When Borderlines Cut You Out (revisited)

March 16, 2011

This title was posted a while back but it’s still receiving a lot of traffic and some new and insightful comments. Here are the comments, but if you want to read the original post just click here.

A confession from Anne:

You are right…and I can’t speak for the man but I too have told one man that I was too hopelessly sick to be with him. It was true though. I was also doing it as an act of self-destruction. One less person at my funeral was my sick rationale in the heat of my rage. I saw him as being better off without me…well…he was of course. With that said I was so engrossed in my self-loathing I didn’t even think about how my words might be REALLY hurting him. In the aftermath, I felt such shame and regret about what I did to him that I wasn’t sure whether to vomit or faint.

I still shake typing this out.

From Anders:

I´m a guy from Sweden. I read your story gasping for air. I´ve just gone through EXACTLY the same thing, the same pain and frustration. She acted identically to your girl. Blocked me completely after saying “I have never loved anyone so much”. I have since learned that she has Borderline which explained many of her sides I had noticed. Hell on earth!

From a woman named Loominator:

I have been in love with a guy like this, somehow it has all started to make sense now. My friends and family always warn me, they keep saying somethings up with him and he isn’t stable in the head. It has always been a toxic co-dependent relationship. Doesn’t take much to make him want to back out. He’ll say something and go and do the opposite. He also likes to believe he doesn’t need help, at one point I even got told that I am the one with issues! Everytime he confesses his feelings it just means he’s soon going to disappear, give me the silent treatment and block me out. So frustrating for the person on the receiving end of all this drama. The pain as you said in unimaginable, I still feel like it is my fault and I need to reach out to him. I do wish he would get help but I guess these people are in denial of how their behavior is affecting the other person. I feel your pain!

From Anne:

You say they don’t mean to play games… my ex-weirdfriend’s actions seemed carefully thought out and at one time he said to me that, in contrast to a difficult person we knew, “I’m not into those games – well I am but you guys don’t realise I’m playing.” This is what made me think he’s antisocial or at least cynical. After a while his headgames became relentless though, and I’m not sure anyone lives that way out of cool-headed strategic choice. I think seeing it that way was a means of gaining control over *himself*. Or maybe he is that cold and just walked away because he wasn’t winning. But his exit strategy sure looked borderline to me.

From Huxley:

Everything written here seems to ring so true to my situation. I hate to think that other people have to put up with this hell too. I really wouldn’t wish such pain even on my worst enemy.

It all began by meeting this girl through work. I knew straight away that she was unstable. She had a boyfriend at the time but pursued me regardless. Even after she relocated she kept in regular contact by email. Then after a while she asked if I’d like to go traveling with her which I agreed to. I fell in love with her during that time and the feeling seemed to be mutual. After returning however, she completely shut me out of her life. It was three months until I heard from her again during which time she had attempted suicide.

A relationship then ensued and seemed to go amazingly well for two months. She
was still taking anti-depressants but seemed to get better as time went on. Then two weeks ago, she called me and gave the wildest reasons as to why the relationship couldn’t continue. When I asked her why she was doing this, she replied ‘I don’t know!’ and gave no indication when she might ever contact me again. This was completely unexpected as only a week before we were planning our whole year together. It’s so hard to believe that such a seemingly perfect relationship could turn so abusive.

I know she’s not an evil person deep down. Her life up to now has been terrible so I can’t really hold anything against her. It’s just hard to believe that none of her love was actually real.

From Greenbach:

Reading these posts is so eerie because they hold up a mirror image of our own experiences. Mine too. It’s very comforting to know there are so many people out there who have experienced the same pattern of mindless, logic-defying madness that ultimately makes us question our own sanity. It’s also alarming that this disorder presents itself in such a consistent pattern, is so widespread and yet is something most of us will never have even heard of until it was too late.

I have no empirical proof that my ex-girlfriend of 18 months has BPD but by coincidence we share the same doctor and he told me that she was probably borderline and to stay away from her and never resume contact. This, of course, was unethical and a flagrant breach of patient confidentiality. But I was so emotionally spent at the time of the breakup – utterly bewildered and crushed that she could declare undying a few days before Christmas and then react to me taking an Xmas vacation with my children by cutting the relationship and expunging me from her life when we returned – that I think now he saw it as the lesser of two evils.

Certainly his tip-off has helped me enormously. Reading up about BPD and hearing the stories of others has given me great reassurance and comfort and been empowering too. I know the hellish hurt, the shock, the numbing pain and feeling of loss. Like a death. The frustration and torment of having them in your mind 24/7. People say just think of something else; if only it were that easy…

It’s been two and a bit months now and I still think about her all the time. But slowly I’m understanding and accepting the extent of her disorder and the impossibility of my ever making sense of her decision to excise the one love and stable force in her life. Because as you say, savorydish, there is no logic. And it’s ALL about control and fulfillment of their own needs. I’m starting to accept that I could never, ever mend her and that no one else will until she has been through therapy (which I suspect she will not persist with anyway because it’s just too painful and she is only ever one cross word or unwelcome suggestion away from bailing out of ANY relationship, including therapist-patient).

I’m in my mid-40s, a level-headed kind of guy with a good job, two teenage kids and a great family. Never before have I been involved in anything so messed up. Simply put, it was a breakup I thought I would not survive. But it DOES get easier, slowly, over time, by small increments. Believe that it will. Because it does.

I’d like to thank everyone for sharing. I think part of the healing experience is knowing that you’re not alone. This is especially true for those who have had a borderline turn on them. But it also helps those borderlines who have accepted their condition and are working on getting better. Because it reminds them where they were, as opposed to where they are now.

Yes, there are a lot of douchey assholes out there who mean to belittle your experience. But their callousness only points to how emotionally damaged they are and how ignorant they are. These are people who think abuse and betrayal are acceptable. You can only imagine what their relationships are like.

But most of the people who tell survivors of borderline betrayal to “think of something else” have their hearts in the right place. They just don’t understand. This is why it is important for us to spread awareness. Every time I hear someone give out the advice to “move on” or “let go”, I immediately think they just don’t get it. Fortunately, those in the mental health field do. Those who know can validate your experience.  Eventually you will move on, but it has to be on your schedule. Not theirs. Never mind what the morons say.

The survivors of borderline betrayal have just been through a traumatic and surreal experience. It takes time to figure out what happened and recover. This is not your average break up. It’s an abusive co-dependent relationship with deep ties to your past.

Don’t listen to the Angry Teeny Boppers, most of them are still stuck in denial and trauma. Most are ignorant about their own mental health, don’t expect them to be savvy about yours. Some of these naysayers are borderlines in hiding. Like that last commenter said, it does get better. But unfortunately people who impede the process of healing are only extending the pain. Those who hold on to denial are left wounded.

There is a general ignorance when it comes to BPD. Even amongst the college-educated. They don’t get it, because they assume that a relationship with a borderline is a normal relationship. When it is anything but normal. They think it’s normal for someone to be head over heels for someone and then in a matter of weeks suddenly become disenchanted. It’s not normal, nor is it healthy. And those who say it is, are revealing their own ignorance and possible borderline tendencies.

