February 20, 2011

Not all people with personality disorders are abusive. But when a disordered person has been traumatized, that person can become a lit molotov cocktail. A couple of weeks ago, I published the audacious fact that the presence of BPD and alcoholism greatly increases the likelihood of sexual assault. The post was not apologizing for rapists nor was it condemning rape survivors. But even so the angry masses came, pounding their angry fists at my door. My post was controversial for sure, but enough to warrant death threats and other unhinged reactions?

I’ve deleted most of the angry comments that have come from the fauxminist mob, because I don’t think they contribute anything to the blog. This ain’t the Jerry Springer Show, kids. But I thought I’d give you a sample of what you missed:

kill yourself. fucking kill yourself. die in a goddamn fucking fire. i’m glad you’re super impressed with your own objectivity and are using it against rape victims. i hope it keeps you warm at night, and i hope you die cold and alone and in horrible fucking pain.

Uh… Yeah… I think it’s safe to say that this proxy has got some unresolved anger. Most likely she has has been traumatized.  She is externalizing the pain she’s been carrying inside of her. Intense pain. It’s obvious that she hasn’t been treated. This is what a traumatized and disordered person sounds like when they are out of control.

Do I really need to remind people that wishing death upon someone is not an appropriate way to communicate your feelings? Maybe if you were confronting the person who originally traumatized you. I’m sure this angry woman and the mob have all sorts of justification for their rage. A justification that allows for a pattern of unchecked behavior. Her words reveal an abusive nature. This is not normal or healthy. Being victimized is not a free license to act like a rabid animal. This is misplaced and disproportionate anger.

My unhinged ex said something similar to me once, after a heated political discussion. Yes, a political discussion. Even the most benign conversations had a way of erupting into uncontrolled rage and uncalled for personal attacks. Like a parent admonishing a child, I had to remind her what was appropriate and what wasn’t. My ex wasn’t quite as scary as this woman, but her comments were psychotic enough for me to want to end the relationship on more than one occasion. As usual, she cried and begged me to stay. And of course I made the huge mistake of staying. This was early on in the relationship but the abusive pattern would repeat itself again and again.

I was lucky in that her rage and violence was only limited to emotional outbursts. You could say this is the difference between disordered men and disordered women. That is not to say there aren’t women who would resort to physical violence. As you know, my ex cut her wrists in her teens. So the potential for physical harm was always there.

But I believe gender and social boundaries restrict them to emotional violence and more passive-aggressive type of abusive behavior aka silent abuse. As a troubled soul grows older they learn to hide their abusive tendencies. They become silent abusers. They learn defense tactics like denial, projection and gaslighting to avoid negative press.

Abuse is abuse. Just because it doesn’t leave physical bruises or scars, doesn’t mean harm isn’t being done. In fact, some would argue the harm is even greater because you can’t see it.  The lingering negative effects can be seen in the children of abusive borderline parents. Unless they take drastic measures to reverse the course of their lives, these children are doomed to a life of misery- more rage, more violence.

As I said, people with PDs and trauma put on a good act. Yes, some of these people do seem like they have their shit together on the outside. When people have been emotionally crippled their whole lives, they compensate by becoming overachievers. This is the facade of competency that most high-functioning disordered people are able to muster on occasion. (Think Charlie Sheen) They excel in academics and in their professional lives but fail in intimate relationships.

Some of the most intelligent and creative people I know are totally fucked up beyond belief. This is the paradox of the emotionally damaged. There’s a reason why most of them resort to drug and alcohol abuse. Not to mention suicide.

This is why they put up facades and false personas. If you visit any one of these angry fauxminist blogs they will serve you angry propaganda with a teaspoon full of sugar- funny gifs, pictures of their dogs, pictures of them partying it up. My angry ex loved sharing stories of vintage outfits she acquired. What well-rounded and well-adjusted rage-oholics they must be!  If the outside world only knew how dark these people were on the inside. They would ostracize these fringe fanatics more than they already do. So the act goes on.

