How Do You Define Rape?

February 3, 2011

My borderline ex recently tweeted this question. It’s an important question, because sexual assault is something that needs to be talked about.  But it’s a troubling question when you are talking about someone who has borderline personality disorder.

It’s a troubling question because it suggests that the circumstances behind her rape are questionable. It’s a horrible thing to consider, but borderline personality disorder brings everything into question.

According to her, it happened at a college party. According to her, she was drugged by an acquaintance.  According to her, she lost consciousness and woke up with this man on top of her. The first thing out of her mouth: “Did I agree to this?” That’s a pretty horrific story to recount. But what’s even more horrific is that she doesn’t remember whether she gave consent or not.

This is significant when talking about BPD, because borderlines often suffer from impaired memories. They are also notorious for altering memories to avoid the crushing blow of reality. Which may be why they are often seen as being compulsive liars. But they are, in fact, self-preservationists. And sometimes self-preservation means re-writing history to cope with trauma.

At the time, I believed her story. Who would make up such a thing? But I have since learned of what she is capable of. She is not the woman I thought I fell in love with. She is screwed up beyond belief and it scares me to think what she is capable of. I’ve seen her twist the truth without any thought or effort. Was this story one of her half-truths?

Is it possible that she was embarrassed by her drunken behavior? And if so, did she merely choose the best possible scenario to put her in the best possible light. That is to say if you had a choice between being a victim of rape or confronting your shame, wouldn’t you choose the option that made you less responsible?

One has to consider that she is a histrionic borderline. And as such, she will do anything to get attention, even negative attention. She will create drama because she craves it. She will play the victim because this is how you elicit sympathy from people. When you consider all of this, it makes the story a little more murky.

When someone fears abandonment as much as a borderline, you will be surprised by what they will say to make sure you never leave them. One must bear in mind that she only confessed her rape to me, because I was about to walk out the door. Playing the victim was her way of pulling me back in. She often played the sympathy card and it worked every time. Her rape was the excuse she used for her bad temper and abusive behavior. This is how she was able to get away with so much.

My ex doesn’t consider herself an alcoholic. To be fair, she doesn’t drink a lot. But when she does, the change is quite alarming. She becomes emotionally detached and she has no boundaries. This spells all kinds of trouble. The fact is when you can’t remember whether or not you agreed to have sex with someone, that is a sign of hardcore alcoholism. Alcoholism is very common amongst borderlines. Some scientists believe both disorders share common pathways in the brain.

Sexual assault is also very common amongst borderlines, especially if they’ve been traumatized in the past. It is a disorder that makes you blind to dangers. Advocacy groups want you to believe rape is a totally random act that can happen to anybody. And while that may be partially true. The truth is the presence of BPD and alcoholism greatly increases the likelihood.

Predators are very particular about their prey. Like all cowards, they prey on the weak and sometimes that means people who are crippled by trauma or personality disorders. If that person has a history of promiscuous behavior and out-of-control drinking, then that person becomes an easy target for all sorts of creeps.

Am I assigning blame to the survivors of rape? No. I am assigning blame to a disorder that puts people at risk. Borderlines are constantly placing themselves in harms way. It is part of their self-destructive nature.  Sure, that guy she was with has to answer for his shady behavior. But what is she doing hanging out with guys who have sex with unconscious women? Borderlines are bad judges of character. This is a product of their upbringing and impaired cognitive abilities. This is another disturbing side effect of BPD. Given a choice, borderlines surround themselves with sketchy people and push away those who care for them.

She used to joke that she expected me to be a douche, because most of the guys she dated were total assholes. To her surprise, I treated her like a princess, she returned the favor by treating me like shit. She antagonized me until I responded in kind, so that she could finally prove I was indeed as terrible as she expected me to be. When you treat people badly, how do you expect them to respond? Borderlines are victims of their own self-fulfilling prophecies. When you expect the worst in people, that’s what you get. When borderlines are not gravitating towards bad people, they are bringing out the worst in good people.

