Can a Borderline Sustain a Relationship?

December 5, 2010

Can a borderline personality make a relationship work? When I listen to Skye’s stories my heart breaks all over again. I want to tell her that it will all work out. I want to say it will work out because she has two kids. Because I know the failure of her marriage would be devastating for everyone involved. But the fact is people with BPD have a hard time with intimacy. Without intimacy, you just have two people going through the motions. And that’s on a good day. Here are some thoughts from David Oliver, the founder of BorderlineCentral.com:

The fact is, a person in the throes of Borderline Personality Disorder is incapable of adult emotional intimacy, because the very nature of the disorder decrees that they have not matured enough emotionally to the degree that is required to have emotionally healthy adult intimacy. They are caught in a cycle of emotional Push/Pull, or “love-hate.”

One of the major characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder is that those with the disorder will push away the very people they love (need) the most. This stems from child abuse or abandonment they suffered at an early stage of development, which led to them having Borderline Personality Disorder in the first place …

… Another reason why your relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder will be such a stormy one is that they will have the unrealistic expectation of you that you can take care of them, when the reality is that they cannot even take care of themselves. Another characteristic of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is that they are needy and demanding. Again, however, with the push/pull cycle, they will seem needy and demanding one minute, and push you away the next minute (even as you try to meet their needs). They will seem to seek intimacy, yet at the same time they will reject that same intimacy, sometimes with anger and rage that you cannot understand. They can’t understand it, either…

I know these are harsh words for a borderline’s delicate ear, but they must be reiterated. I hesitate to post it, because I hate to discourage people like Skye when they are already struggling. But maybe it will help people understand that it’s not entirely their fault. BPD is powerfully destructive force that was forged long before a person has even met his/her borderline partner. So it is unreasonable to think that these forces can be wrangled under control before the borderline has had a chance to fully recover. But there is hope:

… The only way a person with Borderline Personality Disorder can change their destructive behavior is to seek help – they need psychotherapy; specifically, a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is designed to help people with this disorder.

Over time, it is possible for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to become better; perhaps, even, to maintain an emotionally healthy adult relationship, if they are willing to seek help for their disorder, and if they are willing to change their destructive behaviors. Until a certain amount of healing is done, and insight achieved through help from a qualified therapist, someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is just not capable of emotional intimacy.

This is why it’s so important to raise awareness about BPD. So that people can avoid rushing into relationships they can’t handle. To get involved in a relationship before healing, can only spell disaster for everyone involved. In a perfect world, a borderline would avoid serious relationships until after they have recovered. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world where a borderline’s fear of being alone is as great as their fear of intimacy. Another one of life’s cruel jokes.

If you’re already in a committed BPD relationship, I wish you luck. Your only chance of survival depends on the borderline continuing treatment. But the partner of a borderline has to be willing to put up with the emotional rollercoaster in the meantime. Most therapists aren’t even trained to deal with BPD. How can we expect the average person to cope? Not to mention the fact that most borderlines go out of their way to choose partners who are incapable of ever meeting their impossible needs.

Many times borderlines choose partners in the heat of the moment. They choose partners that resemble their parents. Parents who were most likely in a loveless marriage, one filled with chaos and turmoil.  Parents who either abandoned them, were emotionally unavailable or abused them. They choose bad boys or femme fatales, thinking that they will magically transform into the perfect spouse. They choose partners who have that badass attitude they so love and then expect that person to be loving and nurturing.

Or if they happen to stumble upon a nice person who cares for them, they find away to push them away. Nice people just aren’t a borderline’s “type”. Eventually, they will become bored, because a BP craves conflict and tension. And will create it, if none of this drama exists. Their self-esteem is so low, they think someone must be defective to love them. In other words, if a partner treats a borderline with kindness, a borderline will pay him/her back with abusive behavior. Eventually, a borderline will probably cut him/her out of his/her life.  A borderline has a way of antagonizing even the most faithful of lovers. This is how a person behaves when they fear intimacy.

Yes, you are suppose to be together “in sickness and in health”, but I don’t think the author of those words was thinking about BPD when he/she wrote that.

224 Responses to “Can a Borderline Sustain a Relationship?”

  1. Susan said

    I just wanted to say thanks for posting info about BPD. I came across your website while researching BPD. (I recently ended a very brief, intense relationship with someone whom I suspect has BPD – - she’s undiagnosed and obviously in denial).

    Although I know that I did the right thing by leaving, I still have doubts, because the destructive behavior at the end of our relationship just doesn’t make any sense to me.

    Our ‘honeymoon’ period/phase was amazing; after the brief honeymoon phase, things quickly deteriorated. My head is still spinning from the completely irrational accusations that were hurled at me on a weekly basis. I spent much of my time and energy trying to prove how much I loved her and that I was trustworthy. After feeling run-down, rejected and exhausted, I had to flee for good, to protect myself. Apparently, I couldn’t do anything “right” – - calling or texting at the “wrong” time, from my cell phone instead of my home phone (to her, calling from a cell phone meant you were cheating, I guess). She accused me of having affairs with friends and even doubted and dismissed any proof I provided to calm her down (yes, even phone records). That was enough to prove to me that I was in a no-win situation. She would continually need to irrationally “split” me black, anytime I got too close. It was becoming too painful for me, so I had no choice but to leave.

    I feel silly and foolish for missing her, or missing what we shared in the beginning, which I (sadly) realize now was an illusion. That’s been the hardest thing for me to accept.

    My ex hinted at and joked about having OCD, but I’m sure there’s a lot she kept hidden from me. Knowing about her OCD and possible ADHD is what lead me to info about BPD. When I came across the symptoms of BPD, is when I had my “lightbulb” moment – - it described her exact behavior.

    Thanks again for the info you’re sharing. It really is helpful to people who are healing/getting over and trying to accept and make sense of why people with BPD can be so cruel and destructive.

    Best Wishes,
    Susan

    • savorydish said

      Thank you so much for the kind words, Susan.

      I’m always happy to hear my posts are helping others. But to be honest, I started writing about BPD for myself. I knew something wasn’t right. And I had to find answers. Not the answers I was getting from my ex, her friends and her family. I now know that their answers are the warped thinking of BPs. BPs are very good at spinning stories and twisting reality. I had to set the record straight. Like you, I am comforted by other people’s stories, because it confirms all my suspicions. That’s why I want to share what I’ve learned.

      This blog didn’t start out as a blog about BPD. But like you my world was turned upside down by a BP. Not so much because of the break up but because of how horribly my ex treated me towards the end. Like you, we had an amazing relationship. But now all those wonderful memories have been tarnished because of her need to destroy all evidence of our past. It is a dreadful feeling to have loved someone, only to have them betray your trust. I feel your pain.

      I know what it’s like to feel foolish for missing someone who essentially abused you. Yes, we are survivors of abuse. You’re not foolish for missing the good times. And it’s understandable why you tolerated the bad times. We are caretakers. A good soul would never toss aside a person because they are mentally ill. As BPD survivors, we put up with so much BS in hopes that we can make things better. Partners of BPs are really the most understanding and compassionate people. More than anybody will ever know. More than the BP gives us credit for. Anybody else would have ran after the first few dates (I almost did).

      But BPs are masters of seduction. They are very good at hiding their illness. They are very good at making you believe they are remorseful. They have mastered the art of pulling people into their drama. They appeal to your vanity by acting like they need to be saved. And then they resent you for helping them. It is this push and pull mind game that makes you feel crazy. But you aren’t crazy. You’re being emotionally tossed around. You are drained, you are hurt and you have been robbed of your dignity. BPs are notorious for this kind of vicious but silent abuse.

      Like you, I wasn’t aware of BPD until it was too late. I knew she was a rape survivor. I suspected she was bipolar. But it wasn’t until I did more digging, that I found out about BPD. Like you, I finally felt like all the pieces of the puzzle had finally come together (my lightbulb moment). It was a small consolation prize, but it was something. It helped me understand there was a reason for all this madness.

      I wish you the best, Susan. And I commend you for having the strength to end that abusive relationship. Your doubts are normal, a BP is good at brainwashing their loved ones. But you’re right, a BP relationship is a no-win situation. Especially, if the BP is undiagnosed, untreated, and has no idea how sick they are. She is a lost cause and you are much better off without her. She doesn’t deserve you. She will find someone else who is more easily manipulated. And you will find someone who doesn’t have that kind of emotional baggage.

      I truly believe our lessons will help others. Untreated BPs are repeat offenders. Friends and family of BPs are enablers who cover up their tracks and allow them to go on abusing others. So the only way we can stop this cycle of abuse is to make more people aware. We need to make BPs aware of their abusive behavior. But we also need to bring awareness to the masses. We need to send a clear message to BPs that this type of behavior will not be tolerated. We live in a time where help is available, but BPs need to get that help.

      Take care of yourself, Susan. And feel free to share your stories of recovery.

      • Dominique said

        Here I am looking for answers on my own behavioral problems, and I am now afraid that a I may have BPD. I do see my patterns and destructive manners but could never figure them out. The only reason why I started this research is to save my relationship and become a better lover and mother. I can’t imagine being without love for the rest of my life due to the fact that I may have BPD. Yes, I have major issues, but don’t I deserve to be loved and not be called a manipulator and a liar. I am a person with real feelings and needs…I want a healthy relationship. If my partner reads your articles he will surely give up. I am glad that the message is out, and that people are aware of dangerous relationships due to mental illness, but what about individuals such as myself who truly notices a major issue in their behavior and want to end the cycle? Is anyone going to believe my words anymore or am I doomed for life? I hope to god that I do not have BPD…sadly I think I do.

      • savorydish said

        Dominique,
        We all deserved to be loved. But if you’re an untreated borderline you are putting the ones you love at risk, at risk of emotional harm. Does that mean you are never to find love? No. It means you must seek treatment before you can find love. You are responsible for the well-being of the other person when you enter a relationship. You are not doomed for life if you seek treatment. Be well.

      • savorydish said

        What you deserve is treatment. You deserve to get better. If you truly love your family, you’d be more concerned about getting help than being abandoned. Don’t you think your family deserves to know the truth about you? If they love you, they will help you through the process of healing. But they must decide whether or not to weather the storm. But first they must know the truth. You must be your own source of strength and not rely on your family to be your crutch or your punching bag. Confronting the truth is the only way to clear your conscience.

      • Chris said

        I would like to leave a reply. I have BPD (35 yr old male) and feel I am particularly self aware in general. Your quote “making you believe they are remorseful” is missing the point. We are remorseful to no end. It just gets lost in translation or never expressed. I am an extremely sensitive human being who wants the best not just for me. My relationships have been devastating (I’ve never cheated or wanted to, but the push pull cycle is relentless). Intellectually, I know it is a defense mechanism. But you can intellectually know you have the flu, doesn’t necessarily affect how you feel or react to the flu.

        Please, know that among us are some really good people not meaning any harm to our love ones. For many of us, its just the opposite. It causes tremendous agony when we harm others. And we don’t let go of the guilt that we have harmed others. Years after the other has long forgotten. Please remember that part of BPD is derived from over-sensitivity. Those feelings of guilt re-fire over and over again…even after years/decades (for a person we might have harmed as far back as high school).

        BPD describes the symptoms of a dysfunction, not an individual who also is every bit as human as you.

      • i really wish people would stop self diagnosing themselves. if your that concerned go to a doctor. dont diagnose your ex as having bpd just because theyre crazy

    • savorydish said

      BTW my ex also constantly accused me of being unfaithful. She cheated on me twice. Borderlines project their infidelity onto their partners as a way of avoiding shame. The more of an issue she is making of cheating, the more you should be suspicious of her. This is partly her insecurity but it is also her way of shifting blame. This is proof a borderline will do anything to sabotage a relationship. Your feelings are the least of her concern. You were smart to get out.

      • Susan said

        Thank YOU for your kind words. I really needed to hear all of that.

        It will pass, but I do feel guilty for ending the relationship. I loved her and didn’t want things to end, especially in such an abrupt and bad way. I feel like I had no choice, like I literally had to run for cover. (Telling her I had dinner with a friend triggered our last fight…not over the phone, or in person. Instead, she refused to talk to me, yet sent me a barrage of hostile E-Mails over a 24 hour period, one uglier than the next.) I was hurt, emotionally exhausted and sleep-deprived. That was enough for me to pull the plug.

        It doesn’t feel good, knowing that she hates me now and is blaming me for the demise of our relationship, but I have to remember that she was already hating me and being hostile BEFORE I decided to leave. Her pattern of behavior would only happen again and again if I stayed…especially since she wasn’t getting help.

        Thanks for sharing your research, knowledge and experiences. It helps to hear that I’m not alone – - that (sadly) many people have had similar experiences and understand how confusing and painful it is when someone you love turns on you and becomes hostile.

        Writing my above experience helped me clear some confusion. What happened was so irrational and bizarre that seeing it in print is proof and a reminder to me that it DID actually happen. Yes, the person I loved really was that cruel to me. Maybe unintentionally (since she’s not in treatment), but cruel nonetheless.

      • Jane said

        Thank you Chris. I’ve recently been diagnosed with bpd. I still don’t entirely believe the diagnosis, though I haven’t had much time to process it. I came across this page while doing some reading on bpd. I agree with everything Chris said and would also like to make a request to the author and others. Please stop referring to people who have bpd as the disorder itself (I.e. bps do this, bpds can’t do that). It is incredibly hurtful and not at all helpful. I can tell from your stories that you are hurt and upset, but that language is not helpful for anyone. Many people who have bpd will probably stumble upon this site, and the last thing we need is more guilt and to be made synonymous with our disorder. It is hard enough as it is to come to terms with the diagnosis and begin the healing process without it now being put forth as our identity. I am a person, not a disorder.

      • savorydish said

        When you are ready to accept your diagnosis and own your past then people will begin seeing you more as a person. But first you have to lose the victim complex.

        Read the post regarding Alyssa. Notice the difference between her attitude and yours.

        You were recently diagnosed and it sounds like you’re in denial. If I were you, I would worry less about what other people are writing about BPD and more about how you will take control of your disorder. You’ve got about 7 years of treatment in front of you and that will require all your attention.

      • Aspen said

        Is there a way to get in touch with Chris? I want to talk to him…he seems to be someone with BPD who makes sense..I think he’d help me understand a lot of what I went through with my horrific break up with a BPD.

      • savorydish said

        It would have to be Chris’s decision to contact you.

