What Have We Learned Boys and Girls?

February 13, 2011

For a while there I felt like the most popular kid in school. What have I personally learned from this recent shitstorm?

Not much. What unfolded for all of us to see is exactly what I have been writing about for the last year. You can call them whatever you like- borderlines, trauma survivors, silent abusers, troubled souls, etc.. The name really isn’t important. Whatever you want to call their disorder, the abusive effect is all the same. If the shoe fits, wear it.

This recent experience has only confirmed what I have come to believe and echoed the drama that was ever-present in the relationship with my borderline ex (uh em… I mean alleged borderline)

I did learn that there is a hierarchy of abuse. Did you know that? I didn’t. According to the mob, not all abuse victims are created equal. Rape survivors rule the roost, followed closely by women abused by a borderline parent, then comes gay men bullied in school and at the very bottom are partners of abusive borderlines. I had the naive belief that abuse is abuse. But the mob showed up at my doorstep with pitchforks to remind me that my abuse was insignificant and not worthy of acknowledgment. I was to remain silent about my abuse. It was suggested to me that speaking about my abuse constituted… abuse. It seems only a select few are allowed to tell their story.

It’s ok for others to accuse me of abuse, but for some reason it’s not ok for me to expose their abusive behavior. It’s ok for them to question my choices but god forbid I question my ex’s. Even though she’s had a long history of making bad choices. When they talk about abuse it’s called awareness, when I talk about abuse it’s called harassment. I guess I learned that hypocrisy is hard to see when your eyes are on the lookout for abusive behavior in others.

So why is the mob so angry?

At the core of their anger is the fear of rejection. Trauma survivors and borderlines have heightened rejection sensitivity. It’s what makes them run away from intimacy. It’s what makes them lash out at those who question their character. These posts may seem harmless to the average person, but to a certain group of people (who shall remain nameless) it infuriates them to their very core.

These people carry with them great pain. People in pain can act out in inappropriate and abusive ways. If someone questions their bad behavior it triggers a fight response. Fight or flight. Those are always the two choices. They hit and run. That’s their MO. When you criticize them it triggers fears of rejection and memories of abandonment.

It’s odd because some of these people should be sympathetic to someone who has been abused by a borderline. Especially those raised by an abusive borderline or bipolar parent. Unfortunately, those who were once victims can often grow up to become the abuser. An abuser who lives in denial to cover up evidence of his/her own abusive tendencies. As they say, the apple never falls far from the tree.

Why all the drama?

This is what these people do best. They grew up in chaotic environments. And therefore they have been conditioned to expect a high degree of drama where ever they go. If they can’t find it, they will create it. The fact is nobody forced these drama queens to read my posts. But they were looking for a fight.

The fight instinct is ingrained in them. They probably grew up watching their parents fight. Look into their personal history and I’m sure you will find never-ending conflict. Look around them and you will find friends and family embroiled in their own dramas. This is a culture of chaos with its roots dug firmly into their past and will most likely continue into their future.

A child of a borderline is doomed to repeat the past until they acknowledge this cycle. We are all doomed to repeat the past until we can successfully break the patterns and cycles of abuse.

Why the cover up?

The angry legion have forgiven my abuser and excused her questionable behavior, while ignoring my pain and mocking my suffering. Why are they so eager to sweep my ex’s misdeeds under the rug?

Because trauma survivors are just that… survivors. They are constantly in self-preservation mode. In order to deal with the pain of trauma and persecution, they have learned to cloud the past and bend the truth. Deception is the only way they can function and survive to fight another day. It’s why their behavior seems so… well… shady.

Well-meaning mothers and fathers also cover up the tracks of abusive children. Not realizing they are only prolonging the suffering of a child who is constantly creating their own grief.

Why have they come to the defense of someone they don’t even know?

Because my ex is a kindred soul, a victim turned abuser. Her abusive behavior is their abusive behavior. To rationalize her abuse is to rationalize their own. If they allow one person’s questionable behavior to be questioned it opens them all up for judgment. That would mean they would have to answer for their own crimes. And when guilt brings as much pain as it does for the uber-sensitive, that can not be allowed.