It’s ironic that, while she is in firm denial about her BPD, she is entirely comfortable talking about her rape. This indicates to me that she is comfortable playing the victim, but not yet ready to accept responsibility for her own behavior.

But the truth is her behavior is a product of her disorder. Her rape may also have been a product of her disorder. To address her rape and ignore her BPD, is to ignore the bigger issue here. When you talk about BPD, you are talking about a person who is destined for tragedy. I’m all about increasing the dialogue about rape, but let’s include a dialogue about a disorder that increases the likelihood of rape.

37 Responses to “How Do You Define Rape?”

  1. savorydish said

    Dear Rose and Other Angry Survivors,

    I’m sorry for what happened to you. You have every right to be angry after what happened to you. But you have chosen to misdirect your rage at me. I am not the person who assaulted you. Lashing out at me is neither appropriate nor will it change what happened to you.

    Your sarcasm is not lost on me. But I find you have taken to melodrama to prove your point. Even so your defensive comments deserve a response. I am not suggesting that certain women deserved to be raped. To suggest that indicates that you have not yet come to terms with your own feelings of shame. Let’s make this clear- Those feelings of shame are coming from you, not this posting.

    Please read my article carefully, before you make such offensive claims. People with BPD do have a history of hanging out with a bad crowd. Abused children grow up trusting the wrong people. That is a fact. If you can refute that, then show me evidence of the contrary.

    The fact is there are red flags for bad people. I have spent the good part of this year learning what they are, so that I don’t fall victim to another abusive relationship.

    Nobody deserves to be abused or raped, but it behooves them to learn what those red flags are. I have made myself responsible for preventing future harm. So should every man and woman. I see nothing wrong with spreading that message.

    Would you criticize someone for writing about fire prevention? Would you accuse them of suggesting that certain people deserve to have their house burnt down? No, you wouldn’t. Because that would be absurd.

    I know you think I’m a misogynist attacking survivors for shits and giggles. But you are only looking for someone to bash. You are looking for a place to dump your unresolved feelings of shame and anger.

    If you are a true feminists you will encourage other women to empower themselves, rather than playing the victim card. You will encourage people who have a history of abuse and neglect to seek help. You will learn more about personality disorders and how they affect one’s life. Because these are things that actually help the cause. Lashing out at me helps no one.

    Being a survivor of rape is not a free license to lash out at people or pass judgment on people who you don’t even know. I understand this is a touchy topic, but I think you would agree that this topic needs to be discussed. Censoring people with your rage is not going to help people understand your position. It just makes people more wary of emotionally damaged people.

    When you are ready to play nice and have a rational discussion, I will gladly post your concerns. You can spend the rest of your life attacking people or you can educate women on how to avoid being victimized. The choice is yours.

  2. Meg said

    It sounds like you’ve lived through some serious gaslighting, or manipulative behavior designed to throw you off-balance. I’ve been there; I came out of a relationship with a narcissist who genuinely believed things to be true that had, at best, a tenuous connection to reality. It took me a couple years to figure out what was fact and what wasn’t, and to separate the issue of unreliable narrator from the narrative from that period.

    I do think it’s a mistake to generalize from one specific experience, even to other people who might share a mental health diagnosis.

    I think that at that point it stops being about rape. Not the hanging out with “would have sex with an unconscious person” people; I have seen no evidence that anyone can tell rapists from non-rapists, especially since the most successful rapists are serial offenders who remain uncaught. Somewhere between 6% and 13% of young men (depending on the study) are self-admitted, unconvicted rapists, so pretty much the only good bet is to avoid men all together.
    Using past trauma as manipulative tools, or as an excuse to treat other people badly until they fulfill your worst expectations, isn’t limited to rape or a history of assault or a history of sales people treating you unkindly; people who cynically manipulate use whatever they’ve got. Ultimately, there is nothing to be gained from questioning whether it happened unless she is pursuing charges against the guy or harassing him or something; doubt wouldn’t change anything. Either her behavior is acceptable, or it’s not. If some of it isn’t, either she’s seeking to change those, or she’s not. “Rape survivor” isn’t an excuse, it’s an explanation.
    I’d recommend reading Allies in Healing, which talks some about setting your own boundaries and focusing on support instead of tolerance. There is an important difference.