      • Christa said

        Savorydish, your reply to Jane was outright disrespectful. I read your article with interest and thought you were approaching the subject from a fairly unbiased, informative point of view. However, Jane only politely requested that you refer to her as a person instead of a disorder, and rightly so. I believe we all have the right to be addressed as human beings, not disorders. In fact, I have to wonder what your credibility is, as one of the first things you would learn in any university psychology class is that it is damaging to label people. In fact, some psychologists refuse to even put labels on their patients as they know it is not productive to therapy. All my psychology teachers (over the course of my four years of taking a psychology degree) have always spoken about their clients with respect and would always refer to them as people with disorders, never naming them by the disorder itself. In fact, they warned us against this. Perhaps you should do some more research before writing potentially damaging articles. And especially think about how you are coming across when you speak to a person suffering from BPD.

      • savorydish said

        If you are looking for a kinder gentler blog, this is not it. If you find our honesty too brutal then I suggest you not read this blog.

      • Jane said

        1) Thank you Christa for actually reading my post. I would like to reiterate that dehumanizing people who have mental disorders, or any other difference for that matter, is not helpful for the person being labeled or the person doing the labeling. I can tell from the stories on here that people are in a lot of pain. I am in no way trying to minimize or overlook people’s hurt or justify harmful/abusive behaviors. I am sorry that you have had these experiences, and I am glad that you are working to find healing. The only thing that I suggest is that dehumanizing language be avoided for the benefit of everybody–PEOPLE who have been hurt by PEOPLE who have bpd, PEOPLE who have bpd, PEOPLE who just want to know more about bpd.
        2) I told you absolutely nothing about my life so there is no way for you to know whether or not I am a person with bpd. Even if I had told you anything about my life, you are not a doctor/counselor/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist or other medical professional qualified to make this diagnosis. Being in a relationship with a person who has bpd and reading about bpd does not make you an expert on the disorder.
        3) I was in a processing and information-gathering stage when I found this blog. With something as important as health, it is important to take time to get more than one professional opinion and research the disorder and treatment possibilities from a variety of perspectives. People do this for knee surgery, diabetes, heart issues, etc., and in most of these cases the problem can be clearly identified using blood tests, xray, mri, etc. Why would I not take that same approach to bpd then?
        5) Continuing on that last point, I was reading this blog because I had already read medical/research/treatment information, so I was looking for personal stories and experiences from both people who have bpd and those who have been in relationships, romantic and otherwise, with people who have bpd. I would guess that was the case for people who have already visited and for some future visitors, as well.
        6) Honesty does not come at the expense of others.

      • savorydish said

        Nobody is being dehumanized here so I’m not sure what I can do for you.

      • Jane said

        http://m.dictionary.com/example/dehumanize

        Every time a person is referred to as letters instead of a human being it is a form of dehumanization. Even without the dictionary: de=removing from and -ization=process of. All together=process of removing from human. Calling people letters instead of people is therefore dehumanizing.

      • savorydish said

        Do you think the FBI or CEOs feel dehumanized? Or is it just people plagued with low self-worth?

      • Jane said

        Specifically of the verbal variety, though I think that’s pretty clearly implied, but thought I’d follow up for the sake of clarity.

      • savorydish said

        I think you need to spend more time working on yourself and less time worried about this little old blog. If you want people to see you as a human, start acting like one.
        Instead of policing the internet, open up and tell your story. Then people will see your humanity.

    • ChloeJane said

      I read with much attentiveness (being that I just took my medicine for my ADD…)the posting “Can a Borderline Sustain a Relationship?” and then in the same respect read your comment. At first, I only had intentions of responding to the post itself, however after reading your comment I am very compelled to now respond to both~ If you will, please allow me to clarify and shed light on your wonders and confusions of living with and loving someone with BPD. I, personally, struggle with BPD.

      I was finally correctly diagnosed in 2004 after suffering since childhood. Inside the mind of a person with BPD is a constant tornado of thoughts, images, sounds, contradicting oppinons, conspiacy theories, uncomfortable, always on guard, expect the unexpected…. It’s tormenting and painful. It’s confusing and at most times scarey. The really sad part is….I have BPD because of the abuse and trauma I was put through since early childhood.

      It was said how amazing to survive some of the things I have been through (to include the mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationships in my late teens and early twenties). But exactly how amazing is it if surviving all of that and then being cursed with an illness because of it and because of the illness and the effects it has on those we love it causes more pain and abandonment so we end up alone. Just like most of our abusers instilled in our minds…”Your worthless and NO ONE will EVER want you! No one can love you like I love you!” Their love was attached to the pain they inflicted upon me…in what ever form they chose.

      Now I am 30 and I definately had to toughen up and be defensive and protect myself. However, it is possible for one with BPD sustain a meaningful romantic relationship. It just takes someone who is very very patient, confident, and willing to be a part of their partners therapy and recovery (NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES) [Therapy for BPD is reccomended a minimum of 7 years- with signs of major marked improvement after 2-4 years of intense DPT and the correct medication(s)]. Just as someone who loves a person with a physical disablity or illness makes adjustments and works just a little bit harder because the relationship isn’t so simple, a person who loves someone with a mental issue or suffers from the effects of childhood trauma has to also have the same flexablity and understanding.

      Something brought the two together to begin with so why does there have to be an end when things get tough. Living with someone with Borderline is very difficult, confusing and often very painful for the partner….However, if you can compassionately understand no matter how much hell you may feel they are putting you through…they are going through so much more!

      The abuse i suffered through sticks in my mind so clearly I have the privledge of having it all repeated over and over in my head every day, constantly reminding me of the pain- No medicine, no therapy, and unfortunately no amount of love can ever take that away or stop it from happening. However…the true love of a patient and understanding partner would never claim they can imagine what it feels like, promise they can take the pain away, or insist it will “be ok”.

      The one with BPD will learn that the love of a partner won’t fix their problem or end their suffering but yet eventually find comfort in at least not having to sit in hell alone. I have been in a steady, loving relationship for almost a year now. I have unintentionally put my boyfriend through tests, tourture, and teasing… My moods shift back and forth so quickly he never really knows what to expect or when to expect it. One minute he gets the flirty fun loving sweet sexy girl friend and then when he tries to love on me or get too close too quickly I unexpectedly “split” and feel violated and angry.

      I accuse him of trying to trick me into giving sexual pleasure and that is all he even cares about. (*Its not a game or something we get kicks out of….its the actual way we feel which results in how we respond to the situation. When a memory is triggered, he is no longer my boyfriend, he is now my abuser in my mind. Which is scary and confusing for me when it happens) The more he insists his innocence and is unphased by the accusations and insults the more distant and angry I become.

      Fortunatly for me, my man is extremely tolerant, patient and supportive. He has adjusted his life and works towards a better understanding of my disorder. We have excellent communication and determination. Just as he tells me… I’m never going to learn love and trust until it is given to me completely and never threatened to be lost or taken away. THAT is NOT an option. No matter how many times I have “ended” our relationship or said I was “DONE” he held to and remind me… that isn’t an option with us. We are in it for the long haul.

      He says if I have to live the rest of my life fighting this (what feels like) never ending battle, going to therapy, taking medications, and part time living in a world I can’t seem to escape…well, then he will at least go through it with me. He says his world would be a far worse hell without me, why not sit in my hell together….And possibly end up healing so much in the end. I have so much respect for those who are willing to endure a little pain for the genuine love and committment of someone sufferimg from BPD~ I had so much unwanted pain inflicted on me- it wasn’t my choice to have bad people to bad things to me!

      Staying in a relationship with someone with BPD is NOT the same as staying with someone who is bad….You are staying with someone who linked love with pain. The more you give good love, the more they will hurt and push it away. Leaving because of the pain they caused you only proves they have endured much more pain and you could never protect them from the pain the continue to feel. Loving someone with an illness as severe as BPD takes a very strong and compassionate person…

      I am sorry for everything yall have been put through in your relationships…you described very accurately the world and ways of a BPD sufferer…And the typical feelings and opinons of the ones who leave them. You have every right to protect yourself…. NO one deserves to be abused or mistreated. However, its easy to justify leaving someone with a mental disorder… They are sick and its not your job to fix them. Your not qualified and they should not persue a relationship until they are better…..Someone with BPD won’t get better until someone stays… For LIFE! Best wishes to you both and to the women once in your lives!

      • savorydish said

        Thanks for sharing your story and your perspective. Just so you know I was willing to stick it out, but my borderline ex was not. If you continue reading my postings you will see that she gave up on therapy and us. And she became abusive and hostile. Being patient and understanding is one thing but putting up with betrayal is quite another.

        I am sorry for your pain. I can never know how deep it runs. But when a BP gives up on therapy, they have given up on the relationship. I agree BPs and their partners come together for a reason. No one is perfect. Least of all the people who find themselves in a dysfunctional relationship. It’s important to acknowledge that this is an unhealthy relationship. In some cases, the relationship prevents the person from getting better, because it acts as a crutch. The borderline must learn to walk by themselves if they are to be strong enough for a relationship.

        I respectfully disagree with your last statement. Someone with BPD won’t get better until they commit themselves to getting better. This has nothing to do with having a life partner. That being said you are lucky to have someone who will stay by your side. And he is lucky to have someone who is willing to seek help. The best of luck to both of you.

      • Susan said

        Thanks for sharing your insight and your experience of living with BPD. That’s great that you’re in treatment – - that takes a lot of courage, self-awareness and strength to WANT to work through and heal your pain. However, there are many people that not only refuse to get treatment, but also deny that they have BPD, because it’s just too painful to face and deal with. That was the case with my ex. I had flexibility and understanding, and I created a safe and loving environment for her to be honest with me about her disorder, so that we may have had the chance to work through things when things got tough. She not only denied that she had a disorder, but also lied about being on medication for ADD and would tell me that I misperceived events (when she would have extreme mood swings or push-pull episodes…mostly pushing away for days or weeks…after calling me a liar and cheater, etc. She would actually make up events to create chaos.)

        She was a nearly 40 year old woman, clearly in denial – - very different from someone 10 years younger, who not only is aware of their behavior and illness, but actively seeking treatment.

        I didn’t leave her because she had a mental disorder. I left because she would rather continue to be in denial, blame others and abuse me, instead of seeking help for her disorder. I couldn’t stay, wait around and hope that she would suddenly (at age 40) want to get better.

        I also respectfully disagree with your statement: “Someone with BPD won’t get better until someone stays… For LIFE!”. That statement may be true for someone who is already in therapy (like yourself), and is honest with their partner about their disorder. Otherwise, it’s not fair for someone to be expected to stay and endure the extreme (and sometimes abusive) ups and downs that come with BPD…especially if it’s just one person (the Non BPD) doing all of the work, making sacrifices, and being pushed away every few days.

        I understand that the diagnosis of BPD has such stigma attached to it, and that people may feel shame in getting diagnosed with any kind of mental and/or emotional disorder. (I know this because I have dealt with my own issues, and my childhood of being abused as well. It’s not easy, and not many people are understanding about emotional disorders.)

        I’m fascinated as to how and why people can be so different, and have different levels of “Emotional Intelligence”…of knowing that in order to be in a healthy relationship, one must have self-awareness and take responsibility for themselves, their actions and behavior. There are those with higher levels of emotional intelligence that choose to better themselves and actively seek help, so that they break the cycle of pushing people away. The others? – - I think it’s easier for them to stay in denial and seek out caretakers that will sacrifice peace and happiness in order to enable their partner. I couldn’t be one of those people. Caring and understanding? Yes. A doormat and punching bag? No thanks. I had to let my ex go, so that she could figure things out on her own.

        Your man must be a strong, loving person, plus I think it’s great that you’re able to be honest with him about yourself. That’s half the battle.

        Best wishes to you too!

      • savorydish said

        Thanks for your feedback Susan. Always appreciated. Your point is well-taken. There is a fine line between being a caring/understanding partner and tolerating abuse. And finding that line can be a painful struggle. I know it was for me. Part of me is ashamed that I allowed her to manipulate me. But then I was struggling to be tolerant of her “condition”. It’s a lot harder when you’re in the thick of it. Much easier after the fact.

        Your insight into emotional intelligence is also worth noting. What I find ironic is the fact that people like you and me have taken the time to research and understand BPD, while our borderline exes are content to remain in denial. Others find it odd that we would “obsess” about BPD. But until you’ve been in an abusive BPD relationship, you will never understand the effect it has on you. Unlike our BP exes, our pain is in NOT knowing. Awareness bring us relief. But that’s what makes our future more hopeful. It sounds trite, but awareness really is half the battle.

        In the end, the borderline person has to want to change for themselves. My ex failed because she agreed to therapy only to appease me, to avoid abandonment. She lacked personal motivation. Whatever self-awareness she demonstrated was short-lived, because ultimately it was too painful for her. This is why she would later resent me for “making” her change. The hostility she demonstrated towards the end was merely her frustration at her inability to change. So rather than face abandonment, she detached herself from me and sabotaged the relationship. It was like someone putting together shelves and getting so frustrated they smash it into pieces.

      • HarlemGurl said

        Not to be dismissive about ChloeJane but all I hear is MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME and that’s all you ever hear when a Borderline is trying to defend themselves. Good for her that she’s in Therapy but most Borderlines are walking Tornadoes looking for their next seductive fix.

        As for her “loving, supportive, boyfriend” I find it incredibly hard to believe that patience and kindness are all that’s ever needed for a Borderline to “get better.” Just because he’s choosing to stay doesn’t mean that “he’s happy” or “emotionally fulfilled.”

        But then again…many Borderlines are too wrapped up in their own childish needs to even begin to understand the concept of reciprocity.

      • savorydish said

        It’s safe to say that anyone who would choose to be with a borderline for a good amount of time probably has a great deal of patience. Most people would not put up with that type of chaos. If that’s all it takes to make someone better, then it would be easy for all the parties involved. But the truth is relationships can sometimes be the worst thing for someone who fears abandonment. Sometimes when someone is caring and kind, it makes the BP fear abandonment even more. They fear they may never find someone else who would put up with the tornado.

      • no can expect a bpd sufferer to not love someone whilst theyre getting treatment. it takes years, theres no medication for it, it cant just be fixed. there is no motivation to get better and no you cant just magic up motivation. and to the people that come on here and are like i shall never go near a bpd sufferer well if you can be brainwashed by this blog then you are weak minded people. bpds go through hell every single day, nothings easy. so bpds are victims.

