February 26, 2011
My ex describes herself as a complicated woman. That’s a euphemism for full of shit. My ex also describes herself as a slut. I kid you not. She actually confessed this to me towards the end of our relationship. I think we were talking about all the men she has slept with. I don’t know if she was boasting or being self-deprecating. Either way, I wish she had confessed it to me earlier. Before I caught her cheating on me.
I couldn’t tell if she was half-joking or not. But she seems proud of her sluthood. Is it real pride or she merely compensating for the shame she really feels? It’s hard to say because my ex puts on so many false airs. It’s hard to know who she really is.
This is problematic for a feminist who fights against slut shaming. More specifically, the shaming of survivors of sexual assault. Shame is a popular and sensitive topic amongst feminists. They’re obsessed with shame. A survivor like my ex fights ferociously against shame. She fights for a woman’s right to get drunk and pass out. She fights for the right to embarrass her partners in public. She is basically fighting the image she is perpetuating. She is fighting her conscience.
She was always a flirtatious woman. She loves attention. No, she needs attention. And when she drinks, even more so. I accepted this about her. But I drew the line at public embarrassment. Kissing another man in front of me and all her friends was crossing that line. I draw the line at getting so drunk you can’t remember your acts of indiscretion. I draw the line at my girlfriend texting some guy she’s hoping to fuck when I’m not looking. But I’m old-fashioned like that.
I, myself, am not a man of puritanical virtue. So I was never quick to judge. We should all have the right to express our sexuality. She has every right to drink and flirt, but not when you’re in a committed relationship. Not when you’re telling me how much you love me. Not when you’re asking me to open my heart. This is the type of behavior that is deserving of shame.
Our relationship was destined to fail. But the fact that she couldn’t keep it in her pants, put the final nail in the coffin. What was more shameful than her sexual escapades was the fact that she tried to blame it on me. She claims that it was all my fault that she was unfaithful. This of course is just another bullshit excuse for her sabotaging and self-destructive ways.
Angry survivors chastise me for putting one of their own under a negative spotlight. Never stopping to foam at the mouth long enough to realize my ex has put herself in that position. The mob tries to silence me while giving my ex a hall pass to do anything she wants. No matter how hurtful.
Her sluthood was only one of the many ways that she killed our relationship. She accused me of making her insecure but it was her fear of abandonment that made her insecure. I can assure you she was insecure long before I came into her life.
After betraying my trust over and over again, she had the audacity to play the victim. Shame on her. Not for her sluttiness. Shame on her for a lack of integrity and her disregard for other people’s feelings. Shame on her for blaming me for her irrational fear of intimacy. In the end, it is this fear of intimacy coupled with a self-destructive streak that causes her to do stupid things, not her sluttiness.
I remember when Tiger Woods got caught with his pants down. She made it a point to tell me how she felt about that kind of behavior. I believe she called him a scumbag and a low life. Or something to that effect. Hmmm, interesting. Fast-forward a few months later and she engages in similar behavior. Not once but twice. So if Tiger is a scumbag and a low life. What does that make her?
What makes me sick to my stomach is not her promiscuous tendencies, but her lack of loyalty. And then she wonders why she can’t keep friends. She wonders why lovers turn to enemies. Shame on her for pushing me for more commitment only to break it herself. And despite this pattern of destructive/abusive behavior, she continues to go untreated and pull people into her life. She blames society for shaming sluts. But the fact is she shames herself.
She puts on a good act, that one. In public, she acts like a poised dignitary. In private, she acts like an irresponsible child. She claims she doesn’t have a personality disorder. So what do we blame her horrid behavior on? Her parents? Her lack of morals? Her traumatic experiences?
How about I make it easier on her and just blame her. Shame can be a good thing. It’s life’s way of telling you that you’ve done something wrong. Shrinks call this cognitive dissonance. Shame is also life’s own brand of justice.