    There are multiple ways the word “rape” is used, most notably where the intention lies. Legally, the intention of the person dominating the other matters; if they had a “reasonable expectation” of consent, they’re off the hook legally speaking. However, from the perspective of the person who has their agency over their body taken away from them, it is far less important. If they say “no” and their partner keeps going anyway and they don’t bother saying “no” again because it’s just going to be ignored, it doesn’t matter if the partner thinks they successfully “seduced” them, or that someone else in that situation might have been successfully seduced, it can still mess them up.

    Because not all survivors are the same. On the other side, I know people who experienced such dramatic and destructive trauma that when they were later raped, in violent, terrible circumstances, it didn’t have much of an effect on them; they didn’t have any concept of agency left for it to shatter. Sometimes they’ll still bring it up as an explanation, because it is easier than explaining a complex childhood of abuse that it is impossible to describe without disturbing or traumatizing the listener, and making themselves vulnerable (since people are assholes and will respond with things like, “that didn’t really happen”, or “I’m sure your parents were under a lot of stress”, or “that was a long time ago; can’t you get over it?”) “I was raped,” lets them skip over the details and have their ultimate experience of reaction-to-trauma still be understood.

    It’s not that her experience wasn’t rape, in the sense of “unwanted sexual contact, making the target feel helpless and attacked”, or that the rapists were okay people after all, it’s that it isn’t always the absolute worst thing in someone’s life. And if one of the things about your life is waking up and having to figure out if you consented? That would suck even if the answer was “yes”. If the guy having sex doesn’t notice that doubt and uncertainty and lack of response and at least ask if his partner is okay? I think he’s an asshole even in the case where he’s not a rapist.

    So, I think the question of “was it *really* rape?” isn’t the important one to be asking here. “How do we resolve someone’s past with our expectations of their behavior?” might be, or “how do we allow survivors to express the full range of their experiences without taking their stories personally?” Just saying “BPD makes women more likely to be raped,” doesn’t suggest anything about how to make those rapes less likely to happen. Because actually it shares that feature with depression, anxiety, schizophrenia and post-traumatic stress disorder (as well as being poor, Black or trans). Vulnerable women who are least likely to be believed are the most likely to be raped, making it clear that the problem is rape, not vulnerability.

    • savorydish said

      Thank you Meg for being the only person to respond like an emotionally-healthy and mature adult.

      (For you hysterical and abusive narcissists, this is how you get posted here. Temper tantrums will only get you tossed in the trash.)

      • savorydish said

        @Meg
        I agree rape is a problem. But I disagree with your point about vulnerability.

        You can’t control the behavior of someone else. But you can control your behavior. Predators seek out the weak. That is a bona fide fact. Seeking treatment makes you less likely to be raped.

        And if you’ve already been raped, then seeking treatment will heal those wounds. And prevent you from spreading pain and suffering.

  3. savorydish said

    My Dearest Angry Ex,

    I see you’re still too cowardly to confront me personally, because you have taken to recruiting proxies AGAIN, recruiting other angry victims who think I am a convenient scapegoat for all their pain.

    To answer your question, I don’t think every woman has BPD. Just the ones who show clear signs of abusive behavior (re-read this blog if you need a reminder).

    But don’t take my word for any of this, do your own research. Get an official diagnosis. If I am wrong, then I will gladly publish a public apology. You have nothing to lose. And you can only gain insight into why your life is filled with never-ending chaos and drama.

    But recruiting other wounded animals, like Poor Misguided Garland, to harass me is just sad and pathetic. It only confirms how emotionally damaged you are.

    All of you are acting like a bunch of crying babies who can’t stand it when someone thinks badly of you. Take a minute to look in the mirror, if you’re looking for someone to blame for your misery.

    I will publish any comment that comes from a rational adult. You don’t have to agree with me, but you do have to act like a mature and sensible human being. I have a strict no asshole policy and all of you are in serious violation.

