April 28, 2011
Everyone is pretty excited about the royal wedding that’s coming up. But while it’s easy to get caught up in all the royal hooplah, my thoughts drift back to the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Di. That too was a picture-perfect wedding. But if we’ve learned one thing- it’s that the Royal Family is very good at covering up the behind-the-scenes drama.
I’ve already written a couple posts now on the speculation that Diana had suffered from BPD. But I have not yet written that much about the rumors of their extra-marital affairs. Infidelity is pretty common in BPD relationships. And both infidelity and BPD can have a traumatic effect on the children.
We have already seen how both have affected Prince Harry, who was rumored at one time to be the love child of one of those affairs. Those rumors were proven to be false, but the effect could be seen in Harry’s wild behavior. Prince William, on the other hand, seems to be more grounded but we will see how it affects his marriage with Kate. Sadly, children tend to repeat the mistakes of their parents. We can only hope this will not be the case with these two.
But I thought this would be a good opportunity to talk about infidelity and how it affects the children. We gossip about it and read about it in the tabloids, but we rarely see the devastating effect it has on the children of cheaters. Jennifer Harley Chalmers Ph.D shares a heartbreaking story:
When a parent has an affair what lessons are being taught to the children? What rules of life are being learned?
Julie was a happy-go-lucky eight-year old. She was at the top of her 3rd grade class, loved playing with her friends, riding her bike, and drawing. Her parents loved her and she loved them.
One day after school mom introduced Julie to two girls who were close to Julie’s age. Mom said that she was taking care of them for a friend named Josh. Julie enjoyed playing with the girls and looked forward to them coming again.
In fact they would come over quite often with their dad. But it was only when Julie’s dad was out of town. Sometimes Josh stayed late — long after Julie had gone to sleep.
One day dad came home from his trip. As he was hugging Julie he asked, “How is my princess? What did you do while I was away?” Julie started telling him about the new puppy that “Uncle Josh” brought to the house. Dad knew that mom had been helping someone with child care, but when he heard it was “Uncle Josh” he became a little suspicious.
“How often do you see Uncle Josh?” he asked. With a smile Julie said, “Oh, he comes over every day to help mom when you’re gone.” Mom looked at Julie with a stern face. But Julie didn’t understand why she was becoming upset. Her dad started asking her mom questions and their voices became louder and louder. Julie was sent to her room.
As Julie listened outside, her door she heard her mom say, “Josh is just a friend. Aren’t I allowed to have friends. Why do you have to be so jealous? Don’t you trust me?” Julie finally heard her mom say that she would never see Josh again if that’s what her dad really wanted.
After a couple days, mom and dad started talking to each other and mom and dad seemed happy again. They all returned to their routine of life and Julie started to forget about that horrible night.
But the next time dad went on a trip, mom did not keep her promise. She told Julie that the babysitter will be taking care of her that night. But mom wouldn’t tell Julie where she was going. As mom left the house she saw Josh help mom into his car. “Why is mom seeing Josh when she promised never to see him again?” Julie asked herself.
When dad returned, mom lied to him. When he asked her if she had seen Josh while he was gone she said, “No.” But dad pursued the subject and continued to ask her what she did. Finally she said, “I can’t take this invasion of privacy” and that her life was “none of his business.” She got up, started to pack her suitcase and gave Julie a kiss with the promise to see her tomorrow. She left that night leaving Julie feeling abandoned by her mother.
Julie didn’t understand what had happened. She thought it was her fault — maybe she had done something to make mom leave and cause this terrible punishment. She cried inconsolably. Dad tried to soothe Julie but nothing helped. She cried herself to sleep.
The next morning Julie went to school but did not say a word. Her teacher asked what was wrong, but Julie wouldn’t respond. Her eyes just filled with tears.
When Julie saw her mom she cried and pleaded for her to come home. Julie promised to clean her room every day and wash and dry the dishes. But nothing worked. Mom didn’t come home.
After a month mom changed her mind. Julie was so excited when she heard the good news. But her happiness turned to despair when she was told that her mom had forced her dad to move away so she could come home.
