, they are more likely to punish someone who doesn’t deserve to be punished. A person who just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

    Survivors are usually too fearful to confront the person who assaulted them. My own borderline ex refuses to even press charges.

    So instead they look for an alternate dump-site. An untreated survivor typically looks for a non-threatening person to become the surrogate for their attacker. Whether they are conscious of it or not, they are exacting revenge upon their loved ones because they can. It’s convenient and safe. They know this chosen one will never harm them, so there are no consequences for their abusive behavior.

    Though they may never chop someone’s head off. They are very likely to “bite someone’s head off”. They are very likely to emotionally torture someone with the push and pull of intimacy. They will put that person through the wringer without thought or concern. They will dump a person who they know is emotionally attached to them, just to feel like they are in control. Rape has re-programmed these survivors for destruction.

    This is how emotional pain is passed on from one victim to another. Like a person who is bitten by a vampire, the untreated survivor goes onto to bite as many people as she can. She has a hunger for blood that can not be satiated.

  5. savorydish said

    The misguided survivor believes fear is the key to empowerment. Have you ever wondered why traumatized borderline’s go through a goth phase? This is a damaged person attempting to scare off people. But all they do is create isolation for themselves. Loneliness and low self-esteem are what made them attractive to predators in the first place. This is why these survivors are often re-victimized.

  6. savorydish said

    The shame (self-blame) that comes from rape is profound. It has its own effects on a woman:
    * lack of motivation to seek care
    * lack of empathy
    * cutting themselves off from other people
    * anger
    * aggression
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effects_and_aftermath_of_rape

    Notice the similarities to BPD.

    • savorydish said

      Partners who are emotionally abused and betrayed by rape survivors will bear the same effects. The survivor has transferred their pain onto a loved one.

      • savorydish said

        The effects listed above increase exponentially each time a survivor is re-victimized. Each broken relationship forces them to suppress more emotions, to dive deeper into denial. They are packing the keg with more explosive emotions.

        The longer the effects of trauma are left untreated, the more likely it is the survivor will cause emotional harm to others. Emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. The only difference is you can’t see the damage.

        Like rape, psychological abuse creates rage in its victims.
        Inexplicable rage is how you know you’ve been abused. Untreated rape survivors subject their loved ones to the equivalent of psychological rape. This is how the cycle of abuse is perpetuated.

  7. savorydish said

    Don’t expect an abusive survivor to acknowledge the pain they have caused others. In their twisted mind they are always the victim, never the abuser. If you wanna know why this is, let me remind you the effects of rape:
    * lack of motivation to seek care
    * lack of empathy
    * cutting themselves off from other people
    * anger
    * aggression

    A survivor is too emotionally raw to be able to handle the pain that comes with acknowledgment. It’s easier for them to runaway. To act like nothing happened. Survivors who abuse loved ones are very good at playing dumb.

    • savorydish said

      An untreated survivor belongs in therapy, not in a relationship.

      A person with a broken leg, can’t run. A person who is emotionally damaged can’t love. Faking it does not make it. Playing house will not bring you happiness.

      Being in a relationship is a serious responsibility. You are responsible for the well-being of two people. If you are not responsible enough to seek treatment, then you are not responsible enough to be in a relationship.

      Harming others will only bring you more shame.

  8. savorydish said

    Partners of survivors beware!!!

    Unresolved rage is not something to sweep under the carpet. It can cause all sorts of havoc. Not only for the survivor, but anyone who is drawn into the tornado. An untreated survivor thrives on chaos.

    Disproportionate and misplaced anger is a product of unresolved rage. Since intimacy is a trigger, a survivor is more likely to lash out against a loved one than a total stranger. They are more likely to mistrust an intimate partner than someone they just met at the bar.

    You will be the target of all sorts of mind games. An untreated survivor is not in control of their behavior. Their traumatic memories are in the driver’s seat.

    When a relationship with a survivor goes sour (and it usually does) you will be a target for all kinds of abusive behavior. False accusations is the survivor’s most potent weapon. They will even accuse you of things THEY are doing to you (projection is how survivors deal with shame). They will accuse you of lying to them, manipulating them, controlling them, abusing them, stalking them, harassing them, etc. Some might even accuse you of rape.

