January 29, 2011
I suppose I could have come up with a better headline, but this pretty much sums up what it’s like to be burnt by a borderline personality. Anyone who has gone through it knows what it’s like to hate someone’s guts. But at the same time, feel sad about the loss. Maybe that’s why I can relate to comments like this one, left at a recent post:
It could very well be that my recent ex has me in a tail spin and therefore I maybe feeling bitter, but I look at my past track of loses and all there is is lonelyness, there was never any real fships or rships, it makes me feel so used and neglected that maybe this is why I choose ppl like this, subconsciously Im telling myself I dont deserve better. I dont think i can take the pain of being abondoned or loved any more that now I desided I dont want a commitment with anyone, nor do i want any fships that are close, I have been left paranoid of others motives and just dont trust there are good, honest, secure ppl in the world.
It’s pretty common for ex-partners of a borderline to feel used and abandoned. It’s why I often compare borderlines to vampires. Not to demonize them, but to describe the way they seduce and victimize, the way they pass on their affliction. They can’t help but hurt the ones they love. Or can they?
Which is why I believe borderlines should avoid serious relationships until they have a handle on their condition. I’m not suggesting avoidance is the solution. I’m suggesting that an untreated borderline make healing the priority, as opposed to jumping into another relationship. If a partner didn’t have a fear of abandonment before, they will after being abandoned by a borderline. To pull someone into a committed relationship, when you know you have a history of running for the hills is unconscionable. It shows either a lack of conscience or lack of self-awareness. Do borderlines need more on their conscience?
When I heard my ex got married, I rolled my eyes into the back of my head. Months earlier she had confessed that she was f-ed up in the head and here she was committing herself to a lifelong relationship. It’s this lack of caring that makes people so angry at borderlines. It’s this complete lack of concern for another’s well-being that makes people think that BPs are pure evil.
And where are the parents during all of this mess? Why haven’t any of her friends or family said anything to her? Are they completely oblivious? I still remember her father telling me he didn’t care about my feelings. So I can only assume he could care less about his new son-in-law. If you wanna know why borderlines are so screwed up, look at the parents. A week did not go by without my ex telling me how miserable both her parents were. Now you know why. The rotten apple does not fall very far from the rotting tree. Since birth, a borderline has been conditioned to not care, to bury the shame and guilt. Her denial is the salt in my wounds. But maybe she knows this. You’d be surprised how vindictive and childish she can be.
People come and go out of my life all the time, it has never really bothered me. But there is a reason why people have such a hard time detaching from a borderline. Borderlines are masters at creating unbreakable emotional bonds. This is how they ensure that no one is able to abandon them. Before I met my ex, I was a happy care-free bachelor. Despite her constant push for more, I resisted as long as I could. And when I finally gave in, that’s when it all went downhill. It’s such a cruel game to play- To pull someone in. And as soon as they give in, push them out with utter disregard.
Partners can only feel sadness and anger when thinking about what could have been. But the truth is, as you learn more about BPD, it never was. It only seemed to be because both of you wanted it to be. But that is never enough. The longing for true love is not enough to make it happen. You can’t fake love. Only when you grasp the fact that the borderline is unable to love, can a partner let the borderline go.
I told the commenter above that there are good people out there, but there are also a lot of messed up people. As a survivor of this kind of abuse, we have to learn to sort the good from the bad. I think part of this involves a journey of self-discovery. Like this commenter, I’ve had to ask myself why I get involved with lovers who are unable to love. I can rant about my crazy ex all day. But when it comes down to it, I am responsible for the people I let into my life.
It’s not easy to find true love. Especially, when people, like my ex, are so good at hiding their disorder. But I have to be honest with myself and admit that I ignored telltale signs. I lied to myself. I have brought this pain onto myself. These are not easy things to admit. These are not easy patterns to break. But if I don’t break them, I am doomed to repeat the past.
January 26, 2011
What the… traffic has more than quadrupled today. Thank you to the members of BPDFamily for your kind words. And welcome to all the new visitors.
January 24, 2011
When you think of domestic abuse, you think of a backwards man with beer belly and a wife-beater tank-top. You don’t think of a fashion-forward progressive feminist. But that’s because our view of abuse is very myopic. When we think of an abuse victim, we visualize a housewife with a black eye. And we laugh at a man who claims to have been abused by a woman. It’s sad that, in this day and age, people still don’t recognize the damaging effects of emotional abuse.