Julie had come to trust and depend on her dad in the last month and appreciated him more than she ever had in the past. Now she was about to lose a parent she loved and trusted all over again.
These experiences were only the beginning for Julie. In the months to come mom and dad would unknowingly teach Julie more lessons about life.
Children learn from their parents. In fact parents are the most influential guides in a child’s life. Many will see their mannerisms and phrases being used by their child. But parents are more than models for mannerisms and phrases. They are models for crucial aspects of life: a work ethic, intimate relationships, friendships, domestic skills, communication, and problem-solving skills. Lessons about life are being taught when a parent has an affair — lessons that they usually don’t want their child to learn.
I share Dr. Chalmers’ story, not to rain on the royal parade, but to find insight into why my borderline ex behaved the way she did. Why she lied to me and betrayed me, despite all the promises she had made to me. She had grown up witnessing infidelity in her own family, not to mention the horrible fights. While we were still dating, her mother told her about her father’s act of indiscretion. It literally put her into a state of shock. She couldn’t even process the event.
It was only a matter of time, when she would cheat on me. I forgave her, given the recent turn of events, but she would betray me again and again. She felt shame for all her acts of infidelity, but then she would find a way to bury it with denial. The pain was too much for her. Deep down she knew she was repeating patterns she had learned from her parents.
Dr. Chalmers talks about the lessons learned, when a child witnesses infidelity:
The first lesson a child learns is,
How to deal with emotional pain.
Children whose parents are experiencing marital conflict feel many emotions — guilt, confusion, loneliness, sadness, fear, worry, abandonment, and many other excruciating feelings. When a child is losing the security base of a strong marriage they are bombarded with pain.
So how is a child supposed to soothe their pain and the feeling of helplessness? And how does a child gain control in an uncontrollable situation? Out of the need to defend against these uncomfortable feelings comes a new rule about life —
If a problem arises it is better to deny that there is a problem than to face it and feel the pain. Julie came to believe this rule. She would think,
“This is how married people lived. Nothing was wrong about this situation. There really isn’t a problem here. Just look the other way.” A child can defend themselves from the bombardment of emotional pain through the defenses of denial and justification.
But this new rule did not help teach Julie how to solve crucial problems that would face her later in life. Instead of facing and solving those problems, she would deny their very existence and look the other way as it would grow and eventually overwhelm her.
Julie was also being taught a second lesson,
How to lie.
In order to maintain a secret second life, wayward spouses need to keep up the deceit. After Julie started living with her mom, she was asked not to talk to dad about Josh. She was further instructed to tell dad that she hadn’t seen him. Mom explained that it is better that dad just doesn’t know “because we don’t want to make him upset.” Julie remembered how upset dad was when he found out about Josh. She didn’t want him to get angry at mom. So with this newly learned habit of lying for mom, came a second rule about life —
Lying is allowed if it spares another from pain or spares yourself from punishment. Another rule from this lesson on deceit is that
Lying is allowed when it protects your privacy. Everyone has a right to privacy in their life, even if it involves hurting people behind their back. Julie was told over and over that it was not dad’s business to know what mom does. This was meant to justify the fact that mom was lying to dad. Although Julie’s mom was a very honest and open person before the affair, mom became quite an expert at deceit and privacy. Julie was watching her model every step of the way.
A third crucial lesson is,
How to be thoughtless — doing what you please regardless of how it affects other people.
Julie would learn how to take advantage of her friends and family when there was something in it for her. She would learn how to disregard others’ suffering because she had a right to enjoy life to the fullest. All wayward spouses hurt the people they care about the most. Wayward spouses rationalize that they had to look out for themselves which is why they developed the relationship outside of their marriage in the first place. Their actions seem to benefit themselves in the short term, but it has disastrous effects on members of their family.
Marital discord is hard enough on children. It undermines the basic security needed for them to learn and grow. But to add infidelity to a troubled marriage turns a problem into a disaster. Parents who have an affair are teaching their children very important rules that are likely to be followed for the rest of their lives. It ultimately not only undermines their marital relationships but it also seriously hurts their own chances for success in most other areas of life.
