The Douchebag and The Princess

May 27, 2011

If you want to know what a woman with BPD sounds like, read the following Tumblr post:

When I was 16 or so, I had a crush on a boy who was a complete douchebag. He was one of those guys who dresses up his intrinsic belief that women are inferior in a lovely Misogynist Coat of Many Colours: chivalry, slut-shaming, creepy over-protectiveness, wanting to treat girls like ‘princesses’. You know the type.

I knew he was an asshole even when I was into him, so I memorized this poem.

Does this woman sound like a princess to you? What kind of woman hates being treated like a princess? A woman who has been abused her whole life. Since borderlines often speak in code, let me translate for you.

It is possible that this guy was a douchebag. After all, BPD women have a thing for douchebags, bad boys, Judases, etc. But the douchebags I know don’t waste their time with chivalry/wanting to treat girls like princesses. The bad boys I know get girls drunk, have sex with them and then “accidentally” lose their number.

They don’t open doors for women or treat them with respect.  They sleep with your best friend. The bad boy doesn’t know how to treat a woman like a princess because he too came from an abusive family. Bad Boys treat women like they are objects, not princesses . But for someone with low-self esteem and a history of abuse, this is an aphrodisiac.

In other words, her story does not quite ring true. But then again BPs are also known for spinning stories. They are known for creating their own distorted reality. The truth is a relationship with a douchebag usually never progresses further than casual sex. And if it does progress, he’s too busy getting drunk and cheating on her to engage in acts of chivalry. There is no place for love poems or school girl crushes. No, this sounds like a guy who she actually had feelings for.

BP women are sexually attracted to bad boys because it mimics their past (most likely sexual abuse). These relationships are effortless and carefree because they are entirely superficial. A borderline woman wouldn’t care enough about douchebag to label him a douchebag. These relationships are devoid of deep emotions. She might chase after him as he sneaks out the back door. But this is a knee-jerk reaction that has nothing to do with love. Real douchebags leave before the BP has time to devalue him.

Ah but when they meet a Prince, that’s a different story. This kind of relationship is a much more dangerous proposition for someone who fears intimacy. All of a sudden, more is at stake. If this person were to leave, she might feel rejected, maybe even abandoned. When a person like this leaves, feelings are hurt. For an overly-sensitive borderline this means unimaginable pain. The kind that makes you lash out at a person who you once loved with all your might. You might even label this person a “misogynist” or a “douchebag” just to ease the pain. This is called devaluation.

But devaluation is always proceeded by idealization. If this boy was playing the knight in shining armor, then someone must have been playing the damsel in distress. It takes two to tango. If he was over-protective it was most likely because she was constantly putting herself in peril. This is the beginnings of a classic co-dependent relationship a la BPD. The typical asshole/douchebag does not have time for this nonsense/drama. He’s in and he’s out.

No, the person who is duped by this co-dependent act is usually Mr. Nice Guy.  The guy who’s in it for the long haul. The guy who foolishly believes true love can conquer dysfunctional behavior. But Mr. Nice Guy’s is also sensitive. He has to be to understand the borderline’s pain. Only he can see her beauty behind the stone walls she puts up.

Suddenly the princess falls in love. Suddenly she feels things she has never felt before. This causes a borderline to freak out. She will either push him away or try to pull him in. She might put herself in more peril to call her Prince into action, to make sure he doesn’t abandon her. But this doubles as self-sabotage. Because now the Prince is wondering why this Princess is always in trouble. She is quite literally a trouble maker.

Even for the most dedicated Prince this can be too much. Doubt creeps into his mind. A borderline princess can sense when a lover is distancing himself. Suddenly, the Princess’ worst nightmare has come true. She fears abandonment, so she reacts by putting up the stone walls again. She might even throw stones at him to scare him off. Yes, borderlines will break your heart before you have a chance to break theirs.

So what version of the story sounds more accurate? Which version sounds like fiction? And which one sounds like fact? You be the judge. It’s hard to tell who the real douchebag is when you’re dealing with a silent abuser who uses false accusations as a weapon. But all you have to do is look at a person’s track record. Who has a history of manipulating people and the truth? We’re talking about people who can’t deal with the way the world really is so they revise it to their liking. This is someone who has been severely traumatized. To them, fairy-tales are comforting and the truth is painful.

13 Responses to “The Douchebag and The Princess”

  1. savorydish said

    Misandrists have this theory that all men and society-at-large are misogynists. But if you trace that anger you will it see it originates from self-hatred.

    You will find that many of these women suffer from remarkably low self-esteem. You will see a pattern of turbulent relationships (w/both men and women) starting with their family.

    Everybody is a douchebag. Everybody is crazy except them. Everybody is conspiring to get them. It turns out the most rabid misogynists are the women who hate being women.

    • savorydish said

      Beware of women who secretly hate men. Such women will have a history of using and abusing them, especially intimate partners. The more emotional attachment, the more likely they are to use and abuse them. It doesn’t make sense to healthy individuals, but that is evidence that these people are not mentally healthy. They are emotionally damaged and have no problem spreading their pain onto others.

