Nothing New

March 31, 2011

Sorry, no new posting today. I’ve been busy entertaining the troops over in the comment section at this ole post. Nothing new for longtime readers. Different troll. Same old tricks. I sometimes wonder if they realize they’re all following the same script. It’s funny because they think they’re so creative, but it’s the same schtick every time. It’s like they all went through the same boot camp.

Anyhoo, new posts are in the works. Including my response to a recent Tigerbeatdown post involving gun control and crazy people. New comments from survivors in the Lovers and Haters tab above. Have a good night. Feels like summer is upon us.

Narcissism Animated

March 29, 2011

I found this xtra normal animated vid on YouTube. I felt like I was watching an exchange between me and my ex. This particular one reminded me of our last night together. I had confronted her about a guy she was texting. That night my parents had taken us both out for dinner, and once again she was busy texting away. I questioned her about the texts and she got really defensive. She accused me of being jealous and told me the guy was just a friend.

She got so mad at me, she made me give her house keys back and she kicked me out of her place. The next day she apologized but insisted we take a break. Well a few days later, she confessed that she had sex with the “friend”. And now she is accusing me of abusing her.  These are the mind fucks you can expect when you get involved with a person who has troubled past.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you need to detach immediately. If he/she is blaming you for all the problems, that means they have zero self-awareness. This is a no-win situation. There is no way to work things out with a person who is this irrational. I know it’s hard to leave , but your well-being is at stake. The longer you stay, the more screwed up you will be.

A narcissist is twisted and you can not straighten them out. As this vid’s title states- it’s pointless to argue with a narcissist. The woman in this vid is in denial. That means the truth causes her great pain. Confronting narcissists with logic and facts will only make them angrier. I confronted my ex with the truth and she punished me by having sex with another man. This is how fucked up these people are. Get out while you can.

Just when we thought bigotry and “demonizing the other” had gone out of style, fiscal conservatives (aka money grubbers) have brought it back one more time. Unfortunately, they are appealing to the lowest common denominator- Using mantras like “Let’s take our country back!” and “Secure our borders!”

Who are these people who have supposedly taken our country away from us? Do they look like these people…

Or maybe they look like these people

This racist commercial was paid for by a secret society known as Citizens Against Government Waste. The name would make it seem like this is an org run by ordinary joes like you and me. Well, it turns out they are not so ordinary. It turns out their funding comes from some pretty big Wall Street names. Perhaps you’ve heard of some of them?:

Philip Morris kills millions of citizens a year and now they want us to believe they have our best interest at heart? Really?

Long-time friend of Wall Street, Donald Trump has decided it’s his patriotic duty to run for President. Because he thinks Obama isn’t American enough.

He also thinks China is “eating our lunch”.

He’s upset because he has to buy all his windows from China. Is he a nationalist? Or is he just another Narcissistic Opportunist on the prowl. Another attention-whore seeking media fame at the expense of others. The Donald wants us to believe his allegiance lies with the American people. But I’m thinking his allegiance lies with Donald Trump. But where would I get a silly idea like that?

I wonder if China is eating his steaks too?

His lovely daughter is getting in on the act as well. Here she is crying about how Obama has unfairly treated her daddy’s Wall Street buddies.

Poor Wall Street Power Brokers. They never get a break. Except when we bail them out with trillions of tax-payer dollars. A trillion dollars could buy a lot of lunches. I thought they were against Government Waste? What gives?

These Wall Street Players are right though- The American Way of Life is being threatened. The middle class is disappearing. And American values like Freedom of Religion and American notions like “All Men are Create Equal” are being erased from our collective consciousness.

It seems xenophobia is a good way to distract voters from who the real enemies are. While it is easy to believe that foreigners are invading our small towns and eating our lunch. The fact is our worst enemies might be the ones who call themselves Americans.

Just remember- slick ads cost lots and lots of money. There are only a few people in America who have that kind of money. About 1% of the population. But xenophobia has a much steeper price than what these Fat Cats paid, when you consider that these Hatemongers are eroding National Unity and American Values. Pitting Americans against Americans, to take the focus off the Corporate Looting of America.

