Sigh

January 22, 2011

Just when I think I’ve finally met a well-adjusted woman, she admits to me that she was raped. It’s official. I attract tragic women. I’ve read enough about this to know why, but it still doesn’t cease to amaze me. I hate to judge someone because she has confessed a terrible past, but I know how it will end. In the end, I’m the one who gets screwed.

She seems buttoned-up enough, but I’ve fallen for this act before. Why does it bother me that she’s a survivor? Because it usually means heart break for me. How am I so sure of this? Because, I’ve been down this road before. More than once. Despite my better judgment, I get involved with these tragic women, thinking we can overcome the emotional obstacles. But inevitably, they always freak out.

Up to this point, she’s only gone out with abusive assholes. And now that she has found someone who has the patience to deal with her issues, she will eventually feel compelled to sabotage the relationship and run for cover.

Eventually, she will find a way to demonize me too, because untreated survivors create self-fulfilling prophecies. They create unrealistic expectations that you are sure to fail. They create hostility that makes you say and do things you never dreamed of saying or doing. They pull you in only to push you away. And then they punish you when you finally do drift away. It is a no-win situation. It is their own brand of abuse.

As with most survivors, there’s usually more to the story, stories of a chaotic family life and rocky relationships. She has already admitted to feeling smothered by men. This is a red alert signaling that this woman has severe intimacy issues.

Not to mention my own issues. When you have been burnt as many times as I have, you steer away from commitment. I have made the conscious decision to continue dating other women. Not because I’m a player. Because I’m reluctant to pour my heart into another relationship just to have it broken by another tragic woman.

It’s too bad. She is a sweet person and we have so much fun together, but I can already tell she’s emotionally unavailable. I have a tendency to date busy women. But usually they’re busy for a reason. And it’s not because they’re ambitious. It’s because they’re avoiding intimacy. I’d like to get to know her more, but I fear I already know more than enough.

27 Responses to “Sigh”

  1. savorydish said

    Dear Ashton,
    Trauma is emotionally damaging. That is not an insult to rape survivors,that is a fact. If vets from war have to seek counseling, why is it an insult to suggest rape survivors should do so as well? Grow up.

  2. savorydish said

    Dear 1482,

    For your clarification, I did not date other women while dating my ex. Sadly, my borderline ex was not as loyal. I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion. I can only assume you are talking about your own troubled relationship with men. But thanks for pretending you care. That’s not passive-aggressive at all.

  3. savorydish said

    You are so right Katie.

    You see right through me. How silly of me to think a rape survivor has intimacy issues. I must be out of my mind. Thank you for reminding me its always the man’s fault. From now on I will only date women who have been traumatized by rape, expecting nothing but undying love.

  4. savorydish said

    Thanks Avitty,

    I don’t think she’s a bitch, but I agree her coping methods do spell trouble.

    • savorydish said

      My Dearest Avitty,
      Your well-crafted sarcasm was not lost on me, it was ignored. This is why your comment was not posted.

      You were quickly identified as an asshole and a moron, and that is why you will remain unposted. When you have the balls to speak with some sincerity and civility you will be allowed to play with the others. Until then you will be treated like a child sent to the corner.

  5. savorydish said

    Dear dear Avitty,
    I want you to ask yourself what you think you’re trying to prove? Are you really on a crusade to defend a woman who you hardly know? Or are you just looking for a fight? What demons from the past are you chasing? It seems you are desperate for attention. I get that. But why? The only attention you’re getting is humiliation. And that enrages you, because here you are AGAIN trying desperately to save face. But in the process, you are making yourself seem petty and childish. Are you embarrassed? Because I’m embarrassed for you.

  6. savorydish said

    Back again Avitty?

    LOL. And now you’re critiquing my writing style? You’re running out of things to complain about, my dear. You’re desperate to score a point, but you have only showed how desperate you are. So what is it that you think you’re accomplishing? You keep coming back for more punishment. No, it’s not a coincidence that you are not the only one. Because you are cut from the same cloth as the others. You share the same affliction. Just because you came here with a mob doesn’t mean you have any type of legitimacy. You’re just a bunch of bored over-privileged malcontents looking for a purpose in life. Is that the group you want to be identified with?

  7. savorydish said

    Dear Avitty,

    I appreciate the apology. I also encourage you to read the other posts before you judge me. Let’s start fresh and try to understand each other.

