Dear Shady,

How’s the treatment going? I assume you’re in treatment, because you made it clear to everyone that you have been victimized your whole life. And that, of course, would mean you have been traumatized, causing all sorts of behavioral problems for you and your loved ones.

I noticed you got into a bit of a scuffle with an 18yr old today. You really showed her who’s boss. And while I don’t agree with her puritanical views, I wonder if this type of conflict is healthy for you? It has occurred to me that your ego is very very fragile. And while putting down an 18 yr old might feel good for the moment, I wonder if it has long-term implications. It means you are still addicted to chaos and conflict. It means your online ego is more important than your mental health.

I realize you fancy yourself a social activist of sorts. But some people might get the impression that you are just a cyber-bully looking for your next fight. Could this holier-than-thou persona just be a cover for someone who suffers from extreme narcissism? Aren’t you just compensating for a battered ego? Or maybe you’re trying to fix the world, because it’s easier to take on an impossible task than to fix yourself.

I realize you have a lot of power and control over young and uninformed minds. And that is certainly impressive. But wouldn’t your notoriety be better used as an example for troubled souls across the blogosphere? I see Garland has taken steps towards self-improvement. I have too. Maybe you could take that journey with us.

I know it’s hard to be self-reflective because you may not like what you see. But if you really want to save the world, let’s start with you. Let’s imagine a new kind of feminism. One that embraces self-awareness. And who knows? Maybe a few troubled souls will be inspired by your example. Show them that there is life after victimhood. Show them that personal responsibility is better than lashing out at the world. Show them that personal change is the best kind of activism. Forget about 18 yr old Miley. Let’s talk about you. The real you.

Isn’t it time that you stepped away from that internet persona of yours (aka your security blanket)? I know it’s scary. It’s easy to act tough behind a computer monitor. But we all know this is an act, a facade. A fake persona with a fake name. I would like to see a new Shady. A kinder, gentler Shady. That would be the most courageous act of all.

NYPD Blues

May 31, 2011

Recently, two NYC cops were acquitted of raping an intoxicated woman. The jury felt they did not have enough evidence to convict. There were holes in both versions of the story. The cops were instead charged with misconduct and subsequently fired from the police force. So why was there so much doubt in this case? Alcohol. It was the main reason why the details were so fuzzy. And any time alcohol and questionable behavior are present, it sends up the red flag for some sort of personality disorder. This red flag is seen in the cops as well as their alleged victim.

Even if he didn’t rape the woman, the police officer’s behavior is disturbing to say the least. But so much attention has been placed on him, almost nothing is known about the accuser. Her behavior is just as questionable. How do we know she’s innocent? Did she really flirt with the officer? Are there signs they are both struggling with alcoholism? Does she show signs of a personality disorder? Because this is just the type of thing that happens to people stuggling with alcoholism and PDs. Inappropriate behavior and a lack of boundaries is quite common with these people. Nobody wants to hear this but alcoholics put themselves in compromising situations all the time.

In the security video, she was seen stumbling into the building with the officers. So she wasn’t totally out of it. Quite frankly, I have seen this pattern of behavior before. I know this type. The type that has a hard time controlling their alcohol and their sexual impulses. The type that has a long history of getting themselves into compromising situations. And then when they realize what they’ve done, they look for a way to make themselves look like the poor helpless victim. The type that is desperate for attention, the wrong kind of attention. The cops demonstrated troubling behavior, but if she is guilty of false accusations of rape that is just as troubling.

I’m not surprised that alcoholism plays a major role in this case. As most addictions specialists know- where there is alcoholism, there is most likely a personality disorder and a history of childhood abuse. This is the Unholy Trinity: alcohol abuse, personality disorders and childhood abuse. People who have suffered from all three are much more likely to be victimized. But it also creates doubt.When the Trinity is present, it brings everything into question because questionable behavior is the hallmark of the Trinity. You are talking about a person who has a tendency to get themselves into trouble. It’s tragic but true.

Unfortunately, both rape and allegations of rape are common when there is a history of sexual abuse and alcoholism. That should not be shocking news. But it’s not usually the kind of rape where a stranger pulls you into an alley way. Or the kind of sexual assault that Lara Logan experienced in Egypt. It is predominantly acquaintance rape and it is often under the influence of alcohol. And that is the kind that always leaves questions.

