February 16, 2015
As I get older today, I reflect upon what I’ve learned and what I still need to learn. I’ve said good-bye to a lot of friends in the last few years, which is always a painful process. But it’s gotta be done.
I have fewer friends. But the ones I have are keepers. No more fair-weather friends or self-centered narcissists. No more unnecessary drama. No more dysfunction or passive-aggressive toxicity left over from childhood.
Truth be told, we all had less than perfect childhoods. But I’ve learned that not everyone uses that as an excuse to be a horrible human being. I’ve met some people on this blog whose existence proves that a damaged child can be a decent adult.
It is always sad when you love someone and continue to love someone after the relationship goes to shit. In that instant, their “love” magically evaporates into thin air. You wonder if it was ever genuine. Maybe my standard for love is higher. I require and deserve permanence and consistency. That is how I know my love is real and I expect no less for myself.
I can not trust someone who snaps and pulls a 180 on me every time they feel like its justified. I can not continue to love someone who punishes people because they are feeling insecure and vulnerable. Or punishes me because something dear old dad did to them.
But still there will always be a part of me that loves those women who took their love back so easily. That is why betrayal is so painful to me. Because when their love has already and completely dried up, my love still remains.
February 6, 2015
When I met my ACOA-Ex, I was actually dating someone else. She never lets me forget that. I wasn’t trying to date two girls at one time. I don’t have that much free time. It just happened.
We had only been dating for that summer and then I met my ACOA-Ex. It was a meaningless fling, something to pass the time. And of course, she was crazy as hell. Much much crazier than my ACOA-Ex. So crazy even I had to figure out a polite way of ending the fling. Believe it or not, she was too crazy even for my tastes.
Then my ACOA-Ex came into my life and she seemed… well, relatively normal. So that helped me make up my mind. The transition was not smooth. I had to find some way of gingerly breaking up with a crazy woman. My Ex thinks I’m a player, but that isn’t the case at all.
I was still trying to figure out what I wanted and I was still finding crazy women in my life. If I was non-committal, it was because I was afraid of committing myself to yet another Man-Hater. So I kept things light.
Digging shallow holes, as they say, in hopes of finally finding a healthy relationship.
I had only been dating my Ex for a month. But, like so many of my other exes, she was on the fast track. She actually asked for my phone number when we met, so I was definitely not trying to date multiple women. It just happened.
In retrospect, I should have continued dating. I should not have jumped into a relationship so quickly. People, like me, can’t avoid crazy women. They are everywhere. Maybe it’s because I hang around eccentric circles, creative people who have liberal lifestyles. Or maybe, it’s because I’m a little crazy myself and just attract birds of a feather.
I’m not afraid of being alone. I am, what you call, a friendly introvert. I like going to restaurants, bars and the movies by myself. Or at least, I am comfortable doing that. But I also like being with someone who shares my interests and unique point of view. So when I meet a woman who feels familiar, I date her.
Unfortunately, familiar to me is crazy. And that’s what I don’t need. So maybe I need to start dating women who aren’t familiar. That is why dating is so important. Because it’s practice for the real thing.
Dating crazy women is not the problem. Being in love with a crazy woman is. It’s important for me to date to explore my options. Because my tendency and pattern is to date crazy, I need to date more often. I need to date until I find that one woman who isn’t so crazy. Or maybe just the right amount of crazy.
We all have issues. Myself included. But even I have limits. I like quirky people. I like crazy people who do amazing things, the kind of things only a crazy person can do. What I don’t like is the kind of crazy that translates into women punishing men for the sins of their fathers. That I can do without.
February 5, 2015
I want you to know that despite all the mean and horrible things you said to me, I still love you. There are even times when I miss you. Those fond memories of us still haunt me. Your vindictive rage might have erased your own fond memories, but sadly mine are intact.
There is a side of you who I will always love. There is no one I loved more than you. And that includes my BPD-ex. You were always worried about other women, but it was you who had the special place in my heart. I shared things with you, I have only shared with you. But you betrayed that trust.
