How a Narcissist Justifies Acting Like an Asshole

April 7, 2011

This graph just posted by Shady McDoyle. I nearly fell on the floor laughing.

With one graph she is attempting to announce how important she is AND justify acting like an unhinged bitch. Impressive. I asked her to substantiate her opinions with facts and she gives me graphs like this. (eyes rolling)

She attacks and judges people she doesn’t even know… she charges into any given situation with her big mouth and unhinged rage… she antagonizes people instead of trying to understand the situation and yet she attributes her low approval ratings to her high visibility, her fame and amazing popularity. She is even hated by fellow feminists and activists, and yet she still thinks she is fighting for social justice.

I hate to be redundant, but this bears repeating- people like Shady and my Ex fight only for themselves. They are not feminists. They are not liberals. They are not social warriors. They are narcissists. Regardless of where they lie on the political spectrum, they are no different than the Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs of the world. They all use the guise of activism to bolster their egos and sense of self-importance. These people don’t care about society. They don’t care about justice. They care only about themselves and how people perceive them. This is what this graph illustrates.

Contrary to what most people believe, narcissism is not born of self-love. It is actually someone compensating for self-hatred. Why do you think Limbaugh is addicted to oxcontin? Because he’s a happy well-adjusted chap? A narcissist is a person who experiences so much internal pain, they can only think of themselves. A person who has such low self-esteem, they must spend every waking minute trying to draw attention to themselves. They create delusions of grandeur to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.

It never occurs to people like Shady or my Ex that their piss-poor behavior is the reason why people hate them so much. So rather than change their behavior, they chalk it up to jealousy. People are just jealous of their fame and fabulous success. But despite these sad attempts at self-delusion, eventually the hate gets to them. Shady would not have posted this graph, unless she was feeling the pain of self-awareness. This graph is a band-aid. It’s Shady patting Shady on the head. It turns out that narcissism is just another form of denial.

Here’s what Wiki has to say about destructive narcissism:

  • An unrealistic sense of superiority (“Grandiose“)
  • Pursues power at all costs, lacks normal inhibitions in its pursuit
  • Concerns limited to expressing socially appropriate response when convenient
  • devalues and exploits others without remorse
  • Lacks values; easily bored; often changes course
  • Traumatic childhood undercutting true sense of self-esteem and/or learning that he/she doesn’t need to be considerate of others.

8 Responses to “How a Narcissist Justifies Acting Like an Asshole”

  1. savorydish said

    Realize that if people like Shady and my Ex were capable of being considerate to others, blogs like this wouldn’t be necessary. What goes around comes around.

    Sadly, people who have been traumatized their whole life experience too much pain to acknowledge the pain they have caused others.

    That’s where denial comes in. The transfer of blame and shame, an emotional game of Hot Potato. The guilty party often runs away from the crime scene. The guilty have a history of running away.

  2. savorydish said

    My beef is not with feminism or activism. But in my pursuit of understanding narcissistic borderlines, I have discovered a lot of them hiding amongst these movements.

    It’s a clever disguise if you think about it. It inflates their sense of self-importance and takes the focus off their destructive behavior. It’s sort of like the old days, when people use to declare war in the name of God.

  3. Penelope said

    This isn’t so much on the topic of today’s post but more along the lines of all your posts concerning a devastating relationship with a BPD that yes, has narcissistic characteristics too. Would there be any reason to attend a function I know my BPD ex will be at? It’s been a year since I broke up with him and we have not had ANY contact since then. I told my friend I want to go to the function and stand tall to prove he didn’t affect me in the least, a little vindication maybe but I just feel really confused thinking about it considering I finally thought I was back on my feet. Any thoughts would be appreciated but I probably already know the answer.

    • savorydish said

      Hi Penelope,

      It sounds like you already know the answer, but the thing is- if you’re going to the event to prove something, he’ll know it and you’ll know it. Even if it does have the intended effect, it won’t be as satisfying as you think it will be. My ex tried to make me feel jealous all the time. But it only made her feel more shame. It will probably make you feel like crap too. And it will be proof that he still has a hold on you.

      The reality is he probably does have a hold on you. But that’s ok. It’s understandable that you should feel confused. Narcissistic BPs have that effect on people. I know it feels like salt in your wounds. All the more reason to avoid these kinds of people all together. I’ve been where you are at right now. And the best thing that I did for myself was write and read about these disorders. This will help you break the hold he has over you. Because right now you are still seeing him through rose-colored glasses. The key is to get to the point where you can see him for who he really is. You’ll know you have moved on when you no longer fantasize about bumping into him. I actually dread bumping into my ex now. But it wasn’t always like this.