What is the point of engaging these clowns?

Well, other than entertainment value and the opportunity to put these faux-minists in their place, it was an opportunity for those of you (who are unfamiliar with this type of relationship) to witness the abuse in action. Unlike physical abuse and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is not so easily spotted. Especially, when you are dealing with an abuser who is disguised as a victim. An abuser who is a master of illusion. A master of the cover-up.

I can talk about it all day but you will never experience what it feels like. You will never see what it is like when you are in a relationship with someone who is an untreated trauma survivor. You will never see the games that borderlines play.

Why attack me?

An untreated trauma survivor has been conditioned to fight indiscriminately. Like a wounded animal they lash out at anyone who comes near, no matter how good their intentions. Speaking the truth is too close for comfort and therefore they try to scare you away. They hurl threats at you in hopes of scaring you into submission.

As a loving partner of an untreated trauma survivor, you too will become the target of psychological attacks while the person who originally created the trauma is long gone. This misplaced anger is only a small example of the delusions that can come with a troubled mind. If you decide to become involved with someone who has this condition, you can expect the same.

So who is the real abuser?

Not all partners of trauma survivors are abusive. The abusive ones who treat them like shit usually end up dumping them or cheating on them, and don’t even think twice about it. Then there are the mild-mannered, kind and gentle ones. To love someone, who lashes out at you, requires a partner to be incredibly forgiving and unbelievably patient. Maybe to a fault. Who else would put up with such abuse?

Sadly, damaged souls are more likely to be nice to someone who abuses them. And then abuse the ones who love them. But don’t take my word for it. Look around, you see it all the time.

Why the false accusations?

The world of an abuse victim is a world of perceived threats. A child who is abused spends the rest of his/her life on high alert. As they get older, they are more concerned with emotional threats than physical threats. The threat level rises when he/she becomes emotionally vulnerable to someone. This can lead to a state of paranoia.

False accusations are among the most dangerous weapons in a borderline’s arsenal. The closer you get to them, the more likely they are to use it against you. And then they wonder why they get so much negative attention. How are people suppose to react when a trusted love one suddenly antagonizes you or betrays your trust? With hugs and kisses?

Why did my ex cut me out?

While we were dating, it was apparent to me that my ex was easily creeped out and freaked out by strangers. We would go to parties and she would finger out people who she thought were rapists. Yeah, kinda scary. She was suspicious of everyone’s motives including her own friends and family. And when I fell out of favor, I too became the perceived abuser. All the loving memories we shared seemed to magically disappear. While once I could do no wrong, now everything I did was wrong. This is called “being split black”.

But if I was indeed abusive to my ex, why would she stay with me for 8 months? Why would she invite me to move to LA with her? Why would she come back to me for comfort after she was rejected by her secret lover? Even after all the horrible things she had said about me. Is it a coincidence that I became the “abuser” once I started writing the truth about her, once I started seeing her for who she really is? Is it a coincidence, that she split me black after she became vulnerable to rejection?

She shut me out because I got too close for comfort and she became too dependent on my love and approval.  My honest observations of her were too painful.

Why do they make lovers into enemies?

The fact is when you are dealing with a borderline or even an alleged borderline who is stricken with the fear of abandonment, devaluation and demonization of an ex is to be expected. It doesn’t matter how much you think they love you. The more they fear losing you, the harder they push you away. To justify such cruel and heartless behavior, they must make you look like the bad guy.

Why is it a sin to talk about rape?

Because rape is one of the most traumatic experiences that can happen to someone. And when you throw BPD into the mix, it only increases the level of pain. These people are walking around with deep deep scars. That’s why they are so hyper-sensitive. Just reading a post about rape triggers all sorts of pain. And if you question someone who has been allegedly rape, then you become Satan himself. The shame and fear of rejection is like someone sticking a hot poker into their wounds.

Why so sensitive?

Hypersensitivity is part of the reason they are unable to regulate their emotions. Someone once compared loving a BP to hugging a burn victim. What a great analogy, because it says so much about anyone who has suffered trauma. They will always misinterpret your intentions. They will always shoot and ask questions later. They will always blow things out of proportion. They will draw you in only to ruthlessly push you away.