I can not separate the woman I love from the woman who said and did all those awful things. You have a darkness inside of you that you have yet to discover. You’re in denial. By now, you know that runs in your family.
I talk about your family, not to insult your family or to degrade you. I do it to trace the origins of your misery. You must come to terms with the fact that your anger towards me is in fact anger towards your childhood. The dysfunction you live with had to come from somewhere. It didn’t come from me.
You have turned on me too many times for me to continue trusting you with my heart. You have betrayed me for the last time. You will not be invited back. I have taken you back too many times to count, often without asking for an apology. Use those sad puppy dog eyes on someone else.
You’ve read my blog. You know the facts. But you choose to ignore them, because you’re afraid to acknowledge your darkside and your dark past. You want to continue playing the victim because that is your nature.
But you are only ruining your life by doing so. Blaming and shaming me for your insecurities is not only wrong, it is misplaced anger. Your insecurities and your rage existed long before you met me. Your friends know that and you know that. It will be there long after I’m gone.
My BPD-ex is proof of all that. Look at her miserable life to know what your life will become if you don’t take a long hard look at yourself. She has lost husband, friends and lovers because she and her family refuse to see that darkside.
I was just a convenient scapegoat for all her misery. I was her punching bag for all that rage she had against her father. You and her are alike in that way. You share a secret hatred for your fathers. But you keep it under wraps because both of you still want your father’s acceptance.
How many more men will you push into the arms of another woman?
You have so much to offer a man. You’re beautiful, smart and funny. I was proud to have you by my side. I loved sharing experiences with you and sharing you with my friends and family. But you ruined all that. You made it so I can never do that again.
You have great strength inside of you and amazing survival skills. All my exes have that in common. Use that side of you to better yourself. Stop blaming every man you fall in love with. Stop playing your passive-aggressive games and, for everyone’s sake, stop projecting your illness onto others.
My family loved you and my friends did too. But you ruined that as well. Because you have this insatiable need to tear people down so you can free yourself from the fear of abandonment and rejection. Ask yourself why you came back into my life, only to announce you’ve moved on.
You’re a complete mess. You play with people’s minds and hearts. Yet you somehow find a way to play the victim every time. You are completely ignorant of how screwed up you are.
You will lose every time if you do not tame that temper of yours. There is NO justification for it. Every man you love will drift away. No man, in is right mind, would trust his heart with a woman who is this emotionally unstable.
Believe me, I know. There were troubled women before you. They all live lives of quiet misery. They may seem fabulous on the outside, but they are all slowly falling apart on the inside. The illusion of well-being is a lie.
Your therapist doesn’t know what I know, because she hasn’t spent the last 2 years with you. You haven’t subjected her to the mind games that you have played with me. No one knows. Not your friends or your family. Because you abused me behind closed doors. And then you conveniently forgot about it.
To this day, you have offered me no apologies for your treatment of me. It is unfortunate. Because I was hoping we could stay friends. I tried. I tried harder than any man should.
But you didn’t. You never tried. It was always me. I was always the one who reached out with the olive branch. I was always the one who swallowed my pride and took you back.
You couldn’t contain the rage that you keep hidden inside of you.
That is part of your disease. Now that I am gone, you will have no one to blame but yourself.
Please continue going to therapy. Hopefully, your therapist will eventually catch on. I am hoping that, one of these days, you will stop playing the victim. I hope that you will start telling people the truth about yourself and stop spreading the lies about me.
I think I told you this once. But I will tell it again- years ago, I got a call from my college sweetheart. She was my first love. She too had similar issues. She too treated me like shit so she could run away with good conscience. But that too was a lie.
She eventually suffered a breakdown, similar to the one you had. However, she was fortunate enough to marry someone who got her the help she needed. Part of her treatment was to call people she had wronged.
