The Ambivalent Mind

June 30, 2011

ambivalent : noun \am-ˈbi-və-lən(t)s:  simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action.

A perfect word to describe the push and pull of BPD.

Suicide Girls

June 29, 2011

 

Thank You Leah

June 25, 2011

Over the last year, I have received some pretty nasty comments from rape survivors who’ve read my blog. 100s to date. And even thought I understand where that anger is coming from, I do feel it is mostly misplaced anger.

As a result, it has added fuel to the fire. It has kept old wounds from healing. It has made me a less than pleasant person. I have allowed other people’s rage and abuse to become part of my own personality. I have allowed the actions of my borderline ex to taint the way I view those who remind me of her. And for this,  I bear my own shame.

So when I received a comment in my inbox from Leah aka BeBopaLuLa, I expected more of the same. But instead, I was pleasantly surprised. What Leah provided me was an apology and an acknowledgment of my pain. She gave me pause for thought. She graciously shared with me her story. She showed me that she is more human than I gave her credit for. And I am deeply sorry for that. I hope she will accept my humblest apology.

If it is ok with Leah, I would like to share her message. Because I would like my readers to know she is human as well:

Hi Savory Dish,

I’m not deleting anything out of shame. I was just doing my best not to engage you any further without having to delete my tumblr altogether. Of course I don’t want a stranger writing inflammatory things about my mental health on the internet!! I just turned around and deleted the posts that I thought would bother you because that is what I would want for myself. I have not commented up until this point, or contacted you in any way, because I thought that would be the best, most tactful thing to do. It didnt seem like anything i could say to you would be met well. It is clear though, that even without directly engaging you, you are still troubled by my presence and looking for something in my posts.

You are totally right. I made a big mistake in talking about your blog on my tumblr. I don’t know you, only what you post about, and that isn’t enough to judge you on. It seems like you went through a very painful experience and I do feel empathy towards you and badly for judging someone who is clearly still processing emotions and dealing with pain. So indeed, it was foolish, insensitive and mean of me to discuss your blog on my tumblr and I am sorry.

There are many grains of truth in your blog. I would never say it is “bullshit”. And at the end of the day, anything else is ultimately none of my business.

If you would like me to lay myself bare for you, so that you can stop drawing your own conclusions about me; I was raped a decade ago. I have been in therapy consistently ever since (except for periods between therapists, like when I’ve moved or when someone has left a practice) and also for many years before. I am in therapy right now, too (I have a particularly great therapist at the moment!). I have seen many different psychologists, psyhiatrists, therapists and counsellors, but I have never received a diagnosis for a personality disorder. I do have a learning disorder that went undiagnosed for some time and caused me troubles as a kid (and still does where school or work is concerned), I have trouble with anxiety, and yep! anger and depression. Being raped does make one angry and that anger dissipates over time and is assuaged through therapy and made sense of, but it does linger. There is no shame in any of this, and it is no secret to anyone who knows me well. I don’t talk about these things on my blog because I talk about them constantly in my personal life as they come up. And also because, despite what you may think, my life is going pretty well at the moment. You can read back even further in my tumblr to see me complain about feeling depressed, if you really want, though.

So there is an honest apology and admittance of seeking treatment for you. I hope that we can both just move past this and carry on with our lives.

PS: I was horrified by that story when it made the rounds on tumblr. Whether you can believe it or not, I can’t relate to people who find inspiration in stories of horrific violence, regardless of the motive.

PPSS I am indeed a feminist, but I don’t hate men! Also I am an only child so “too much attention” was more likely an issue.

Listen up, all you angry survivors: If you want to show me the error of my ways, this is how it’s done. Instead of posting my response in the comment section, I will post it here:

Dear Leah,

Thank you for finally reaching out. And thank you for your apology and acknowledging my pain. For the record, I never had any real ill will towards you. But I did make some pretty harsh evaluations about you. I was making an example of you. But in the process, I was unfair to you. For this, I hope you will accept my humblest apologies.

