Betrayed By a Borderline

June 1, 2011

Nobody should ever accuse a partner or ex-partner of a borderline/rape survivor of not having enough compassion. If anything, they are guilty of too much compassion. A commenter, Chris, tells his story in response to a post titled When Borderlines Cut You Out of Their Life:

I have recently been there. I started to write this post twice about my experience but it started to turn into a book. My X also had been raped in her early twenties. I did not learn about it until a year into our relationship. She really played it down but I wonder just how much it affected her. Keep in mind this is someone I had known for 23 years and we dated in high school. She recently came back into my life.

Just some advice to anyone. Just run. It will zap your soul and drive you insane. A borderline works on an entirely different level of logic. They are not caring and they do not know how to love. You are only as good as your last conversation with them. They will tell you they have loved you all their lives and the next day you are the worse person for them.

When you leave them they will date your friends, ruin relationships with mutual friends, and tell lies to their new boyfriends about you. When you react to their insanity they will threaten you with restraining orders. Then they will come back to you. They will play vulnerable and seductive to get you back, and if you have any co-dependent tendencies you will take them back. Once they have you back they will tell you just how much they love you. They are smart, funny, charming and the good times are awesome and at those times you will love them and think perhaps it is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Get it in your head right now. There is no fixing them and it will not get better no matter how much of a white knight you are. Leave them and don’t look back. Get off facebook and break all contact until you feel strong. Do not respond to them and don’t even piss on them if they are on fire. They will try everything to get you back into their lives to repeat the hurtful cycle over and over again.

Case in point. In my last breakup with my BPD I caught her contacting men on craigslist for dates by reading her email. Our prior breakup resulted in her going after a guy I knew only to cheat on him with me. The remorse I got for reading her email and ending it was a call from the police threatening arrest for gaining access to her email. Three months later she starts contacting me again only to want to play I have a new guy game again. I refused to play. Two months after that she comes telling me the new great guy tried to strangle her. Me being the fool I get sucked in showing her compassion only to have her cycle of rejection and hurt start all over again. BTW…she got back together with the guy that tried to strangle her.

If she thinks you are the crazy one let her think that way. Do not try to explain your feelings to them as they don’t look at things as a history. They only react to the way they feel now and they will never see your point of view. They may pretend to have remorse but they do not. They are so caught up in their image of self it has nothing to do with you.

Save yourself and get out and forgive yourself for things you may have done or said during your time with your BPD. The fact you are here reading this means you are trying to make sense of things which already makes you a good person.

Be careful when dealing with a borderline who is also a rape survivor or even alleged survivor. This is someone who has been severely traumatized and most likely has been re-traumatized over and over again. Any impression that this person is perfectly fine is a false impression… Most likely created by the borderline/survivor. Never mind how much you think he/she loves you. Without treatment, this person is literally incapable of love or intimacy. When someone is this traumatized, they can turn on you at any moment.

28 Responses to “Betrayed By a Borderline”

  1. savorydish said

    Sexual assault makes BPD so much worse. This is no ordinary borderline personality.

    Imagine how traumatizing sexual assault might be for someone who was emotionally healthy to begin with. Now imagine the effect it would have on someone who is 10 times more sensitive than the average person. To say this person is emotionally unstable is an understatement.

    The fear of abandonment that is normally associated with BPD will be coupled with the fear of being sexually assaulted again. They will alternate between paranoia and being totally out of it. They will alternate between learned helplessness and extreme vigilance. If they seem controlling and uptight, it’s because they are using every bit of energy to hold it together.

    They will develop a hair-trigger temper. The “walking on eggshells” feeling most partners get with borderlines can only be worse after someone has been sexually assaulted.

    • savorydish said

      And despite all this, somehow these people (and their friends and family) think they can go on living a normal life without treatment. This shows you the level of denial you are working with. When this much damage is done, denial is the only way they can cope.

      Normal BPD takes 7-10 years to treat. And that’s if you’re motivated. A borderline who has been raped has little or no motivation to face reality. Let alone the motivation to seek treatment. For these people relief comes from pretending like nothing is wrong.