    This is a survivor playing the victim. It becomes their identity. An untrearted survivor abuses their victim card every chance they get. Once a victim always a victim. A rape survivor becomes obsessed with victimhood. Some literally think about it every day. There is a lot of emotional rewards and free passes that come with victimhood. An untreated survivor is addicted to these rewards.

    Be especially careful if your partner demonstrates attention-seeking behavior, abusive behavior, manipulative behavior, and emotional instability. Listen to the trash talk. If they trash their family members, their friends and their exes. It will only be a matter of time, when you are next.

  9. savorydish said

    Abusive personalities have their own language. If anything like this comes out of your partner’s mouth, proceed with caution:

    “Damn, girl. Also “In a bid to save her dignity”? Really? How about “In a completely badass move, she avoided being raped by some bastard by chopping his goddamn head off?”

    Being “badass” is code for being abusive and violent. People who associate power with being abusive will show signs of a “badass” attitude. They fantasize about being a BAMF. They join clubs like “TigerBeatdown”.

    There is nothing badass about this. It’s actually a sad attempt by a damaged person to compensate for a serious inferiority complex. A pathetic attempt to seem tougher than they really are. It is a frightened child keeping people at a distance.

    This is a person who most likely has a long history of abusing loved ones. Good luck convincing this person to get help. In their minds, “badass motherfuckers” don’t seek treatment. This person is a sinking ship. Jump off immediately.

    • savorydish said

      Reading the quote above, you can almost imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with a rape survivor. Sure there are good moments. But they are fleeting at best.

      There is always an under-current of unresolved hostility that doesn’t fully manifest itself until the end of the relationship. There comes a point when an untreated survivor can no longer keep up the act. When that breaking point happens, you will finally see the full extent of their rage.

      Do yourself a favor and get out before she reaches that point.

  10. savorydish said

    Not all survivors are abusive and hostile. I recently dated a survivor who confessed her history (of rape and abusive relationships) after the second date. That was her way of breaking it off before it got serious ie. scaring me off.

    She was actually a very sweet girl, but I knew something was up. She was holding back her emotions. Whether it was intentional or not, she did me a favor by cutting it short. I just hope she doesn’t go back to abusive relationships. I hope she is seeking help.

    Not all survivors will be this kind and selfless, it behooves you to know the signs of someone who is emotionally damaged.

    • savorydish said

      This is actually why many survivors end up in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. On some level, they are looking for someone who gets them. But unfortunately for them, that means someone who is abusive. This is their default mode. Occasionally, they will meet a nice person. Someone who is nurturing and understanding. But they will find a way to sabotage this relationship and run back to the abuser. An untreated survivor is either the abuser or the abused. This is all they know.

  11. savorydish said

    Survivors may fantasize about chopping off body parts. But in the real world, their abuses are much more subtle. Some would say passive-aggressive.

    The ultimate expression of this passive-aggressive hostility is shutting out a loved one or splitting black- characterizing a loved one as the bad guy. In this case the survivor has taken on borderline pathology.

    BPD typically is formed around 3 years of age. Rape usually occurs much later. But the effects can be identical.
    http://heartsinthefire.com/id77.html

    • savorydish said

      This similarity between BPD and rape trauma is not a coincidence. I have seen a lot of survivors deny that there’s anything wrong with them. Whether you have BPD or not is moot. The point is you have been traumatized. The pathology that follows is the result of trauma not BPD. The difference is the age at which each occurs. You may or may not have BPD. But if you have been raped, then you will show the effects of trauma. And some of these effects will bear a striking resemblance to being a borderline. In some cases, it will be identical. (cutting, fear of abandonment, etc.)

  12. savorydish said

    Understand that BPD is not a disease in the traditional sense. It doesn’t actually make you crazy. BPD is merely a label that identifies a set of behaviors brought about by traumatization. It is the mind reacting to trauma. This deserves its own post, but I thought it need to be cleared up.