It is particularly frustrating for a victim of borderline personality abuse. Because, not only have they been victimized and traumatized, nobody believes it. A borderline leaves wounds that are invisible. No black eye. No bruised arm. Just a lifetime’s worth of psychological damage. If you want to know what effect this type of abuse has on a person, just look at the borderline. Most likely they were abused by a parent with a personality disorder. If you need more proof of BPD abuse, look at the large number of sites and forums started by such victims. It is proof, not only that BPD abuse is real, but it also a testament to how important it is for these victims to be acknowledged.
My borderline ex fancies herself a progressive. She is a liberal activist, a militant feminist and (at one time) a lesbian. Why, she even composts her trash. On her free time, she teaches hip-hop dance to little kids. You don’t get much more progressive than that. She is the last person you would think would be an abuser. But that is exactly why she gets away with her abusive behavior. Some would say the deceit is worse than the abuse itself.
This month my ex is showing her support for woman’s choice. The tagline: I trust women. A noble cause but there is a bit of irony here. As an untreated borderline personality, she has made some really bad choices in her life. The worst being not to seek treatment. It is also ironic that she is asking people to trust women. When she, herself, has shown time and time again that she can not be trusted. Don’t get me wrong. I still trust women (emotionally healthy women). I also support a woman’s right to choose abortion. But I find it a little disingenuous for someone so backwards in her own personal life to pretend she is so progressive in her public life. I actually find it quite offensive.
But this is the kind of disconnect you will find with borderlines. Silent abusers always present one image to the world, while behaving in contradictory ways in private. She describes herself as a complicated woman. But that’s a euphemism for a two-faced woman. On some level, she knows she can be boorish at times, so she compensates by acting like a humanitarian of sorts.
She is all about putting on airs. As a fashion blogger, she has created an image of a glamorous Hollywood starlet. But in private, her behavior has been less than classy. She has embarrassed herself so many times, she has had to move to another country to avoid the shame. As a feminist journalist she writes with moral righteousness. But if you’ve ever bore witness to her abusive side, you would question her morals.
This well-crafted public persona is meant to be a cover up. She knows she is deeply troubled. But rather than confront her personal demons, she has made the choice to cover them up. She has made the choice to avoid acknowledging the pain she has caused others. So much for a woman’s choice. It’s hard to believe someone, who is so socially conscious, can lack so much self-awareness. Until you realize her activism (like her other pursuits) was designed to take her mind off her illness. For a borderline, fighting for social change is easier than fighting for personal change.
But then again, the world is full of hypocritical moralists that preach one thing and then do the exact opposite. Nobody is perfect, but it always seems like the people who work the hardest to portray an upright image are the same ones making everyone’s life miserable. Do I trust women to make good decisions about their own health? Yes. Unless, of course, that woman is an untreated borderline. Then I don’t trust her at all.
January 22, 2011
Just when I think I’ve finally met a well-adjusted woman, she admits to me that she was raped. It’s official. I attract tragic women. I’ve read enough about this to know why, but it still doesn’t cease to amaze me. I hate to judge someone because she has confessed a terrible past, but I know how it will end. In the end, I’m the one who gets screwed.
She seems buttoned-up enough, but I’ve fallen for this act before. Why does it bother me that she’s a survivor? Because it usually means heart break for me. How am I so sure of this? Because, I’ve been down this road before. More than once. Despite my better judgment, I get involved with these tragic women, thinking we can overcome the emotional obstacles. But inevitably, they always freak out.
Up to this point, she’s only gone out with abusive assholes. And now that she has found someone who has the patience to deal with her issues, she will eventually feel compelled to sabotage the relationship and run for cover.
Eventually, she will find a way to demonize me too, because untreated survivors create self-fulfilling prophecies. They create unrealistic expectations that you are sure to fail. They create hostility that makes you say and do things you never dreamed of saying or doing. They pull you in only to push you away. And then they punish you when you finally do drift away. It is a no-win situation. It is their own brand of abuse.
As with most survivors, there’s usually more to the story, stories of a chaotic family life and rocky relationships. She has already admitted to feeling smothered by men. This is a red alert signaling that this woman has severe intimacy issues.