The following is a confession from an anonymous 18 yo girl:

My biggest regret ever is telling my boyfriend that I was a cutter.  I thought he would be there for me, when I needed him the most, but he couldn’t understand and became distant. He had thought I was perfect, and when he found out this very not perfect thing about me, he couldn’t handle it.  We broke up and I lost both my boyfriend and my best friend.  I’m better now, but I still have scars, and I’m afraid to tell my current boyfriend about their origin, because what if the same thing happens?

The Tigerbeatdown response:

Baby, he did not deserve you. What a douche.

About a month ago, Garland and Co were accusing me of being a “butthurt”. Telling me I should get over my ex callously shutting me out of her life. And now here we have one of their own slamming this boyfriend for doing the exact same thing. According to the TigerBeat Society for the Morally Indignant, it’s ok for a woman to cut someone out of her life. But if a man does it, he’s a douche. Then again inconsistencies and biases are nothing new for these hypocrites.

I sympathize with this girl. I really do. I know what it’s like to think someone is in love with you and then, out of nowhere, they do a total 180 on you. But I can also sympathize with this guy. I don’t condone his reaction, but I understand why he freaked out. To people who are not familiar with this world, the idea of cutting your wrists is pretty scary. As it should be. This is a healthy reaction to unhealthy self-mutilation. If it didn’t bother him, I’d have to wonder about his own sanity.

I was freaked out as well when my ex told me about her cutting past. But I chose to stay. She told me a lot of disturbing things about her past, but I chose to stay despite my fears and apprehensions. Perhaps, against my better judgment.

I chose to stay because the cutting was in her past. She had convinced me that she was in recovery, trying to get better. I was willing to believe her and be there for her. I put my fears aside, because that’s what you do when you love someone. But this was before I knew anything about BPD. This was before she betrayed me over and over again. Her wrist cutting was the least of our problems.

Cutting is how many adolescent borderlines cope with the internal pain that comes with trauma-related disorders. Pain they have lived with most of their lives. As they grow older, they learn new ways of coping and symptoms can diminish. But the pain is still present. It just manifests itself in other ways. Unfortunately, some of those new coping mechanisms involve dumping that pain onto loved ones. Self-destructive behavior turns into relationship sabotage and emotional abuse.

BPD is usually awakened by trauma at an early age or cultivated by a lifetime of abuse. Sadly, many borderlines go on to be victimized over and over again, creating even more trauma. More pain. My ex was cutting her wrists in her teens. By the time she got to college, the cutting had stopped. There she was allegedly raped. Drama and tragedy followed her everywhere she went. Just when her physical wounds began to heal from the cutting, this event would rip open her emotional wounds.

What blows my mind is that, after all this, it never occurred to her to get help. Nobody in her family ever suggested she should seek treatment for her trauma. Imagine how much pain a woman has to experience to compel her to cut her wrists.

People don’t even realize how disturbed these individuals are until they are intimately involved. Sometimes you are so clouded by emotions, you don’t realize it until months after the relationship has abruptly ended. By then the damage will have already been done.

If a person is willing to cut her wrist to relieve emotional pain, you can imagine what kind of harm she would do to you (psychologically). I don’t know if my ex would ever resort to physical violence. With a person who is that screwed-up, you never know. If someone is willing to cut her wrists, anything is possible. Including what most of us would consider unthinkable.

So while I feel compassion for this anonymous 18yo girl, there is part of me that believes her boyfriend was smarter than me. Smart enough to see what laid ahead of him. But there is also a part of me that agrees with the Tiger Downers- he probably was a douche. Borderlines (especially 18 yo girls) are notorious for making bad choices. They run after bad boys and run away from nice ones.

But here’s my advice to young borderlines- Don’t worry about boyfriends for now (douchey or not douchey). Worry about healing the scars that you can’t see. When you are healthy, you will attract healthier boys. Boys who are strong enough to stand by you. When you are healthy, you will attract the kind of boy who will treat you right. When you develop self-respect, you will expect to be treated right.

BTW it is your moral obligation to tell boyfriends about your cutting. If they are mature enough, they will find a way to cope. If not, then good riddance. But you have to be honest enough to tell him where you are at in your recovery. If you’re not even willing to acknowledge your disorder or not willing to seek help, then you are not ready for a relationship.