I still carry the pain she caused me. But I forgave her because she had the strength and good will to ask for my forgiveness. And that was enough.
It was enough for me to feel like she had acknowledged the pain she had caused me. It was enough for me to hear her own up to the terrible way she had treated me. In my eyes, she became a better person that day. I hope, some day, you will too.
It didn’t matter to me that she married another man. That wasn’t the point. If you think this is an attempt to get you back… well, you can stop flattering yourself. It’s not. Please let go of the petty grievances that keep you angry.
You have bigger issues in hand.
All that ever mattered to me was the TRUTH. That’s what you could never understand. And why I could never give myself fully to you.
All I ever wanted was to set the record straight. My college sweetheart took years to figure that out. I hope you will figure it out as well.
But to do that, you have to take an honest look at yourself. You have to untwist the tales you have told, the tales that you think will soothe your conscience.
Ask yourself why you blocked me out when so many others have caused you misery. If you say it’s because you loved me, then that is proof you fear intimacy. You fear the truth about yourself.
Find a way to overcome that fear. Figure out why you’re so hyper-sensitive. Break your addiction to melodrama. Then maybe you will find some long-lasting happiness. I wish that for you. I really do.
February 4, 2015
To all those who advised me to run the other way, thank you for your concern. It is the exact advice I would give to someone else in my situation.
But as I said to MF, I am a man with needs. No, I don’t mean sex.
Contrary to what my paranoid ACOA-ex believes, I don’t sleep around. That’s not who I am. I don’t have notches on my bedpost. I am not about conquests in the bed or self-satisfaction. I look for shared experiences, mutual enjoyment. I am looking for love. I am an oddball like that.
I am actually very choosey about who I sleep with. Because I have tried having sex with randos and it wasn’t enjoyable. It was awkward and strange. I need intimacy and tenderness. Most of all, I need trust. Cold and mechanical sex doesn’t do it for me because it’s cold and mechanical.
My 2 plus years with my ACOA-ex had its ups and downs, but the sex was always amazing. No trauma or triggers in that department (unlike my BPD-ex). Sometimes, we’d have sex multiple times in one day. We were like teenagers in love, if you can call it love.
The sex was amazing because the rapport was amazing. We enjoyed the same things. We were both sensitive to each other’s needs. We supported each other when it came to our respective careers. We listened to each other’s stories. We hugged each other when the other person needed it, even when we thought we didn’t need it.
Sex was the cherry on top. But the ice cream was the relationship. As dysfunctional as it was, it could be (most of the time) fantastic and nuturing. When she wasn’t being insecure and irrational, she was being attentive to my needs. She was sweet and caring. When I fell asleep on the subway, she lovingly pulled my head onto her shoulders.
She was my constant companion because I could think of no one else I would rather spend my time with. I took her everywhere. Most people would have felt suffocated, but I enjoyed having her by my side.
I know, it’s terribly sappy. But these are the needs I speak of- the need to feel loved. There is nothing sexier than someone who can make you feel that way.
Unfortunately, for me, even the loving ones have issues. I don’t waste my time with emotionally unavailable women (and vice versa), which is why I tell people not to worry about me going in that direction. That’s not me.
The danger to me is women who alternate between being emotionally attentive and running away from intimacy. This is the bane of my existence. Sadly, these are the only women who have made themselves available to me.
So what am I to do? Live in isolation? Zip up the plastic bubble? Join the priesthood? Run from the sight of women? Adopt an Avoidance Personality Disorder? Become jaded and angry like everyone else?
I am only human. I am a man with needs. I am also a man who has been through the ringer more than once. Subsequently, I have learned my lessons.
But I also believe avoidance is not the answer. I do believe a healthy woman is waiting for me out there. I have not found her yet. But I want to believe she is out there somewhere.
So for now, I settle for the company of troubled women. I’m not interested in “saving” them or any other kind of delusional relationship. I’m only interested in being a man enjoying the company of a woman. That’s not me being a womanizer. That’s me being human.