Relationships are hard enough on their own, but trying to maintain sanity in a relationship with someone who has untreated trauma is impossible. You could be the kindest most gentle human being in the world but how can you love someone who associates intimacy with pain? It is a no-win situation.

So who’s right?

In the heat of battle, it is easy to forget who is in the right. The abusers have accused me of being an abuser. I have also been accused of gaslighting, projecting and all the nasty tricks in a silent abuser’s own bag. I say they are hyper-sensitive. They say I am insensitive. So who’s right and who’s wrong?

Imagine what a relationship is like with a person like this? Someone who constantly makes you feel like an asshole when you’re not. Constantly questioning your motives. Constantly questioning your character. This from a person who supposedly loves you. Imagine how maddening that must be. This in itself is the worst form of abuse. It’s a total brain fuck.

But as a partner of a trauma survivor, you must always remember the greater trauma lies with them. The trauma or the memory of that trauma is a constant source of evil. Yes, we all have our own issues or we wouldn’t find ourselves in this kind of relationship. We all project and gaslight to some degree. These defense mechanisms are part of human nature. But when untreated trauma and personality disorders are present, it mutates the defense mechanisms into abusive behavior, into patterns of abusive behavior, into a history of abusive behavior.

Claims to victimhood must always be subject to scrutiny, when dealing with someone whose mind has been damaged by trauma. Once a victim, always a victim. Their claims are based on clouded memories and poor judgment. Our claims are based on science and logic.

Can’t they see their flawed logic?

BPD is a disorder where intense emotions overwhelm cognitive function. It makes smart people do stupid things and think stupid things. These are reasonably intelligent people. Yet their minds are so tangled with highly charged emotions, they can’t even see what is painfully obvious to everyone around them. Which is why they have such a hard time fitting in. This is why they often sequester themselves to fringe groups and dark corners of the blogosphere.

They are unable to see the correlation between their traumatic past and the pattern of chaos and drama that ensues. Their mind lacks clarity. They are unable to connect the dots. They engage in risky and self-destructive behavior, but they can’t see why. They antagonize others and can’t see why people treat them so poorly.

So has any good come out of this?

As expected, this drama has brought new exposure to this little blog. Awareness is growing. These are the people I have been talking about. These are the people who need to read this blog. As much as I appreciate my regulars, I am mostly preaching to the choir. The challenge is to reach out to those who don’t want to hear what I have to say.

I’m sure most of the mob will remain steadfastly in denial. But I hope a handful of them may take something from of all this. This blog won’t cure their trauma, but it may open their eyes just a little bit. The abusive comments have all but vanished. So either they have lost steam, or maybe just maybe their conscience has taken in some of the lessons learned.

What’s the solution?

Is it, as they suggest, to censor ourselves. To tippy-toe around sensitive topics. To treat them with kid gloves. To allow them to have their temper tantrums and let them viciously attack you at will?

At the risk of starting another shitstorm, I will firmly say NO. The answer lies with them. They need to seek help. They need treat their trauma and their personality disorders. You can do nothing for them. You should not have to tolerate their abusive behavior and you have every right to point it out. You have every right to hold them accountable.

All you can do is create awareness and encourage them to seek help. This is the unfortunate responsibility of anyone who would call themselves a loved one. To look the other way or cover up the abuser’s tracks only makes you an enabler. As the cliche goes- if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

Nobody wants to condemn people who have already been victimized. The point is to get these people to acknowledge the pain they have caused others. They are continuing the cycle of abuse. The point is to get them help, to stop their suffering and the suffering of those around them. And if they refuse to seek treatment and willingly continue their abuse, then they deserve to be called out.

So what’s the big deal?

The same deal that applies to awareness about rape or AIDS. BPD is a growing epidemic. And I am personally becoming aware that survivors of abuse are becoming more and more common. With each generation passing on the tradition of abuse, the numbers grow exponentially.