All we can do is keep telling our stories, and hope the rest of the world catches on. Remember: you’re not alone. It doesn’t just affect men. It affects therapists, feminists, women and gays as well. Awareness is important for a lot of reasons, accountability being one of them.  A lot of borderlines stay in denial because society allows them to move from one victim to another, without any accountability for their destructive behavior. When they can no longer fly under the radar, they will be forced to acknowledge their disorder. And that is good news for everyone.

more on this topic at

An Unholy Union

Splitting Black. Welcome to the Darkside.

Yearning for the Unhealthy

18 Responses to “When Borderlines Cut You Out (revisited)”

  1. savorydish said

    Please continue sending me your stories. It’s the only weapon we have against this type of abusive behavior. There will always be Doubters and Haters. They will continue living in denial. They will continue to ignore the mountain of evidence. Evidence provided not only by survivors but the medical community.

    These are silent abusers in hiding. Part of their untreated behavior includes attacking the truth and belittling survivors. This is how these tortured souls sleep at night. They can try to continue their “advocacy” charade. But like their angry protests, their lies and manipulations can not stand up to what are well-documented facts.

    It is up to the survivors of BPD relationships, to uncover their act and spread awareness. It’s up to us to make sure the untreated don’t continue their abuse.

  2. savorydish said

    Unlike “normal” break-ups, a BPD break up feels worse because it is. I have had “good” break ups, where the two parties just walked away amicably. BPD break-ups are not the same. They are abusive in nature. There are millions of people around the world who can confirm this, including psychologists and other mental health professionals.

    It is the culmination of all the push and pull mind games that the BP has played with you up until this point. The borderline not only cuts you out of their life, they negate whatever emotional ties you had prior to the bp flipping the script. They kick you while you’re down.

    It’s this animosity that makes it so hard to cope. Prior to this, the BP has worked hard to strip away your defenses. A BPD relationship involves emotional ties coupled with an addiction. BPs usually leave when they know they’ve got you. They leave because they are freaked out by the intimacy they worked so hard to achieve.

    The shock of a one time lover all of sudden treating you like their worst enemy is a blow that will have lasting effects. This is not normal or healthy behavior. It destroys a person’s ability to trust. It leads to isolation and severe depression. Anyone who would suggest that this is an over-reaction is hiding borderline tendencies.

    To add insult to injury a borderline walks away unscathed. Because unlike their partners, they have no emotional investment. They may have fooled you into thinking they were as into you as you were into them. But this is a borderline illusion. A borderline’s notions of intimacy are shallow. That is not my opinion. That is scientific fact. You will know how shallow their love is by how efficiently they are able to cut you out of their life and how easily they are able to move on.

    Part of your recovery as a survivor, is educating yourself on why this break up has been so devastating. It is not your imagination. You are not the one that’s crazy. Don’t take my word for any of this. Do your own research.

    • savorydish said

      My BPD Recovery:

      I never thought that recovering from a crappy two year relationship would take so long, but clearly, the relationship was dysfunctional and it struck me hard. It made me question the way I thought, how I thought, and who I was.

  3. Jim said

    Same here. I am still in SHock. Reading here helps

  4. gettingoverit said

    Thank you so much for your blog. Finally someone who is saying exactly what I have been thinking and what needs to be said out loud about these unhealthy and toxic people. My ex replaced me with our neighbour and friend a few days before we broke up. Three weeks after we broke up, they were engaged. Lol. They were married about a year later. Of course both of them tried to move mountains so that I would never find out that they were dating let alone engaged. Nice. My ex also cut me completely out along with telling everyone I was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Nice x2. It turned out to be the worst break up I have ever gone through, along with police being called and false allegations. Nice x3. I had no idea what I was dealing with. I knew she was off, I just could not pin point what it was until after the break up and I did some online research. Once I put two and two together, it was like a light bulb went off. I’m glad she cut me out. It made the recovery a lot easier. Kinda like ripping a BandAid off rather than slowly pealing it away. Hurts like hell at first, but once you’re over the initial pain it gets better. Plus you don’t have to be reminded everyday what a useless tool they are. Just saying. Keep up your great blog. It helps more people than you can imagine.

  5. Earth Angel said

    This is my ex’s history. She is 42 and I am 38. This was my first same sex relationship. She told me most of her history within mere weeks of knowing each other. She is undiagnosed but clearly something is wrong.

