Slut Shaming

February 26, 2011

My ex describes herself as a complicated woman. That’s a euphemism for full of shit. My ex also describes herself as a slut. I kid you not. She actually confessed this to me towards the end of our relationship. I think we were talking about all the men she has slept with. I don’t know if she was boasting or being self-deprecating. Either way, I wish she had confessed it to me earlier. Before I caught her cheating on me.

I couldn’t tell if she was half-joking or not. But she seems proud of her sluthood. Is it real pride or she merely compensating for the shame she really feels? It’s hard to say because my ex puts on so many false airs. It’s hard to know who she really is.

This is problematic for a feminist who fights against slut shaming. More specifically, the shaming of survivors of sexual assault. Shame is a popular and sensitive topic amongst feminists. They’re obsessed with shame. A survivor like my ex fights ferociously against shame. She fights for a woman’s right to get drunk and pass out. She fights for the right to embarrass her partners in public. She is basically fighting the image she is perpetuating. She is fighting her conscience.

She was always a flirtatious woman. She loves attention. No, she needs attention. And when she drinks, even more so. I accepted this about her. But I drew the line at public embarrassment. Kissing another man in front of me and all her friends was crossing that line. I draw the line at getting so drunk you can’t remember your acts of indiscretion. I draw the line at my girlfriend texting some guy she’s hoping to fuck when I’m not looking. But I’m old-fashioned like that.

I, myself, am not a man of puritanical virtue. So I was never quick to judge. We should all have the right to express our sexuality. She has every right to drink and flirt, but not when you’re in a committed relationship. Not when you’re telling me how much you love me. Not when you’re asking me to open my heart. This is the type of behavior that is deserving of shame.

Our relationship was destined to fail. But the fact that she couldn’t keep it in her pants, put the final nail in the coffin. What was more shameful than her sexual escapades was the fact that she tried to blame it on me. She claims that it was all my fault that she was unfaithful. This of course is just another bullshit excuse for her sabotaging and self-destructive ways.

Angry survivors chastise me for putting one of their own under a negative spotlight. Never stopping to foam at the mouth long enough to realize my ex has put herself in that position. The mob tries to silence me while giving my ex a hall pass to do anything she wants. No matter how hurtful.

Her sluthood was only one of the many ways that she killed our relationship. She accused me of making her insecure but it was her fear of abandonment that made her insecure. I can assure you she was insecure long before I came into her life.

After betraying my trust over and over again, she had the audacity to play the victim. Shame on her. Not for her sluttiness. Shame on her for a lack of integrity and her disregard for other people’s feelings. Shame on her for blaming me for her irrational fear of intimacy. In the end, it is this fear of intimacy coupled with a self-destructive streak that causes her to do stupid things, not her sluttiness.

I remember when Tiger Woods got caught with his pants down. She made it a point to tell me how she felt about that kind of behavior. I believe she called him a scumbag and a low life. Or something to that effect. Hmmm, interesting. Fast-forward a few months later and she engages in similar behavior. Not once but twice. So if Tiger is a scumbag and a low life. What does that make her?

What makes me sick to my stomach is not her promiscuous tendencies, but her lack of loyalty. And then she wonders why she can’t keep friends. She wonders why lovers turn to enemies. Shame on her for pushing me for more commitment only to break it herself. And despite this pattern of destructive/abusive behavior, she continues to go untreated and pull people into her life.  She blames society for shaming sluts. But the fact is she shames herself.

She puts on a good act, that one. In public, she acts like a poised dignitary. In private, she acts like an irresponsible child. She claims she doesn’t have a personality disorder. So what do we blame her horrid behavior on? Her parents? Her lack of morals? Her traumatic experiences?

How about I make it easier on her and just blame her. Shame can be a good thing. It’s life’s way of telling you that you’ve done something wrong. Shrinks call this cognitive dissonance. Shame is also life’s own brand of justice.

As one reader noted, being an abusive survivor is not against the law. Fortunately, for victims of silent abuse, shame is not something an abusive personality can easily escape. Sure, they can try to live in denial. But shame has a way of eating a person from the inside out. There’s a reason why suicide rates are so high amongst this group of bad girls.

Would it be too much to ask that she start taking responsibility for the shame she feels? Or is she, as the fauxminists would suggest, above reproach? Is this the type of behavior that Shady McDoyle wishes to defend? Am I to forgive my ex again and again for her questionable behavior? Does she get out of jail free because she’s a survivor? My ex’s problem is not that she’s a slut. Her problem is that she’s a horrible excuse for a human being.