As one reader noted, BP abuse is not a crime. It doesn’t even register on most people’s radar as abuse. Even those who have personally experienced it don’t recognize it as abuse. Awareness becomes an uphill battle when part of the disorder involves self-denial and self-delusions.

The effects of this kind of emotional abuse are real. There’s a reason why children of borderlines grow up to be tortured souls. There’s a reason why BPD has such a terrible stigma. Unfortunately, it is only now being understood by those who call themselves mental health professionals. BPD is a new frontier. And abuse-related trauma is (as you can see) a touchy subject.

So many of my critics call this an obsession. I would say it is much needed awareness. In the end, victims of BP abuse just want their pain to be acknowledged. And when the abusers go so far as to recruit others to stay in denial, it only serves to add salt to our wounds and prolong the animosity between two people who once loved each other.

It’s ironic, that those who have taken up the banner to spread awareness about rape and domestic violence, have also tried to silence the victims of emotional abuse. What’s wrong with this picture? How can we talk about one and not the other? Clearly these people are creating a distraction. They are avoiding self-examination. They are avoiding taking responsibility for the people they have harmed.

Victims of this abuse should rest well knowing that no amount of denial can silence the tell-tale heart. Eventually, their conscience will catch up with them. There’s a reason why suicide is so high amongst these tortured souls. There’s a reason why these people engage in self-destructive acts. As much as you hate them, they hate themselves even more.

My borderline ex is most likely wrestling with her own conscience. Her self-esteem is almost non-existent at this point. Which is why she has desperately reached out to other bitter pills for back up. This is the blind leading the blind.

23 Responses to “What Have We Learned Boys and Girls?”

  1. savorydish said

    Good question Evan,

    obviously I still have bitter feelings towards my ex. But I can safely say I am emotionally detached. That is there is no more love or dependency. I no longer miss her and can see her with clear eyes.

    Though I am still saddened by what could have been and will still cherish the good times we had, I know now that it was it was only a matter of time when the relationship would have come to a tragic end.
    I no longer blame myself but I take responsibility for having chosen to get involved with someone who was clearly emotionally damaged. I’m learning to trust my extincts more. Whereas in the past, I would have ignored them.

    But lessons learned are hard to implement. Old habits are hard to break. I have an addiction to femme fatales. I know this. But changing my ways is where I need improvement.

    I have been dating other people, but I still feel myself trapped in the same pattern of dating emotionally damaged women. Just this weekend, I met a beautiful woman who was sexy, smart and creative. My dream girl. And we had an amazing time. People were coming up to us to say what a great couple we were.

    But as she got more tipsy I started seeing signs of my ex in her. And I was instantly turned off. I have become viscerally repulsed by women who I know will abuse me. That’s a good sign.

    Now I just need to develop the ability to find those women who are good for me and will be good to me. And I think that means I have to work on myself more. If I’m healthy, then I will attract healthy people to me.

    How about you?

  2. Evan said

    I haven’t been doing any dating, but have been taking some time off to reflect. I think nearly everyone who has been through what we’ve been through initially gets extremely pissed off to put it lightly. I think a lot of people can get stuck in this phase, or feel powerless to be able to let go. But I am not not diminishing the abuse that can happen over months, years or decades and its effects. Marriages, children, finances, friendships, feelings and everything can all be hurt or destroyed.

    Why do we hang onto the bond so long afterwards? The exbpd moved on hours/days afterward. Not that’s a healthy example of course! Why do *we* hang onto this prior rship? Think the answer is not the same for everyone.

    And yes much like my thoughts, I will continue to trust my instincts. I will have an open mind, but I won’t doubt myself.

    zzzzzzzzzz sleeptime

    • savorydish said

      If I may, I ‘d like to answer your last hypothetical question. We (the nons) hang on, because we have unresolved feelings of betrayal. Unresolved because BPs live in constant denial. Their fragile ego can not handle accepting responsibility for their wrong-doings

      This was no ordinary break up. We are not just talking about a broken heart. We are talking about a co-dependent relationship. We are talking about a person who avoids abandonment by creating unbreakable emotional bonds through idealization. When you are trying to get over a BP, you are basically trying to break an addiction to the feel-good chemicals in our mind and body. A borderline has been perfecting the art of creating this unbreakable bond since birth.