Not to mention my own issues. When you have been burnt as many times as I have, you steer away from commitment. I have made the conscious decision to continue dating other women. Not because I’m a player. Because I’m reluctant to pour my heart into another relationship just to have it broken by another tragic woman.
It’s too bad. She is a sweet person and we have so much fun together, but I can already tell she’s emotionally unavailable. I have a tendency to date busy women. But usually they’re busy for a reason. And it’s not because they’re ambitious. It’s because they’re avoiding intimacy. I’d like to get to know her more, but I fear I already know more than enough.
January 21, 2011
I was looking for more insight into why some borderlines cling onto denial. I found it in a forum thread named “Mourning for the days of ignorance“, written by a poster who goes by the name Masquerade:
Does anyone else feel this way? l am in the middle of a long and arduous therapy and it has been helpful in teaching me self awareness. l have HPD and cyclothmia and l am certain l have borderline traits too.
Before my therapy, when l lived in ignorance of my condition, life was sometimes difficult but l did not have the knowledge or the stigma of my disorders and lived in blissfull ignorance and life seemed to be so much simpler then. Now that l know l have the disorder/s and have it re inforced by reading about others here who think and behave in similar ways to myself l have actually become more depressed, even though l am now more self aware and can see the patterns in my behaviour and am learning ways to unthink them. lt is as if l am no longer in denial about myself, but not being in denial any longer is PAINFULL !!!!! My therapist has said that this is a necessary part of my recovery because l am facing up to all the pain in my past and not repressing it by acting in personality disordered ways or shifting the blame onto others etc etc, but l wonder if it is all worth it because of the level of pain l am now experiencing?
l feel as if l am mourning for the me l was before l started my therapy, who had learnt to deny, repress the pain by shifting it onto behaviour that was maladaptive. l am also mourning for the blissfull ignorance of the disorder/s and now that l know for sure that l have them l am no longer in denial but it HURTS LIKE CRAZY to be confronted with the stark reality of life. l am no longer in denial about other things, like my poor relationships with certain people or the fact that my husband’s job is insecure and to worry about the realities of daily life is a new one for me but l suppose it is the first step towards taking steps to confronting them head on, something l never did before, when l remained in that childlike state of blissfull ignorance and dependency. l am having to stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life and the enormity of it all is pretty scarey.lf this is what “recovery” is, is it such a good thing? l lived in a safety net before my therapy and l am under no illusions that the journey ahead is going to be a rocky one. lt’s as if l have reached a point of no return now and can’t go back to my former self, even if l want to. l accept that l have a disorder and l know that is the first step to recovery, but the world of adults an normality seems to be a very scarey place to be.
Does anyone understand where l am coming from?
It sort of reminds me of the movie The Matrix, where the general population lives in ignorant bliss, an imaginary world created by artificial intelligence. In stark contrast, the real world is a harsh post-apocalyptic landscape, where people can bleed and feel pain. There is one scene where the Judas-like character is eating a steak. And even though he knows the steak isn’t real, he savors the bite. He agrees to betray his friends, just so he can return to a state of ignorant bliss.
A borderline too will betray his/her lover to return to a state of ignorant bliss. There was a time when I thought my borderline ex had crossed over into self-awareness with me. I was looking forward to her recovery and willing to stand by her in the process. I truly believed that she would keep her promise to work on herself. But in the end, the reality of borderline personality disorder was too much to bear.
So she detached herself from the emotional bond we had worked so hard to establish. She demonized me to justify her betrayal. I went from being the Chosen One to being Satan himself. A borderline in denial can actually be very self-righteous about stabbing someone in the back. My only crime- I had lead her into reality, and it was too much for her. So she betrayed me and ran back into her imaginary world. In an instant, she turned from trusted lover to a ruthless Judas.
She has now found someone who she can live with in ignorant bliss, someone who lives in the Matrix. Someone who is willing to play along with the charade. Someone who won’t insist that she get help or examine herself. You see, she grew up in a family that lives in denial. This is her comfort zone.
Like the Judas character in the Matrix, she couldn’t care less if the world is real or not. Ignorance is bliss. But while the citizens of the Matrix are living in bliss, the evil forces of BPD are still at work. While you live in bliss, the real you is slowly decaying and the world around you is being destroyed. In reality, a borderline in denial is dying from the inside-out.