It is not hard to believe that the NYPD cop and the drunk woman might have established some rapport before the alleged rape. The common history of alcohol abuse and disordered behavior creates instant bonds. In a strange way they are “soulmates” because they are both troubled souls. But when you are dealing with troubled souls, you are dealing with people who can’t always be trusted to tell the truth.

It is not unusual for someone afflicted with the Trinity to engage in risky sexual acts and later have mixed emotions about it. It is not unusual for an alcoholic to have sex and not remember if they’ve given consent, especially since black outs and denial are how many survivors deal with sexual abuse. It is also not unusual for a survivor of childhood abuse to misinterpret sexual encounters. Nor is it unusual for these survivors to create a rape story as a means to cope with past feelings of shame and anger. Such behavior is well-documented.

To be honest, I don’t know enough details about the case to make this call. But the red flags are there. The patterns of dysfunctional behavior are there. You can see why the jury had such a hard time with this case. When you are dealing with alcohol abuse, there are all sorts of things that create reasonable doubt. While I can understand the outrage over this decision, it does nothing to prevent this sort of thing from happening again and again.

 

Avoiding Abandonment

May 29, 2011

Borderlines who have a history of ending their relationships abruptly, will most likely deny having a fear of intimacy/abandonment. Since they are the breaker-upper, they are more than happy to see their partners go. But this is the borderline fooling themselves into believing they are completely in control.

What they fail to realize is there is a reason why they devalue their partners. The cliche “it’s me, not you” really applies here. They fail to see that prior to the devaluation, everything was going fine. But when things go too well… when they become more vulnerable… that’s when the borderline starts throwing a wrench into the works.

Whether they are aware of it or not, the more attached they become to someone, the more they fear losing them. This causes the borderline to feel trapped and suffocated. They are drowning in fear and insecurity. It will end with the borderline becoming inexplicably hostile, ruthlessly cutting off the partner they once couldn’t get enough of.

BPD Criteria #9 -transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

If you want to know what a woman with BPD sounds like, read the following Tumblr post:

When I was 16 or so, I had a crush on a boy who was a complete douchebag. He was one of those guys who dresses up his intrinsic belief that women are inferior in a lovely Misogynist Coat of Many Colours: chivalry, slut-shaming, creepy over-protectiveness, wanting to treat girls like ‘princesses’. You know the type.

I knew he was an asshole even when I was into him, so I memorized this poem.

Does this woman sound like a princess to you? What kind of woman hates being treated like a princess? A woman who has been abused her whole life. Since borderlines often speak in code, let me translate for you.

It is possible that this guy was a douchebag. After all, BPD women have a thing for douchebags, bad boys, Judases, etc. But the douchebags I know don’t waste their time with chivalry/wanting to treat girls like princesses. The bad boys I know get girls drunk, have sex with them and then “accidentally” lose their number.

They don’t open doors for women or treat them with respect.  They sleep with your best friend. The bad boy doesn’t know how to treat a woman like a princess because he too came from an abusive family. Bad Boys treat women like they are objects, not princesses . But for someone with low-self esteem and a history of abuse, this is an aphrodisiac.

In other words, her story does not quite ring true. But then again BPs are also known for spinning stories. They are known for creating their own distorted reality. The truth is a relationship with a douchebag usually never progresses further than casual sex. And if it does progress, he’s too busy getting drunk and cheating on her to engage in acts of chivalry. There is no place for love poems or school girl crushes. No, this sounds like a guy who she actually had feelings for.

BP women are sexually attracted to bad boys because it mimics their past (most likely sexual abuse). These relationships are effortless and carefree because they are entirely superficial. A borderline woman wouldn’t care enough about douchebag to label him a douchebag. These relationships are devoid of deep emotions. She might chase after him as he sneaks out the back door. But this is a knee-jerk reaction that has nothing to do with love. Real douchebags leave before the BP has time to devalue him.

Ah but when they meet a Prince, that’s a different story. This kind of relationship is a much more dangerous proposition for someone who fears intimacy. All of a sudden, more is at stake. If this person were to leave, she might feel rejected, maybe even abandoned. When a person like this leaves, feelings are hurt. For an overly-sensitive borderline this means unimaginable pain. The kind that makes you lash out at a person who you once loved with all your might. You might even label this person a “misogynist” or a “douchebag” just to ease the pain. This is called devaluation.