As one reader noted, being an abusive survivor is not against the law. Fortunately, for victims of silent abuse, shame is not something an abusive personality can easily escape. Sure, they can try to live in denial. But shame has a way of eating a person from the inside out. There’s a reason why suicide rates are so high amongst this group of bad girls.
Would it be too much to ask that she start taking responsibility for the shame she feels? Or is she, as the fauxminists would suggest, above reproach? Is this the type of behavior that Shady McDoyle wishes to defend? Am I to forgive my ex again and again for her questionable behavior? Does she get out of jail free because she’s a survivor? My ex’s problem is not that she’s a slut. Her problem is that she’s a horrible excuse for a human being.
I’m not shaming a woman for wearing tube tops and short skirts. I’m not shaming a woman for passing out in the middle of sex because she had too much to drink. I’m shaming a woman who shows no respect for the ones who love and care for her. This is not a woman who deserves to be loved. She doesn’t even love herself. She deserves to live alone with her shame.
February 23, 2011
Some of you extremists seem bothered by my lack of credentials, so here’s Kerry Jang, a professor of psychiatry (personality disorder specialist) to drop some knowledge on you. I’m pretty sure he has more credentials than both Shady Doyle and Garland Grey.
This is a long article about BPD, so I posted some highlights. Since I didn’t write it, you’ll have to leave your hate mail elsewhere. You can read the entire article here:
But she couldn’t deny that the telltale signs—including intense but stormy attachments and extreme emotional reactions—described her perfectly.
Although not as well known as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, BPD is more common, affecting about two percent of adults, mostly young women, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, a division of the U.S. National Institutes of Health.
But local health professionals who specialize in the disorder say that BPD is grossly overlooked by the medical profession and funding bodies.
People with BPD often experience instantaneous shifts in their attitude toward people close to them, veering from idealization (love and admiration) to devaluation (anger and dislike). Although people suffering from depression typically endure the same low mood for weeks, those with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, sadness, or anxiety that last just hours.
They often feel misunderstood or mistreated and lack a sense of identity. They might make desperate attempts to avoid being alone and act impulsively, spending excessive amounts of money or having risky sex. They can come across as manipulative, controlling, unwilling to change, and attention-seeking.
At the root of people’s volatile, unpredictable mood swings is a fear of abandonment or rejection. Consequently, those with BPD can react with hostility to short-term separations such as a business trip or even a last-minute cancellation of plans.
Their cognitive distortions can lead to frequent changes in long-term plans, career goals, jobs, friendships, and personal values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally unworthy or have issues with gender identity.
They tend to have other, compounding health problems, too, like substance-use issues, eating disorders, and even other mood conditions, such as bipolar disorder (which, once referred to as manic depression, is marked by extreme highs and lows).
BPD is also marked by chronic thoughts of suicide or actual attempts.
He explains that people with BPD live in a constant state of fear.
“The world seems to them a threatening and frightening place,” Livesley says. “As a result of this emotional instability, their relationships with other people tend to be chaotic too, and unstable.…They have endless fears linked to emotionality, which adds to the instability of life.”
Those with the condition can act on those fears in physically damaging ways.
“There can be self-harm: they cut; they overdose; they hit or burn themselves,” Livesley explains. “This is an attempt to control their feelings, as they haven’t learned alternative ways to handle their emotions.…When emotions are this unstable, they’re very difficult to handle.”
“The condition has taken on a lot of negative connotations, so diagnosis is usually pejorative,” Livesley says.
It can be hard for people to get help, Jang notes, because so many who have the disorder don’t recognize the symptoms.
“Many people who have the illness don’t think they’re ill,” he explains. “They can be the sweetest and nicest person in the world one minute, then mad as hell the next.”
He and a team of researchers from Harvard University recently had a paper accepted for publication by the Archives of General Psychiatry, an internationally renowned medical journal. In their study, the authors conclude that heredity has a role in the development of BPD.
“This large family study confirms that BPD is passed on within families,” Jang says. However, although genetic factors likely play a part in BPD, no specific genes associated with the condition have yet been identified.