His concern should not be about the scars on your wrist. His concern should be about your emotional scars. The ones that caused you to cut your wrists. Because these are the scars that will have a negative impact on the relationship and his well-being.

Don’t worry about finding the ONE. Because chances are if you did, YOU would be on the run. Freaked out, not by scars on the wrist, but by intimacy and the fear of abandonment. Until you commit to treatment, you will always find true love to be allusive. Because chances are the reason why you ended up with a douche was because that was what you thought you deserved. When you are healthy, you will be surprised by how much higher your standards will be.

But what do you expect from an org that names itself “Tigerbeatdown”? Seriously. Abuse is in their DNA.

When orgs like TigerMeltdown recruit the angry and the irrational, the young and the naive, it can come back and bite them in the ass. As seen with their latest rounds of death threats. I suppose their heart is in the right place, but their minds… not so much. The fight for pro-choice and anti-racism is a worthy one. But this is not a fight for the emotionally unstable. Children who have been traumatized by a lifetime of abuse should spend their time in a therapist’s office, not on the frontlines of activism.

To be fair, there are extremists on both sides of the political spectrum. And when the economy goes sour, it seems to bring the worst out in everybody. But even so, such radicalism serves no purpose other than to further alienate the disenfranchised. And widen the divide between factions.

My borderline ex and I had many a heated debate over this topic. She had devoted her whole life to radical activism. But it was not out of any philanthropic impulse. It was because she was an angry teen, a rebel looking for a cause. An untreated borderline looking for a place to dump her toxic waste.

She had been victimized her whole life and now she wanted revenge. Activism made her feel empowered and morally superior. But she would not seek vengeance against the people who abused her. That would make too much sense. Instead she chose to lash out at the world around her. She was born with all the privileges afforded to a white college-educated woman in North America, and still she feels oppressed.

The truth is many activists are just like my ex. They harbor unresolved pain. So they take up the banner of the oppressed in order to legitimize their unbridled rage. They indulge in delusions of grandeur and illusions of oppression. In their minds, they are enlightened social warriors. But these troubled Don Quixotes are living a lie. Sheltered by tight-knit Tumblr communities, they have lost all perception of reality. In this virtual environment, any hope of self-awareness or trauma recovery is unlikely.

America isn’t prefect, but it’s pretty damn close. We have a long way to go as far as equality and discrimination, but I challenge you to find another place in the world that offers this much freedom and opportunity. Even for minorities. When I look at what is going on in the Middle East and North Africa, I thank Uncle Sam for providing me with what many in the world live without. But yet still the malcontents rage against the machine. We have become so privileged, we are literally looking for things to piss and moan about.

I’m all for social change, but a system has been set up where we can participate in government. Why try to burn that system to the ground? You say you don’t like the widening gap between the rich and the poor? Me neither. But this is the land of opportunity. Look at where Obama came from, and look at where he is now. He is affecting change from the inside-out. He’s making it happen by working with the system, not against it. He has changed many people’s perceptions about African-Americans without throwing a tantrum.

But when I look at these upstarts (on both sides) making bizarre accusations and sometimes death threats, I have to wonder what’s wrong with these people. These political orgs pose as advocacy groups. They bill themselves as safe-havens for the down and out. But these are not places where people get better. These places are not run by therapists. They are run by “professional” shitstarters, exploiters and opportunists.

People like Shady and Garland may have good intentions buried underneath all that teen angst, but they are doing more harm than good. Especially when they exploit the emotionally troubled for the sake of internet fame. To Garlands credit, he has admonished the unruly children for making death threats. I suppose he has moments of maturity. Most likely, he was just covering his own ass. But these kids need more than discipline from big brother, they need help.

I have spent some time scouring their blogs, looking for insight. And I see a lot of troubled souls. It is obvious that a large number of these TigerBeaters are survivors of sexual assault and emotional abuse. These so-called survivor advocates are surprisingly ignorant when it comes to their own condition. Perhaps, denial would be a better choice of words. So what is it they are advocating? Do they think political change will soothe a lifetime’s worth of psychological damage? Or do they create outward chaos to distract themselves from the chaos they feel inside?