If I bounce from one relationship to another, it’s because these relationships never last. They implode despite my intervention or best efforts. I would be more than happy to have wild sex with one woman for the rest of my life. But I have not found that one woman who has the kind of emotional stability that I need and deserve. So I keep one foot out the door.
I keep one foot out the door, because those loving women, who are so good at making me feel loved, always have one foot out the door. Their love has proven, time and time again, to be fleeting. This situation is not ideal or healthy. But it is my reality.
My ACOA-ex hates me because I always had one foot out the door. But she could not provide me with safe sanctuary. She could not adequately prove her undying love. As long as she continued blocking my number, hanging out with swingers, having dinner with “guy friends”, I would always have one foot out the door. That was the deal. That is always the deal.
That doesn’t make me an abusive womanizer who gets sick pleasure from hurting women. That makes me a wounded warrior, protecting his heart from being stomped on with complete disregard by emotionally troubled women.
These are my rules of engagement, because I am an imperfect man living in an imperfect world. If I did live in a perfect world, my choice would be simple- I would run from crazies into the arms of a loving woman who would love me forever. But that is still a fantasy and I am still chasing a unicorn that may or may not exist.
February 3, 2015
I recently started dating again. I’ve been pouring myself into work for the last year. So I needed a break and I was longing for female companionship again. The woman I started dating is the kind of woman that walks into a room and every guy literally turns around. So how could I resist asking her out?
I did have some apprehensions though. As beautiful as she is, something about her triggers my “femme fatale” alarm. Maybe because something feels too familiar. Our exchanges are way too comfortable. For normal people, that’s a good thing. But for someone like me, that means I am treading down the same path.
Sure enough, an hour into our conversation, she tells me about her abusive relationships, a pattern that began when she witnessed her father abuse her mother. Here we go again.
She says she has been in therapy, but I can tell the damage has been done. And anybody who has read this blog knows how it ALWAYS ends. I am beginning to think that I am doomed to meet the same woman over and over again.
Like so many of my exes, she ran away to the big city to escape a past she will never escape. She has traveled to the farthest reaches of the world, hoping to find herself. She is smart, sensitive and loves to cuddle. She is likable in so many ways.
But the loose thread is there. I can see it so clearly, because I have learned how to look for it. And I know that all I have to do is pull it and everything will fall apart.
I will be surprised if this lasts. I’m already picking up on the fear of intimacy. I can tell her head is spinning. She has that runaway instinct that I am so familiar with. She does that thing where she acts distant after we exchange tender affection. The push-pull has already begun.
January 25, 2015
I knew my borderline ex’s marriage was in trouble when she gave up blogging about weddings and went back to blogging about rape.
This represent the two personalities that occupy one woman. She is both a hopeless romantic who dreams of being happily married, but she is also a woman who harbors immeasurable rage towards men, all men.
She would never admit that she hates men. None of the troubled women I’ve known would. But every once in a while, they say things like “all men are pigs!” (the battle cry of perpetually angry women). Or they tell sob stories of fathers who were less than perfect, much less.
These aren’t your everyday daddy issues. They are the kind of stories that are hard to believe when you first hear them. Do families like this really exist? Can a family be so dysfunctional as to fill a person with infinite hatred towards the opposite sex?
When my BPD ex got her first job blogging for a feminist magazine, she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t more excited for her. I was supportive of many things in her life and I had always prided myself in being a supporter of feminists. That is, until I dated one.
My less than enthusiastic response was due to my fear that I was in a relationship with another Man Hater. Feminists, like her, will tell you that “misandry” is a made-up word, while accusing every man of being a “misogynist”.
Ironically, Man Haters cannot live without men. My BPD-ex goes through men like a womanizer goes through women. She uses men to fill a void that can’t be filled. She tosses men aside as easily as she uses them. Man Haters are unapologetic users of men.
