Man-Haters are almost always attention-seekers. This may include behavior as benign as obsessing about their appearance, bragging about all the places they’ve traveled, or flirting with everyone and anyone. But it can be as alarming as false-accusations and split-personalities. It can be as public as posing as a high-profile feminist activist. Or it can be as private as texting you at all hours just to check up on you. They seek attention because it soothes their low self-esteem and fears of abandonment. 

If you don’t give them 110% of your attention, they use that as an excuse to demonize you.They will go so far as accusing you of emotional abuse, then they will block your number and run away. The more melodrama, the better for this drama queen. Let this be a clear indication of how severe their pathologly can be. 

To most of the population, they can appear to be somewhat normal. Intimacy changes all that. It is the trigger that brings out the devil and the pitchfork. She will stab you over and over again in the back until you know how much pain she feels. This is more than just a case of narcissism. This is someone who punishes people for perceived rejection and then pretends she is rejecting you. 

The same woman who demanded all your attention, will suddenly accuse you of stalking her or worse. This 180 behavior seems crazy because it is. Literally. But it is so common amongst this type of femme fatale. A woman who feels this low intends to drag you down with her. Making accusations like this makes her feel special while distancing herself from you. Playing the victim is textbook attention-seeking behavior, the trademark of a damaged soul.

Below is an old post on this topic:

https://savorydish.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/attention-seeking-personality/

http://www.angelfire.com/fl/Sumter/Acoa.html

Comparison of BPD (borderline personality disorder) with ACOA (adult children of alcoholics)
The following statements taken from the following 3 books shows the similarities between BPD and ACOA.

Children of Alcoholism, A Survivor’s Manual by Judith S. Seizes and Geraldine Youcha, Crown Publishers, NY 1985 AC
Borderline Personality Disorders, the Concept, the Syndrome and the patient by Peter Hartocollis, MD, Ph.D.; International Universities Press, Inc. 1977 PH
Borderline Personality Disorder by Dr. John G. Gunderson, American Psychiatric Press JG 


CONTROL

AC pg. 60: There are three kinds of control involved: the control other people have over them; the control they have over people and events; and the control they exert over their own bodies and minds.

JG pg. 88: …these acts are used to sustain a belief in the ability to exert omnipotent control over an object as well as to prevent the consequences of object loss.


ABANDONMENT

AC pg. 80 Any switch – a rained out picnic or a canceled appointment … will bring on hours of internal despair because these events are experienced as reenactments of scenes from a helpless childhood.

JG pg. 80: Borderline patients had much more separation, abandonment anxiety, object hunger and intolerant responses to feeling needy or angry.


SEXUAL PROBLEMS

AC pg. 49: …sexual identity problems…and may become an overeater.

JG pg. 9: Sexual deviance is highly related to impulsivity…

AC pg. 80: …confuse physical contact or sexual involvement with emotional warmth. They therefore become promiscuous, but with little satisfaction from the sexual wanderings.

I see this apparent more in Histrionic Personality Disorder, but histrionic 65% of Histrionic is BPD


BLACK/WHITE THINKING

AC pg. 63: … to see the world and the people in it fairy-tale fashion as all good or all bad.

JG pg. 179: The polarizations (good/bad, all/nothing, now/never) within borderline patients repeatedly evoke polarized responses from their environment.


PERSONAL COMMITMENTS

AC pg. 79: It does seem to be extraordinary for children of alcoholics to make long-term commitments, marriage included.

JG pg. 4: Devaluation, manipulation, dependency and masochism characterize and cause the intensity and instability of interpersonal relationships.


UNDEFINED BOUNDARIES

AC: Wish for closeness, yet fear it.

JG pg. 33: Two major organization and sustaining beliefs are: “Should I want more from you, or should I be angry at you, you will leave: and if I’m compliant, something will be given to me that will make me invulnerable and less destructive.”

Behind these conscious beliefs are concerns with the destructiveness of their own aggressive wishes to find a powerful protector. In any event, the basic tension between wanting more from the object and fearing that less will be received accounts for the sustained dysphoric characteristic of borderline functioning.