For the record, this will be my last post about you. I will respect your privacy. And I will do my best to delete any old posts that link to you. There’s enough content here without me using your blog as a reference. I shared this last message to hopefully right my wrongs. I would like for people to see this side of you. I found it touching. I hope others will too. But if you wish for me to delete this as well, all you need to do is say so.

We had a little bit of a misunderstanding there. But that is all water under the bridge. I feel, at the end of this exchange, I have learned a lot more about you and myself.

I am sorry that I have clumped you into a group of survivors for the sake of venting my own anger. Clearly not all survivors are the same. You have shown me this with your message of peace. I failed to acknowledge the hard work you have put into making a better life for yourself, and I’m sorry for that as well. I know how hard it must be to deal with something as horrible as rape. I’m sorry if I have belittled your pain or efforts to heal in any way.

I do like to think that your years of therapy made this particular exchange possible. It gives me hope that other rape survivors can move forward. I have a long history of loving people who were not ready to love me back. My anger comes from having people I loved with all my heart turn their back on me. This blog is my way of understanding something that is so hard to accept. But I am sorry if I have hurt you along the way.

I don’t know you well enough to judge you. But from what I have seen, you have carved out a pretty good life for yourself. You seem like a wonderfully creative and expressive person despite what has happened to you. And just between you and me, I like your style. I wish you the best. And if you ever feel like contributing to this blog, I invite you to do so. I would love to hear more of your insights.

Savory Dish

It’s not hard to find angry rape survivors on Tumblr. One of these angry rape survivors posted this story:

pull-up-the-people:

handgrenade2:

withouthopewelive:

kajal:

dingoatemybabycrazy:

hxcfairy:

alcoholicgifts | tinyfloralninja:

Trigger Warning for talk of Rape.
Damn, girl. Also “In a bid to save her dignity”? Really? How about “In a completely badass move, she avoided being raped by some bastard by chopping his goddamn head off”?

That’s some straight up “I wish a motherfucker would” shit right there.

Stories like this should be publicized. They should be spread around as much as possible so rapists or potential rapists, if they cannot be taught to hold a modicum of common decency or empathy for other human beings, will be deterred by fear. So they know, before they rape someone, that this person is not a weak, worthless piece of meat that they can use, so they know that so many women are sick of going to authorities that so often don’t do anything, of covering up what happened to them out of shame, of people telling them that for whatever reason, this attack was their own fault, of living in fear of people who think that it’s ok to rape. Rapists should know about this story, the story of the woman in Bangladesh who cut off the penis of a man who tried to rape her, and the story of a woman in Spain who killed her daughter’s rapist by lighting him on fire—after he came back to his hometown after spending nine years in jail and taunted her in public about raping her thirteen-year-old daughter. Before a rapist forces himself (although not all are men) on someone, he should remember that this person might be the woman in Lucknow or Bangladesh, or have a mother like the woman in Spain. They should be afraid of us, not us of them.

That lady is a badass.

I applaud this ladyRapist need to face the consequences of their decisions and actions of violating others; even if the consequences are this extreme.

Holy fuck, that is badass. Oh my fuck. I’m verklempt…

And here are a few of the reactions:

handgrenade2

withouthopewelive

kajal

dingoatemybabycrazy

hxcfairy

alcoholicgifts

tinyfloralninja

Trigger Warning for talk of Rape.

Damn, girl. Also “In a bid to save her dignity”? Really? How about “In a completely badass move, she avoided being raped by some bastard by chopping his goddamn head off”?

That’s some straight up “I wish a motherfucker would” shit right there.

Stories like this should be publicized. They should be spread around as much as possible so rapists or potential rapists, if they cannot be taught to hold a modicum of common decency or empathy for other human beings, will be deterred by fear. So they know, before they rape someone, that this person is not a weak, worthless piece of meat that they can use, so they know that so many women are sick of going to authorities that so often don’t do anything, of covering up what happened to them out of shame, of people telling them that for whatever reason, this attack was their own fault, of living in fear of people who think that it’s ok to rape.