It’s scary because these misguided souls look to Shady and Garland for guidance. It’s the blind leading the blind. These people aren’t fighting for social justice. That’s a hoax. They are fighting for the sake of fighting, conditioned and desensitized by years of abuse. They are fighting demons from their past on the political stage. But while attempting to affect social change, they have neglected their own personal change. Their trauma goes untreated. Their personality disorders unacknowledged. This is where the real injustice is happening.

Let’s leave the activism for people who are emotionally healthy. People who can put a good face onto activism. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again- Save yourselves, before you try to save the World.

In the night I hear ’em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless… oh
How could you be so heartless?

How could you be so,
Cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talking to me yo
You need to watch the way you talking to me you know
I mean after all the things that we been through
I mean after all the things we got into
And yo I know of some things that you ain’t told me
And yo I did some things but that’s the old me
And now you wanna get me back
And you gon’ show me
So you walk around like you don’t know me
You got a new friend
Well I got homies
But in the end it’s still so lonely

In the night I hear ’em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless…
How could you be so heartless… oh
How could you be so heartless?

How could you be so Dr. Evil
You’re bringing out a side of me that I don’t know
I decided we weren’t gonna speak so why we up 3 a.m. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me for, homie I don’t know she’s hot and cold
I won’t stop, won’t mess my groove up cause I already know how this thing goes,
You run and tell your friends that you’re leavin’ me
They say that they don’t see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon’ see,
You’ll never find nobody better than me

In the night I hear ’em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless…
How could you be so heartless… oh
How could you be so heartless?

Talkin’, talkin’, talkin’, talk,
Baby lets just knock it off
They don’t know what we been through
They don’t know ’bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon’ keep hatin’ me
And we just gon’ be enemies
I know you can’t believe
I could just leave it wrong
and you can’t make it right
Im gon’ take off tonight
Into the night…

In the night I hear ’em talk,
The coldest story ever told,
Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless… oh
How could you be so heartless?

Abusing the Victim Card

March 24, 2011

Recently, a blogger by the name of Infamous Qbert (notice the self-aggrandizement) attacked me because she didn’t like what I was posting. It seems what the medical community calls facts, she calls bullshit. In addition, she was upset, because I was ignoring her and not posting her comments (desperate need for attention). This week I finally got around to addressing her issues (which she is not posting) and now she is accusing ME of harassing and bullying HER. Oh, and how could I forget the accusations of misogyny? For those who are unfamiliar with borderline tactics this is called baiting.

Baiting is when someone attacks you. And then when you fight back, they accuse you of harassment or bullying. It’s a sign of cowardice and some would say BPD. This is a form of projecting, because they are projecting their hostile tendencies onto you. It’s also a display of gaslighting because they are trying to make you feel like you are the deranged one. Beware: this behavior is typical of untreated survivors.

Like Shady, Garland and Lex, I had no idea who Qbert was a month ago. I thought it was just an outdated videogame. It turns out she’s another loudmouth fauxminist who acts tougher than she really is. An untreated survivor that lashes out and then hides behind her victim card and womahood. Throwing screaming cats and accusations of misogyny. Attempting to legitimize her rage by dressing it up with social consciousness.

I have issues with people who abuse the victim card. Mostly because my ex did it all the time. She antagonized and abused me. And then had the nerve to accuse me of being the abuser when I called her out on her bullshit. Not cool. Not cool at all. I’m posting this info, to let these abusers know that the world is wise to their false allegations and false claims to victimhood. Give it up.

What goes around comes around. If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. I’m not attacking Qbert because she’s a woman. I’m attacking her because she attacked me first. I’m attacking her because she is a moron playing a fool’s game. Game over, Qbert. Your infamy is just another delusion.

Playing the Victim

I am, George. I am.

By now most of you have probably seen this ridiculously racist rant by Alexandra Wallace. Is it possible that such behavior could be the result of BPD?

If there was one redeeming quality about my borderline ex, it was that she was decidedly not racist. Race-obsessed maybe but definitely not racist. If anything she was PC to a fault. Sometimes acting like she was morally superior to those around her, when she was anything but.  She would often belittle people in order to make herself feel better about herself. She could be downright nasty with her putdowns and cattiness, when she felt like someone was a threat. She was always compensating for her inferiority-complex. Racists are basically operating under the same premise. They act like they are superior to compensate for hidden feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Different manifestation, same impulse.