    -Got pregnant with older, married man’s baby at 17
    -Gave baby up for adoption after she tricked him to leave his wife and sign over rights…then she dumped him on his arse.
    -Married man (near her age) she met while pregnant (“aborted” their baby after an argument with him).
    -Husband tried to kill himself (she left him after this, said that was selfish-ha)!
    -Husband left for a year to Hawaii.
    -Husband came back, cheated on her with his boss. Left her for boss who he got pregnant, married and eventually left for someone else.
    -Got into a polyamorous relationship with Valerie and her husband Ralph.
    -Valerie and Ralph split. Ex stays in relationship with Ralph for a year
    -Dates first actual girlfriend, Tammy.
    -Hangs out with bad crowd (drug dealers) ends up with Marne, leaving Tammy.
    -Meets Leesa in a bar who rescues her, moves her in and saves her from drugs.
    -Leaves Leesa for Tammy.
    -Leaves Tammy for Elizabeth who she meets in an S&M group.
    -Tammy and Leesa enter a relationship together (oy vey)!
    -My ex leaves Elizabeth and steals Tammy from Leesa.
    -Tammy and Ex move to Oregon from Illinois.
    -Elizabeth moves back home to Minnesota from Illinois.
    -Tammy and ex break up and Tammy moves to Illinois, My ex moves to Minnesota.
    -Ex is back with Elizabeth.
    -Tammy comes to town and sleeps with Ex.
    -Elizabeth dumps ex because she cheated on her.
    -Ex buys a house with help from her father and moves in Patricia.
    -Patricia is violent and rapes ex.
    -Ex tells Elizabeth who moves Patricia out and “rescues” ex.
    -Ex’s fathe[/b]r refuses to let Ex outright buy house for her and Elizabeth. Father shoves Elizabeth on porch.
    -Ex moves back in with Elizabeth and sues her father.
    -Ex sleeps with Tammy.
    -Elizabeth breaks up with Ex and enters into a 5yr partnership with Stac[/b]i right before a tropical vacation with ex.
    -Ex goes on Craigslist and meets Cari. Cari has a special needs child. They go on vacation and Cari stops talking to ex on trip, will not let her see her daughter after trip and never speaks to her again.
    -Ex moves to Wisconsin.
    -Ex starts dating a forensic detective named Lori.
    -After a year, Lori dumps ex. Ex gave her a ring and she gives it back. Ex claims Lori’s friends did not like her at all. Gee, wonder why? To this day there is still a picture of Lori and her dog on my ex’s FB and they don’t speak.
    -Ex starts dating Lori’s friend Linda #1. Linda #1 is a prison psychiatrist.
    -Ex dates Linda#1 for a year…fraught with conflict (shocking).
    -Ex loses job and gambles away 401K and racks up 25K in debt—on top of 30K worth of student loans for a degree she doesn’t have.
    -Ex dumps Linda #1 and meets another Linda #2 that helps her move to Illinois.
    -Ex moves back to Illinois (finds new job) and meets me (lucky me-ha ha). We start dating August 2012.
    -Ex tells me her ex Linda #1 (psychiatrist) was a “stalker” and she had to change her number and threaten a restraining order on her. She showed up several times un announced.
    -Ex is talking to Linda #1 (psychiatrist) one month into our relationship. Funny. How did she get her number?
    -Linda #1 finds girlfriend and moves to Missouri. Ex starts talking to Elizabeth whose relationship with Staci is “on the rocks”.
    -Ex rages at me over something really stupid. Scares me. I tell her I don’t think we should be together. I can’t rationalize what her issue is and her anger is more than what it should be at the topic-this is late Sept 2012. Ex cries and begs me to stay with her so I recant.
    -Ex leaves me for a week because I am unsure of being in a same sex relationship. Blocks my phone number so I can’t call her. We cannot communicate at all. She won’t even listen to me, Week of Halloween October 2012. Comes back to me a week later.
    -I have my holiday party and all is well. So much fun! Day before my friend’s holiday party ex picks fight with me. Keeps me on phone for two hours day of party crying and angry at me. I arrive to my friend’s house 2hrs late. I finally tell my friend I am in a gay relationship and just got dumped. I am happy someone finally knows. This is December 2012. Ex returns two days before Christmas.
    -Ex and I go away for NY. On NYD ex dumps me after we have appetizers with a friend. This is January 2013. Ex returns February 7th.
    -Ex mom has a stroke. I am supposed to come over and stay with her-the Ex not her mom. I oversleep (exhaustion from her antics) and wake up at 11:00pm. Call her and she is livid. She is DONE with me. I childishly block her before she can block me again. She starts emailing me like crazy saying “white flag, white flag”! I unblock her. She tells me she is done with us completely. Comes back a week later. This is late February 2013.
    -Ex’s ex, Elizabeth comes to town to visit in early May. I meet her for dinner with my ex. After the weekend is over ex tells me Elizabeth “tried to kiss her” (now I believe this happened) but she told her that was very rude and disrespectful of me, her girlfriend.
    -My best friend tells me she cannot be friends any longer because I am gay. I am so upset and sad I tell my ex I want to reschedule dinner plans for another day so I can process. This is my best friend since we were 15. Ex tells me “this is ridiculous. we are over”. This is May 30th 2013. Ex ends up making plans to see her Ex Elizabeth in Minnesota. Goes from wanting to be friends with me to threatening a restraining order. Tells me she wants no relationship with me, friend or romantic and to not contact her or she will call the police.
    -Ex says Elizabeth is her new girlfriend and drives out to Minnesota. Returns on July 7th calling me 50+ times on the way back. I stupidly take her back.
    -Due to lack of trust I start seeing ex less and planning more activities with friends and groups (yea me)! Ex mentions a mutual friend of ours (Rachel) she thinks likes her and would be interested if we were not together. Red flags!. I think my ex needs more friends so I am happy they are hanging out (dumb me).
    -Elizabeth starts a new relationship with a woman named Laura. Talks to my ex less now that she has been burned…years later.
    -Go to a bar with friends in late Sept 2013. It’s a weeknight so I leave at 9. My ex calls at 3am and tells me our mutual friend, Rachel is “too drunk to drive” so she takes her home. I am thinking…why is she still out at 3am?
    -In October 2013 I have a falling out with a friend and am very sad. It is a bad weekend as ex cannot understand why I am stressed. Two days later she dumps me. Tells me we are “too different” but I am a “lovely woman” who she loves very, very much and will always be there for. Tells me she loves me more than anything and I am her best friend (what she called Elizabeth prior to this moment). I continue to press why she is leaving then and she gets mad, tells me she would rather be alone than with me. Tells me I was never available in our relationship. Tells me she never wants to speak to me again and changes her number, blocks facebook and drops my meetup group I run (but stays in our mutual lesbian meetup groups).
    -November 9th 2013 catch Ex with our mutual friend, Rachel. Rachel is being caught in lies with all our friends. She has never been in a lesbian relationship and probably doesn’t want anyone to know. Rachel actually plans and takes me out for my birthday?
    -November 15th 2013- Ex and I have a heated email exchange. I tell her an ex emailed me and this is not all my fault, she is “not fully available” when it comes to love. She tells me I am “vindictive and vicious” and never to contact her again. She will NEVER trust me again. I spread all her personal info to others and she will NEVER have anything to do with me. She then tells me she is blocking her email.

    Currently it is presumed she is dating Rachel and has painted me a villain to everyone.

    It’s hard. This was my first gay relationship. Was I insecure? Yes. I needed her and unfortunately this was such a damaged person that never was going to happen.