Rapists should know about this story, the story of the woman in Bangladesh who cut off the penis of a man who tried to rape her, and the story of a woman in Spain who killed her daughter’s rapist by lighting him on fire—after he came back to his hometown after spending nine years in jail and taunted her in public about raping her thirteen-year-old daughter. Before a rapist forces himself (although not all are men) on someone, he should remember that this person might be the woman in Lucknow or Bangladesh, or have a mother like the woman in Spain. They should be afraid of us, not us of them.

That lady is a badass.

I applaud this lady
Rapist need to face the consequences of their decisions and actions of violating others; even if the consequences are this extreme.

Holy fuck, that is badass. Oh my fuck. I’m verklempt…

In the heart of many angry rape survivors is a revenge fantasy just like this one.  A normal healthy individual would have reacted with shock and horror to both the attempted rape and the beheading. The reaction above (the murderous glee) is the reaction of an untreated rape survivor gone wild. It is also the type of reaction associated with borderline personalities. The two combined stirs up an extraordinary amount of rage. Rape is a horrible crime, but murder is not the solution.

Yes, you could say this is just the ignorance of youth. But BPD usually hits its peak around this age. One could also say this is just harmless fantasy role-playing. But they fail to see the implications of such fantasies. When an emotionally damaged/unstable person entertains such fantasies over and over again, they are mentally rehearsing these violent scenarios in their head. Remember Lorena Bobbit? Think about how many times she fantasized about cutting off her husband’s penis. This goes beyond harmless misandry. This is more than just an internet joke. This is emotional trauma showing us its true colors.

When a woman has been sexually assaulted by a man, it creates an uncontrollable rage. Rage that can turn violent. Rage that can be misdirected. This rage can be turned upon anyone who triggers past memories. When you are this damaged, even intimacy can trigger rage.

I was not surprised to learn that Casey Anthony might have experienced incest. This is a woman who is so damaged, she believes her own lies. What kind of monster would murder her own child? A monster preyed upon by another monster.

This is a cycle. One damaged person damaging another person. Until it finally ends in unspeakable tragedy. These are patterns that repeat itself over and over again. But for some reason, we as a society turn a blind eye to it. These topics are unpleasant for sure, but one can argue that the climactic results of ignoring such patterns are even more unpleasant. The trick is to catch the disease before it festers. Before it is spread from one person to another.

The shootings in Arizona should be a reminder of what can happen when we ignore the signs of trauma. These damaged souls may seem fine in public. They may seem shy, quiet, and harmless. They bottle up their pain. They suppress their anger and sadness. But what kind of rage are they entertaining when no one is looking? Just read the quotes above to answer that.

The natural reaction is to ostracize these people. To ignore them, because they frighten us. But this is the worst thing society can do. Because a problem, that is ignored, grows until it comes to its shocking conclusion.

These people need help. If you know someone like this, it is your obligation to make sure they get that help. They will not seek it out on their own, because denial is how they have coped with the pain of trauma. Sticking our head in the sand is not the solution. It is part of the problem.

Alcohol and dumbasses don’t mix. When you mix the two together, this is what you get. Some people can handle their alcohol. Clearly, others can’t. You can guess what kind of upbringing and parents these children of chaos had. These are people who grew up without boundaries. They grew up in families with a long history of alcoholism. These people should not be allowed to consume alcohol. Ever.

When drinking is used an excuse to behave badly that is the first sign of alcohol abuse. These are rarely isolated incidents. These people are using alcohol to cover up the pain of the past. I’m sure they did get caught up in the emotions of the day, but so did a lot of other people who didn’t set their city ablaze.

They have identified themselves as true assholes. These people have embarrassed themselves, their loved ones and their city. The connection between alcohol abuse and personality disorders is real.

Robert Reich breaks down what went wrong with the economy with a sharpie and 2 minutes.

