April 3, 2016
I rarely use this blog to talk about politics. But one can not watch the media circus surrounding a certain GOP candidate and not notice the redflags of NPD. The narcissist isn’t that much different than a borderline. Comorbidity between the two is not rare. Dig into the narcissist’s past and you will find childhood wounds and plenty of chaos. A quick Google will reveal that this particular candidates’s brother died of alcoholism at a young age. And where you find alcoholism, you will find childhood wounds and plenty of chaos.
You don’t need to be a psychologist to see the signs that are there for the whole world to see. And while I fear for the future of this nation, it is an opportunity to point out the dangers of untreated personality disorders. The attention whore feeds off attention, they crave it like we crave food. The narcissist can be a charismatic leader, but one that leads his followers/enablers to destruction. See Nazi Germany, Jonestown and Waco, Texas. Those born of pain are damned to spread that pain like a disease. Their rise is as quick as their fall.
Attention whores are master manipulators. They employ melodrama to manipulate people. By manipulating popular opinion… By creating a false public image… They are able to avoid detection.
We live in a society where attention whores command a great deal of attention, thanks in large part to the rise of social media. We’ve become a global society of enablers, looking for hope in false gods. We’ve lost our way. So much so, we follow blindly. We look for outward expressions of success, but fail to see what is behind the emerald curtain.
If you point out a narcissist’s pathology, they will play the victim and claim you are delusional… Crazy. They will threaten you with lawsuits and foam at the mouth. They will unleash toxic emotions upon you, stored up since birth. They will unleash their minions upon you… Legions of crazy people doing their dirty work.
February 14, 2016
Believe it or not, this started off as a food blog. But after my traumatic experience with my BPD ex, it quickly turned into an exploration for answers. My eyes have been opened and with each troubled woman I come into contact with, I become more aware of the disorder that has affected many.
That funny cat video above is a good metaphor for what it’s like to be in a relationship that starts off with extreme affection and then takes a sudden turn. You know you are with an emotionally unstable soul when unconditional love turns into inexplicable hostility.
This is a woman who has a fully-charged payload. Explosive reactions are often triggered by memories of her troubled past. You remind her of someone that she use to know and she means to take revenge against those who caused her so much pain.
These women are walking atomic bombs. Do not be fooled by the cuddling and the spooning. At any moment, that turns into backstabbing… a hit and run. Daddy’s little girl was spoiled with affection. But that affection took a dark turn. What that turn may have been is locked away in the attic of her mind… in some dark corner of her heart.
I owe some thanks to my BPD ex. There were troubled women before her and, sadly, after her. But she was the one that helped me fill in the blank. I am finally able to see the pattern of behavior that connects one relationship with another. I can now explain what seems quite puzzling to anyone who has experienced this sudden and dramatic shift from love to hate.
I have even found others with identical experiences. And that has had its own healing effect. Because the biggest scar these vampires leave is the wound of making you think it was somehow your fault. So if you are wondering why the woman, who showered you with so much affection, is now clawing your face and blocking all contact, you will know why. Knowing why is the first step of the healing process. It’s your consolation prize. It won’t feel like it at first, but knowing why helps you learn why you make the choices you do. It helps connect the dots and helps you figure out your own past.
January 26, 2016
The link above is a news story about the Taco Bell exec that attacked an Uber driver. Little did he know that he was being captured on video. That video would be seen by millions. In the interview above, we see him crying crocodile tears saying how sorry he is. But in the same breath, he tells us, “That’s not me.” Before you fall for his sobbing act, you should know that he is now suing the driver for filming him without his consent. Sorry, not sorry.
This guy is obviously a sociopath/psychopath. But his behavior reminds me of my toxic exes. A toxic person causes harm but rarely apologizes. And on the rare occasion when they do, it is insincere and manipulative. I know, in this guy’s mind, he has justified beating the crap out of that Uber driver. I know that because I know how these two-faced people operate- In public, they are full of tears. In private, they reveal a devilish grin.
It should not surprise you that this asshole is a raging alcoholic. Alcoholism and personality disorders go hand in hand. Assholes and alcohol abuse go hand in hand. All my toxic exes had some ties to alcoholism. This tie between alcohol and PDs spans generations. Alcohol helps them forget the pain they’ve caused.
When he says, “That’s not me,” he is detaching himself from the act of harming someone… compartmentalizing the experience so he no longer feels responsible. I have seen this over and over again.
When my shady exes ran away, they were doing exactly what this Uber exec is doing- detaching themselves. They don’t realize that they are both Dr. Jekyll AND Mr. Hyde.