  6. Winnie-the-pooh said

    Hi,
    I am so glad I found this page but I am so terribly devastated. I know this is a long one, I am sorry…but I am desperate in seeking some explanations and hope someone can relate.
    I don’t know for sure but I suspect that my ex suffers form borderline disorder as well.
    First we met October 2012, we talked for hours and there was an instant connection and ease that I had never had with anyone, however he seemed more interested than me as I wasn’t looking for anything at the time. I then buried myself in work and didn’t see him for 2,5 months because I had finished my thesis in that time. We then met as friends and instantly connected again. I could tell he felt the same way, it was an inexplicable connectivity that he still months later said he never had with anyone else and that he generally finds it hard to talk to people and even his friends apparently find it hard to talk to him.
    Anyway, at the end of the night – where he could hardly look me in the eyes- he said that he was kind of seeing someone else and that we should probably not meet again because it wouldn’t be fair to her. Which was quite a downer. I went home and wrote him an angry email that he could have mentioned that at the beginning of the meeting, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up but could have gone into it thinking that all he was seeking was friendship. At the time he was gone for business for 3 weeks. And two weeks after my rant I thought better of it and thought if we get along that well then friends is fine, and maybe he’d be worth the wait. He was relieved upon that and we set a date to meet again, this time with a third person, making it a more friendly setting. Again it felt like we knew each other forever (and it’s not like he made complements or pursued me) but it was obvious that he felt the same way about me as had i.
    We met another time for coffee and when I came home at night I wondered if that other girl still existed, because just how close we seemed it seemed impossible to me that she could still be around, so I called him and asked. His reply was that it wasn’t completely resolved yet, but that he was of the opinion that we were just friends. And I said that I didn’t understand how he would give me mixed signals then. He said he’d explain it to me later but wasn’t comfortable talking about it yet, maybe when we know each other better. So I said that if I sat across from him and it bothered me that there might be someone else, I am clearly not a friend and that I needed to step away until either he ends it or I stopped caring. I sent him a picture once from the mountains on a trainride I was on for a retreat for work, that he commented at, but after a short conversation that was all. Then we had no more contact. I sent him one message about 2 weeks later asking about a very important test I knew he had but there was no reply. Then I had bought some tickets where I told him to save the date, but he never even replied. Two weeks after that I wrote him an email saying that what he had done was not fair, that it is ok if he is with someone else but he shouldn’t have given me hope and that I needed to step back to accept his decision, but that treating me like air was not ok. About a week after that he replied that he couldn’t make it to the show because he was gone for business again just returning that night but would like to meet me for coffee the day after. So we did. And I asked him why he didn’t reply and he said he was afraid I would ask him the same question again and that he didn’t want to talk to me as long as the answer was the same. And I said “I’m not gonna ask anymore” and he said “ok , but just in case you did the answer is now “no”” meaning- he had ended it with the other girl. From then on we were getting together. However, then I had booked a vacation of 5 weeks with him leaving for another business trip a week prior to that, se we didn’t see each other for 6 weeks. He wrote daily. All the time. Was incredibly interested in me, my past, what I liked. Said if I needed anything he didn’t know how he’d help me but he would find a way. When I returned he waited for me at the airport. The next day we had our first real date. And our first kiss. Our time was amazing… The next weekend he was supposed to go somewhere with a visiting friend, but didn’t want to not see me so we planned a trip all three of us. Until then his friends stay got postponed for a week and it was the two of us ending up having the most wonderful weekend of my life. I cannot recall ever having been this much in love with anyone ever before. I felt like a teenager all over again with endless butterflies. However we still refrained from sex, as i had not done it in over a year because I hoped that someone worthy would appreciate that and he never pushed me for it either. He said he thinks it’s amazing that I respect myself that much and we’d wait until we were both ready. However since we had been in our three people room that weekend, we had shared a bed anyway and also the following week we’d spend almost every night together at his place, still not making love though. He was the sweetest guy. Bought flowers, showered me with compliments and text messages during the day. Would cook for me/with me every night I was there or take me to dinner. If I said I would go home so he’d get some sleep he would make up another dish and ask if maybe I’d come then. Then he was invited to a wedding back home in the US (bear in mind we both live in Europe but he’s American) and he asked me if I wanted to come and be his plus one, and that he’d never had a plus one before. It was new to him. I was out of my mind happy! Of course I would come. And on top he bought me a ticket! The wedding was 5 weeks later, however three weeks prior he was supposed to go to yet another business trip in the US, meeting me a few days before the wedding and then flying home together with me after- or so the plan. In the meantime – and all of this ‘high” happened in 3 weeks, he already talked about having a family with me, but how wrong it was to talk about it and how he shouldn’t do that. And how he was happy that he’d never have to have another first kiss with anyone because he found me, and he was nervous before first kisses. And how he can only have sex when he makes love, that he’d had one one-night stand in his life but that that was a huge mistake and he could only do it with feelings – which I found was great. Eventually we made love about 1,5 weeks into the official relationship because we were sure we’d do it at the wedding anyway and we both didn’t want that to be our first time. And as his leaving for the work trip was approaching we started to run out of time. He made vacation plans for a couple of trips he wanted to do with me over the year, signed up for a language course to learn my language. Came home form work early to meet me and cook for me. Asked if he could meet my parents at some point. And even imagined how we would meet his parents. But he also said that his mother was a bit not normal, how she would just find things wrong with anything she was doing or going to, and that he admired his father for being so mellow. That his sister think his mother should get help but she refuses to and hence won’t get better. At another time he said that he thinks he’s becoming more and more like his mother but overcompensating it by being too active, and doing too many things (hiking, meeting friends every night I wasn’t around or working incredible hours, running marathons) pretty much anything just to not be alone and not busy. He also said that when he was a kid his parents sent him and his sister to shrink for one hour but that he didn’t need to be there because it was only because his sister had been acting out- which according to him was normal teenage behavior (I know now specifics). Everything though was pure harmony, and we were so incredibly in love. He even met my best friend within 2 weeks. Then one day, he was at my place and when I came in from the kitchen he stood up and said “wait, I wanted to tell you that I really really really like you”…my heart melted!!! Later we were at his apartment, after making love we got into talking. He admitted that already on our first meeting where we connected like that and he could harldy look at me, he wanted to kiss me, but he couldn’t. It wouldn’t have been right. And I asked him if I had been the reason he broke up with the other girl, and why he hadn’t done it sooner. Then it turned out that she hadn’t been his girlfriend, but that he was her affair since she had a boyfriend. They knew each other from work and after work drinks and had been the last two at the bar too many times and so it started. They only saw each other once, max twice a month, because nothing else was possible and went on a skiing weekend together. It ended because she wouldn’t break up with her boyfriend, but they had no more contact. I was immensely hurt over that, because I felt like I was the replacement that had been stupid enough to wait around for him. He told me all he loved about me, and that he did have feelings for her but not like for me, that he never felt like this for anybody before. And beat himself up terribly for not having given me a clean start. He said I deserved it, and that’s why he had waited two months after the breakup and before meeting me again, but that he couldn’t change that he had met her before him and I met again as friends in the first place, when he told me so late about her existence. I wanted to gohome so I could calm down and think ( however in my pain I failed to explain the why) and he started crying. Begging me to stay. So I did. For him. Then we spent the night at my place, he went home to do some work and I was supposed to meet him there at night after I did my laundry. I