Clearly something is not right with Alexandra Wallace. It’s too easy to say she’s ignorant and backwards. What’s going on psychologically? Let’s start with her desperate cry for attention. She may look pretty and privileged on the outside. But sometimes carefully-crafted beauty belies profound self-esteem issues. Sometimes people with poor self-image compensate by wearing tons of make-up and showing ample amounts of cleavage.  Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover. These are characteristics we see in people with narcissistic/histrionic tendencies all the time.

Her library experience was sooo devastating, she felt the need to broadcast it onto the internet. Very dramatic. Very self-important. She was so outraged, she felt the need to condemn an entire race of people. It was all about her and what she suffered in that brief moment. Other people’s suffering (tsunami survivors included) could not hold a candle up to hers. I (of all people) get that she needs to vent, but like a borderline she took it a few steps too far. Clearly there is some grossly misplaced and wildly disproportionate anger here.

Some of this can be attributed to age and pure stupidity. But there’s an impulsive quality here that needs to be addressed. We all get upset, but the rage that comes with BPD is sudden and seems to come out of nowhere. It is more like a knee-jerk reaction that leads to being kicked in the face. It begs the “where did that come from?” reaction. BPD behavior is not abnormal, it is hyper-normal. BPs experience all the same emotions that everyone else does. Only their emotions are much more intense and their reactions are much more severe.

The first thing that stuck out as BPD behavior was her black and white thinking. No, I don’t mean skin color. I mean the belief that people are either all good or all bad.  The fact that she has made broad generalizations about an entire race of people is very black and white. There are no subtle shades of grey with untreated borderlines. Their thirst for conflict requires them to always look for a fight. To justify a war and make their rage righteous, they demonize and dehumanize the other.

Even though my ex was not racist, she would often make sweeping judgments about men.  “They’re all pigs”, she would say. You can imagine how this affects the way she treats men. Even men she supposedly loves. Perhaps you can argue that as an assault survivor, she had justifications for such beliefs. But the fact was her traumatic experiences tainted the way she looked at all human beings, even ones who did not deserve such harsh judgment. When you expect the worst in people, that’s what you get. She antagonizes people and then wonders why people treat her so horribly. Racists too create these self-fulfilling prophecies.

What we often see with borderlines is a lack of accountability. It’s always someone else’s fault. What makes it worse is when people in power enable such behavior. I was appalled when a UCLA professor rushed to Ms.Wallace’s defense. And even more appalled when Ms. Magazine portrayed this blatantly racist woman as a victim. Sadly, Ms. Magazine has a history of defending women with questionable histories and borderline tendencies all in the name of feminism. But don’t get me started on how feminism has gone astray. That I’ll save for a future post. For now, I’ll just say that I’m deeply disappointed.

The point is we reap what we sow. You can’t unleash your “shitass” rage upon the world and expect the world to treat you with dignity. When you behave in a boorish manner, you can be certain you will be treated with an equal if not greater lack of civility and respect. When you react with irrational rage, you invite an irrational response. Don’t cry about it. If you start a fight, take your licks.

Did Alexandra deserve to be subjected to sexist comments and death threats? No. But when she posted her hate-filled message on YouTube, she was starting a war. Once you set the dominoes in motion, there’s no stopping the sequence of events. Escalation is inevitable.

Right or wrong, hate incurs more hate.  To think otherwise is pure naivete. Sorry Ms Magazine, Alexandra Wallace’s victim card has just been revoked. Morons like her need to think before they open their big mouths. There are consequences for bad behavior, and it is often paid with interest.

But I digress, let’s get back to Alexandra’s rage. Let’s talk about emotional dysregulation. BP behavior is driven by intense emotions that override cognitive function. It makes people do stupid things, especially in the heat of the moment. While it is easy to label this YouTube racist as being dumb, it is more accurate to say that she is irrational.

If you read the blurb on the video, it mentions that she regrets her actions. It is not uncommon for the Irrational to later regret their egregious behavior. She says she doesn’t know “what came over her”. What came over her was uncontrolled rage. She was acting out. This type of behavior has become more common with the advent of social media. We’ve seen it with irrational bloggers like Shady, Garland and Lex, and now we see it with this irresponsible loudmouth.

