Some of you extremists seem bothered by my lack of credentials, so here’s Kerry Jang, a professor of psychiatry (personality disorder specialist) to drop some knowledge on you. I’m pretty sure he has more credentials than both Shady Doyle and Garland Grey.

This is a long article about BPD, so I posted some highlights. Since I didn’t write it, you’ll have to leave your hate mail elsewhere. You can read the entire article here:

But she couldn’t deny that the telltale signs—including intense but stormy attachments and extreme emotional reactions—described her perfectly.

Although not as well known as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, BPD is more common, affecting about two percent of adults, mostly young women, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, a division of the U.S. National Institutes of Health.

But local health professionals who specialize in the disorder say that BPD is grossly overlooked by the medical profession and funding bodies.

People with BPD often experience instantaneous shifts in their attitude toward people close to them, veering from idealization (love and admiration) to devaluation (anger and dislike). Although people suffering from depression typically endure the same low mood for weeks, those with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, sadness, or anxiety that last just hours.

They often feel misunderstood or mistreated and lack a sense of identity. They might make desperate attempts to avoid being alone and act impulsively, spending excessive amounts of money or having risky sex. They can come across as manipulative, controlling, unwilling to change, and attention-seeking.

At the root of people’s volatile, unpredictable mood swings is a fear of abandonment or rejection. Consequently, those with BPD can react with hostility to short-term separations such as a business trip or even a last-minute cancellation of plans.

Their cognitive distortions can lead to frequent changes in long-term plans, career goals, jobs, friendships, and personal values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally unworthy or have issues with gender identity.

They tend to have other, compounding health problems, too, like substance-use issues, eating disorders, and even other mood conditions, such as bipolar disorder (which, once referred to as manic depression, is marked by extreme highs and lows).

BPD is also marked by chronic thoughts of suicide or actual attempts.

He explains that people with BPD live in a constant state of fear.

The world seems to them a threatening and frightening place,” Livesley says. “As a result of this emotional instability, their relationships with other people tend to be chaotic too, and unstable.…They have endless fears linked to emotionality, which adds to the instability of life.”

Those with the condition can act on those fears in physically damaging ways.

“There can be self-harm: they cut; they overdose; they hit or burn themselves,” Livesley explains. “This is an attempt to control their feelings, as they haven’t learned alternative ways to handle their emotions.…When emotions are this unstable, they’re very difficult to handle.”

“The condition has taken on a lot of negative connotations, so diagnosis is usually pejorative,” Livesley says.

It can be hard for people to get help, Jang notes, because so many who have the disorder don’t recognize the symptoms.

Many people who have the illness don’t think they’re ill,” he explains. “They can be the sweetest and nicest person in the world one minute, then mad as hell the next.”

He and a team of researchers from Harvard University recently had a paper accepted for publication by the Archives of General Psychiatry, an internationally renowned medical journal. In their study, the authors conclude that heredity has a role in the development of BPD.

“This large family study confirms that BPD is passed on within families,” Jang says. However, although genetic factors likely play a part in BPD, no specific genes associated with the condition have yet been identified.

Other risk factors for BPD include sexual or physical abuse.

“People with BPD are branded as out of control, extremely angry, and manipulative. Even treatment providers turn them away because they’re deemed too difficult to work with.

“There’s a stigma attached to BPD: if you’ve got BPD, your personality must be flawed; it must be a scar on your soul that will never go away. But research shows that people do get better over time. Impulsivity and suicidality tend to decrease with age; however, fear of abandonment and rejection do not.

People have this emotional roller-coaster ride with extreme highs and lows. Some have trouble with the justice system: they might be dealing with out-of-control gambling or substance abuse,” he says.

“I’ve heard someone with BPD can be compared to someone with third-degree burns on their skin: emotionally, they’re that sensitive,” she says. “It’s so hard to realize you have a problem and then to find a way to deal with it.”

These were some of the comments from the readers. Once again, I didn’t write these so you’ll have to direct your anger elsewhere:

  • People with Personality Disorders aren’t responsible for their illness, but they are responsible for how they treat others.
  • I’m just tired of PDs expecting far more than they are willing to give. I’m willing to relearn behavior even though it’s not easy. I’m willing to leave the blame behind. Sadly, the PDed in my family aren’t as willing.
  • BPD is, because of it’s nature, very difficult when someone close to you has it. Physical and emotional abuse, as it may lead to (intentionally or not) is not ok. I belive that a big part of recovery includes getting the disordered people to realise how others actually feel when getting exposed to some of their behaviours.
  • people with BPD have no control over the fact that they have this illness. And as such, while they are responsible for taking action to recover and change their behaviour, this can’t happen overnight.
  • those borderlines are NUTS! ex girlfriend drove me to have my own mental breakdown. stay away!!
  • Does that mean I can treat people badly with no consequences when I get bored during a staff meeting or triggered because someone in the elevator reaches into my personal space to press a floor without saying excuse me? No, because while I didn’t ask for anxiety and ADHD and it’s not my “fault” I have them, it is my “responsibility” to manage the symptoms and behaviors that accompany them.
  • I know with my mother, she refuses to accept even the most basic of responsibility for how she treats people. Up until we ceased contact a year and a half ago, she was still emotionally abusive with rages, smearing campaigns, etc.
  • Sure, my mother didn’t ask to have a PD and I know it was abuse and trauma that made her the way she is. But as long as she refuses to acknowledge/take any responsibility for the emotional carnage she’s wrought, I want absolutely NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with that toxic piece of work.
  • I kept trying to make things right and be the bigger person. I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve spent, how many times I’ve walked on eggshells dealing with her. I overthink everything and constantly blame myself because I was conditioned to do that as her scapegoat.
  • You claim they have no control over their behavior. Well, then, why do they behave differently in public than they do in private? My mother made a big show of being the loving mother in public. Yet in private, she’d tell me I’d probably get breast cancer too if I didn’t lose weight when I took 2 weeks off from work and spent airfare to care for her after a mastectomy.
  • I’m not saying it’s easy to control behaviors. Just that they choose not too.
  • PS if anyone with a Personality Disorder is reading this, here’s what I have to say as the daughter of someone who likely has a PD: Get help, get meds if need be. Yes, it’s great if other people can help/be supportive, but one should never use a fellow human being as a doormat or an emotional scratching post. That goes double for the ones we claim to “love”
  • As for public versus private actions, unfortunately we act out more towards people we trust, which is terrible and I, for one, feel horrible every single time. I feel badly for the family and friends who are hurt by all people with BPD and it isn’t fair but no, actually, we can’t control it, no matter how much we tell ourselves “not again” and no matter how much we despise ourselves for it. As for being a doormat, that isn’t fair either, but it is then it’s up to you to draw the line and take care of yourself; cut the tie until that person gets help or forever if need be. Just because that person can’t control themselves doesn’t mean you have to live with any abuse.
  • Hopefully with knowledge of the disorder, more will get diagnosed and get help so no one, BPD or otherwise, will get hurt by this disorder.
  • the issue here isn’t that it’s misunderstood. it’s understood.
  • it’s that our culture of entitlement promotes and rewards this behavior.
  • BPD’s make bad choices and they know the difference.
  • they just don’t care. and when you love these people, it wreaks havoc on everyone.
  • BPD’s also trust no one. they go through a cycle: they idolize it, they demean it, they destroy it. this is all in the research.
  • as soon as you get close, they demolish you. then they try and destroy your friendships with others.
  • they don’t “relearn” either. they adapt and go covert.
  • few get through this. it’s in the research thats quoted here.
  • i suggest for your own “understanding ” on the subject, you look it up. it’s all online.
  • then hit a few of the BPD support groups and see what those people have to say. this isn’t a BPD witch hunt.
  • but it is what it is. they are hardwired this way.
  • While I agree with you that more awareness and treatment is necessary, I disagree on the public vs. private thing. If the person can control behavior in public, they can do it in private. Behaving vastly different in public also contributes to the gaslighting and crazymaking. People often don’t believe the person who’s been abused by someone with a PD because the person with a PD acts so differently in public. If parents with PDs can treat the child they scapegoat differently than their golden child, they’re obviously capable of some control over their actions.
  • I have enormous respect for people like Julie who posted about her own experience. She doesn’t use her illness as an excuse and makes an active and concerted effort to address the effects of it.

Revisionist History

February 22, 2011

Every now and then I look at my stats to see where traffic is coming from, and I click on sites to see where they lead. One of my clicks lead me to this little bit of revisionist history by Shady O’Doyle:

The alarming thing, however, is that he’s already grooming another woman for this abuse. Her name is “Skye” and he’s writing things about how she’s a good abuse survivor, a good person with BPD, she’s a nice obedient enlightened girl who apologizes when she does something bad, she’s the only one he likes. She’s in a vulnerable situation, and he’s creating trust between them. So that she’ll like him enough to get closer to him.

I wonder if Skye knows that I’m grooming her for abuse. lol. I didn’t even realize I was capable of such evil. But if Shady says so, it must be true. So according to Shady’s (fuzzy) logic- if I’m nice to a woman, I must be trying to lure her into my underground dungeon. Somebody better warn Skye!!! I think Shady has watched Silence of the Lambs one too many times. Either that or what we are witnessing is the paranoia and misandry that sometimes comes with being an untreated survivor of an abusive father. Or we are witnessing a desperate woman. A woman who is so afraid of losing her following, she is willing to resort to the lowest common denominator.

Shady is upset that I demanded an apology from her. So rather than admit that she’s wrong, she slams Skye for apologizing to men she has wronged. Suggesting Skye is a weak-willed woman, who is “vulnerable” to my amazing trust-building skills. Notice how Shady positions herself (a bitchy woman who doesn’t have the courage to own up to her misdeeds) as the gold standard in womanhood. And then looks down upon someone like Skye who has the balls to take responsibility for, not only her own well-being, but the well-being of others. I think this little post of hers says more about Shady’s character than mine or Skye’s.

Skye has more courage than all of Shady and Co combined. She has been through the same abuse that Shady complains about, but look at the difference. Skye has not only accepted the fact that she has BPD, she is working hard to beat her disorder. Meanwhile a coward like Shady spends all her time attacking people she doesn’t even know in an effort to make her look the like the victim/hero and to sell more crappy t-shirts. No wonder she can only get troubled teens to follow her. What a great role model she is!

This post seems to have been written about a week ago, and things have calmed down since then. The “war”is over, but I can’t let this one slide. Cowards like Shady and my ex need to be called out for bullshit like this. They call themselves feminists but yet look down on fellow feminists. They use activism as a way to legitimize their unresolved and untreated rage. They are troubled women looking for trouble. Antagonizing people and then claiming they are being victimized by the people they antagonized.

She accuses me of manipulating a woman who is much more strong-willed than Shady will ever be. While Skye is confronting her past, Shady is living comfortably in denial. She belittles Skye, but she does it to flatter her own ego. Shady is very good at spinning a story and twisting the facts. She is a master revisionist. And her followers are gullible enough to eat it all up. Her followers are too stupid to realize Shady is exploiting them- the young, naive and emotionally damaged. They listen because she tells them what they want to hear. She tells them it’s ok to be a horrible human being as long as you’ve been victimized. If this doesn’t pull the cover off her scam, then clearly there is a sucker born every minute.

I hope you’re proud of yourself, Shady.

Unhinged

February 20, 2011

Not all people with personality disorders are abusive. But when a disordered person has been traumatized, that person can become a lit molotov cocktail. A couple of weeks ago, I published the audacious fact that the presence of BPD and alcoholism greatly increases the likelihood of sexual assault. The post was not apologizing for rapists nor was it condemning rape survivors. But even so the angry masses came, pounding their angry fists at my door. My post was controversial for sure, but enough to warrant death threats and other unhinged reactions?