      • savorydish said

        Friends and family will not only look the other way, they will actually cover for the untreated borderline’s erratic behavior. They will demonize anyone who dares to suggest that their loved one is somehow damaged. They do this because the trail leads back to their dark family roots. But by participating in the cover-up, they are basically playing Russian Roulette with someone who has suicidal tendencies.

      • savorydish said

        Don’t expect a borderline’s family to intervene. BPD has genetic roots. Unless they have received treatment, they will only turn on you. Nobody wants to hear that their loved one is messed up. Least of all a borderline family. This is a family filled with dark secrets- disorders, infidelity, alcoholism. They will fight to keep these secrets under cover. If you hear stories of family drama, that is a clear sign that something is not right.

  2. savorydish said

    A few commenters have asked if they can share this blog with their BP partner with the intention of setting them straight. I comply because I know where their heart is at. But at the same time, I have the perspective to know how hard it is to convince a borderline that there is something wrong with them.

    A BP must accept their condition on their own. If they are in denial, your attempt to educate them will be futile. Your attempt will probably be interpreted as an attack and they will respond with extreme hostility. If they haven’t already split you black, this will be the trigger.

    This is a person who will try to turn the tables on you. They will actually accuse you of being the crazy one. Don’t be surprised if they threaten you with legal action. This is a standard response, pretty much straight out of the textbook.

    This is their way of invalidating your opinions. You can provide a mountain of factual evidence. It still will not convince the borderline there is something wrong with them.

    In their mind, you are trying to victimize them, diminish them and harass them. This is how you know you are dealing with a borderline in denial.

    • Mary Purple said

      OMG!!!!! This has been my life for twelve years! It is all so trueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! How sad!!!!
      Thanks for posting this comment, it helped me tremendously!
      Keeping posting it, there is always someone out there reading it!
      Thanks again!

    • TB said

      I agree full with your input and assessment. And moreover, have read everywhere about DO NOT tell them they have BPD or any other cluster B persona between their ears. That said, my question is how does a BPD know when it is time to seek help. Their light did not go off when we explained to them that their behavior hurts, their lies do not help, they become aggressive and you try to have boundaries of tolerance etc…but the light never goes on since they lack empathy and simple understanding. So when or how does the light go off that they need help?

      I have been dealing, not anymore, but am shellshocked, with an ex BPD/HPD who has initiated a smear campaign amongst anyone who we mutually know, and her proxies. Please give your thoughts on this. My ex is beautiful, yes the type who makes men turn etc. So my conclusion is the light will never go on since the simple answer is…why should they change??? They can get any man any time no matter if he is married, a priest, even gay am sure (not that I have anything against gay people) it just amazes me that she will never see the light.

      Funny note, I was some time ago out with her, her mother and boyfriend…my ex started acting rude at the restaurant, putting me down, bullying in a way, telling me what to do, hostile…anyway the mother said to me…ohhhh I see so much in my daughter (naturally I was aware that the mother abandoned her as a child and has numerous boyfriends, a few husbands etc) …I was so similar…it took me until I was in my late 40’s to understand my mistakes…and I thought to myself…oh boy, she is 31…all I have is another 20 years of this shit.

      • savorydish said

        She may never see the light. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You are still enmeshed in her drama. So all your time and effort must be put into digging yourself out. Stop trying to convert her. Stop waiting for her to come around. Help yourself. Figure out what you need to do to see the light.

  3. savorydish said

    I wouldn’t go as far as Chris to say that borderlines are incapable of remorse. Even the most severe bpd allows for human emotions, more so than the avg person actually. But their feelings of guilt and shame are so intense, I believe it makes them shut off.

    With borderlines it’s not so much a lack of remorse as it is so much remorse that they must act like nothing happen. But that is not to say somewhere deep inside they aren’t hurting. Borderlines often complain about headaches, bad nightmares and trouble sleeping. I believe this to be the result of suppressed feelings of guilt and shame.

    But I can see how ex-partners of borderlines can feel like there is no remorse. When a bp bails on a relationship, there seems to be complete lack of emotion. A trauma survivor is very adept at shutting off emotions so they can go on functioning in life.

    They either feel things too intensely or they have to shut it off completely. There is no in between. That can make them seem both overly-emotional and then, at other times, seem like they are void of emotion.