Or to the opposite extreme they may put on a facade of being tough as nails, which is why my ex fashioned herself into an angry goth chic, a wannabe gangsta and then into a militant feminist. They may act like badasses shaking their fists at society. But in reality, these people are frightened of their own shadow. They are spooked by sudden movements and stiff breezes. Their tough guy image is their way of keeping other people at a distance. Ironically, this is why so many of them are dying of loneliness.

The unhinged can behave themselves when they are in public for the most part. But when they find themselves in an intimate relationship with another person, it’s really hard to keep up the act. If they have unresolved rage inside them, eventually it will come out… at you. Even if you weren’t the one who caused the trauma, you will be the recipient of all their stored up anger. Sometimes it will come out of nowhere. Sometimes all it takes is one harmless misstep to set them off. The recent mob attack has illustrated this very vividly.

The fact is an untreated survivor is unable to control their rage over an extended period of time. Sure there may be times when they remain eerily silent. But this is the calm before the storm. The rage is bubbling up inside of them. The contents of an emotionally damaged person are highly volatile.

If your partner has been traumatized, he/she has an obligation to get treated so that they don’t inadvertently unleash their rage onto you. If they aren’t treated, it is only a matter of time when you will be the subject of abuse. If they refuse to get help or don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, then it’s time for you to pack it up. You can wish them well, but you would be a fool to stay with them.

In the beginning, it will only seem like sporadic outbursts. You might be alarmed, but the emotionally damaged are very good at eliciting sympathy (making you feel sorry for them). You will forgive them because you know they are damaged. But if you continue forgiving them for their outbursts, you are allowing them to take advantage of your good nature. You are enabling their horrid behavior. Believe me, they have no problem with taking advantage of you.

Things only got worse when my ex split me black. Much worse. An untreated survivor can snap at any moment. You are putting yourself at emotional risk if you stay. An abusive survivor will take their toll on your well-being and maybe even ruin other aspects of your life, including your reputation. Do not let them take you down with them. Detach immediately and seek safe harbor.

If you do stay despite my warnings, keep a close eye on them. It takes years of therapy to reverse the effects of trauma. Know what you are getting into, before you commit to stay. If they start taking advantage of you, cut them loose. If they go back on any promises, say good-bye. If they quit therapy, that’s a deal breaker.

A survivor deserves compassion, but that doesn’t mean you should subject yourself to abusive behavior or allow them to walk all over you. If anything like that quote above comes out of their mouth, that qualifies as abuse. My ex would always apologize only to repeat her bad behavior over and over again. I made the mistake of forgiving her one too many times.

I made the mistake of getting emotionally attached to someone who wasn’t really committed to getting better. She was emotionally unstable and I made myself vulnerable to her. BIG mistake. She tricked me into believing she wanted to get better, but this was just part of her lies and manipulations. Now she’s saying I’m the one who’s crazy and abusive. And I’m suppose to believe she’s perfectly fine.

She has dragged my name through the mud and tarnished every loving memory we ever shared. And she has even recruited other untreated trauma survivors to apologize for her horrid behavior and to attack me for calling her out. She keeps her hands clean while others do her dirty work for her. This is how manipulative and controlling people behave. She doesn’t even have the decency to fight her own fights.

The mob is wrong. The bitterness between my ex and myself has nothing to with our break-up or any longing I have for her. If anything this blog has helped me realize how horrible she really is. Before all this went down, all I really wanted was to be on friendly terms with her. Yes, just friends. All I wanted was to maintain the good will we had between us before the chaos. But she burned that bridge down and everything it was attached to. This is what self-destructive people do. They aren’t content with destroying themselves, they must destroy everything around them.

There was a time I would do anything for her. I was more patient than I should have been. I stuck with her when anybody in his right mind would have made a run for it. But I stayed because I loved her. And she repaid me by treating me like her worst enemy. This is not how you treat someone who loved you with all his heart, someone who treated you better than anyone has ever treated you. But people like my ex can’t appreciate kindness. They only know how to take advantage of people and then toss them aside when they can’t deal with the fear of rejection.