DEPENDENCE ON OTHERS

AC pg. 80: there are those who can’t tolerate being alone and therefore cling to friends, relatives, and just about anyone who happens to be around.

JG pg. 8: Borderline persons tend to be compulsively social because their sense of their own coherence and value depends on the presence of others.

JG pg. 97: …desperate to find someone, anyone, to “hold onto,” someone to feel in control of…

JG pg. 36: …is evident in the need to have people around — even if without any evident emotional contact, in using radio and television as hypnotics, or in heavy use of transitional objects.


DISSOCIATION – ANGER – DEPRESSION

AC pg. 170: …feelings of depression, uncontrollable anger, and incapacitating fears of disorientation.

JG pg. 9: In general, the occurrence of any mild or brief ego-dystonic psychotic-like experiences in the absence of severe, widespread psychotic symptoms at any time in the patient’s past life is a strong indicator for the borderline diagnosis.

JG pg. 3: …four characteristics identify what they called the “borderline syndrome.” These were (a) failures in self-identity, (b) anaclitic relationships, (c) a type of depression based on loneliness, and (d) the predominance of expressed anger.

JG pg. 86: …the depressions of borderline patients differed from other patients with depression by their impulses to hurt themselves.

JG pg. 16: Probably the most common form of affective disorder found in borderline patients is unipolar nonmelancholic depression.

JG pg. 103: …manipulative behaviors are often indirect expressions of anger…


LOW SELF ESTEEM

AC Have a low opinion of yourself

PH: They feel low, inadequate, or wrong.


SUICIDAL TENDENCIES
AC pg. 49: …most likely to kill himself, either accidentally or on purpose.

AC pg. 169: “Most people, when their car breaks down on the highway, either get out and fix it or call a mechanic. When my car had a flat tire, I called the suicide hot line.”
JG pg. 85: …suicide gestures emerge as one of the major discriminating characteristics of borderline patients…
JG pg. 86: Almost all the patients were involved in suicide threats, overdosing or self-mutilation.


FEAR OF EXPOSURE

AC: deny or suppress feelings 

AC: feel unnecessarily embarrasses and ashamed

JG pg. 169: …may cling to a pharmacotherapist because of a fearful reluctance to open their personal and interpersonal lives up for review.

The Mattress Queen keeps making an appearance on my Facebook feed. The mainstream media and the Sisters of Outrage love to spread accusations of rape, even ones that have been proven bogus. 

Stephanie Hallett of Ms. Magazine hailed Emma Sulkowicz as a brave heroine and one of the greatest things to happen to feminists in 2014. Sulkowicz made herself famous by claiming she was raped. And then made herself even more famous by hauling a mattress around campus, publicly shaming a fellow feminist for allegedly raping her.

Despite there being no evidence of rape and lots of evidence that Emma was a jilted lover seeking payback, the Stephanie Halletts of the world still maintain that Sulkowicz is a model citizen and have made no effort to apologize to her falsely-accused/publicly-shamed victim.          

Another feminist blogger at New York Magazine is outraged because the president of Columbia University wouldn’t shake hands with Emma. Perhaps, he was afraid that she would accuse him of raping her hand?

I’ll be honest, I didn’t follow the story all that much. Even though it was shoved in my face by the media. I only started to write about these stories, because of my BPD-ex. I am fascinated only because I want to understand why it became the focal point of her whole life. I have since learned that false accusations are normal for the abnormal- that 1% of the female population that loves to tell stories of rape, incest and boogie men.

I have also learned that many of these women experienced sexual abuse in their childhood. It is those memories that cause dissociation, lapse of good judgement and false accusations. Triggered memories of childhood abuse can cause the person to misinterpret events, especially if they involve intense emotions.

Stephanie Hallett has made a career out of praising troubled women through the lens of victimhood. She has yet to write any articles about mental illness. And that puzzles me. How can you write about women who show signs of emotional instability, the kind that makes you accuse a man of rape when he rejects you, and not write about the cause of such troubling behavior?

Those who don’t understand why a woman would falsely accuse a man of rape, don’t understand the nature of mental illness. They don’t understand BPD and the pain that comes with rejection. They don’t understand that rejection makes them do crazy things like accuse you of rape or anything else that might cast them as the victim. Imagine feeling so much pain (from rejection) that the only way you can describe it is by telling people that you were anally raped.

