You Can’t Handle the Truth
December 2, 2010
As I’ve said before, the difference between a borderline personality who has accepted their disorder and one who is in active denial is like night and day. The former is reading all they can about the disease, taking medication for their mood swings, and seeking the help of a specialist. And if they can’t do these things (esp. due to financial hardship) they are at least taking responsibility for their actions, mending broken relationships and taking ownership of their abusive ways. A BP in denial is a BP who is out of control and unwilling to take responsibility for the drama and chaos they have created in their life. They are a danger to themselves and others.
A BP in denial will fight to stay in the dark. The truth is literally too painful for them to handle. The truth triggers past trauma. The greater the trauma, the greater the pain and therefore the greater the denial. If you are a loved one who has tried to confront a BP with the truth, you will probably be demonized. In your mind, you are helping them see the light. In their mind, you are abusing them/attacking them. A BP in denial will call you all sorts of names: idiot, ignorant, crazy, etc. This is a BP projecting (this is what they are feeling inside). They mean to belittle you and discredit your opinion.
A BP in denial will push you away until you are no longer an emotional threat (distancing). No matter how loving your relationship might have been, this will all change once the BP has devalued your love for the sake of detaching themselves from you. The BP has cast themselves as the victim and you as the villain. A BP in denial will resort to all sorts of tricks to avoid the truth about themselves.
Ultimately, you will be banished, cut off, blocked out of a BP’s life. A BP in denial has worked long and hard to create an illusion of well-being. Confronting them with the truth dispels their lies and manipulations. You may have the best of intentions, but it is in a BP’s nature to misconstrue your intentions especially when they are on the defensive. You may have been their caretaker, their lover, their soul-mate but none of that matters once a BP has split you black. When you threaten to reveal the truth about a BP, you become a threat (perception is everything to a BP in denial)
After you’ve been ostracized, you might try to reach out to your estranged lover. You fool yourself into believing that if you can just get them to see how crazy their behavior is, they will cease to be hostile. But such efforts will only be met with more hostility. Crazy people don’t want to know they are crazy. So they try to convince people that you are the crazy one, crazy for telling the truth. Be forewarned: A BP in denial will do anything to suppress the truth. They will go so far as to accuse you of stalking them. They might even contact the police and accuse you of maliciously slandering them. Meanwhile a BP will go on to spread nasty rumors about you.
Believe it or not, this is the same person you fell in love with. But now you are seeing their true colors. You are seeing how desperate and cold-hearted a BP can be. You might be tempted to believe that this is just a temporary state of “hysteria”. But you need to accept the fact that this is who they really are. This is BPD at its worst. You might wax nostalgic about the good times you had. But creating good moments was part of a BP’s plan to pull you into their life. Never underestimate how sick a BP really is. If you do, it will be to your own detriment. BPD is a real mental disorder with severe consequences. Many lives and reputations have been ruined because of BPD.
Even if a BP promises you they will change or seek help, proceed with extreme caution. Grow eyes on the back of your head. Once you know the truth about a BP, they will find a way to stab you in the back (ie. relationship sabotage). They figure it is only a matter of time before you will leave them, so they find ways to beat you to the punch. They will find ways to betray you and your trust. Even if their eyes are filled with tears and what seems to be remorse, you will be surprised how easily a BP can break a promise to change. Eventually, they will resent you for making them change. They will resent the inequality in the relationship and they will punish you for it. A BP in denial is just buying time until they find another unwitting lover. Don’t be surprised if a BP starts spending more time with friends, especially those of the opposite sex. A BP that has been exposed is likely to court infidelity.
Whatever your lover was to you in the past was an illusion. BPs are masters of illusion. They have spent their whole life convincing people they are “normal”. You have been bamboozled. But don’t feel bad, you were not the first and you will not be the last. Once a BP in denial realizes the jig is up, they pack up and skip out of town like some kind of snake-oil salesman. Don’t expect any sentimental good-byes. A BP can flip on you at a moments notice. Don’t be surprised at how quickly their heart turns cold. A BP’s “love” is shallow. It’s just for appearances. Don’t try to convince them to work on things, they are too busy moving onto the next victim.
You know too much about them and that makes you a threat. The best you can do is hope that someday they will realize the error of their ways. But don’t hold your breath. Denial is strong in a BP. And most BPs have a support system of enablers. Don’t expect their family to intervene. BPD runs in the family and so does denial.
The best you can do is learn your lesson. A BP’s lesson is a brutal one. Recognize that you might have a pattern of choosing emotionally-damaged partners. Learn to be more selective. You can encourage BPs to get help, but ultimately that is their decision. You can not pull a BP out of denial. Until they learn to deal with the truth, they will continue down a path of lies and manipulations. And you are much much better off, not being a part of it.