  4. savorydish said

    Dear Sady Doyle,

    I am very impressed by your awesome display of power and influence over the world of emotionally damaged people. But if you think recruiting proxies to attack me is going to make me sympathetic to your cause, you might want to re-think your approach.

    You can save your anti-rape rhetoric for someone else. There are no pro-rapists here. I’ve heard your tired speech hundreds of times posted by other angry feminist. So you’ll have to find another way of demonizing me. Having researched BPD, I am very familiar with your tactics. Perhaps you should continue reading this blog and learn a little something about yourself.

    For the record:I love women. Many of my readers are women. And they are all treated with due respect. I treated my ex better than she treats herself. That was before she decided to act like the bitch from hell. But you wouldn’t know that because you already have your pre-conceived notions.

    What I don’t like are abusive people who pose as victims, feminists or “advocates”. You can be assured that my campaign will continue. Because people should be aware of your charade.

    You are no crusader, Sady. You’re just an angry person desperately looking for respect. But you’re not going to get it acting like a child.

  5. savorydish said

    Some of you are having a hard time grasping the idea of a blog. Like a diary or journal, you will find very personal thoughts and experiences.

    If you don’t like what you read, move on. Get over it. But I won’t post your tirades. Learn to control your emotions.

    If my ex didn’t want me talking about her abusive behavior, then she shouldn’t have been so abusive. Maybe she should spend less time recruiting, and more time working out her abusive tendencies.

    If you think insulting me and telling me to shut up is how adults behave, then maybe you need to do some growing up. Seriously. If you find this material offensive, don’t read this blog. That’s how free speech works.

    Clearly, some of you have been abused as children. And now you are taking that anger out on me and the world. Well, guess what? You have gone from victims to becoming abusers and internet bullies.

    All you angry people are just proving my point. If you’re not sure what my point is… continue reading.

  6. savorydish said

    BPD is a disorder where intense emotions override cognitive function. One clear sign of BPD is the desperate need for attention. Learn to recognize these red flags and avoid these drama queens at all costs.

  7. savorydish said

    Dear Alex Christman,

    I can assure you that no one is trying to strip you of your power. lol. That is only the over-reactive imagination of a person suffering from a major inferiority-complex. If you are that desperate to seek attention on my blog, you should think about growing up “bro”. I know you’re trying really hard to earn points amongst the wounded animal club, but you are only making yourself look very foolish posting over and over again.

  8. savorydish said

    Dear Bridgette,
    If you read the rest of my blog you will see that I have no problem with people disagreeing with me. I understand that this is a sensitive topic for victim-types. But when people lash out with insults and disproportionate rage I have no choice but to assume they are emotionally unstable.

  9. savorydish said

    If I am so off-base then why the knee-jerk attacks? Why not do some more reading before you make a judgment. None of you know me or my ex, but yet you are convinced that I’m the abuser. You assume she is innocent. Some of you haven’t even bothered to read past the offending post.

    None of you are aware of her history or her reputation, but yet you have come here en masse to defend her honor. How strange. None of you are aware that she has a history of cutting her wrists but yet you are sure she is perfectly fine. Curiouser and curiouser. None of you, including myself, were there that night she was allegedly raped and yet you are sure she was raped(without a doubt)Hmmm…

    I can only assume your attacks are based on your own troubled history. Like you said, I’m not a professional therapist. So I invite my ex or anyone here to prove me wrong. All she needs to do is get diagnosed. If the therapist says she’s perfectly healthy then I will publish a public apology.

    But why the resistance? Why the denial? Why the knee-jerk anger?

  10. savorydish said

    Dear Shallow Water,

    That is a perfect name for you. Because I find your attacks to be shallow and defensive (ie lacking substance or substantiation).

    This article is pointing out that people with personality disorders are more vulnerable to attack. Just like a house with open windows is open to burglary.

    I am not saying (or have ever said)they are asking to be raped. Please save me the typical advocacy rants. I’ve heard it all before. Nobody is excusing rape.

    To accuse me of that only makes you sound melodramatic, irrational and hysterical. It makes you sound like you suffer from a serious case of victim-complex.