January 20, 2011
I have to admit I started writing about borderline personality disorder for selfish reasons. For me, it was a way to recover from an insane relationship. It was entirely self-indulgent. But every once in a while, I get a comment from a reader who has gone through the same exact harrowing experience. It sounds cheesy, but it really does warm my heart to know someone else has benefited from this blog.
These comments have encouraged me to continue telling my story because I know how good it feels to know you’re not alone. Being a survivor of a BP betrayal is a lonely experience. Not even your own friends or family can relate. I don’t blame them. It sounds like a made up story, made up by a bitter lover. It’s pretty convenient for you to say an ex-lover was crazy after they have broken your heart. But BPD is real, the evidence is irrefutable. The signs of BPD are unmistakable. And comments like these help confirm it:
From a reader named Anders:
I´m a guy from sweden. I read your story gasping for air. I´ve just gone throw EXACTLY the same thing, the same pain and frustration. She acted identically to your girl. Blocked me completely after saying “I have never loved anyone so much”. I have since learned that she has Borerline which explained many of her sides I had noticed. Hell on earth!
From a reader named Shane:
This small article may have saved my life,I am a non BPD and everything in this piece resonated with me
I have finally moved on from my relationship with a BPD,it amazes me how long it took to disengage,my rational mind was in constant conflict with my emotions and my desire to recapture something that was a mirage in the first place,what also amazes me is the consistency in the recounting of the progression of relationships with BPD partners,it’s almost as if my story was being disclosed,also it’s a lonely detachment,no one,unless they go through this type of relationship themselves could really grasp how much of a living nightmare it is, God save me from any interaction with this type of woman again
Completely Lost wrote:
I’m crying as I read the above posts. For months now I have sought answers as to why the person I gave everything I had to could try and destroy me and discard me like waste. My partner went from idolizing me to demonizing me in a matter of minutes. She convinced me I was a bad person. I could never do anything right. The harder I tried the more inadequate I was. It’s so hard to understand, everyone who knows me tells me what a good catch I am, strong loyal and successful and most importantly loving. She sucked me in with her sex and adoration only to toss me away. I have never seen anyone sabotage their relationship so badly. It got to the stage where I was scared to speak, for fear of het attacking me. I have compromised who I am and I have lashed out at her and said things I’m ashamed of.
I just wanted to say thanks for posting info about BPD. I came across your website while researching BPD. (I recently ended a very brief, intense relationship with someone whom I suspect has BPD – – she’s undiagnosed and obviously in denial).
Although I know that I did the right thing by leaving, I still have doubts, because the destructive behavior at the end of our relationship just doesn’t make any sense to me.
Our ‘honeymoon’ period/phase was amazing; after the brief honeymoon phase, things quickly deteriorated. My head is still spinning from the completely irrational accusations that were hurled at me on a weekly basis. I spent much of my time and energy trying to prove how much I loved her and that I was trustworthy. After feeling run-down, rejected and exhausted, I had to flee for good, to protect myself. Apparently, I couldn’t do anything “right” – – calling or texting at the “wrong” time, from my cell phone instead of my home phone (to her, calling from a cell phone meant you were cheating, I guess). She accused me of having affairs with friends and even doubted and dismissed any proof I provided to calm her down (yes, even phone records). That was enough to prove to me that I was in a no-win situation. She would continually need to irrationally “split” me black, anytime I got too close. It was becoming too painful for me, so I had no choice but to leave.
I feel silly and foolish for missing her, or missing what we shared in the beginning, which I (sadly) realize now was an illusion. That’s been the hardest thing for me to accept.
My ex hinted at and joked about having OCD, but I’m sure there’s a lot she kept hidden from me. Knowing about her OCD and possible ADHD is what lead me to info about BPD. When I came across the symptoms of BPD, is when I had my “lightbulb” moment – – it described her exact behavior.
Thanks again for the info you’re sharing. It really is helpful to people who are healing/getting over and trying to accept and make sense of why people with BPD can be so cruel and destructive.