Parents have a responsibility to teach their children the importance of honesty and the importance of thoughtfulness — considering other people’s feeling when decisions are being made. To do otherwise is not only terribly irresponsible, but may tend to perpetuate the learning of these rules of deceit and thoughtlessness for generations to come.
My ex may or may not have BPD, but clearly the effects of her parent’s behavior can be seen in her behavior. Such behavior is traumatic for a child without BPD. But when that child has deep-seated fears of abandonment, you can imagine how traumatic it would be to see your family unravel right before your eyes. It is in this context that we can be begin to understand the lies and the denial. But it does not excuse her behavior. It is merely an explanation. Her behavior was just as hurtful as her parents’.
As a society, we have this delusion that marriage equals “happily ever after”. But it takes more than wedding vows to keep people together. Especially, when one of them has a family history of unhappiness.
April 26, 2011
These days, being nerdy is a disorder too. My feeling is, if no one is suffering, then it’s not a disorder. He’s a smart kid, he’s suppose to be socially awkward. Of course he’s getting beat up at school. But he’ll probably invent something and be the next Bill Gates. And the guy who beat him up will probably end up cleaning his toilets. Problem solved.
Asperger’s doesn’t seem to have the self-destructive and abusive qualities of BPD. Sure he might have trouble getting a date, but he won’t play mind games or lash out at you. Somewhere out there, there’s a nice nerdy girl for him. He’ll be just fine.
April 26, 2011
I could treat people like shit and not feel bad about it. I could move from one lover to another without heartbreak. I wouldn’t have to worry about messy emotions because I could shut them off in seconds. I would just slither away. Not a care in the world. I would just care about me and my needs. I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting loved ones. Because when you’re coldhearted, you don’t worry about other people’s feelings. You just act like nothing ever happened.
April 20, 2011
April 18, 2011
When you love someone, you put up with a lot. Maybe too much. But love shouldn’t hurt and people you love shouldn’t hurt you. But if they do hurt you, maybe that says a lot about how little they love you. Or how incapable they are of love.
When you love someone you’ll do anything for them. There was a time I would have done anything for my ex. But she couldn’t show me the same respect. There was a time when I actually felt sorry for her. But that all changes once you realize how little they actually care for you.
April 18, 2011
April 17, 2011
Pink does a pretty good borderline impersonation. She even looks like someone I use to know.
Sing along if you know the words. She’s singing about the “push and pull” abuse that is so common in BPD relationships. A borderline treats you like shit to push you away. And then when you start walking out the door, they put on their best wounded animal face and beg you to stay.
They will tell you how much you mean to them. And you will be flattered. Don’t be. You are nothing to them but a “perfect punching bag”. A stop-gap solution to fill the void. A cog that can be replaced at will, without regret. When an untreated borderline cries, “Please Don’t Leave Me”, they are buying time. Buying time till they find your replacement. Someone who will put up with the abuse. Someone they can more easily control. Or if they’re really filled with self-loathing, they’ll find someone who treats them as badly as they treated you.
Like Pink says, borderlines can be so very mean and nasty when they want you to know how much they hurt inside. If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ve seen how mean and nasty they can be… how cold and heartless. Maybe they won’t come after you with an axe. But they will cut you with words. They torture you with mind games. And if they’re really cruel, they’ll stab you in the back with false accusations and acts of infidelity. And then when you fight back, they’ll accuse you of abusing them.
But the fun doesn’t end there. Weeks after calling you an abuser, they’ll come running back to you for comfort. Because no one else puts up with their bullshit like you do. You would be crazy to stay with someone this messed up. But untreated borderlines are master manipulators. They have spent their whole lives avoiding abandonment. They will use every trick in the book to get you back.
They will tell you sob stories of abuse. Stories of crazy exes and even crazier parents. Stories of being violated in terrible ways. Borderlines always have an excuse for their bad behavior. They tell you these stories so you will say, “there there poor little helpless waif, I will stay by your side.” Tears will roll down their face as they promise you things they will never deliver on. They’ll promise never ever to hurt you again. But of course, they will.