I’ve deleted most of the angry comments that have come from the fauxminist mob, because I don’t think they contribute anything to the blog. This ain’t the Jerry Springer Show, kids. But I thought I’d give you a sample of what you missed:

kill yourself. fucking kill yourself. die in a goddamn fucking fire. i’m glad you’re super impressed with your own objectivity and are using it against rape victims. i hope it keeps you warm at night, and i hope you die cold and alone and in horrible fucking pain.

Uh… Yeah… I think it’s safe to say that this proxy has got some unresolved anger. Most likely she has has been traumatized.  She is externalizing the pain she’s been carrying inside of her. Intense pain. It’s obvious that she hasn’t been treated. This is what a traumatized and disordered person sounds like when they are out of control.

Do I really need to remind people that wishing death upon someone is not an appropriate way to communicate your feelings? Maybe if you were confronting the person who originally traumatized you. I’m sure this angry woman and the mob have all sorts of justification for their rage. A justification that allows for a pattern of unchecked behavior. Her words reveal an abusive nature. This is not normal or healthy. Being victimized is not a free license to act like a rabid animal. This is misplaced and disproportionate anger.

My unhinged ex said something similar to me once, after a heated political discussion. Yes, a political discussion. Even the most benign conversations had a way of erupting into uncontrolled rage and uncalled for personal attacks. Like a parent admonishing a child, I had to remind her what was appropriate and what wasn’t. My ex wasn’t quite as scary as this woman, but her comments were psychotic enough for me to want to end the relationship on more than one occasion. As usual, she cried and begged me to stay. And of course I made the huge mistake of staying. This was early on in the relationship but the abusive pattern would repeat itself again and again.

I was lucky in that her rage and violence was only limited to emotional outbursts. You could say this is the difference between disordered men and disordered women. That is not to say there aren’t women who would resort to physical violence. As you know, my ex cut her wrists in her teens. So the potential for physical harm was always there.

But I believe gender and social boundaries restrict them to emotional violence and more passive-aggressive type of abusive behavior aka silent abuse. As a troubled soul grows older they learn to hide their abusive tendencies. They become silent abusers. They learn defense tactics like denial, projection and gaslighting to avoid negative press.

Abuse is abuse. Just because it doesn’t leave physical bruises or scars, doesn’t mean harm isn’t being done. In fact, some would argue the harm is even greater because you can’t see it.  The lingering negative effects can be seen in the children of abusive borderline parents. Unless they take drastic measures to reverse the course of their lives, these children are doomed to a life of misery- more rage, more violence.

As I said, people with PDs and trauma put on a good act. Yes, some of these people do seem like they have their shit together on the outside. When people have been emotionally crippled their whole lives, they compensate by becoming overachievers. This is the facade of competency that most high-functioning disordered people are able to muster on occasion. (Think Charlie Sheen) They excel in academics and in their professional lives but fail in intimate relationships.

Some of the most intelligent and creative people I know are totally fucked up beyond belief. This is the paradox of the emotionally damaged. There’s a reason why most of them resort to drug and alcohol abuse. Not to mention suicide.

This is why they put up facades and false personas. If you visit any one of these angry fauxminist blogs they will serve you angry propaganda with a teaspoon full of sugar- funny gifs, pictures of their dogs, pictures of them partying it up. My angry ex loved sharing stories of vintage outfits she acquired. What well-rounded and well-adjusted rage-oholics they must be!  If the outside world only knew how dark these people were on the inside. They would ostracize these fringe fanatics more than they already do. So the act goes on.

Or to the opposite extreme they may put on a facade of being tough as nails, which is why my ex fashioned herself into an angry goth chic, a wannabe gangsta and then into a militant feminist. They may act like badasses shaking their fists at society. But in reality, these people are frightened of their own shadow. They are spooked by sudden movements and stiff breezes. Their tough guy image is their way of keeping other people at a distance. Ironically, this is why so many of them are dying of loneliness.

The unhinged can behave themselves when they are in public for the most part. But when they find themselves in an intimate relationship with another person, it’s really hard to keep up the act. If they have unresolved rage inside them, eventually it will come out… at you. Even if you weren’t the one who caused the trauma, you will be the recipient of all their stored up anger. Sometimes it will come out of nowhere. Sometimes all it takes is one harmless misstep to set them off. The recent mob attack has illustrated this very vividly.

The fact is an untreated survivor is unable to control their rage over an extended period of time. Sure there may be times when they remain eerily silent. But this is the calm before the storm. The rage is bubbling up inside of them. The contents of an emotionally damaged person are highly volatile.

If your partner has been traumatized, he/she has an obligation to get treated so that they don’t inadvertently unleash their rage onto you. If they aren’t treated, it is only a matter of time when you will be the subject of abuse. If they refuse to get help or don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, then it’s time for you to pack it up. You can wish them well, but you would be a fool to stay with them.

In the beginning, it will only seem like sporadic outbursts. You might be alarmed, but the emotionally damaged are very good at eliciting sympathy (making you feel sorry for them). You will forgive them because you know they are damaged. But if you continue forgiving them for their outbursts, you are allowing them to take advantage of your good nature. You are enabling their horrid behavior. Believe me, they have no problem with taking advantage of you.

Things only got worse when my ex split me black. Much worse. An untreated survivor can snap at any moment. You are putting yourself at emotional risk if you stay. An abusive survivor will take their toll on your well-being and maybe even ruin other aspects of your life, including your reputation. Do not let them take you down with them. Detach immediately and seek safe harbor.

If you do stay despite my warnings, keep a close eye on them. It takes years of therapy to reverse the effects of trauma. Know what you are getting into, before you commit to stay. If they start taking advantage of you, cut them loose. If they go back on any promises, say good-bye. If they quit therapy, that’s a deal breaker.

A survivor deserves compassion, but that doesn’t mean you should subject yourself to abusive behavior or allow them to walk all over you. If anything like that quote above comes out of their mouth, that qualifies as abuse. My ex would always apologize only to repeat her bad behavior over and over again. I made the mistake of forgiving her one too many times.

I made the mistake of getting emotionally attached to someone who wasn’t really committed to getting better. She was emotionally unstable and I made myself vulnerable to her. BIG mistake. She tricked me into believing she wanted to get better, but this was just part of her lies and manipulations. Now she’s saying I’m the one who’s crazy and abusive. And I’m suppose to believe she’s perfectly fine.