Fortunately, I’ve never had such accusations hurled at me. Lord knows I’ve been with women who were crazy enough to make such accusations. But I do know what it feels like to have a former lover turn 180 on you for inexplicable reasons. I know what it feels like to go from the love of their life to public enemy number one. I have had troubled women accuse me of abuse because how dare I accuse them of having mental issues?

On some level, I think the Mattress Queen believes she was raped. Troubled women believe their own delusions. They believe the world is out to get them. Had the accused been just another one night stand (one of many), he might have escaped Emma’s wrath. But he made the mistake of getting emotionally involved with an emotionally unstable woman.

He was lured by sex, but didn’t realize that these women use it as a tool to punish men. Their ambivalent feelings about sex are the result of childhood trauma. It has left them with an insatiable appetite for sex, but also an insatiable appetite for destroying that which they desire.

You should never judge a book by its cover. Even if that book has purple/blue hair or whatever look is fashionable with the identity-disturbance crowd these days. But you should always look beyond the carefully-fashioned image that is created by people who love attention just a little too much. People who carry mattresses are also carrying emotional baggage. If you look closely you can see it. It is plain as day. 

People who praise people who carry mattresses are also carrying emotional baggage. They are carrying the burden of proof. They are constantly re-writing the narrative to bring legitamcy to their tales of victimhood. Unfortunately, women like Stephanie Hallett keep cherry-picking stories of victimization that later turn out to be false.  So instead of lending credence to her own narrative, it only serves to create doubt.

Borderline women use the law as a weapon and they use their womanhood as a shield. But the law is onto them. Cases like this are often thrown out because of a lack of evidence and a history of attention-seeking/chaos manufacturing.

These women are out to prove that all men are pigs, and then can’t fathom why they are constantly being rejected. They offer men the promise of wild sex and can’t figure out why men use them for sex. They run away from good men and can’t figure out why they end up with the male version of themselves.  Stephanie Hallett can’t figure out why the only publication that will employ her is one that doesn’t insist on fact-checking or doesn’t frown upon pseudo-journalism. And Emma Sulkowicz is left wondering, “Why, oh why won’t the president of the prestigious university shake my hand???”

Despite being cleared of wrongdoing, this poor guy’s reputation is tarnished for life. His name smeared across national headlines. He may even re-think his position on feminism. “Feminists” like Emma Sulkowicz and Stephanie Hallett will go on blindly lashing out at MANkind, because they aren’t really fighting for women’s rights. They are fighting inner demons… fighting a past they can not accept.

I know what it’s like to suddenly realize the woman you’re with is batshit crazy. And in that moment, she too will realize that you know too much. She may even sense your justifiable concern and interpret it as rejection. She may even pretend she is rejecting your advances in retaliation. If she feels reallly hurt, she will go so far as to find a way to dehumanize you… portray you as a predator. She will do everything except address her own issues or accept responsibility for her illness.

It is much easier to paint a picture of victimization… paint you as the devil. This is about her victimhood. Not yours. Feminists like Stephanie Hallett never write about falsely-accused men, even ones who are feminists themselves. To write about a man’s victimhood would reveal too much about their disease and that would defeat the purpose of the dog and pony show. 

Shit Borderlines Do

May 19, 2015

Andrea Rae

April 26, 2015

Before My ACOA-ex and before my BPD-ex, there was a girl named Andrea Rae. Andrea was not the first troubled woman in my life, and sadly she would not be my last. She was, however, the most traumatic experience in my life.

Andrea was a self-proclaimed bitch. She was proud of it. She claims she came from a long line of bitches. She even had books on her shelf that instructed her on how she could be more of a bitch and earn the respect of men. Yes, women like this actually exist. 

I met Andrea in a dark and crowded room with music pumping through the speakers. We met in the heat of the moment. It was a passionate moment. Maybe too passionate for a first encounter. Still, I was prepared to let it be a fleeting moment. Then she said, in a dissapointed tone, “Aren’t you going to ask me for my number?”