    When a BP splits you black, the borderline will appear cold and callous. As exes we are tempted to think this is the real borderline. But it is only half the story.

    • savorydish said

      Repressing guilt means you will be disappointed if you’re expecting an apology. Instead of “Sorry I put you through all that bullshit”, they’ll say “get over it”. So it’s pretty easy to think they are incapable of remorse.

    • Robin Lieske said

      I want to have empathy for borderlines but have been so screwed over by my BPD “best friend” that it’s very hard to. This woman did nothing but intentionally wound me, manipulating and triangulating with other friends, for years. She’s a heartless bitch. It’d be nice to think she’s capable of remorse but I never saw it. Each time she’d come back into my life with some vague apology for “whatever she’d done wrong” and the game was on again. It took 25 years to wise up, even with all the evidence of her continuous betrayals to others well in view. The writer of this article is right–just get the hell away from them!

  4. savorydish said

    To add insult to injury a borderline in denial will go out of their way to seem happy and carefree after they have left you shattered. Imagine someone punching you in the gut and then getting drunk every night and having as much sex with as many people as possible.

    It will seem like they are mocking your pain, but this is a fucked up person going out of their way to keep you out of mind and out of sight. The last thing they want is to be reminded of how horribly they treated you.

    A borderline who has been traumatized by rape is far too fragile to accept the notion they have become an abusive fucked up person. Instead they would rather hold onto the idea that they are still the victim. The failure of an abuser to acknowledge their actions is the worst abuse of all.

  5. A borderline is often skilled at seeming to be your ideal partner, someone who is your soul mate, or to use a phrase some borderlines love to use, “You’re my twin.” It is so difficult after contact is broken to keep it that way, especially if you love the borderline person deeply. This is one time that you’d better allow your reason to overcome your emotions, or you will be hurt again, perhaps even worse than before. You can still pray for the person to get help, but don’t hold your breath. Taking responsibility for their condition is not impossible for a borderline, but it is rare. If you call them on a particular behavior, a borderline may lapse into determinism: “I can’t help how I am,” which is, of course, another way of refusing to take responsibility.

  6. fighter said

    This is all so true. My bpd wife left me last year and ran off with my friend. Like all of us the madness only hits us when they’re out the gate. 12 years of my life wasted. WASTED. and she walks around town with this new dude like nothing has happened. Smeared me black everywhere. From my past couple of months I can say a lot of things but most importantly is watch out for hoovering. As soon as they get lonely they will find a way of contacting you telling you they miss you, love you ect. DO NOT BE FOOLED! You mean absoulutely nothing to them. If they have split you black it is over. As soon as they just get a hint that you are maby moving on or slipping away they’lle come back for a second or third helping. I have learned more from her after she left me while she was with me. They quickly learn your weaknesses and then they will work on this. Trust me. Now we all know that no contact is the only way but have you ever thaught of getting a bit of revenge even if it will hurt you more in the process, well here is what I have experienced but be cautios this will set you back in your recovery if you do not know what you are doing. When my wife started the whole miss you, love you BS when her new boyfriend wasnt around i played along. Then for 2 days i would just leave her alone and when she starts texting me again I would just tell her I was mindf@cking her,( although I still love her). This made her so angry and then all the usual insults starts and then I would just let her know “We’ll you started the Mindf@cking first lol”. This would make her totaly confused. From now on I do onto her what she has done onto me. But never under estimate their intellegence. Believe me after they have cut you off they will still surf your facebook ect. When I caught her doing this she said she was only doing it because she wants to get on with her life. HUH? WTF? Thing is we are logical people they are not. I have also learned that if she makes a statement believe the opposite and that will be the truth. They lie even if they do not need to.Yip its tough. She is gorgously beutifull. We have a kid together and I will always be connected to this creature. There is nothing I cannot do. And beware if you just show interest in someone new. Then all hell will break loose. I’ve been througe everything. One moment sitting on my lap telling me how she is looking forward growing old with me and one week later running off with my so called friend taking my son and hitting me with restraining orders. Welcome to Crazyville. If I only knew she had a problem while still with me but hey would that have helped. I dont know. I knew about the eating disorder but did not think it was such a big deal. Guys if you do not have a child with this creature you are blessed believe me. You can get out of her web for good.