She has dragged my name through the mud and tarnished every loving memory we ever shared. And she has even recruited other untreated trauma survivors to apologize for her horrid behavior and to attack me for calling her out. She keeps her hands clean while others do her dirty work for her. This is how manipulative and controlling people behave. She doesn’t even have the decency to fight her own fights.

The mob is wrong. The bitterness between my ex and myself has nothing to with our break-up or any longing I have for her. If anything this blog has helped me realize how horrible she really is. Before all this went down, all I really wanted was to be on friendly terms with her. Yes, just friends. All I wanted was to maintain the good will we had between us before the chaos. But she burned that bridge down and everything it was attached to. This is what self-destructive people do. They aren’t content with destroying themselves, they must destroy everything around them.

There was a time I would do anything for her. I was more patient than I should have been. I stuck with her when anybody in his right mind would have made a run for it. But I stayed because I loved her. And she repaid me by treating me like her worst enemy. This is not how you treat someone who loved you with all his heart, someone who treated you better than anyone has ever treated you. But people like my ex can’t appreciate kindness. They only know how to take advantage of people and then toss them aside when they can’t deal with the fear of rejection.

My ex’s behavior not only constituted betrayal, it was abuse. It was an abuse of trust and an abuse of the love that was not easy to give. It is the only way you can describe it when someone systematically earns your trust and love, only to turn 180 on you and stab you in the back. This is the antagonizing and brutal nature you will find with anyone who has been raised in an abusive environment.

Which is why the angry mob has such a hard time understanding what the big deal is here. They see nothing wrong with my ex’s behavior. They’ve all grown up with this type of behavior. They would suggest that we all toughen up. That we stop being pussies. And that is why they are so monumentally fucked up in the head. Because to them, this is normal. This is perfectly acceptable behavior.

If you think my ex’s questionable acts were made up of a couple isolated incidents, then you are missing the well-established patterns of abusive and self-destructive behavior. With troubled souls it is never just one or two questionable acts. It is a lifetime of heartache and drama. Welcome to their world.

Sure they may be sweet and loving with you in the beginning, because this is how they lure people in. This is their Trojan Horse. Once you open your heart and expose your sensitive parts, they will go for the kill. You can argue whether or not they can help it. But it is clear that it is part of their nature. They grew up experiencing love and hate as one. Their brain is hardwired to associate love with pain. It would be foolish to think that they would not continue this pattern of behavior that has probably spanned generations in their family.

Don’t listen to these angry fauxminists who say it’s not a big deal if one of these troubled souls abuses you. They’re covering up their own tracks. These are the phonies that legitimize their rage by claiming that they fight for social justice. And then they rationalize and justify their own brand of abuse by demonizing you. Abuse is not a big deal for them because they have grown up in an abusive  environment. They’ve been desensitized and conditioned for abuse since birth. It is this culture of abuse that makes them incapable of intimacy.

The fauxminist mob would like you to believe that my ex is an innocent and helpless waif who needs to be saved from the tyranny of an abusive ex-boyfriend. But this is only projection on their part. A sad attempt to demonize me and invalidate my assessments of them. Shady and Garland have built a “career” off this racket.

The truth is my ex was the one who was abusive when we were together. She was even more abusive when the intimacy was too much for her and she needed to detach.  And she continues to be abusive from beyond the relationship grave. She was badmouthing me and recruiting proxies long before I even wrote any blog posts about her and her abusive ways. But yet, somehow, I’m the bad guy for responding to HER hostility.

The irony is if I was an abusive asshole, my ex probably would have been a lot nicer to me. She would have probably stayed with me. My ex loves bad boys. I guess I wasn’t gangsta enough for her. She loves low-lifes and scumbags. She loves people who cheat on her. If you use her for sex and then dump her, she will put you on auto-dial. She loves being treated badly. This is normal for her. This is what she grew up with.

Ever wonder how the Rihannas of the world end up with the Chris Browns (boyfriends who give them blackeyes)? By coincidence? By random luck? No. The reason why most of these troubled women end up with abusive men (despite not having signs around their necks) is because they are attracted to assholes. What? Self-destructive people with low self-esteem are attracted to abusive people? I know it’s a shocking concept. In some cases, these dysfunctional creeps remind them of dear old dad. Don’t be surprised to find out that dear old dad was an alcoholic abusive prick, because this is par for the course.

Common sense would dictate that these women look for a nice guy who will treat them well. But that’s not how a traumatized mind works. When a child is conditioned by years of abuse, they go on to repeat the pattern. It becomes part of their programming. They become addicted to chaos. They gravitate towards abusive personalities. They look for people who will treat them like shit. Because deep down they feel like shit.

If they did find a nice guy, they will most likely abuse him to re-create the turmoil that was part of their childhood. Or they will quickly become bored because there isn’t that adrenaline rush of conflict Or they will fear rejection/abandonment and find a way to sabotage the relationship before they become more attached. Or their poor self-esteem will allow them to believe that anyone who would love them must be defective in some way. Most likely it will be all of the above. Really any of these scenarios will cause the emotionally unstable to run. They run because intimacy freaks them out. It gives them the creeps. They literally don’t know what to do with it.

Troubled souls long for intimacy. But when it plops in their lap, they sabotage the love before it even has a chance to grow.  Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance -the clashing of two conflicting desires or beliefs. In this case, the fear of being alone vs the fear of intimacy. When they finally meet someone who treats them well, they are stricken with the fear of losing them. They dump you before you have a chance to dump them. They emotionally detach before you abandon them.

Once a person has been traumatized, emotional detachment (aka dissociation) becomes second nature to them. Look at how cold the mob has been with me. These people have been so traumatized, they are incapable of showing compassion or love. So they hide behind a wall of cynicism and apathy. That’s on a good day. On a bad day, they lunge at me with vicious and violent comments. They only empathize with my ex because she shares their same victim state of mind. But everybody else is a threat or a predator.