My ex’s behavior not only constituted betrayal, it was abuse. It was an abuse of trust and an abuse of the love that was not easy to give. It is the only way you can describe it when someone systematically earns your trust and love, only to turn 180 on you and stab you in the back. This is the antagonizing and brutal nature you will find with anyone who has been raised in an abusive environment.

Which is why the angry mob has such a hard time understanding what the big deal is here. They see nothing wrong with my ex’s behavior. They’ve all grown up with this type of behavior. They would suggest that we all toughen up. That we stop being pussies. And that is why they are so monumentally fucked up in the head. Because to them, this is normal. This is perfectly acceptable behavior.

If you think my ex’s questionable acts were made up of a couple isolated incidents, then you are missing the well-established patterns of abusive and self-destructive behavior. With troubled souls it is never just one or two questionable acts. It is a lifetime of heartache and drama. Welcome to their world.

Sure they may be sweet and loving with you in the beginning, because this is how they lure people in. This is their Trojan Horse. Once you open your heart and expose your sensitive parts, they will go for the kill. You can argue whether or not they can help it. But it is clear that it is part of their nature. They grew up experiencing love and hate as one. Their brain is hardwired to associate love with pain. It would be foolish to think that they would not continue this pattern of behavior that has probably spanned generations in their family.

Don’t listen to these angry fauxminists who say it’s not a big deal if one of these troubled souls abuses you. They’re covering up their own tracks. These are the phonies that legitimize their rage by claiming that they fight for social justice. And then they rationalize and justify their own brand of abuse by demonizing you. Abuse is not a big deal for them because they have grown up in an abusive  environment. They’ve been desensitized and conditioned for abuse since birth. It is this culture of abuse that makes them incapable of intimacy.

The fauxminist mob would like you to believe that my ex is an innocent and helpless waif who needs to be saved from the tyranny of an abusive ex-boyfriend. But this is only projection on their part. A sad attempt to demonize me and invalidate my assessments of them. Shady and Garland have built a “career” off this racket.

The truth is my ex was the one who was abusive when we were together. She was even more abusive when the intimacy was too much for her and she needed to detach.  And she continues to be abusive from beyond the relationship grave. She was badmouthing me and recruiting proxies long before I even wrote any blog posts about her and her abusive ways. But yet, somehow, I’m the bad guy for responding to HER hostility.

The irony is if I was an abusive asshole, my ex probably would have been a lot nicer to me. She would have probably stayed with me. My ex loves bad boys. I guess I wasn’t gangsta enough for her. She loves low-lifes and scumbags. She loves people who cheat on her. If you use her for sex and then dump her, she will put you on auto-dial. She loves being treated badly. This is normal for her. This is what she grew up with.

Ever wonder how the Rihannas of the world end up with the Chris Browns (boyfriends who give them blackeyes)? By coincidence? By random luck? No. The reason why most of these troubled women end up with abusive men (despite not having signs around their necks) is because they are attracted to assholes. What? Self-destructive people with low self-esteem are attracted to abusive people? I know it’s a shocking concept. In some cases, these dysfunctional creeps remind them of dear old dad. Don’t be surprised to find out that dear old dad was an alcoholic abusive prick, because this is par for the course.

Common sense would dictate that these women look for a nice guy who will treat them well. But that’s not how a traumatized mind works. When a child is conditioned by years of abuse, they go on to repeat the pattern. It becomes part of their programming. They become addicted to chaos. They gravitate towards abusive personalities. They look for people who will treat them like shit. Because deep down they feel like shit.

If they did find a nice guy, they will most likely abuse him to re-create the turmoil that was part of their childhood. Or they will quickly become bored because there isn’t that adrenaline rush of conflict Or they will fear rejection/abandonment and find a way to sabotage the relationship before they become more attached. Or their poor self-esteem will allow them to believe that anyone who would love them must be defective in some way. Most likely it will be all of the above. Really any of these scenarios will cause the emotionally unstable to run. They run because intimacy freaks them out. It gives them the creeps. They literally don’t know what to do with it.

