Love Me. Love Me Not: The Joys of Borderline Personality Disorder.

July 19, 2010

The following excerpt was written by a woman describing her Borderline Personality Disorder and how it has affected her relationships:

I know there are a lot of things a BPD does that make someone not familiar with the disorder bang their head on a wall and scream, “Why!?”  And one of those things is something I do pretty much instinctively.  It’s something that makes no logical sense.  It’s wanting to be close to someone so badly one moment, and the next moment, pushing away. And it’s something a lot of Borderlines do.  Get close only to run away.

She’s one of the lucky ones. Many people with this condition don’t even know they have it. Instead they go through the ups and downs of BPD, not knowing if they are crazy or if they are just unlucky in love. Still others live in firm denial, thinking they just pick all the wrong people to love.

Mind you, this is not your run of the mill fear of intimacy. This is full blown “get out of my way, I need out of this relationship now”. This is one minute putting your lover on a pedestal and then the next minute casting them down to the depths of hell. This is being unable to control your rage. This is a condition characterized by instability.

BPs are some of the most talented and intelligent people, but behind the scenes they can struggle with deep depression and feelings of self-loathing. They can be the most charming and outgoing person you know, but inside they are hiding a deep fear of rejection.

People who are seduced into relationships with BPs, quickly realize that something is not quite right. They find themselves walking on eggshells all the time. Never knowing when their otherwise happy lover is going to flip out. And when the relationship ends, it’s usually the BP who catches them off guard like a hit and run driver. And then makes their partners feel like it was all their fault. This is the joy of loving a person with BPD.

If this sounds all too familiar then it’s possible you either suffer from BPD, or you have been in a relationship with a BP. As you read more and more about BPD, it is almost as if someone is recounting your own story. While BPD is unpredictable in some ways, it can be very predictable in others. It’s as if every person with BPD is following the same script.

But you can’t be certain that you have BPD, unless you are diagnosed by a professional. BPD is a serious disease that requires serious therapy. It’s not something you can work on “in your own way”. You can’t just runaway from BPD, like you run away from relationships. It haunts you where ever you go. And causes harm to all those who choose to love you. Sooner or later, you have to stop running and deal with reality.

Below is some more info on BPD:

Another personal account with more in-depth info.

Wikipedia on BPD with description of idealization and devaluation of relationships.

A Breakdown of BPD relationships into 3 stages : Seducer, Clinger, and Hater.

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