    • savorydish said

      A lot of rape advocates will deny the link between rape and abusive behavior. They will accuse you of “victim blaming” as if victims of rape are above reproach. They are not. Being raped does not give you permission to treat people badly. It should be noted that most of these accusations and denials are coming from untreated trauma survivors:

      http://kiriamaya.tumblr.com/post/1321430008/sady-doyle-points-out-something-important

      • savorydish said

        The aggression and anger that comes with rape trauma is understandable, but it often translates to abusive behavior.
        Part of the problem is that untreated survivors do not see their behavior as being abusive. In their mind, it is all justifiable. They always have a reason to be hostile.

        Rape advocates should be advocating treatment. But that is the problem with untreated survivors acting as their own advocates.

  13. savorydish said

    Manipulating and betraying a love one is a common way survivors abuse their partners. Not only will survivors deny abusing you, they will “project” their guilt onto you. They will accuse you of the very crimes they have committed.

    “common in deep trauma, individuals will be unable to access truthful memories, intentions and experiences, even about their own nature, wherein projection is just one tool ”

    http://heartsinthefire.com/id78.html

  14. savorydish said

    Survivors are very good at compartmentalizing their shame, sadness and anger to function on a daily basis. But emotions can only be suppressed and put away for so long. Eventually emotions burst at the seam. And that’s when you have meltdowns.

    But compartmentalization also prevents them from acknowledging the pain they have caused others. It allows abusive survivors to hit and run. This is how survivors can do things that may conflict with their own value system.

  15. savorydish said

    A lot of abusive behaviors can be linked back to primitive defense-mechanisms. We all have them. But most adults learn better ways of coping with stress. For people who have survived trauma, it becomes a challenge. Their tendency is to over-react to real or perceived threats. Such over-reactions are often very destructive.

    http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/15-common-defense-mechanisms/3/

    http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders21.html

  16. savorydish said

    These untreated survivors might seem fine in public, but they are emotionally volatile. Here are a couple quotes found on Tumblr to give you an idea of their mental condition:

    “I was just kidding” IS NOT A PROPER APOLOGY WHEN YOU RUN AT A COMPLETE STRANGER AND TRY TO LIFT HER OFF THE GROUND.
    What the fuck.
    My hands are still shaking.
    Assholes like you are the reason I grip my keys like a weapon when I walk home.

    Today A Man Touched Me On The Subway And So I Hit Him

    http://barbarawr.tumblr.com/

  17. savorydish said

    “Sometimes I think the feelings are more intense now than they were at first. I was on the trolley and two guys came and sat down across from me. They looked like the two that raped me. I could almost feel like I was being grabbed again. I just have to keep thinking intellectually that it isn’t going to happen. I know intellectually it won’t, but my gut reaction is so intense…I feel people are following me. I still look at every car that goes by even though I know the guys are locked up. Sometimes it gets so intense…it seems worse than it ever was.”

    -Rape Survivor; age 21
    Three months following the rape
    http://www.nwarapecrisis.com/rts.html

  18. savorydish said

    The worst thing you can do is tell an untreated survivor that they are just fine.
    They’re not. Telling them so is not going to help them recover. It just keeps them in denial. Which means you are prolonging the pain you see above. You might make them feel better for a moment, and then they’ll be back where they started. You are officially an enabler.

    Being compassionate does not mean feeding the illusion. Being compassionate means encouraging these people to get help. That is the only way they will get better. Stop trying to change the topic or blow sunshine up their asses. They need treatment. Not unicorns and rainbows.

  19. savorydish said

    As you can see an untreated survivor can be triggered by someone touching them or saying something that doesn’t agree with them.

    To survivors: Life does not come with trigger alerts. Don’t expect people to tippy-toe around you.

    Pretending nothing is wrong does not prevent triggers. If you are not in control of your emotions, you are going to destroy everything you love. You will continue to antagonize the people who mean the most to you. Chances are you’ve already done that.

    Hiding on Tumblr and surrounding yourself with other damaged souls is not the solution either. You’re just feeding each others delusions of well-being. Living in fear is not a solution.

  20. savorydish said

    I wish I could say I have a fond view of survivors. I don’t. Unfortunately, I’ve had too many angry ones betray me and stab me in the back. Why I end up in relationships with damaged souls is a topic for another post, but it has left me with a sour disposition. A rage of my own.