The mob has told me to get over it. But what would these troubled souls know of heartbreak? They only know superficial attachment. Anything deep and meaningful would cripple them with fear. They only know how to use and abuse people. They only use people to fill the void of emptiness that has been with them since birth. Break ups are nothing to someone feigns love. Someone who can switch off their emotions in a heartbeat.

But for a partner who has been fooled into thinking these troubled souls are capable of love, it will be devastating. You will be drowning in love while they will simply step out of the shallow end of the pool. They will wonder why you don’t just move on, because for them it hardly takes effort to walk away from a relationship.

A break up with someone like this will not feel like your normal heartbreak.  You are breaking an addiction. Literally. You are addicted to the feel-good chemicals that a trauma survivor has become an expert in eliciting. They have perfected the art of seduction to avoid abandonment. But this should not be mistaken for love. This is an artificial re-creation by someone who has never known true love.  When the fear of intimacy overwhelms them (and it always does), they will have no regret about dropping you like a hot potato.

This is not a normal break-up, because this is not a normal person. Normal people don’t cut their wrists when they’re having a bad day. Normal people don’t issue death threats when they don’t care for someone else’s opinion. Normal people don’t cut someone out of their life after telling them how much they love them just weeks before. You can blame their disorder, their upbringing or their trauma. Whatever it is that left these people unhinged, their behavior is anything but normal.

The best way to avoid being put through the wringer is to avoid these sad cases altogether. I have written a very detailed account of my ex and my relationship with her, so you will know what signs to look for. I have allowed the mob to infiltrate this blog to a limited degree, so you can see how these people operate.

The so-called advocates love to say abusers don’t wear signs. They’re wrong. They do. You just have to know how to read them. I’ve been dating girls like this my whole life and I have just now realized what signs I have been missing. I have realized the error of my ways. And the patterns I have been repeating. I have taken personal responsibility for my own well-being. Because no one else will. Especially, not my ex.

Though many of these troubled souls will see this post as a condemnation of them. It is in fact, an opportunity for them to change the course of their tragic lives. My ex has allegedly been molested, raped and mugged. And yet, she and her fauxminist friends claim she’s perfectly fine.

What more needs to happen to her for her to wake up? They have all failed to see a tragic pattern playing itself over and over again. Until she commits to change, she will continue the downward spiral that is her life. She will continue to abuse and be abused. She didn’t choose this path, but she has chosen to continue down this treacherous direction.

I wish I could say I wish my ex well. But she has used and abused me one too many times. I have forgiven her one too many times only to have her betray me and our love over and over again. It is hard to forgive someone who doesn’t even have the maturity, the courage or the decency to own up to her misdeeds. My recent experience with the mob has lead me to believe this type of behavior is more common then we think. Believe it or not, I use to be a nice guy. But unhinged people have a way of wringing the niceness out of you.

More False Allegations

February 15, 2011

My Dearest Shady Sady,

Nobody is “twisting” your personal stories against you. True, your stories do provide great insight into your troubled mind. But we hardly need to know your past, to determine your current state of mind. Your behavior in the last week alone speaks volumes about you.

If you don’t want people to characterize you as an “unhinged bitch” then stop acting like an unhinged bitch. If you can’t control your behavior that is a sign that you desperately need help.

I realize that you were victimized and traumatized a long time ago. I am aware that you are compensating for that frightened child who was afraid of “stiff breezes”. But now you have gone from victim to abuser. You have OVER-compensated. You have gone from victim to victimizer.

This has nothing to do with feminism. It has everything to do with the unresolved pain you feel inside. I don’t need to know the details of your life to see this pain. I don’t need to “twist” your stories to reveal what is painfully obvious to everyone except you and your mob.

You’re right, I am some random person. A random person YOU decided to target and antagonize. And now you’re going to act like you’re the victim? the martyr? Do you realize how psychotic that is? YOU are victimizing yourself. You have tarnished your own reputation by acting like a disruptive child who is desperate for attention. Clearly, you are crying out for help. So get it.

Acknowledge the fact that you have an insatiable need for chaos and conflict. Chaos created by you. YOU are the one making your life miserable. You’re Lindsay Lohan without the perks of fame. You are repeating the past. Can’t you see that?

The fact that you have an army of followers only reminds us that the emotionally unstable need structure and guidance. History is replete with examples of delusional people following the orders of mad men and women. You have amassed an online collection of enablers, nothing more. People conditioned to admire the emperor’s new clothes. This is collective denial.

You’re right, I can’t stop you. I can only try to make you and others aware of your own folly. But if you wish to continue this train wreck, I will gladly step aside and watch you ride off the cliff. But if you think I’m going to allow you to take me with you, you’ve got another thing comin.

Shawna Forde is on trial for murdering an innocent family including a nine yr old girl, because she thought they were robbing Mexican drug dealers. Here we have a YouTube vid where she seems fairly composed and somewhat rational for a murderous racist. BTW she says she’s innocent. Where have I heard that one before? Notice how she portrays herself as being victimized. Where have we seen this before?

The emotionally unstable can put on a good act. They have to in order to survive in the real world. If they really have something to hide, they can even disguise themselves as activists or concerned citizens. A perfect disguise. Which is why I’m always concerned about people who spread messages of hate, but then put on a smiley face for the cameras. But when the cameras are off, you would be shocked how cruel and heartless they can be.

So why do some people have such a hard time believing my ex was emotionally abusive? Because she’s a self-proclaimed feminist? Because she was an alleged rape survivor? If a suspected murderer can fool people into believing that she’s an upright citizen, couldn’t my ex fool people into believing that she is a damsel in distress?

If she’s capable of covering up her infidelity, isn’t she capable of all sorts of lies and manipulations? If my ex has a history of cutting her wrists… That is, if she is capable of inflicting physical harm to herself, wouldn’t it stand to reason that she is capable of inflicting emotional harm onto others? Especially, if she thought she could get away with it.