    • Flopsy said

      Fighter your post struck a cord with me. Once you are flipped black I think you are dead to them. I could see the end coming because I was pulling away emotionally. His demanding, controlling, impulsive, indifferent and needy ways were wearing me out. The end took me by surprise though. I anticipated trouble because I wouldn’t celebrate his birthday with him and his friends, and I told him I was going out of town for a week. His abandonment issues got the best of him and he ended it screaming and swearing. What a nightmare. I tried to placate him, but then I realized painful has it is, he did me a favor I can breathe again.

  7. Wouldn’t wish one of these demons on my worst enemy. Borderlines are the only direct evidence I’ve seen of satan operating in this world. Sociopaths with no capacity for remorse. There is absolutely no low they won’t sink to.

  8. michael said

    I’m going through hell right now. I’m in love with a woman 44 that has left me again n I think she is a psycopath n bpd n a sex addict. I love her n m trying to save her. Shes in denial n having a hard time with this. Left about a month ago to get her own place to work on some issues. Said she wood be like a hermit. When she was moving n getting her place in order she would call n say I was a priority n she loved me,etc. Soothe time she was saying this she was texting guy she had an affair with 18 months ago or so,while she was seeing me.l forgave her . Texting guy n how she loves him.wish she could kissed him on NHS eve.Ty for a second chance.on n on.I was devastated how she could do thus n a lot of these texts why she was still here in our bed while I was sleeping. She stopped by to see me about12 days ago.drunk n she n I got real hot,our passion is unreal. She got sick from drinking n helped her n put her in bed n she fell asleep.having some distrust I checked her texts.I couldn’t stop crying,allthe texts to this guy. But what really upset me was a text to this young kid 24yrs old about her giving head to his uncle.yes,she said to this kid she was doing it for 10minutes n nothing happened,n I know she has something going with the nephew to.this is real crazynesd n disgusting. She was raped by her brothers from 12-15 n km RPG it a secret for 25 yrs. I’m affraid for her wellbeing .she’s in denial of her disorder n I can’t reach her true self. Please help me. Michael :…….she is I feel dancing with the Devel