But devaluation is always proceeded by idealization. If this boy was playing the knight in shining armor, then someone must have been playing the damsel in distress. It takes two to tango. If he was over-protective it was most likely because she was constantly putting herself in peril. This is the beginnings of a classic co-dependent relationship a la BPD. The typical asshole/douchebag does not have time for this nonsense/drama. He’s in and he’s out.

No, the person who is duped by this co-dependent act is usually Mr. Nice Guy.  The guy who’s in it for the long haul. The guy who foolishly believes true love can conquer dysfunctional behavior. But Mr. Nice Guy’s is also sensitive. He has to be to understand the borderline’s pain. Only he can see her beauty behind the stone walls she puts up.

Suddenly the princess falls in love. Suddenly she feels things she has never felt before. This causes a borderline to freak out. She will either push him away or try to pull him in. She might put herself in more peril to call her Prince into action, to make sure he doesn’t abandon her. But this doubles as self-sabotage. Because now the Prince is wondering why this Princess is always in trouble. She is quite literally a trouble maker.

Even for the most dedicated Prince this can be too much. Doubt creeps into his mind. A borderline princess can sense when a lover is distancing himself. Suddenly, the Princess’ worst nightmare has come true. She fears abandonment, so she reacts by putting up the stone walls again. She might even throw stones at him to scare him off. Yes, borderlines will break your heart before you have a chance to break theirs.

So what version of the story sounds more accurate? Which version sounds like fiction? And which one sounds like fact? You be the judge. It’s hard to tell who the real douchebag is when you’re dealing with a silent abuser who uses false accusations as a weapon. But all you have to do is look at a person’s track record. Who has a history of manipulating people and the truth? We’re talking about people who can’t deal with the way the world really is so they revise it to their liking. This is someone who has been severely traumatized. To them, fairy-tales are comforting and the truth is painful.

Is She Borderline?

May 26, 2011

From an article titled Warning Signs That The Woman You’re Dating May Have Borderline Personality Disorder:

1. Does she immediately open up to you about abuse in her past?
2. Does she trash her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband even before you hardly get to know her. Does she seem to go on and on about her ex and how he ruined her life?
3. Does she have an unstable relationship with her parents?
4. Does she say bad things about her parents to you?
5. Does she seem very quick to fall in love with you and almost view you as her knight in shining armor?
6. Was she quick to have sex with you?
7. Does she have a difficult time being friends with other women?
8. Does she currently only have one friend that seems to keep coming back in and out of her life or does she have no friends at all?
9. Does it seem like a lot of bad things keep happening to her? Thrown out by her boyfriend, trouble with finances, trouble keeping a job etc
10. Does she seem to have very compelling stories and reasoning that explains why the bad things have happened to her (example, her ex-boyfriend made her run up her credit card debts and that’s why her credit is bad)
11. Does she seem to want to move the relationship forward at a very quick pace?
12. She shown an interest in moving in with you?
13. Does she have screaming fits in front of you?
14. Does she start horrible yelling fights with you and when you try to leave she begs for you to stay?
15. Has she bought you extravagant gifts?
16. Is she willing to explore risky sexual behaviors?
17. Does she abuse drugs or alcohol?

I agree with the author. This is probably not someone you want to continue dating. Unless a borderline has had years of therapy it is best not to get involved. An untreated borderline can cause a lot of damage in a short period of time. If they aren’t even aware they have BPD, that is a definite no-win situation. You can not convince a borderline in denial that they have a problem. They must come to that conclusion themselves.

answers this very important question:

Question: I Have BPD. Does This Mean My Kids Will Get BPD Too?

I have been diagnosed with BPD, and now I am worried about my children. I have heard that BPD runs in families. If I have BPD, will my children get it too?

Answer:

No. If you have BPD, your kids are at greater risk of having BPD themselves. But, there is also a good chance that they will not have BPD. And, there are things you can do to reduce their risk.

There is research showing that BPD runs in families. This is likely due to a number of factors. First, some part of BPD is due to genetics; if these are your biological kids and they have inherited a certain combination of genes from you, they may be more at risk to develop BPD.

Second, the types of environments that can put children at risk of developing BPD also run in families. For example, someone who is maltreated as a child is at greater risk to develop BPD. That person is also at greater risk of having difficulty parenting. It is hard to be an effective parent when you are struggling with BPD symptoms, and it does not help if you did not have good parenting models yourself.