I remember that night vividly. She was with her girl posse. I offered to drive her and her friend home later that night. I was on a natural high. She brought that out in me. Like my other exes, she loved very public displays of affection. Admittedly, so did I.

As I drove off, her friend spotted the guy she had been making out with all night. Instead of waving to say hi, she ducked into her seat to avoid him. Andrea laughed as if she thought it was amusing that her friend had dissed the guy after making him think she was into him. In hindsight, it was a very telling moment. It said a lot about Andrea and the mean girls she hung out with. Man Haters love to play with their prey.

Andrea was a smart girl, as are most of the women I date. She was just graduating with a degree in electrical engineering. But she was a pretty nerd. This nerdy gal was no modest introvert. She would show up to our dates showing ample bosom. That was her secret weapon. Once a taxi cab driver braked just to get an eyefull. Men would chat her up when I wasn’t looking. She loved the attention. 

After graduation, she had an offer to take a job with a big financial firm in NYC. But even so,  we spent almost every day together. She gave me all her time and all her love. She called me three times a day. And I was always thinking, “What did I do to deserve so much affection?” She would praise me non-stop. She was dropping the love bomb and I couldn’t get enough of it. Little did I know that I would fall from that position just as quickly.

When she wanted to be, she could be the cuddliest girl you’ve ever met. But as the relationship went on, I noticed another side of her personality. As good as she was at lifting me up, she could cut me down to size in a matter of seconds. She could be as cruel as she was sweet, whatever suited her needs at the moment.

After a while, I started noticing the disdainful way she spoke about men. She spoke about them as if they were inferior beings. She was very condescending and judgmental. She (like all my exes) would say things like “all men are pigs”. Andrea Rae wasn’t the first Man Hater to pounce on me, but she was definitely the most hateful. I would learn just how hateful.

My love affair with Andrea was like a slow reveal. The layer of the onion would get more and more bitter as I peeled off the layers. The sweet girl-next-door act was just that… an act to lure unsuspecting men to their doom. Andrea was the ultimate femme fatale- a woman who relished the punishment of men, a woman who enjoyed exerting control over them. To Andrea Rae, love was a power struggle and she was practicing to be a dominatrix.

I knew Andrea, before I knew anything about BPD or ACOA. But even back then, I knew something was not right. She liked to call me “daddy” when we were alone… like a sweet little girl. She was being affectionate, but there was something unsettling about it. I have a history of dating women who do not exhibit age-appropriate behavior  and who have daddy issues. Professionals might observe this behavior and suggest sexual-traumatization at a young age had emotionally stunted these women. 

My suspicions grew whenever she would make unusually brutal and inappropriate remarks about sex, including disturbing remarks about incest and beastiality.  Sex was always awkward and unomfortable with Andrea Rae.  She liked to play rough and talk dirty. But it never felt right. Something was off.  She would chastise me if I didn’t do things exactly the way she wanted. Everything was a control issue. These are the telltale signs that a woman has had a troubled past.

Andrea acted like she was daddy’s little princess, but something tells me all was not well in her family. Her impulse was to run away from intimacy. Andrea longed for the glamour of the big city (having watched a lot of the Sex and the City and reading bundles of Cosmo magazine ), because she hated growing up in a small mining town in Nevada. Her dad was an engineer but she grew up in a town of rednecks. It was the kind of town where bored girls experimented with crack and slept with other women’s husbands. Andrea was no exception to this rule.

The more insecure she felt, the more she developed an alternate persona. She took on an air of superiority that belied her terrible insecurities and past. She was tough on the outside, but unusually fragile on the inside. She was easily offended and would lash out with terrible cruelty. This was a pattern of behavior I’ve noticed in all the women I’ve loved. It is the trademark of an abusive personality… one that abuses loved ones behind closed doors.

Before she left for the Big City, she suggested we have an open relationship. I was ok with this because I saw no point in being exclusive if she was going to be in another city. It was difficult to imagine her with other men,  but I started dating another woman to relieve the pain. Andrea Rae did not like this at all. And when she found out that I had sex with the other woman, she flipped her lid. I have never seen her quite as vicious. It was ok if she took strange men to her bed. But it was not ok if I slept with a woman I had been dating for three months. 