    • John David said

      I want to say thank you to this website for all this info. I believe that I was dating a BPD woman this summer, based on what I’ve now come to learn. The hot/cold nature of her behavior, her accusations of me being selfish, abandoning me for days on end, no texts or calls, even after I tried to reach out. In this last splitting episode, she abandoned me for ten days after I told her one night that I was busy, I couldn’t see her. Then I came to understand how she ‘painted me black.’ Out of the blue, she texted me, saying she’d like to take me out for margaritas when she’s back on her feet. When I responded that I have some serious concerns, she responded, ‘Concerned about what?’ Completely oblivious she was! I wrote back, ‘About our communication problems and abandonment issues.’ She said, ‘Sorry, it just wasn’t working out, you were too selfish towards met, no harm I hope, take care! It was like a game, now I see that, and she was bent on winning it. Thankfully, I feel it is done now, I can honestly say that I now understand this sham of a relationship was going NOWHERE, especially considering that I have a healthy self-identity and CAN NOT be co-dependent. I understand it, and it is not part of my mental/emotional make-up. I will wish her well, but now I know, and that in itself is very liberating. But now I can say that, yes, it is done, it is over. And I feel good about that. Thanks again for shedding light on this disorder, and even if she doesn’t have it, then I’m still thankful because that means that she is just a total bitch, and I don’t want to date one of those, either. Much love to everyone here!

    • Jeanette said

      My BPD husband left me, and tried to comeback, I wouldn’t let him back after 2 years, so in January 1,2013, he beg me back saying everything I wanted to hear, so I thought after 2 years maybe he did change, exactly 6 months I got him a cell phone in my name because his credit is jack up, only to find out he was giving other women the phone number, so I decided to call one of these women, he got mad and left me and our kids and went with her. And I’m thinking whats the point in coming back I never bother him me or our kids,never call him either. our kids can’t stand him. saying he’s crazy. I will never understand him. now he’s mad at me and blame everything on me, I can tell you all some stories but, I’m sure you all know what I mean.

    • i am a sufferer from bpd and i honestly think this is the most offensive thing ive ever read, people who suffer from this illness are not evil scientists that brainwash people. and we dont deserve to be loved?! seriously? and saying that your the people that are abused because we’re ill is disgusting, anything we do is not by choice and by abandoning us so you can not handle the relationship just because its a bit stormy is pathetic. and you saying that a good soul would never throw away someone with mental illness, well thats exactly what you disgusting people are doing. infact i wouldnt be surprised if another bpd patient was to read this and then commit suicide. you people are taking away any hope that people have of having a healthy life with relationships. people are getting help for the illness and well if you people are leaving them before they are recovered then you are not good people.

      • savorydish said

        This is exactly the kind of self-pity we would expect from an untreated borderline. Your rant only makes people fear you more. You are your own worst enemy. You have only convinced people that staying away from your kind is a good idea.

      • could you explain how this is self pity? it is an illness. seeking help takes years. do you expect sufferers to not have any love until the are fixed? ranting over the internet makes you fear me?
        just answer me some questions because im not understanding. how do sufferers brainwash? how do they manipulate? and my kind, im not an alien im not contagious. its an illness that people are getting help for.

      • never an explanation for all the stuff i write. hahaha. only little one sentence answers. you know your wrong

    • i have been diagnosed with bpd. i havent long had my diagnosis which means ive not been able to receive help for it, i am in a loving relationship. my partner treats me wonderfully and apart from a few bumps in the road everythings fine, my partner honestly declares he is happy and emotionally fulfilled. im wondering though because i havent got help yet, do i deserve to have him in my life? even though he promises hes happy and that he sees himself being with me forever. i can be harsh on him but never am i abusive i take everything out on myself. i have told him that i think theres better out there for him but he still thinks im the best. he has seen me in all possible states and yet he still wouldnt have me any other way. would you tell him that he should run from me because im ill? i do fear being abandoned but i dont lie. i think that is an untrue theory on what people think bpd patients are like. i treat him well because i love him and ill do anything to have him in my life as long as he wants to be, i would never manipulate him into staying in my life and in the past i have said if i ever push you too far you have to walk away. and its not happened hes seen me at my worst and stayed by my side. i would just like to hear what you think of the situation. is it a horrible evil thing im doing by being in love and wanting to be loved?

      • savorydish said

        You are an untreated borderline. And that means you have poor self-awareness.

      • on everything i comment you just answer the tinniest thing. how do YOU know what it means? i asked a bunch of questions most unanswered, this leads me to think that maybe your starting to understand that all bpd relationships are not the same. and that maybe you know your wrong

      • how does that mean that?

      • anothers said

        Dreamsx, your paragraph perfectly described my relationship with my ex-BPD gf. I accepted her for every side of her and was happy with her. I was nothing short of loving, and always there for her. She had the same feelings that you did.

        Long story short, she cheated on me.

      • i dont really understand the point in your reply. your bpd ex cheated, unlucky for you.

      • savorydish said

        That’s the kind of apathy I expected from an untreated borderline. You are doing a great job of promoting the stigma.

      • this blog isnt going to promote or stop any kind of stigma

      • yeah there is no sympathy for anyone you slates a bpd, im not worried that the world will turn against bpds. hahaha we are good people. were just not nice to people who dont deserve it

      • anothers said

        Hey look, I did not respond with any hostility or any sort of insult. My simple point that I was saying is that I had a relationship that was almost exactly like yours, and I was ripped apart because of it.

        “Unlucky you”, is that honestly your response? That is the most heartless thing I have ever read in my life. You really need to read your posts again from an outside perspective.

        I know BPD’s are good people deep down, but the destruction that is left in the wake of their needs causes serious emotional damage. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t wanted to kill myself for what I was put through(and what I was put through was a million times worse than just being cheated on). So, while you claim this blog can cause others to take their own lives, at the same time it is saving others.

        To even be on a blog or website reading about BPD, is really not a severe case of BPD. It already tells me you are nowhere near a bad state of that mind.

      • savorydish said

        Heartless is right. Such is the response of anyone who can only feel their own pain.

      • what was i meant to say when you were suggesting id do the same, most heartless thing dont suggest id do the same then. how would it not be a severe case of bpd? you have no idea

      • savorydish said

        You should spend more time in treatment and less time spewing hate on the internet. If you’re trying to convince people that borderlines aren’t that bad then you are doing a really awful job.

      • people with any common sense arent going to believe your view on any of this. and ill spend my time how i want.

      • savorydish said

        They don’t have to believe my view. They only need to read your childish rants.

      • anothers said

        I was not suggesting anything, I was merely giving you insight into my past experiences. A lot of it happens to be very similar to yours. I know more than you think.

      • you dont know anything! this is ridiculous

  2. savorydish said

    Writing about it does help. It’s cathartic and confirmation that it did happen. Because it’s all very surreal. You can’t believe someone you loved/who loved you would treat you that way. But that’s how screwed up BPD can be. The more you love them, the more they hurt you. The more they like you, the more they push you away.

    When you read the words of others, it’s like reading your own story. You need the validation because an untreated BP will deny everything. They will accuse you of being the crazy one. And you will start to believe them. But all you have to do is look at the trail of destruction and chaos that they leave behind every relationship. It’s a trail that was carved long before they even met you.

    I’m a firm believer that you can’t move on until you’ve put the past in perspective. You can’t find a healthier relationship until you figure out what went wrong with the last one. As partners of BPs we need to figure out how we ended up with someone like that. I saw the signs from the very beginning, but I ignored them. We have to ask why we tolerated the abuse. It is not enough to say we loved them. They abused us, but we let them abuse us.

    Yes most of the time the abuse is unintentional. But sometimes it is their intention to hurt you. Often partners become a BP’s emotional punching bag. They punish you for the abuse they have suffered over a lifetime. To some degree they resent the fact that you are not as emotionally damaged as them.

    Belittling you is their way of bringing you down to their level. My ex would do it and sometimes get a chuckle out of it. She would say she was just kidding, but that was her way of making it ok to abuse me.

    To add insult to injury, they have a way making it seem like it was all your fault despite all the evidence that points to them sabotaging the relationship. In my case, my ex was the one who ended the relationship. This after I caught her cheating. Imagine how screwed up someone needs to be to cheat on you and then accuse you of ruining the relationship.

    I never blamed my ex for ending the relationship. So you shouldn’t feel bad. But I hate her for the way she treated me after the break up- like the relationship meant nothing to her. Like I meant nothing. I actually wanted to remain friends, but she had to be enemies. She couldn’t stand to have any feelings of attachment. She had to devalue our relationship and demonize me in the process. She had to badmouth me. She accused me of abusing her even though I was the only partner that ever encouraged her to seek help. It’s not enough for a BP to end a relationship, they have to burn it down to the ground.

    Ending a relationship is never a crime, Susan. But how you do it says a lot about a person. You sound like a decent person. And it’s sad that your ex was not able to reciprocate.

    • all im reading from you is bullshit, do you think we do any of the things we do by choice? not all of us are aggressive, we love better than anyone could love. people i know without bpd have read this in disgust, its actually like a evil little clan. what is a woman to do if her child has bpd? in your opinion? should she just put them in care? to “protect” herself? when i meet a person and we get on. that it im loyal i treat them better than youve probably ever treated anyone. once someones in my life i will do whatever i can to protect them, bpds can have self control. and not all of us take all of our shit out on people we love. theres nothing wrong with loving a bpd, if its right then itll work. if you love them youll stay with them. fear of being abandoned isnt that justified? most of the people who develop the illness have been abused and been left, so thats normal. why would anyone fear us when dont destroy people, we love like everyone else we care like everyone else we do treat people right. just because youve met a few crazy bpds doesnt mean every single one is a tornado that destroys everything.
      honestly i just want to know how you can class every sufferer as the same?
      and how can you give advice when you dont know the full story.
      youll say this is me having a pity party, is it? im standing up for all the people that do not deserve to read such cruel things. ive read on her that all bpds are the same we are evil. we are no different. its like seeing one bad guy and saying oh all guys are bad no matter what, evil becaause of what one man has done.
      it makes no sense.

  3. Completely lost said

    I’m crying as I read the above posts. For months now I have sought answers as to why the person I gave everything I had to could try and destroy me and discard me like waste. My partner went from idolizing me to demonizing me in a matter of minutes. She convinced me I was a bad person. I could never do anything right. The harder I tried the more inadequate I was. It’s so hard to understand, everyone who knows me tells me what a good catch I am, strong loyal and successful and most importantly loving. She sucked me in with her sex and adoration only to toss me away. I have never seen anyone sabotage their relationship so badly. It got to the stage where I was scared to speak, for fear of het attacking me. I have compromised who I am and I have lashed out at her and said things I’m ashamed of. I just couldn’t take being attacked for no reason , when all along I was trying my best. In the end she had invoked the “abusive” responses she was looking for. After sucking me back in after a month of no contact, she called the cops and took out a restraining order. How degrading I felt as she laughed with the policeman who arrested me outside of court while waited to be served
    with a court order. I never knew these evil twisted monsters existed. Yet she knew and so did her mother. I was bashed by her and was taken to hospital , I did everything to stop her being charged for serious assault . Now she repays my loyalty by trying to have me restrained on bogus charges. You see she was right, “it did turn to shit” , like she said it always does and she can now tell the world I abused her and she has the court order to proof it! How long will her cycle of destruction last, why aren’t these people called to account. How many of us must suffer at their hands, why do we apologise for their abusive, vile behavior ? Why do their friends and family cover for them? I . The irony is I would have done anything for her and would ve been loyal to the very end .I would have helped her get treatment, but it was me with the “issues.

    I am shell of a man, an abuser . She is a poor victim. That’s how the story goes.

    God help the next poor victim , shell tear him to pieces

    The only joy I get is knowing that nothing will change for this disgusting excuse for a human being and that I will recover and I will be happy again

    • savorydish said

      I feel your pain my friend. The only words of comfort I can give you is you are not alone. You have every right to be upset, YOU have been victimized, betrayed and played. I know the pain well. The reality is she is the abuser and you are the victim. That is the reality of the disorder. Sadly, the law does not see it that way. The law does not recognize BPD or a BP’s unique kind of abuse (especially if they are a woman), even though psychologists do. This is why BPs are able to get away with scarring people for life. BPD runs in the family so expect them to cover for her. You are dealing with a network of people with personality disorders.

      Yes, there are a lot of twisted monsters who play the victim card.The only proof we have are our collective stories. No one else will believe us, because the BP has fooled the world into believing that they are perfectly normal. And so their abuse goes on. The only weapon we have is awareness.

      A BP’s hostility is contagious. They reap what they sow. An angry BP drags you down to their level as a means to feel better. And then when you return the hostility they instigated, they claim to be the victims. This is all part of their game. A BP doesn’t believe they can be loved, they fear being alone. They are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by rejecting people who love them. They lure you in only to chew you up and spit you back out. And then they wonder why people speak badly about them. These are dangerous people, to themselves and people who make the mistake of loving an untreated BP.

      The only way we can get people to recognize this is to tell our stories, over and over again until the whole world knows about BPD. Already BPD is in the mainstream news. Time and NY Times both did an article, so there’s hope. Tell your story to as many people who will listen. Eventually the world will become wise to a BP’s antics. Then and only then will we be able to prevent them from doing harm. This is the only way we can hold BPs accountable. Good luck and be well.

      • twisted monsters, honestly were not serial killers. so maybe you should stop wasting your time telling everyone how evil bpd patients are. we are not evil, we are fighting an illness. we are survivors. your making is sound like we are the enemy. we did not manipulate the entire world into making them thiink that this is an illness, it just is. were not dangerous were coping to survive. raising awareness should be done there shouldnt be a stigma around bpd but in getting awareness its just going to tell the world that bpd is an illness and there is help, aawareness will help people understand, you want awareness in horrible ways and in ways which wont happen. and if a bpd is a bad person and im sure theres a few i dont think anything will stop them doing what they want causing awareness the way you want wont help people stay away from bpd people. to be honest bpd will disappear and no one will no anyone has it. how can you possibly blame us that we are the abusers? do you not believe it is an illness? do you think its a choice? your judging every single person with it on your opinion. its tragic i do feel sorry for you, maybe if you were more educated you would understand.
        so sorry, i prey for you x

    • Megan said

      I suppose you considered the fact that maybe you weren’t the only one that had to deal with the bpd? Maybe she has been going through hell every day of her life because of her uncontrollable emotions. She may be in even more pain over the breakup than you especially considering she is probably dealing with feelings of abandonment right now. Its very harsh of you to be glad at her pain because she very well may not be able to control the emotional roller coaster she is on and has probably been through more hell than you could ever imagine.

  4. Bon Dobbs said

    Please don’t quote David Oliver as an “expert” or “authority” regarding BPD. Mr. Oliver is an opportunist whose only interest is making money from non-BPs. Here is some information about Mr. Oliver:

    David Oliver is the president of The Leverage Team, LLC. and has over nine years of combined experience specializing in network, multilevel, and referral marketing. Mr. Oliver has written several books, including “The Ultimate Home Business,” which details the benefits of multilevel and network marketing, and “Get Rich Quick Schemes Finally Exposed.” Mr. Oliver graduated from Yale University, with honors, with a degree in Sociology with a concentration in Economics and completed his senior thesis titled: “Visionary Capitalism: A Study of the Network Marketing Phenomenon.” Mr. Oliver is familiar with multilevel marketing companies including: Herbalife, Mary Kay, PartyLite (Blyth), NuSkin, Amway, Arbonne, Pampered Chef, Quixtar, XanGo, Pre-paid Legal, Eniva, USANA, Shaklee, FreeLife, Isagenix, and NewWays and many startup companies. Mr. Oliver sells up to $28,571.42 a month of products, putting him in the top .5% of the multilevel and network marketing industry.