    Your anger is misguided and misdirected. Please look for more constructive ways to deal with your internal pain. If you want to get posted, at least try to act rational. At least make it sound like you actually read my post.

  11. savorydish said

    I will say this though- If you have a history of blacking out, it’s probably not a good idea to attend a party full of boys by yourself. This is just common sense. No red flags needed.

    No “I’m a Rapist” sign needed either. I can go to any party and tell you what guys to watch out for if you are still in doubt. But if you’re the kind of woman who is attracted to bad boys, I can’t help you.

    Do I think rapists should be burned at the stake? Absolutely. But why put yourself in a position that makes you vulnerable to attack? Why not go to a party with a female friend? Why not stop drinking if you have a problem? Why not attend an AA meeting?

    If you are a rape survivor or think you may have BPD, why not seek counseling? If PTSD survivors need therapy after a war, shouldn’t a rape survivor do the same? Are these unreasonable requests?

    Being compassionate towards victims does not mean turning a blind eye to irresponsible behavior. That’s not about shaming people, it’s about making people responsible for their own well-being.

  12. savorydish said

    Dear dear Shallow,

    Please don’t act like you care about my well-being. It’s passive-aggressive and disingenuous. It makes your do-gooder message sound fake. You are not an advocate. You are an angry bitter woman looking for a man to hate on. That’s a fact.

    Chew on that for a while before you go spreading more false accusations. I could really care less if you think I’m nice or not, progressive or not. I’m not interested in shallow labels. Clearly you are.

    If you want to judge me without knowing me that’s your prerogative, but it says more about you than me.

  13. savorydish said

    Poor Alex needs a friend. LOL.

    Did I mention being desperate for attention is a sign of a narcissistic borderline? More red flags on the way.=)

    Oh wait, I’m the one with the issues. I’m the one who cuts my wrists. I’m the one who cheats and lies. I’m the one who abuses people who love me. I’m the one with an eating disorder. I’m the one who recruits proxies. I’m the one who is passive-aggressive. Sorry, my bad. I must be projecting.

    I’m actually tempted to post all 30 comments just to show you what gaslighting looks like. Go ahead, wiki it.

  14. savorydish said

    I see the babies have finally cried themselves to sleep.

    Here’s a tip for all you “advocates”:
    If you wanna win people over, try being a little less hostile.

    If you wanna get posted: you don’t have to agree with me, you just have to sound rational.

    I know you think pouring blood over people will soothe your savage heart, but it only makes you look like a bunch of hysterical irrational bed-wetters.(see Victim Complex)It makes me wonder what horrible things happened to you in your childhood.

    You are doing nothing for survivors or feminism. All you people are doing is patting each other on the back. You are upsetting yourselves and antagonizing people who are basically on your side. At least get some new material. Enough with the excusing rapists, rape apologist, blah blah blah rant. Nobody is pro-rapist here so fight your own demons elsewhere.

    It’s why your efforts will always be seen as fringe radicalism. You are nothing but a glorified and self-righteous hate group. Go ahead, Google it.

  15. savorydish said

    Oh and thanks for the referrals. Over 2000 hits today! Together we can raise awareness about BPD and BP Abuse.
    Remember: there is never an excuse for abuse. Any kind of abuse. Whether you’re a man or a woman. The cycle of abuse stops with you. Who wants a hug?

  16. savorydish said

    If my ex is such an anti-rape advocate…

    Why hasn’t she pressed charges against the man who allegedly raped her? Why allow an alleged rapist to roam free? why is she tweeting about me and not the rapist who is free to rape someone else?

    Why is she accusing me of being an uber creep when her very own father was sneaking around with her lesbian fiancee? Some would say it’s creepy that she was cheating on me and then lied about it. If you wanna talk about creepy, talk about the behavior of a narcissistic borderline. There’s nothing creepy about showing someone’s true colors.

    Why are these people working sooo hard to defend a fake feminist? She doesn’t care about other people. Everything she does is a front. I have witnessed her trash her girlfriends, her mom, and random women walking down the street. She even hates herself. She is a misogynist if ever I saw one.