Months earlier, I took a trip to NY to visit her. She told me she was so excited to see me. But on the day I was suppose to fly out, she expressed reservations about our relationship. And when I got there, she acted distant and emotionally-detached. This is the push-pull behavior I have come to know too well.

I was annoyed that I had flown all the way to see her, just to have her act like she didn’t know me. So I broke up with her. Again she reacted viciously. Andrea Rae did not take rejection well. Foolishly, I took her back. Because I mistook her rage for love. But she did not love me. She just wanted me back long enough to find a replacement. She was stringing me along… she was buying time… time to find a replacement. This is what they all do. Andrea Rae always had to be the one who rejected the man… not the other way around.

When I called her out about her push/pull behavior, she split me black. We had talked about staying friends, but she was not friendly at all. She was quite hostile. And even accused me of harassing her when I made attempts to stay friendly. The woman who use to call me three times a day, was now annoyed if I called her at all. She literally turned on me overnight.  I went from the love of her life to public enemy number one. The wall was up and she was intent on running away. She was out to prove that all men are indeed pigs.

Like all femme-fatales, she loves anatagonizing men and then playing the victim. A woman, who is victimized at a young age, re-plays the drama of her youth… over and over again.  She plays the victim because that is all she knows.  She even went so far as to make vicious threats and outlandish accusations. The Man Hater fights dirty.  Attacking you with brutal hostility and then playing the victim is how you know you are dealing with a sadist. She is punishing you for something that happened in her childhood.

Being ambitious and book-smart has allowed Andrea to climb up the corporate ladder with great efficiency. Her control issues make her a suitable candidate for middle management.  But like most high-functioning sociopaths, she fails to achieve that success in her private life. She is still on the run, jumping across the pond in hopes things will be different. Yet I will bet good money that she has moved from one broken relationship to another. Blaming each man for its failure. Like all femme-fatales, Andrea Rae sees men as the problem- the source of all her misery.

Andrea Rae isn’t smart enough to figure out that she has a pattern of pushing men away and ruining their lives, especially men who treat her with kindness.  Denial allows her to play dumb. She sees kindness as a weakness… for her to exploit and manipulate. Admission of guilt would prevent her from completing her mission- to prove all men are pigs. She would have to admit that she is a narcissist and a sociopath. What had to happen to create such a monster? With each relationship, the answers become more clear.

All my exes insisted they were nothing like the woman I dated before. But that is utter nonsense. They all share the same qualities that fill the pages of this blog. It has become abundantly clear that I am dating the same woman over and over again. 

Two More Fall From Grace

April 14, 2015

I have a sixth sense about people. I seem to see what others can not. Not sure if this is a gift or a curse. Some people think I’m crazy. But the truth, that some do not want to hear, is that I know what I’m talking about. I don’t say this to boast. I say this because time has proven me correct. When I heard that my BPDex had failed another relationship, it was confirmation that everything written here was spot on.

Recently, two more people in my life fell from grace. One was a company that I had worked for… a company run by people who I knew were toxic. But no one else in the company saw this because they were all in denial. They were too busy drinking the Kool Aid. They had fired me because I had a bad habit of pointing out their dysfunctional behavior… abusive behavior that I had recognized as that of people affected by alcoholism and mood disorders.

On my way out, I warned co-workers to watch their back. The smart ones took my advice and jumped ship. The diehard denialist sank with the ship. 

The company closed their doors this month and sold the company to a global entity. The owners cashed out and left the rest of their employees to sink. That was their true nature showing in the final moments. So much for the facade of generosity.

The second person to fall was someone who I hardly knew. But I’ve known him since my early days in the Big CIty. He was a small-time celebrity in the underground music scene. He was one of those people who never aged. But I always had a sense there was a sadness behind the glitz and the glamour. Rumor has it he committed suicide. Nobody knows why, but I suspect he was yet another runaway from a small town… a runaway who was running from his past and his problems.

He was like Peter Pan- a boy who never wanted to grow up aka change. His glory days were well behind him and I could see that the glimmer had faded in recent years. 

Many of those club kids are now aging hipsters. Hipsters do not age well. Once that fabulous glow of youth has faded, they must confront their demons again. I think it was too much for him. He was too sensitive for his own good… like so many others in the Big City.