    See: http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/multi-level-marketer-non-borderline-support/

    He mimics BPDCentral.com – run by Randi Kreger (a person I call a friend – although I don’t completely agree with, still…) to sell subscriptions to his BPD supporter solution, which is nothing more than a money making scheme.

    • savorydish said

      Thanks for the heads-up Bon. If you can provide another source for this information, I will gladly replace the quote. While his motivation may be questionable. The info is still on point.

    • savorydish said

      Exploitation is a concern. And survivors of BPD are certainly very vulnerable. But that being said, where do you draw the line? As long as the information that is being provided is accurate, I see no problem with people making a living off helping others through difficult times. I present my information as a reference point, but I encourage everyone to do their own research. Ultimately, it is up to the reader to sort the truth from the BS. For most survivors, it’s just good to know that others have been through the same experience.

  5. Steven said

    Great article you can read about this for years or just read this article and in 5 min you know what you need too. BPD MAKES relationships a nightmare and they do not work untill the bpd gets years of therapy and is well on the road to awareness… Denial, lies, and everything is the a paradox and a opposite of what relationships should be. Every action or move te bpd makes is backwards… I love you go away… You won’t give me time… Then push you away…act like you don’t care and they come back full force and can’t live without you! It’s all bull.. A waist of time

  6. jody said

    I just read in a book about BPD the opposite that they try and choose compassionate, empathic people as partners since they sense they have the best chance with them.

    • savorydish said

      I found with my borderline-ex that she alternated between assholes and compassionate people. But even when they choose the compassionate ones they find a way to sabotage the relationship. Sadly, they treat the compassionate ones like shit and run back to the assholes. Because of their upbringing they tend to gravitate towards the asshole. Even when they are in a relationship with a compassionate person, it will feel awkward. Ultimately, it triggers their fears of abandonment.

  7. ian said

    Anyone entering a relationship with a bpd should do themselves a favor and end it the minute you find out. I know that sounds cruel but it is an uphill battle that will drain you and you have a slim to none chance of making it work. I fell so in love with a girl with bpd but her mood was too much to handle for any level headed person. I would draw close to her when I knew she was down or having low self-esteem or doubts about herself or our relationship. But the more love I would show the more she would push me away. On the other hand if I was fed up and couldn’t be there for her I was casted out as ‘THE WORST’ person in the world. It broke my heart

  8. india love said

    Not at all am i bitter person, but dealing with a person with this illness will take you out of your character without even knowing you could even be capable of saying things that are not usually you. To start i met this woman in January and all the signs where there to leave the relationship, but me being me i stayed through a series of lies of everything from the color of her eyes to having a drivers license, her age, her child’s father, level of education, etc..In the beginning she had advised me that she had been raped by her mother’s boyfriend when she was 13, so i began to feel sorry for her and embrace her a little more than usual. So after the “honeymoon” stage soon came to pass i began to see more and more signs of instability, from losing her apt to not being able to keep close friends and also using passive aggression toward the people who love her the most. So and the months have passed she had abandoned the relationship im sure about 9 or 10 times, then some how pops back up with all these apologies and superficial dreams and promises. So this time i decided im done with this game she likes to play with my heart thats not healthy for either one of us, so i leave for good mind made up. So now i get nonstop letter, emails, texts….in which she explains all of her behavior is because she is incapable of feeling or accepting love. And she later goes on to explain that her mom who is deceased was aware of the abuse her lover was doing to her and did nothing about it but went on with life as if it never happened, and that her 7 yr old daughter is the outcome of the rape she endured. Me being the overly compassionate person i am wants to still at least be her friend but my mind tells me to let her go and find her way, because i slightly was aware of these things but not to the full extreme. And i honestly feel like this moment of truth for her is just another way of her using her past abuse to reel be back in to the chaos, and i love her, but am choosing to love me more. My advice to anyone going through this type of abuse from a loves one is to run as fast as you can. Also and with this type of person it is a lose lose situation, never any compromise, and if it is its only for their own gain. Thanks for reading and it does get better we just have to be strong enough yo recognize the truth from manipulation. I pray for recovery for the bpd sufferers and also for the bpd victims to get out before it gets too bad. Be well

  9. S said

    I don’t think this is right… There are a lot of harsh things to say about people with borderline but that they want to be in very close, intimate relationships. Being sensitive and sympathetic will make them want to be with you. A cold person won’t fulfill their need to be validated.

    However, I think if you meet a super sweet girl and she shows signs of borderline, RUN! If you are already in a relationship n they refuse to change, leave… But if they are willing to change and go to therapy… I’m not sure. Working on this issue myself.

  10. your article is soo true and it has hit the nail on the head, am currently, dealing with one right now and am constantly walking on egg shells. He left me again for the second time yesterday this time round am not going back.

  11. Heartbroken said

    So glad to find this site! I am going through a divorce right now..i filed after I found out he was having an affair. He admitted to more affairs and counselor diagnosed him as BPD possibly bipolar possibly even more disorders. He had a one night stand right before we married 26 yrs ago and blamed it on alcohol. I should have known better. I always felt sorry for him because of his abusive childhood and stuck in the marriage with the hopes that things would get better. Does anyone else have a BPD spouse that has had multiple affairs? Did you stay married? I have a lot of guilt divorcing because I do still love him and we have three children that are going through this horrible time as well. Any advice?

    • savorydish said

      You already know all there is to know. He has been diagnosed with BPD and he’s cheated on you multiple times. He blames his behavior on alcohol and his childhood abuse which means he doesn’t take any responsibility for his behavior. This means he will continue doing this to you over and over again, if you let him.

  12. Megan said

    I think that comment about “the author of in sickness and in health didn’t consider borderlines” was extremely hurtful. Coming from a woman struggling with bpd, it seems like the message you are sending is that if you are in a relationship with someone with bpd you need to leave them. Thus triggering their rage and pain because of our fear of abandonment. Good advise. Maybe you would do better off giving advise on how to cope with your body mate and learn how to overcome no matter what.

    • savorydish said

      Nope. I’m sending the message that if a BP can’t control her abusive tendencies, then you should RUN. My borderline ex had no concern for my feelings of abandonment. Why should I be concerned about hers? Treat others as you would have them treat you. If you treat people like crap, you can expect the same. Whether or not you think you deserve it.
      .

  13. Deanna said

    As someone with BPD, the article was brutally honest and accurate – I see those patterns within me and particularly in interpersonal relationships. I am starting a new relationship and have asked my prospective partner to read up on the diagnosis simply so that he could make an informed choice. I am in the “white” or life is good phase and he can’t understand that it will likely change at some point in the near future.

  14. Marc said

    Thank you Thank you so much for this blog – it still scares me just how similar all the stories are.

    I met my borderline ex at a club. She started flirting with me right there, even though she had a boyfriend at the time. The situation was far more complex than that as I later found out. She was ‘best’ friends with this guys sister and after about 2 months had already moved into their house.

    We went out a few more times, with the sister as well and the flirting became more and more serious. She would tell me how badly he treated her and how bad his family was. One night we went out alone (I think the sister had somewhere to be) and after dinner she asked me to kiss her – which I did.

    After that night I asked her where she wanted to go with this because I am really not the type to be the other man. She strung me along for about two weeks before going holiday with the whole of his holiday. While on holiday she would text me constantly saying how miserable she was and I felt really sorry for her. She then called me in hysterics one day saying that she had broken it off with the boyfriend (which I was shocked about since they were on holiday). I was in such a state because she was in such a state. I was ready to take a five hour drive to go and fetch her – my friends persuaded me not to, After this whole incident I was a wreck.

    We met again about two weeks later as I had gone on holiday just before she came back. She even managed to persuade me to cut my holiday short to come back to her.

    When I got back I was shocked to find out that she was still staying in the house with the ex-boyfriend – which mortified me. Further she wanted to keep our ‘relationship’ under wraps as she still wanted to keep the sister as a friend. This infuriated me – but every time I said anything I got shot down badly. I can still remember her having a full on temper tantrum that I had told my friends about us.

    This continued for a couple of weeks until one day I got an sms from her saying that it was wonderful knowing me and she was going to jump off a bridge. Apparently she had a big fight with the ex boyfriends family (with whom she was still staying) and stormed out the house.

    I frantically went searching for her in the neighbourhood until I finally found her after which she stayed the weekend with me.

    I am still staying with my parents and they were mortified by all this.

    I should probably add a little about her background – or what I know from what she told me.

    When she was three she was taken by social services due to neglect by her parents. She stayed briefly in an orphanage until her grandmother took her in. When she was 12/13 her grandmother died and she was taken in by a foster family. She would tell me how her mother hated her and how her father beat her. She even told me that her mother once took her to court for attempted murder.

    After she came to stay with me I could feel things were way too heavy and intense – after all I had only known her for about 5 weeks. I broke it off – and she went balistic, even going so far as taking a handful of some medication (which she was highly alergic to).

    I felt so guilty about it all and she somehow managed to guilt-trip me into getting back together with her. I felt like here was this girl who had such a terrible life and here all I have done is rip the carpet from under her.

    After we got back together things went smoothly for a while. She made me feel like the king of the world. She would tell me that when she was out with other people all she could think about was me.

    However, due to my studies this year she became more and more angry over the fact that I was not spending time with her. Also the fact that she doesn’t have a car (apparently she once had a car which was taken away or something like that – I never got a straight answer and was shut down immediately after asking). So that meant I became her taxi driver of sorts. She would come to me on a Friday afternoon and I would only take her back to her place on Sunday.

    Things became very rough when I started exams. At this time she started spending more and more time with one of my best friends. I made nothing of it and was happy that my girlfriend and best friend were getting along so well.

    By the time my exams ended things were strange. One day she would tell me she was so happy and that I was the one – the next that she needs to evaluate our relationship. She then started getting agitated with me saying that I was clingy.

    We had planned a visit to the zoo with a couple of friends. That day she completely ignored me and spoke to my ‘friend’ the entire day. When we got home I was furious and confronted her about it – all she could say was that she was over this relationship.

    I was devastated – I had gone from king to nothing in matter of 6 months. I felt like I had fitted in a 3 year relationship into 6 months.

    People started telling me that she and my ‘friend’ were hanging around together a lot after the break-up. I confronted the both of them about it and they told me that there was nothing going on that they were just friends. I was furious with my ‘friend’ as on the one hand here he was consoling me – yet on the other going behind my back. I believed them – I believed her as she would always tell me what an ethical person she was and I wanted to believe that she loved me enough not to hurt me like that.

    My ‘friend’ told me, after confronting him, that he was no longer friends with her. I was therefore shocked when I was invited to his house and there she was – making nice with his whole family. I couldn’t get out of there faster. I broke off contact with both of them afterwards.

    I still wanted to believe that they were good people. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that they might be together – even though everyone was telling me that the likelihood was that they were. The thought of it made me want to puke.

    Less than a month after our break-up they announced on facebook that they were in a relationship. I was shocked. My world came tumbling. The betrayal was so huge – I ended up going to a psychiatrist. There, after speaking with the psychiatrist she told me about BPD – which led me to your wonderful blog.

    I believe that she will only ever leave someone if she has set up someone else to replace him. She gets her ducks in order first. The same thing that happened to her ex, happened to me.

    They have been going out for about two months now and it infuriates me that they could have such cheek. We have no mutual friends anymore – 99% of our mutual friends have basically disowned him and her. It hurts so much everytime people say they see them somewhere – but I am waiting for her to dump to the curb like she did to me. The only difference is that he will have no friends to console him.

    • Magick said

      I read your story and, if anything, she sounds like she was possibly Histrionic (HPD) but I don’t see anything that shouts out Borderline so I’m very confused how anyone trained in the mental health field would see that in the story you just told. Perhaps she is suffering from BPD but I really see stronger HPD traits.

      In fact, I see clear manipulation of you and the situation. That’s not actually a BPD thing. BPD’s don’t typically have enough rational capacity to “plot”; HPD’s, on the other hand, DO and often have giant “fan clubs” of men/women so they are never without attention. BPD’s don’t flirt with other men in front of you; HPD’s often will and then will innocently excuse their behavior when confronted. While some people with BPD do lay the groundwork for their next relationship while still in their current one, HPD’s will mislead many, many people (at the same time) into believing that a relationship is possible when they have no desire to actually be with any of those people – though they may select one if they become single during that time.

      The woman you write of seems aimlessly bouncing from one source of attention to the next. The vast majority of people with BPD actually TRY to have a relationship and cling to it (due to abandonment fears). They’ll often rush into things with people: some talking about living together a few weeks after you met them. HPD’s are the ones who drift like your story suggests. And you can see where she’d tell you what you wanted to hear but strings you along without following her words with action.

      HPD’s will use your emotions against you and your better judgement; BPD’s will have their emotions used against them, judging themselves, you and the relationship based on what they uncontrollably feel.

      Look up Histrionic Personality Disorder. I would not be surprised if you find that fits her behavior much more closely than BPD does. Regardless, I’m sorry you encountered such a disordered person.

      • savorydish said

        Thank you for your concern. If you continue reading my blog, you will see that I have written quite a bit about HPD. (read the menubar at the top of the site)

        HPD can be comorbid with BPD. And I have since learned that women like my ex start off as BPs but then morph into HPs. IOW these two disorders might not be as distinct as you think it is.

        A BP who fears abandonment will sometimes adopt HP behavior to avoid abandonment. I believe my ex was a borderline who had histrionic tendencies.

        HPD and BPD are all part of the same cluster, so it is not unusual for one to bleed into another.