Who is Robert Reich? Let’s turn to Wiki:

Robert Bernard Reich (play/ˈrʃ/;[1] born June 24, 1946) is an American political economist, professor, author, and political commentator. He served in three national administrations, including that of Presidents Ford, Carter, and as Secretary of Labor under PresidentBill Clinton, from 1993 to 1997.

Reich is currently Chancellor’s Professor of Public Policy at the Goldman School of Public Policy at the University of California, Berkeley. He was formerly a professor at Harvard University‘s School of Government and professor of “Social and Economic Policy” at Brandeis University. He has also been a contributing editor of The New Republic, The American Prospect (also chairman and founding editor,) Harvard Business Review, The Atlantic, New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal.

In other words, he knows what he’s talking about.

 

 

Outing a Weiner

June 12, 2011

Things seem to be getting worse for Anthony Weiner. And it’s hard to say he doesn’t deserve it. He’s been a bad boy. But being outed might have been the best thing that ever happened to him. Had he not been outed, he might have continued his escapades. He might have gone on with his double life and his self-destructive ways.

If we’ve learned anything, it’s that disordered people are not always easy to spot. A narcissist is particularly good at hiding their dysfunction. But eventually it all catches up to you. Anthony Weiner has hit rock bottom. He is about to lose his family and his career. But he is seeking treatment. Some might say it’s a little bit late. But better late than never. When a person is living a delusional/narcissistic fantasy, it is almost impossible for them to accept that they need help. Hitting rock bottom forces them to address issues they would have otherwise ignored.

I have to admit that sometimes I feel bad for calling out troubled people. But these are people who are asking for it.  They are screaming for attention. True, I may be feeding their disease but I am also calling attention to their disease. To me, ignoring it is not an option. These are people who act in wildly unacceptable and irresponsible ways. They hurt people and then act like nothing happened. Somebody has to say something.

Unfortunately, these are the kind of people who don’t respond to gentle persuasion. They need to be hit by a Mack truck before they get it. Some have said this blog is excessive. The truth is it probably isn’t enough.

You Are Ridiculous

June 11, 2011

In the last post, I was visited by a commenter who goes by the name “You Are Ridiculous”. Ironically, her first comment was a bit ridiculous, a bit of a rage fest. It seems she was upset by comments made about her fellow Tumblrites. But after a good talk, she has toned down the rhetoric. Since she has made an effort to play nice, I’ve decided to address her concerns. Since her comments are lengthy, I have also decided it would be best to post my response here:

@ You Are Ridiculous

I’ll do my best to address all your points but I may not address them all because quite frankly it’s the same points that every angry feminist makes when they leave a comment here. And even I get tired of repeating myself.

Let’s start with your explanation:

Let me explain myself a little — at one point in my life I had a very close female friend who I now very much suspect was/is BP… Obviously not quite the same effect as being in a romantic situation with one of these individuals, but I am totally aware of the damage someone with this disorder can wreak when you’ve formed a genuine attachment to them (and of course, a most “intense” friendship). I can totally understand and even appreciate the need for a means of support (and a community) for those left in the wake of such an individual’s lovely “whims” and behavior, and a place to further analyze this type of personality and its presence in our society in a larger sense.

I appreciate this little bit of acknowledgment. But you are very right. Having a friend who is BP is nothing like being in a co-dependent relationship with a borderline. Had this been your only comment, I would have accepted it as genuine concern for my well-being. Unfortunately, you went on to belittle my experience. You segued from being concerned to being dismissive. You followed the above comment with this:

But there comes a point, I think, where you have to “let it go” — you pick yourself up and you’ve learned to not let yourself get close to a person like this again

Communication 101: when you follow a sentiment with “But…”, you basically negate everything you said prior to the “But…”. With all due respect, you don’t know me well enough to be concerned for my well-being. Padding your criticisms with feigned concern is not only disingenuous, it’s manipulative. I’ve known enough manipulative people in my lifetime to know bullshit when I smell it. So please save the song and dance act for someone else. It insults my intelligence as well as yours.