My BPD ex isn’t a feminist. She is posing as one. She has abused women as well as men. Women, like my BPD-ex, become feminists because it legitimizes their hatred of men. In feminism, my BPD-ex found other angry women who would enable and excuse her rage. They would support her cries of victimhood.
My ACOA-ex has the same issues of self-imposed victimhood. She was always afraid that I would leave her for another woman. But she was projecting her own fear of intimacy. In the end, like so many before her did, she was the one who abandoned the relationship because the fear of rejection was too much for her. Her crippling insecurity got the best of her.
It is no coincidence, that all her female friends struggle with intimacy. They share the same rage against men. Birds of a feather flock together. She often critiques her female buddies on their failures, but fails to see her own flaws. Her lack of self-awareness is her biggest flaw.
She assumes every man is a cheater and, at the same time, befriends swingers. She has so little self-awareness, she is unable to see her own hypocrisy. I actually had to point out the fact that her friends were swingers, not just artsy Burning Man-types. At first, she denied it (surprise, surprise). But eventually she could no longer deny the obvious.
Man Haters are overcome with the fear that they will be replaced by a younger/prettier woman. It never occurs to them, that they are pushing lovers away with their hidden rage.
Their denial of that rage keeps men at a safe distance. And the projection of their rage onto men makes any sensible man think twice about his relationship with a rage-filled woman.
Their relationships are stormy because every man reminds them of dear old dad. Because intimacy brings out their darkest side, the one that they keep under lock and key.
Man Haters are control freaks. That is how they contain their fears. Ironic, because they fear being controlled. They suffer paranoid-delusions that men are out to control them… worse yet, screw them over.
Man Haters are escape artists. They run from perceived danger- the threat of abandonment. They jump from one relationship to another. They move to the other side of the country. They change their identity.
My ACOA-ex ran away from home to “join the circus”. She prided herself on having a gypsy heart.To her, that meant working in the TV/Film industry and going to Burning Man. This was her escape from reality and self-examination. She would journey to far off lands to distract herself from the demons within.
My BPD-ex went back to writing about rape, because that is who she is… who she will always be. That is the lens through which she views all men. Whether it happened in college, or at an age she doesn’t care to remember, is inconsequential. The net effect is the same. The way she treats men is a result of that dark history.
She could not pretend to be happily married forever. Even the greatest actress, must break character every now and then. She was merely playing a part that never fit her.
Unless she commits herself to honesty and treatment, she will continue treating men badly. Her unapologetic ways will ensure that her life will be lonely and filled with misery… and rejection. A woman who hates men as much as she claims men hate women is a hypocrite. She can not see that she is her worst enemy.
January 22, 2015
It’s ironic that my Borderline-ex’s marriage failed at the same time my ACOA-ex leaves our relationship in ruins. They are both runaways.
They both ran away from home, because home is where their problems started. They never learned to deal with their problems or their families. They only know how to run. Go back to when this blog first started and you will find more posts on this topic.
My Borderline-ex was a runaway bride on more than one occasion. So it was not a surprise to me that her marriage failed. I was waiting for it. It was absurd for her friends and family to think that marriage would last forever. But that is the power of denial and the absurdity of enablers.
With every relationship, these troubled women think that they have found the One. But that is a lie they tell themselves to justify life on the run. They are not capable of intimacy. Intimacy fills them with irrational fear. The more intimacy, the more fear. The more fear, the more they are compelled to run and hide. How can such a relationship possibly last?
I had the good sense to tell my BPD-ex that I would not follow her to LA. I had the good sense to tell my ACOA-ex to not speak of moving in together. This was not my own fear of intimacy. This was my fear of troubled women. But this made them fear rejection even more. They knew I knew too much.
This knowledge would trigger their runaway response. They were slowly distancing themselves and pulling me in at the same time. That is why my Spidey-sense was tingling. It was not my imagination. It was my own self-defense mechanism at work.