    I treated each one with respect, kindness and compassion and they treated me with angry outbursts and irrational accusations. The nicer you are, the worst they will treat you. In their twisted mind, they are entitled and justified to act this way. This is what you can expect if you get involved with an angry rape survivor.

    If they won’t seek treatment, you can’t help them. You will only open yourself to all kinds of abuses. It doesn’t matter if they were raped or suffer from BPD, neither is an excuse to act like an asshole.

    DO NOT TOLERATE OR REWARD ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR FROM ANYONE, INCLUDING SOMEONE WHO WAS RAPED.

    These angry people are toxic. They will drain you and leave you lying in a ditch. They will pass their anger onto you. And then they will move on to the next victim.

    It turns out the world does not have much compassion for people abused by rape survivors.

  21. savorydish said

    If you absolutely hate this blog, blame all the irresponsible survivors who abused my trust and my good nature. Blame the advocates who refuse to hold their own accountable. What goes around comes around.

  22. savorydish said

    Angry Survivors are predators. They look for people they can control and manipulate. They will tell you what to wear, how to behave.They will test you and push you to see how far they can bend you without breaking.

    You will tolerate this behavior because you are suppose to make allowances for rape survivors. And if you don’t play along like a good little submissive, they will eject you from their life. Tossed out with the trash. They will accuse you of all sorts of things. But the bottom line is you didn’t play their game.

    They once lost control of their power. Control becomes an obsession. For them, love is a power struggle. They will knock you down if you try to be their equal. They will try to emasculate you, belittle you and demonize you until you have as little self-esteem as they do.

  23. savorydish said

    It’s amazing how many advocates/survivors want to raise awareness about rape, but then try to shut down this blog. Always the victim, never the abuser. Advocates only want to tell half the story.

  24. savorydish said

    I use to be a nice guy. I use to have compassion/empathy for survivors. I wouldn’t have gotten involved with so many if I didn’t. Believe it or not, I can relate to being abused by loved ones. But after a while it hardens you. It makes you hate those who you once loved.

    How do you feel anything for someone who has betrayed your trust over and over again? How many chances are you suppose to give someone who promises to change? Who cries and begs you to stay when you start walking out the door. And then dumps you when you won’t put up with their head games. Cuts you off when you no longer suit their needs. What are the chances this person will ever change? Who’s looking out for YOUR well-being?

    The point is YOU have to look out for your well-being. If that means avoiding someone who is broken beyond repair, then so be it. Looking out for your own well-being does not make you less of a person. You do not have to tolerate someone else’s bullshit. No matter what they may have gone through.

    By all means, encourage your loved ones to seek help if they have been sexually assaulted. That is the only act of compassion required from you. But for the love of all that is good, DO NOT enable the denial and the delusions.

  25. savorydish said

    Would it be too much to ask for one of these survivors to own up to their own angry abusive behavior?

    This blog has been up for a year. To date, I have yet to have one survivor own up.

    Instead, I have received threats. I have received insults. I have received false accusations and gross characterizations. I have received projections and denials. I have received demands that I shut this blog down immediately.

    What I have not received is anything remotely resembling ownership or compassion.

  26. savorydish said

    Naive and angry survivors think they are planting fear in the hearts of potential rapists. This is proof of delusional and traumatized thinking.

    In reality, they are antagonizing the rest of the world. They are alienating those who were once friends and lovers. And destroying any hope to find sympathy outside their Tumblr communities and dysfunctional circles.

    All the advocacy, slut walks and petition signing will not diminish the fear, mistrust and anger they hold onto. It only perpetuates it.

  27. savorydish said

    “WTF Is up with people leaving Tumblr?! I has a major fucking sad. ”
    http://misslexington.tumblr.com/post/6755058143/wtf

    Hopefully a few damaged souls are getting the help they need, instead of jacking off on Tumblr like yrself.

  28. savorydish said

    If you’re a parent and your child has been sexually assaulted, then you should have already encouraged them to get help. If you’ve failed to do that or you have chosen to ignore the problem then you have FAILED as a parent. YOUR child is hurting and causing pain to everyone coming into contact with your untreated child. What are you waiting for? Do your job. Be a parent.