Uncontrolled rage translates to self-destructive behavior. We’ve seen this before when 100 raging TigerBeaters stormed Savory Dish. I saw this when my ex engaged in acts of infidelity, when her last words to me were “fuck you” and when she ruthlessly cut me out of her life.  She was not thinking with her brain, she was reacting to her unstable emotions. My borderline ex is an intelligent woman but she does stupid things all the time.  By the time her emotions have done their damage, her intelligence works only to rationalize what she has done. This is the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde effect that is so common with borderlines.

There is a primitive side to BPD which causes untreated borderlines to judge and treat people harshly. Studies have shown that people with BPD have higher activity in their limbic (primitive) portion of the brain. The limbic system was passed down from our prehistoric days when it was useful to group things into good or bad categories, especially good or bad people. We’ve evolved since then, but we still retain that primitive side of our nature.

When our cave-dwelling ancestors were confronted with a threat, they didn’t have time to think of an intelligent or polite response. So they reacted impulsively. It works well when you are reacting to a wooly mammoth. But not so well when you are reacting to loud people in the library. It served us well back in prehistoric times, but not so much in the era of YouTube.

So what causes someone to regress to primitive behavior? Most likely trauma. If the trauma was great enough or has taken place over a lifetime, it can arrest a person’s emotional development. It can keep the borderline in a state of fear and mistrust. Or in Ms. Wallace’s case, keep her in a state of anger and hate. The trauma evokes our most basic survival instincts. The limbic part of our brain is unsophisticated but it is designed to keep us alive. Believe it or not, intolerance and prejudice were originally designed to keep us out of harm’s way. But the prehistoric brain has difficulty adjusting to modern life. And it can be very destructive in social situations. It’s like sending a bull into a crystal store.

I’m willing to bet that Alexandra has a history of inviting chaos and drama into her life. These are rarely isolated incidents, as some UCLA administrators would like us to believe. People don’t act this way on a whim. It is usually a lifelong commitment to drama. These are patterns that are synonymous with borderline activity. I’m also willing to bet that Ms. Wallace did not have the wholesome upbringing that she claims she did. Her horrid behavior suggests otherwise. It suggests there has been a history of abuse in her life.

Most likely her YouTube rant was a result of misplaced anger. Something that you see a lot with trauma survivors. Anger can be healthy when it is directed at its original source. But with borderline types and trauma survivors, anger is rarely directed at its original source.

Most survivors were too young or powerless to confront their original abuser, so they carry unresolved anger their whole lives and unleash it on unsuspecting (undeserving) victims. Misplaced anger happens when people have repressed and unresolved pain. They look for convenient dump sites for their toxic waste.

Often, these people pick on easy targets like loved ones or, in Alexandra’s case, a visible minority. My ex had years of anger stored up from her past. But instead of pointing that anger at the people who assaulted her, she decided to use me as her emotional punching bag. Her own parents abused her trust, but yet she chose to cut me out of her life. I was a convenient scapegoat. Racists too look for scapegoats to unleash pain from their pasts. Don’t be surprised to find abuse locked away in their closet.

We can’t tell with any certainty what exactly happened to Alexandra Wallace, but there are unmistakable signs that are common with all survivors of abuse. Survivors of abuse work in strange but predictable ways.

What we have here is another teachable moment. This YouTube rant has taught us that when we let our emotions run away with us, we do things that we later regret. We hurt people who don’t deserve to be hurt.  We pick fights and then wonder why the world hates us. We make ourselves look stupid and embarrass the people around us. Sadly, these behaviors can not be curbed by will power alone.

When you are this emotional unstable, will power is rendered powerless. This YouTube act was probably not this little girl’s first regrettable act. Most likely, this was the culmination of  a lifetime’s worth of self-destructive acts. With people like this, it’s always a pattern of inappropriate behavior. To change such behavior requires breaking old patterns and replacing them with healthier ones. You are reprogramming dysfunctional patterns that have been hardwired into your brain. This takes years and years of dedicated effort.