The Illusion of Control

March 27, 2015

Emotionally-damaged women love telling you their sob stories. But when you use those sob stories to explain why their behavior is so erratic and irrational, they shut down. They run away and block your phone number. They accuse you of being abusive. They play the victim. 

These women live in denial, because denial keeps them warm and fuzzy. Acknowledging the damage that has been done only happens when they want to give you the impression there might be hope. But with each damaged woman I make the mistake of loving, I realize there is little hope…  if any.

Something about their condition prevents self-awareness and change. Is it their self-destructive streak? the bubble of denial? Or is it this need to appear perfect in every way. All the women I dated, were obsessed with their appearance. They brushed their teeth until their bristles were warped. They spent hours in front of their mirror, obsessing about their hair and their outfits… looking outward to prevent themselves (and the world) from looking inward.

My ACOA-ex was OCD. I would come home to find that all my shirts had been buttoned up and folded neatly. My sink and bathtub scrubbed so hard that the enamel and chrome was worn off. This was her need to control things. She obsessed about things until she wore it down… like she wore me down. She tried to control me with her mind games and her tantrums. But that was what pushed me away. She is her own worst enemy and she has yet to figure that out.

Like all my exes, she found a quick replacement when it was convenient for her. That was the only way she could soothe her feelings of abandonment and satiate her sexual appetite. The only way she could rid herself of the fear that I might leave her was to leave me. She knew she could not control me or convince me that I was the problem. So she found someone she could control and would take the abuse.

I laugh whenever I see the men who would become my replacements. They almost always have that look of cluelessness on their face. It is almost as if my exes intentionally found someone who was more gullible… someone so dense, they could not possibly know what they were in for. My troubled exes are trying to find someone who will believe the lies and the manipulations. Because that is the only way they can feel in control.

I made them feel out of control. Because I would not play their games. I called them out… one, too many times. I knew too much. They would accuse me of using their sob stories against them as if I were putting them on trial. I burst their bubble of delusions. And that was the only reason they needed to run.

Unresolved Trauma

March 10, 2015

Found an article on unresolved trauma. Below are 20 symptoms:

1. Addictive behaviors – excessively turning to drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling as a way to push difficult emotions and upsetting trauma content further away.

2. An inability to tolerate conflicts with others – having a fear of conflict, running from conflict, avoiding conflict, maintaining skewed perceptions of conflict

3. An inability to tolerate intense feelings, preferring to avoid feeling by any number of ways

4. An
 innate belief that they are bad, worthless, without value or importance

5. Black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, even if this approach ends up harming themselves

6. Chronic and repeated suicidal thoughts and feelings

7. Disorganized attachment patterns – having a variety of short but intense relationships, refusing to have any relationships, dysfunctional relationships, frequent love/hate relationships

8. Dissociation, spacing out, losing time, missing time, feeling like you are two completely different people (or more than two)

9. Eating disorders – anorexia, bulimia, obesity, etc

10. Excessive sense of self-blame – taking on inappropriate responsibility as if everything is their fault, making excessive apologies

11. Inappropriate attachments to mother figures or father figures, even with dysfunctional or unhealthy people

12. Intense anxiety and repeated panic attacks

13. Intrusive thoughts, upsetting visual images, flashbacksbody memories / unexplained body pain, or distressing nightmares

14. Ongoing, chronic depression

15. Repeatedly acting from a victim role in current day relationships

16. Repeatedly taking on the rescuer role, even when inappropriate to do so

17. Self-harm, self-mutilation, self-injury, self-destruction

18. Suicidal actions and behaviors, failed attempts to suicide

19. Taking the perpetrator role / angry aggressor in relationships

20. Unexplained but
 intense fears of people, places, things

The rest of the article can be found here:

http://discussingdissociation.com/2009/07/04/20-signs-of-unresolved-trauma/

Too Much. Too Fast.

March 7, 2015

Beware of things that come too easily. This is especially true when it comes to love.  This is true of all my relationships. They were all too good to be true.