found it so hard to leave the house without tears that I came a little late. He had cooked, though I was of the opinion we woulnd’t eat together, so I said I wasn’t hungry, I just couldn’t eat, which I think he saw as rejection. After that night, in the morning we were both really hurting. It was sort of a cold ‘bye’ kiss. And then the week he was relaly busy with work ( the last week before he left for his business trip) and pretty much froze me out. He didn’t reply to texts, the one night during the week we were supposed to meet he said he wouldn’t be able to make it, that I shouldn’t wait. Then I asked him to talk to me, that I would explain my ex relationships and why that would explain my reaction. He scheduled that for Saturday. I pressed for Friday, arguing that then we could get it over with and at least spent a great Saturday together before he had to leave for the US on Sunday. So he agreed. But rather than having a good talk about it he came and I was talking to a wall. He broke up with me right then and there, reasons being “I’m not good for you”, “you’re better off without me” “I would probably cheat on you someday anyway” “there are a few little things he noticed about me that would probably drive him crazy someday” “he couldn’t be with a person like me, he couldn’t be happy with someone like me” I said “but I asked you to come today rather than tomorrow so we could make things right, so obviously you want to make things right” and his reply was “I just came today so I could leave now and enjoy the rest of the weekend” (when earlier before coming he even wrote we could go to dinner the same night?!?) etc. so he went from being awfully in love, to silencing me out, to breaking up without even talking. He said he’d always left before problems came up, he didn’t think that a relationship should have to have problems….little did I know that he saw my wanting to go home during the fight as me wanting to leave him…I didn’t! but I think he just really didn’t believe that. When all i wanted was to calm down.
    Then he left. He said I could keep the ticket that he wouldn’t get refunded for it anyway. And he knew I had printed it out already. I wrote him a letter trying to explain things,and asking him not to run from love, that I was patient and forgiving and real. And that I really really cared about him, and that I would fly there and wait at the airport until he’d come pick me up. Well the date approached, and just a day prior I called the airline to confirm, and they then said that the ticket had just been cancelled a day before. So he stewed over that for nearly three weeks, just to cancel it then? Not right away? I was so hurt I took a quick weekend trip elsewhere, however I felt so lonely that I sent him a text message saying that I really missed him. The response was that he sent me a friend request on facebook. ( I had previously not wanted that because I found that you should get to know each other in real life and not stalk each other down). I accepted, he wrote “good morning” and then that was it. Additionally I only got limited access to his site, while mine was all open to him. I saw a few albums but nothing that people could post on his wall.
    Soon after that he returned form the trip and the wedding and I asked if I could drop something off, however he did not want to meet at his apartment but offered to meet for coffee instead. I was happy since I just wanted to drop something off but now got to actually sit with him. Unfortunately as I was waiting (I’m always early) some guy approached me and tried to flirt, and my ex saw that, which of course would not make things better. He’s more the jealous type! So during our conversation he looked at other girls really obviously too (which he’s never done when we were together) and tried to make me jealous during the talk as well. I figured I had no right to be jealous, since he had broken up with me. All he said was how great he was doing but I could tell he was doing miserable. I gave him my gift – which was a self-made book about how we met, our visions, what we learned about each other, and what the future might hold, as well as how much I cared about him and missed him, it was a pretty great book I must even say so myself). He then took it home (probably relieved that it wasn’t his sweater that I gave back to him that I still had). A few days later he out of nowhere sent me a text with a link to a song that they played at the wedding. I started a small talk and then asked about the hike he planned to do and if he thought about taking me with him or not, and he then didn’t reply anymore. Then there was an event in the city that I texted him if he wanted to go to with me and that I could get tickets..no answer…no answer to anything. Suddenly during the event he swam next to me in the water…oddly enough he didn’t see me and I just escaped to get away I was so hurt. I then wrote him another email a while later, suggesting to reset, take things slow, suggested a couple of things to do, like an open air etc. yet another while later I couldn’t stand the silence and called his phone from one where he wouldn’t recognize the number and ta-dah he answered. He said that he was really not ok, that he couldn’t be with anybody right now at all, and that it would probably take years and that all he could offer was friends. So I said ok. There was then a museum night in the city that I suggested we go to together, but he said he’d already made plans but I could join. I said I didn’t think it wise to start a reunion with his friends around that had never even met before and we’d better do it another time. Then the day approached and he started writing. Kept asking where I was at with my friend, and oddly enough whichever museum we went to they would also go there next, and so he kept chasing me through the town until in the end he split form his group and came straight to where I was. Here the most magical thing happened: he (being drunk) admitted that he was just really really really scared, and if we could re-set and start over. That everything with us went so fast and so intense, and that he thinks he’s to blame for it, because he pushed me into going fast and I let him push me. And that the speed and intensity of us was scary.and so he asked if we could start over slowly. I agreed. He also admitted that he didn’t like himself very much and didn’t find himself lovable. And that he couldn’t forgive himself. I told him that he’ll need to learn that. He said he never had to grow up before in a relationship but that for me he would. Then I said we shouldn’t be spending the night together. Of course we did anyway. When we got to his place he held me like never before, like he was terrified to ever lose me. Kept kissing my forehead. Kept making sure that I knew just how much he never wanted to lose me, and the making love part was amazing beyond measurement. He’s a highly intelligent, very driven, very good at his job man, (same age as me) who works hard and long hours and who’s very much under pressure from work. We met again later on that week in a bar, where he talked all about work and beat himself up again for having given me that rocky start. And how it wasn’t right, it wasn’t right. I said I had forgiven him, obviously he hadn’t. then I went away for the weekend to meet my family, and we were supposed to meet when I came back but already then he’d started to be weird again. Said he didn’t have time..if he wrote at all…a week later I tried it again ( with a week of silence in between), wanted to meet him at the finish line of a run he was doing. He agreed. I waited at his place while he took a shower and then we went for dinner and drinks. He’d been very very distant the entire night. It was painful. But yet he went home with me. He asked me to kiss him gently, and said that he wants to do whatever makes me happy, he just wants to make me happy. Then the next morning he left so early I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was meeting friends that visited from the US and spent the weekend with them (the couple that we were supposed to go the weeding to), on his way there I got a text saying he should have gone home last night. Again my world fell apart. Hadn’t he just two weeks earlier PROMISED me that the next time those panic attacks occur (which he said will probably happen again) that he’d talk to me. He said it wouldn’t be easy but he would do it. He further wrote “ I know you don’t believe me but I really only want to be friends” , I argued a bit more but the last word I got was “friends is all I can offer”. I agreed. Then…silence…three weeks later I wrote him a text and just asked “hey, what have you been up to” we started engaging in a back and forth with the end being that he was out with two friends (also visitng, two guys this time) and they were drinking, and I met them at a club. He met me outside. Apologized. Said that his head was different from everybody else’s and that he has to explain it to me. ( I said we should do it when you’re sober…stupid stupid stupid me) I also told him we need clear rules, this can’t continue like this. He agreed, said rules are good. Then kept wanting to protect me, form cars and passengers etc. he was so sorry for what he keeps doing to me. I asked him “when this happens again, what do you want me to do, do you want me to wait? To not give up? To give you space? Or do you want me to leave? Because if you do, I will” and he paused and said “no, please wait, please don’t give up on me”. We spent the night together again. Needless to say every night we ever spent together he held me in his arms, or my hand on his heart. The night was amazing. He made breakfast, made plans for “when we’d see each other daily again”, said “I only ever want to make love to you” ( rough sex was out of the question), looked at my belly again as if he wished I was pregnant, spread my hair he had on his shirt on his couch and said “now I marked your territory”. All super sweet things, even if a little odd. But when I left I tried to play it cool to reduce the pressure he felt. Saying “so, you’ll get in touch whenever you do” he pulled me back said that this week he was gone for business again but that the following Monday he’d be back” and I said “well then write occasionally and let me know when you’re back”. He pulled me back again and kissed me one more time. It was amazing how close we felt again, in spite of the pain in between our get back togethers. This time I was sure..it would be ok. I realized later I had forgotten my jewelry at his place..but it would be ok, right? Again. little did I know…he did write me that day that I had left still. Wrote me how he can still smell me…all lovey-dovey..
