Welcome To The Darkside

July 22, 2010

My Borderline Personality Disorder series continues. BPD is sometimes referred to as the Relationship Disorder because that’s where it usually manifests itself. In this post, I’m  going to talk about the phenomenon known as “splitting black” or as I like to call it, turning to the Darkside.

BPs tend to view people as all good or all evil, and nothing in between.  But they can even turn on a person they once loved. After a period of seeing only good in that person, they “split black” and suddenly hate the person for no particular reason. It is an irrational hatred. And nothing the other person can do or say will change the mind of the BP. Any loving memory will become null and void. This is what is called devaluation.

Usually this happens when BPs become insecure and start to fear rejection and abandonment. Perhaps their partner does something that sends up a red flag or hurts them in some way. Which is not hard to do as BPs are ridiculously sensitive and can be extremely vengeful.

As part of their defense mechanism, they subconsciously push their partner away before they are rejected. This puts them in a position of power. But ironically, it also makes them angry at the partner they pushed away. Because when their partner finally drifts away, they perceive it as confirmation of rejection. Sound complicated? Imagine how confused the partner feels.

At this point, BPs will do anything to sabotage a relationship that threatens heartbreak. They often regress to childish and selfish behavior, lashing out with hurtful words and vengeful acts. They begin hiding their feelings and looking for “intimacy” elsewhere. Sometimes they will even lie and cheat. Worse yet, they will project these undesirable behaviors onto their partner, accusing them of being untrustworthy. They will throw this onto a long list of reasons to shut their partners out. This becomes part of their smear campaign. A BP has to work hard to justify this level of hatred.

To say the BP becomes unsympathetic to their partner is an understatement. If they are desperate enough to escape they will become downright mean and nasty. A BP may not know why they are being hostile to a loved one, but does it because it is instinctual. Like a cat that pops its claws when it feels cornered.

How long this black period lasts varies. It depends on a lot of factors: How insecure the BP feels, how intimate they have been, how aware the BP is of his/her own condition, how motivated the BP is to change, and many more.

For most BPs, splitting is a signal to jump ship and look for the allusive “one”. Not realizing they need to change themselves before they can find true love.  BPs can bounce from one lover to another without missing a heartbeat. They fear being alone so much they will sometimes look for replacements before their current relationship is even over. Using new relationships as a crutch and an emotional band-aid prevents them from ever having to get better. They don’t have to. If a relationship fails, they just move onto the next one.

Forum thread involving female BP splitting black.

Forum thread involving male BP.

Splitting Black

Comprehensive BPD overview, including common characteristics and traits.

Why you can’t be friends after a BP breaks up with you.

Support network for men abused by BP.

More info on BPD, including splitting.

7 Responses to “Welcome To The Darkside”

  1. savorydish said

    Dear GoatLover,

    Thank you for illustrating the misplaced anger often associated BPD. When you are ready to debate a topic intelligently, your comments will be posted. Until then, you may want to explore the real source of your rage. And examine your unhealthy obsession with goats.

  2. […] only got worse when my ex split me black. Much worse. An untreated survivor can snap at any moment. You are putting yourself at emotional […]

  3. […] Splitting Black. Welcome to the Darkside. […]

  4. John David said

    just a quick question..all the behaviors and words of my ex are looking BPD..am I correct in thinking the last sign was perhaps one of the biggest red flags? After I sent her a very friendly, neutral text back on August 8, along the lines of ‘Hey, how are you? Hope your day’s going great,’ she ignored me, no text back, no call, until the evening of August 17. It seemed to be such extreme abandonment. Then, I’m guessing she had me painted ‘white’ again, which triggered her to text me. In addition, I think there were some NPD characteristics evident. Can a woman be BPD and NPD? By the way, thanks savorydish for your reply to my recent post.

    • savorydish said

      Hey JD,
      I have read that BPs can split you “white”. But in my own experience, once a BP splits you black, that’s it. Once they have identified you as a flight risk, it then becomes their prime directive to abandon you before you abandon them.

      Be vary suspicious of a borderline once they have split you black. Whatever impression you have that they are making the peace is a hoax. They are playing you like a yo-yo. They are using you to quell feelings of loneliness. They are saying things to you in hopes of dangling you along, until they can find someone to replace you. Someone who has stronger co-dependency traits. Make sense?

      Yes, BPD and NPD can be co-morbid, especially if the woman fits the femme-fatale profile. NPD is a sign that the BP has evolved from a self-destructive personality to person who hurts others. They use charisma and charm to lure you into their vortex. Of all BPs, the BPD/NPD woman is the most dangerous. RUN.

      Don’t hope for recovery, because this is a woman who has fooled herself into believing everybody else is the problem. She will play the professional victim until her last dying breath.

  5. Fred 2016 said

    When mine split me Black it was incredible! While there was no way I would have abandoned her, once she got it into her head things were not well between us rather than talk she started going off with a man she had cheated on me with previously. This being the third time, it was over and clearly of her choosing. Understanding her better than she understands herself I was there for her when he again let her down but this time I would not have her back unless she went for help and she refuses to do so. The way she treats me you would think she found me in bed with her Mother & her Sister! She could not be more sarcastic if she tried & angrily turns down any offer of help – she even called me controlling for offering her a lift when we were heading to the same place. Everyone notices how nasty she is towards me, it is that obvious. I am sure she is consciously trying to drive me away due to the shame she feels. Even though I understand her illness and her reasons for painting me black I still find it hard to not take her treatment of me personally. I do however know it is impossible to help someone with BPD who won’t go for help and her treatment of me now helps me to detach from her with love – from my side anyway.

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