      The borderline on the other hand, can detach in an instant. This is a coping mechanism. This is how they cope with the pain of abandonment. This is why they keep their emotions shallow. Trauma survivors are always prepared to jump ship at a moments notice. Once bitten, twice shy.

    • savorydish said

      I think reflection is good, but sooner or later you have to jump back in the game. Even if you feel you are not ready. Not only will it help you get over your ex, but you may actually learn more by doing rather than thinking.

      You don’t want to rush the healing process, but there is also the possibility that you may be stuck in fear. Totally understandable, but you should be conscious of it anyways. good luck.

      • Evan said

        No, I’m just taking time off dating to think about it all. I’ll know when I’m ready. Time off can be a good thing.

        As for why we hang on to dead exbpd rships, the reasons can be different for different folks. The exbpd experience is not the same for all.
        all the best

      • savorydish said

        That’s cool. I didn’t mean to suggest you were doing anything wrong.

        I agree, no need to rush. It will happen as long as you are conscious of the big picture. I took time off and it did wonders. I went back to being independent. Rushing back too soon can suggest a fear of being alone. Those people are trying to fill a void. When my ex got married it wasn’t for love, it was to lock someone in. She was looking for a spare tire to get her through the loneliness. It takes great strength to be on your own, not everyone has it.

        I also agree that everyone has different reasons why they hang on. But when you are talking about the common thread of BPD, you are also talking about common attachment disorders.

        we all have different stories, but there are common themes running throughout.

        Good luck.

  3. savorydish said

    Penny Dreadful,
    Maybe if you were a nicer person, they wouldn’t be comparing you to Hitler all the time.
    That’s Savory’s Law.

    • savorydish said

      Penny (aka Garland)

      It has occurred to me how desperate you are for attention. So it doesn’t really matter who called whom Hitler.
      You’re both assholes worthy of the comparison. The both of you recruit emotionally damaged people and feed them with hateorade. It’s your own little Hitler’s youth camp. At least be honest about it. If you don’t like Hitler. I could always compare you to Jim Jones, Charles Manson or David Koresh. You all fit the same profile. You all need your little minions to feel almighty. I’ve got the both of you figured out and it pisses you both off. Happy Valentine’s!

      • savorydish said

        Mtthw,
        you can criticize me all you want but at least back it up with facts. instead you offer me a lot whining based on conjecture and hearsay.
        You talk a big game but so far you offer nothing.

  4. savorydish said

    You can huff and you can puff. But you will never blow this house down.

  5. savorydish said

    Mtthew,
    Abuse is abuse. Abuse in any form is not OK. Get it? Being raped does not give you permission to abuse others. Or to continue lashing out and acting out.

    There is treatment for rape survivors. If you do not seek it, then you are making the choice to continue the cycle of abuse. You have gone from victim to abuser. Infidelity is only one of the many many ways trauma survivors abuse their victims. If you had read my blog, you’d know all of this. But instead you choose to be ignorant. It’s all about choices.

    • savorydish said

      Being psychologically raped is as offensive as being physically raped. When you use someone as your emotional punching bag it is as harmful (if not more so) than physical abuse. Children of borderlines often become suicidal and addicted to chaos. Just because you can’t see the harm, doesn’t mean harm isn’t being done. Educate yourselves and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I know you think your wounds deserve more attention, but take some time to think about the suffering of others. It will make you a better human being.

      • savorydish said

        Basically, Mtthw is enforcing gender bias. Disordered men and disordered women are abusive in different ways for obvious physical reasons. Screwed up men rape and beat women/men. Screwed up women psychologically manipulate and abuse men/women. Both are equally damaging and offensive. The end result of both kinds of abuse is a partner who also becomes psychologically scarred. Thus the cycle of abuse. Studies have shown that psychological abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. If you can prove otherwise, then show me the proof. Otherwise, you’re just whining.