    Then the week I heard nothing. When I wrote if he was back..nothing, when I wrote when we’d see each other…nothing, when I then asked so is Friday or Saturday better for you, we still have to talk, I am still excited about what you wanted to tell me about your head. All I got was “ sorry can’t do it”. And that kept going on like this, he just refused to meet me and to talk to me. I was angry so I told him to send me my jewelry. He did. The next morning I said that we should talk, he said “no”. I said that I was really in love with him but that this was hurting me. And he just said “ I am not good for you. I won’t be good for you.” I wrote “why are you panicking again?” he wrote “I’m not panicking. I don’t want to be with you”. I wrote that I didn’t believe that, that he was so in love the last time I saw him and had so much love in his eyes..but nothing. Then I had to go away for business for 10 days. Had the most horrible trip of all times and because I felt so alone I posted it on facebook. There I saw he was online every two hours..normally he’s there max once per day ( and normally I also never post anything) but I was so lost and scared that I had to communicate it to the world. I assume he was worried about me and checking on me this way. I then wrote him an email about work (once I arrived), which he did reply to. For him it was a quite lengthy reply, but very strictly professionally, no private word. When I returned there was a few days overlap until I knew he’d fly home to visit his parents for 2,5 weeks. So before he left I had sent him a letter, giving him a rational approach explaining why I needed to “know” and “communicate” things and that it would just give me some peace of mind and that his space would be much more bearable to me if I had that, and also an emotional approach that he should think about losing me and whether he’d want me to think ( in the case if anything happened to me – not that I am suicidal but because of the last trip I had had those scary thoughts) that he didn’t want to be with me, or his actual real feelings. And I made a power point presentation about 5 steps easing into a relationship, explaning how he had it all under control, and how nothing would be rushed until he was ready to progress. He workds in a very organized way and loves order and steps and power points, so I thought it was cute. It was also the first letter where I wrote that I loved him and what I loved about him and missed about him in detail!…here I thought while he’d be home he could let that think and be calmer…HA…when I came home that night that he received that letter he had deleted me from facebook!!!! So that was his reply. I couldn’t’ see much on his site anyway, yet, he could still see almost everything on mine, because not my wall but at least the pictures are still public. I tried calling but his phone was off. I then wrote him a message on facebook saying that I had no idea what happened but that deleting my here or cutting me out via a text message was like a 13 year old without any decency. And that I would let him go if he wanted that but that I at least deserved an honest conversation. He read that about 35 minutes later but never replied. He then returned form his vacation at home on his birthday that he was fearing because he thought he reached an age where his life was over. He wanted to keep it light, however last tie we got back together he was more than happy when I said that of course I wanted to spend it with him. Well, things had changed, he had cut me out. And though he knew I had a present for him for a looong time already he still hadn’t reached out in the time since he deleted me.i felt he didn’t deserve that present and ignored his birthday as a whole. But wrote him the weekend after if he wanted to decorate my Christmas tree with me. ( we had initially planend to have one together once, but he apologized there too that he had no equipment for it while I had it) I had made him an advent calendar, with tiny gifts for each day throughout December, and a special gift on his birthday and Christmas. Collecting lots of little things I knew he’d like, and some “fillers” for other days. I went to his home when I knew he’d be at work, rang one of his neighbors doorbells and had them let me in to the house, and dropped it in front of his door a few days before Christmas. I never heard from him. Oddly enough, when I dropped the present it smelled like a fresh Christmas tree out of his window. Reminding me of him also doing all the fun activities I suggested we do together, alone or without me while we were broken up and then later telling me about it. I even once posted a motorcycle on facebook and boom…he goes motorcycling…I say I went to rowing..boom he was thinking about re-joining a rowing club. He always does everything I say, but he leaves me outside. I wonder if he’s trying to proof a point that he doesn’t need me? Also the picture he took of us on that weekend getaway we had in the beginning, I keep asking him to send it to me but he says he doesn’t have it. What’s up with that? Once he said he had transferred it on his max, deleted it from his phone but hadn’t uploaded it yet…later he doesn’t have it at all?
    So I wished him a merry Christmas text message on Christmas…no reply…I wrote him that I hope to see him new years eve midnight to kiss and leave the crap in the past year…nothing…new year’s eve I wrote if he was ok and if he was in the city with friends?…no reply…I don’t even know if maybe he’s blocked me or not. I don’t dare calling. And the imessage will always say ‘delivered” but it would also do that when I’m blocked. I had sent him an email yesterday saying that I get that he’s angry at the word and that it’s ok how he feels but that it was not ok for him to treat me that way. And that I am very patient and forgiving and don’t want to give us up, but if that is his wish and if he wants to be left alone I would do it but if he stopped caring that at least he could give me closure, that that should be easy for him then, because I am hurting and crying myself to sleep and breaking down on the floor crying. I sent it with an email tracker, however that email has apparently not been opened by him yet…so now I am really not sure at all if maybe he blocked me or deleted it without looking at it?
    Oddly enough he only unfriended me from facebook and didn’t block me. And while the public cannot send him friend requests anymore ( which was a setting he changed two weeks after he unfriended me, WITHOUT me trying for it, or contacting him in any way) I saw it as a general problem he has with the world right now and not only me. I figured if it was only about me he’d just block me, this way I couldn’t even find him anymore, nor send him a message there if I wanted to. Still I can’t see anything on his site, he can at least see my pictures… so I reckoned too that he wants to be somehow able to see what I am doing????
    Anyway that freezing me out part has been going on for a little over two months now. It’s about the time where we usually find each other again.
    I am soo upset and worried he won’t be back this time. I wonder if he liked the present, I wonder what happened to the picture, I wonder why he left…why he just so left???? How can one not turn around? Or care what they are doing to someone else…cold turkey? How is it possible? Will he be back? Should maybe I block him on facebook so he knows what it feels like t be shut out, or would he even notice? Why can’t I get closure. When I ket saying that I would let him go if it was his wish. But he asked me to wait for him and give him time, and I said if he changed is mind it was, but that he should only tell me so I know where I’m standing. Is it likely he blocked me and doesn’t receive my messages? I don’t know what to do. And I am spiraling down in a depression. Mourning the loss of the man I loved. I don’t get how one minute you’re so happy and make plans for a future together and the next you’re gone? And it was only when I saw the pattern that I had come to think that there might be something wrong with him other than fear. The first time I thought it was fear, the second time he came back rather quickly so I thought too that it was just panic… but now it got me thinking. And none of my friends understand. They all say “he doesn’t want you, let it go” “if he loved you he wouldn’t just leave like that” “he’s gone, move on” and that is so hurtful. They have no idea how deep I am in this…and how much effort and love I put in. I just want some explanation, and I wish I knew what will happen, will I see him again? Should I delete all contact? I want to send another email, saying goodbye and thinking him for the time with me…but will this make things worse? Would he feel abandoned and justified in his leaving? Would he feel safe again because now I am gone, and then find that he doesn’t even want me gone? I just don’t know what to think anymore…I am I so much pain and agony…I just want him back!