        Here is more on this topic

        http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=174596.0

  15. Mark said

    Hi! I was dumped by a woman I suspect may have BPD according to the DSM-4 Criteria. She meets 6 of the 9 points and matches, beyond belief, many of the descriptions I have read here and on other sites. I keep reading everyone’s complaint about how “these people” need to be accountable and how the next person needs to be made aware so no further destruction can take place in the lives of others. The problem is, I don’t see anyone doing anything about it! Do something other than complain and commiserate. Get on the web and voice your concerns. If you met online, go to the dating site and file a complaint about what you experienced. Go to Ripoff Report.com and other similar sites so that when the next person/supply does their due diligence and looks up some background on the pwBPD, they will see the name of that person pop up and can read about your experience. If you have been taken for financial gain or other such abuse, report it to the FBI or the local authorities. If they lie to you they probably lie to others about many other things like taxes, drugs, scams and cons. It is not uncommon for pwBPD to have some past or present involvement with the law. Do something about it! Part of the problem with having been in such a relationship is that as none, we feel a deep sense of shame and blame and guilt. This is projected onto us none and the pwBPD knows that he/she will continue on in life without consequences because no one does anything about it. We’re so wrapped up in our caregiver co-dependency that we neglect the fact that the next poor person will be a sucker and take the abuse and the crap that is perpetrated on them after the have given everything they have. Next thing you know they are dumped on their head, out of the blue, with no closure and no rhyme or reason and no warning. Do something!!! “people must be warned.” “These monsters must be stopped.” “We need to get the word out and produce awareness of this condition.” Meanwhile. . . . what’s happening? Nothing! If there are many BPDs who do read this and other such sites, do you really think they are going to benefit and get the help they need? Do you really think the next poor sucker who finally finds his/her way to this site will do anything other than commiserate with us all here? Sure the enlightenment will happen, but nothing will be done to curb this illness from damaging so many others who have not yet found this site. People don’t find this site until after the fact. That’s too late. That’s not bringing awareness to the forefront. That’s bringing hind site to the forefront through the backdoor. Please, please get out there and be proactive. Get on the web and find sites about how to report such behavior. It may very well save you in your next relationship or a loved one you know. It may even help on with BPD to seek out the help they need. Even just one can stop from hurting so many. Thank you for youyr patience and kindness on here. I hope I did not offend anyone, but I am tired of pwBPD damaging the lives and the hearts of so many without having any consequence or accountability. I am not saying let’s start a witch hunt. I am saying that bad behavior needs to be reported and dealt with properly. We would not let our 4 year old children get away with it, so why does a 4 year old in an adult body get to get away with it. No, no, no! No more.

    • savorydish said

      Hey Mark,

      No offense taken. I have no problem outing people who show such tendencies. But in the end, it is up to the survivor to learn all he/she can about the disease so they can avoid such people in the future. You can warn people about BPD, but most people think it’s nonsense until they encounter one.

      The point of this blog is not to complain, but to spread awareness and to let people know they are not alone.

      • Deanna said

        I think outing someone with BPD is a bit harsh – there is still quite a bit of social stigma associated with the disease and the repercussions can be long-lasting. I agree with Savory Dish that it may be best for the survivor to learn the signs of the disease to either avoid unknowingly entering a relationship with BPD or to know how to end it with those signs opp up (because they invariably do).

      • Mark said

        Thank you for your insight. I concur with most of your points. As a survivor of such a relationship, I felt betrayed, conned, and unsafe thereafter. Had I known what was up to begin with, it would have saved me and my children a lot of heartache. I still maintain that the stigma is caused because society is unaware of the presence of pwBPD. I still feel for the next person/supply who unknowingly gets involved with the woman who dumped me. If he could only know ahead of time. It does sound selfish, but after having gone through such a relationship, I don’t know anyone who comes away from it unscathed. The Borderline does not have my blessings to go ahead and do such cruel things to another human being who gave so much to them and for them. Afterwards, I went to counseling, I worked on my issues so I could be a better human being. Yes, there are a lot of “I’s” here. That’s because there was no “I’s” in the relationship. It’s me that needs to work on my. Do they work on themselves? No! I cannot, or more so, will not stand by as they go unaccountable. I am being accountable for my codependency issues and my grief etc. Yes, you detect a little but of resentment here, and why not. It is inexcusable for such an individual to keep on living their life and ruining others because they know no one will stand up to them and disallow them to roam free amongst the nons and wreak havoc. Outing them may never help them have that light bulb moment, but it will help some unsuspecting non stay away. The Borderline will likely never seek help so there really is no point in using this forum or for me to expend my energy trying to “get the word out” about BPD. The pwBPD will likely not be the one to read it and if they do, they will deny it pertains to them anyway. Maybe I could be a little more diplomatic or politically correct in my approach to this dilemma, however, I am more interested, as a non, to help other none avoid the pain and abuse they will likely incur with a Borderline. If one person is smart enough to do some background checking on a person they intend to be serious with, they will find useful information to help them to run fast and far from them. I already know, and I am still working on this issue of being callous toward Borderlines. I pray and work toward forgiveness and empathy. It is a difficult road and not an event, rather it’s a process. It has taken many months for me to get to this stage of my recovery. I hope that subsequent, future posts from me may show a tempered me and a more compassionate me. Your comments help, so thank you very much. I mean that with all sincerity.

      • savorydish said

        Hey Deanna,

        I agree that there is a lot of stigma attached to BPD. But that stigma was created by irresponsible borderlines. As harsh as survivors may be, the people who abused their trust were 10x more harsh.

        I have no problem shaming BPs who behave badly. The reputations of a few BP assholes are the least of my concern.

        The long-lasting repercussions should motivate them to change. Allowing them to hide, change identities, move to other cities, etc… enables them to continue their destructive path, creating more long-lasting repercussions… creating more stigma

        This cycle of abuse must stop. To do that, we have to get at the root of the problem.

        The solution is to bust BPD wide open. Not to keep it behind closed doors.

        I argue that the most compassionate thing you can do for a BP is to show them for who they really are.

      • John David said

        I agree with savorydish..I had never encountered a woman quite like the one I dated this past summer who I came to believe has BPD. I am a Special Ed Teacher at the high school level, and much of what I do is observing and monitoring human behavior. People might think YOU’RE kind of nuts when you describe what you’re noticing and feeling, it is definitely a strange feeling you start to get after awhile, especially once you start getting devalued/hot-cold treatment. And it seems so extreme, again, not like anything I ever experienced. I also agree that I’m not complaining anymore or feeling quite so befuddled, just trying to be aware and knowledgeable at this point. Remember, you can’t control anyone else, you just have to focus on how you act and react to others. I have read a lot of posts by guys wondering how they can save a r/s with a BPD woman, and the thing is, when it comes to HER behavior, there’s very little under the guy’s control. If you are going to be with such a woman, you have to make sure you keep YOURSELF healthy, first and foremost. Guys, YOU WILL NOT be able to control or manage HER feelings. She will need therapy for those deep wounds, a lot of therapy.

      • Lisa said

        Having BPD is NOT a crime…as much as it messes people’s lives, it is not a reason to out them as if they’ve done some illegal stuff. I have BPD, I hurt as much, if not more than my so called ‘victims’. It is totally out of my control even when I am aware of my actions. The feelings of abandonment are so much stronger than anything I can do to stop my actions. So you wanting to out them on some online websites, or RIPOFF reports are beyond ridiculous. It’s like saying that bi-polar or ADD is a crime.

      • savorydish said

        Nobody said it was a crime. Stop being so melodramatic. Oh, sorry. I forgot. You can’t help it. It’s totally out of your control.

        Not being able to control your behavior is not a free pass. Being in pain, does not give you the right to be indignant when people criticize you for abusive and self-indulgent behavior.

        Spend less time feeling sorry for yourself and more time being sympathetic to people who have to put up with your nonsense. When you can do this, people will be more sympathetic to you.

        Not one thing you typed sounded like remorse or an apology. Everything you scream sounds like a cover-up which is why people feel the need to out people like you. It is why people perceive you as being evil.

    • i think the people on here are not understanding bpd at all. for one most people with bpd also suffer from a range of different illnesses, so that motivation that your talking about? that doesnt exist. and the fact that your perception of us is that we are evil, is insane. doctors will tell you that the behaviour is out of the persons control yet your saying that makes them evil? it doesnt make sense. people who suffer from this illness and the most compassionate loving loyal people you will ever meet and yes there will be bad days where they will make you feel awful but it wont be their fault. i think alll this is really naive as a know plenty of people who do not find bpd patients to be abusive and that respect the fact that their behaviour can be out of control. you think you know so much about bpd and yet im a sufferer who knows everything about it and not from reading information off the website but from professionals mouths. are you saying that they are wrong in their profession? i think the selfish people are you people that only look at it from your persective or from one bad experience. how does one bad experience make every other person out their with this illness “evil”. so do not be so closed minded about something you have no real proof about.

      • id appreciate if you could find time to comment back on what ive wrote just above instead of just replying to whoever/

      • Jacques said

        “people who suffer from this illness and the most compassionate loving loyal people you will ever meet ”

        Hahahahahahahaha. *wipes tears of laughter*. Good one! It’s in the diagnosis that they are the complete opposite. What ridiculousness is this.

        Next it’ll be people with ‘BPD are the most emotionally stable people ever’.

        Biased and clearly lacking in even the smallest droplet of logical coherence. Your post was pure reactionary, bloated emotion. Typical BPD.

  16. Mark said

    I am learning a lot from everyone here and from everyone on other sites as well. It has been of great benefit for me in my recovery. The thing is, that is the only one who benefits. . . . me. The other nons out there do not partake of these benefits until it’s too late, and they are here reading on this site weeping and wailing. I know that I can only control myself and my responses. My post had no intent of expressing any kind of suggestion about losing control of the woman who left me. There can be preventative outcomes for others before they get involved with this woman. Not only their hearts are at stake, but the hearts of their children to whom this woman professed her love and called them her own children as well. It is better that she have a millstone placed around her neck and be drown in the depths of the sea than to hurt one of these little ones. She is also a con artist after financial gain. This hurts the pocket book as well and could have very well left me high and dry and out on the street. There is a lot of unsaid background information, however, the gist of the matter is that such individuals should not be enabled to carry on with their behavior because they know they can. The deep shame and guilt and sheer devastation precludes us from doing something to stop them. My point is that I read so many of us declare that they should be stopped, held accountable, recognized for their “bad” behavior. So how do we stop them? How do we “help” them with accountability? Yes, they have to want to be accountable, I know. If one person can be spared the heart wrenching fallout after the end of this poisonous relationship because they read on the web about this liar, con, deceitful individual, then it was well worth it. The BPD will just go to the next sucker. Hopefully the supply will run thin because the word is out about this woman, that she will move or go into isolation, which is where she belongs. She cannot be helped. This is the bad news. She is a lost cause. The nons need to be helped in advance, nevermind the pwBPD. Thank you for your comments. I am impressed and appreciative for the way you and others have commented without being demeaning. I am aware of how I am coming across and could have more empathy. I will get there in the process. I know I will, and everyone who helps each other here is in my heart.

    • savorydish said

      Mark,

      I feel your pain. BPs do need to be held accountable. And the best way to do that is to recognize the signs. When you see the signs, you leave. You don’t try to fix or deal. You leave. There is no better way to let the BP know that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior. Zero tolerance is the solution.

      Sadly, if the BP has narcissistic/histrionic tendencies, they will find another victim fairly quickly. There’s nothing you can do about that. It’s not your problem anymore.

      All we can do is tell our stories and hope someone will listen. But unfortunately even people who know about these disorders, will continue to fall prey. They are conditioned to do so. Until they break their life-long patterns, they will find themselves bouncing from one dysfunctional relationship into another.

      Ultimately, we have to focus on ourselves and our own recovery. Lead by example. That is how change begins.

      • Jacques said

        Moreover, if the BPD is a woman and attractive, she’ll have a plethora of willing idiots ready to be her next victim.

        Be aware of people who almost exclusively have friends of the opposite sex, of whom a sizable portion are exes.

  17. Maria said

    Hello I have BPD and I was diagnosed 8 years ago. My father has it as well but it is undiagnosed and he refuses to believe in psychotherapy in general (he’s 75). I am sorry because you are all correct in your assessment of us. I have been in therapy for years and I fully take responsibility for my behavior.

    I try very hard to keep in under control and I decided years ago that in order to save my loved ones from grief and keep myself from exploding, I would have to do three things, live alone and not marry, and never have children.

    I realize these are extreme measures but they have helped me greatly keep it under control and not hurt my loved ones. I have also maintained a long term relationship and have kept the same job for 9 years.

    I believe these “rules” should be used by other BPD’s, as extreme as they are. I know it will be with me for life so I am trying to minimize huge events/life experiences, what have you, that most BPD’s cannot handle in an adult and mature manner. I will probably get a lot of negative feedback but I think my rules would be helpful for many BPD’s.

    • savorydish said

      Thank you, Maria, for being so refreshingly honest, respectful and responsible. You are proof that BPs can be good people as long as they accept responsibility. Thank you for leading by example.

      • Mark said

        Maria, thank you for your personal insight and for sharing it here. That is kind of you. It sounds like you have more introspective awareness than most pwBPD. This is positive for you and for your loved ones. I hope all of the feedback for you here is positive and helpful.

        Now, I am sorry if I sound obstinate. I am having difficulty trying to comprehend that making myself aware helps a pwBPD be accountable. It only helps me be accountable. I am responsible for myself and need to not get into another such relationship. That is a given. It is said here that some people will continue to get into these relationships due to “life long patterns” that they will need change. This is true and vital. It’s these very persons that are of grave concern more than anyone. As they continue to become involved in such relationships, they need some kind of tool to help them as well. They are just as dysfunctional in the relationship as the pwBPD. One tool is to be forewarned. Be it “harsh” or whatever one wants to call it. The fact remains a pwBPD (generally speaking) could care less about who they hurt, so making myself more aware does nothing to make them accountable. They will not accept accountability, so they must have some external consequence for their actions, regarldess if it means anything to them or not. The consequence is dwindling their local supply. It may look like semantics, but I still don’t see it any other way. To educate myself so as not to become involved with a Borderline is exactly that, being forewarned for myself. Who does this for the other people out there who have these “life-long patterns?” Until they are able to see information about a Borderline, they will not have a tool to use to break this pattern. They don’t see it. They don’t know. They will never come to this site or any other like unto it until they see what is going on. Again, it is my hope that they will do a little more due diligence and look up one’s background. Once they do this, a Bprderline will become exposed and the lightbulb moment / acquisition of a proper tool, will come to fruition. It is this exposure that will enlighten this person to the fact that a certain someone has harmful behaviors. If I was to date someone who is intentionally infecting people with an STD, I am sure that many people would want them to be exposed for their behavior. It can be a matter of life or death in some cases. Why is a mental illness / personality disorder any different? I just don’t see it as any different. I will become infected and, yes, in some cases, it could be a matter of life and death. Sex offenders are exposed. Criminal pasts are easily exposed on websites where one can look up backgrounds. Why shouldn’t a person be able to look up a background and see that a person has Borderline, explain their behaviors, and disallow them contact with an unsuspecting, vulnerable Non. It is literally no different than having a sex offender exposed and “outed.” I am very passionate about this, as you can tell. It is time something be done, not for the Borderline, as nothing can be done, but for the Nons. They are the concern. They should not become infected. By limiting the Borderline’s experiences with a Non, they have a consequence and indirectly become accountable as they lose the “privilege, if you will, to contact a Non. If you feel that I should no longer post here, I will understand. I still fail to see any validity to most of the comments about helping myself, educating myself, avoiding future relationships with BPD’s, and so on. That is all about ME. It says nothing to addressing the Borderline, yet WE all seem to want to put a stop to those individuals. I could educate myself until I am blue in the face about sex offenders, yet until I know that there is one right around the corner, all I am is an educated man on the subject and could be placing my kids in harms way, just the same way a Non could be placed in harm’s way by getting involved with someone, with whom they wished they had known more about, and who they really are. I believe we Nons are being too passive and somehow are propagating this “life-long pattern” by simply educating ourselves. We are simply inoculating ourselves then keeping the serum away from others or not warning them of the current epidemic. One cannot possibly know the devastation until they see it. So many people have said on this very site, that they were looking for what the hell just happened to them and the “stumbled” upon this site or others like it. Stumbled! This is not helping. They are hurting and no one is taking on the consequence. Thank you again for your patience and consideration. If someone could please try to make better sense of how to help Nons and how to keep Borderlines away from them, it would be of significant help to me in my efforts to maybe get past this paradigm.