  29. savorydish said

    A lot of these angry survivors are self-appointed activists. They claim to fight for human rights and social justice. But their lives are so compartmentalized, they can actually fight for humanity in public. While treating partners inhumanely, when behind closed doors.

    We’ve seen this recently with the likes of Anthony Weiner. And not so recently, with then Pres Bill Clinton. But if you’re a woman who’s been raped, then you can get away with infidelity, emotional/physical abuse and just about anything short of murder.

    • savorydish said

      I’m sure my borderline ex has all sorts of justifications and rationalizations for the way she treated me. Such as “I was drunk” or “I’m fucked up”. As a survivor, she has the luxury of not having to own up to her misdeeds.

  30. savorydish said

    I’ve actually heard my own borderline ex (a feminist and an alleged rape survivor) say things like:
    “All men are pigs” (in reference to her own father)
    “I’d beat the shit out of you” (bragging)
    “No man should ever be able to claim victimization, because they are privileged”

    If a man ever said similar things to a woman, he’d be labeled an abuser and a misogynist. But women can act abusive and then play helpless waif at the same time. These angry survivors are no exception. We’ve seen this Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde act before. These women are not afraid to use their victim card and then slash you with it when no one is looking.

    It is this type of two-faced behavior that alienates people who would otherwise consider themselves proponents of feminism. But when a man has been abused by a rape survivor/feminist, that person has to re-evaluate his opinion of the feminist movement.

    The fact is feminism, which use to be about equal rights and empowerment, has been hijacked by misandrists and angry rape survivors. To them, all men are pigs and society is nothing but a culture that supports rape. Don’t believe me? Spend some time on Tumblr.

  31. savorydish said

    It is because these survivors were used and abused, then tossed away, that they do the same onto others. This horrid manner of treating another human being has been etched into their brain by a traumatic event, maybe even by a lifetime of mistreatment.

    One would think that a survivor of abuse would be more sympathetic and sensitive to the mistreatment of others. And they are, when they are not involved. But sadly, these people are not always in control of their own behavior.

    For instance, children who are sexually abused go on to sexually abuse others. Children of alcoholics go on to become alcoholics. A woman who is raped, goes on to abuse their intimate partners because intimacy has become a trigger for abuse.

  32. savorydish said

    If you think my borderline ex has apologized for the horrible way she has treated me, think again. Oh sure, she cried and apologized when she still had use for me. That was manipulation, not remorse.

    Previous to our break up, it was all a smiley act to lure me in. When she realized she could not control me, that’s when she showed me her true brutal nature. When she finally found a replacement (someone she could control), she wiped me out of existence. She demonized me and treated me like dirt.

    Instead of owning up to the fact that SHE sabotaged the relationship (like all her other relationships), she blamed it all on me. I was the crazy one. Forget all the good times we had. Forget all the second and third chances I gave her. When she was done, she was DONE.

    Instead of owning up to her misbehavior, she moved to another country, she changed her hair and completely re-invented herself. She shut out the past for convenience sake. Because that’s what survivors are best at- storing the dark past in the attic and locking it away.

    They have learned to act like nothing happened. Her whole family is good at this act. That’s where she learned it from. They all act like nothing is wrong. Denial is in their blood. Dysfunction is a family tradition.

    • savorydish said

      Passive-aggressive anger is just as abusive as aggressive anger. But abusive-personalities who fly under the radar will never acknowledge this.

      They will often employ the silent treatment and cutting people out of their life as a covert weapon. They do this because they know the extreme pain that comes with the fear of abandonment, especially with co-dependent partners. They have lived with this fear their whole lives, of course they know how much pain they are causing you.

      People in pain want you to know how much pain they are in. The best way to do this is to inflict that pain upon you. When angry survivors shut you out of their life, it is anything but a peaceful resolution. It is an angry survivor lashing out in a passive/cowardly way. Rather than addressing their own issues, they blame you for their pain.

      The point is they WANT to hurt you. They act like they are withdrawing troops, but they are in fact inflicting pain. THEY KNOW THAT. Look into their history and you will see a pattern of behavior- a trail of pain. A person who has been raped carries that pain wherever they go. The victim has now become the abuser. A silent abuser is still an abuser.