  2. savorydish said

    What’s scary is a borderline lover can act like you are their soul mate for months, and then all of a sudden run away from you like you’re a zombie. Then come back and crawl up to you for comfort days later like nothing happened. And then run away again.One minute you are their savior, the next you’re a crazy douchebag.This is why partners of borderlines are literally driven crazy.

  3. savorydish said

    I find that Tumblr is a really useful tool in understanding trauma related disorders especially when it manifests in self-victimization.

    The Tumblr link above belongs to a woman who has clearly been victimized/raped at one point in her life. Is it a coincidence that many of these women turn vegetarian, lesbian and feminist? Nothing is a coincidence.

    I will eventually dedicate an entire post to this topic, but here’s a sneak peak at the personality of someone who has been traumatized.

    • Sam J said

      To level and assign feminism and lesbianism indirectly as a potential outcome of abuse and/or a mental health issue is not only ignorant but also a revelation as to your credibility. Advice from an actual professional in the field: please seek therapy.

      • savorydish said

        I think the number of feminists who have a history of sexual abuse and mental illness would prove you wrong. But if you have a valid argument, make it. Insulting me doesn’t make you right. It just makes you less of a professional.

      • savorydish said

        It’s amazing how many people claim to be mental health professionals but fail to show any understanding of the topic. Fail.

      • Jacques said

        And yet, BPD sites are disproportionately rife with stories about women, bi-women, and lesbians than men. Women, gay women in particular seem more prone to it. That needs looking into.

  4. Ed said

    I’m quickly falling for a girl whom I strongly believe has BPD. All of the symptoms are there, though I’ve never seen her rage in anger (she’s more the silent Waif type, lonely, looking to be rescued). She’s VERY childish, secretive, highly intelligent, manipulative, and has oozes of charm. I’m speechless and become “frozen” around her, just the way she makes me feel, as if she possessed something I lost a long time ago. We’re only friends for now, but she knows I like her and I think it’s only a matter of time…
    I’m leaving my current 2-year long relationship partly, though not entirely, because of her.
    I’m familiar with BPD because 3 years ago I fell for a BPD woman. The relationship lasted only a few months but the pain afterwards was intense and lasted almost a year.
    I keep thinking that the way she makes me feel, this deep intense vibration inside me, is more important that her BPD or the pain of another eventual break-up.

    • savorydish said

      I can only say this because I’ve been there before. But I know too much now to do this to myself and so do you. You know this woman is trouble so why even put yourself in this situation? You are in her gravitational pull and if you don’t break ties with this woman, you will put yourself into emotional harm again. Do yourself a favor and move on.

      Suggest she get help and then tell her you can no longer be friends with her. It sounds harsh but you will be doing her a HUGE favor. And you will do yourself an even bigger one. Do NOT repeat the cycle. She is not raging right now because you are only friends.

      Once the intimacy dial is turned up, you will see the dark side. She is only in the courtship phase right now, so she is on her best behavior. Don’t fall for this act again, Ed. Read this blog to remind yourself what heartache means. Good luck and stay strong.

  5. Shining Knight said

    Savorydish is right.

    While I was in the “friendzone” with a BPD on and off for almost 18mths, I only saw a glimmer of her rage/mood swings.
    I went NC, because I had no intention of being her casual friend,exclusively on her terms. Besides, I was crushing on her and didn’t want to waste my time with someone who “just wanted to be friends”.

    I felt this huge connection to her and was frustrated that I/we couldn’t move the relationship forward. So I threw in the towel.

    After six months of NC, she comes storming back into my life. Makes out with me on the first date…We had never even kissed before and suddenly we are having the relationship I had always hoped for….She says wants to be my girl-friend but isn’t quite ready to introduce me to her parents yet..

    After two weeks of flirty texts (20-30 a day), she starts misinterpreting/twisting/criticizing my texts, phone calls, and conversations…
    I start feeling a knot tighten in my stomach as I am spending more time defending/clarifying myself…

    In our fourth week of “dating” (and second time I actually see her), I pick her up in my car to drive her to the beach. She jumps into the car with a long-face and blasts her iPod through my stereo. After about 30 mins of this, I try to engage her in a conversation. She laughs and says she can’t hear me… and turns the stereo louder.

    A flicker of frustration flashes across my face and she EXPLODES into a rage…slamming forward in her seat and slaps her hand on my dashboard then slams back into her seat screaming, “Oh my F***ing god…You have to be F***ing kidding me”.

    Her reaction was so disproportionate to the situation, so overwhelming, it was scary. Her face twisted into pure distorted rage…I didn’t recognize her. Then I was subjected to 45 mins of pouting, snarly, silent treatment.

    Later that night, all was forgotten and she wanted a passionate kiss good-night.
    Needless to say, that was the beginning of the end for me…

    After 8 weeks of “dating” and living in a fun-house of altered reality, (there are so many more stories) I told her I couldn’t continue to invest in our relationship.

    That was three months ago and I’m only now starting to feel normal again.

    Oh, she is in her 40’s… This isn’t some immature woman in her 20’s.

    Ed, Run away…don’t look back…
    I’ve wasted soooo much time, emotional, and psychic energy on this woman…
    Find a woman who is solid on her own two feet…
    Who doesn’t need “fixing”…
    Who looks forward to being with you…
    It’s refreshing…

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