Troubled souls long for intimacy. But when it plops in their lap, they sabotage the love before it even has a chance to grow.  Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance -the clashing of two conflicting desires or beliefs. In this case, the fear of being alone vs the fear of intimacy. When they finally meet someone who treats them well, they are stricken with the fear of losing them. They dump you before you have a chance to dump them. They emotionally detach before you abandon them.

Once a person has been traumatized, emotional detachment (aka dissociation) becomes second nature to them. Look at how cold the mob has been with me. These people have been so traumatized, they are incapable of showing compassion or love. So they hide behind a wall of cynicism and apathy. That’s on a good day. On a bad day, they lunge at me with vicious and violent comments. They only empathize with my ex because she shares their same victim state of mind. But everybody else is a threat or a predator.

The mob has told me to get over it. But what would these troubled souls know of heartbreak? They only know superficial attachment. Anything deep and meaningful would cripple them with fear. They only know how to use and abuse people. They only use people to fill the void of emptiness that has been with them since birth. Break ups are nothing to someone feigns love. Someone who can switch off their emotions in a heartbeat.

But for a partner who has been fooled into thinking these troubled souls are capable of love, it will be devastating. You will be drowning in love while they will simply step out of the shallow end of the pool. They will wonder why you don’t just move on, because for them it hardly takes effort to walk away from a relationship.

A break up with someone like this will not feel like your normal heartbreak.  You are breaking an addiction. Literally. You are addicted to the feel-good chemicals that a trauma survivor has become an expert in eliciting. They have perfected the art of seduction to avoid abandonment. But this should not be mistaken for love. This is an artificial re-creation by someone who has never known true love.  When the fear of intimacy overwhelms them (and it always does), they will have no regret about dropping you like a hot potato.

This is not a normal break-up, because this is not a normal person. Normal people don’t cut their wrists when they’re having a bad day. Normal people don’t issue death threats when they don’t care for someone else’s opinion. Normal people don’t cut someone out of their life after telling them how much they love them just weeks before. You can blame their disorder, their upbringing or their trauma. Whatever it is that left these people unhinged, their behavior is anything but normal.

The best way to avoid being put through the wringer is to avoid these sad cases altogether. I have written a very detailed account of my ex and my relationship with her, so you will know what signs to look for. I have allowed the mob to infiltrate this blog to a limited degree, so you can see how these people operate.

The so-called advocates love to say abusers don’t wear signs. They’re wrong. They do. You just have to know how to read them. I’ve been dating girls like this my whole life and I have just now realized what signs I have been missing. I have realized the error of my ways. And the patterns I have been repeating. I have taken personal responsibility for my own well-being. Because no one else will. Especially, not my ex.

Though many of these troubled souls will see this post as a condemnation of them. It is in fact, an opportunity for them to change the course of their tragic lives. My ex has allegedly been molested, raped and mugged. And yet, she and her fauxminist friends claim she’s perfectly fine.

What more needs to happen to her for her to wake up? They have all failed to see a tragic pattern playing itself over and over again. Until she commits to change, she will continue the downward spiral that is her life. She will continue to abuse and be abused. She didn’t choose this path, but she has chosen to continue down this treacherous direction.

I wish I could say I wish my ex well. But she has used and abused me one too many times. I have forgiven her one too many times only to have her betray me and our love over and over again. It is hard to forgive someone who doesn’t even have the maturity, the courage or the decency to own up to her misdeeds. My recent experience with the mob has lead me to believe this type of behavior is more common then we think. Believe it or not, I use to be a nice guy. But unhinged people have a way of wringing the niceness out of you.

24 Responses to “Unhinged”

  1. Evan said

    Misandry disguised as feminism. Oh, and a career or two. Empowerment through abuse. Yippee. All men are evil. Thanks Sady, very enlightening blog.