  8. savorydish said

    Avitty,

    I appreciate your apology, but your comments were highly inappropriate. Being bored is not an excuse to lash out at people because you disagree with them. But I am a fair man, show me that you can be trusted to make rational comments and I will post your comments. For now, the readers know what they need to know about you through my replies. If you have a story to tell I will consider posting that as well.

  9. savorydish said

    My Dearest Avitty,
    I showed I was the better man when I took the time to answer your irrational comments. If you were so keen on getting posted here, you should have thought twice before you came in like gangbusters. You have an opportunity to earn my trust. But it will take time because we can not erase the past. I have no problem with opposition, just people who are disrespectful. Look at the people who post regularly here and see how they post. When you can post like they do, I will reconsider.

  10. savorydish said

    Avitty,
    The reason why you haven’t been posted is not because you disagree with me. People here disagree with me all the time. I write posts that provoke thought and debate. I expect it. I encourage it.
    The reason why you haven’t been posted is because you are very immature. You are desperate for attention. And you basically think your way is the only way. You strike me as being very young and naive but yet you think you know everything. I’m gathering you are one of those precocious kids who is socially maladjusted and tries to act like you’re above it all because secretly you can’t relate to anyone. So instead you write brooding poetry and read Harry Potter and Twilight novels. You live in a world of fantasy because you can’t deal with reality. Tell me I’ve got you all wrong. In short, you are a pain in the ass.

  11. savorydish said

    Oh Avvita. It kills you not be accepted. That’s ok Harry will always be there for you. LOL

    • savorydish said

      Avitta,
      If you’re looking for a circle jerk go back to tigerbeatoff

      • savorydish said

        Avitty,
        Flick away maybe it will take your mind off being deleted=)

      • savorydish said

        As i was telling Amber K,
        whenever you want to get real and stop the bullshitting. You let me know. Tell me your story and if it’s interesting, I’ll post it.

      • savorydish said

        No, I’m just trying to cut through the bullshit small talk. I find most militant feminists are using that as a facade to cover up the sadness. You talk about gender politics because you don’t want to get personal. I get that sense with you big time. You have that snide veneer, that “I don’t give a shit anymore” attitude. I’m sure it works well with the teenage boys and girls. But to be honest, it bores the shit out of me.

      • savorydish said

        Amber K is your kindred soul from another post. maybe you should browse around. You seem to be stuck on this post.

      • savorydish said

        No you don’t. You only think you believe in equal rights for all people. You only care about your rights and your agenda. You’re not a feminist, you’re an opportunist. But I’ve said too much.

        let me know when you want to talk like human beings…

  12. Moses said

    Savory-

    I really want to commend you for having such patience, although I do wish I could read the comments posted by some of the other users. Although I am also sure it is things I have heard before (and although it seems as if you are getting much more personal in these comments rather than a few of the others I have read), I think the contrast would add validity to your arguments.

    Anyway, I really only have one question for you, and that is whether you are seeking (or aiding these women you have dated in seeking) professional help. You acknowledge that you believe them to be victims stuck in their pasts, or continuously repeating their trauma because it is something with which they know how to deal. However have you ever tried to help them break this cycle? In breaking this cycle, perhaps you will break your own cycle of getting “involved with these tragic women.”

    Just a thought,
    Moses

    • savorydish said

      hi Moses,
      If you keep on reading my stories, you will see that I have attempted to get these people help. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. You can’t help those who don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. I had to threaten to leave my ex, before she agreed to therapy. And she quit after only three sessions.

      She has allegedly suffered trauma from rape, molestation and a mugging but yet she is convinced she is A OK. Furthermore she has sought the council of others who are in denial. They have convinced each other that they’re all ok. Denial is a strong force to be reckoned with. There’s a reason why troubled people travel in packs. Together they form an impenetrable wall of denial.

      Worse yet, they will attempt to gaslight you in hopes of convincing you that you’re the problem. They want you to believe that you’re the one who needs help. These people are covering up a lot of pain. More pain then we will ever know. Awareness is the first step to recovery, but it also brings more pain. It reveals a past they have worked very hard to cover up. This is why it is so hard for them to get better. And so hard to get them help. So hard to break the cycle.

      Thanks for visiting. I invite you to stay and learn more. The answers to your question are all here.

      • Moses said

        Savory-

        Upon further reading, I realized my mistake. Please do not take this the wrong way when I ask if you have ever considered therapy for yourself? I am a huge proponent of therapy (as I am a woman with Daddy/abandonment issues who went through the process for the better) for everyone, regardless of whether they feel the need for it or not. Simply talking to someone who understands can be therapeutic on its own. I also tend to believe that if we find ourselves in a cycle, the best way out is to put a stop to it, usually by outside forces.