These toxic people come from families where sweeping things under the rug is a family tradition. I know this because they tried to sweep me under the rug.
His lawsuit is as bogus as my toxic exes blaming me for the utter destruction of the relationship. They are denying all wrongdoing because that is how toxic people operate- They hit and run, making you believe that you deserved it.
These people are not only cruel and callous, they have the nerve to play the victim after harming someone.
If we let him, he will go back to his old self. He must hit rock bottom before he realizes he is the creator of all his pain. When a toxic person goes unchecked, they continue their bad behavior. After my toxic exes nuked everything, they ran off and found the next sucker. Those who play victim always seek out their next victim. This is how the cycle of pain perpetuates itself.
December 28, 2015
Stephanie Hallett believes celebrities will save feminism or, as she calls it, the “f-word”. She writes that feminists have been unfairly characterized as angry man-haters. But her hope is that celebrity feminists can bring back that shiny glow.
Ms. Hallett has spent much of her feminist career portraying/treating men as pigs and rapists. Yet she can’t figure out why people think she is an angry man-hater. She associates with people who have unresolved anger/untreated trauma, and she can’t understand why people think feminists are emotionally unstable.
I hate to break it her, but Beyoncé and Taylor Swift will not save feminism. Narcissists, who have made it their career to present a very public image, will not save feminism. Self-serving “journalists”, with hidden agendas, will also not save feminism.
What will save the image of feminists is ridding feminism of emotionally-damaged women… women who use the moniker of feminist to legitimize their hatred of men and to cover it with the sheen of pseudo-intellectualism. Their brand of feminism is the delusions of a self-proclaimed warrior for social justice. It is nothing short of delusions of grandeur.
Stephanie Hallett needs to own up to her own contribution to this image of angry feminists, instead of trying to cover it up with glitz and glamor. This is not a PR problem. The solution that is needed requires people like Stephanie Hallett, Andrea Rae and my ACOA-ex to take a long hard look at themselves and do the work that is needed to address their man-hating mindset.
Feminists, like Stepahinie Hallett, look for superficial solutions because they are afraid to look inward. Because looking inward means looking back at their past and the ugliness it contains. These angry women are ashamed of their behavior… behavior that has spanned generations. They are afraid to admit that causing emotional harm is in their DNA.
These hateful women are not victims of misunderstanding. People who understand personality disorders understand these man-haters better than they understand themselves. As long as angry man-haters call themselves feminists, feminism will always have the stigma of being an F-word.
September 16, 2015
Dita Kelly had this to say about this blog:
Having read most of the postings on here it seems its mostly from bitter ex’s who really know nothing about BPD at all.Once apon a time people call homosexuals ‘monsters’ and ‘avoided’ black people.Our society has developed to no longer tolerate discrimination on these issues and yet this site seems to outwardly encourage discrimination on the grounds of mental illness. Shame on you, educate yourselves more and don’t use your bitterness about a failed relationship to promote stigma and discrimination. Stop regurgitating your hurt out about the fact your relationship didn’t work out, make your peace with it and move on to new love.
I have a hard time taking advocates for mental illness seriously. Mostly, because they’re mentally ill. But also because most of what they spew is defensive garbage that merely seeks to shift blame and cover up the fact that they are the reason why mental illness has such a stigma. They also hide behind accusations of discrimination.
Dita points out that I am bitter, but doesn’t bother to ask why I am bitter. Instead, she assumes that I was bitter at birth, thus releasing her kind from any responsibility. She tells me to find a new love. But she doesn’t realize that with each new love, I meet another mentally-ill woman who doesn’t want to accept responsibility for her condition. She doesn’t appreciate the fact that people, like me, have tried to love people like her.
Dita compares herself to homosexuals and black people in order to garner sympathy and stoke the fires of indignation. But where have we seen this manipulative act before? Yes, followers of this blog have often witnessed toxic women compare themselves to Jews being sent to the gas chamber and compare critics to Hitler and rapists. If nothing else, the mentally ill have a flair for melodrama.
According to Dita, I know nothing about BPD. So apparently, all the facts I have provided have been manufactured by psychologists with a secret agenda. So I invite Dita to share information that she feels like we have missed. Could it be that we have misjudged her kind? Or is this how toxic women work to cover up their toxic history?
Notice how she spreads her shame. This is a toxic woman who is accustomed to dumping the shame she feels onto unsuspecting men and then telling them to “move the fuck on”. It never occurs to her that she leaves a trail of bitterness behind her. It never occurs to her that mental illness might be a legitemate reason why some relationships don’t work out.
