Do Men Lie About Rape?

April 14, 2011

Let’s be fair. A man is just as capable of lying about rape as a woman. A month ago, Garland Grey accused me of being a “butt-hurt”. I would have been offended. But it was such a ridiculously childish insult, I could only laugh. Little did I know this childish insult had tragic origins. It seems Garland was trying to project his pain onto me. More is explained as Garland tells his story:

When I was dating in college, I went to a bar on the strip on a Thursday where queers hung out before the gay club was built across town, to see if I could meet someone. I met someone. I remember very little from that evening in 2002, I just remember going home with him. I do not remember what part of town he lived in, what car he drove, what his apartment looked like. I think I had been drinking, but I was underaged at the time, so I can’t imagine how I pulled that off.

All I have of this story is fucking fragments. I had never been penetrated before, and I remember thinking to myself after I got back to campus and found I was bleeding that if I had explained that to him he would have stopped. Or he might have done it a different way. But ultimately it was my fault for having consented to anal sex without knowing I could handle the pain. For years I believed this was a story about me getting into things I couldn’t handle.

And then I joined a website, and that website started talking about rape, and I made the conscious decision to take a back seat in that discussion because I had a Venn diagram in my head with Rape in one circle and Things That Have Happened To Me in another, and it was very, very important that the overlap be a null set. I felt that saying “I didn’t realize what happened to me was rape until I heard a lot of people talking about rape at once” would be too much. So I monitored to conversation, moderated the comments, and stayed out of it.

BTW this is almost identical to the story told to me by my Borderline Ex. It happened during her undergrad years as well. Sadly, this is not an uncommon story for troubled teens. I’m sure a lot of Tiger Beaters have similar stories. The college years are when teens go wild. But when someone has a family history of risky behavior and weak boundaries it is a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled.

So was this rape? Or was this just another case of an undergrad getting boozed up and ending up in a situation he couldn’t handle? He seems to recall going home with a guy he met at a gay bar. What did he think was going to happen? Was he thinking they were going to end up playing Scrabble? It’s always a fuzzy area when alcohol is involved, but this situation seems pretty clear cut.

And now because he visited a website that told him it was rape, he thinks that guy raped him. Even though he admits to consenting to sex. He was bleeding after anal sex, so it must have been rape. Right? So is Garland lying? Or is he just trying to rationalize a traumatic experience? Rather than take responsibility for his actions, he would rather entertain the idea that he was victimized… that he was raped.

Does this scare anyone? It should. Because what this says is that any one night stand could end up with the other person accusing you of rape. Pretty serious stuff. Pretty fucking scary.

I’ve only had a few one night stands in my life, but I was fortunate enough not to have any of them accuse me of rape. Lord knows, I’ve been involved with my fair share of crazy women. Any one of them could have flipped out and accused me of rape. Just for shits and giggles. Because a few of them were just fucked up enough to do something like that. Knock on wood (no pun intended), none of them did. But I was lucky.

So what now… do we need to have people sign waivers before we have sex with them? Do we require them to submit to a psych evaluation before we do the dirty deed? Does the fear of false accusations have to be added to the fear of contracting an STD?

Sex is an intense and intimate experience. Some people can’t handle it. Especially people who are hyper-sensitive and emotionally unstable. Some of these people have had really bad experiences with sex. Not as in bad sex, but as in inappropriate sex at a young age. Most people (especially in the heat of the moment) don’t think about that. The thing you should know is there are a lot of fucked up people out there. I had to learn this the hard way.

These are people who have deep-seated feelings of victimization. They have a dark dark past. And all it takes is something as intense as sex to trigger these emotions. Dark emotions that are just bubbling underneath the surface. And when you’ve had a few too many, you may not realize that the stranger you met at the bar has some serious issues going on. Until it’s too late.

When someone has been victimized their whole life, it doesn’t take much to trigger the past. Memories get foggy, thought-processes go haywire and experiences sometimes evolve into things that never happened. The human mind plays tricks on people all the time. What we think is a solid object is just a collection of sub-atomic particles. But when someone’s mind is flooded with painful memories and highly-charged emotions his/her brain becomes their worst enemy…  and sometimes somebody else’s worst nightmare.

3 Responses to “Do Men Lie About Rape?”

  1. savorydish said

    BTW if you drink so much, you can’t remember things, that is officially a drinking problem. We live in a culture that normalizes alcoholic behavior, but this is not normal behavior. It is not normal, nor is it healthy to wake up bleeding in your orifices because of a night of heavy drinking. This is full blown alcoholism. Most likely genetic alcoholism.

    What blows my mind is that even after a devastating event like this, these people continue to drink. They drink to self-medicate. They should be in AA, but instead they spend their time dispensing misinformtation to impressionable young people. My advice to Garland Grey is lead by example.

  2. savorydish said

    We’ve seen quite a bit of baiting going on in the Tiger Camp. This should be some indication of what these people will do to get attention and sympathy. Remember baiting is a passive-aggressive act where the attacker assumes the role of victim while demonizing you. This is the same mechanism behind false accusations.

  3. […] passes out because they drank too much, how can we expect them to remember details of that night? Even people who were lucid enough to remember giving consent have later recanted and revised their s…. This is not to say that claims by people with a history of alcohol abuse and mental disorders are […]

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