However, none of this means that your children will have BPD. While there is nothing you can do about genetics, if your kids live with you, there is a great deal you can do about environmental factors. And, there is evidence that environment has a very strong influence on whether or not people with the genes for BPD actually develop the disorder.

The first thing that you can do is to get treatment for yourself. People who undergo an effective treatment for BPD under the guidance of a mental health professional can improve significantly. Some people no longer meet diagnostic criteria for BPD after they finish treatment. Having less symptoms means having more resources for effective parenting.

Once you are in treatment, you can also express your concerns about your children to your care provider, and ask them for help. Your provider can help you to evaluate your home environment and whether your symptoms could be affecting your parenting skills. They may even be able to refer you to programs that help people build skills to be more effective parents. People with BPD can be very effective and nurturing parents, but because the symptoms of BPD can be very intense, for many it does take some work.

The good doctor is playing it positive, but I still have my concerns. Children are fragile. Children of borderlines even more so. If adults can be harmed by a borderline’s abusive behavior, a child is certainly at risk. Any child of a borderline will tell you horror stories.

My initial concern is that untreated borderlines would use having a baby as a quick fix for life’s problems. Much like an insecure borderline would rush into marriage hoping to soothe fears of abandonment. To most of us that would seem outrageous. But to someone who is constantly looking to fill the void within, having a baby seems like an easy solution to a nagging problem. But the added pressure can only exacerbate BPD conditions. Even more alarming is another life will be affected by an untreated borderline’s erratic behavior and severe mood swings. And then the cycle continues.

I hate fake people and I hate uptight people. Maybe because I’m getting grouchy in my old age. Or maybe because I’ve had too many encounters with abusive histrionic personalities. Or maybe it’s just instinctual. Maybe that’s my good senses telling me to avoid people who are suppressing rage. Rage that will most likely be directed at me.

I’m always shocked by how many well-educated people think that suppressing emotions is healthy. Telling people to “turn that frown upside down” is not only obnoxious, it’s potentially hazardous. I don’t know if this is plain ignorance or just people in massive denial, but suppressing emotions can have dire consequences. I know I’ve posted about it before. But it bears repeating.

The majority of people can probably get away with this every once and a while, but those who struggle with hypersensitivity and emotional instability are at greater risk of making their situation worse. Suppressing the emotions that come with a disorder like BPD is kind of like making concentrated explosives. If you remember what happened in Columbine, Ft. Hood, and recently in Arizona, then you have seen the worst case scenario when mental health issues are ignored.

Even if the person is not outwardly destructive, they are certainly in danger of being self-destructive. But that can include behavior that harms those around you (esp. alcoholism and relationship sabotage). Or worse, suicide. Here’s a short article by  that elaborates on the topic:

Many people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) will report that they spend a lot of time and energy suppressing emotions. Have you ever had a really intense thought or feeling that you just didn’t want to deal with? Did it feel like it would overwhelm you if you let it stay in your head? Did you try to just push it away or not think about it? This is called emotional suppression, and lots of research shows that not only is it ineffective in eliminating thoughts and feelings, but it may even worsen the situation.

Suppressing Emotions – A Definition

What exactly does “suppressing emotions” mean? Essentially, emotional suppression is a type of emotion regulation strategy -– these are strategies that we use to try to make uncomfortable thoughts and feelings more manageable. There are many different emotion regulation strategies, and some are more helpful than others. For example, some people turn to alcohol or drugs to get rid of painful emotions. While this may work as an emotion regulation strategy in the short term, it definitely has bad long-term consequences. Suppressing emotions, or just trying to push emotional thoughts and feelings out of your mind, is an emotion regulation strategy many people use. And, when used from time to time, it doesn’t have dramatic negative consequences like drug or alcohol use. But, there is reason to believe that if you try to push emotions away all the time, emotional suppression could lead to problems.

The Consequences of Suppressing Emotions

Researchers have studied what happens when you try to push away thoughts and feelings for decades. A famous study on this topic was conducted by Daniel Wegner, Ph.D., and his colleagues. He examined what happened when one group of people was instructed to push away thoughts of a white bear (another group was allowed to think any thoughts, including thoughts about a white bear). He found that the group who had suppressed thoughts of a white bear actually ended up having more white bear thoughts than the group that had been allowed to thinking about anything.