In case you think I just get comments from Nons, here’s a comment from a borderline gal named Skye:
You’re absolutely right. The worst thing anyone can do, is not know. To not research. For years, I wasn’t aware of why I was behaving the way I was and to this day I still have difficulties with it. I had so much guilt for the shit I put one of my ex boyfriends through, it haunted me. It was on my mind from the moment I woke up. Finally, I got the courage to apologize. I don’t know if he took it sincerely or even took a moment to think about it, but it felt better.
Ah, I’m rambling. Anyways, I appreciate your input on it. I appreciate when people can discuss BP and give the opportunity to make people aware. It’s scary living with it. The constant guilt, the constant feeling of being alone, and the fact that out of any disorder, BP is the most likely to end in suicide, is quite terrifying.
But Skye is an exception to the rule. Rarely, do I hear about borderlines calling to apologize. Most borderlines won’t even admit that there’s anything wrong with them.
I suppose it’s a small consolation prize to know that you’re not alone. But a BPD relationship is so surreal, having another human being confirm your suspicions can actually feel pretty damn good. At least you know you weren’t imagining it all.
Will it erase the pain? No. But every little bit helps. So please keep the stories coming.
January 16, 2011
My borderline ex is obsessed with the glamorous life. One of the many things that was passed down from her mother, the one time model. Her fashion blogger idol is the Glamourai. She has copied everything- her blog, her look, and her life. This is typical of a borderline personality, especially one with histrionic traits. Their condition has left them without a sense of identity, so they adopt someone else’s.
When she was an angry youth, she went through a goth phase and a hip hop phase. But as an adult, she has learned to cover up her dark side with glamor. If you know anything about BPD, you know her life is anything but glamorous. It has been a life marked with turmoil and chaos. She is faking it for her audience and for herself. She wants you to believe her life is happy and fabulous because she doesn’t want you to see the sorrow. She doesn’t want to own up to all the horrible things she’s done. It’s easier for her to create an imaginary life in La La Land than to accept the truth.
Award season is upon us and it is easy for all of us to get caught up in the glamor. But let me remind you that life on the red carpet is not all it’s cracked up to be. La La Land attracts people with personality disorders because here they can re-invent themselves, start fresh. But this, like most things in Hollywood, is an act. It’s for the lights, the cameras and now the blogosphere/twittersphere.
An impressionable borderline like my ex is easily swept up in the glamor of Hollywood. She envies it and emulates it at the same time. She is a starry-eyed little girl trapped in a woman’s body. For her and many other high-functioning disordered people, glamor is a way to cover up the ugliness they feel inside.
In hindsight, some of these well-staged acts seem haunting now. Their train wreck lives have become fodder for gossip rags and the stuff of Hollywood legend. But let it be a reminder that mental illness, addictions and personality disorders can not and should not be ignored. Disordered people are very good at distracting the world and themselves. The people who need the most help are the least likely to seek help. They are too busy living the “glamorous” life.
But when you cover up pain, it grows. When an emotionally damaged person lives in denial, they not only loose touch with their pain, they loose touch with reality. They loose touch with the people they are hurting. This is when they are most likely to engage in outlandish, abusive and self-destructive behavior. These people are ticking time bombs. By the time the rest of the world catches on, it is usually too late.
January 15, 2011
The more I read about Vanishing Twin Syndrome, the more I believe it is the reason why these people show symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Imagine the sense of loss a survivor must feel when the other sibling is lost. This is all happening right as the mind is being formed:
There is a great deal of speculation about the psychological and emotional impact of Vanishing Twin Syndrome. Due to a deep longing for some undefined, missing part of themselves (it seems no mate can quite fulfill), single twins (survivors) may experience problems with:
…. relationships and/or even with their sexual identity
…. often suffer from unreasonable feelings of responsibility or guilt
…. may experience troubling, recurring dreams of their twin
…. fear of sleeping alone
…. fears of sudden loss or abandonment
…. profound loneliness
…. eating disorders
…. extreme emotional sensitivity
…. even schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder
Looking at this laundry list, it’s not hard to figure out why relationships seem impossible with someone like this. No partner could possibly be expected to fill this void. It’s not hard to figure out why they rush into commitments and why the fear of abandonment is so intense that it triggers a flight/fight response. And while they may blame their partners for triggering their insecurities, the truth is these are all primitive instincts forged before the twin survivors are even born.