I Too Am a Survivor

November 18, 2010

This video infuriated me. It made me sick to my stomach because my abuser was a survivor as well. She was also a Borderline Personality. She was pretty and sweet in public. But on any given day, she could be the meanest person you’ve ever met. Behind closed doors she subjected me to temper tantrums, nasty insults and infidelity. She was brutal. She was abusive. Yes, those who have been abused can be very abusive. Those who have been victimized often victimize others in return. But instead of punishing the person who assaulted them, they punish those who love them and care for them.

And if you doubt that this qualifies as abuse read about Skye and her borderline mother. See how it has reduced her self-esteem to nothing. See how it has driven her to thoughts of suicide. See how it has affected her and then tell me this is not abuse. Sexual assault is a crime, but being emotionally scarred by a borderline hardly lifts an eyebrow. Emotional abuse doesn’t leave obvious wounds. And that is why borderlines get away with their abuse. They, themselves, may not even acknowledge the abuse. Denial gives them that luxury.

The young woman who abused and betrayed me was also a feminist, and an advocate for survivor’s rights. She was molested and raped. But she never reported the crimes (or alleged crimes). Perhaps, because the circumstances behind the crimes were sketchy at best. With borderlines, you never know if the stories are real or imagined. When a borderline has a history of blacking out after a night of drinking, details don’t come easy.

But let’s say her allegations were true. And she was raped and molested. Was allowing the perpetrators to roam free, her way of making sure that other women don’t ever have to say “they survived”? Despite, these horrific circumstances, her parents never encouraged her to get therapy. It wasn’t until I threatened to walk out that she agreed to a few therapy sessions. But after 3 sessions, she and her feminist therapist decided she had all the skills necessary to deal with her trauma. Three session to cure the trauma of rape and molestation. That must have been a miraculous three sessions. Of course, she continued her abusive behavior. She continued her heavy drinking. And after she split me black, she became even more abusive than I could ever imagine. This is when the smear campaign and the false accusations began. Was this the woman I fell in love with? Was this the woman who spoke out against victimization?

Of course, feminist organizations like Ms Magazine will never talk about the abuse committed by rape survivors or abuse committed by women. I’m sure you can guess why. That would take away from the message of empowering women. But the fact is women can be abusive. If you’ve ever seen the movie, Precious, you’ve seen what this abuse looks like. It is no less traumatic than the abuse committed by a man. If you were to interview men in prison, I’m sure many could tell stories of borderline mothers. My abuse wasn’t quite that bad, but it was abuse nevertheless. The cycle of abuse needs to stop somewhere. No amount of abuse should be tolerated, from either sex. And those who would commit abuse need to be held accountable. Yes, even survivors.

One Response to “I Too Am a Survivor”

  1. Laura said

    All those “horrible men” were probably raised by women…

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