You are no different than the 100 other angry commenters who came here trying to shut down this blog with your indignation. I appreciate the fact that you made efforts to soften your tone of voice, but the intent remains the same. Your initial outburst, while unruly and irrational was probably your most honest response. Basically, you don’t like what I have to say, and you wish me to cease and desist. The truth is you don’t really care about what I went through. You only care about how you feel after reading this blog.

Contrary to what you assumed, this blog has only been up for a year or so. And only since last summer, did I really put any focus on talking about BPD. Psychology has always been an interest of mine, but this marks the first time I have ever publicly talked about my experiences through the filter of personality disorders. You call it an obsession. I call it making sense of my life.

But even if it was an obsession, you of all people should understand obsessions. You seem to have an obsession with the idea of misogyny and victimization. Just as others like you have an obsession with “rape culture” and the ever popular notion of the “Patriarchy”. We all have our own personal demons. Some people choose to blame Liberals or Conservatives for ruining the world. Others choose to blame the Man or an Oppressive Force of some kind. I have chosen to put my focus on Abusive Personalities, Silent Abusers in particular. I have observed that most of my problems have stemmed from my exposure to such people. Throughout my whole life, I have remained silent about this experience. And I have only decided just this year to break the silence.

So while you may find my “vent fest” to be offensive. I have found it to be liberating and enlightening. Had it not been for this blog, I might still be in the dark about such things. I might still be going from one abusive relationship to another. This blog and the contents within have liberated me from my borderline ex and relationships just like it. It is my attempt to stop the downward cycle.

What you fail to understand (and you are not alone) is Borderlines have a magical hold on their co-dependent partners. These relationships are held together by an addiction. You would never tell a cocaine addict to “just get over it” so why would you tell a person who is addicted to codependent relationships to just get over it?

Such careless comments completely demeans their hardships and their struggles. Such recovery takes a lengthy period of introspection, re-education and re-conditioning. It took a lifetime to pick up these bad habits, and now it will take the rest of my life to unlearn them. This is how I have taken responsibility for my own well-being. This is something I have been able to do quite well without the helpful suggestions or feigned concern provided by the likes of you.

This blog has helped me see the light. It has effectively showed me the error of my ways. Had it not been for my efforts here, I would still be emotionally distraught and lost. So while you are convinced that this blog is pure evil. For those, like myself, it serves as a guide for a better life. What you see as obsession, I see as a commitment to stay on track. What you see as an attack on fellow Tumblrites, I see as self-defense and raising awareness about victims turned silent abusers.

Since this blog has dedicated itself to such things, I have noticed two kinds of commenters. Those who get it and those who don’t. Those Who Get It don’t have to imagine what it was like to be in a relationship with a borderline, because they went through it. To them, these posts are a cathartic acknowledgment of their pain. Pain that the rest of the world doesn’t understand (ie. Those Who Don’t Get It)

Those Who Don’t Get It judge and belittle, because it provides a sense of superiority and control they do not enjoy in the real world. Condescending remarks directed at some other unfortunate soul acts to inflate a suffering ego.Their feigned concern is a narcissistic act. Posing as Mother Theresa, when really they are looking for a fight.

You reacted the way you did because something written here triggered feelings of inadequacy. That’s me serving you the truth. I will not feign concern but I will suggest that maybe you examine what is it in YOU that makes YOU feel inadequate when YOU read the posts here. I nor this blog can make you feel something you don’t already feel. Your rant is not about ME, it’s about YOU.

I’m sorry if you feel I am being a tad misogynistic. Unfortunately for you, my experiences with BPD have been with borderline women. That is not through any choice of mine. So you and your angry feminist friends are shit out of luck. If it’s any consolation, I believe the majority of women are good-hearted and kind, unfortunately I have a penchant for crazy bitches. The good news is I am committed to changing that fact. Thus this blog.