      When you get to where I’m at, you’ll be wondering what you saw in him. Because you’ll see his disorder, not the person you thought you fell in love with. The point of maintaining this blog was to get myself to the point where I am viscerally disgusted by such a relationship. The most satisfying experience you can have is the feeling of freedom. You can stand tall regardless of whether or not you go to the event. But it takes work and time. Give yourself that time.

      Good Luck.

      • Penelope said

        Thanks for your comments…

        So did my BPD know what he was doing?

        We never talked about the affliction of BPD like you and your ex did. That you knew there was something wrong in your relating and it was talked about.

        I knew nothing about BPD, narcissism etc. until I had been thrown under the bus by it.

        What broke us up was a series of inexplicable lies I found out about and when we tried to talk about them he continued to lie even though now, in hindsight I think he was desperately trying to hold on to me.

        I was also split black during this time, didn’t know that is what it was, but I got out first which in hindsight is a consolation.

        In recovering from this relationship of 19 months, I have discovered the work of Alice Miller. This work has helped
        to pinpoint my issues in relationships but I also see BPD in her writings as well. I therefore think that my ex BPD was more psychically ill than I am and I’m not sure he is even aware of it.

        For instance, we never discussed that we had relationship issues(we seemed to get along famously though he discussed others he had issues with) until the fateful lies were discovered and the end came quickly after that.

        So in other words does he know what he’s doing to people or can you just slash and burn through people’s lives(not just me but his work colleagues, family, commitments, etc.) and not get it that it is you that is responsible for the mayhem in your life… did he know what he was doing?

      • savorydish said

        Hey Penelope,

        I too knew nothing about BPD until I was thrown under the bus. All the conversations I had with my ex were about the effects of her rape. We assumed that all her issues were because of that one traumatic event. However as I got to know her, I began suspecting her family was the source of her troubles. She had mentioned that her family had a long history of physical and mental illness. She had grown up in an abusive environment. And alcoholism runs deep in her family as well. At the time, I knew nothing of BPD. I was unable to connect the dots. I just figured that all of these were separate but compounding issues. It wasn’t until months after the relationship abruptly ended… months after I had committed myself to exhaustive research did I realize this was all part of the BPD package.

        Just like you, our relationship deteriorated when I began catching her in a series of lies. But rather than own up to her lies, she turned the tables on me. And accused me of being controlling and abusive. When she sensed that I was distancing myself, she used these as reasons for pushing me away and for cheating on me. Mind games like this are second nature to a borderline. It’s instinctual. Most of the time, they are not trying to hurt you. Because it comes naturally to them. They are mimicking the abusive patterns they observed as a child. They are replaying the drama of their youth.

        Do borderlines know what they’re doing? There’s no easy answer for that, because borderlines float in and out of reality. They float in and out of self-awareness. Especially if they are trauma survivors. They are also products of arrested development. Like small children, they need to be reminded when their actions are not appropriate or hurtful. Until they acknowledge their disorder and begin treatment, they will be in the dark.

        In the beginning, they will show much greater self-awareness because they are still in the process of luring you in. They want you to believe they are working on themselves. Some are sincere, but many more are not. But, as you noted, once you are split black, awareness is thrown out the window. At this point the fear of abandonment is running the show. Self-awareness becomes too painful. They will detach or disassociate from you. Denial becomes imperative for survival. They will lash out in cruel ways but not even realize it till after the fact. They bury remorse deep where no one can find it, not even themselves.

        On some level your ex probably does know what he’s done. But in order to avoid pain, he most likely has re-written history to make himself believe that he was justified. I assume he probably devalued the relationship and demonized you. Maybe accused you of being crazy? Borderlines can slash and burn through people. They can detach at the flick of a switch. They have the ability to move from one victim to another. While their ex-lovers are aching, they have already moved onto the next one with out skipping a beat. This is the benefit of running on shallow emotions and false pretenses of love.

        But eventually their conscience will catch up with them. Notice how much effort borderlines put into rationalizing their actions. That is the borderline fighting their conscience. It’s a losing battle. There’s a reason why substance abuse and suicide is so common amongst borderlines. Be assured that, as much as you are hurting, he is probably hurting more. He has probably been hurting his whole life and will continue to do so. Just be glad you are no longer part of that suffering.

        I hope that answers your question.

  4. savorydish said

    Feminist journalists like Shady and my ex write to clear their conscience. Their postings resemble propaganda and self-promotion, because of the way they bend the “facts” to flatter their egos.

    • savorydish said

      If this graph illustrates anything, it illustrates this- silent abusers and rageoholics always have an excuse for their bad behavior. Their mind is so twisted they can justify even the most inexcusable behavior.

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