How Do You Define Rape?

My borderline ex recently tweeted this question. It’s an important question, because sexual assault is something that needs to be talked about.  But it’s a troubling question when you are talking about someone who has borderline personality disorder.

It’s a troubling question because it suggests that the circumstances behind her rape are questionable. It’s a horrible thing to consider, but borderline personality disorder brings everything into question.

According to her, it happened at a college party. According to her, she was drugged by an acquaintance.  According to her, she lost consciousness and woke up with this man on top of her. The first thing out of her mouth: “Did I agree to this?” That’s a pretty horrific story to recount. But what’s even more horrific is that she doesn’t remember whether she gave consent or not.

This is significant when talking about BPD, because borderlines often suffer from impaired memories. They are also notorious for altering memories to avoid the crushing blow of reality. Which may be why they are often seen as being compulsive liars. But they are, in fact, self-preservationists. And sometimes self-preservation means re-writing history to cope with trauma.

At the time, I believed her story. Who would make up such a thing? But I have since learned of what she is capable of. She is not the woman I thought I fell in love with. She is screwed up beyond belief and it scares me to think what she is capable of. I’ve seen her twist the truth without any thought or effort. Was this story one of her half-truths?

Is it possible that she was embarrassed by her drunken behavior? And if so, did she merely choose the best possible scenario to put her in the best possible light. That is to say if you had a choice between being a victim of rape or confronting your shame, wouldn’t you choose the option that made you less responsible?

One has to consider that she is a histrionic borderline. And as such, she will do anything to get attention, even negative attention. She will create drama because she craves it. She will play the victim because this is how you elicit sympathy from people. When you consider all of this, it makes the story a little more murky.

When someone fears abandonment as much as a borderline, you will be surprised by what they will say to make sure you never leave them. One must bear in mind that she only confessed her rape to me, because I was about to walk out the door. Playing the victim was her way of pulling me back in. She often played the sympathy card and it worked every time. Her rape was the excuse she used for her bad temper and abusive behavior. This is how she was able to get away with so much.

My ex doesn’t consider herself an alcoholic. To be fair, she doesn’t drink a lot. But when she does, the change is quite alarming. She becomes emotionally detached and she has no boundaries. This spells all kinds of trouble. The fact is when you can’t remember whether or not you agreed to have sex with someone, that is a sign of hardcore alcoholism. Alcoholism is very common amongst borderlines. Some scientists believe both disorders share common pathways in the brain.

Sexual assault is also very common amongst borderlines, especially if they’ve been traumatized in the past. It is a disorder that makes you blind to dangers. Advocacy groups want you to believe rape is a totally random act that can happen to anybody. And while that may be partially true. The truth is the presence of BPD and alcoholism greatly increases the likelihood.

Predators are very particular about their prey. Like all cowards, they prey on the weak and sometimes that means people who are crippled by trauma or personality disorders. If that person has a history of promiscuous behavior and out-of-control drinking, then that person becomes an easy target for all sorts of creeps.

Am I assigning blame to the survivors of rape? No. I am assigning blame to a disorder that puts people at risk. Borderlines are constantly placing themselves in harms way. It is part of their self-destructive nature.  Sure, that guy she was with has to answer for his shady behavior. But what is she doing hanging out with guys who have sex with unconscious women? Borderlines are bad judges of character. This is a product of their upbringing and impaired cognitive abilities. This is another disturbing side effect of BPD. Given a choice, borderlines surround themselves with sketchy people and push away those who care for them.

She used to joke that she expected me to be a douche, because most of the guys she dated were total assholes. To her surprise, I treated her like a princess, she returned the favor by treating me like shit. She antagonized me until I responded in kind, so that she could finally prove I was indeed as terrible as she expected me to be. When you treat people badly, how do you expect them to respond? Borderlines are victims of their own self-fulfilling prophecies. When you expect the worst in people, that’s what you get. When borderlines are not gravitating towards bad people, they are bringing out the worst in good people.

It’s ironic that, while she is in firm denial about her BPD, she is entirely comfortable talking about her rape. This indicates to me that she is comfortable playing the victim, but not yet ready to accept responsibility for her own behavior.

But the truth is her behavior is a product of her disorder. Her rape may also have been a product of her disorder. To address her rape and ignore her BPD, is to ignore the bigger issue here. When you talk about BPD, you are talking about a person who is destined for tragedy. I’m all about increasing the dialogue about rape, but let’s include a dialogue about a disorder that increases the likelihood of rape.