Something inside of me was telling me NOT to get close to these women. I had been down this road before. When I asked my ACOA-ex why she would always block my number, and not her cheating ex’s or her cheating father’s, she told me it was because she loved me. That was proof that she was blocking intimacy. She was keeping me at a safe distance.
Every time we got close, she would start a fight and make outlandish accusations. Whenever we had a good time, she would find a way to make it a bad memory. Sabotage was in her bones and yet she still blames me.
Neither of these women allowed me to walk away from the relationship. Because they wanted to be the one who walked away. To normal people, that seems like such a petty detail. But to a troubled woman, it’s everything. They MUST be the one who broke up with you. They will lure you back just to be the one who walks away.
My ego let me believe they wanted me to stay. But they were just playing me , stringing me along until such time that they could find a suitable replacement. Usually that means finding some clueless Joe who has no idea what’s coming. Once they have that safety net, you will be shocked how cold and callous they become.
But don’t be shocked. That was never love. These troubled women would never allow that. Intimacy triggers their self-defense mechanisms aka sabotage mode. They will blame you. But the evidence is in their string of failed relationships. They have a talent for pushing men away, because that is how they learned to avoid emotional pain.
A runaway is a coward who doesn’t have the courage to face her fears of intimacy. So she concocts stories to cover her trail. Because all trails lead back to her and her traumatic past. Her problems began long before she met you.
January 13, 2015
It’s a bit of a cliche. But I can tell you daddy issues are real. Show me a woman who had a bad father and I will show you a woman who struggles with intimacy.
I never really thought about alcoholism until I started dating daughters of alcoholics. I grew up with parents who hardly touched the stuff. My dad can’t even finish a whole beer.
I have since learned that alcoholism is just the tip of the iceberg- a symptom of a much bigger problem.
When a woman tells you that alcoholism has been in her family for generations she might be telling you that her family has a history of personality disorders and self-medication.
When she tells you about family drama, she is telling you that she was conditioned for chaos. And her behavior will reflect that.
Expect her to be a drama queen. Expect her to start a fight at inopportune moments and carry a grudge like you wouldn’t believe.
My father was less than perfect. Moody as hell. But I appreciate the fact that he did not drink. It would have made his mood swings even worse.
So I can only imagine what it is like to live in a household where addiction is ever-present. The instability would cause anyone to fear abandonment.
Some of these women also witnessed infidelity in their families. My parents fought a lot. It was distressing to see my parents scream at each other. Maybe even traumatic.
But as bad as things got, they would find a way to work it out. I was grateful that neither of them cheated on each other. Because I have seen how parental infidelity can create terrible insecurities.
The last woman I dated was obsessed with infidelity. Scarred by it, really. She witnessed it as child and then experienced it in her adulthood. She often accused me of it.
One time, she came over and I was doing my laundry. She suspected that, because I was washing my bed sheets, I must have slept with another woman. Every woman I knew was a suspect. She assumed I slept with everyone.
She claimed she had a sixth sense about these things. But it is more accurate to say that she was traumatized and this made her hyper-sensitive. Delusional at times. Constantly looking for evidence of my infidelity. It got old, quick.
This behavior only made me keep my distance. I ended the relationship many times because it was incessant. Not because I wanted to sleep with other women. I was satisfied in that department. It was the emotional department that made me wonder if I deserved better.
I kept my distance because she was moody and quick-tempered. She could be sweet and loving one minute and then one wrong word would cause her to flip out. It reminded me too much of my last borderline ex.
Every time she shut me out and blocked my number, I withdrew even more. She did that so many times I can’t even count. And then she wonders why I wouldn’t commit and why I kept putting on the brakes.
In an effort to make me feel guilty, she told me she tried so hard to love me. But she is delusional. I told her over and over again she needed to work on her issues first.
She didn’t visit a therapist until after I broke up with her for the last time. And that was only so she could complain about MY issues. Not hers.
I was not shy about telling her about my concerns. But she ignored them. Rarely did she ever apologize for all the horrible fits of rage or passive-aggressive tactics.