  33. savorydish said

    The way most of these untreated survivors have learned to deal with problems and issues is by not dealing with them at all. They sweep problems under the carpet. They are demonstrating avoidant personality behavior.

    Survivors only cut people out of their life when they mean something to them. It is both an act of punishment and self-defense. Survivors have a high turnover rate when it comes to friends and lovers.

    To most, this seems illogical. Why would you push someone away if they mean so much to you? But to those who have an abnormally high sensitivity to rejection, this is perfectly sound.

    They dump you before you can dump them. A survivor always pushes the eject button when they sense a relationship is on its last legs. When they demonize you, blame you and belittle you, they are engaging in damage control. Shutting off their feelings for you is the only way they can escape intimacy unscathed.

    Scaring people off is how an untreated survivor learns to survive. Until they learn better and more mature ways of coping, they will continue to antagonize people around them. Thus continuing the downward cycle of isolation and depression.

    • savorydish said

      It is because they have an abnormal fear of rejection, that these angry survivors are only capable of forming superficial relationships. Sure, they might be very social, they may have 100s of followers on twitter, they may have photos of them hugging and kissing people plastered all over facebook page. But this does not equal intimacy. It equals narcissism.

      This is an illusion created by survivors to fool themselves and others into thinking everything is all right. They are using people as props and accessories, nothing more. Using people is common amongst untreated survivors who have developed histrionic/narcissistic tendencies to cope.

      Using people is a form of abuse. You are manipulating them to serve your selfish needs. All the while, you are misleading them to believe the relationship is something more than it really is. You are being dishonest.

      The truth is when your rape trauma is untreated, other people become objects- another way to fill the endless void. This is a futile attempt to satisfy the insatiable need for attention.

  34. savorydish said

    I have been fortunate enough to never have someone falsely accuse me of rape. But having dated my fair share of damaged women, I know this scenario is entirely possible. I know there are women out there who would not hesitate to use this as a weapon to express their deep-seated rage. There are women who are just that fucked up. They are a small minority but they exist.

    You can see by this posting how much rage is hidden inside these women. You should be scared of them. I have seen how vindictive and spiteful they can be. I have seen them tell stories of tragedy just to elicit sympathy. I have seen them twist the truth to their own benefit. I have seen them abuse their victim cards over and over again.

    These are women who derive much of their power from claims of victimhood (real or imagined). These women will do anything to get attention. They will bait you just to have an excuse to hurt you.

    It is possible that these damaged women were actually raped. Their anger would certainly indicate that they have experienced some sort of trauma. But it is also possible they might have experienced that trauma much earlier in life. At an age when they were too young to remember. Borderlines were most likely traumatized at around 3 yrs of age.

    It is common for these women to replay the tragedies of their past. Even ones that have been suppressed or forgotten. In your head, you are having consensual sex. In their head, they are experiencing sexual assault at age 3. These are things rape advocates do not talk about. But medical science will confirm these observations as truths.

    Just because a woman can not physically harm you, does not mean they can’t harm you. It is your word against theirs. Your best self-defense is to stay away from anyone who appears to be emotionally damaged. Contrary to what rape advocates tell you, damaged people do wear signs around their neck. It behooves you to learn what these signs are.

    DO NOT have sex with a stranger if it seems like they are not in control. I don’t care how much they’ve had to drink. Drinking is how most damaged people cope. Especially when they drink to the point where they are no longer present in the moment.

    Dissociation is a clear sign of someone suffering from past trauma. Even if they give consent, you are at risk of triggering traumatic memories. If you are both drunk, it makes it more likely perceptions will be blurred. If you have brothers or sons going off to college, let them know these women exist.

  35. savorydish said

    The line between triggered memories and reality is a fuzzy one. This is a person who has a very loose grip on reality. Even though it seems like they’re crazy, they aren’t really mentally ill. This is the way the brain reacts to trauma. The hostility we see in these young women who fantasize about violent revenge is the result of traumatization. This hostility is not just reserved for rapist or potential rapist. Loved ones are usually the ones who bear the brunt of this hostility.

  36. savorydish said

    This is not widely published information. Even though most therapists know it to be true, they are reluctant to talk about it. They fear being accused of victim blaming. It is socially taboo to say bad things about rape survivors.