Other risk factors for BPD include sexual or physical abuse.
“People with BPD are branded as out of control, extremely angry, and manipulative. Even treatment providers turn them away because they’re deemed too difficult to work with.
“There’s a stigma attached to BPD: if you’ve got BPD, your personality must be flawed; it must be a scar on your soul that will never go away. But research shows that people do get better over time. Impulsivity and suicidality tend to decrease with age; however, fear of abandonment and rejection do not.
People have this emotional roller-coaster ride with extreme highs and lows. Some have trouble with the justice system: they might be dealing with out-of-control gambling or substance abuse,” he says.
“I’ve heard someone with BPD can be compared to someone with third-degree burns on their skin: emotionally, they’re that sensitive,” she says. “It’s so hard to realize you have a problem and then to find a way to deal with it.”
These were some of the comments from the readers. Once again, I didn’t write these so you’ll have to direct your anger elsewhere:
- People with Personality Disorders aren’t responsible for their illness, but they are responsible for how they treat others.
- I’m just tired of PDs expecting far more than they are willing to give. I’m willing to relearn behavior even though it’s not easy. I’m willing to leave the blame behind. Sadly, the PDed in my family aren’t as willing.
- BPD is, because of it’s nature, very difficult when someone close to you has it. Physical and emotional abuse, as it may lead to (intentionally or not) is not ok. I belive that a big part of recovery includes getting the disordered people to realise how others actually feel when getting exposed to some of their behaviours.
- people with BPD have no control over the fact that they have this illness. And as such, while they are responsible for taking action to recover and change their behaviour, this can’t happen overnight.
- those borderlines are NUTS! ex girlfriend drove me to have my own mental breakdown. stay away!!
- Does that mean I can treat people badly with no consequences when I get bored during a staff meeting or triggered because someone in the elevator reaches into my personal space to press a floor without saying excuse me? No, because while I didn’t ask for anxiety and ADHD and it’s not my “fault” I have them, it is my “responsibility” to manage the symptoms and behaviors that accompany them.
- I know with my mother, she refuses to accept even the most basic of responsibility for how she treats people. Up until we ceased contact a year and a half ago, she was still emotionally abusive with rages, smearing campaigns, etc.
- Sure, my mother didn’t ask to have a PD and I know it was abuse and trauma that made her the way she is. But as long as she refuses to acknowledge/take any responsibility for the emotional carnage she’s wrought, I want absolutely NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with that toxic piece of work.
- I kept trying to make things right and be the bigger person. I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve spent, how many times I’ve walked on eggshells dealing with her. I overthink everything and constantly blame myself because I was conditioned to do that as her scapegoat.
- You claim they have no control over their behavior. Well, then, why do they behave differently in public than they do in private? My mother made a big show of being the loving mother in public. Yet in private, she’d tell me I’d probably get breast cancer too if I didn’t lose weight when I took 2 weeks off from work and spent airfare to care for her after a mastectomy.
- I’m not saying it’s easy to control behaviors. Just that they choose not too.
- PS if anyone with a Personality Disorder is reading this, here’s what I have to say as the daughter of someone who likely has a PD: Get help, get meds if need be. Yes, it’s great if other people can help/be supportive, but one should never use a fellow human being as a doormat or an emotional scratching post. That goes double for the ones we claim to “love”
- As for public versus private actions, unfortunately we act out more towards people we trust, which is terrible and I, for one, feel horrible every single time. I feel badly for the family and friends who are hurt by all people with BPD and it isn’t fair but no, actually, we can’t control it, no matter how much we tell ourselves “not again” and no matter how much we despise ourselves for it. As for being a doormat, that isn’t fair either, but it is then it’s up to you to draw the line and take care of yourself; cut the tie until that person gets help or forever if need be. Just because that person can’t control themselves doesn’t mean you have to live with any abuse.
- Hopefully with knowledge of the disorder, more will get diagnosed and get help so no one, BPD or otherwise, will get hurt by this disorder.