Under these circumstance how could she claim that she tried to make it work? How could she expect me to take the relationship seriously?
Every time she would block my number, I’d go out and try to forget about her. I wasn’t going to sit home and feel sorry for myself or wait by the phone until she felt like calling me again.
But according to her, that was evidence that I was unfaithful. Because if I was faithful, I would have continued to call a number that was blocked. I was to sit obediently in the doghouse. No thanks.
Time and time again, I took her back, hoping she would see the error of her ways. But that only served to reinforce her bad habits. It said that no matter how badly she behaved I would always take her back.
I did this because whenever my parents fought, my dad would take my mom back and forget anything that was said. This was my horrible model for relationships.
The fear of rejection is strong in the woman I recently broke up with. She claims I don’t communicate with her properly. But in reality, she doesn’t listen when I say things she doesn’t want to hear. She does not take criticism well.
Every time I would talk about her past or point out her daddy issues, she would accuse me of verbal abuse. And then made the suggestion that anyone capable of verbal abuse was also capable of physical abuse.
That was a huge red flag for me. I knew this relationship was doomed when she started making wild accusations and suppositions.
I had seen this act before and I knew it would not end well. I knew this was a woman addicted to victimhood.
You would think that she would be happy to finally learn why she acts the way she does. But she probably has no
idea. When you grow up dysfunctional,
that is normal for you.
She has serious daddy issues. A daddy who once kicked her out of the house because he didn’t like the guy she was dating. This is where she gets her fear of abandonment/rejection.
But she insists that she and her father have made amends. She was so desperate for his love, she donated a kidney when his failed. In essence, she was always looking for the love she did not get as a child. It took one of her organs to get her heart’s desire.
I suppose that is why I attract women like this. I give them the love and affection they never got as a child.
A child raised by neglectful parents is like a person who hasn’t eaten for days. They are starved for attention. They will call you everyday, text you every hour. Until they block you and tell you to move the fuck on.
When that childhood fear of abandonment creeps up, then look out. You will see the darkside. You will feel the sharp pain of someone stabbing you in the back and then wiping you from existence. This is their form of justice. Abandonment is in their blood.
Fight and flight. These are the two modes of operation for a woman with daddy issues. A woman who uses either tactic as a weapon is a silent abuser.
She is lying if she says she isn’t trying to hurt you. She is in denial because she doesn’t want to acknowledge how much she is hurting you.
She is in too much pain to think about yours. Pain that causes her to over-react and blow things out of proportion.
The truth is part of her IS punishing you for re-awakening feelings she has worked very hard to forget.
Women with unresolved (untreated) daddy issues are reluctant to punish their fathers. So instead, they punish you. You are the surrogate. You are the punching bag. Whatever toxic hatred they have built up over a lifetime is now unleashed upon you.
It’s not just women either. I have seen the effects of alcoholic/abusive fathers on men as well. The effects are identical. We can no longer deny the effect that alcoholism and abuse have on children. We must learn to recognize the signs of ACOA and BPD.
We are all reluctant to say we had bad parents. But none of us would be in this situation if that were NOT the case.
I’m not talking about blaming parents for doing a shitty job. I’m talking about acknowledging the harm that has been done and then taking measures to treat the harm.
Because these disorders are both traumatic and contagious. Without aggressive and lengthy treatment, it will spread like a virus ruining one life after another. Until we say enough is enough.
Anybody walking around with an untreated head wound would be considered crazy. But we witness people walking around with emotional trauma and we say nothing. We shrug our shoulders as if we expect such trauma to heal itself.
ACOAs and BPs are not evil. The last woman I dated was a wonderful person. At times, she was very supportive and sensitive to my needs. That’s why I loved her. But she was too sensitive and that made it feel like walking across a minefield.
When you are in love with someone you try to make it work. It’s just terribly frustrating when you realize there is nothing you can do… except cut your losses.