    But every human being has a darkside. Rape survivors are no exception. Unfortunately, partners of survivors have to find out the hard way. They find out after they, themselves, are scarred. After survivors have already moved on to the next victim.

    The voices of these abused partners are often silenced by angry activists and dismissive survivors. And so their pain goes unacknowledged.

  37. savorydish said

    The article posted above has been reblogged many times by ecstatic survivors. The anger they have towards rapists is understandable. But left unchecked, that anger is often directed at anyone who comes near them.

    In reality, rapists usually walk off without a mark. Never to hear from the survivor again. And so the anger is left to be dealt with by people who choose to care for survivors. People who made the mistake of loving someone who can not love them back.

    Here are more Tumblr reactions to that article:

    Fuck yes. Can I get…woop woop? You go girl. That’s how every fucking scumbag…

    That bitch is indeed awesome.

    For the most part, Robby, I agree. However, if swung hard enough, a sickle could decapitate someone with relative ease.

    http://tinyfloralninja.tumblr.com/post/6416541457/damn-girl-also-in-a-bid-to-save-her-dignity

  38. savorydish said

    I don’t know what the official numbers are for untreated survivors. And even if I did, I wouldn’t trust them. How do you do a head count of people who don’t want to be counted?

    It does seem like their numbers are growing exponentially. You will find whole populations of untreated survivors huddled together in every big city and on the internet. You can feel the anger. That anger spreads from one person to another. The world has become an angrier place. Just read the news if you don’t believe me.

    Birds of a feather flock together. Survivors find each other. They form tight-knit communities. They appropriate subculture. They disguise themselves as activists in order to push their agenda.They spread misinformation and half-truths. They do everything but encourage each other to seek help. If anything they encourage each other to stay angry. This is the blind leading the blind.

    Their numbers will continue to grow until society addresses this problem. But nobody wants to talk about rape. And those who do, don’t want to talk about the emotional fallout from rape. And they certainly don’t want to seek treatment.

  39. savorydish said

    Nobody is saying survivors don’t have a right to be angry. But left untreated, anger is spread like a disease. Death threats might be aimed at rapists, but the real casualties are loved ones. That’s because their anger is uncontrolled. It’s raw and exposed. It’s irrational and indiscriminate.

    In this hostile environment, lovers and friends turn to enemies. Anger leads people to not care. Cynicism, hatred and apathy take the place of love. Long after the survivor has run away from the scene, the anger still lingers.

  40. savorydish said

    Instilling fear in others is a common tactic used by misguided and irrational rape survivors. That kind of fuzzy logic is driven by fear. And actions driven by fear can only lead down a destructive path.

    The solution is NOT instilling fear in others. No. That only makes things worse. That only makes people angrier. The solution is not protests, petitions or moral outrage. That kind of political rage is too easily tuned out by a world that has other problems on its plate.

    No, the solution is actually quite simple. It involves personal change. Treatment. Therapy. Personal responsibility for your own well-being. Simple but not easy.

    A woman who has been raped has been traumatized. Traumatization requires treatment. Anything else is just a song and dance act. And the only people applauding for this act are other untreated survivors.

  41. savorydish said

    When somebody is traumatized, they often resort to primitive, brutal and sometimes abusive reactions. Their own abuse causes permanent changes in their bio-chemistry. As a result they are in a constant state of red alert. Perceived danger is everywhere. Even when (in reality) it’s not. In their mind, the world is out to get them.

    Most survivors learn to suppress and compartmentalize their rage, but this only creates disproportionate rage at inappropriate times. They create fake personas, but neglect to care for the person behind the public image.

    Instead of addressing their own issues, they blame others.
    This results in a life of chaos and conflict.