  9. Juan said

    I can’t take this anymore!
    Too many good people on here with the poisoness victimized mindet,which is exactly what satan & our BDP ex’s want.
    I say this because I too beat myself up for about 10 months after being shocked after a 14 year friendship & relationship.
    Everyone please listen.
    Why does everyone on here seem to be good strong people who were strategically weakened over time then blindsided by a self centered actor who gave us all the red flags & stop signs in the world?
    Everyone please immediately buy the book “The Art of War”!
    We were in a war the moment we came in contact with these people and didnt know it. Stop right now and think about all the times you had that uncomfortable gut feeling when some shit seemed wierd or you were shocked at some shit they did but let it go because you really wanted to look at the good in them but in reality just didnt want to be alone & the sex was too good to just walk away from?
    The relationship with a BP is nothing but a series of battles, A FUCKING WAR & we dont even know that we are engaged in a war because we think we just met someone and are in a relationship that has ups & downs. WE ARE IN A WAR or WERE IN A WAR. THATS WHY EVERYONE ON HERE IS REALLY COPING WITH PTSD LIKE FUCKING WOUNDED SOLDIERS FROM A BATTLEFIELD. WE DO NOT MISS THEM! WE ARE DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, SPIRITUAL & for some even PHYSICAL TRAUMA & our BDP is the cause so they are our focal point!
    Buy the Art of War and arm yourself since this is a war, fuck self help books and therapy & time does not heal shit! Accountability, education, discipline, prayer & arming yourself mentally, emotionally & spiritually heals this. 99% of these people will be back in some form of contact, remember any engaging with them, any, is emotional, mental & spiriual contact. Arm yourself!
    PLEASE DO NOT SPEND ONE MORE SECOND BEATING YOURSELF UP FOR BEING A LOVING PERSON. NOW BEAT YOURSELF UP IF SOMEONE ELSE PULLS THE RUG FROM UNDER AGAIN IN THE FUTURE but this is just a huge fucking lesson learned! Pay attention to red flags & stops signs, they are there for a reason? Also NEVER EVER EVER put a woman or man in front of you. The only way to be hurt & let down by a person like this is by placing your wants & needs second, had we kept our wants & needs in place & demanded our respect along with keeping our self respect & dignity the fucked up BDP relationship wouldn’t have made it around the block once the honeymoon period ended. Remember people generally live by one of three mind paradigms. People are either
    Seems most of us here are win/win & are shocked of how someone could discard a nice life & treat us like shit only to go off & fuck some scumbag & live on the edge with disarray when we could of had such a solid happy life together. FUCK EM! There are millions of women & men that pray they would meet on of us right now & would appreciate WIN/WIN!
    Now the fucked up BDP looks at win/win as an opportunity to fuck you up, lie to you, play you stupid, use you & thinks you are weak & dumb for wanted both people to win. See if you win, you become more empowered which is a fucking threat to the sick BDP mindset. They need you to be weakened & insecure because thats how they feel secure. Now about WIN/LOSE, 100% of BDPs are win/lose or lose/win.
    If we win, they feel they lose, again if empowered it pisses them off & frightens them! Even if us winning means they win, it pisses them off deep down. THEY FEEL THEY ONLY WIN IF WE LOSE, WORSE IS IF WE LOSE THEY WIN THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL! Does everyone hear me?
    Even if they didnt win shit, we lost so they are on top! Hopefully this can explain their sudden disappearing acts. You can do everything right put up with their shit, fuck em great to squirting orgasms everytime, financially take care of them and their kid thats not yours BUT IN THE END YOU HAVE TO LOSE!
    THE GOAL POST & HOMEPLATE WILL BE MOVED PERIODICALLY FOR YOU TO LOSE & dont you dare still answer the bell because you will be putting them in a corner by actually being a strong loving man or woman who can overcome obstacles. They have no choice but to present an obtsacle that you can not overcome by leaving you.
    HERE’S the good news, you & I will overcome this shit too! They will never have better, think about it anything better than you they will fuck up even more!
    get it

    • Mel said

      This was one of the BEST friggen replies I have EVER come across. BRAVO Juan. You said it right and did not mince words. You should get an award for your emotional strength, raw reflection, and kick butt words on this post. You helped me more with your expression than many other posts I have read elsewhere. Savory Dish on BPD is the TRUE in depth words of wisdom that nons need to get past the hell we went through with those who came into our lives with this messed up disease. It is HORRIBLE.

  10. Anonymous said

    I just came across this post after enduring 6 months of the most confusing and traumatic shit of my entire life. First off, my mother has BPD, and I believe this is why I am subconsciously most attracted to men with the disorder. So basically, I totally fell for a classmate while in law school, and his words and flirtation indicated that it was mutual. But I was married, and I really wanted to be a good wife. I tried to convince him to date another girl in the school, but whenever she was around, he’d start flirting with me in front of her! It was starting to piss me off, because I really didn’t want to fall for him. But at some point, I was in over my head. He pressured me to confess my feelings for him, and I broke down. Now, being an honest person who had been very unhappy in my marriage for several years, I confronted my husband right away about this, because I didn’t want to have an emotional affair. But sadly, we just couldn’t seem to make it work. Our separation was very amicable, though. I wasn’t necessarily certain that this new guy was “the one,” but at the very least, he had reminded me what love felt like. After having been in a marriage totally devoid of passion, I was ready to feel loved again.

    That’s when this guy I fell for totally flipped his shit. He felt guilty and basically had a panic attack at school and refused to come near me. I was very, very hurt. But ultimately I told him not to worry about it- that I loved him, but it wasn’t necessarily about him, per se. He just had qualities I admired. First he said we shouldn’t talk for a while. Then the next day he flirted with me. Then the next day he said we should just be friends. …yeah. Over the next sixth months, I experienced the most intense hot and cold, emotionally abusive behavior I have ever known. I was more upset over the hot and cold behavior than I would have been over any rejection, because it just felt like getting rejected over and over and over. It was like no matter what I said or did, everything upset him. He only wanted to be friends but wanted to continue to flirt with me and didn’t want me to date anyone else, while he dated another woman on the side without me knowing. It took me six months to figure out that’s what he ultimately wanted.