Does this YouTube racist have BPD? Who knows? But clearly something is not right in her head. Whatever her malfunction is, she needs to take a serious look at herself. And address issues that she has probably ignored for her whole life. Sadly, low lifes like Alexandra Wallace are not likely to embrace change. When they are this troubled, denial is part of the problem. Yes, she has apologized and withdrawn from UCLA. But only to save her own skin. Self-preservation is always at the forefront of a borderline’s mind.

Before you feel sorry for poor Alexandra, know there is already talk about her own blog and an MTV show. Another slimey opportunist. Surprise. Surprise. Another attention-whore seeking fame at the expense of others. Another moron who thinks media fame will cure what ails her. Where have we seen this kind of wrongheaded thinking before?

This title was posted a while back but it’s still receiving a lot of traffic and some new and insightful comments. Here are the comments, but if you want to read the original post just click here.

A confession from Anne:

You are right…and I can’t speak for the man but I too have told one man that I was too hopelessly sick to be with him. It was true though. I was also doing it as an act of self-destruction. One less person at my funeral was my sick rationale in the heat of my rage. I saw him as being better off without me…well…he was of course. With that said I was so engrossed in my self-loathing I didn’t even think about how my words might be REALLY hurting him. In the aftermath, I felt such shame and regret about what I did to him that I wasn’t sure whether to vomit or faint.

I still shake typing this out.

From Anders:

I´m a guy from Sweden. I read your story gasping for air. I´ve just gone through EXACTLY the same thing, the same pain and frustration. She acted identically to your girl. Blocked me completely after saying “I have never loved anyone so much”. I have since learned that she has Borderline which explained many of her sides I had noticed. Hell on earth!

From a woman named Loominator:

I have been in love with a guy like this, somehow it has all started to make sense now. My friends and family always warn me, they keep saying somethings up with him and he isn’t stable in the head. It has always been a toxic co-dependent relationship. Doesn’t take much to make him want to back out. He’ll say something and go and do the opposite. He also likes to believe he doesn’t need help, at one point I even got told that I am the one with issues! Everytime he confesses his feelings it just means he’s soon going to disappear, give me the silent treatment and block me out. So frustrating for the person on the receiving end of all this drama. The pain as you said in unimaginable, I still feel like it is my fault and I need to reach out to him. I do wish he would get help but I guess these people are in denial of how their behavior is affecting the other person. I feel your pain!

From Anne:

You say they don’t mean to play games… my ex-weirdfriend’s actions seemed carefully thought out and at one time he said to me that, in contrast to a difficult person we knew, “I’m not into those games – well I am but you guys don’t realise I’m playing.” This is what made me think he’s antisocial or at least cynical. After a while his headgames became relentless though, and I’m not sure anyone lives that way out of cool-headed strategic choice. I think seeing it that way was a means of gaining control over *himself*. Or maybe he is that cold and just walked away because he wasn’t winning. But his exit strategy sure looked borderline to me.

From Huxley:

Everything written here seems to ring so true to my situation. I hate to think that other people have to put up with this hell too. I really wouldn’t wish such pain even on my worst enemy.

It all began by meeting this girl through work. I knew straight away that she was unstable. She had a boyfriend at the time but pursued me regardless. Even after she relocated she kept in regular contact by email. Then after a while she asked if I’d like to go traveling with her which I agreed to. I fell in love with her during that time and the feeling seemed to be mutual. After returning however, she completely shut me out of her life. It was three months until I heard from her again during which time she had attempted suicide.

A relationship then ensued and seemed to go amazingly well for two months. She
was still taking anti-depressants but seemed to get better as time went on. Then two weeks ago, she called me and gave the wildest reasons as to why the relationship couldn’t continue. When I asked her why she was doing this, she replied ‘I don’t know!’ and gave no indication when she might ever contact me again. This was completely unexpected as only a week before we were planning our whole year together. It’s so hard to believe that such a seemingly perfect relationship could turn so abusive.

I know she’s not an evil person deep down. Her life up to now has been terrible so I can’t really hold anything against her. It’s just hard to believe that none of her love was actually real.

