You Are Ridiculous

June 11, 2011

In the last post, I was visited by a commenter who goes by the name “You Are Ridiculous”. Ironically, her first comment was a bit ridiculous, a bit of a rage fest. It seems she was upset by comments made about her fellow Tumblrites. But after a good talk, she has toned down the rhetoric. Since she has made an effort to play nice, I’ve decided to address her concerns. Since her comments are lengthy, I have also decided it would be best to post my response here:

@ You Are Ridiculous

I’ll do my best to address all your points but I may not address them all because quite frankly it’s the same points that every angry feminist makes when they leave a comment here. And even I get tired of repeating myself.

Let’s start with your explanation:

Let me explain myself a little — at one point in my life I had a very close female friend who I now very much suspect was/is BP… Obviously not quite the same effect as being in a romantic situation with one of these individuals, but I am totally aware of the damage someone with this disorder can wreak when you’ve formed a genuine attachment to them (and of course, a most “intense” friendship). I can totally understand and even appreciate the need for a means of support (and a community) for those left in the wake of such an individual’s lovely “whims” and behavior, and a place to further analyze this type of personality and its presence in our society in a larger sense.

I appreciate this little bit of acknowledgment. But you are very right. Having a friend who is BP is nothing like being in a co-dependent relationship with a borderline. Had this been your only comment, I would have accepted it as genuine concern for my well-being. Unfortunately, you went on to belittle my experience. You segued from being concerned to being dismissive. You followed the above comment with this:

But there comes a point, I think, where you have to “let it go” — you pick yourself up and you’ve learned to not let yourself get close to a person like this again

Communication 101: when you follow a sentiment with “But…”, you basically negate everything you said prior to the “But…”. With all due respect, you don’t know me well enough to be concerned for my well-being. Padding your criticisms with feigned concern is not only disingenuous, it’s manipulative. I’ve known enough manipulative people in my lifetime to know bullshit when I smell it. So please save the song and dance act for someone else. It insults my intelligence as well as yours.

You are no different than the 100 other angry commenters who came here trying to shut down this blog with your indignation. I appreciate the fact that you made efforts to soften your tone of voice, but the intent remains the same. Your initial outburst, while unruly and irrational was probably your most honest response. Basically, you don’t like what I have to say, and you wish me to cease and desist. The truth is you don’t really care about what I went through. You only care about how you feel after reading this blog.

Contrary to what you assumed, this blog has only been up for a year or so. And only since last summer, did I really put any focus on talking about BPD. Psychology has always been an interest of mine, but this marks the first time I have ever publicly talked about my experiences through the filter of personality disorders. You call it an obsession. I call it making sense of my life.

But even if it was an obsession, you of all people should understand obsessions. You seem to have an obsession with the idea of misogyny and victimization. Just as others like you have an obsession with “rape culture” and the ever popular notion of the “Patriarchy”. We all have our own personal demons. Some people choose to blame Liberals or Conservatives for ruining the world. Others choose to blame the Man or an Oppressive Force of some kind. I have chosen to put my focus on Abusive Personalities, Silent Abusers in particular. I have observed that most of my problems have stemmed from my exposure to such people. Throughout my whole life, I have remained silent about this experience. And I have only decided just this year to break the silence.

So while you may find my “vent fest” to be offensive. I have found it to be liberating and enlightening. Had it not been for this blog, I might still be in the dark about such things. I might still be going from one abusive relationship to another. This blog and the contents within have liberated me from my borderline ex and relationships just like it. It is my attempt to stop the downward cycle.

What you fail to understand (and you are not alone) is Borderlines have a magical hold on their co-dependent partners. These relationships are held together by an addiction. You would never tell a cocaine addict to “just get over it” so why would you tell a person who is addicted to codependent relationships to just get over it?

Such careless comments completely demeans their hardships and their struggles. Such recovery takes a lengthy period of introspection, re-education and re-conditioning. It took a lifetime to pick up these bad habits, and now it will take the rest of my life to unlearn them. This is how I have taken responsibility for my own well-being. This is something I have been able to do quite well without the helpful suggestions or feigned concern provided by the likes of you.

This blog has helped me see the light. It has effectively showed me the error of my ways. Had it not been for my efforts here, I would still be emotionally distraught and lost. So while you are convinced that this blog is pure evil. For those, like myself, it serves as a guide for a better life. What you see as obsession, I see as a commitment to stay on track. What you see as an attack on fellow Tumblrites, I see as self-defense and raising awareness about victims turned silent abusers.