- the issue here isn’t that it’s misunderstood. it’s understood.
- it’s that our culture of entitlement promotes and rewards this behavior.
- BPD’s make bad choices and they know the difference.
- they just don’t care. and when you love these people, it wreaks havoc on everyone.
- BPD’s also trust no one. they go through a cycle: they idolize it, they demean it, they destroy it. this is all in the research.
- as soon as you get close, they demolish you. then they try and destroy your friendships with others.
- they don’t “relearn” either. they adapt and go covert.
- few get through this. it’s in the research thats quoted here.
- i suggest for your own “understanding ” on the subject, you look it up. it’s all online.
- then hit a few of the BPD support groups and see what those people have to say. this isn’t a BPD witch hunt.
- but it is what it is. they are hardwired this way.
- While I agree with you that more awareness and treatment is necessary, I disagree on the public vs. private thing. If the person can control behavior in public, they can do it in private. Behaving vastly different in public also contributes to the gaslighting and crazymaking. People often don’t believe the person who’s been abused by someone with a PD because the person with a PD acts so differently in public. If parents with PDs can treat the child they scapegoat differently than their golden child, they’re obviously capable of some control over their actions.
- I have enormous respect for people like Julie who posted about her own experience. She doesn’t use her illness as an excuse and makes an active and concerted effort to address the effects of it.
February 20, 2011
Not all people with personality disorders are abusive. But when a disordered person has been traumatized, that person can become a lit molotov cocktail. A couple of weeks ago, I published the audacious fact that the presence of BPD and alcoholism greatly increases the likelihood of sexual assault. The post was not apologizing for rapists nor was it condemning rape survivors. But even so the angry masses came, pounding their angry fists at my door. My post was controversial for sure, but enough to warrant death threats and other unhinged reactions?
I’ve deleted most of the angry comments that have come from the fauxminist mob, because I don’t think they contribute anything to the blog. This ain’t the Jerry Springer Show, kids. But I thought I’d give you a sample of what you missed:
kill yourself. fucking kill yourself. die in a goddamn fucking fire. i’m glad you’re super impressed with your own objectivity and are using it against rape victims. i hope it keeps you warm at night, and i hope you die cold and alone and in horrible fucking pain.
Uh… Yeah… I think it’s safe to say that this proxy has got some unresolved anger. Most likely she has has been traumatized. She is externalizing the pain she’s been carrying inside of her. Intense pain. It’s obvious that she hasn’t been treated. This is what a traumatized and disordered person sounds like when they are out of control.
Do I really need to remind people that wishing death upon someone is not an appropriate way to communicate your feelings? Maybe if you were confronting the person who originally traumatized you. I’m sure this angry woman and the mob have all sorts of justification for their rage. A justification that allows for a pattern of unchecked behavior. Her words reveal an abusive nature. This is not normal or healthy. Being victimized is not a free license to act like a rabid animal. This is misplaced and disproportionate anger.
My unhinged ex said something similar to me once, after a heated political discussion. Yes, a political discussion. Even the most benign conversations had a way of erupting into uncontrolled rage and uncalled for personal attacks. Like a parent admonishing a child, I had to remind her what was appropriate and what wasn’t. My ex wasn’t quite as scary as this woman, but her comments were psychotic enough for me to want to end the relationship on more than one occasion. As usual, she cried and begged me to stay. And of course I made the huge mistake of staying. This was early on in the relationship but the abusive pattern would repeat itself again and again.
I was lucky in that her rage and violence was only limited to emotional outbursts. You could say this is the difference between disordered men and disordered women. That is not to say there aren’t women who would resort to physical violence. As you know, my ex cut her wrists in her teens. So the potential for physical harm was always there.
But I believe gender and social boundaries restrict them to emotional violence and more passive-aggressive type of abusive behavior aka silent abuse. As a troubled soul grows older they learn to hide their abusive tendencies. They become silent abusers. They learn defense tactics like denial, projection and gaslighting to avoid negative press.