My last ex claimed she knew I was the One, the first time I met her. I knew this was hogwash and a redflag, but I took the bait anyways. I was out for a good time when I met her. No intentions of falling in love. But she asked for my phone number and I was only happy to give it to her. It was too easy, but I didn’t care.

Of course, there were many other redflags. She was hours late to our first date. Being flaky and inconsiderate of other people’s time was her trademark. It never occured to her that this was a redflag. It seems small and insignificant, but in fact it was an early sign of her relationship-sabotaging ways.

This is what they mean by Push-Pull behavior. They are pulling you in and pushing you away at the same time, leaving you confused and frustrated. Within months, there was talk of living together. I was still dating another woman when I first met her. She would later chastise me for this, because I was completely unaware that I was already in a commited relationship. Oh yes, she had plans before I knew there were plans.

To be fair, I walked into it. It’s hard to walk away from that feeling of being loved. Even if you know it’s being artificially inflated for dramatic purposes. I even introduced her to my family. If you ever want to see a troubled woman freak out, introduce her to your family. She will relish it and use it as an opportunity to fall apart. It is, at this moment, that you will see the effect that intimacy has on her. She will become irritable and start fights for no reason. She will look for any reason to fight. 

This is because the same intimacy that she demands, is the same intimacy that triggers her fight and flight response. My ACOA-ex was overjoyed to meet my parents, but this is when I started noticing her flip-flopping ways. This reaction was remarkably similar to the way my BPD-ex reacted. Maybe, on some level, this had become my litmus test.

When a love comes this easy there is no foundation. The expectations are built up high like a house of cards on a foldout table. It is why these relationships fall as quickly as they are built up. 

My BPDex married her ex months after our relationship crumbled. Three years later, there are no signs of that marriage. This is the speed at which these women operate. So it’s actually good that I’m dating a woman who wants to go slow. Maybe too slow for my liking. But that’s a good thing because I recognize that I am as responsible for those relationships moving quickly as the women who pushed for it.

Admittedly, I miss that feeling of being in love. It may not have been real, but it felt real… at the time. But the fact that it was so easily taken away confirms that it wasn’t real. Real love doesn’t disappear after two years or after you come back from a business trip. Was any of it real? Well, something had to trigger her fight/fight response.

Too Emo to Love

February 17, 2015

Signs of fear of intimacy may include: avoiding physical/sexual contact or having an insatiable sexual appetite, difficulty with commitment, history of unstable relationships, low self-esteem, bouts of anger, isolation, difficulty forming close relationships, difficulty sharing feelings, difficulty showing emotion, and difficulty trusting.

This is the best way I know how to describe all the women I’ve loved. To be fair, I can identify with most of the signs listed in the quote above. But if I’m a 7, the women I dated were 11s.

It is too easy and tempting to write them off as psychos or evil incarnate. Because they are much more complicated than that.

If they were simply evil women, I could have easily walked away. But the women I loved were always keeping me guessing. 

At times, they provided ample love and tenderness. There were times when they were nurturing and healthy lovers. They weren’t always cold and heartless. They only showed those signs towards the very end. If anything, they were full of emotion. Too much emotion. Can a woman be too emo to love? 

If she feels emotions with too much intensity, she will not be able to handle love. The women I loved, embraced it. They welcomed it with open-arms. But once it was in their arms, they feared losing it. They tried it on and ultimately didn’t feel worthy. 

My last ex was always reading my emails and texts hoping to catch me cheating on her. She drew absurd conclusions that had no basis in fact. She did that because love made her a nervous wreck. She was too sensitive for her own good or mine.

There is no way for these women  to turn down the emotional dial. Not when it comes to love. This is why only lovers know what family and friends find so hard to believe.

The one I call my ACOA-ex was the most loving of all my exes. But she could also be the most vindictive when she felt like I was not reciprocating her love. But that was her perception, not reality. It was the perception of a woman who never felt deserving of love. Her childhood memories were being triggered by our relationship.

The one I’m currently seeing is not as emo, but she is also not entirely emotionally available. She was kind enough to admit that her capacity to love is limited. It is her surprising honesty that makes her less harmful. Because you never fall in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable and knows it. You take it for what it is. The real harm comes from loving a woman who fools you and herself into believing she is capable of love. But in reality, she is too emo to love.

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