I’m not shaming a woman for wearing tube tops and short skirts. I’m not shaming a woman for passing out in the middle of sex because she had too much to drink. I’m shaming a woman who shows no respect for the ones who love and care for her. This is not a woman who deserves to be loved. She doesn’t even love herself. She deserves to live alone with her shame.

Should fucked up people be in a relationship?

38 Responses to “Slut Shaming”

  1. savorydish said

    Not so coincidentally, my ex also used humor to offset her abrasive behavior. She would put me down, and say “Just kidding… 50%”

    I’m a big boy, so I can take my licks from people. But as you might imagine it doesn’t do much for a relationship. Trust is a must for intimacy and true love. And when you are taking swipes at your loved ones, it will take its toll on the relationship causing further emotional harm for both parties.

    My ex is married now, but that means nothing. Nothing has changed other than her relationship status. She remains untreated. Three sessions doesn’t make for a full recovery. Not after all the trauma she has been through. Until, she commits herself to such treatment, all her relationships will fail. Until she acknowledges her behavior like you just did, she is doomed to repeat the past.

    • savorydish said

      To her credit, my ex did try to control her behavior for periods of time. But when you have been traumatized by years of abuse, trying to control your emotions is like trying to stop a tidal wave with your hand. That’s why survivors NEED to seek help. I know she hates therapy. Because she hates the idea of re-living her trauma. She hates confronting her past. But this is the ONLY way she will get better. All that other stuff she’s doing (getting married, getting a Masters)… all that is fine and dandy… but none of it will heal her wounds. She’s only distracting herself from getting better. And continuing to hurt those who get close to her.

  2. savorydish said

    Untreated trauma survivors have no business getting intimately involved with someone else. They will harm their partners. It is inevitable. They are filled with highly charged emotions that they can not control.

    I know it’s not fair. But until, they seek treatment they are putting other people at risk of emotional harm. If you are a good person you will avoid serious relationships until you have recovered. A person with a broken leg wouldn’t jump onto a ski slope. Well, trauma survivors have a broken heart. And yet they are continuously giving people that which is damaged.

    It is your moral obligation to heal. Then you can enjoy a healthy relationship. Then you can fill your life with activities. But healing is your priority.

    • savorydish said

      My ex use to make me responsible for avoiding her triggers. It was like walking through a minefield. It is not your loved one’s responsibility to tippy-toe around your emotions. No person should have to live like that.

      If you still have triggers, then it’s a sign that you have not properly recovered. You NEED professional treatment.

      Don’t put the responsibility on your loved ones.

      • savorydish said

        Even if you are not actively abusing your partner, there is a good chance you are using them. It is very difficult for survivors to achieve intimacy. Maybe impossible without treatment. Essentially, an untreated survivor is USING people to fill the void inside of them. Your partner will feel used because they are being used. An untreated survivor is basically just going through the motions. Their emotions are shallow because deep emotions are too risky. While your partner is falling deeper and deeper for you, you are basically stringing them along. Promising that which you can not give. Taking but never giving back. This is passive abuse.

        To partners of trauma survivors,
        You will know your partner’s love is shallow when you catch them cheating on you. This is a sign of someone who is faking love. Even if they cry and tell you how sorry they are, don’t buy their act. You have just found out the depth of their commitment. If you give them a second chance, you are giving them a second chance to hurt you. Detach and be on your way.

      • savorydish said

        At the opposite end of the spectrum are people who give their love too easily. Be wary of people who act like they are madly in love with you in a matter of weeks, months. Real intimacy takes time. PDs and trauma survivors are notorious for rushing into love. But they fall out of love just as quickly. If someone proposes marriage after 3 months, you should be freaked out. This is not normal or healthy. This person is using a relationship to cover up his/her insecurities. An insecure lover is capable of all sorts of abuses once the honeymoon period ends or when they think they have you in the bag.

    • savorydish said

      My ex knows she is harming people who don’t deserve to be harmed. She knows she has a history of screwing people over, but yet she jumps from one relationship to another. She got married knowing full well she has a history of rocky relationships. WHY? Because, she is basically a selfish person. She has no problem compromising someone else’s well-being as long as her needs are being met. That is the definition of selfishness. And that is why she feels so much shame. There’s a reason why suicide rates are high amongst borderline personalities. And it’s not because they’ve got their shit together.

  3. savorydish said

    But I’m curious.