Since this blog has dedicated itself to such things, I have noticed two kinds of commenters. Those who get it and those who don’t. Those Who Get It don’t have to imagine what it was like to be in a relationship with a borderline, because they went through it. To them, these posts are a cathartic acknowledgment of their pain. Pain that the rest of the world doesn’t understand (ie. Those Who Don’t Get It)

Those Who Don’t Get It judge and belittle, because it provides a sense of superiority and control they do not enjoy in the real world. Condescending remarks directed at some other unfortunate soul acts to inflate a suffering ego.Their feigned concern is a narcissistic act. Posing as Mother Theresa, when really they are looking for a fight.

You reacted the way you did because something written here triggered feelings of inadequacy. That’s me serving you the truth. I will not feign concern but I will suggest that maybe you examine what is it in YOU that makes YOU feel inadequate when YOU read the posts here. I nor this blog can make you feel something you don’t already feel. Your rant is not about ME, it’s about YOU.

I’m sorry if you feel I am being a tad misogynistic. Unfortunately for you, my experiences with BPD have been with borderline women. That is not through any choice of mine. So you and your angry feminist friends are shit out of luck. If it’s any consolation, I believe the majority of women are good-hearted and kind, unfortunately I have a penchant for crazy bitches. The good news is I am committed to changing that fact. Thus this blog.

If you feel I have targeted you and your friends for no good reason, then I suggest you re-evaluate yourself and your friends. This was not an arbitrary selection process. Your friends targeted me. I have only engaged them after they brought themselves to my attention. I followed the links to their site after they sent proxies to mine. So please do not paint yourselves as victims. That is also manipulative. This is exactly the type of behavior that leads others to believe you and your friends are troubled souls.

My hope is that, through awareness, these troubled souls will seek help and end the cycle of abuse and victimization. Only then will you see a disappearance of blogs like this one. Badgering me only adds fuel to the fire. It is evidence of abusive personalities and their active campaign to silence the discussion about personality disorders. Such badgering does indeed have an affect on my decision. Just not the effect that you were hoping for. Hostility begets more hostility. This blog means to teach troubled souls that antagonizing others (whether you mean to or not) can only bring them more misery.

I hope that answers most of your points. If not, feel free to respond. This blog will continue its course for as long as I deem necessary. Your concerns have been noted. But they are your concerns, not mine. This blog serves my needs, not yours. If you dislike it, I suggest you stop reading it until such time you can read such things and not feel bad about yourself. Good luck to you as you tackle your own problems.

7 Responses to “You Are Ridiculous”

  1. savorydish said

    ps- You say you weren’t traumatized. You say you don’t have BPD or HPD. Ok, I’m not here to convince you otherwise. But the fact is something triggered an anger response in you. Disproportionate rage is usually misplaced rage. This is the response I usually get from people who strongly identify with the personality described in these pages.

    fyi- Trauma is not a pre-requisite for genetic BPD. Also most people who deny they have been traumatized have a tendency to suppress such memories. It does not take a lot to traumatize a child. Physical and sexual abuse are the most obvious ones. But trauma can come in the form of neglect, parental alcohol abuse, separation, etc. Just sayin you might wanna look deeper into your past. That rage you displayed was real. You might wanna ask where it came from. Probably a dark place.

    • WakkaWakka said

      I do regret how the “letting it go” thing came out in the other post and it really wasn’t meant as dismissive. And I have no desire to censor what you, or anyone else, posts, or more specifically for you to cease and desist.

      Also, you’d be surprised (well, maybe not) just how much having that “best friend”/roommate with BPD was like being in a co-dependent relationship! I’ve never really had a friendship that consuming and draining and yes, co-dependent, and I guess that’s just part of how borderlines function and form “friendships” when they’re in close proximity with someone (and really all of the ultimately damaging behaviors didn’t come into full effect until this person became my roommate, which makes sense — and gave plenty of opportunity for loads of wreckage). I could go on more about it, and I guess I’ve kind of tried to really distance myself from a lot of it — but I feel your pain, man. Again, this is in no way meant to be dismissive — I know that what you went through was probably way more intense and damaging, but believe me when I say, I do get it.
      At the time I had this “friendship/relationship” I didn’t know what BPD was, so it’s been enlightening and somewhat therapeutic to learn about it since, and kind of make sense of it all — so I can totally understand/respect your need for a community and outlet.