She claims I am ignorant. But she ignores the fact that I have been dating toxic women my whole adult life. I know these women better than they know themselves. I shared Dita’s comments because I want people to see how these women LOVE to play the victim. But you can’t be the victim if you continue to victimize others.
August 22, 2015
I had a pleasant exchange with one of my exes today. No, not one of the crazy ones. Pikro would have you believe all my relationships were toxic. But that simply isn’t true. I still keep in touch with a couple. This particular one is married with kids now and I couldn’t be happier for her. I met her when I was in a long distance relationship with Andrea Rae. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong woman. I chose the one with man-hating issues.
But I have no regrets. I’m glad she is happily married. I don’t know if I could have offered her that (at the time). And I let her go because I knew that. Because she was such a decent person, I wanted her to be with someone who could give her all that she wanted. It was the most unselfish thing I’ve ever done. We drifted apart but she would continue to call me to see how I was doing.
Time passed. But one day, I saw her on Facebook and I decided to send her a friend request. There was no hostility, awkwardness or resentment. There was no bizarre accusations or threats of calling the police. She accepted my request and we caught up. It was refreshingly normal and mature. I knew part of her was hurt that I didn’t feel the same way about her as she did about me. But she didn’t hold that grudge against me.
There was no drama about who broke up with whom. There was no absurd suggestions that I was having a hard time letting go or trying to get her back. I was reaching out to someone I shared intimacy with. And she was happy to share her life with me again. We may not be the best of friends, but she remains friendly. Every now and then, she comments on my posts and vice versa.
I wish I could have this ending for all my relationships. But not all the women I dated were as normal as this one. Although, she was not without her own issues. She was one of the first to admit to me that her father was an alcoholic. You could tell it affected her negatively, but somehow she got her shit together. She became a better person. We shared an interest in self-improvement books and I could see that she had done the hard work it takes to get to where she is.
Despite her past, she was not a man-hater and that is why she is happily married. That is why we stayed friends.
August 9, 2015
I ran across a NY Times article on “ghosting” that claims Charlize Theron ghosted Sean Penn. I don’t usuallly concern myself with celebrity gossip, but this story resonated with me. Ghosting is what happens when a significant other disappears from your life, blocking you from all contact:
Many of those who have ghosted are contrite, citing their own fear, insecurity and immaturity. Jenny Mollen, 36, an actress, avid Twitter user and the author of “I Like You Just the Way I Am,” a collection of essays, had been dating a man for three months when she told him her grandmother died, and froze him out of her life.
Her grandmother had died — months earlier. “He came to my house one night banging on my door, and I pretended I wasn’t there,” Ms. Mollen said. “I didn’t know how else to extricate from relationships. It was me being young and not knowing how to disappoint.” She theorized that people who fade away do so out of a desperate need to be loved, even after a breakup. “If you disappear completely, you never have to deal with knowing someone is mad at you and being the bad guy,” she said.
Joe Stahl, 25, a shopper for Instacart, a grocery-delivery service, had been with his former boyfriend for nearly a year when a painful argument erupted between them. “I knew that there were things that I couldn’t fix about myself that were making him angry,” Mr. Stahl said. “I felt like I was powerless and ashamed that I couldn’t be this person I wanted to be for him, which is why I deserted.”
Mr. Stahl had already been contemplating a move from New York City to Boston, and the fight spurred him to finally leave. He cut off contact, blocking his former boyfriend on his phone and unfollowing him on social media.
For those of you who have experienced this bewildering moment, this provides some answers and insight. At the core of this behavior is extreme insecurity and immaturity. Running away from a relationship is like abandoning a child when you realize you can’t take care of it.
To say this is an act of irresponsibility is an understatement. The well-documented trauma, that results from such a seemingly benign act, confirms its abusive nature. There is also a good deal of self-hatred involved. This is a person who lacks the ability to handle intimacy, a person who avoids rejection and abandonment by initiating the act of rejection and abandonment. This person is (passive-aggressively) lashing out at you for perceived rejection.
It should not surprise you to find out that movie stars also deal with relationship runaways. Most of the actors I’ve encountered are extremely insecure. They spend their whole lives creating an outward persona to mask their insecurities. Relationship runaways are also actors. They like to post photos of themselves in happy relationships, madly in love. But this is an act, meant to fool the public.
Behind the hype and the romantic photos, it is a very different story. The actor struggles to keep up the act throughout the span of the relationship, fighting insecurity and the fear of abandonment at every moment. This is a hard act to keep up. When the mask finally slips off, it’s like being caught naked. Their instant reaction is to run away with shame.