      • savorydish said

        I appreciate your concern and passion about preventing more nons from being hurt. The best way is to spread awareness so more and more people know what we know.

  18. Maria said

    P.S. Sorry this is in no way a command “you must do this” in case some were thinking that, this is just my personal way of dealing with it and for some it might work and of course for many not. I just wanted to throw it out there, that’s all.

    Thank you

  19. Jk1982 said

    I have been dating a girl off and on for a year that I think may have BPD. The first cycle was 4 mos. it was amazing…we spent almost everyday together and literally never fought. Then without warning she ran me off and when I asked her why she couldn’t tell me. She said things with us were great but she just couldnt do it anymore. I was confused and broken. She two weeks later went back with her ex. I thought wow. She wasn’t over him. But two months later she came back to me and said she had made a mistake and loved me…she also said it would never happen again. I had done some reading and based on the situation I thought she was narcissistic. But when she returned I thought maybe not. We stayed together another 4 mos. and spent everyday together, took vacations and it was great except I felt like this time I had to walk on eggshells to keep us going and had to take a lot of criticism. Then out of the blue again after a beach trip she pushed me away again. 3 weeks later she was dating a new guy…it only lasted 6 weeks with him and she called me wanting to meet and talk. She came to my house and we talked she told me she regretted what she did and wouldn’t do it again. I began to tell her about the cycle I was seeing in her and I mentioned BPD to her she seemed receptive at first but the more I talked she became angry and left. 30 min later she returned to my front door crying and asked to talk for 5 min. She said she had made such a mess of us that she didn’t know what to do. I convinced her that if we tried we could be ok again. So we began again…it was rough this time the first two weeks she was committing and intimate..but quickly changed and wanted to become friends with benefits…that then changed again and she said she no longer wanted to have sex but wanted me in her life…just not the way I wanted it. I continued to talk to her and try to see her until one night she stopped by my house a few weeks ago..she was cold and didn’t want any affection no kissing just on the cheek. It was weird. She said I will call you when I get home. It left me wondering why she even stopped by to see me. She never called me when she got home so I called her and got no answer. I was worried so I rode to her house. When I got their her ex boyfriends car was there and she wouldn’t come to the door. She called me after I left pleading with me that nothing happened and they were just talking…she agreed to see a therapist the next day. So I took her…after we returned from the therapist we talked and were intimate but afterwards she was mad about it and asked me to leave. Ever since then she has split me and has continued to talk to me but says we will NEVER get back together again and NEVER sleep together again. I just found out she is talking to a new guy now. I just think she would rather start the cycle with someone new who doesn’t know her rather than admit she has to change and face that fear with me. She says she does love me but doesn’t have it in her to try with me anymore and she says she doesn’t see me the same anymore. I dont know what else to do but you can’t stay to help someone who will not let you. What should I do? If you have BPD give me some insight to what she may be thinking? Feeling. Thanks

    • savorydish said

      You should run and never look back.

      • Jacques said

        Mine did almost the same thing to me, except it was with only one other guy … at least I think!

        She gave me the exact same thing “I’ve made such a mess of everything. I’ve ruined it all. I’m so evil”. Before going back to the guy she cheated on me with.

        Week or so later, she’s back at my house wanting to talk (intimacy ensued). Then wanting to resolve things as I did. But when I express that I still care about her, she backs out completely.

        None of this would’ve mattered if I didn’t care about her. I told her that then and I told her, argument after argument after push after pull, for six years after the fact.

        It took years to realize that it was nothing I did wrong. It’s a shame to see someone haul their body through the grease and the gutter like that.

  20. mattcook12 said

    I’ve been involved with a woman for about a year and a half now, we have a strong connection and have known each other for a very long time. I am without a doubt in love with her.

    She was diagnosed with BPD a little over a year ago. her behaviors were always extreme in most cases. But this kind of lit a “light bulb” in my head so to speak. Drugs, sex, anger ect… Pure rage out of nowhere. Cheated on her ex boyfriends consistently. All the traits and then some. She is an incredibly smart and beautiful woman, can have anything she wants really… But I’m genuinely very afraid her love for me is a side effect of BPD. Is it possible to have a loving and functional relationship with someone who has BPD? We’ve talked about living together, and as much as I love her, I’m very afraid of her irrationality and temper. Should I run from this? I’m completely confused and have no idea where to ask.

    • savorydish said

      If she was just diagnosed, it will be a long road of treatment. It will be an up and down road. If you want to know what life will be like with her, just look at her past. Good luck. I hope you make the right decision.

    • Jacques said

      It’s likely she will cheat, either emotionally or physically. I’m not just talking from experience here or saying it will definitely happen. But it’s in them to cheat, just as much as it’s in you to think you’re more special than those exes she has already cheated on.

  21. Jenny said

    I would not be at all surprised if at least some of those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder who have read this article will, or already have, committed suicide. You act as though it is easy to resolve, and as though a person with active BPD is unlovable. That is NOT true. You obviously don’t care about people. If you did, you would know some people such as myself only want to be able to be loved by someone else for once in their miserable lives. I HAVE loved others before, I guarantee you, and you cannot lie to me and say I have NOT loved others before, selflessly, and without putting demands on them. & always apologizing if I’ve hurt their feelings, as any other person would do.

    Also, actually getting treatment without being treated with a huge stigma, in a condescending manner by health professionals can be VERY difficult for someone with BPD. I’m “crazy”, not stupid, and if I am treated even worse by health professionals than most people on the street, why should I get treatment? Do you really care about me getting better, if you want me to go through more misery & treatment that has never helped me, years of expensive therapy (treatment isn’t free. You seem to neglect this fact entirely), in some vain attempt to be lovable one day? Your article does make it all sound hopeless, and makes a Borderline sound totally unlovable which is absolutely untrue.

    Stop trying to make other people not love those with Borderline Personality. Just stop, because you have no idea what it is like to be told you can never have love, and you are unlovable with a poor prognosis or without full remission. Many people with even worse mental illness and physical disabilities are allowed love and can have a relationship. I thank the universe that not everyone has seen your article or I would probably kill myself now. No offense, but shut up and leave BPD people alone. You treat us as though we put a gun to our heads. We DIDN’T. Leave us alone. We deserve love too. If you don’t believe that, you are a callous, despicable excuse for a human being.

    No reply is necessary. I’m sure it would be mean, accusatory, condescending and bleak.

    • JIm said

      You sound like my ex- I gave her all the love that I had and she dumped it out like trash

    • Freddy said

      She also sounded like my ex who never listens and selfish intead of introspecting what is wrong with her

    • Laura said

      Jenny, don’t listen to the callous comments here from these traumatized folk. They ( and I) have been through a horrible experience, however, do be kind with yourself and ask God for help (as we all do). Best wishes.

    • Lisa said

      well said Jenny…I TOTALLY agree with you as I too am BPD. Those that complain and say we are evil and deliberately hurt others (non-bps) can never understand the tremendous pain and loneliness we continue to experience and probably for the rest of our lives.

    • i truly believe everything you’ve said, these people are stupid and naive classing every bpd sufferer as the same. we are not the same. these people found the “evidence” on how what they are saying is true from the internet, hear it from a professionals mouth. i think the website would be very different then.

  22. [...] this is what she had to say about an article I posted a while back called Can a Borderline Sustain a Relationship? [...]

  23. bele said

    Hi All,

    I have been in a relationship with a BPD guy for almost 5 years. He was diagnosed during that time as a result of my intervention. He has dangerous to me on all levels – emotionally, physically , professionally, financially, socially – is there anything else?

    After an attempt he made upon my life an AVO was taken out against him for 2.5 years, ordering that he behave around me and not drink. It would seem logical to have detached from him at that point but I wasn’t logical – just loving and compassionate, especially knowing that he was abused by a catholic priest as a child. It angers me that I may have to give up on my BPD partner, it feels like in doing so I am allowing that evil priest to continue torturing him. I totally understand the comments of a BPD blogger previously that ‘someone needs to stay for LIFE’ to help cure a BPD. I have always had that sense but I am ready to let go – that’s why I am searching for answers again (BPD Family is a brilliant site BTW).

    My BPD is attending treatment at the moment, but stopped taking his meds ; ( because he couldn’t afford them ? or find the script?, he admits for the first time that he has BPD and is beginning to understand his behaviours (having DBT) but not controlling them well. In fact I have seen a spike in his ‘splitting’ – on/off -on/off. I He no longer lives with me and I ask him to leave immediately upon misbehaviour (I get scared and either he or I end the relationship). Then when he is gone I miss the comfort of his presence – he shows kindness, is funny, affectionate and sweet when non BPD and my heart breaks. Then he can be a BPD monster, capable of cruel words and unthinkable bad behaviours and I am happy to see the end of him and want no further contact.

    Then he walks back in the door Mr Happy and acts like nothing has changed – and I allow it – until 2 days ago.

    Do I let go like so most on the web advise or do I try to ‘stay for life’ and make up/ compensate for the evil that came his way as a child ?

    • savorydish said

      Hi Bele,

      There is no easy answer. Keep on reading so you can make an informed decision.

    • Laura said

      Then he walks back in the door Mr Happy and acts like nothing has changed —–you described it to a tee.

    • Jacques said

      “Someone needs to stay for LIFE”

      Are you ready to be a life-long punching bag? Are you ready to never truly feel reciprocation? And you ready to have your feelings and concerns dismisseed for the rest of you life? – to forever worry about cheating?

      Sometimes BPDs DO need someone for life … to torment. But you have to decide if you’re willing to be his parent and his lover.

  24. Jim said

    Ok question, the Bpd I was with is 54 has 2 grown kids and was married 22 years- of course I have few details. So this person will be like this forever ?

  25. Jim said

    Bpd woman are the cruelest bitches in the world

  26. Jim said

    and i do not care if I offend any of them

  27. John said

    Your article is sooo true!! 13 years ago I was married to someone with BPD characteristics for 2 years. I have learned a lot about BPD and have since healed, with the help of my new wife. My BPD wife functioned pretty well outside the home, but behind closed doors she was a tornado. She was very romantic during the courting months before marriage, then after the marriage she started splitting (I only learned this after she left me)…I was the best…I was the worst…constant chaos and great sex. After the chaos she would ignore me for 3 days, then want sex. Very weird. Always jealous of my kids and my hobbies. As I got closer to her and recommended she get help, things only got worse. I’m sure my yelling during our arguments didn’t help. I just couldn’t understand why there was constant turmoil. She often threatened suicide. And it was of course, because I was “a monster.” I even started believing that maybe there was something wrong with me. The marriage counselors I sought had no understanding of what was truly going on. Only one counselor recommended that she seek medical help, which made my wife furious. I married this woman 1 year after my wife of 16 years died of cancer…way too early. I had 4 young children and thought this woman was an answer from the Lord. I am a Christian, so I didn’t think divorce was an option. If I had it to do over again, I would have divorced her for abandonment and abuse…she disappeared for a month after our first year of marriage….then came back. Then on our 2nd anniversary, we took a 10 day cruise. She threatened to jump off the railing of the cruise ship we were on one night…all because of a mixup on where we were to meet on the boat that morning. I am so thankful this woman left us…that was the REAL answer from the Lord. I do have to say I feel very sorry for this person, who fails to deal with her inner turmoil.

  28. nycchristianbpd said

    I was diagnosed with bpd about 3 yrs ago. I didn’t really understand the condition and didn’t do any research until recently when once again I was kicking another friend out of my life, lets call him S. S sent me a long email detailing the ups and downs of our 14 yr friendship. He didn’t know about my diagnosis yet. Up until that point, I was so sure he was the bad guy. But his email helped me realize he wasn’t…but neither was I. His email wasn’t judgmental or mean. It was factual. He also told me his side of the story, a side I didn’t see. That’s when I had my moment of clarity and knew that despite having done DBT, I wasn’t as “cured” as I thought. DBT did help me get off my butt and stop drowning in depression. I was able to reconnect with friends, make new friends, earn a BS in Finance. Yes it took a while but I did it. But BPD has made progressing harder…sorry I’m getting off point….
    I’m read so many articles about how destructive BPD is, how horrible we are. It’s like Non-BPD’s wished we could all be rounded up and shot dead. How are we supposed to recover when there are so few people willing to help us? Cause some of us do want help. Some of us are worth saving. Some of us, like me, wants to better understand non-bpd’s. I know why I act certain ways. Knowing why is one thing but I’m never really sure how a non-bpd would act. I’m usually left having to figure it out myself. Sometimes I’m right and sometimes I’m wrong.
    I think if people were to explain to BPD’s how to act and how to think as if we don’t have this condition it would help. I know I learn by seeing and doing. I see it done once and I can usually replicate (unfortunately that’s fueled by anxiety and fear of being rejected and being viewed as stupid but it works for me). Everyone is like bpd’s do this, bpd’s do that. How about praising us for when we do something right? Sure we’ll be uncomfortable with the compliment but it’s better than never hearing it.
    S helped me realize that other people have feels too. Sometimes I read the email he sent detailing our history. I try to avoid the parts where he says I hurt him and made him feel worthless. Those words will forever haunt me but will remind me to treat people differently. After I told him that I had BPD, he wrote that he believed outside of my BPD I was still an awesome person with an great personality that people would love. When I’m feeling down, I hang on to those words. When I read all the vicious articles and comments about BPD’s I remember his words. They help me remind myself that not all BPD’s are the same. There’s hope. And as long as I’m alive and as long as God love’s me then there’s hope. And to be honest, I’m excited. I don’t think I could ever live without hope that things will get better.
    Sorry for the long “comment” but I just wanted to say my piece.

