We Are Not Alone

January 20, 2011

I have to admit I started writing about borderline personality disorder for selfish reasons. For me, it was a way to recover from an insane relationship. It was entirely self-indulgent. But every once in a while, I get a comment from a reader who has gone through the same exact harrowing experience. It sounds cheesy, but it really does warm my heart to know someone else has benefited from this blog.

These comments have encouraged me to continue telling my story because I know how good it feels to know you’re not alone. Being a survivor of a BP betrayal is a lonely experience. Not even your own friends or family can relate. I don’t blame them. It sounds like a made up story, made up by a bitter lover. It’s pretty convenient for you to say an ex-lover was crazy after they have broken your heart. But BPD is real, the evidence is irrefutable. The signs of BPD are unmistakable. And comments like these help confirm it:

From a reader named Anders:

I´m a guy from sweden. I read your story gasping for air. I´ve just gone throw EXACTLY the same thing, the same pain and frustration. She acted identically to your girl. Blocked me completely after saying “I have never loved anyone so much”. I have since learned that she has Borerline which explained many of her sides I had noticed. Hell on earth!

From a reader named Shane:

This small article may have saved my life,I am a non BPD and everything in this piece resonated with me

I have finally moved on from my relationship with a BPD,it amazes me how long it took to disengage,my rational mind was in constant conflict with my emotions and my desire to recapture something that was a mirage in the first place,what also amazes me is the consistency in the recounting of the progression of relationships with BPD partners,it’s almost as if my story was being disclosed,also it’s a lonely detachment,no one,unless they go through this type of relationship themselves could really grasp how much of a living nightmare it is, God save me from any interaction with this type of woman again

Completely Lost wrote:

I’m crying as I read the above posts. For months now I have sought answers as to why the person I gave everything I had to could try and destroy me and discard me like waste. My partner went from idolizing me to demonizing me in a matter of minutes. She convinced me I was a bad person. I could never do anything right. The harder I tried the more inadequate I was. It’s so hard to understand, everyone who knows me tells me what a good catch I am, strong loyal and successful and most importantly loving. She sucked me in with her sex and adoration only to toss me away. I have never seen anyone sabotage their relationship so badly. It got to the stage where I was scared to speak, for fear of het attacking me. I have compromised who I am and I have lashed out at her and said things I’m ashamed of.

Susan wrote:

I just wanted to say thanks for posting info about BPD. I came across your website while researching BPD. (I recently ended a very brief, intense relationship with someone whom I suspect has BPD – – she’s undiagnosed and obviously in denial).

Although I know that I did the right thing by leaving, I still have doubts, because the destructive behavior at the end of our relationship just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Our ‘honeymoon’ period/phase was amazing; after the brief honeymoon phase, things quickly deteriorated. My head is still spinning from the completely irrational accusations that were hurled at me on a weekly basis. I spent much of my time and energy trying to prove how much I loved her and that I was trustworthy. After feeling run-down, rejected and exhausted, I had to flee for good, to protect myself. Apparently, I couldn’t do anything “right” – – calling or texting at the “wrong” time, from my cell phone instead of my home phone (to her, calling from a cell phone meant you were cheating, I guess). She accused me of having affairs with friends and even doubted and dismissed any proof I provided to calm her down (yes, even phone records). That was enough to prove to me that I was in a no-win situation. She would continually need to irrationally “split” me black, anytime I got too close. It was becoming too painful for me, so I had no choice but to leave.

I feel silly and foolish for missing her, or missing what we shared in the beginning, which I (sadly) realize now was an illusion. That’s been the hardest thing for me to accept.

My ex hinted at and joked about having OCD, but I’m sure there’s a lot she kept hidden from me. Knowing about her OCD and possible ADHD is what lead me to info about BPD. When I came across the symptoms of BPD, is when I had my “lightbulb” moment – – it described her exact behavior.

Thanks again for the info you’re sharing. It really is helpful to people who are healing/getting over and trying to accept and make sense of why people with BPD can be so cruel and destructive.