Critics, like Pikro, think that shame comes from this blog. But he doesn’t realize that shame has been with the runaway since childhood. Pikro too will have to learn the hard way. Right now, he’s too busy taking romantic photos and playing the white knight. Most likely, a damsel-in-distress has pulled the wool over his eyes. A master manipulator is hard at work.
Running away and blocking your phone number is the least of your worries. Rare is the case where the runaway admits to her shame and insecurities. If you’re dealing with a real asshole, she will blame you for everything. She will demonize you, project her shame onto you, destroy every good memory you had with her. That is her toxic side finally revealing itself as she hits and runs.
If you think this is where the story ends, then you give the runaway too much credit. This is not a responsible adult who realizes that she is the source of her own shame or that she is perpetuating the shame that plagued her childhood. This is a damaged child masquerading as an adult. She will move onto her next victim. She will put her mask back on as if nothing ever happened. And she will continue this act over and over again because her selfishness knows no bounds.
July 20, 2015
A recent visitor by the name of Pikro had some words to share with me. He was concerned about the women being shamed in this blog. He didn’t like the way I analyzed people and then he proceeded to analyze me. It seems odd to me that someone, who has a problem with shaming one set of people, has no problem shaming someone else.
I’ve had white knights come here before offering their “concern”. These enablers almost always fit the same profile. They are so concerned about protecting the good name of toxic women. But yet they have no concern for those affected by such toxicity.
An enabler is motivated by ego. It makes them feel good to be the protector. They like feeling morally superior because it flatters their ego. Some consider themselves activists. They travel in circles where they know there are women to be saved. Pikro admits to having friends who share the toxic qualities described in this blog. No doubt he may know someone I have dated or someone just like her.
If he really wanted to save these women, he would be out crusading to get these women the help they need. He would understand that the shame, that these women feel, doesn’t necessarily come from this blog. It comes from the way they’ve treated loved ones. But enablers never see that. They don’t feel comfortable placing blame on toxic women. It feels like victimization. They have been conditioned to buy the damsel-in-distress narrative.
He claims this blog isn’t normal. No it’s not. Such relationships are very abnormal. And people talking about such relationships is even more rare because people like Pikro attempt to shame them for doing so.
Awareness is never a bad thing. But certain people have an interest in keeping such things under wraps.
You better believe my exes are doing their best to keep their illness a secret. If you think they are freely giving out full disclosures to all the men they bring to bed, think again. My BPD ex sent friends and family to silence me. And when they failed, she sent an army of psychotic activists. They all failed to shame me and they failed to realize that, even if this blog did not exist, the truth would still be out there.
With each man, my exes have fooled into thinking they are normal, more witnesses are added to the list. My BPD ex married a man who was my biggest critic. He now knows the truth. He had to learn the hard way. Science and testimonies of the fallen back up what enablers seek to keep silent. It’s in Pikro’s best interest to maintain the narrative that allows him to keep playing the white knight. But it’s in everyone’s interest to know the story of toxic women.
June 9, 2015
Man-Haters are almost always attention-seekers. This may include behavior as benign as obsessing about their appearance, bragging about all the places they’ve traveled, or flirting with everyone and anyone. But it can be as alarming as false-accusations and split-personalities. It can be as public as posing as a high-profile feminist activist. Or it can be as private as texting you at all hours just to check up on you. They seek attention because it soothes their low self-esteem and fears of abandonment.
If you don’t give them 110% of your attention, they use that as an excuse to demonize you.They will go so far as accusing you of emotional abuse, then they will block your number and run away. The more melodrama, the better for this drama queen. Let this be a clear indication of how severe their pathologly can be.
To most of the population, they can appear to be somewhat normal. Intimacy changes all that. It is the trigger that brings out the devil and the pitchfork. She will stab you over and over again in the back until you know how much pain she feels. This is more than just a case of narcissism. This is someone who punishes people for perceived rejection and then pretends she is rejecting you.
The same woman who demanded all your attention, will suddenly accuse you of stalking her or worse. This 180 behavior seems crazy because it is. Literally. But it is so common amongst this type of femme fatale. A woman who feels this low intends to drag you down with her. Making accusations like this makes her feel special while distancing herself from you. Playing the victim is textbook attention-seeking behavior, the trademark of a damaged soul.
Below is an old post on this topic:
May 26, 2015
Comparison of BPD (borderline personality disorder) with ACOA (adult children of alcoholics)
The following statements taken from the following 3 books shows the similarities between BPD and ACOA.