    Think about that before you defend a woman you don’t even know.

  17. savorydish said

    Shallow Water,

    It’s past you bedtime. Please don’t lose sleep over me! lol.

    I understand you’re obsessed with me, but it’s time for you to move on! What we had was special but now you need to find someone else who can fulfill your “special” needs. I am not that guy. I will never post your comments. Because I think that would only encourage you to obsess about me.

    I will only abuse you and strip you of your power. I’m no good for you- I apologize and excuse rapists. I am a bad bad man. Find someone who can make you feel like the mighty feminist that you are. Be free. Somewhere out there is a very lucky but submissive effeminate male waiting for you.

  18. savorydish said

    ps If you wanna get drunk and pass out a frat party be my guest. Nobody is taking that right from you. Ignore everything I posted and throw caution to the wind. I am a misguided soul with nothing to offer and ignorant about feminist theory to boot. Clearly you are a well-adjusted individual and capable of dealing with life’s ups and downs. Carry on.

  19. savorydish said

    My dearest Shallow Water,

    I do believe you have a crush on me (blush). But I am a taken man. You see, I’m obsessed with my borderline ex.

    Don’t worry, I won’t tell your angry feminist friends about our shameful relationship. If nothing else our short-lived relationship has been entertaining if not enlightening.

    The truth is I’ve heard your rant before, preached by hundreds of fems just like yourself, fresh out of feminist theory class. But I am a firm believer in people taking responsibility for their own well-being as opposed to playing the victim card.

    I have held myself responsible for allowing an abusive borderline into my life. I am not excusing my ex or apologizing for her. I’m just taking responsibility for my own well-being. I may very well need therapy after her abusive treatment. But you needn’t concern yourself with my mental health.

    With dedicated supporters such as yourself, I am healing through love. But I leave you with this-
    If you ever do meet another man, please treat him well. Otherwise, karma will get you. Mean girls always get what’s coming to them. The truth always gets out.

    I hope you will come and visit me from time to time. We have so much to learn about each other. Together we can foster growth and understanding.

  20. savorydish said

    First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win ~ Mahatma Gandhi

  21. savorydish said

    I don’t know why you people are so fixated on signs that say “I’m a rapist”. You must have read that somewhere. Out of all my male friends, I can honestly say none of them would ever ever have sex with a woman who passed out. If you have trouble picking these guys out of a crowd, you might want question your own judgment.

    • savorydish said

      Wolf Alice,
      This is my blog, not yours. Get that through your thick skull. If you have a problem with me posting my own comments and not yours, you are more than welcome to leave. Your comments will be posted when you have demonstrated that you are a rational human being that can control your emotions. All you have demonstrated along with the other mental cases is that you have unresolved issues that you need to resolve with a therapist. Lashing out at someone you hardly know is not an appropriate way to deal with those issues. You have a lot of open wounds. I get that. But you wont heal them here. You are only opening those wounds even more. You are acting out and it will not be tolerated here. That is why your comments are in the trash. Get some help. You are out of control. You will not find resolution here.

      • savorydish said

        Wolf Alice,

        What is to be served by this exchange. You think I need a therapist. I think you need a therapist. We’re going in circles here. Are you desperate for attention?

        if you want to remain in denial that’s your prerogative, but you will not be allowed to participate until you can act like an adult.

        Right now you are acting like a 5 yr old, screaming and crying because I won’t give you your way. Grow up. You are embarrassing yourself.

  22. savorydish said

    People, if you don’t want me to think you’re emotionally damaged- read before you speak. Know what you are talking about before you open your mouth… instead of blindly swinging your angry little fists. I know you people are chronically angry but please get a grip.

  23. savorydish said

    I’m almost tempted to post their irrational rants so people know what disordered people sound like.

    Seriously, avoid these people like the plague. They are sinking ships looking to take people down with them.

  24. savorydish said

    Dear X,
    I am posting your quote because it was a sincere attempt at contributing to the dialogue:

    “Why hasn’t she pressed charges against the man who allegedly raped her? Why allow an alleged rapist to roam free? why is she tweeting about me and not the rapist who is free to rape someone else?”

