Asking for It

May 4, 2011

I am speaking about untreated borderlines and their talent for getting themselves into trouble. Once again, I use my dear borderline ex to illustrate my point. It was about a year ago that things had gone south for us. The night that I confronted her about the guy she had been secretly texting was the night the proverbial shit hit the fan.

I had caught her cheating before, but now she was being more brazen about it. As if to challenge me to say something. I did. And that was all the excuse she needed to unleash her inner bitch. This type of baiting is particularly useful when a borderline is looking for an excuse to sabotage a relationship, because the blood is on your hands. And they can accuse you of instigating the fight.

She accused me of being controlling and jealous, because I had the audacity to challenge her shady intentions. This is how a borderline manipulates you into thinking it was all your fault. Most of our fights would pass over after a few hours, but this was a big fight. And it would be our last. Things got so heated, she walked out on our fight. “Where are you going?”, I asked. “I need to take a walk.”, she said. “It’s late. You shouldn’t walk around by yourself”, I responded. “I’ll be fine!”, she barked.

It wasn’t the safest neighborhood in the world. And even though I was mad at her, I was still concerned about her safety. This was not the first time I had expressed concern over her safety. She was a student and she often took the bus at night after class.

In the short time I had known her, she had demonstrated a certain naivete that made her more vulnerable to victimization. She often left her purse sitting around at nightclubs. It never occurred to her that someone might snatch it. She also naturally gravitated towards people who were a little shady. She was a stubborn woman, and so she insisted on taking a walk. Again, she accused me of being controlling because I had expressed concern for her safety. What an asshole I must have been.

Nothing happened that night. But she was so upset at me for questioning her motives and her secret relationship, she kicked me out of her apartment. As I said, she was looking for reasons to sabotage the relationship. Even if those reasons were totally absurd and irrational. She was looking for reasons to justify her infidelity. She knew this would be the straw that would break the camel’s back, so she had to make a good case for betrayal.

We made up the next day. But two days later, she was mugged. Despite all my warnings, she had taken the bus late at night again. But this time fate caught up with her. As usual, she was oblivious to the dangers around her.  Obviously, the mugging had shaken her and she was distraught. But I wasn’t around to comfort her. I was so stressed out by our fight the other night, I decided to go out without her. She was upset that I wasn’t there for her, and decided to stay the night with the guy she had been texting. Being the shady person that she is, she kept this a secret from me.

I wouldn’t find out she had been mugged till the next morning. In typical fashion, she had decided not to press charges against her muggers, so instead she decided to unleash her hostility towards me. She made some bizarre claim that she could no longer trust me anymore (as if I was the one who mugged her… as if I was the one who cheated on her). This is how she ended the relationship,  projecting her guilt onto me.

Never mind that I was the one who warned her about getting mugged. It was now my fault that she had suffered this crime. She even got upset when I suggested she should press charges. Claiming that I was being insensitive to her feelings. I found it amusing that she would accuse me of not being trustworthy, because I later found out about her acts of infidelity. This, of course, was another case of projection. A borderline who feels guilt projects blame onto their partner. False accusations are used to cover up their own feelings of shame. Illusionists call this misdirection. It is meant to take the focus of the guilty party. This break-up was one big cover-up.

Where once she was careless, she was now hyper-vigilant… even paranoid about getting mugged again. This dramatic shift from being careless to being hyper-vigilant is very common amongst survivors and borderlines. They get themselves into trouble all the time because of their carelessness and then they blame the world for victimizing them. This is a person who is too comfortable playing the victim. This is a person who finds power in martyrdom and attention with sympathy.

This mugging was yet another tragedy in a life filled with endless tragedy. She had been traumatized her whole life, and this mugging would re-open old wounds. As usual, I was used as the scapegoat for her pain. But like all her tragedies, this one could have been prevented. Dangerous people do wear signs around their necks. But arrested development makes it hard to read such signs.

It’s ironic because in some cases their hyper-sensitivity warns them at the slightest hint of danger. Sadly, it is not until they are victimized that they become vigilant. And then they become overly vigilant. My ex use to accuse random strangers of being rapists, because something about them seemed all too familiar. But this is the inconsistency you will find with someone who is emotionally unstable. Emotions are very important in alerting a person to danger. When you can not control your emotions, it’s like having a faulty electrical fence. Sometimes you zap the wrong people and, other times, you let the wrong people in.

BPD makes smart people do stupid things. That is the effect of someone who is not in control of their senses or their life. This mugging was a result of her self-destructive tendencies. She allowed the mugging to happen. An emotionally healthy person would have been nervous about taking the bus late at night in a bad neighborhood. A borderline ignores danger until they are traumatized, and then they become a nervous wreck. It sounds absurd because it is. Remember, this is a person who thought cutting her wrists was a solution for emotional relief.

Also remember, she grew up with abusive personalities and shady individuals. There is a reason why borderlines are often victimized at an early age. Shady people have always been a part of her life. In a sense, she is asking for it, because this is what is familiar to her. She doesn’t know how to ask for healthy relationships. She doesn’t know how to ask for help. She expects bad things to happen to her. These tragedies are self-fulfilling prophecies. An untreated borderline is a natural born troublemaker. And if you’re not careful, a borderline will pull you down with them.

She could have chosen a life that was peaceful, but peacefulness is boring for a person whose life has been filled with drama. A peaceful life makes them feel suffocated and trapped. It’s too predictable. They need the adrenaline rush that comes with conflict and chaos. Hurting loved ones is an unpleasant side-effect. But one they are willing to overlook.

Sometimes I wonder if my tragic ex broke up with me because she could no longer bear the guilt of tormenting me. She knew what she was doing. She even admitted that her periods of sanity were all an act. Despite the false accusations, the denial and the deceit, she knew what she was doing. Did she set me free because she could no longer bear the weight of responsibility? Or was discarding me just another destructive act? These are the questions that remain unanswered.

2 Responses to “Asking for It”

  1. savorydish said

    The Law of Attraction states that you get what you ask for. Your focus in life determines your outcome. A person who is obsessed with victimization is repeatedly victimized. A person who believes that we live in a “rape culture” is creating a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled. This is a person who is stuck in a pattern of self-destructive behavior. One that includes abusing those who don’t deserve to be abused and attracting people who will eventually abuse them.

  2. savorydish said

    Chaos Manufacture – Chaos Manufacture is the practice of unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.

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