Abuse is abuse. Just because it doesn’t leave physical bruises or scars, doesn’t mean harm isn’t being done. In fact, some would argue the harm is even greater because you can’t see it. The lingering negative effects can be seen in the children of abusive borderline parents. Unless they take drastic measures to reverse the course of their lives, these children are doomed to a life of misery- more rage, more violence.
As I said, people with PDs and trauma put on a good act. Yes, some of these people do seem like they have their shit together on the outside. When people have been emotionally crippled their whole lives, they compensate by becoming overachievers. This is the facade of competency that most high-functioning disordered people are able to muster on occasion. (Think Charlie Sheen) They excel in academics and in their professional lives but fail in intimate relationships.
Some of the most intelligent and creative people I know are totally fucked up beyond belief. This is the paradox of the emotionally damaged. There’s a reason why most of them resort to drug and alcohol abuse. Not to mention suicide.
This is why they put up facades and false personas. If you visit any one of these angry fauxminist blogs they will serve you angry propaganda with a teaspoon full of sugar- funny gifs, pictures of their dogs, pictures of them partying it up. My angry ex loved sharing stories of vintage outfits she acquired. What well-rounded and well-adjusted rage-oholics they must be! If the outside world only knew how dark these people were on the inside. They would ostracize these fringe fanatics more than they already do. So the act goes on.
Or to the opposite extreme they may put on a facade of being tough as nails, which is why my ex fashioned herself into an angry goth chic, a wannabe gangsta and then into a militant feminist. They may act like badasses shaking their fists at society. But in reality, these people are frightened of their own shadow. They are spooked by sudden movements and stiff breezes. Their tough guy image is their way of keeping other people at a distance. Ironically, this is why so many of them are dying of loneliness.
The unhinged can behave themselves when they are in public for the most part. But when they find themselves in an intimate relationship with another person, it’s really hard to keep up the act. If they have unresolved rage inside them, eventually it will come out… at you. Even if you weren’t the one who caused the trauma, you will be the recipient of all their stored up anger. Sometimes it will come out of nowhere. Sometimes all it takes is one harmless misstep to set them off. The recent mob attack has illustrated this very vividly.
The fact is an untreated survivor is unable to control their rage over an extended period of time. Sure there may be times when they remain eerily silent. But this is the calm before the storm. The rage is bubbling up inside of them. The contents of an emotionally damaged person are highly volatile.
If your partner has been traumatized, he/she has an obligation to get treated so that they don’t inadvertently unleash their rage onto you. If they aren’t treated, it is only a matter of time when you will be the subject of abuse. If they refuse to get help or don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, then it’s time for you to pack it up. You can wish them well, but you would be a fool to stay with them.
In the beginning, it will only seem like sporadic outbursts. You might be alarmed, but the emotionally damaged are very good at eliciting sympathy (making you feel sorry for them). You will forgive them because you know they are damaged. But if you continue forgiving them for their outbursts, you are allowing them to take advantage of your good nature. You are enabling their horrid behavior. Believe me, they have no problem with taking advantage of you.
Things only got worse when my ex split me black. Much worse. An untreated survivor can snap at any moment. You are putting yourself at emotional risk if you stay. An abusive survivor will take their toll on your well-being and maybe even ruin other aspects of your life, including your reputation. Do not let them take you down with them. Detach immediately and seek safe harbor.
If you do stay despite my warnings, keep a close eye on them. It takes years of therapy to reverse the effects of trauma. Know what you are getting into, before you commit to stay. If they start taking advantage of you, cut them loose. If they go back on any promises, say good-bye. If they quit therapy, that’s a deal breaker.
A survivor deserves compassion, but that doesn’t mean you should subject yourself to abusive behavior or allow them to walk all over you. If anything like that quote above comes out of their mouth, that qualifies as abuse. My ex would always apologize only to repeat her bad behavior over and over again. I made the mistake of forgiving her one too many times.