The fact is emotionally damaged people are in extraordinary pain. Such people often complain about migraines or other mysterious physical ailments. These are physical manifestations of the pain they feel inside. When the pain becomes too much, that person must find ways to cope. Two ways they cope is self-destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, infidelity, questionable behavior, drama etc.) and the other is to lash out at others (emotional outbursts, picking fights, baiting, passive-aggressive behavior). This is the transferring of pain from one person to another.

I would regularly confront my ex about her abusive behavior. Sometimes she would break down and cry. But other times, she would just slip into a dissociative state (emotionally detached). She would get this smirk on her face. She boasted about what a good actress she was. She even seemed proud of her abusive behavior. This was all behind closed doors of course. Who would believe that an activist, a feminist, a progressive woman, a hip hop dancer who teaches kids could abuse another? Nobody. And that is why she gets away with it.

The truth is she is very capable of hiding dark secrets. She’s been doing it her whole life. She’s hiding a lot of pain. A lot. Pain that has been passed onto others. Looking at her, you wouldn’t think she would be capable of such abusive behavior. I only recognized her pain, because I have trained myself to look for these signs.  I’ve only known her for a year, and yet I was able to pick up the signs. Her family has known her for her whole life and yet they think she’s perfectly fine. Denial is part of the reason her pain, and the pain of others, continues.

It’s sad that in this day and age, we’re not more conscious of these things. We worry about the environment, we worry about trans fats, we worry about social inequality, but yet people hardly ever talk about mental health. Look around you. There’s a lot of people walking around with untreated pain. You can see it. You can feel it. I’m not talking about people who are stressed out from traffic or work. I’m talking about untreated trauma. Deep-seated anguish. Let’s get these people the help they need, and put an end to the pain for all of us.

Valentine’s Day Memories

February 14, 2011

A year ago, my ex and I got dressed up for V-day. It started off as a romantic day of listening to jazz and enjoying afternoon tea. But like all our special moments, it quickly degraded to a day of drama. I won’t bother you with the petty details, because it doesn’t matter. This was the same bullshit that happened on every special day, every vacation, etc.

When things would go too well, she would find a way to sabotage it. This is what self-destructive people do. This is what people do when they fear intimacy. They act like they are madly in love with you. And then when you take the bait, they take the piss out of you. This push-pull mind game is abuse. Don’t take my word for it, do your own research.

I can honestly say that I am happy to be a single man again. I really am. This past new year’s eve was one of the best ones I’ve ever had. And I intend on making this my best Valentine’s. I might even get dressed up again. Because that’s how I roll.

 

There’s nothing more counterproductive than a Soprano’s marathon. I sat comfortably in my sweats for an entire Sunday afternoon, watching one episode after another. Damn you,Tony.

A good gangster narrative is not about people getting wacked, it’s the family drama that happens in between the violence. It’s a case study of abusive relationships. No, I’m not suggesting all abusive relationships produce mobsters or sociopaths. So please don’t leave melodramatic comments down below. Although, it is not uncommon for people in prison to have stories of borderline or bipolar parents. Abuse is a domino effect. It always starts off small but usually ends up being disastrous.

This particular scene is a perfect example of a victim confronting the abuser, and the denial that usually follows. Notice how the mother plays the role of the martyr. If it smells like BPD, it probably is. Happy Valentine’s Day.

For a while there I felt like the most popular kid in school. What have I personally learned from this recent shitstorm?

Not much. What unfolded for all of us to see is exactly what I have been writing about for the last year. You can call them whatever you like- borderlines, trauma survivors, silent abusers, troubled souls, etc.. The name really isn’t important. Whatever you want to call their disorder, the abusive effect is all the same. If the shoe fits, wear it.

This recent experience has only confirmed what I have come to believe and echoed the drama that was ever-present in the relationship with my borderline ex (uh em… I mean alleged borderline)

I did learn that there is a hierarchy of abuse. Did you know that? I didn’t. According to the mob, not all abuse victims are created equal. Rape survivors rule the roost, followed closely by women abused by a borderline parent, then comes gay men bullied in school and at the very bottom are partners of abusive borderlines. I had the naive belief that abuse is abuse. But the mob showed up at my doorstep with pitchforks to remind me that my abuse was insignificant and not worthy of acknowledgment. I was to remain silent about my abuse. It was suggested to me that speaking about my abuse constituted… abuse. It seems only a select few are allowed to tell their story.

It’s ok for others to accuse me of abuse, but for some reason it’s not ok for me to expose their abusive behavior. It’s ok for them to question my choices but god forbid I question my ex’s. Even though she’s had a long history of making bad choices. When they talk about abuse it’s called awareness, when I talk about abuse it’s called harassment. I guess I learned that hypocrisy is hard to see when your eyes are on the lookout for abusive behavior in others.

So why is the mob so angry?

At the core of their anger is the fear of rejection. Trauma survivors and borderlines have heightened rejection sensitivity. It’s what makes them run away from intimacy. It’s what makes them lash out at those who question their character. These posts may seem harmless to the average person, but to a certain group of people (who shall remain nameless) it infuriates them to their very core.

These people carry with them great pain. People in pain can act out in inappropriate and abusive ways. If someone questions their bad behavior it triggers a fight response. Fight or flight. Those are always the two choices. They hit and run. That’s their MO. When you criticize them it triggers fears of rejection and memories of abandonment.

It’s odd because some of these people should be sympathetic to someone who has been abused by a borderline. Especially those raised by an abusive borderline or bipolar parent. Unfortunately, those who were once victims can often grow up to become the abuser. An abuser who lives in denial to cover up evidence of his/her own abusive tendencies. As they say, the apple never falls far from the tree.

Why all the drama?

This is what these people do best. They grew up in chaotic environments. And therefore they have been conditioned to expect a high degree of drama where ever they go. If they can’t find it, they will create it. The fact is nobody forced these drama queens to read my posts. But they were looking for a fight.

The fight instinct is ingrained in them. They probably grew up watching their parents fight. Look into their personal history and I’m sure you will find never-ending conflict. Look around them and you will find friends and family embroiled in their own dramas. This is a culture of chaos with its roots dug firmly into their past and will most likely continue into their future.