In case you think I just get comments from Nons, here’s a comment from a borderline gal named Skye:

You’re absolutely right. The worst thing anyone can do, is not know. To not research. For years, I wasn’t aware of why I was behaving the way I was and to this day I still have difficulties with it. I had so much guilt for the shit I put one of my ex boyfriends through, it haunted me. It was on my mind from the moment I woke up. Finally, I got the courage to apologize. I don’t know if he took it sincerely or even took a moment to think about it, but it felt better.

Ah, I’m rambling. Anyways, I appreciate your input on it. I appreciate when people can discuss BP and give the opportunity to make people aware. It’s scary living with it. The constant guilt, the constant feeling of being alone, and the fact that out of any disorder, BP is the most likely to end in suicide, is quite terrifying.

But Skye is an exception to the rule. Rarely, do I hear about borderlines calling to apologize. Most borderlines won’t even admit that there’s anything wrong with them.

I suppose it’s a small consolation prize to know that you’re not alone. But a BPD relationship is so surreal, having another human being confirm your suspicions can actually feel pretty damn good. At least you know you weren’t imagining it all.

Will it erase the pain? No. But every little bit helps. So please keep the stories coming.

4 Responses to “We Are Not Alone”

  1. Miss said

    Thank you for your posts, they have been amazingly helpful. And it has definately helped educate me about BPD’s, I always found myself dating these kind of traits/ppl, over time, i didnt know they had a personality disorder till now, I guess past dates/boyfriends where not as bad as my recent ex..now that i understand it, I sometimes wish i chosed my partners more carefully or at least have some patience or understanding of there condition, which i still not sure it would of mattered to them.
    I cant help but think all these years of self inflicted pain of being involved with selfish/BPD boyfriends, if it is possible to actually become one yourself over time? My best traits are now being locked away, I know who I am and what I have to offer, my generousity, love, affection, compasion is no longer there, its like i finally made a desicion that no one deserves it any more. I feel i have nothing more to offer anyone, and no one can love me the same way i love them. I cant help think that my constant loses in my life, by men (and women, w/insecure fships) continually miss treating and abondoning me has finally made me crack.
    It could very well be that my recent ex has me in a tail spin and therefore I maybe feeling bitter, but I look at my past track of loses and all there is is lonelyness, there was never any real fships or rships, it makes me feel so used and neglected that maybe this is why I choose ppl like this, subconsciously Im telling myself I dont deserve better. I dont think i can take the pain of being abondoned or loved any more that now I desided I dont want a commitment with anyone, nor do i want any fships that are close, I have been left paranoid of others motives and just dont trust there are good, honest, secure ppl in the world.
    I still care for my ex, I hate the fact i care too much for ppl and i have little in return from them, but i also feel bitter about the ppl throughout my life and wonder if im going down the track of a BPD in my adult years, my heart is definately hardening up…Its almost though I feel what they are going thru themselves, its a very lonely and sad journey.

    I thank you for your posts, You have helped me answer some of those questions i couldnt quite put my finger on with BPD’s but it has also helped me look at myself and whom im becoming from these experiences.

    • savorydish said

      You’re very welcome and thank you for your support. But as you can see, you are not alone. There are a lot of us and we are all hurting. But we can heal together and help each other make better choices. I know I have learned a lot reading other people’s stories. What I have learned is that there are good people out there, but a lot of these people are emotionally damaged. These are people who hurt people without even knowing it. This is why I believe spreading awareness is the answer. I know what you mean when you say your heart is becoming hard. But never regret being a loving and compassionate person. The world is in short supply of such people. You just need to learn how to treat yourself as well as you treat others. Best of luck and thanks for sharing your story.

      • Miss said

        Thank you Savoury Dish for your feedback, I think you are correct, there is quite a short supply of loving ppl, i must not forget that, or who I am, and those who are also capable of loving, in time, I think I can give my heart again…it will take some healing till then…and being in a supportive forum/site like this where we can all heal, support eachother and make better decisions in the future 🙂

  2. […] feel sad about the loss. Maybe that’s why I can relate to comments like this one, left at a recent post: It could very well be that my recent ex has me in a tail spin and therefore I maybe feeling […]

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