  7. Winnie-the-pooh said

    Small update – i just learned that my cell phone number and home phone number have been blocked by him. Also my email was never opened. That also means he didn’t get my wishes for new years and christmas i guess ( depending on when he did block me). Last time i tried was in November when he had un-friended me so i wouldn’t know since then.
    I am so desperate, i dont know what to do. What happened? What happened to the sweetest guy on earth? He’s never been violent with me or himself either, and never picked a fight or accused me of anything. But just dead and gone? Because i showed patience and love???

    • savorydish said

      Hey Winnie,

      We can all relate to that sense of desperation. But in time, you will wonder why all the fuss. You are in the eye of the storm. You need distance and perspective. You need to focus on getting you back.

      It’s pretty obvious this guy has intimacy issues. I get that you feel connected. But you must ask why you are connected to someone who is so unstable. He is playing you like a yoyo and you can’t get enough. You must now question why you are longing for a man who is emotionally unavailable.

      Even if you do get him back you are basically inviting misery back into your life again.

      SD

      • Winnie-the-pooh said

        Thank you very much for your kind reply SD. Reading the forums and being able to share the story really helps. I had no idea this was so common, and many of the stories read so much alike.
        I know it would be best to focus on getting out of this and getting better. Funny enough I have a pretty good sense of self. I had a happy childhood and no problems with my parents or siblings. I’ve also never been with a BDP guy. I do tend to pick men that turn out to not be ready yet, but not all of them. So it’s not a pattern. And in between I usually let 2-3 years pass because I find I need to be in a good place, and they don’t deserve to pay for other people’s mistakes. And though I have no self worth issues I do find that when I get loving attention, like from him, when someone admires me, and does anything to make me happy, I develop a desperate need to cling onto that. And because it was beyond amazing with him, i want him back, it felt real. Though i don’t need to be admired by him, a normal healthy relationship would be my dream. Is it possible that maybe because I told him that I was ok if he would see his friends without me, or we’d spend days apart, or if all we had was 3 minutes I’d be fine with that, that this made him think I didn’t really care? How could I have known that acting not-jealous and giving freedom would ultimately mean that I’d abandon him? Or did he just really not care about me and all was fake? I really can’t grasp how all the plans and intense love and feelings he showed just hours before he split back again vanish so quickly?
        The letter I sent him before this last and worst split back ever in november, I regret sending it each day now. I tried to be understanding, wrote that I would be stable and there, and had been for a year now, but that if he wanted a break or wanted to start over with someone new that he thought would be better- who would I be to stand in his way? And if he needed time, i would be ok if he told me that’s what he needed. And now I beat myself up for having triggered an abandonment fear- even though I also said that I really loved him (for the first time there) and that i was glad he had started to let me in.
        Un-friending me, blocking me, he even deleted a shared folder we had on dropbox a day after he’d read my letter, as I saw today. This seems so radical this time, that I am losing hope that he’ll ever calm down.
        I really just don’t know what happened. I get fear but just vanishing in thin air? Who does that? When we were together he told his friends here about me. He was so happy that he had me. Constantly thrived to get things right (big fear of doing things wrong or saying something wrong constantly!) and told me how beautiful I was. Told his hair dresser about me, saying that he finally can say that he has me, that he so far always has only been alone. And the discussed with her that he wanted to buy car even and wasn’t sure whether he should get a fun car or a family car right away. Even his boss had noticed something was different because he told me that his boss said to him “you look as if you have no care in the world”.
        Also last time we got together – it surprised me myself because I thought it’d take more time to feel this home and arrived again – but it felt like we always had really quickly. So maybe because of this, and especially through the closeness of making love he had another episode? I had asked him how he can just ignore me for weeks and why he doesn’t ever reply, if he doesn’t think of me at all? And he said “no, I do I think of you a lot” and as to why then he wouldn’t write he only said “I don’t know”. He’s never been violent, or picked a fight, or accused me of anything. He’s the sweetest guy, was never violent or verbally aggressive, but it is either the brightest white or the gonest-gone. The thing is that the other times he was gone he would at least reply to a text after about a month or even meet me, but this time nothing. Nearly two months of complete silence and deleting me! I am so scared that this time he won’t come around. Blocking me out like this…? I doubt he’ll undo it. Over the summer he said he to him it was clear that he’d come back, but he also said that had i not contacted him he wouldn’t have come by himself. And I really don’t think it wise to come up with any way of contacting him at the moment. I am just wondering if I should/could in a few weeks time.
        I am dying for a reuinion or at least closure. But I don’t I want to stalk him down and it looks fairly obvious that he cut me out and wants no contact (aside the fact that he only unfriended me and didn’t block me from fb, which would be my choice if I wanted someone gone out of my life, but i reckon it also sounds like i am grasping for any straw of hope here). I just want a decent conversation. If he can funtion at work then why can’t he sit through a “break up talk”? I assume that if he were to look at me he probably couldn’t hide his feelings in his eyes, he never could. Is he afraid to get weak again if he saw me? How much time does he need? Or will he just move on, forget all about me and never look back? Did this turn into hate for him and feeling stalked or threatened if he now blocked me- even though i didn’t even text, or call for 7 weeks at all?Or does he mourn me too, if he says he’s not good for me, does he do this to protect me from himself? does he know he won’t get better? does he drown in self loathing when he thinks of what he’s done to me and wants to avoid thinking this and hence avoids me???
        And how do you get out of this post vanish in thin air without a word break up?
        I feel empty, and useless, broken like I’ll never heal again. If at least I saw it coming…or it was eroding down…but it was full speed to full stop and somehow I just don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t even want to bug my friends because I don’t want to sound like a broken record.

      • savorydish said

        You are over analyzing the situation. You must accept that this is who he is. You can not outsmart BPD. You can only detach yourself and learn from your mistakes.

      • Winnie-the-pooh said

        I have accepted it, i just don’t want to make things worse. It wasn’t until this last split that i had realized that he was troubled beyond “normal” fear even, i was completely not aware of the disorder. And now that i know i fear i get no more chance…