    Btw surely you’re not suggesting Charlie Sheen is intelligent and creative?! Or did I just miss a sentence? JK

  2. savorydish said

    Dear Man Hater UK,

    How do you think I’m going to react to someone threatening to bite off my penis? Should I fear for the life of my penis? Or is it more likely that I am laughing my ass off… at your expense.

    I realize you’re dealing with some serious mental illness, but you’re trolling isn’t accomplishing anything. Sure, I get a pretty good laugh at how screwed up you are, but what are you getting out of it? Do you feel a sense of accomplishment? Do you feel vindicated?

    When you whip out one of your predictable grade school insults, do you imagine that I crawl up into fetal position and cry myself to sleep? Do you hope that I’m as emotionally fragile as you are? Impossible.

    You are living proof that children of abuse grow up to be abusers. Your grotesque comments paint a very vivid picture of your past, troubled one. Thank you for proving my point. Do yourself a favor and get some help.

    • savorydish said

      This is the type of diseased mind that is allowed to fester on tigerbeatdown aka whackjob central. The mentally unstable encouraging others to act out. As a society we need to keep these people in check. Awareness is the first step.

      • savorydish said

        It should be noted that most of Shady’s followers are basically children. Mostly teens or young adults with serious cases of arrested development. If it’s illegal for cigarette companies to advertise to children, then shouldn’t it be illegal for exploiters to advertise to the emotionally damaged?

  3. savorydish said

    Dear Chub Queen,

    I appreciate your opinion, but

    I don’t NEED to do anything you say. Nobody is forcing you to read the contents of this blog. If you don’t know any of the interested parties, then why the concern? What gives you the moral authority to tell me what I should or should not do?

    As I said I welcome your thoughts, but what I don’t appreciate is your judgmental and condescending tone. I’m glad you understand my side, but I don’t need your approval for anything. You don’t know me well enough to judge my character.

    This is the 4th time now that you have tried to impose your will on me. Are you some kind of control freak? Your repeated actions make YOU seem obsessive, like YOU are in dire need of attention.

    This blog is what it is. There is no hidden agenda. It’s all out in the open. What you read is what you get. What you read into it is your problem. Not mine.

    These people, you speak of, brought attention to themselves by acting like raging assholes. They targeted me and continue to attack me. They have neither apologized or retracted their statements. I will decide when I’m done with them. Not you. As long as these psychotic comments keep coming my way, I will reserve the right to comment on the senders as I see fit.

    If you don’t approve of my methods, then start your own blog.

  4. Evan said

    Whoops I forgot one. When you find someone who’s views you don’t agree with, tag them a ‘Troll’ and bombard them with flaming emails. Coz that’s justified. Because you don’t agree with something they said. But if Sady gets an abusive email that would abuse. If an anti-abortion group hit their sites with buckets of hate mail, what would that be? So they’re activists when they hunt a ‘Troll’ and victims of abuse when in reverse. Riiiight. Lol oh boy.

    • savorydish said

      It always seems to be the morally indignant ones who are the biggest hypocrites. These tigerjerkoffs strike me as being cut from the same cloth as those televangelists you see crying for the cameras. The fact that they are completely unaware of their hypocrisy suggests a serious personality disorder.

    • savorydish said

      Justified or not, I would also say their behavior is much more abusive than mine. If I have hurt them, it’s because the truth hurts.

  5. savorydish said

    No Chub,

    you’re not trying to help.

    You’re trying to act like you run the place. There’s a big difference. Helping someone is done out of genuine concern for another person’s well-being. What you are doing is helping your own ego. Your last three comments were attacks and now I’m suppose to believe you suddenly care about my “mission”. Give me a break. You are seriously self-delusional.

    You are more than welcome to stay, but let’s loose the bullshit pretense. Don’t insult my intelligence and I won’t insult yours.

  6. savorydish said

    I respect your concerns Evan. But you need not worry.