    Why are people so anxious to have me move on. I’ve had a chance now to visit some of your blogs. And I would say some of these people need to let go of their anger. Why is my anger any less legitimate? Why is this topic any less deserving of awareness? If rapists should be held accountable, then shouldn’t silent abusers?

    • savorydish said

      Tomato Blossom,
      Her being fucked up, doesn’t make me any less angry.

      It makes me angry when people invalidate my anger- as if I don’t have a right to be angry. What makes me even angrier is that you are more concerned about my anger than her fucked up behavior. What bothers me is that you have failed to acknowledge how fucked up her behavior is. If it weren’t for that fucked up behavior these angry post wouldn’t even exist. Did you ever think about that?

      The point of concern is not my anger. The point of concern is that there are legions of fucked up people out there making people this angry. The point of concern is that my ex makes people this angry, and then moves onto the next victim. The content of this blog is the extent of my anger. It’s nothing compared to the emotional harm she has caused me. She’s getting off easy.
      Don’t be worried about me. Be worried that this woman continues to spread anger wherever she goes.

      I’m not the one cutting my wrists. I’m not the one having panic attacks. I’m not the one passing out and getting sexually assaulted. I’m not the one threatening suicide and then denying it. There are people out there who are far more fucked up than I am. Far more worthy of your concern.

      • savorydish said

        If you think I’m the only one left angry by a borderline in denial, then you need to look around. Visit some BPD forums. Read the comments left under this article http://www.straight.com/article-374720/vancouver/borderline-disorder-triggers-turmoil-and-rage. There’s a lot of angry people out there.

        This blog is only making people aware that these untreated people are making people’s lives miserable. Stop invalidating people’s anger, you’re only making them more angry. Start acknowledging people’s pain and maybe they’ll be less angry.

      • savorydish said

        Victims of abuse and betrayal have a right to be angry. They have a right to express that anger. The anger will subside over time, it always does. But it’s important to allow people to vent. It’s important to acknowledge the source of their anger.

        Troubles arise when people are forced to suppress their anger. Troubles arise when people live in denial and put on a happy face when inside they are in anguish. Anger is a normal and healthy response to being hurt. If you didn’t show anger I’d be concerned.

        My ex was mugged right before she broke up with me. What concerned me was that she never expressed anger towards the people who mugged her. She wasn’t even interested in pressing charges. Instead she directed her rage at me. She’s done this her whole life. Every person that has fucked her over has gotten a free pass from her, including the man who allegedly raped her. Her own father screwed her over and yet she still maintains that she’s daddy’s little girl. So she stores her anger up and guess who she unleashes it on? People like me. People who love and care for her. And now you’re saying I don’t have cause to be angry? Get real.

        Rage is not the problem. Inappropriately misdirected anger is.

      • savorydish said

        Being screwed up is not an excuse to fuck people over. It doesn’t make victims any less angry to know these people are screwed up. Prisons are filled with people who are screwed up, should we let them all go? Screwed up people need to be held accountable, more so than anyone else. Screwed up people don’t have a sense of right or wrong or boundaries. This blog aims to correct that problem.

      • savorydish said

        This blog has done a lot to ease my anger.
        Unfortunately, when my ex does things like send angry proxies to do her dirty work for her, that adds more fuel to the fire. When people try to diminish my suffering that only adds to the anger. The problem is not my anger. The problem is the source of my anger.

        Why do you think people are angry in the Middle East? Because their leadership has failed to acknowledge the suffering of the people. Gadhafi is telling interviewers that his people love him. This is the type of denial that enrages people.

      • savorydish said

        TB,
        You want me to believe that you’re trying to help, but you’re not. You’re adding fuel to the fire. You’re judging me without knowing me. You’re imposing your will on me. You’re trying to manipulate me in order to ease your own fears. You need to deal with those feelings in your own context and stop projecting them onto me and my situation.

        Clearly you have issues of your own (paranoia, deep-seated fears, control issues, passive-aggressive tendencies). You came here on the TigerBeatdown bus, which makes me believe you have your own obsession with victimization, but only as it applies to women. In the same breath you have downplayed my own victimization, which means you don’t actually care about me. You care about your agenda and your bias. In the future, if you wish to communicate with me, I think it’s best that you be upfront and honest about your intentions.

      • savorydish said

        TB,
        I am well aware of the fact that you don’t approve of my blog. Beating me over the head won’t change my course. You may not approve of my methods, but these are the same methods employed by the likes of your friend Shady O’ Doyle. Different subject, same vitriol.