December 30, 2014
My ACOA ex often told me about her little niece. A little girl who could be sweet and cuddly but also very temperamental. She said that her niece couldn’t stand criticism and took it very personally.
Her niece would lash out at you if you made her mad because she thought you were trying to hurt her. I laughed and said, “hmmm, sounds like someone I know.” My ACOA ex did not like that at all. But that only made me laugh harder. She knew I was right.
The mind of an emotionally unstable person is like the mind of a child. If you leave that person for a week to go on a business trip, they flip out and assume you are abandoning them.
Then they find a way to punish you, usually in a passive-aggressive manner. Sometimes that means sleeping with a rando guy and “letting it slip out” that they’re sleeping with another guy. This is the mind of someone who has suffered arrested development- the mind of a child.
My ACOA ex could be adorable when she wanted to be. She looked at the world like a child seeing the world for the first time. Especially, trees. She loved trees. Whenever I hugged her, she would fold her arms up under mine and look up at me.
That child-like quality was her most endearing quality. There was an innocence to that. But she could also be a spoiled brat. She loved my attention and lashed out at me if I did not give all of it. She would block my number and tell me never to contact her, like a pouting child slamming the door of her bedroom.
This was normal to her. She expected me to be ok with this. I was not. So she found someone else, hoping he would be ok with it. This is the mind of a child.
December 28, 2014
Susan seems to think so. I would agree. Here’s her story:
I had a similar story with a BPD man (undiagnosed, as far as I know.)
I believe my Mom has BPD (waif type, not raging) or if not diagnosable, is on that spectrum. A life time of dealing with her many quirks blinded me to some of the early signals of BPD in him. Stuff that was ‘normal’ to me in my childhood, but that should have alerted me. It also made me vulnerable to his idealization. Finally my “goodness” was recognized and lauded.
It’s like they have a script for you– no matter what you do, there is a script of failure and disaster. It’s all about being in control. If they don’t really love you they have ‘control,’ because you can’t hurt them, and if they do love you it is pure terror– because losing you could be so devastating. Hence devaluation. If you are a caring person who tries to help/understand, they will be triggered even worse, and will need to control everything right into the ground. There is so much self hate that they cannot imagine any scenario where they could actually receive loyalty and love. You HAVE to be a bad abandoner. No other sort of person exists.
I see the whole thing as acting out non-verbally what was done to them in babyhood. “Someone important was supposed to love me but I was betrayed and punished and could never figure out the rules to please them. This person made me feel foolish and humiliated for trusting them or ever believing they loved me. This person withdrew and hurt me to gain control. And there has never been a resolution or repair. And I deeply loved this person, which is why I got so hurt.”
My ex is a quiet borderline. He didn’t yell or berate me. But he could not tolerate being seen behind his facade. The minute I glimpsed the hidden stuff– no matter that I had love and empathy– he was gone in a puff of smoke. No validation. No kindness. All my fault– I was cut out, blamed, and hated. Very very painful.
The terror in the center of them takes over, and causes them to smash up anything that has the glimmer of being important, valuable, and real. What a hell to live in.
I feel like idealization phase is the BPD operating in a “fearless” mode of childlike hope– feeling like “Finally I will be happy.” When that magic state doesn’t/can’t last, the terror/devaluation kicks in because you have swindled them…you were supposed to save them, but the fears are back, telling them they are not safe.
I see idealization as somewhat less phony than some commenters do.
I believe the person I saw at the beginning WAS real, just that the fear and internal rage he mostly suffers from had been temporarily pushed out of his consciousness. I feel like that person I was first exposed to is fairly close to who he would become if he got help and could downsize his inordinate fears. I feel like I saw the two opposite ends of the ‘scale’ of him, which are both real, and that the middle of the scale is one big void.
I do reach out from time to time, and it doesn’t seem to help, but I’d rather err on the side of not participating in his self hate. I think it’s a tragedy what abuse does to children and the brokenness and lifetime of pain that results.