Please Don’t Leave Me

April 17, 2011

Pink does a pretty good borderline impersonation. She even looks like someone I use to know.

Sing along if you know the words. She’s singing about the “push and pull” abuse that is so common in BPD relationships. A borderline treats you like shit to push you away. And then when you start walking out the door, they put on their best wounded animal face and beg you to stay.

They will tell you how much you mean to them. And you will be flattered. Don’t be. You are nothing to them but a “perfect punching bag”. A stop-gap solution to fill the void. A cog that can be replaced at will, without regret. When an untreated borderline cries, “Please Don’t Leave Me”, they are buying time. Buying time till they find your replacement. Someone who will put up with the abuse. Someone they can more easily control. Or if they’re really filled with self-loathing, they’ll find someone who treats them as badly as they treated you.

Like Pink says, borderlines can be so very mean and nasty when they want you to know how much they hurt inside. If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ve seen how mean and nasty they can be… how cold and heartless. Maybe they won’t come after you with an axe. But they will cut you with words. They torture you with mind games. And if they’re really cruel, they’ll stab you in the back with false accusations and acts of infidelity. And then when you fight back, they’ll accuse you of abusing them.

But the fun doesn’t end there. Weeks after calling you an abuser, they’ll come running back to you for comfort. Because no one else puts up with their bullshit like you do. You would be crazy to stay with someone this messed up. But untreated borderlines are master manipulators. They have spent their whole lives avoiding abandonment. They will use every trick in the book to get you back.

They will tell you sob stories of abuse. Stories of crazy exes and even crazier parents. Stories of being violated in terrible ways. Borderlines always have an excuse for their bad behavior. They tell you these stories so you will say, “there there poor little helpless waif, I will stay by your side.” Tears will roll down their face as they promise you things they will never deliver on. They’ll promise never ever to hurt you again. But of course, they will.

11 Responses to “Please Don’t Leave Me”

  1. savorydish said

    Don’t ever believe a borderline when they say they will never hurt you again. These people have been conditioned by a lifetime’s worth of abuse. Change is hard for most people. It’s even harder for an emotionally unstable borderline.

    It takes 7-10 years of dedicated therapy to turn an abusive borderline around. And even then it requires daily effort to stay on track.

  2. savorydish said

    This is the type of borderline behavior that drives lovers crazy. But an untreated borderline never assumes blame. It never occurs to them that they are the ones creating this craziness.

  3. Jenna said

    Persons with BPD aren’t actually master manipulators, because being a master manipulator would require one to be calculating – Due to the nature of the disorder(intense emotion, instability, mood swings) they simply do not have the sit-down focus to do that. Rather, I would call it a control problem over a manipulation issue.

    I love when people crucify persons with personality disorders for their generalizations and black and white thinking, then go ahead and subscribe to it more than I’ve ever seen a pwBPD do. Go, you.

    • savorydish said

      BPD is a disorder. It’s in the name. What you call a crucifix, I call an accurate portrayal of a person with abusive tendencies. Manipulation is not always a matter of someone sitting down and calculating. The fact is borderlines are conditioned to get what they want through manipulation. It is instinctual. Like a baby who cries to get attention. No evil plot necessary. To say they lack control, is to say they should not be held accountable. Your reasoning sounds like the rationalization of someone who might be afflicted with BPD. Someone unwilling to accept responsibility.Your accusations are a perfect example of manipulative behavior aka the blame game.

  4. HarlemGurl said

    I love how Jenna uses the words “crucify.” Just what in the Sam Hell do people with BDP think they do to others?

    Good grief. I”m having the damnedest time separating the person from the disease. One minute I feel nothing but compassion for the alternate reality they’ve created for themselves to survive…the next minute I want them to all throw themselves off the highest bridge they can find.

    When a BDP does you wrong sometimes you can wish them nothing but ill will.

    • savorydish said

      I know what you mean HG. I was sympathetic till my ex turned on me and was doing things to intentionally hurt me. What’s tragic is they turn on people who are closest to them. An untreated borderline will never know true love. It’s hard to be sympathetic when someone lashes out at you.

    • savorydish said

      the word “crucify” implies that she is a martyr.

      where have we seen this kind of self-victimization/self-pity?

      this one is straight out of the textbook.

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  6. Mut7 said

    Thank you savorydish! I’m going through some pretty nasty stuff with my STBX uBPD and I’m glad that I found your blog. Unfortunately it took me until the end of our relationship (she had someone under her wing and left after 7 years of marriage and blamed me for EVERYTHING) to finally see WTH happened. A family member also pointed it out. We have been separated for just over 4 months and your blog has helped me cope with the pain.

    Two and half weeks after she moved out, she introduced her boyfriend to the kids (4), has him sleep over and has him do family things with her and my kids. The guy was playing with fire when he started fooling around with a married woman and was having an affair, but boy he has no clue what’s in store for him.

  7. Etherbet said

    Good post. I’ve noticed way too many BPD elements in female singers’ lyrics for it to be a coincidence. P!nk, Aguilera, Britney, Gaga, etc.

    Keep in mind that the aforementioned, in most cases, do not write the lyrics.

    Just listen to Gaga’s “Do What U Want”, in which she boasts that you’ll never have her heart or mind, but she wants you to do whatever you want to her physically.

    Both Borderlines I knew were fascinated by Madonna, Gaga, Aguilera and their masochistic-turned-ruthless-a-hole themes. As a side-bar: they were also both heavily into shows like Dexter and other shows with cold/sociopathic male leads.

    Nothing wrong watching and listening to things like that, unless you’re sick like they are.

  8. Sally said

    Wow, what small minded people we have here. You group everyone together in the same boat and assume you know all there is to know? I have EUPD (aka BPD) and I have never hit someone, I am not manipulative (wish I had mastered this skill), but I have mood swings and emotional instability. I have a lot of self hate, but I don’t blame others. I hate myself for the way I handle things, and this sends me over the edge and I often just feel like a burden on people. No wonder with people like you around. Thankfully I have a supportive network and a great therapist, who retrains the dealing with problems rationally, instead of feeling your world is caving in, through cognitive analytic therapy. I find it quite horrifying to read comments that generalise is such a manner. I am an able person, I have raised my children, and work as a nurse, but I am a horrible person? Thanks, next time you are in hospital, lets hope you don’t get a nurse with BPD looking after you. You might actually discover they can be normal people.

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