        So it is a little disingenuous for you to say you are concerned about the degree of my anger, when Shady has displayed much more emotional instability and rage. Why is it you’re not alarmed by her rage? Nor have you shown concern over the fact that some of your rabid friends have sent death threats my way. Curious.

        I appreciate the fact that your message is neatly wrapped in good will packaging, but your message is no different than the other 100 TigerBeater messages that have shown up at my doorstep. Quite frankly, the reason why your comments remain unposted is because your motives are highly suspect. You say you’re against anger and for peace, yet you support Shady McDoyle and her band of rageholics. Do you see the conflict of interest here?

        So my advice to you is to sort out your story and then come back when you have it all straight. Otherwise, it just looks like you’re playing games. You had a bi-polar mother and a borderline boyfriend who killed himself. This means you have been profoundly traumatized, more so than myself. So you should save your concern for your own well-being. Your trauma is the reason you hold this blog with suspicion. You are looking for boogiemen where there are none. You’ve been bitten by a vampire. Once bitten, twice shy.

        But you have sought treatment, which I can tell by your easy-going nature. You are definitely an improvement over the other angry protesters. But the effect on you is still evident. I submit to you that your reaction to my blog has more to do with your trauma and less to do with this blog.

        That being said, I invite you to come back and tell us more about your story. Your experience with BPD will be more valuable to me, then your assessment of my mental health.

      • savorydish said

        I think what we have learned here today is that BPD is closely related to issues of feminism, rape, victimization, abuse, alcoholism, gender, etc… Somewhere, somehow there is an intersection of all these worlds. What is the correlation? Is it a coincidence that a lot of the people who have shown up at this blog are carbon copies of my ex- feminists, people with BiPolar and Borderline relationships, people who have been abused/sexually assaulted, people who continue the cycle of abuse, and let’s not forget people who are angry. How do all these issues relate to each other? Does one cause another? And is BPD and other personality disorders the common link? Clearly all the people who have shown up here understand this world very well. So maybe we’re not all that different.

  4. savorydish said

    I find it interesting that all the women who have a problem with this blog all share the same profile.

    Apparently, it’s creepy to point out their flaws. Just like it’s ignorant to point out their bad behavior. According to them, their opinions hold more weight that of psychologists.

    If anything this blog is a public service announcement. Take a good look at these people. Avoid them at all costs. Not only are they abusive and toxic, they will try to demonize you in the process.

    In their eyes, all men deserve to be abused. They would never come out and say it. But that’s what’s going on in that sick of head of theirs.

    • savorydish said

      Notice how these women are not shy about pointing out my disagreeable behavior, but none of them have spoken up about my ex’s dreadful behavior. They are silently condoning abusive behavior while demonizing those who point out their bad behavior.

      • savorydish said

        Only they are allowed to protest. Because that’s how hypocrites think.

      • savorydish said

        But where do they get this hatred of men? Well I can’t speak for all of them. I know my ex hates both men and women. Because according to her, both her parents were terrible in one way or another.

        She has been abused by both sexes. When a child is introduced to any kind of abuse at an early age they become targets for abusers their whole life.

        She keeps this hatred under wraps. But when you keep things under wraps it comes out at inappropriate times. My ex hid her anger from her parents because she still lives by their support.

        So instead she took it out on me, because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But mostly because she saw no repercussions from abusing me. She was wrong.

  5. savorydish said

    As a writer for a feminist magazine, my ex feigns moral indignation every week. And yet this is how she behaves when no one is looking. This is my problem with these fauxminists. They act like they have such high moral standards and then they go and act like a bunch of irresponsible children.

    Save yourselves before you decide you’re going to save the world. Womanhood is doing fine without you. You on the other hand are falling apart at the seams.

  6. savorydish said

    I’m watching CNN right now. It’s surreal to see Charlie Sheen and Gaddafi being interviewed back to back. Both are whacked out of their minds. Both are in serious denial of this fact. I can’t help but be reminded of certain people who claim they are in perfect mental health.

    • savorydish said

      The Charlie Sheen interview was strange. Completely non-linear. The man is in his own world. At one point Piers shows Charlie a clip of Dr. Drew diagnosing him. And Charlie just laughs it off and calls Dr. Drew a moron. This is typical behavior from someone who is in denial.