    I tried to press charges against my rapist. Nothing happened, except that my PTSD was triggered and I was attacked for being abused. I wish I’d never done it.
    These things aren’t as simple as you think.

    I am well aware how difficult it is for survivors to bring such cases to court. But I still think all rapists should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law but I certainly understand your hardship. I’m sorry you went through such a horrible experience. And I appreciate you giving us your perspective.

    In the case of my ex, it is (as you said) not that simple. The reason why she did not prosecute is because she herself does not know if she was actually raped. She will tell you differently, but deep down this is why she did not move forward on this. Rape cases should be subject to scrutiny. We are talking about people’s lives and reputation. I know this sucks for people who are legitimate survivors, but that makes it even more important to weed out the bullshit cases.

  25. savorydish said

    I thought I would share this little gem. A quote from an admirer. This and many like her are part of Sady and Co. I wanted to share this with you so you know what kind of minds I’m dealing with:

    kill yourself. fucking kill yourself. die in a goddamn fucking fire. i’m glad you’re super impressed with your own objectivity and are using it against rape victims. i hope it keeps you warm at night, and i hope you die cold and alone and in horrible fucking pain.

  26. […] sorry but didn’t Flaky basically confirm everything I was attacked for? I’ve been writing about poor boundaries, self-medicating and problematic […]

  27. […] my borderline ex will be ecstatic over this news. My ex has a personal interest in this story, she claimed she was raped in college. This new definition helps make her case. The problem is my ex has a history of compulsive lying, […]

  28. Anon said

    Omg. I know it’s a little late to be commenting now but I just had to! I just want to say this works both ways, I’m a girl and I’m dealing with a GUY who is pulling this same BS. I am absolutely convinced he has BPD and I’ve been encouraging him to look into it.

    Basically, it’s a very complicated and weird situation but. He and my sister were in a relationship that they both agreed would end once the school year was over because she is going to college and the circumstances just didn’t allow it. They ended on totally peaceful and mutual terms. I’m pretty much best friends with this guy and I continued to talk to him but he started acting completely uninterested and like a total jerk to me. In addition, he fabricated an entire story about how his friend now likes him and they are beginning a relationship. We both believed this for a while (obviously it was hurtful) until it all started coming together. He and I were arguing over text message and he said “I’m like this because of my past”. I was like you are still responsible for your actions! He calls me on the phone and tells me this story about how he was raped by his best friend in 6th grade, he told his other best friend and she ended up telling everyone so it got to the police, who did NOT believe him, and ended up threatening him to keep quiet or else he would be thrown in jail. He then had to tell everyone he was lying about the whole thing, and get this, this guy ends up doing the same thing to a GIRL last year. And of course my friend feels horrible because he could have “warned her”. I believed him. He added in a bit about something hurtful his mom said to him (coincidentally right after I said at least your parents supported you and were there for you). I cried for hours and felt absolutely terrible for him, no one deserves that, and I ached for the pain he went through.

    He had told my sister the same story a couple months back before the relationship was about to end (she didn’t tell me about it). Like me, she fell for it and was there to support him when he needed it. Thing is, we started catching on to his lies, he had several inconsistencies in his story that revealed he was lying (and he had multiple versions of the rape). In addition, what gives it away, is that he used it as an excuse for his behavior and his paranoia and to get sympathy. I told him you were a victim once but you are still responsible for his actions. He claimed the rape influenced his every action and that it’s not his fault basically. He told my sister he “has a secret” when he wanted sympathy while they were arguing – and he made her guess the secret! (Who makes someone guess a secret like that?) When she asked “sexual assault?” he said no and right after that constructed the rape story. Dead giveaway.