A child of a borderline is doomed to repeat the past until they acknowledge this cycle. We are all doomed to repeat the past until we can successfully break the patterns and cycles of abuse.

Why the cover up?

The angry legion have forgiven my abuser and excused her questionable behavior, while ignoring my pain and mocking my suffering. Why are they so eager to sweep my ex’s misdeeds under the rug?

Because trauma survivors are just that… survivors. They are constantly in self-preservation mode. In order to deal with the pain of trauma and persecution, they have learned to cloud the past and bend the truth. Deception is the only way they can function and survive to fight another day. It’s why their behavior seems so… well… shady.

Well-meaning mothers and fathers also cover up the tracks of abusive children. Not realizing they are only prolonging the suffering of a child who is constantly creating their own grief.

Why have they come to the defense of someone they don’t even know?

Because my ex is a kindred soul, a victim turned abuser. Her abusive behavior is their abusive behavior. To rationalize her abuse is to rationalize their own. If they allow one person’s questionable behavior to be questioned it opens them all up for judgment. That would mean they would have to answer for their own crimes. And when guilt brings as much pain as it does for the uber-sensitive, that can not be allowed.

What is the point of engaging these clowns?

Well, other than entertainment value and the opportunity to put these faux-minists in their place, it was an opportunity for those of you (who are unfamiliar with this type of relationship) to witness the abuse in action. Unlike physical abuse and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is not so easily spotted. Especially, when you are dealing with an abuser who is disguised as a victim. An abuser who is a master of illusion. A master of the cover-up.

I can talk about it all day but you will never experience what it feels like. You will never see what it is like when you are in a relationship with someone who is an untreated trauma survivor. You will never see the games that borderlines play.

Why attack me?

An untreated trauma survivor has been conditioned to fight indiscriminately. Like a wounded animal they lash out at anyone who comes near, no matter how good their intentions. Speaking the truth is too close for comfort and therefore they try to scare you away. They hurl threats at you in hopes of scaring you into submission.

As a loving partner of an untreated trauma survivor, you too will become the target of psychological attacks while the person who originally created the trauma is long gone. This misplaced anger is only a small example of the delusions that can come with a troubled mind. If you decide to become involved with someone who has this condition, you can expect the same.

So who is the real abuser?

Not all partners of trauma survivors are abusive. The abusive ones who treat them like shit usually end up dumping them or cheating on them, and don’t even think twice about it. Then there are the mild-mannered, kind and gentle ones. To love someone, who lashes out at you, requires a partner to be incredibly forgiving and unbelievably patient. Maybe to a fault. Who else would put up with such abuse?

Sadly, damaged souls are more likely to be nice to someone who abuses them. And then abuse the ones who love them. But don’t take my word for it. Look around, you see it all the time.

Why the false accusations?

The world of an abuse victim is a world of perceived threats. A child who is abused spends the rest of his/her life on high alert. As they get older, they are more concerned with emotional threats than physical threats. The threat level rises when he/she becomes emotionally vulnerable to someone. This can lead to a state of paranoia.

False accusations are among the most dangerous weapons in a borderline’s arsenal. The closer you get to them, the more likely they are to use it against you. And then they wonder why they get so much negative attention. How are people suppose to react when a trusted love one suddenly antagonizes you or betrays your trust? With hugs and kisses?

Why did my ex cut me out?

While we were dating, it was apparent to me that my ex was easily creeped out and freaked out by strangers. We would go to parties and she would finger out people who she thought were rapists. Yeah, kinda scary. She was suspicious of everyone’s motives including her own friends and family. And when I fell out of favor, I too became the perceived abuser. All the loving memories we shared seemed to magically disappear. While once I could do no wrong, now everything I did was wrong. This is called “being split black”.

But if I was indeed abusive to my ex, why would she stay with me for 8 months? Why would she invite me to move to LA with her? Why would she come back to me for comfort after she was rejected by her secret lover? Even after all the horrible things she had said about me. Is it a coincidence that I became the “abuser” once I started writing the truth about her, once I started seeing her for who she really is? Is it a coincidence, that she split me black after she became vulnerable to rejection?

She shut me out because I got too close for comfort and she became too dependent on my love and approval.  My honest observations of her were too painful.

Why do they make lovers into enemies?

The fact is when you are dealing with a borderline or even an alleged borderline who is stricken with the fear of abandonment, devaluation and demonization of an ex is to be expected. It doesn’t matter how much you think they love you. The more they fear losing you, the harder they push you away. To justify such cruel and heartless behavior, they must make you look like the bad guy.

Why is it a sin to talk about rape?

Because rape is one of the most traumatic experiences that can happen to someone. And when you throw BPD into the mix, it only increases the level of pain. These people are walking around with deep deep scars. That’s why they are so hyper-sensitive. Just reading a post about rape triggers all sorts of pain. And if you question someone who has been allegedly rape, then you become Satan himself. The shame and fear of rejection is like someone sticking a hot poker into their wounds.

Why so sensitive?

Hypersensitivity is part of the reason they are unable to regulate their emotions. Someone once compared loving a BP to hugging a burn victim. What a great analogy, because it says so much about anyone who has suffered trauma. They will always misinterpret your intentions. They will always shoot and ask questions later. They will always blow things out of proportion. They will draw you in only to ruthlessly push you away.

Relationships are hard enough on their own, but trying to maintain sanity in a relationship with someone who has untreated trauma is impossible. You could be the kindest most gentle human being in the world but how can you love someone who associates intimacy with pain? It is a no-win situation.

So who’s right?

In the heat of battle, it is easy to forget who is in the right. The abusers have accused me of being an abuser. I have also been accused of gaslighting, projecting and all the nasty tricks in a silent abuser’s own bag. I say they are hyper-sensitive. They say I am insensitive. So who’s right and who’s wrong?

Imagine what a relationship is like with a person like this? Someone who constantly makes you feel like an asshole when you’re not. Constantly questioning your motives. Constantly questioning your character. This from a person who supposedly loves you. Imagine how maddening that must be. This in itself is the worst form of abuse. It’s a total brain fuck.