      I guess in recent years I’ve just tried to adopt more of a compassionate attitude towards these very sick people. I found that helped me to let go of what I was holding on to in regard to that experience. I guess that’s more of what I was trying to express.

      I am also very aware of my own range of problems and issues, as well as how my past has shaped me. And I should have vented to myself and deleted whatever — this, and my in-articulations, are why I generally don’t like to involve myself with postings to the internet. Truly – I wish you luck with everything and I’m very sorry for some of the harsher words, and also if some things were misconstrued.

      • savorydish said

        It seems there has been a misunderstanding on both sides. So for my part, I apologize. And I thank you for acknowledging your part. But this is why I continue posting here, because I recognize that only through conversation can people better understand each other.

  2. savorydish said

    “I like people too much or not at all.” -Sylvia Plath

    Black and white thinking is associated with the borderline personality. Idealizing some and demonizing others.

    • WakkaWakka said

      The idealizing and demonizing (not just with “some and others” but idealizing and then demonizing the very same person) is such a specific and core part of the BPD typification, that one cannot quite understand fully unless they’ve been on the receiving end of it, and it is one of the things that “makes” someone “fit” BPD, rather than more generalized “trauma”, or say, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, what have you. It is a ‘trait’ that I guess I feel is really hard to know about someone, unless you know them at least somewhat quite well?

      I suppose my original indignation (which I really never should have sent) came at being somewhat flabbergasted at the intensity of response you had to what appeared to be one small, little post, and then to not only be able to automatically classify that person as “must be borderline,” but to a casual observer (me in this case), you seemed quite hypersensitive to a little bit of careless criticism yourself. I also had had a superficial glance at some of your other posts, probably some of your more “controversial” posts, but I admit at the time I didn’t have a well-rounded look at your other posts where you clearly do own up to your own “issues” in the whole situation.

      FYI — I’m not on tumblr nor do I have tumblr friends, nor am I part of this community that you mention. I’m just an observer. I can actually, after having had a more thorough look at your blog and posts, say that I can really see both sides of things now. I can see where you’re coming from much better, and unfortunately I did not express myself the greatest, as I certainly did not mean to imply “just get over it” in a dismissive way — that’s not how I meant it at all. I guess I meant the “letting it go” thing more in the sense that a blog is a very public forum in which to examine a very personal experience about very specific people. But of course that’s your prerogative, and as such, you leave yourself open to criticism.
      And as I said, I hadn’t yet seen the posts where you recognized your own place and position in all of it, and I really think I did read a bad combination of things which formed an initial impression that wasn’t the most accurate. There’s an assuming tone in certain spots that does rub me the wrong way… I just think it’s worth using some care with throwing diagnoses around, because I would say it’s hard for someone who has not been impacted by a borderline personality to really, fully “get” what it is, and I would bet many, many people can identify themselves in the traumatized elements of it without necessarily exhibiting the dissociative elements which are such a key part of this disorder. I guess maybe for me it’s coming down to a question of PTSD vs. BPD… k, enough rambling.

      • savorydish said

        Thank you for taking the time to understand my side of things. And I did not mean to belittle your friendship with your BP friend in context to my intimate relationship. I lost a lover and a friend in my ex, so I get where you are coming from. I also wish you the best and invite you to chime in whenever you feel like it.

  3. savorydish said

    To address your concerns about BPD vs PTSD, I think in many ways they are very similar and perhaps intersect at some point. As you said this requires a proper diagnosis. Not by me but by a trained professional. That being said I have spent a good part of my life with people who have some disorder or another. And having studied these personalities quite extensively, I think I’m pretty good at picking out borderline behavior.

    I am always quick to remind people not to take my word for anything I say. I’m only pointing out behavior that is associated with BPD. That said, we all have a little BPD in us. It’s part of our primitive brain. But those who have been traumatized display more of those qualities than others.

    So even if that person doesn’t have BPD, it’s worth it to point out such behavior for the sake of awareness. In the end, it’s not the disease that is important to address. It’s the abusive behavior that is indicative of BPD that warrants attention.

    I am not sadistic. I just want people to take responsibility for their behavior. And not just think they can cause chaos and then walk away. That must stop if this cycle is to stop.

    Because you are right- a borderline will pull you in by idealizing you and then turn and demonize you. It’s the worst kind of feeling one can ever know. It totally ruins your ability to trust others.

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