    After discovering all his lies I found out he is a huge manipulator (I looked up passive aggressiveness on Google). He crazy makes, guilt trips, and acts super passive aggressive. He constantly lies about things that don’t seem like they would require lying about and explains away all his lies like a pro. He will act like nothing happened if he falls asleep while we are arguing (text). I still care about him so much and have encouraged him to get help. I don’t think he is able to care as much for anyone as he does for himself. He cares more about his ego than anything else and I think he perceived abandonment (because we’re going off to college) and acted on it, even though I’ve been nothing but a great friend to him. He’s expressed resentment over this. I’m a girl, and the thought of this rape tore me up. Does anyone think of how completely selfish that is to do that to another person? To make up a story that would cause so much pain and concern for another? The worst part is he hasn’t admitted to any of the lies and still claims it’s true. He’ll bring it up randomly while I’m angry and use it against me. I really think he has very low self esteem and irrational thoughts that cause him to act irrationally – hence leading me to believe he has BPD, and when I confronted him he agreed he might have it but later got angry and said “you just want me to be crazy so your diagnosis can be right and you can feel good about yourself!” In addition,before he even “confessed” this secret, I told him he was very aggressive and rapey when it comes to wanting to kiss and such and he said “it’s not like you’ve been raped.” Horrible thing to say to someone, as you never know.

    Let me tell you, this type of person is absolutely emotionally draining. He/she will make you feel like you are doing something wrong no matter what and will play with your emotions. Rape is absolutely never okay. Even if a girl is drunk or unconscious, it is still not okay for a man to have sex with her. Of course people should not put themselves in risky situations to begin with (ie. don’t drink too much, don’t go alone or with strangers, etc…). People still get raped though even when they take precaution, it just happens and it isn’t their fault, it’s a matter of control for the rapist and doesn’t mean the victim was necessarily vulnerable. But to lie about getting raped like that is absolutely disgusting, and it’s insulting to people who have actually been raped. He turns it around on us and says we’re just like the “DA and police” because we don’t believe him. I have been completely understanding the entire time and told him I’m not mad and just want him to be honest, I gave him links and resources to help him. I know that he has issues of his own and I wanted to continue being friends. He says it is a pride thing. Absolutely, because people with BPD mostly operate surrounding their ego. It is completely selfish and cruel to act that way to someone who cares about you. He is so controlling and I think he was angered at the thought that I wouldn’t believe one of his lies more so than that I didn’t believe his rape. I got a very uncomfortable feeling on the phone when he was yelling and panting on the phone (by the way, a real rape victim would not react that way. They would be very hurt but not so defensive and such. I know people who have been sexually abused and they never wanted to talk about it). I almost felt like he was dangerous and was honestly scared that he would do something. I can’t know for sure he has BPD but that is my suspicion.

    I’m sorry this post was so long but I see you’ve had a lot of negative feedback and wanted to let you know that I totally understand where you’re coming from and was shocked to read how similar your post was to my experience (I even sent some of it to him, lol). Maybe my experience sounds similar to the one with your ex? Either way, I honestly just hope he gets the help he needs (because I know it is a problem with the way he thinks) and realizes how much my sister and I have done for him and how he’s basically pushed us away. He will never have a meaningful relationship if he continues treating people this way. And I kind of blame myself for letting it get this far.

    PS: If you want to publish this, I’d prefer if maybe you could take out some of the really personal details just because I don’t want him to come upon it but if not that’s fine too. Hope this comforted you a little… good luck

  29. payton said

    As someone who has BPD and has been a victim of rape – I would like to say that while the personality disorder may attract predators, mine had nothing to do with previous traumas, the disorder, or alcoholism. Also, although what you say is pretty accurate, not all of us with BPD are bringing out the worst in others or gravitating towards bad people. It’s a common theme one sees in individuals with BPD, everything you said really, but I go to therapy twice a week and have some very healthy relationships. Just don’t want you to think we’re all like that because of one bad experience you had. I did enjoy the read though, so thank you for that.

    • savorydish said

      I’m glad you are the exception to the rule. But I think it has a lot to do with the fact that you are aware of your BPD and talking to a therapist twice a week. Best of luck.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for your feedback. I always welcome insight from the other side. Thank you for confirming the accuracy as well. It’s been more than one bad experience for me unfortunately. But talking about all my experiences helps and so does the feedback from readers like you.

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