        I’m sorry if this came out the wrong way, please forgive my intrusion. I believe this blog has become a sort of ventilation for you, and when it was intruded it no longer continued to help you. I don’t know, but you remind me a lot of one of my guy friends who is going through the same sort of thing right now with his ex, and just trying to make sense of it.

        As always, just some thoughts,
        Moses

      • savorydish said

        No worries. Your concern is sincere, so I’m not offended at all.

        I’m actually a huge fan of therapy. People are so angered when I suggest therapy to them. They think I’m insulting them.
        Personality disorders and trauma are nothing to be ashamed of. But they need to be addressed. You wouldn’t be ashamed if you had cancer.
        Well, these disorders are like cancers of the mind. To ignore them only makes it worse.

        Mental health has been a part of my life since high school, just like physical fitness. But yet more people are concerned about maintaining their weight than their mind and soul. Sorry, don’t mean to get new agey on you.

        Does that mean I’m perfect? Hell no. It’s not about perfection. It’s about constantly checking in with myself and making sure I’m aware of anything that might be of concern. People have criticized me for writing my experiences down in a blog. Why? I’m sure it’s embarrassing for my ex, but it’s also embarrassing to me. This blog helps me be aware of my feelings. It has connected me with healthy loving people like you. Sometimes there’s conflict, but that has only lasted for a few days. Mostly I find this process to be very constructive.

        The problems arise when people ignore or suppress feelings. That’s when stuff bubbles up in bad ways. Look, I get road rage and pissed off when things don’t go my way, just like everybody else. But then I write shit down, have a good meal, maybe a drink or two and I’m just like new. But if something traumatic happens to me like this relationship, I make myself slow down and take stock of what just happened. Does that sound unhealthy?
        My ex got married 3 months after we broke up, she has never slowed down in her life to take care of the stuff that’s swirling in her head. That’s why she’s a train wreck waiting to happen.

        Think about it. We go to a doctor for a physical, for our eyes and even our teeth. Why wouldn’t we go to a doctor for a mental check-up? Especially if you know you’ve been through some traumatic experiences.

        Yes I know the cost is prohibitive. This I understand. But there’s always group therapy and most shrinks have sliding scales. And it doesn’t hurt to read a self-help book every now and then. And you would be surprised how much info you can find on the internet, including forums that serve as supportive environments. This blog isn’t a definitive source for such material. But I try to provide links whenever I can.

        So to answer your question, I am doing everything and anything I can to make sense of my world. But the better question is why isn’t everybody else? Ok, I’ll stop ranting now.

        I’m also a huge fan of educating yourself, speaking with others, and as you can see writing. The intrusions are unpleasant but I do think they present an opportunity to raise awareness. Thousands of new visitors have come to this blog. Some may stomp off angry, but I hope some have walked off thinking about some of the stuff I have written. Am I delusional to think I can make a difference… maybe. But what good is hardship if you can’t make something positive out of it.

    • savorydish said

      “I agree, Savory’s in a position to do a lot of good here.” -Attiva

      Could it be? Have you really turned the corner? Have you really turned from foe to friend? This could be the start of something beautiful. I can only hope.

    • savorydish said

      ps- I wish I could post all the comments. But unfortunately a lot of these angry trolls have the intention of disrupting the blog. So instead I have tried to answer their points as best as I can. The only ones I have ignored are the ones that repeat themselves.

  13. fortunate fool said

    Smart move; and I hope all the readers pay heed. I too had my life turned upside down by a woman with borderline disorder.

    The fact is the word borderline omits the second part of the diagnosis which is psychosis. And people who suffer from BPD can be every bit as deluded and psychotic as someone with schizophrenia. But it is insidious and hard to detect; sadly even for the persons themselves.

    They provoke emotions in themselves and others because that is how they feel alive. It is basically a cancer of the heart (a terminal diagnosis).

    Through the delusions and paranoia and even sometimes outright hallucinations, they can slowly eat away at who you are, shaping you to become a monster to their needs. People with less control or empathy, it can basically trigger deep seated human aggression and cruelty, thus the stories/experiences of repeated taunting, rapes, and violence.

    Whether you fancy yourself a player or just a “normal guy”; this is not something you can fix!

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