Children of Alcoholism, A Survivor’s Manual by Judith S. Seizes and Geraldine Youcha, Crown Publishers, NY 1985 AC
Borderline Personality Disorders, the Concept, the Syndrome and the patient by Peter Hartocollis, MD, Ph.D.; International Universities Press, Inc. 1977 PH
Borderline Personality Disorder by Dr. John G. Gunderson, American Psychiatric Press JG
AC pg. 60: There are three kinds of control involved: the control other people have over them; the control they have over people and events; and the control they exert over their own bodies and minds.
JG pg. 88: …these acts are used to sustain a belief in the ability to exert omnipotent control over an object as well as to prevent the consequences of object loss.
AC pg. 80 Any switch – a rained out picnic or a canceled appointment … will bring on hours of internal despair because these events are experienced as reenactments of scenes from a helpless childhood.
JG pg. 80: Borderline patients had much more separation, abandonment anxiety, object hunger and intolerant responses to feeling needy or angry.
AC pg. 49: …sexual identity problems…and may become an overeater.
JG pg. 9: Sexual deviance is highly related to impulsivity…
AC pg. 80: …confuse physical contact or sexual involvement with emotional warmth. They therefore become promiscuous, but with little satisfaction from the sexual wanderings.
I see this apparent more in Histrionic Personality Disorder, but histrionic 65% of Histrionic is BPD
AC pg. 63: … to see the world and the people in it fairy-tale fashion as all good or all bad.
JG pg. 179: The polarizations (good/bad, all/nothing, now/never) within borderline patients repeatedly evoke polarized responses from their environment.
AC pg. 79: It does seem to be extraordinary for children of alcoholics to make long-term commitments, marriage included.
JG pg. 4: Devaluation, manipulation, dependency and masochism characterize and cause the intensity and instability of interpersonal relationships.
AC: Wish for closeness, yet fear it.
JG pg. 33: Two major organization and sustaining beliefs are: “Should I want more from you, or should I be angry at you, you will leave: and if I’m compliant, something will be given to me that will make me invulnerable and less destructive.”
Behind these conscious beliefs are concerns with the destructiveness of their own aggressive wishes to find a powerful protector. In any event, the basic tension between wanting more from the object and fearing that less will be received accounts for the sustained dysphoric characteristic of borderline functioning.
DEPENDENCE ON OTHERS
AC pg. 80: there are those who can’t tolerate being alone and therefore cling to friends, relatives, and just about anyone who happens to be around.
JG pg. 8: Borderline persons tend to be compulsively social because their sense of their own coherence and value depends on the presence of others.
JG pg. 97: …desperate to find someone, anyone, to “hold onto,” someone to feel in control of…
JG pg. 36: …is evident in the need to have people around — even if without any evident emotional contact, in using radio and television as hypnotics, or in heavy use of transitional objects.
DISSOCIATION – ANGER – DEPRESSION
AC pg. 170: …feelings of depression, uncontrollable anger, and incapacitating fears of disorientation.
JG pg. 9: In general, the occurrence of any mild or brief ego-dystonic psychotic-like experiences in the absence of severe, widespread psychotic symptoms at any time in the patient’s past life is a strong indicator for the borderline diagnosis.
JG pg. 3: …four characteristics identify what they called the “borderline syndrome.” These were (a) failures in self-identity, (b) anaclitic relationships, (c) a type of depression based on loneliness, and (d) the predominance of expressed anger.
JG pg. 86: …the depressions of borderline patients differed from other patients with depression by their impulses to hurt themselves.
JG pg. 16: Probably the most common form of affective disorder found in borderline patients is unipolar nonmelancholic depression.
JG pg. 103: …manipulative behaviors are often indirect expressions of anger…
LOW SELF ESTEEM
AC Have a low opinion of yourself
PH: They feel low, inadequate, or wrong.
AC pg. 49: …most likely to kill himself, either accidentally or on purpose.
AC pg. 169: “Most people, when their car breaks down on the highway, either get out and fix it or call a mechanic. When my car had a flat tire, I called the suicide hot line.”
JG pg. 85: …suicide gestures emerge as one of the major discriminating characteristics of borderline patients…
JG pg. 86: Almost all the patients were involved in suicide threats, overdosing or self-mutilation.
FEAR OF EXPOSURE
AC: deny or suppress feelings
AC: feel unnecessarily embarrasses and ashamed
JG pg. 169: …may cling to a pharmacotherapist because of a fearful reluctance to open their personal and interpersonal lives up for review.