      • savorydish said

        I had the good fortune of only being exposed to this abuse for a year. If you want to see the long term effects, take a good look at how screwed up Shady is. The fact that she has had one abusive relationship after another is not a coincidence. It is the result of being conditioned for abuse. Those who are conditioned to receive abuse are also conditioned to dole out abuse. The more conditioning, the more abuse.

        The hierarchy of abuse is bullshit. It is a construct designed to make certain victims feel more important than others. They are compensating for an inferiority-complex. It’s a pissing contest to see who is more worthy of pity. I am not suggesting my pain is as great as others. But what I am suggesting is that every victim or survivor has the right to set the record straight and tell their story, no matter how insignificant others may think their suffering has been. And I would question anyone who tries to devalue such a process, because it makes me think they have something to hide.

  6. savorydish said

    For the record, I never spoke of abuse until my ex made it an issue. I never saw myself as a victim, until I read one story after another of people being abused just like me. This whole abuse obsession is her creation, it’s her culture. I am merely answering her cries. I’m only setting the record straight. It seems she and her cohorts need to be reminded of what constitutes abuse and what constitutes false allegations of abuse.

  7. savorydish said

    How about instead of debating whose abuse was worse, we acknowledge everyone’s pain and suffering no matter how small and insignificant it may seem. Then we can all stop abusing each other and get on with our lives.

  8. savorydish said

    Penny Dreadfuls were sensational stories directed at marginalized teens. Garland also targets the disenfranchised youth of the internet.

  9. savorydish said

    Why are these people apologizing for my abusive ex?

  10. savorydish said

    Avitty,
    Why are you trying so hard to convince me you’re right and I’m wrong? Do I go to your tumblr page to convince all your readers I’m right? You accuse me of being ignorant, when you have yet to offer any arguments based on facts. You do know what facts are, don’t you? BPD is a fact. Don’t take my word for it. Do your own research (I’m gonna keep repeating this until you people get it through your thick skulls) Just because a bunch of high strung wackjobs think I’m a bad guy, doesn’t make it so. And repeating these opinions ad nauseum makes me think that you are not only BiPolar but also OCD. I don’t believe in conspiracies, I just believe there are a lot of bored emotionally unstable people who like sticking their noses in other people’s business.

  11. savorydish said

    ps feminist theory is not fact. That’s why it’s called theory. Just because others don’t subscribe to it or drink your kool-aid, doesn’t mean they’re ignorant. Accusing people of being ignorant just makes you sound ignorant and insecure.

  12. savorydish said

    So let me get this straight… I’m an asshole for pointing out someone else’s assholish behavior?
    When does the irony stop?

    I think it stops when people start taking responsibility for their own behavior. When they make the decision to stop antagonizing people. When they stop sticking their noses in other people’s business. When they become aware of their passive aggressive behavior.

    You people work so hard to change the world into your image, but all you need to do is change yourselves. You think beating people over the head will make them see things your way. When all they see is how troubled you are.

    Treat others as you would have them treat you. Living life by this simple rule would vastly improve your life.

  13. savorydish said

    My Dearest Shady Sady,

    Nobody is “twisting” your personal stories against you. True, your stories do provide great insight into your troubled mind. But we hardly need to know your past, to determine your current state of mind. Your behavior in the last week alone speaks volumes about you.

    If you don’t want people to characterize you as an “unhinged bitch” then stop acting like an unhinged bitch. If you can’t control your behavior that is a sign that you need help.

    This has nothing to do with feminism. It has everything to do with the unresolved pain you feel inside. I don’t need to know the details of your life to see this pain.

    You’re right, I am some random person. A random person YOU decided to target and antagonize. And now you’re going to act like the victim? Do you realize how psychotic that is?

    The fact that you have an army of followers only reminds us that the emotionally unstable need structure and guidance. History is replete with examples of delusional people following the orders of mad men and women.

    You’re also right that I can’t stop you. I can only make you and others aware of your own folly. But if you wish to continue this train wreck, I will gladly step aside and watch you ride off the cliff. But if you think I’m going to allow you to take me with you, you’ve got another thing comin.

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