    I have thought about it (a lot) and I know exactly what I’m doing. If anything, these attacks have given me new material. These comments are proof how abusive these people really are. If anybody had any doubts that my ex was crazy or abusive, those doubts have been dispelled by the rantings of these lunatics. Guilt by association. I want people to know that my ex has sent proxies my way to fight her battles (a common BPD tactic). I want people to know that groups like Tigerbeatdown exist. I want people to know how these deranged people behave.

    Don’t worry about the comments taking over. There are over 200 comments in the bin. And while I agree they are comments from bullies and whackjobs, it is important for me to address them nevertheless. Not to answer these nutjobs, but to answer any doubts others may have. As you can see, I have not allowed them to spam the blog. And I have given them restricted access through my voice.

    I think it is important to show that this blog is not one-sided. We have the truth behind us. So there’s no need to worry about naysayers. But the strength of this blog will come from allowing others to criticize and try to poke holes in what is largely scientific fact. The absurdity of these fools trying to negate psychology with opinions and rhetoric is not only amusing, it shows how wrongheaded they are.

    This is not about Shady or Garland, it is about their condition. And they, like my ex, are merely case studies in disordered behavior. Their drama is part of the study of their condition. I can write posts about how these people need chaos. But it is much more effective to show the chaos in action. The drama also has an added benefit. It draws attention. The visits to this tiny blog have almost tripled, not counting the 1000s that were here for the 1st week. The drama and conflict keeps people interested, and keeps people reading.

    As much as I appreciate regulars like you, I am basically preaching to the choir. The challenge is to reach out to people who are not so eager to hear my message. While I have no delusions about converting the hardcore disordered. There are still many who lie just around the periphery. Some of them are young and troubled, but still have a chance at changing their lives.

    But at the end of the day, I’m not a missionary. I am just a guy trying to tell a true account of what happened to me just a year ago. There are plenty of websites dedicated to BPD. Websites that do a much better job of educating the masses. That is why I have provided links to them. I have no desire to compete with them. I’m just here to set the record straight. And if others get something from this blog, then even better.

    Like I said, I don’t expect people to agree with my methods. But there is a method to my madness. I can’t always give you want you want, but I respect your opinions. And as a faithful reader, I feel you deserve an explanation.

    I know you see this as a distraction, but all this drama is in fact part of the message of this blog. The drama and conflict is part of the story. The truth is I can’t go on forever with this blog. Believe it or not, I have a life outside of this blog and I need to attend to it. But that’s why I encourage others to tell their story. To start their own blogs. I can’t spread awareness by myself. So it’s up to people like you, Miss K and Skye to add your own voices. But thanks for staying with me this long. I do appreciate your support through all of this.

  7. savorydish said

    Also the flaming is a necessary evil. Under normal conditions these people are very good at hiding their disorders. But apply a little pressure and it comes out like floodwaters. It’s important for people to see this in action. This blog is a written record. Outside this blog, these people live somewhat normal lives. They may even hold positions of respect-some are journalist, teachers and artists. You would never know they were disordered if you met them in the outside world. The point of this blog is to show what these people are like behind closed doors. And sometimes things can get very messy and very nasty. BPD doesn’t exist in a vacuum or in sanitary conditions.

    • savorydish said

      The dialogue has always been an important part of this blog. Even if it is dialogue with crazy people. There is a part of me that wants to connect with these people. All of these critters remind me of my ex to some degree. So maybe on some level, I’m still speaking to my ex through her proxies. And through dialogue, I’m hoping they will question their old way of thinking. Even the craziest person has a conscience. There are quiet moments in between the flaming where I can see these people are listening to what I have to say. I have already started to notice changes in the beasts. They have softened their voices. They have become a little more self-aware. So Evan it’s not all for nothing.

  8. […] though I have had similar threats made to me by people from Tiger Beatdown, I would never condone this as a way of retaliation. Call-outs and put-downs are one thing. Threats […]

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