Wegner called this the “rebound effect of thought suppression.” Essentially, if you try to push away a thought of some topic, you will end up having more thoughts about that topic. Many follow-up studies have been conducted that confirm Wegner’s original finding. And, studies have expanded on his finding, and shown that the same effect happens when you try to push away emotional thoughts, or when you try to push away the actual feelings.

The Rebound Effect of Suppressing Emotions – What This Means for You

So what does this research mean for you? Well, it means that if you frequently try to push away thoughts and feelings, you may be making more trouble for yourself. In fact, it is possible that this is setting up a vicious cycle: You have a painful emotion. You try to push it away. This leads to more painful emotions, which you try to push away, and so on.

Some researchers believe emotional suppression may, in part, be a reason that people with psychological conditions such as BPD, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) struggle with so many painful thoughts and emotions.

Reducing Emotional Suppression – Trying New Strategies for Emotion Regulation

The solution to the problem of suppressing emotion is to learn new, healthier ways to regulate your emotions. If you have lots of tricks you can use to regulate emotions, you are less likely to rely on suppressing emotions all the time.

For example, distracting yourself from an emotion by engaging in another activity may be a more effective way to regulate your emotions. If you add lots of new strategies like this, you will not need to use emotional suppression as much.

Need some ideas for new, healthier ways to regulate your emotions? This article below can give you some new strategies to try.

Good advice from the good doctor. In defense of those with BPD, there is probably a rational reason why borderlines suppress their emotions and act fake. I have personally witnessed borderlines unload their emotions and they are intense if not frightening. From an early age, they have learned that non-BPs are frightened by their emotions. Under these circumstances, suppression can seem like a better alternative to scaring people off.

In addition, most borderlines come from families with dark secrets. Secrets they were taught to keep in the closet. But the closet can only hold so much before it all comes tumbling out. This is partly why intimacy is so hard for borderlines. The closer a person gets to knowing the true borderline, the more they fear rejection. And the more they fear rejection, the more likely they will react with rage. In other words, the fakeness only prolongs the pain.

It would seem so. Same old Shady rationalizing her histrionic tendencies, portraying herself as the besieged protector of all women. Still placing more stock in feminist theory than modern medical science. Let’s get this straight- Shady and her Tiger crew do not represent women. They are self-appointed saviors for the benefit of no one else except their own suffering egos. Narcissists like Shady only care about their public image. Any advancement of womankind has been due to women like Oprah, Michelle Obama, and Hilary Clinton. Not Shady and friends. They are too busy playing the victim to advance any movement. If they represent anyone, they represent 3-5% of the population (male and female) that suffers from some sort of trauma-related personality disorder. (my apologies if this offends people with PDs)

This is her latest rant as of 5/20:

That said, no matter what you do, or how mildly you phrase an objection, some dude will invariably be all, “she’s on a rampage! She’s gone MAD! Mad with RAGE, I tell you! She is not to be trusted! Frothing at the mouth! Evil, I say, EEEEEVILLLLLL! If only the chirurgeon couldst recommend to us a remedy, for this damnable plague of hysteria in females!”

Mildy phrasing an objection? Does that sound like Shady McDoyle’s style? LOL. Either we have discovered the greatest comic in the world or this is a woman who has zero self-reflective ability. How quickly she forgot about her meltdowns and her tirades (just months ago). But maybe she forgot because she quickly deleted those posts after she realized it made her look like an unhinged bitch. But Shady thinks she can talk her way out of reality. No matter. I’m not here to prove that Shady McDoyle is an unhinged bitch. I don’t actually think she’s evil or mad. But I do think she is deeply troubled.

Allow me to recommend a remedy for her hysteria … therapy. Lot’s of it. As much as you can afford. More treatment… less Tumblr. Less internet pontification and more self-reflection. More healing of past wounds, and less chaos manufacturing. Less spreading of hate and more learning to love yourself and others. You will be surprised how much more tranquil life will be when you break the addiction to drama and stop antagonizing people. Save yourself before you attempt to save the world.