I made the mistake of getting emotionally attached to someone who wasn’t really committed to getting better. She was emotionally unstable and I made myself vulnerable to her. BIG mistake. She tricked me into believing she wanted to get better, but this was just part of her lies and manipulations. Now she’s saying I’m the one who’s crazy and abusive. And I’m suppose to believe she’s perfectly fine.
She has dragged my name through the mud and tarnished every loving memory we ever shared. And she has even recruited other untreated trauma survivors to apologize for her horrid behavior and to attack me for calling her out. She keeps her hands clean while others do her dirty work for her. This is how manipulative and controlling people behave. She doesn’t even have the decency to fight her own fights.
The mob is wrong. The bitterness between my ex and myself has nothing to with our break-up or any longing I have for her. If anything this blog has helped me realize how horrible she really is. Before all this went down, all I really wanted was to be on friendly terms with her. Yes, just friends. All I wanted was to maintain the good will we had between us before the chaos. But she burned that bridge down and everything it was attached to. This is what self-destructive people do. They aren’t content with destroying themselves, they must destroy everything around them.
There was a time I would do anything for her. I was more patient than I should have been. I stuck with her when anybody in his right mind would have made a run for it. But I stayed because I loved her. And she repaid me by treating me like her worst enemy. This is not how you treat someone who loved you with all his heart, someone who treated you better than anyone has ever treated you. But people like my ex can’t appreciate kindness. They only know how to take advantage of people and then toss them aside when they can’t deal with the fear of rejection.
My ex’s behavior not only constituted betrayal, it was abuse. It was an abuse of trust and an abuse of the love that was not easy to give. It is the only way you can describe it when someone systematically earns your trust and love, only to turn 180 on you and stab you in the back. This is the antagonizing and brutal nature you will find with anyone who has been raised in an abusive environment.
Which is why the angry mob has such a hard time understanding what the big deal is here. They see nothing wrong with my ex’s behavior. They’ve all grown up with this type of behavior. They would suggest that we all toughen up. That we stop being pussies. And that is why they are so monumentally fucked up in the head. Because to them, this is normal. This is perfectly acceptable behavior.
If you think my ex’s questionable acts were made up of a couple isolated incidents, then you are missing the well-established patterns of abusive and self-destructive behavior. With troubled souls it is never just one or two questionable acts. It is a lifetime of heartache and drama. Welcome to their world.
Sure they may be sweet and loving with you in the beginning, because this is how they lure people in. This is their Trojan Horse. Once you open your heart and expose your sensitive parts, they will go for the kill. You can argue whether or not they can help it. But it is clear that it is part of their nature. They grew up experiencing love and hate as one. Their brain is hardwired to associate love with pain. It would be foolish to think that they would not continue this pattern of behavior that has probably spanned generations in their family.
Don’t listen to these angry fauxminists who say it’s not a big deal if one of these troubled souls abuses you. They’re covering up their own tracks. These are the phonies that legitimize their rage by claiming that they fight for social justice. And then they rationalize and justify their own brand of abuse by demonizing you. Abuse is not a big deal for them because they have grown up in an abusive environment. They’ve been desensitized and conditioned for abuse since birth. It is this culture of abuse that makes them incapable of intimacy.
The fauxminist mob would like you to believe that my ex is an innocent and helpless waif who needs to be saved from the tyranny of an abusive ex-boyfriend. But this is only projection on their part. A sad attempt to demonize me and invalidate my assessments of them. Shady and Garland have built a “career” off this racket.
The truth is my ex was the one who was abusive when we were together. She was even more abusive when the intimacy was too much for her and she needed to detach. And she continues to be abusive from beyond the relationship grave. She was badmouthing me and recruiting proxies long before I even wrote any blog posts about her and her abusive ways. But yet, somehow, I’m the bad guy for responding to HER hostility.