    • mrclear said

      Hey,

      I really admire you for coming out and talking about this so openly. You really are an exception.

      I was married to a BPD for 15 years and and, during that time, have endured an horrific amount of guilt-projection, verbal/emotional abuse and everything that comes with the typical roller-coaster ride of a Borderline-relationship. The diagnosis BPD was made by my own therapist, so my ex is undiagnosed. It is hard for us non’s to believe that we are/were so helpless and vulnerable to this terrible disorder. All I ever wanted was to have a harmonious and loving relationship and I still battle with the emotions of having that so cruelly destroyed.
      Since we have two children, I am forced to keep in contact with her and as you can imagine it’s not easy. She has now entered her 3rd relationship after our divorce 1 year ago and is systematically trying to abolish me from her life through splitting and alienation of our children.
      I have taken a lot of time to familiarize myself with BPD through books, research and internet and can assure you that alot of non’s do the same. I think it’s important to not villainize the BP, but rather to separate the person from the disorder. The individual is not to blame, but the disorder, although I believe that BP’s should be held accountable for their past decisions and actions as an adult. I have forgiven the person behind the disorder, but it will be hard to forget the pain that her decisions and actions have caused me.
      That’s why I think it is very commendable that a past e-mail of an ex has helped you to work harder towards hope and healing. I have written a letter to my ex stating all the stages of our relationship and the awareness of BP. However, it was important for me at the end to leave it with a sense of hope and a wish for her healing and happiness. Since my ex is undiagnosed, I never sent it, but it was important for my self-healing process.
      You give me hope that one day, when she might become aware of her true problems, I might be able to send it and help her, especially for the sake of my children.
      Thanks. I am aware it will be hard, but I wish you all the best for your future on the road to recovery.

      • *previously nycchristianbpd

        I’m sorry about the pain that your ex is putting you through. While reading, I tried to put myself in your shoes and try to feel what you were feeling and I really am sorry. I know that it’s hard dealing with BP’s and it’s even harder when people don’t realize that they have this disorder. I appreciate that you try to separate the person from the disorder. I think you should be commended for that, cause it’s hard to see the gentleness of that person behind the storm of the disorder.
        Thankfully I had my moment of clarity before marriage and children so I’m able to work on myself. It’s hard since I’m trying to distinguish who I am apart from the disorder but I know it’s worth it. I know that it’s not fault that I have BPD, but it is my responsibility to recover from it and not be a victim of it.

        Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I’m glad that I’m able to give you hope. Not all BP’s are the same so we’re not all hopeless. I realize how much I hurt my friend. I’ve internalized his letter to me and I constantly remind myself to never to that to anyone else again. I pray that one day your wife will have her moment of clarity and I pray until then that you and your children will grow strong and try to be as happy as possible. Don’t let this disorder rob you or your children from the happiness you deserve.

    • Laura said

      You do sound like an awesome person. Maybe you are different but my BPDbf (undiagnosed-my assumption) would write note to himself on his wall calendar like “DON’T GET UGLY”, and he would promise to not bring up certain familiar mean comments—-but he couldn’t adhere to it. I was so patient—then I just had to leave to take care of myself. I do feel sorry for him-but the emotional dysregulation destroyed me and us.

  29. Jim said

    i have sent my exbpdgf letters and i think she just throws them away

    • Jacques said

      I’ve done the letter thing, usually after her and I fought over the cold shoulder or something spiteful she had said.

      Over the course of ten years, sometimes she loved them and would come running back to me; other times, she chose between tearing them up and ignoring them altogether.

      In spite of this, she always came back, but not before I was on the verge of giving up. (funny that).

      The last time a similar scenario transpired, we were NC for months. I called her in the evening and she shouted at me, before unceremoniously hanging up. I thought to myself: “wow. she really hates me this time. I better give up”.

      The next morning, she calls me up like nothing happened. Suddenly, we’re close again. Mind-boggling.

  30. JIm said

    so my opionion is thjat once a BPd leaves no matter how bad they are there is no helping them

  31. mrclear said

    Hi again,

    I think it’s important to understand that ex-partners of people with BPD have been through horrific experiences. Their anger and resentment has become deeply entrenched and so it’s hard for them to disassociate. A lot of them can’t separate the person from the disorder. A read through any BPD-forum will quiclky convince you of that. However, it is important that we do this to be able to overcome our experiences and heal. We need to understand that it is not about us. It not personal. The person with BPD would behave like this with any other partner. I think am right in presuming that under the disorder, people with BPD are people like anybody else which deserve to be treated with care and respect, especially because of their disorder.
    Of course, this is easier said than done. I still have occasional feelings of betrayal, anger and hostility, because my emotional well-being has been severely compromised. It takes time to heal….

    But we also need to realise why ex-partners chose there relationship with BP’s, or why anybody seeks abusive or dysfunctional relationships. We repeat the patterns of our childhood and former social bonds with others. My father was very over-bearing and would act out his insecurities on his children. As a child, I was constantly trying to please him but never could. No wonder I chose this relationship. The bottom-line is: We all need to face and resolve our own personal wounds and heal unhealed injuries to our sense of self before we can move on.

    I think it would be interesting if more non’s, or ex-partners would communicate with people with BPD. It would help to understand how people with BPD affect the people around them and the daily struggle of BPD-sufferers. It would of course crave alot of restraint and understanding, but would also be very beneficial to BPD-awareness. I think there are still alot of people out there groping in the dark for answers.

    You can be proud of yourself. You have taken the most important step and that is to recognize the disorder and to choose the road to recovery. Most people with BPD never get that far. Your empathy is a good sign that you are on the right path.

  32. MoranLee said

    I broke up w my bf a couple of weeks ago. I recently read a novel in which the lead male character has a multiple personality disorder. His behaviours and speech were a lot like my ex bf would do. I became interested in multiple personality disorder and started to read more about it. Then I came across borderline personality disorder. After learning more about the symptoms and causes of this disorder, I believe that my ex bf has it too. But perhaps, its in a mild form as he doesn’t have suicidal tendencies.

    I love him still. I know that it’s irrational but I still do. I decided to walk away from him not because I didn’t love him anymore. I chose to walk away because I don’t think I’m cut out to handle his mood swings and mistreatment. I truly feel sorry for people with BPDs. I can’t say that I can empathize with you as I don’t think I’ll ever have the capacity to comprehend to understand what u have to go through. But I do sympathize with u. Thank you so much for the insight that u have shared. It really helps me to better understand ppl w BPDs. I was furious, depressed, hurt n miserable after the three break ups with my ex bf over a course of a year. But now after reading through all ur posts, I have achieved a eave of mind. And I chose to forgive my ex bf.

    To love Is to forgive. To forgive is to love. I still hold this belief dear to my heart.

    To all those people with BDP partners, I feel ur pain and I empathize with you.

    Thank you so much for this forum. It has helped me a lot in my recovery.

  33. Melinda said

    I think my 29 year old daughter may have BPD! I have been reading so much information on mental illness and I feel after reading all the testimonials here that I may have hit on something. My husband and I have been divorced since she was 6 years old and even though both her father and I shared custody of her, I feel it may have effected her more than anyone thought. She has a daughter 9 years old and appears to be a good mother in that she’s involved in her daughters school activities and is very smart making A’s & B’s always, but that is where it stops.
    My daughter has been in10-12 relationships, 3 resulting in engagements and one marriage that lasted 3 months, everything is always someone else’s fault. Accuses the boyfriends of be abusive but have now learned that she initiates the violence and sometimes harms herself and blames the boyfriend to those that care about her. When the rollercoaster gets really bad and she pushes everyone away, she will fabricate an elaberate story so everyone feels sorry for her and it’s like nothing happened. She actually has a type of seizures that she can bring on herself from stress. She has been hospitalized and examined, tested and, medicated for these seizures and all results come back that they are brought on by stress and are not truly a seizure as know by neurologists.

    She makes up elaborate hurtful lies and will keep them up for years until there is a final break down. She has recently become violent with family members and will send anyone that crosses her the most horrendous text messages. It’s almost like she makes it a full time job so there is no way you can get your mind off ot the harrassment. She actually called my phone 65 times in less than a hour. It did not stop until I stopped at the police department and they witnessed the phone ringing non stop and they answered and placed her on a harrassment notice.

    Most recently she has been on another episode for more than two months and when she pushes everyone away again, she has now conjured up a story that I just today established as being a lie that she has a brain tumor and has 6 to 8 months to live. I am sure it is to rally everyone to her yet again. Reading the comments from your Bloggers, I can attest to the fact that it is unbearable. And as a parent am constantly concerned about my granddaughter as well as my daughter. With all your experience, is there a way to force an adult into treatment?

    • savorydish said

      Hey Melinda,
      So sorry for the drama you’re experiencing. It definitely sounds like your daughter has BPD. But that’s the opinion of a non-professional. Unfortunately, you can not force someone to get diagnosed or to get treated. You can however save yourself. It’s a difficult situation, considering she’s your daughter. You can’t just disown her. I am very concerned about her child.
      SD

    • jim said

      Melinda my ex bpf gf sounds like you, just begging for attention eve online

      • Happy&alone said

        Having been concerned about some of my own behaviours i became concerned enough to start researching personality disorders . I undertook online personality test and the results surprised me and prompted further research . I have discovered many things … Mostly if you do these tests over a period of time the results vary massively  . I have read extensively around the subject area and conclude that we ALL exhibited personality flaws / disorders traits to some degree or other  and realistically we all could be labeled with a disorder at certain points in our life if we go by this alone. I realise that there are people who exhibited extremes in behaviour and I feel empathy towards those who have suffered at the hands of others , the real victims .. Those with bpd !

        To those who believe that you are victims ( the nons) research shows that people with bpd usually attract people with major underlining issues themselves i.e. narrsaistical pd because think about it  if you were ok your self you would have enough about yourself to leave the situation once the destructive behaviours begin .. Love has nothing to do with it , it’s about self respect surly . There are enough examples out there of what constitutes a healthy relationship… More so we are dealing with adults here not children and surely most people have developed a sense of who they are and what they want and need by the time they enter adult relationships .so when I read the stories from the nons I have to question what makes you stay and really what have you contributed to the situation … Are you in denial ?

        When you grow up feeling unwanted and unloved it’s not surprising that when someone shows you love and affection it’s easy to mistake it for something else and want to rush it .. Honestly how many of you went trough a courtship with your ” bpd” ? How many of you jumped straight in and subsequently embarked on a relationship with no foundations ? Expecting it to work out ? to all the nons out there who sit in judgement if your so ok why didn’t you settle down years ago ?why haven’t your other relationships worked out ? What do you do to trigger someone to behave in a certain way ?   Maybe cause you have issues too ?  Ask yourself why would you be attracted to a ” monster ” ?

        I have looked at my own personal history and realise my mistake is putting trust in the untrustworthy , expecting people to treat me with respect and honesty and when that’s not forth coming .. Watch out ! so yes I have bpd traits but who doesn’t … I’m not in denial .. I know who I am . I have felt love and given love generously to the detriment of myself on some occasions , only to feel exhausted on all levels . I think it’s easy to apportion blame to just one person and all this does is   ease your own conscience to your own wrong doing . It strikes me that some men of today are confused about what they expect from a relationships … Some men want the traditional little women , who’s only there to placate and meet their needs and who think that going to work exonerates them from contributing very little else .. And they wonder why women go off on one !  I have read about the men ” who walk on egg shells ” around their partners … Grow a back bone and speak your truth to them but do it in a constructive way not in a condemning way and see what happens ….

        I’m 42 and have had 9 significant relationships with men , spanning from 1 yr to 8 yrs , I have been married once . I have bpd traits … The common denominator of most of my relationships ( not all ) is that I rushed them and more interestingly all the men had emotional issues, were pocessive and the jealous type. My bpd traits make me vulnerable to the men out there that take advantage , sadly because of how I feel about myself I don’t think I deserve better ! I’m in therapy however I’m working on my self esteem so I will value myself more and not waste any more time , effort or money on people who don’t deserve it . 

      • savorydish said

        Dear Happy&Alone,

        You will be unhappy to know that I am neither a narcissist, possessive or jealous. I let my borderline ex hang out with other guys. Only to find out later, that she slept with them.

        I see right through your manipulative ways. You came here, hoping to convince everyone that you are the poor helpless victim of evil narcissists. And while it is true that many BPs end up with narcissists. Once in a while, they will find someone who is kind and caring. But they never stay with this kind and caring person for very long.

        Birds of a feather flock together. A BP will often nuke a healthy relationship to find someone who is as screwed up as them. That is where the narcissist comes in.

        Keep going to therapy and keep working on your self-esteem. And stop making yourself the victim.

        SD

      • Freddy said

        I dont have personality disorder either and am not jealous neiher possessive and somehow i ended up with bp gf. I trusted her and she cheated on me

  34. Happy&alone said

    You may not be those thing Hun but you sure are a bit touchy lol

    I’m no victim !  I give people are fair chance and if it doesn’t work out I move on .., and get on with stuff . Please don’t think for one minute that I sit here thinking the world has done me an injustice.  The very fact that I’m seeking support makes me a surviver not a victim . 

    Thanks for your comment none the less 

    • savorydish said

      Oh I see…

      before I was an evil narcissist but now I’m touchy. lol.

      Maybe people wouldn’t be so touchy if you weren’t trying to demonize them and pigeon-hole them.

      Food for thought, Hun.

      Maybe the reason why you ended up with all those terrible narcissists is, not because you were looking for love, but because you were merely repeating the self-destructive patterns of your youth.

      My borderline ex had narcissistic tendencies as well (co-morbidity). She sought out people who had the same markings. She was shocked when they were just using her for sex.

      She too thought of herself as a “survivor”, but that was all part of her narcissistic delusions. Delusions of grandeur. Her idea of “surviving” was abandoning those kind enough to care for her and having sex with every narcissist who would pay her just a little bit of attention.

      Now, what version of the story sounds more accurate. Yours or mine?

      • Jacques said

        Sounds like mine. Let me share something I noticed about both BPDs I had in my life: when I was colder and more hesitant to express affection toward them, they absolutely loved it like Manna from Heaven. But as soon as increased affection, they started to try and take me for granted.

        I also found that they loved when got riled up and put them in their place. You could almost see the gleeful ecstacy in their eyes when they would push me too far and I would shut them down. Why? Because they interpret anger, punishment, and fury as good. They hate the good and love the evil.

        The first ex admitted once: “I love when we argue, ’cause then you can just pin me down and we have rough make-up sex”.