Although most of her long-winded rants are PR jobs, every once an a while it does give us more insight into such troubled minds:

I used to be very good at compartmentalizing and suppressing grief. I could decide when and how to switch off emotional pain. You could tell how serious a loss was by how unaffected and chipper I was afterward. I’d wail and overshare and write terrible poetry for six straight months over a dude I had barely even dated, but when I cut my Dad off, I cried for about thirty seconds. And that was it. Never speaking to one of my parents again; well, that was a bummer, what’s for lunch?

I’m happy that Shady has found something that she is good at, but the suppression of guilt is not a talent. It is probably the most unhealthy thing a person can do. Especially if that person has experienced lifelong trauma. When you suppress emotions, it’s like putting a lid over a violently boiling pot. Sure, at first, it seems like calm has been restored. But after a while pressure builds. Before you know it, you will have an explosion of emotions (usually at wildly inappropriate moments). And what you intended to be a mild objection, will come out like fire-vomit.

But it’s not all her fault. According to Shady, she and her mother were tormented by a borderline father. Judging by her own behavior, I am inclined to believe her. Such a story certainly earns her street cred amongst the man-hater club, but she seems to have overlooked the fact that such lifelong abuse can have an adverse effect on someone’s emotional well-being. On one hand she wants to lay claim to victimhood but yet she also wants to deny that such victimization can make a person prone to irrational thought and behavior. You can’t have it both ways, my dear Shady. Either you were traumatized or you weren’t. You can’t claim victimhood and then claim that everything is fine in Shady World. It defies logic and science. And no amount of feminist THEORY can negate logic and science.

Truthfully, I don’t really care about Shady McDoyle’s well-being. But I do care that she spreads misinformation and warps the minds of young and impressionable (sometimes traumatized) girls who are desperately looking for guidance, even misguidance. I have a problem with untreated survivors appointing themselves to positions of power, when their own lives are in disarray. I know these women well. I have been dating them my whole adult life. They are often intelligent and articulate, but they are also emotionally unstable and deeply troubled.

I have a problem with troubled women saying they represent all women.  The vast majority of women haven’t been repeatedly victimized their whole life. The majority of women haven’t been emotionally traumatized. The majority of women were not raised by a disordered parent. They keep making this a gender issue (Us vs Them) as if aligning themselves with the rest of the female population will give them legitimacy. But this is not a gender issue. It is a mental health issue. It affects both men and women. Shady’s father was an abusive borderline. But are we to believe that this abuse had no lasting effect on his daughter? I find this hard to believe.

So why has Shady Doyle learned so little? She seems relatively intelligent. Realize books smarts does not equal life smarts. Yes, life is less scary when you are hiding behind a book but unfortunately it also keeps you in isolation. And without the feedback of the outside world, you start to lose a sense of who you really are.

Fighting for social justice is commendable, except when it is used by troubled souls to distract them from addressing personal health issues. That is they would rather indulge in thoughts of “rape culture” and “misogyny” than advance their own self-awareness. They would rather sit around in tight circles and discuss how the Patriarchy is plotting their demise, than accept personal responsibility for their well-being.

If you haven’t noticed, their view of the world is pretty twisted. Twisted by an abusive parent. Twisted by sexual abuse. Twisted by a tragic life. As much as women like Shady and my Ex would like to convince the world that their perception of the world (their theory) is reality. It is not. It is THEIR reality. It is the reality of a trauma survivor. And if you’ve done your reading, you will know that survivors often detach from reality in order to survive. So, in fact, it is not reality at all.

Denial and Avoidance. These are the reasons why people like Shady never learn. The demons from their past are locked away because they are too frightening to confront. Self-improvement would require her to unlock that door to her past. And women like Shady, like my borderline ex, are too afraid to open that door. Fear is a powerful emotion. And when we allow it to dictate our behavior, bad things happen. Fear brings out the worst in us. But for some people, fear rules their lives. Unfortunately, it also ruins lives.

Oh Pop Culture, why do you supply me with endless examples of damaged women? So here we have Lady Gaga doing her best Madonna impersonation (in more ways than one). What is it about these narcissists that attract them to bad boys? Judases if you will.

The answer is- the same thing that made them narcissists in the first place- instability, neglect, abuse, separation, conflict or all of the above. These are the forces that made them insecure in their childhood and abusive personalities in their adulthood. Insecurity compels them to follow self-destructive patterns and pull people down with them.