But as a partner of a trauma survivor, you must always remember the greater trauma lies with them. The trauma or the memory of that trauma is a constant source of evil. Yes, we all have our own issues or we wouldn’t find ourselves in this kind of relationship. We all project and gaslight to some degree. These defense mechanisms are part of human nature. But when untreated trauma and personality disorders are present, it mutates the defense mechanisms into abusive behavior, into patterns of abusive behavior, into a history of abusive behavior.

Claims to victimhood must always be subject to scrutiny, when dealing with someone whose mind has been damaged by trauma. Once a victim, always a victim. Their claims are based on clouded memories and poor judgment. Our claims are based on science and logic.

Can’t they see their flawed logic?

BPD is a disorder where intense emotions overwhelm cognitive function. It makes smart people do stupid things and think stupid things. These are reasonably intelligent people. Yet their minds are so tangled with highly charged emotions, they can’t even see what is painfully obvious to everyone around them. Which is why they have such a hard time fitting in. This is why they often sequester themselves to fringe groups and dark corners of the blogosphere.

They are unable to see the correlation between their traumatic past and the pattern of chaos and drama that ensues. Their mind lacks clarity. They are unable to connect the dots. They engage in risky and self-destructive behavior, but they can’t see why. They antagonize others and can’t see why people treat them so poorly.

So has any good come out of this?

As expected, this drama has brought new exposure to this little blog. Awareness is growing. These are the people I have been talking about. These are the people who need to read this blog. As much as I appreciate my regulars, I am mostly preaching to the choir. The challenge is to reach out to those who don’t want to hear what I have to say.

I’m sure most of the mob will remain steadfastly in denial. But I hope a handful of them may take something from of all this. This blog won’t cure their trauma, but it may open their eyes just a little bit. The abusive comments have all but vanished. So either they have lost steam, or maybe just maybe their conscience has taken in some of the lessons learned.

What’s the solution?

Is it, as they suggest, to censor ourselves. To tippy-toe around sensitive topics. To treat them with kid gloves. To allow them to have their temper tantrums and let them viciously attack you at will?

At the risk of starting another shitstorm, I will firmly say NO. The answer lies with them. They need to seek help. They need treat their trauma and their personality disorders. You can do nothing for them. You should not have to tolerate their abusive behavior and you have every right to point it out. You have every right to hold them accountable.

All you can do is create awareness and encourage them to seek help. This is the unfortunate responsibility of anyone who would call themselves a loved one. To look the other way or cover up the abuser’s tracks only makes you an enabler. As the cliche goes- if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

Nobody wants to condemn people who have already been victimized. The point is to get these people to acknowledge the pain they have caused others. They are continuing the cycle of abuse. The point is to get them help, to stop their suffering and the suffering of those around them. And if they refuse to seek treatment and willingly continue their abuse, then they deserve to be called out.

So what’s the big deal?

The same deal that applies to awareness about rape or AIDS. BPD is a growing epidemic. And I am personally becoming aware that survivors of abuse are becoming more and more common. With each generation passing on the tradition of abuse, the numbers grow exponentially.

As one reader noted, BP abuse is not a crime. It doesn’t even register on most people’s radar as abuse. Even those who have personally experienced it don’t recognize it as abuse. Awareness becomes an uphill battle when part of the disorder involves self-denial and self-delusions.

The effects of this kind of emotional abuse are real. There’s a reason why children of borderlines grow up to be tortured souls. There’s a reason why BPD has such a terrible stigma. Unfortunately, it is only now being understood by those who call themselves mental health professionals. BPD is a new frontier. And abuse-related trauma is (as you can see) a touchy subject.

So many of my critics call this an obsession. I would say it is much needed awareness. In the end, victims of BP abuse just want their pain to be acknowledged. And when the abusers go so far as to recruit others to stay in denial, it only serves to add salt to our wounds and prolong the animosity between two people who once loved each other.

It’s ironic, that those who have taken up the banner to spread awareness about rape and domestic violence, have also tried to silence the victims of emotional abuse. What’s wrong with this picture? How can we talk about one and not the other? Clearly these people are creating a distraction. They are avoiding self-examination. They are avoiding taking responsibility for the people they have harmed.

Victims of this abuse should rest well knowing that no amount of denial can silence the tell-tale heart. Eventually, their conscience will catch up with them. There’s a reason why suicide is so high amongst these tortured souls. There’s a reason why these people engage in self-destructive acts. As much as you hate them, they hate themselves even more.

My borderline ex is most likely wrestling with her own conscience. Her self-esteem is almost non-existent at this point. Which is why she has desperately reached out to other bitter pills for back up. This is the blind leading the blind.

I need a break from all this heaviness. And who better to usher in some levity than James Lipton.

I Peed Myself

February 10, 2011

I know I declared peace, but I just had to share this little bit of irony with you. I was roaming the internet and I stumbled upon this seminar called “Dealing with Internet Drama” and you will never ever ever guess who the speaker is… Garland Grey, Shady’s partner in crime. This is the guy who gave the order to harass me. Here’s a quote from the description:

The Internet is a community of communities, all filled with conflict and drama. Social justice and activism are as filled with these clashes as any other group, but the wounds inflicted can be more than difference of opinion or personality discord: in “safe spaces”, tensions can be particularly fraught These incidents can often be instructive and valuable. Conflict clarifies loyalties and solidifies friendships; conflict can reveal humility and pride. Controversy can teach anti-oppression activists about how to avoid unintentionally inflicting harm upon folks who do not share their privileges. But while call-outs can be essential to honest discussions of inequality, drama is just as often destructive. Conflict comes at a price, sometimes with little payoff. Internet drama cost emotional energy, physical resources, time, and relationships. Blogwars, 500+ comment threads, and 140-character fights are rarely in anyone’s best interest – they are usually costly to the attacker, the target, and those reading on the sidelines. Drama and conflict in online social justice is usually best minimized and carefully managed. This presentation, which will focus more on examination than instruction, is not just about how to check your privilege. It’s about when to call out, and how to avoid abusing others

That last line killed me. Ok, back to our scheduled peace.