    In the meantime, I knew something was going on, and when I’d try to confront him on his bizarre behavior, he’d turn it around on me, and I’d be the one apologizing. He was hot and cold with emails and texts, too. I could tell something was being triggered in him, but I couldn’t tell what it was, because he would withdraw or just be a jerk, rather than explain. It was as if he was extremely uncomfortable dealing with anything emotional. At some point, he stopped responding altogether. But then when we’d meet in person, he’d act so in love with me- so long as nobody else was around, that is. So a week later, I’d send another text… which would go ignored. The whole time I was trying to console him and get to the bottom of everything, but the more I tried, the more he’d misunderstand my intentions and become hostile.

    Then for some reason he became extremely paranoid that I was going to “out” him as a home wrecker and started avoiding me when others were around, telling our mutual friends that I was crazy and he never liked me, as some sort of preemptive strike. But when nobody else was around, he’d mirror my body language and my tone of voice and would flirt with me. And he’d hint that I shouldn’t date other people in the school. He’d also gaslight me and deny having said things he said. All the while, I was telling the same people that I really loved him but was confused, because he was giving me mixed signals. I would never have tried to tarnish his reputation, especially because I never viewed him as a bad person. I just genuinely felt he had fallen for me, as I had for him. It’s not something I advocate, but sometimes people just fall in love, and my marriage was already on its deathbed. I even started to believe that he was a soulmate or twin soul. All of these strange coincidences were happening, I was having dreams of him, and it just felt like I kept being physically drawn to his location without even consciously trying. And he mirrored me so perfectly… that is, when nobody else was around. When they were around, he’d ignore me. The strangest part was, some of our mutual friends told me he was a player, and others said he was a perfect gentleman. But they all agreed he had no feelings for me whatsoever.

    In the end, he accused me of being “so intense,” got upset one day when I didn’t make eye contact with him when he walked by (because he had been mean the day before when I tried to talk to him in front of his friends) and retaliated by reporting me to the dean (the fucking dean… of the LAW SCHOOL!!!), and basically turned half of the school against me. Oh, and by the way, after he reported me to the dean, but before I knew about it, he called ME, was totally sweet, but spoke in coded language and didn’t have the balls to tell me that he’d reported me- only that we shouldn’t talk for a few weeks. Meanwhile, I was branded a crazy stalker and a narcissist. Of course, when he saw me in the library a few weeks later, he gave me the, “I’m so sorry” eyes. Then he brought the girl he’d been secretly dating the whole time to a party where he knew I’d show up, probably to save face so he wouldn’t look like a home wrecker. Jesus Christ, way to completely destroy a woman’s self-esteem.

    Anyway, the situation has ruined my reputation with some of our mutual friends. It has taken me months to feel remotely emotionally stable after the psychological trauma, and it will probably be a while before I can feel completely emotionally safe with another man. The good news is, I can definitely recognize the patterns now. But I would NEVER wish this experience on another soul.

  11. You so right my ex bod ruin my life.
    My biggest problem is to forgive myself for
    Being with this monster.
    He used me and I let him 😔