On some level, Gaga “loves” Jesus because rationally she knows he’s good for her. But she is viscerally attracted to Judas, even though she knows Judas will betray her. This is not so much an attraction to Judas as it is an attraction to the familiar. And the familiar to these damaged souls is an abusive environment. In the end, she and Judas will both betray Jesus. Because girls like Gaga are not only good at attracting people who treat them like shit, they are also very good at attracting people who are willing to be treated like shit.

It doesn’t matter how smart, successful or independent (or feminist) the woman is. If she’s emotionally damaged, she will sabotage what’s good for her and run to things that are bad for her. Women with high IQs can have low emotional IQs. Such women will be suffocated by intimacy and excited by the thrill of danger. So says the laws of the universe.

But it goes the other way too. There are men who are attracted to femme fatales. Like DeNiro’s character in Casino. He falls for Sharon Stone’s character, a histrionic borderline who betrays his trust over and over again. Just when he provides her with security and stability, she gets bored, betrays him and runs off with some Judas. But like a true co-dependent, DeNiro’s character takes her in, every time she comes crawling back. He is rewarding her bad behavior and therefore ensuring his own demise.

Both the boys who are drawn to bad girls and the girls who are drawn to bad boys are re-playing the drama of their childhood. It is there you will find the beginnings of this addiction to toxic relationships. These relationships have nothing to do with love. Neither of these archetypes are conditioned for love. They are conditioned for abusive co-dependent relationships.

We like to think that human beings make decisions based on rational thought. But most of our behavior is dictated by our past and our emotions. Rationalization only comes into play after the fact, when we have to justify our behavior to ourselves. This is a source of great shame for bad boys and bad girls, even the ones who seem unaffected. Enough shame to make them suppress their misdeeds and live in denial- to live a lie.

I wanted to believe my borderline ex was different, but she was just like all the other troubled women who I let ruin my life. I was replaying my past. She fooled me into believing she loved me. But I allowed myself to be fooled, because I wanted to believe she loved me.

She was using me like she uses every man. Although, I feel dumb and naive now, I was just desiring that which has alluded me my whole life- true love. To her credit, she tried to play the role of the good girl. But her insecurities got the best of her. She tried to keep her demons at bay. But those forces were too strong for her.

She could only keep up the act for so long. And when the pressure to keep up the act became too much, she went back to the familiar. She ran back to Judas. The Judas she chose was just as fucked up as her. A wannabe thug who had been betrayed by his wife and now he was looking for payback. He didn’t care who he was hurting, because he was too consumed by the pain that someone else had caused him. Scum bags are just damaged souls looking to pass on their pain.

And she too didn’t care about who she hurt, because she was too busy trying to escape the suffocating grip of intimacy. The fear of abandonment/rejection made her blind to the hurt she was unleashing upon others. Judas was exactly what she needed- a man with little promise of a future. With him, she didn’t have to live up to the expectation of being normal or healthy. She could be her damaged self. In her troubled mind, he was her “soul mate”.

But she too came crawling back when she realized he just wanted her for sex. He got what he wanted and left her with a shattered relationship. I tried to pick up the pieces, but it was damaged beyond repair. She had sex with him to prove to me that she was desirable, but she ended up proving that she was easily manipulated by Judas. She was so gaga for her Judas that she blamed me for his flight. All the intelligence I thought she had was rendered useless under the spell of an abusive personality.

It never occurred to her that the Judas affair was not built to last. But that is why she pursued it with such vigor. It never occurred to her that Judas was programmed to use and abuse. It never occurred to her that is why she chose him in the first place. Borderlines are notoriously bad judges of character. It was fitting that Judas betrayed her, because she got a taste of her own medicine.

Of course I, being the sucker for wounded animals, took her back. But it was not long before she would betray me again. I knew too much about her. I knew her evil ways. And she knew that I knew. And that made her insecure all over again. This was enough reason for her to run far far away. Just like she had done so many times before. Just like Sharon Stone’s character in Casino.

Femme fatales want to be loved. But once they have it, they run from it. In their minds, they are unworthy of love. This is why women like Lady Gaga eventually run back to Judas. Guys like Judas make them feel like they have nothing to lose. They are a relief from having to pretend they are someone they are not. Only when they are with someone who is just as damaged as they are, do they find themselves at ease. But this is not love, this is the soothing of insecurity and low self-esteem. For damaged people, the illusion of love is better than nothing.