  8. Michael said

    I’ve gotten to know this girl for 4 months and we’ve gotten pretty close. I am recently separated in a marriage with 2 children and shes been single the whole time (wanted to remain that way, just got out of a bad long term relationship). It took 3 months and hanging out 5 times to have sex, there wasn’t much opportunity. She said she was hesitant because she knew I liked her and I showed signs of potentially getting attached. However, after the fact she sees I was fine and respected her independence. Weeks before and pretty much the whole month after, nothing really changed. We worked together so I gave her rides to work many times, we got in the habit of texting late into the night every night, we had started hanging out more and I could tell she was starting to trust me and become more open with which made me feel great. After we got together, I feel like she warmed up to me a lot and it felt really good that her and I were getting closer. We never really established what our relationship was, which was probably not a good idea because it only left room for confusion at times. Things were going really well up until last week where she asked me to come over and drink with her (when we hung out outside of work drinking was usually included although not everytime) this was before out of the blue texting that she feels like a horrible daughter. So I go over and we get pretty drunk, she eventually blacks out as usual (easily prone) all seems ok, I’m kissing her off and on and getting touchy-feely and then she seemed like she got annoyed and started kinda getting at an attitude, she brought up an old situation that I thought we had moved past, she started yelling asking why I’m so obsessed, that I’m crazy, why did my wife leave me, and that I should just go back to her…i eventually calmed her down and told her I’m not obsessed and that I just really like her and that I enjoy what we have, I reminded her that i don’t try to control her, or stop her from doing ultimately what she wants to do, she agreed and seemed to feel better so i ask for a kiss and hug and go home. The next day Im a bit concerned and wonder if she remembers so I text her, she says she’s ok shortly after on my way to work I drive over to her place without asking, to drop something of hers off. I had never stopped by unannounced before but I text that I’m there and she tells me to give them to her at work, I ask can she come out she says No!!!!! I say I just wanna talk she says I dont fuckin care…now this is unusual as she has never really been so aggressive, or angry over text but I guess had good reason to. I continue to text and call a few times, asking her to come out and talk to me, she continues to text in a mean screaming manner. I end up leaving after a few minutes and text a bunch apologizing, how much I care, and asking if things are alright and to text when she’s feeling better, with no reply. 4 hours later she sends sorry for being mean to you, we text for a little bit before she crashes out. I get the sense she’s not really in the mood for taking so I decide not to respond to her text later that night when she says she’s awake again and I refrain from texting the next day to give her space. At 1am the following evening she texts “you didn’t text me today?” this was a bit confusing but I felt a little better because it made me feel that she noticed and cared. I tell her I was with friends, just got home but try to start a convo, she says it’s ok she’s going to bed, I tell her Ill talk to her tomorrow. So in the afternoon I do but all her replys are short, careless, seeming to be in a bad mood. I ask if things are still good between us and tell her she can talk to me about anything cause were friends and she said “we’re fine. Friends yea.” Not sure how to take that I tell her she’s seemed a lot different lately and that I sense something is wrong… But to try to wrap this up, we text again the next day it goes a little better but she’s still not fully herself, the day after that I actually see her for the first time when I stopped by her job, and things seem overall ok but still I sense something’s up…like I could tell she didn’t want me to stay long when usually I would keep her company for hours, and I asked for a hug before I left and she said no…Here’s the shocker, at 2am that night I get a call from her drunk (she never calls, only text) she’s happy, nice, and talks like everything is back to normal so i feel relieved. We talk for 45 minutes then 30 min after that she texts thanking me for talking with her smiley face and goodnight Michael like she used to do. Things seem ok and I sleep a good night. I dont text her at all Saturday cause I know she’s busy (usually the weekend I try not to because I know she’s out doing stuff) but I do Sunday evening..she’s seemed to have gone back into that unenthusiastic mood and this was less than 2 days after the call! Monday I text her late, she says she’s already falling asleep so that’s short lived. Tuesday I expect her to be at work cause shed been off for 3 days. Come to find out she quit her job on Friday (the last day I saw her, the night she called me and failed to mention anything about it). I text asking if she still works there and that I was gonna bring her favorite coffee drink and i get nothing back. Then around midnight I ask if she’s up and nothing. This is one out of the 2 or 3 days out of the 4 months we’ve known each other where she didn’t reply at all. Now I’m torn about what to do. This is a friendship and I want her to know that I value it, enjoy spending time with her and don’t want to lose her as a friend. It’s possible she may be depressed, going through some turmoil with her parents/family situation, more recently since I originally wrote this BPD has been brought to my attention and it’s making sense of almost everything but who knows for sure. I was so confused for almost 2 weeks after that…I’m worried if I don’t text and try to give her space she’ll think I don’t care (or abandoning her). But we’re just friends and she made it clear that she didn’t want more so I don’t see why I can’t express my concern without her thinkng it’s weird…who knows maybe she won’t. I finally got her attention after texting over 20x, most was when I was drunk…she asked why was I being so crazy and that I reminded her of her exes who got obsessed and attached and had to cut out of her life, I tell her I’m not and just wanting an explanation, she says she doesn’t need to cause she’s not my girlfriend and I should just leave her alone. I tell her to be an adult she said don’t tell me how to fuckin be fuckin idiot dude I swear..thank god I was drunk cause it defiantly softened the blow and shock of all this but basically I ask her a few more questions she doesn’t answer them, makes it seem like she doesn’t really know how to answer them, like she’s not even sure herself what happened so I said thanks I’ll leave you alone that’s all I ask. I enjoyed being your friend, I’ll miss you and feel free to text anytime, I’m here for you (this was before realizing the whole borderline thing) her last response was “K” and that was it…now it’s been almost 2 weeks since we talked and I really don’t see her coming back, altho I know she is extremely lonely and doesn’t have close friends and I was a huge part of her life for a while there..just hoping for some insight on this…(I wrote most of this a 2 weeks ago and have just edited and updated)

    PS – from what I’ve read, I know that it’s common the blame yourself and try to figure out where I went wrong or what I could’ve said or done differently but that really doesn’t matter in the end cause it’s inevitable that somewhere down the road this would’ve happened. However, I feel that those first 2 nights (after the last time we hung out and she had that drunken outburst) I didn’t text her late into the night as was our habit, may have actually been the point where she may have finally felt or expected the abandonment and decided the split me black…I had no idea about this before and only saw it as giving her space but also saw that she couldve misunderstood it as something out of the ordinary us not texting late 2 nights in a row when it wasn’t a weekday and that she would be bitter or confused about it…just thought I’d mention that

    Thanks for listening
    Michael

    Sent from my iPhone

  9. Rose said

    A Survivor’s Tale…I dated a borderline female for six years ….I fell in love … we built a successful business together and traveled all over the US enjoying life and each other …then one day….I read one of her email’s to a college friend of hers and discovered that she had been been feeding them slanderous lies about me….lies that portrayed me as an evil abusive villian and her as a hopeless victim….her friends hated me and I never knew… right then and there, I sat down and composed an email to set the record straight…did they believe me.. who knows…turns out she kept all her ex’s numbers in her phone and called them regularly in rotation for dates and sex….she was never faithful during the entire 6 years that we were together… she lied constantly about the smallest most unimportant things ….she was totally incapable of apologizing… no matter what she did wrong or how horrible she acted …she never took responsibility for her actions…she only had two emotions fear and anger..no remorse..no pity for others.. the rest of the time just dead inside….all emotions had to be analyzed in her mind and came out as fear and anger …she really did not have any coping skills whatsoever…..per her.. every argument was my fault… and the reason she turned to others for comfort was my fault…the reason she dumped me for another person, my fault ….in the end… all I can say is it must be nice to have the ability to rewrite your reality whenever you screw up and blame the world and others for your problems … silly me, I loved the guts out of her…. imagine loving a person to that degree…then realizing they lack the mental maturity to handle lengthy relationships…they love whoever they happen to fantasize and idolize at the moment…..truly it’s a shame …and shame on her for not telling me the truth about what she called “her issues” let’s call it what it is..”her crazy issues”…and hame on her parents for not being there for her growing up …and shame on me for not having the strength to leave sooner and the zillions of times that I went back… only to discover that each time you go back they treat you worse…now..after many tears, pain, suffering and prayers…I have let go complete NC …no contact.. is the only defense…. I have her her number blocked forever …also I am looking into my own codependent or abandonment issues trying to figure out why the hell I stayed with her so long..but here is the kicker… before I left I got to meet my replacement …I can only describe what she is doing to that poor unsuspecting wretch… as grooming.. she will prey upon him like a vampire and leave him victimized bloody and broken… poor sucker …and here is to the clencher of the whole story …she is a doctor herself…

  10. DC said

    I went through the same as pretty much everyone here…..was all going so well yet I could tell things weren’t quite right. Sort of like there were things she just wouldn’t open up about and everything was always someone else’s fault. The idolisation and love she felt for me was sometimes quite overwhelming and didn’t quite add up. 4 months extremely intense passed….not blissfully happy as she was up and down almost everyday. But we had developed a kind of co-dependancy where we could talk (sometimes for hours) and it would be all fine and even brought us closer together. I genuinely thought we could cope with anything! Once afternoon I asked her (what I thought) was a very simple question about a business venture with an ex bf. That was it! The anger snowballed into an avalanche from Hell!!! Within 24 hours I was blocked on all social media, her number was changed, if I contacted her again she would go straight to the police. Using some of the most personal and intimate moments between us to make me sound like an absolute monster. She actually said she wants to ruin my name amongst other comments. I honestly can say I’ve never experienced hatred like this in my life….and considering all the life plans we had discussed and planned I’m still in complete shock. This was once month ago and blocked on all platforms….some very sporadic contact but only to vent absolute hate and vengeance. Doubt I will ever fathom this out and that’s the worst bit.

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