  12. utterlyconfused said

    I used to go to happy hour at this particular bar and chat up this beautiful bartender. I went there for about a year and we always just made small talk. She was dating and living with another bartender at the time. She got fired and was unemployed for a months and I thought she had moved away. We live on a small tourism island in the Caribbean. All of the sudden she pops up on my radar when I’m out with friends at a restaurant. She tells me to come see her at a new bar that just opened that she is working at. I go in there and she tells me she has broken up with her boyfriend but still lives with him. Right before I left that night I gave her my phone number and asked her if she’d like to grab some dinner sometime. The very next day was New Years Eve and I was doing a side job where I chaueffeur a family of billionaires around the island. I run into her at a club and she is completely hammered. She runs into my arms and starts kissing me. She tells me she has always had a crush on me. I’m completely sober so I ask her if she would allow me to drive her home which she obliges. The entire drive home she is running her hand over my crotch and places my hand into her blouse. Its only a short drive to her house where she is still living with her her x boyfriend. I opened the car door for her and walk here haflway to her door not to disturb the ex. A few days go by and I run into her at a Resort Bar on the beach, I’ve just gotten off work to meet up with friends and she is utterly obliterated. She starts kissing me and stroking my crotch in front of her friends. This goes on for about 15 minutes until I have to leave with my friends to a restaurant. Told her to shoot me a text and we will catch up. I finally have a sober chance to meet up with her and we have dinner. I invite her back to my place and I pour a glass of wine and we sit on the couch. She immediately zips open my jeans and proceeds to give me a blowjob. I took her up to my room and we had the wildest sex of my life. I let her stay with me for about 10 days while she figured out a new living situation since her and the ex are broken up. This goes on for about three months, she is always hammered, blacking out, and I’m screwing her brains out. At one point she told me she is pregnant. I have a much larger average penis than the average male which I rarely talk about, but she constantly talks about, telling all of her friends and my friends too. She tells me she loves me two weeks into dating. Tells me that this is the happiest she have been with a guy, blah blah, how good I treat I her, how amazing the sex is, how much I care for her. Into the fourth month, I’ve actually had enough of the blackout episodes and the drinking until she is unconscious. She can be the sweetest most sensitive woman at times but when she drinks she is hard to control. I had just finished a week of hanging out with her and her family whom was visiting the island. I drove them around to dinner etc etc. The girl has a very strange relationship with her family and I get the feeling they know she is very immature for a 30 year old. One night I break it off with her after being tired of her hot/cold behavior. She would be extremely jealous of any female that I spoke to even though I would always reassure her that there was nothing to worry about. I told her I couldn’t trust a girl that blacksout 3-4 times a week and has no idea how she makes it home half the time. She goes absolutely crazy. I tell her I love her and send her a few texts but now she wants nothing to do with me. I see her out at a bar and she runs outside, I follow her to talk to her and when I find her she is in tears, just staring at me, speechless. I see her about 1/2 hour later at the bar, she grabs me, pulls me close, tells me she’s over me, I just kind of smile and say hey can we talk. She pushes me away and starts dancing with any guy within an arms distance of us. About a month goes by and she doesn’t respond to my texts. I tell her I love her and that I just want her to control her drinking etc etc. She texts me out of the blue and says she wants to talk. I was asleep never got the text. Another week goes by and she says I’m really sorry, Thank you for the flowers, I think we should talk. I go see her and we have a good time for about an hour, and then she wants to talk about how I dumped her. I kept apologizing and she was like a broken record. We kiss for a little bit and she grabbing my crotch again. I don’t stay the night with her but the next morning I pick her up to go breakfast. I tell her that I have to pick up a friend (a female) from the airport, this was my old roommate from a year prior whom she has never met but has seen her on my facebook wall. She always used to ask if I used to sleep with her. I drop her off at home and she stops talking to me for two weeks. I text her one night “i love you” she immediately texts back and asks if i can give her a ride to work. She has no car and no license and it was raining that night. I pick her and drop her off. Two days later I see her kissing her co-worker at a bar. About two weeks later she lets this guy move in. He is nothing like me. I work in an executive job, have a college degree, prior military, I surf, workout, eat healhty and have good circle of friends. Her friends god bless them are all alcoholics. She has been living with this guy for about a month and a half now. I started seeing someone new and she saw us out together and she started badmouthing this girl. Worst part this girl and her are sort of friends, which I didn’t do in spite. It took me three months to start seeing somebody again, it took her 1 week to let a guy move in with her. I don’t know if she has BPD, but she seems to bounce from relationship to relationship and she is incredibly needy, irresponsible. She binge spends money on clothes and spent a lot of money on me which I tried to make her stop. She falls in love very quickly and gets very jealous even delusional jealousy. She tells me she is jealous of all my former lovers that I slept with because the sex was so good. She can be incredibly moody at times and her mood can change on the flick of a switch. She drinks heavily and works in a bar. She admits to taking 25 shots during an 8 hour shift. Basically she gravitates to live and work with a guy. I see this as her fear of being alone and detached from a healthy partner. She would always give me grief for my 9 to 5 job and that we couldn’t spend enough time sleeping and having sex together. I tried to explain to her over a text that sometimes distance is good in relationship. Not sure how this went over in her brain. I’m not even sure if she graduated high school come to think of it. She is very emotionally smart and manipualtive and carefully chooses her words. She has never apologized for anything and has called me dramatic and crazy. Gives the silent treatment for weeks at a time, and can do no wrong even though her life it drunked chaos.Tells me now to get over and move on, but I still see her now and then around the island, when I do she pulls for her cigarettes and starts to chain smoke and get quiet. Maybe I was the best thing that ever happened to her but when I abandoned her she split me black and all of her fear of being alone came rushing back.

