Avoiding Abandonment

May 29, 2011

Borderlines who have a history of ending their relationships abruptly, will most likely deny having a fear of intimacy/abandonment. Since they are the breaker-upper, they are more than happy to see their partners go. But this is the borderline fooling themselves into believing they are completely in control.

What they fail to realize is there is a reason why they devalue their partners. The cliche “it’s me, not you” really applies here. They fail to see that prior to the devaluation, everything was going fine. But when things go too well… when they become more vulnerable… that’s when the borderline starts throwing a wrench into the works.

Whether they are aware of it or not, the more attached they become to someone, the more they fear losing them. This causes the borderline to feel trapped and suffocated. They are drowning in fear and insecurity. It will end with the borderline becoming inexplicably hostile, ruthlessly cutting off the partner they once couldn’t get enough of.

6 Responses to “Avoiding Abandonment”

  1. savorydish said

    Common sense would dictate that anyone who has been traumatized as a child will have trouble with intimacy as an adult. But the more traumatized they are, the more likely they are to stay in denial.

    Instead they blame their partners when a relationship fails. And then jump into another one, hoping to find the One.

    Survivors of trauma have a tendency to engage in flights of fancy. One of them being the illusion that a well-chosen partner will heal a lifetime’s worth of trauma. This is why the borderline is so often disillusioned after every relationship.

    As long as they maintain this belief that happiness must come from an outside source or from the world changing, they will continue to be disappointed with reality.

  2. Hilary said

    Hi, I was wondering if you had an email I could use to ask you some questions I do not feel comfortable posting? I didn’t see one on the site.

  3. Hilary said

    thank you

  4. savorydish said

    The irony is those who fear abandonment will unconsciously push people away, thus confirming their worst fears.

    They will rush into relationships/marriages hoping to force love, when it only freaks people out. And when their partner resists the forced-love, they interpret it as a threat, a slight against their fragile ego.

    Then the person who fears abandonment fulfills his/her own prophecy by making the final break. The change of heart is so dramatic it leaves abandoned partners literally in a state of shock. The borderline has beat you to the punch. A borderline must always be the one in control. A borderline always has an exit strategy to avoid heart-break. Better you than them.

  5. devoted said

    Please let me know of an email address at which I can ask you questions that I don’t want to post here.

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