If you feel I have targeted you and your friends for no good reason, then I suggest you re-evaluate yourself and your friends. This was not an arbitrary selection process. Your friends targeted me. I have only engaged them after they brought themselves to my attention. I followed the links to their site after they sent proxies to mine. So please do not paint yourselves as victims. That is also manipulative. This is exactly the type of behavior that leads others to believe you and your friends are troubled souls.

My hope is that, through awareness, these troubled souls will seek help and end the cycle of abuse and victimization. Only then will you see a disappearance of blogs like this one. Badgering me only adds fuel to the fire. It is evidence of abusive personalities and their active campaign to silence the discussion about personality disorders. Such badgering does indeed have an affect on my decision. Just not the effect that you were hoping for. Hostility begets more hostility. This blog means to teach troubled souls that antagonizing others (whether you mean to or not) can only bring them more misery.

I hope that answers most of your points. If not, feel free to respond. This blog will continue its course for as long as I deem necessary. Your concerns have been noted. But they are your concerns, not mine. This blog serves my needs, not yours. If you dislike it, I suggest you stop reading it until such time you can read such things and not feel bad about yourself. Good luck to you as you tackle your own problems.

Conservative or Liberal, you have to agree Anne Coulter is one angry bitch. I saw her interview with Piers Morgan. Not only was she obnoxious, she couldn’t stop talking about her book.

My god that woman is abrasive. I have to say Piers earned some points with me when he started asking her personal questions about her life. All of a sudden she got really awkward and defensive. She said she doesn’t talk about her personal life because she’s afraid of stalkers. Where have I seen this sort of self-victimization before?

There’s a reason why she talks about public issues and not her own issues. And it’s not because of stalkers or other imagined boogie men. The pained expression on her face says it all. When someone is this uptight, it’s because they are trying really hard to control their emotions. When they have a history of demonizing people, it’s because they are dealing with demons from their past.

What I see is a woman who is compensating for an inferiority complex via self-aggrandizement. A woman who is running away from a dark past, turbulent relationships and all the other things we’ve come to associate with narcissistic/borderline types. We’ve seen this pattern of behavior in liberal grandstanders as well. This has nothing to do with political affiliations.

I think Rosie O’Donnell nailed it when she had this to say about her:

She’s angry if you ask me. She’s full of rage. When you see someone like that, you have to go back to what happened in their childhood… You don’t know what went on in their household.

Good insight Rosie. I’d add that when someone is trying that hard to get people’s attention, there are usually some serious self-esteem issues. And this almost always points to some childhood abuse. This is not just women, you see it with other political extremists like Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Rush “Oxcontin” Limbaugh.

When a cheater is confronted, they lie. They cover up their tracks with absurd stories. But when they’re busted, they cry. Not real tears. The kind for show. They want you to believe they are “deeply sorry”. But this is just another act. This is how you know you are dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists love the political stage, because they love to grandstand. They love to feel important. But mostly they love themselves. Which means they have little love for those around them.

But it’s not just men who think with their… weiner. My borderline ex knows a lot about cheating. She is a cheater just like Weiner. And yes, sexting is cheating. If you have to hide your behavior, it’s cheating. Cheaters want you to believe their acts of indiscretion are isolated incidents, but the truth will reveal that this is a pattern of behavior. Most likely their parents were cheaters. People don’t just wake up one day and decide they’re going to be cheaters. This misbehavior is ingrained in them from a young age. It should not surprise you that there were multiple women involved with Weiner-gate.

Anthony Weiner should have known better. But when you are conditioned for bad behavior, intelligence is thrown out the window. This behavior suggest a serious personality disorder. If you can’t control your impulses, then you have a serious problem. When your behavior is so destructive it destroys your career and your family, that is a red alert.

Maybe we can all learn from the Congressman’s mistakes. He has taken the first step to recovery. He’s come clean. Admitting your mistakes is the first step to clearing your conscience. But with narcissists, everything is for show. Even a show of remorse. As a narcissist, the possibility of change is slim to none.