The irony is if I was an abusive asshole, my ex probably would have been a lot nicer to me. She would have probably stayed with me. My ex loves bad boys. I guess I wasn’t gangsta enough for her. She loves low-lifes and scumbags. She loves people who cheat on her. If you use her for sex and then dump her, she will put you on auto-dial. She loves being treated badly. This is normal for her. This is what she grew up with.
Ever wonder how the Rihannas of the world end up with the Chris Browns (boyfriends who give them blackeyes)? By coincidence? By random luck? No. The reason why most of these troubled women end up with abusive men (despite not having signs around their necks) is because they are attracted to assholes. What? Self-destructive people with low self-esteem are attracted to abusive people? I know it’s a shocking concept. In some cases, these dysfunctional creeps remind them of dear old dad. Don’t be surprised to find out that dear old dad was an alcoholic abusive prick, because this is par for the course.
Common sense would dictate that these women look for a nice guy who will treat them well. But that’s not how a traumatized mind works. When a child is conditioned by years of abuse, they go on to repeat the pattern. It becomes part of their programming. They become addicted to chaos. They gravitate towards abusive personalities. They look for people who will treat them like shit. Because deep down they feel like shit.
If they did find a nice guy, they will most likely abuse him to re-create the turmoil that was part of their childhood. Or they will quickly become bored because there isn’t that adrenaline rush of conflict Or they will fear rejection/abandonment and find a way to sabotage the relationship before they become more attached. Or their poor self-esteem will allow them to believe that anyone who would love them must be defective in some way. Most likely it will be all of the above. Really any of these scenarios will cause the emotionally unstable to run. They run because intimacy freaks them out. It gives them the creeps. They literally don’t know what to do with it.
Troubled souls long for intimacy. But when it plops in their lap, they sabotage the love before it even has a chance to grow. Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance -the clashing of two conflicting desires or beliefs. In this case, the fear of being alone vs the fear of intimacy. When they finally meet someone who treats them well, they are stricken with the fear of losing them. They dump you before you have a chance to dump them. They emotionally detach before you abandon them.
Once a person has been traumatized, emotional detachment (aka dissociation) becomes second nature to them. Look at how cold the mob has been with me. These people have been so traumatized, they are incapable of showing compassion or love. So they hide behind a wall of cynicism and apathy. That’s on a good day. On a bad day, they lunge at me with vicious and violent comments. They only empathize with my ex because she shares their same victim state of mind. But everybody else is a threat or a predator.
The mob has told me to get over it. But what would these troubled souls know of heartbreak? They only know superficial attachment. Anything deep and meaningful would cripple them with fear. They only know how to use and abuse people. They only use people to fill the void of emptiness that has been with them since birth. Break ups are nothing to someone feigns love. Someone who can switch off their emotions in a heartbeat.
But for a partner who has been fooled into thinking these troubled souls are capable of love, it will be devastating. You will be drowning in love while they will simply step out of the shallow end of the pool. They will wonder why you don’t just move on, because for them it hardly takes effort to walk away from a relationship.
A break up with someone like this will not feel like your normal heartbreak. You are breaking an addiction. Literally. You are addicted to the feel-good chemicals that a trauma survivor has become an expert in eliciting. They have perfected the art of seduction to avoid abandonment. But this should not be mistaken for love. This is an artificial re-creation by someone who has never known true love. When the fear of intimacy overwhelms them (and it always does), they will have no regret about dropping you like a hot potato.
This is not a normal break-up, because this is not a normal person. Normal people don’t cut their wrists when they’re having a bad day. Normal people don’t issue death threats when they don’t care for someone else’s opinion. Normal people don’t cut someone out of their life after telling them how much they love them just weeks before. You can blame their disorder, their upbringing or their trauma. Whatever it is that left these people unhinged, their behavior is anything but normal.
The best way to avoid being put through the wringer is to avoid these sad cases altogether. I have written a very detailed account of my ex and my relationship with her, so you will know what signs to look for. I have allowed the mob to infiltrate this blog to a limited degree, so you can see how these people operate.
