A Progressive Abuser?

January 24, 2011

When you think of domestic abuse, you think of a backwards man with beer belly and a wife-beater tank-top. You don’t think of a fashion-forward progressive feminist. But that’s because our view of abuse is very myopic. When we think of an abuse victim, we visualize a housewife with a black eye. And we laugh at a man who claims to have been abused by a woman. It’s sad that, in this day and age, people still don’t recognize the damaging effects of emotional abuse.

It is particularly frustrating for a victim of borderline personality abuse. Because, not only have they been victimized and traumatized, nobody believes it. A borderline leaves wounds that are invisible. No black eye. No bruised arm. Just a lifetime’s worth of psychological damage. If you want to know what effect this type of abuse has on a person, just look at the borderline. Most likely they were abused by a parent with a personality disorder. If you need more proof of BPD abuse, look at the large number of sites and forums started by such victims. It is proof, not only that BPD abuse is real, but it also a testament to how important it is for these victims to be acknowledged.

My borderline ex fancies herself a progressive. She is a liberal activist, a militant feminist and (at one time) a lesbian. Why, she even composts her trash. On her free time, she teaches hip-hop dance to little kids. You don’t get much more progressive than that. She is the last person you would think would be an abuser. But that is exactly why she gets away with her abusive behavior. Some would say the deceit is worse than the abuse itself.

This month my ex is showing her support for woman’s choice. The tagline: I trust women. A noble cause but there is a bit of irony here. As an untreated borderline personality, she has made some really bad choices in her life. The worst being not to seek treatment. It is also ironic that she is asking people to trust women. When she, herself, has shown time and time again that she can not be trusted. Don’t get me wrong. I still trust women (emotionally healthy women). I also support a woman’s right to choose abortion. But I find it a little disingenuous for someone so backwards in her own personal life to pretend she is so progressive in her public life. I actually find it quite offensive.

But this is the kind of disconnect you will find with borderlines. Silent abusers always present one image to the world, while behaving in contradictory ways in private. She describes herself as a complicated woman. But that’s a euphemism for a two-faced woman. On some level, she knows she can be boorish at times, so she compensates by acting like a humanitarian of sorts.

She is all about putting on airs. As a fashion blogger, she has created an image of a glamorous Hollywood starlet. But in private, her behavior has been less than classy. She has embarrassed herself so many times, she has had to move to another country to avoid the shame. As a feminist journalist she writes with moral righteousness. But if you’ve ever bore witness to her abusive side, you would question her morals.

This well-crafted public persona is meant to be a cover up. She knows she is deeply troubled. But rather than confront her personal demons, she has made the choice to cover them up. She has made the choice to avoid acknowledging the pain she has caused others. So much for a woman’s choice. It’s hard to believe someone, who is so socially conscious, can lack so much self-awareness. Until you realize her activism (like her other pursuits) was designed to take her mind off her illness. For a borderline, fighting for social change is easier than fighting for personal change.

But then again, the world is full of hypocritical moralists that preach one thing and then do the exact opposite. Nobody is perfect, but it always seems like the people who work the hardest to portray an upright image are the same ones making everyone’s life miserable. Do I trust women to make good decisions about their own health? Yes. Unless, of course, that woman is an untreated borderline. Then I don’t trust her at all.

One Response to “A Progressive Abuser?”

  1. savorydish said

    Interesting. You self-righteously accuse me of false-accusations but you hardly know me.

    You defend my ex but you don’t know her at all.

    I’m assuming you’re not a trained therapist but yet you are so sure my ex is not a borderline.

    What were you saying about hypocrisy “bro”?

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