The Sadness and The Anger

January 29, 2011

I suppose I could have come up with a better headline, but this pretty much sums up what it’s like to be burnt by a borderline personality. Anyone who has gone through it knows what it’s like to hate someone’s guts. But at the same time, feel sad about the loss. Maybe that’s why I can relate to comments like this one, left at a recent post:

It could very well be that my recent ex has me in a tail spin and therefore I maybe feeling bitter, but I look at my past track of loses and all there is is lonelyness, there was never any real fships or rships, it makes me feel so used and neglected that maybe this is why I choose ppl like this, subconsciously Im telling myself I dont deserve better. I dont think i can take the pain of being abondoned or loved any more that now I desided I dont want a commitment with anyone, nor do i want any fships that are close, I have been left paranoid of others motives and just dont trust there are good, honest, secure ppl in the world.

It’s pretty common for ex-partners of a borderline to feel used and abandoned. It’s why I often compare borderlines to vampires. Not to demonize them, but to describe the way they seduce and victimize, the way they pass on their affliction. They can’t help but hurt the ones they love. Or can they?

Which is why I believe borderlines should avoid serious relationships until they have a handle on their condition. I’m not suggesting avoidance is the solution. I’m suggesting that an untreated borderline make healing the priority, as opposed to jumping into another relationship. If a partner didn’t have a fear of abandonment before, they will after being abandoned by a borderline. To pull someone into a committed relationship, when you know you have a history of running for the hills is unconscionable. It shows either a lack of conscience or lack of self-awareness. Do borderlines need more on their conscience?

When I heard my ex got married, I rolled my eyes into the back of my head. Months earlier she had confessed that she was f-ed up in the head and here she was committing herself to a lifelong relationship. It’s this lack of caring that makes people so angry at borderlines. It’s this complete lack of concern for another’s well-being that makes people think that BPs are pure evil.

And where are the parents during all of this mess? Why haven’t any of her friends or family said anything to her? Are they completely oblivious? I still remember her father telling me he didn’t care about my feelings. So I can only assume he could care less about his new son-in-law. If you wanna know why borderlines are so screwed up, look at the parents. A week did not go by without my ex telling me how miserable both her parents were. Now you know why. The rotten apple does not fall very far from the rotting tree. Since birth, a borderline has been conditioned to not care, to bury the shame and guilt. Her denial is the salt in my wounds. But maybe she knows this. You’d be surprised how vindictive and childish she can be.

People come and go out of my life all the time, it has never really bothered me. But there is a reason why people have such a hard time detaching from a borderline.  Borderlines are masters at creating unbreakable emotional bonds. This is how they ensure that no one is able to abandon them. Before I met my ex, I was a happy care-free bachelor. Despite her constant push for more, I resisted as long as I could. And when I finally gave in, that’s when it all went downhill. It’s such a cruel game to play- To pull someone in. And as soon as they give in, push them out with utter disregard.

Partners can only feel sadness and anger when thinking about what could have been. But the truth is, as you learn more about BPD, it never was. It only seemed to be because both of you wanted it to be. But that is never enough. The longing for true love is not enough to make it happen. You can’t fake love. Only when you grasp the fact that the borderline is unable to love, can a partner let the borderline go.

I told the commenter above that there are good people out there, but there are also a lot of messed up people. As a survivor of this kind of abuse, we have to learn to sort the good from the bad.  I think part of this involves a journey of self-discovery. Like this commenter, I’ve had to ask myself why I get involved with lovers who are unable to love.  I can rant about my crazy ex all day. But when it comes down to it, I am responsible for the people I let into my life.

It’s not easy to find true love. Especially, when people, like my ex, are so good at hiding their disorder. But I have to be honest with myself and admit that I ignored telltale signs. I lied to myself. I have brought this pain onto myself. These are not easy things to admit. These are not easy patterns to break. But if I don’t break them, I am doomed to repeat the past.

4 Responses to “The Sadness and The Anger”

  1. Miss K said

    It is so true, as much as we can be angry at our ex loved ones for hurting us, why do we allow ourselves to continue being put thru the washer?
    It has dawned on me that every guy I have dated in the past, is somewhat an Alpha Male, even though I have known this before getting into the rships, I felt it was a challenge to throw myself into this mess in order to help change or fix them.
    Reality has finally hit, that these ppl, can not be changed or helped in any way, it has to come from them and them alone, if and only if they are aware of there condition and want to then seek professional help, mind you even if they did, it would take years even a decade for them to change. It takes time for someone like that to change and its a constant daily battle to better themselves.
    Now I realise how dellusional I was thinking you can care for someone, love them and they will eventually start to slowly turn around for the better!!!! wrong!!! This was only more heartbreak for me.
    Where I have come to terms of there behaviour is finally having the thirst to read up about these men, I googled, manipulator, emotional abuser, NPD. BPD anything that gave me more knowledge about how these ppl think and tick. I realised then and there, that this challenge that I thrived on, was never going to change, this was their make-up and how they have conditioned themselves from young, this push and pull cycle has nothing to do with playing hard to get (which is natural in the first part of dating), their charm, again has nothing to do with adoring you, its just a hook to pull you in, any thing you thought was….is not…if at all the complete opposite of what you hope it to be.
    They dont love, they just love the game, once your gamed, your booted out pretty much.
    What I have found, is sites like this, has helped me dramatically to move on, all this information has helped me see these ppl in a diff light, in one way I feel when Im ready to get back into a rship, that I don’t see myself making the same mistake I have made in the past, well thats what I hope, i know there is a pattern there that i need to break, but reading all these stories and the condition of a BPD, has made me realise how they tick and pretty much how they tick others off from their bad behaviour, its now making me also realise how less attractive they are becoming to me to have in my life, let alone as a future partner, there traits dont seem to be so glorious now that you know there real intentions.
    I know Im quite angry at the moment, but then I have my moments where I also feel for him being this way, but again, that is not my problem anymore, and when I let it be to help another human being, I only got crushed. Now its time to save myself and find some happyness in my world. If anything, when I look back on the past rships, there has been nothing but time wasted, and time is precious, I haven’t yet to turned around and say “well, it didn’t work out but I don’t regret the time I had with this person” instead, I have unbelivable regret for all the time I wasted and the unhappyness I have caused myself, almost self inflicted because I knew deep down, this person wasn’t going to be good for me.
    happyness, once you have healed, you can work getting that back into your life…Time on the other hand you will never get back, so guys, know this, when you come across one or more of those red flags you did in your previous rships/fships, walk away, this new person is now different, your time is not worth this drama or heartache, life is precious and we all deserve to live our lives with some kind of happyness, it is really up to us to change, and that all starts from breaking bad habits, dating untreated BPD’s is one of them.

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