The so-called advocates love to say abusers don’t wear signs. They’re wrong. They do. You just have to know how to read them. I’ve been dating girls like this my whole life and I have just now realized what signs I have been missing. I have realized the error of my ways. And the patterns I have been repeating. I have taken personal responsibility for my own well-being. Because no one else will. Especially, not my ex.
Though many of these troubled souls will see this post as a condemnation of them. It is in fact, an opportunity for them to change the course of their tragic lives. My ex has allegedly been molested, raped and mugged. And yet, she and her fauxminist friends claim she’s perfectly fine.
What more needs to happen to her for her to wake up? They have all failed to see a tragic pattern playing itself over and over again. Until she commits to change, she will continue the downward spiral that is her life. She will continue to abuse and be abused. She didn’t choose this path, but she has chosen to continue down this treacherous direction.
I wish I could say I wish my ex well. But she has used and abused me one too many times. I have forgiven her one too many times only to have her betray me and our love over and over again. It is hard to forgive someone who doesn’t even have the maturity, the courage or the decency to own up to her misdeeds. My recent experience with the mob has lead me to believe this type of behavior is more common then we think. Believe it or not, I use to be a nice guy. But unhinged people have a way of wringing the niceness out of you.
February 15, 2011
My Dearest Shady Sady,
Nobody is “twisting” your personal stories against you. True, your stories do provide great insight into your troubled mind. But we hardly need to know your past, to determine your current state of mind. Your behavior in the last week alone speaks volumes about you.
If you don’t want people to characterize you as an “unhinged bitch” then stop acting like an unhinged bitch. If you can’t control your behavior that is a sign that you desperately need help.
I realize that you were victimized and traumatized a long time ago. I am aware that you are compensating for that frightened child who was afraid of “stiff breezes”. But now you have gone from victim to abuser. You have OVER-compensated. You have gone from victim to victimizer.
This has nothing to do with feminism. It has everything to do with the unresolved pain you feel inside. I don’t need to know the details of your life to see this pain. I don’t need to “twist” your stories to reveal what is painfully obvious to everyone except you and your mob.
You’re right, I am some random person. A random person YOU decided to target and antagonize. And now you’re going to act like you’re the victim? the martyr? Do you realize how psychotic that is? YOU are victimizing yourself. You have tarnished your own reputation by acting like a disruptive child who is desperate for attention. Clearly, you are crying out for help. So get it.
Acknowledge the fact that you have an insatiable need for chaos and conflict. Chaos created by you. YOU are the one making your life miserable. You’re Lindsay Lohan without the perks of fame. You are repeating the past. Can’t you see that?
The fact that you have an army of followers only reminds us that the emotionally unstable need structure and guidance. History is replete with examples of delusional people following the orders of mad men and women. You have amassed an online collection of enablers, nothing more. People conditioned to admire the emperor’s new clothes. This is collective denial.
You’re right, I can’t stop you. I can only try to make you and others aware of your own folly. But if you wish to continue this train wreck, I will gladly step aside and watch you ride off the cliff. But if you think I’m going to allow you to take me with you, you’ve got another thing comin.
February 14, 2011
A year ago, my ex and I got dressed up for V-day. It started off as a romantic day of listening to jazz and enjoying afternoon tea. But like all our special moments, it quickly degraded to a day of drama. I won’t bother you with the petty details, because it doesn’t matter. This was the same bullshit that happened on every special day, every vacation, etc.
When things would go too well, she would find a way to sabotage it. This is what self-destructive people do. This is what people do when they fear intimacy. They act like they are madly in love with you. And then when you take the bait, they take the piss out of you. This push-pull mind game is abuse. Don’t take my word for it, do your own research.
I can honestly say that I am happy to be a single man again. I really am. This past new year’s eve was one of the best ones I’ve ever had. And I intend on making this my best Valentine’s. I might even get dressed up again. Because that’s how I roll.
February 10, 2011
I need a break from all this heaviness. And who better to usher in some levity than James Lipton.