From Greenbach:

Reading these posts is so eerie because they hold up a mirror image of our own experiences. Mine too. It’s very comforting to know there are so many people out there who have experienced the same pattern of mindless, logic-defying madness that ultimately makes us question our own sanity. It’s also alarming that this disorder presents itself in such a consistent pattern, is so widespread and yet is something most of us will never have even heard of until it was too late.

I have no empirical proof that my ex-girlfriend of 18 months has BPD but by coincidence we share the same doctor and he told me that she was probably borderline and to stay away from her and never resume contact. This, of course, was unethical and a flagrant breach of patient confidentiality. But I was so emotionally spent at the time of the breakup – utterly bewildered and crushed that she could declare undying a few days before Christmas and then react to me taking an Xmas vacation with my children by cutting the relationship and expunging me from her life when we returned – that I think now he saw it as the lesser of two evils.

Certainly his tip-off has helped me enormously. Reading up about BPD and hearing the stories of others has given me great reassurance and comfort and been empowering too. I know the hellish hurt, the shock, the numbing pain and feeling of loss. Like a death. The frustration and torment of having them in your mind 24/7. People say just think of something else; if only it were that easy…

It’s been two and a bit months now and I still think about her all the time. But slowly I’m understanding and accepting the extent of her disorder and the impossibility of my ever making sense of her decision to excise the one love and stable force in her life. Because as you say, savorydish, there is no logic. And it’s ALL about control and fulfillment of their own needs. I’m starting to accept that I could never, ever mend her and that no one else will until she has been through therapy (which I suspect she will not persist with anyway because it’s just too painful and she is only ever one cross word or unwelcome suggestion away from bailing out of ANY relationship, including therapist-patient).

I’m in my mid-40s, a level-headed kind of guy with a good job, two teenage kids and a great family. Never before have I been involved in anything so messed up. Simply put, it was a breakup I thought I would not survive. But it DOES get easier, slowly, over time, by small increments. Believe that it will. Because it does.

I’d like to thank everyone for sharing. I think part of the healing experience is knowing that you’re not alone. This is especially true for those who have had a borderline turn on them. But it also helps those borderlines who have accepted their condition and are working on getting better. Because it reminds them where they were, as opposed to where they are now.

Yes, there are a lot of douchey assholes out there who mean to belittle your experience. But their callousness only points to how emotionally damaged they are and how ignorant they are. These are people who think abuse and betrayal are acceptable. You can only imagine what their relationships are like.

But most of the people who tell survivors of borderline betrayal to “think of something else” have their hearts in the right place. They just don’t understand. This is why it is important for us to spread awareness. Every time I hear someone give out the advice to “move on” or “let go”, I immediately think they just don’t get it. Fortunately, those in the mental health field do. Those who know can validate your experience.  Eventually you will move on, but it has to be on your schedule. Not theirs. Never mind what the morons say.

The survivors of borderline betrayal have just been through a traumatic and surreal experience. It takes time to figure out what happened and recover. This is not your average break up. It’s an abusive co-dependent relationship with deep ties to your past.

Don’t listen to the Angry Teeny Boppers, most of them are still stuck in denial and trauma. Most are ignorant about their own mental health, don’t expect them to be savvy about yours. Some of these naysayers are borderlines in hiding. Like that last commenter said, it does get better. But unfortunately people who impede the process of healing are only extending the pain. Those who hold on to denial are left wounded.

There is a general ignorance when it comes to BPD. Even amongst the college-educated. They don’t get it, because they assume that a relationship with a borderline is a normal relationship. When it is anything but normal. They think it’s normal for someone to be head over heels for someone and then in a matter of weeks suddenly become disenchanted. It’s not normal, nor is it healthy. And those who say it is, are revealing their own ignorance and possible borderline tendencies.

All we can do is keep telling our stories, and hope the rest of the world catches on. Remember: you’re not alone. It doesn’t just affect men. It affects therapists, feminists, women and gays as well. Awareness is important for a lot of reasons, accountability being one of them.  A lot of borderlines stay in denial because society allows them to move from one victim to another, without any accountability for their destructive behavior. When they can no longer fly under the radar, they will be forced to acknowledge their disorder. And that is good news for everyone.

more on this topic at

An Unholy Union

Splitting Black. Welcome to the Darkside.

Yearning for the Unhealthy