  13. Rob said

    I know this is an old post but still wanna contribute. This website has helped me so much during recovery of my ex girlfriend who fits criteria for bpd with histrionic tendencies. She has not been diagnosed and refused to get help. I of course am no doctor but almost everything I read on this topic is like it was written just for me and someone was recounting my past relationship with this toxic person. After at least 10 failed attempts of going no contact, I am confident I have finally gotten her out of my life for good. I have been hundreds of miles away from her for over a year, I can’t believe it has taken this long for me to stop this cycle of madness. I feel like a shell of myself after all the craziness. I still have this strange feeling I still carry with me. Maybe a feeling of shame? Still this website has helped and I would probably be much worse without it. I know I have taken the first major step at getting better. Thank you for all the articles and personal info you have shared here, it has certainly helped with my progression.

  14. Idsrvt2 said

    Wow thank you for this blog. My x told me early on that he was molested by his father and abused and allegedly was raped during a photo shoot and hung by his genitals.
    My x came to me and said he was falling apart, he thought he had depression and a personality disorder and was getting help. He felt it was not fair to me to keep seeing me..I was devastated and told him we could still see each other…well he dumped me and wanted to take a break until he saw the dr…but then the dr canceled and we ended up getting back together. He dumped me so coldly one night on the phone saying he had no connections with people. I reacted of course and contacted his mom, because he said he would shoot himself…she seemed uncaring and I’m sure he spun some story that I was a wacko. So out of the blue a few days later he writes he contacted the police and now will have to get a restraining order…mind you I have chronic pain and was just laid up in bed on ice and he thought I would come after him? No logic…so I told him go ahead and now I will too.
    He tried to call me that nite and my family said don’t answer but I wish I did..he texted asking what he needed to do to go on in peace, and he wouldn’t get the order… so I replied with what I thought was a nice email. Two days later I get a onowck on my door it’s the police and I’m served…somehow that morning he beat me to getting an order…would have been I teresti g if we both were in the same place on that day.

    So I file my own order as I noticed it said all firearms must be given up…and he has close to 100 guns.
    Court was interesting, his mom smiled at us… he had an attorney who told me the only reason the x broke up with me was because he has low self esteem and feels I deserve better.
    Court continued the next week…and was even more odd his side was fighting for both to be dropped and less time on the orders

    Meanwhile my x is my letter carrier and still is allowed to deliver mail around me… the post office won’t change his route without a court order and the attorney says we can’t make them do anything….I would have to now pay 1k to have an amendment filed.
    So my x daily walks around my home..and I can’t get mail or have it picked up…
    Every day he acts normal. It’s just shows how far in denial this guy is…no normal person can continue to see an x daily or run the risk of me saying he stalking me etc….I have one police report already filed as he walked out in front of my car.

    All of this could have been avoided…I’m not a mean person but became that way when he broke up with me so coldly…he lives on a fake life website and sleeps on a floor next to his computer…

    A day after I updated my social media he updates his that he rejoining life and just needs to get back in shape .. he didn’t update it in eight years…and that was the reason of the breakup him not trying to get away from some game and now it seems he will .
    I see him almost daily …most of the time I drive buy him acting crazy with my music on…I figure if I act crazy enough he will know to stay far away.
    He knows way too much about my neighbors…it’s very creepy

    I do miss him though and have no clue this summer once the orders are dropped what happens ….it’s just hurtful when someone u care about turns on u like this…all because I sent too many texts and said I was reporting him to his work… his attorney said to me well in one text you called him a loser .

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