      Charlie and Gaddafi- One is an overpaid actor, the other an overpaid dictator. But they both share the same self-destructive gene. And it always seems their denial is strongest when they are at the end of their rope. We’ve seen this with Marilyn Monroe and Michael Jackson. Charlie will probably be found dead in a hotel room of an OD. Gaddafi- probably killed by his own people.

      It makes me wonder how my ex will do herself in. She has talked about suicide. But now denies she ever mentioned it. And of course her parents blew off my warnings. People in denial won’t listen. When denial is this strong, all you can do is stand back and watch the train wreck.

  7. savorydish said

    You can’t really expect much from my ex. She comes from a family of cheaters. Her mom cheats on her dad. And her dad cheats on her mom. It’s in her blood, just like alcoholism. She was a disaster waiting to happen. I made the mistake of trusting someone who was born to be a low life.

  8. savorydish said

    And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
    Here’s a forum discussion on shame.
    http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140100.0

  9. skyeee said

    I’m a feminist. I embrace the word “slut” and “whore”. Why not ?

    I do not embrace hurting people…this can go onto a long argument about what is considered hurt. For one thing, I do not condone cheating. I do feel sexual liberation is a positive thing. People call me a slut merely because I enjoy being naked. Bullshit, I say.

    All in all, I babbled.

    • savorydish said

      IMHO being naked doesn’t make you a slut nor does sleeping around. But when someone puts their sexual gratification before a loved one’s feelings, that is an indication of sluttiness. I guess I don’t have a problem with embracing their sluthood as long as they know when to keep it in their pants. The problem is not so much sluttiness as it is selfishness.

    • Wizard said

      “this can go onto a long argument about what is considered hurt”

      That is a dangerously relativist assertion. We all have a pretty good idea about what emotional and physical ‘hurt’ is.

  10. […] post, titled Slut Shaming, still remains the most read by 100 to 1. This should tell you who my audience is. If anyone is […]

  11. Darrian said

    Maybe these women are just assholes ….nothing more .

  12. False Identity said

    Great blog. As a fellow male survivor of a BPD woman, I can really relate to your writing. I hope you’re feeling better. It hurts so much to know you can’t help the one you loved, but in a way that’s because of your own wounds. I suffer from co-dependency but I’m getting better too. That doesn’t excuse for one minute her savage and dreadful behaviour.

    I wish you the best.

    One question: why am I only seeing your comments to the article? Have the other ones been deleted or something?

  13. L.V.X. said

    Hey man, can you please repost those comments, it’s really confusing just reading your reactions. And it would be helpful as well as insightful to see what was written. I don’t doubt the validity of your opinion, however it does tend to make one question the author when only his words are to be taken seriously, and the supposed BP comments which he took the time to reply to are dismissed. I mean can’t you make them available to be seen if chosen to be clicked upon, and still make it so people see first what you say? I dunno how wordpress really works yet so maybe that’s not an option. But I really think you’re doing yourself a disservice by deleting/silencing whatever comments you needed to respond to.

    One shouldn’t have to defend oneself so much especially if the person they are defending themselves against isn’t heard.

    Like with my BPD I gladly responded to her TRO with a bold statement via a lawyer and made her become forced to reckon with her lies via my unsurmountable evidence presented against her. Same should apply with comments on the internet. I really get pissed off when bloggers pick and choose what’s shared and moderate things as if they are actually a Voice worth listening to because they can. Not saying you are doing that, but I witness all over the place. I’ve used varying styles of writing and have found that two are accepted most: styles that are so ambiguously descriptive and apparently intelligent that even the most perceptive human being can’t tell absolutely ZERO information is shared within it’s apparently concisely presented essay-like quality and dumbed down versions of yeah bro type comments that seem to validate things for a certain marketable spectrum of readers. So please for your sake make your website and responses more respectable by leaving what comments you felt readily acceptable to respond to posted as originally presented.

    I know you don’t want people to think they are right whoever “they” may be, but trust me, people can see through bullshit and will read their responses for what they are.

    To sum it up: post the comments, it would do us all a favor.

    • savorydish said

      Unfortunately, most of those comments were trashed. Not because they held opposing beliefs. As you can see, I often give borderline commenters their very own post. However, at the time this post was written, this blog was flooded with angry “activists” looking to disrupt this blog. The comments served no purpose other than to stir up trouble so I deleted them.

  14. Did we date the same woman?!? WOW…

  15. Reblogged this on Joshua Stone's Bloggy-Blog and commented:
    Holy crap. Josie was cloned!!

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