  42. savorydish said

    Once again, notice the similarities between an untreated survivor and an untreated borderline:

    “Individuals with BPD evidence readily corruptible ethics, standards, and ideals. Their capacity to experience genuine guilt is weak; their only effective restraints on behavior center around shame, fear, and dread of exposure.”

    http://heartsinthefire.com/id70.html

  43. Leah said

    Hi Savory Dish,

    I’m not deleting anything out of shame. I was just doing my best not to engage you any further without having to delete my tumblr altogether. Of course I don’t want a stranger writing inflammatory things about my mental health on the internet!! I just turned around and deleted the posts that I thought would bother you because that is what I would want for myself. I have not commented up until this point, or contacted you in any way, because I thought that would be the best, most tactful thing to do. It didnt seem like anything i could say to you would be met well. It is clear though, that even without directly engaging you, you are still troubled by my presence and looking for something in my posts.

    You are totally right. I made a big mistake in talking about your blog on my tumblr. I don’t know you, only what you post about, and that isn’t enough to judge you on. It seems like you went through a very painful experience and I do feel empathy towards you and badly for judging someone who is clearly still processing emotions and dealing with pain. So indeed, it was foolish, insensitive and mean of me to discuss your blog on my tumblr and I am sorry.

    There are many grains of truth in your blog. I would never say it is “bullshit”. And at the end of the day, anything else is ultimately none of my business.

    If you would like me to lay myself bare for you, so that you can stop drawing your own conclusions about me; I was raped a decade ago. I have been in therapy consistently ever since (except for periods between therapists, like when I’ve moved or when someone has left a practice) and also for many years before. I am in therapy right now, too (I have a particularly great therapist at the moment!). I have seen many different psychologists, psyhiatrists, therapists and counsellors, but I have never received a diagnosis for a personality disorder. I do have a learning disorder that went undiagnosed for some time and caused me troubles as a kid (and still does where school or work is concerned), I have trouble with anxiety, and yep! anger and depression. Being raped does make one angry and that anger dissipates over time and is assuaged through therapy and made sense of, but it does linger. There is no shame in any of this, and it is no secret to anyone who knows me well. I don’t talk about these things on my blog because I talk about them constantly in my personal life as they come up. And also because, despite what you may think, my life is going pretty well at the moment. You can read back even further in my tumblr to see me complain about feeling depressed, if you really want, though.

    So there is an honest apology and admittance of seeking treatment for you. I hope that we can both just move past this and carry on with our lives.

    PS: I was horrified by that story when it made the rounds on tumblr. Whether you can believe it or not, I can’t relate to people who find inspiration in stories of horrific violence, regardless of the motive.

    • Leah said

      PPS I hope that you appreciate my candor with you, but I really don’t want to become the subject of any more posts or comments. I will extend you the same courtesy.

    • Leah said

      PPSS I am indeed a feminist, but I don’t hate men! Also I am an only child so “too much attention” was more likely an issue.

  44. journeygrl said

    WOW! I just wish that the public would stop labeling BPD as a woman’s disorder, because I have come to realize that men are rarely diagnosed; and I’ve come to understand that often a disordered person has more than one disorder, the professionals tell me that there is usually two or more, and there are no clear definite lines, that these disorders overlap, and savory dish is right; when you are in a relationship with a person like this it is a freaking tornado; and you sure better find you a damn good therapist, cause you are gonna need them to help you pick up the pieces of your life, and to help you dig yourself out of the shit hole that this person leaves you in. After 4 years I’m still trying to figure out “What the f..? and Who the hell I was married too.? Savory dish may need to read Lundy’s book, “Inside the mind of angry and controlling men”, or perhaps Lundy needs to write a book called, “Disordered…Broken people”..,.more importantly, EDUCATING on how to spot these people so your ass can run like hell before they suck you into their hell is the answer. As human beings we all have weaknesses, short comings, fears, and we are all selfish to some degree and want what we want, but there are those in this world that go to the extreme and will do whatever it takes to continue to live in their denial that they are not broken. These people can never be fixed, they are driven to self destruct and they blame everyone else for their brokenness. It doesn’t matter about the diagnosis, and we can speculate on which one, whether, BPD, NPD, sociopathic, or psychopathic, the list goes on and on….they all fit in one column..BROKEN….if you are not married to the person, fall on your knees and gives thanks to the creator that you were spared, and work on forgiving yourself for making the bad choice of getting involved with this broken person, forgive yourself for not connecting the dots early on, before this person damages you beyond repair, don’t get stuck in beating your head against the wall, work on healing, healing, healing, and move on, because they will never change.

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