        If you ever hear that, don’t get involved. It’s not just sex she will create chaos for.

        I tell you, my humor is pretty dark. But the amount of times her and I were fooling around and she’d come out with some insanely cold, dark, sociopathic ****. Not in a humorous way, either; like she enjoyed hurting people.

  35. paperlung said

    An untreated borderline cannot sustain a relationship. At least not a healthy one. Here’s my story:

    http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197383.0

  36. Rollercoastered said

    I don’t think having a loving person to help a Borderline through the disease matters at all. I spent 2 years helping my borderline ex through many of his crazy issues, abandonment fears, commitmentphobia, need for lots of female attention, etc. Throughout it all he consistently told me he loved me and always wanted me in his life. When I finally told him he needed to commit to me or I couldn’t continue on his rollercoaster begged me to stay in our friendship. When I said I couldn’t unless we re-entered a dating relationship (we had previously dated) he said he wasn’t in a place for a relationship but wanted me in his life. I didn’t call him for 2 weeks thinking time apart would make him realize what he was missing. During those two weeks, he met another girl, declared his love for her forever all over Facebook, and moved in with her. He basically disappeared on me without a thought and it’s been really hard to accept.

    • John David said

      rollercoastered, that is the borderline’s MO..that is almost exactly how she did me. would call me, text me every day, never giving me a break, and if I ever did something else with friends or family, she perceived abandonment. it didn’t matter what I said to reassure her, she also put me on a ‘roller coaster.’ she abandoned me for two weeks out of the blue, and then texted me to take me out. I stiff-armed her, she blew me off again, and then I got another call from her out of the blue three months after the final break up. Sad thing is, she had a lot of good qualities I loved, but it was not a comfortable relationship at all. Sometimes, I miss her attention. I think you have the right to feel a bit dejected about it, I did, but it gets better. Trust me.

      • Rollercoastered said

        Thanks, John David. I appreciate the response. They are so hot and cold. I do have to say my life does feel much more peaceful. It is nice not to have the chaos. He called a couple of times recently, but I did not return his call. I ran into him also and he asked if I had received his calls. I said yes but I had nothing to say to him and walked away. He literally waited at my car for 40 minutes for me to come back to talk to him. I think he was shocked that I would not give him my time. I would like to think he waited because it was about me, but I know it is about him. I have also come face to face with him at a stop sign, but discovered I felt nothing when I realized it was him. Whenever I do miss him, I remind myself of the constant chaos I felt and remind myself that he is probably still suffering many of the same issues in his new relationship. I think I am no longer the softy I used to be when it comes to mankind, but do believe this experience has made me much wiser to mankind.

      • Rollercoastered said

        Hey John David,
        I also forgot to mention, I got the ignore cycle consistently throughout, so you are right. If I didn’t call back immediately though, I was “ignoring” him. I told him many times he did not apply the same rules to himself that he applied to me. It is their MO. And yes, he has so many lovely qualities, I allowed him to get away with a lot because of his issues. I now realize, just because he had issues did not give him an excuse to completely discard me without thought. Have a great day.

  37. june said

    I am so happy I found this site – I have just gotten out of a very intense relationship with a BPD – and my head and heart are still spinning. I don’t feel emotionally able to discuss it at this point in detail, but will as I feel able. In a nutshell, I feel humiliated that I was pulled into such a world by this man and that I allowed the relationship to continue – looking back, I see red-flags dropping everywhere, but at the time was too involved to see things for what they obviously really were. The pain right now for me, is incredible.

    • Rollercoastered said

      The pain is incredible because of the surprise of their easy abandonment (if that is what happened). It is hard to feel easily discarded, yet the problem is theirs. It’s just hard to accept you allowed yourself to be so vulnerable to someone else and so confused. As logical people, we feel there is an explanation and a reasonable normal way for things to happen. With a borderline, explanations, normalness, and reasonable do not exist. So, not having the preceding makes a break-up confusing. You can only have acceptance that you did the best you could, that things were not normal, and you now have a chance to get your life back onto a normal and even keel.

  38. Freddy said

    I just broke up with someone that i suspected has bpd. Well she dumped me for another guy after 3.5 years. I knew there was something wrong with her but i couldnt figure it out. She kept accusing me of cheating while i only met some ladies friends. Well she lives in overseas and of course while visiting her in overseas i also met my other friends. And thats where she got jealous without any reason. She also checked my messages in blackberry and accusing me of cheating. Once she called my female friends to stop disturbing us. One thing that i couldnt stand was her abusive behaviour. I felt like everything was all my fault. I was also at the point where i was so scared talking to her and made her angry.

    Her attitude was like 5 years old. She kept asking stupid questions. Questions like why do i keep getting sick when i go out with her, why do i never reply her messages, etc. once we had a big fight and i had to call a truce to her brother. She kept calling at the hotel and though i ignored her, she didnt stop calling me. She stopped till i told her brother. She kept saying i onlybused her for sex at nighttime and thought of her as a hooker since during daytime i went out with my other female friends. I said they are only friends and nothing between us and since i live in overseas it is no surprised i want to meet my other female friends. I had to promise to her that i cant see one of my female friends that she felt had disturbed us before. Basically, it has become an emotional rollercoaster. I live in overseas most of the times and i see her once a year for a month or so but there were always big fights. I thought there was something wrong with me.

    Out of the blue, two months ago, she found this guy that she hasnt met for 30 years and she dumped me. She said they wanna get married. I said i’d still marry her uf she wants to. She said they are so in love and wouldnt care about me anymore. I got angry and cut her out of my life. I felt after whatbi have done to you, you just dumped me like a rubbish. I dont want anything to do with her in my life. Enough said. I even thought hooker still has decency though you still pay them. But her, she doesnt have even decency after i have given everything.

    • savorydish said

      You are better without her. You would not have found happiness with that one. She will make someone else miserable.

      • Freddy said

        Thanks savorydish. Thanks for creating this sites. Now it makes me really understand what bpd is all about. I never realised it that she suffers from bpd

      • Freddy said

        U reckon she suffers from bpd?

      • savorydish said

        No one will really know until, she gets diagnosed. But it sounds like she is emotionally unstable.

      • Freddy said

        The hardest part is to ask her to see a therapist for a diagnose. But based on my research regarding bpd, i am almost certain she is suffering from it. Oh well, at least now she found someone else.

  39. I’ve been blogging about my experiences with BPD men and after a couple of years of therapy, I have put together some tips on how identify them. It’s not based purely on the “symptoms,” but focuses more on you feel around them.

    Plenty of people may have these symptoms, but not the actual disorder. I’ve found it helpful to learn how to listen to my own reaction to someone, rather than trying to make a list of their faults and personality traits. It’s a much better system, in my opinion.

    If you have BPD, this article might upset you. If you’ve been involved with someone with this disorder, you will relate.

    Boderline Boys (and 6 Ways to Spot Them)

    http://strangedaysinthecity.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/boderline-boys-and-6-ways-to-spot-them/

  40. Anon said

    Fuck you for writing this. I have bpd and I’m a good and caring person trying to get better. I deserve love, but I’m terrified that no one can ever love me because on top of relationships being difficult for someone with bpd, even if we try and try and try, if we don’t have an understanding partner it is doomed to fail. Add the fact that as soon as people hear we have bpd they run for the hills. We’re people, we want and need and deserve the love of an understanding partner just like anyone else.

    • savorydish said

      So you’re assuming that all those who loved a borderline weren’t understanding? You come here with guns a’blazing and then wonder why people fear people like you.

      When you attempt to suppress the truth with your rage, you only make people wonder what you are hiding.

      All the understanding in the world won’t change the fact that you live with life-long trauma. And when you go into a relationship, you are passing on that trauma. Your sense of entitlement does not change this fact.

      Maybe if you spent more time thinking about others and less about “woe me”, then love would finally show up at your doorstep.

    • Lauren said

      Here’s the number one way to get that love you deserve. Give it. Your partner needs and deserves love. Change your point of view. Love yourself first, and then love someone else. No one can fill up the void from your childhood. only you can.

    • Turkish said

      I was the understanding partner for six years, and two kids. I finally started to shut down due to pressures of a mature, adult lifestyle, which may have resulted in some antipathy, possibly counseling with a nonBPD partner, but this perceived “abandonment” resulted in her cheating (with effectively a “kid”, no less), something of which I was regularly accused of! So it’s done. I was willing to work it out, even getting past the affair, until I caught her continuing to lie to me (and lie again by denying it). I’m the one who is indifferent (to her severe depressive episodes), I’m the one who doesn’t “understand” women (the opposite of what she told me for years)… painting me black; whereas, less than two years ago, I was “The One” she could finally feel comfortable and spend the rest of her life with. No one can take the burden of being that level of an emotional caretaker. No one. I was her “Daddy” (which is what this is all about.. and I have my own issues to work on, too, being attracted to this), so she went for the barely out of teens kid so she could feel the temporary joy and lack of commitment of the dysfunctional, co-dependent, puppy love relationship. You DO deserve love, but no one deserves the repeated emotional abuse (which sometimes can be physical). I was the longest relationship she had ever had by far, and the longest one she will ever have, at least that is semi-functional. She will never find anyone who knows her like I do, if only for the fact that I was there through the births of both children and taking care of them jointly. All aspects of her almost integrated at times. She got herself fixed after the second kid to make sure she never went through that again. She says I “Failed” on the romantic aspect, but that is a childish fantasy, even though on some level she is correct. She never took my comments about her repeated emotional abuse seriously. In the end, she became like her father: the abuser and the cheater, two things she hated/hates about him, even though she is desperate for his love to this day. Something he is not capable of… and for true, unconditional, respectful, adult love, neither is she.

  41. Toerrishuman said

    Thanks for the wonderful site! I too ended a relationship with a borderline personality disorder person with traits of narcissistic behavior (then again both are cousins of each other) After 4 years of lying, cheating and threats of leaving me, I couldn’t take it any longer. When I asked my ex to leave to my surprise she had the apartment, roommates and boyfriend all lined up.

    I could not understand why this break up was so different than my divorce so I went and did a lot of research about BPD and unfortunately my ex-girlfriend fits the profile to a tee, however I too fit the victim profile as well. I have address a lot of my past issues of low-self esteem and my emotional abuse as I child and I am seeing the light for the first time in 47 years.

    I still miss her, however I do not miss the nonsense. I never realized how much stress I was under when I was with my BDP ex-girlfriend, however since she has left I am proud to share the following improvements in my life.

    My relationship with my children has improved, they are no longer afraid to talk to me as before I blow up at them for no reason, now they love spending time with me.

    My relationship with my ex-wife has improved.

    I had chronic shoulder pain and loss my taste buds, when my ex left my shoulder healed immediately and my taste buds came back 2 weeks later.

    I loss 14 pounds of fat, 3 1/2″ off my waist, as I now exercise everyday. My ex-girlfriend forbid me from working out, if I did she would leave me and like a sucker, I listen to her.

    I renovated my house, I landscaped my backyard, I got rid of every piece of clutter in my environment, it was so much I had to hire a guy to take it all to the city dump. (3 times!)

    I feel alive again!

    I love myself!

    I could go on but I am really proud of the ones that I mentioned. There is life after a relationship with someone that has BPD. I believe it was my self preservation that kicked into gear 4 months ago. I am excited that I will meet someone that will support me emotionally, mentally and physically in the future, with no hidden agenda, no mind games, just love.

    I have forgiven my ex-girlfriend and I also pity her, I would not wish BPD on my worst enemy. It is my time to be the best person and father for my children and it all started when I began to love myself. I do have to thank my ex-girlfriend for teaching me this lesson.

    From gratitude. :-)

  42. Paul Wild said

    I have been involved with a borderline now for over two years. She is a severe case, displaying all of the usual behaviors associated with BPD but intensified a hundred fold. The entire model of how borderlines progress in a relationship all happend to me and it just got uglier over time. She assaulted me in Austin, TX and was arrested (due to her believing I was cheating on her) and I foolishly filed an affidavit of non-prosecution as I told the victim witness coordinator, over her vehement protests, that I just couldn’t have my girlfriend prosecuted without her ever having had treatment. I dodged the subpoenas and never showed up to testify against her. Her case was dismissed. I continued with her and used the crime victim relocation monies granted to me by the state of Texas to relocate the both of us to Massachusetts where I found a therapist who was confident they could help her. She went once and I paid a huge amount in cash for the session, then the therapist never returned my calls to make a future appointment.

    Her behavior became a hundred times worse when we arrived in Mass. I really thought allowing her the chance to have to not work, as I said I would pay all the bills and take care of her, to just go to therapy, to rest, would be what she needed, as she’s never had a break this way, I thought six months of rest and therapy would allow her the time to turn her life around. I bought her a car, I found a great job and she flew up from Texas three weeks later. It’s now four months later and the wheels have come off this whole arrangement that I worked hard to create. The rages, the splitting, the drama, the violence, the chaos, the self-cutting, the whole satanic scene of BPD, roared out of her like never before. I was shocked. The police showed up for the eighth time in our relationship only two weeks into her being here as the neighbors called the police during one psychotic episode. One afternoon three months later, she chased the apartment maintenance people down the hallway with a kitchen knife thinking they were going to come in and rape her. Of course, this was just an inappropriate reaction caused by her cognitive dysfunction though she believes her actions were fully justified. The police arrested her, charging her with two counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and two counts of threatening. I was hit with a Notice to Quit by my property management company so now I have to move to avoid an eviction procedure against me. I am just stunned. I am exhausted. I am more depressed than ever before. Her legal problems are now way beyond my ability to handle for her and I refuse to help her any more at this point. I am now not so much disappointed and hurt by her but disgusted with myself for ever having tried at all. It was a complete waste of time and she has no guilt about it whatsoever, as a matter of fact, she somehow managed to figure a way out to blame all this misfortune on me!

    The day before her first arrest in Texas we saw a counselor for help. Upon learning during that initial session that she had BPD, the counselor asked if I could come in the next day. That morning, he told me in no uncertain terms that the BPD was much, much bigger than me. That night she got arrested. I wish I had left then. I wish I had used that money and all the other breaks I had in getting away from her to have moved on with my life, but I couldn’t abandon her. She knew how to use my heart against me for her own benefit. When the BPD fog hasn’t rolled in she’s a wonderful, lovely, intelligent woman, and I really wanted that woman to emerge from all the pain. But after giving her just about everything an emotionally damaged, if not totally destroyed person could want and need to heal from this terrible mental illness and watching her wantonly destroy it (I still can’t figure out if it’s all due to BPD, immaturity, or her just being a raging, castrating, monstrous asshole – probably a combo of all three) my message to everyone in a relationship with a borderline is this:

    Unless your borderline is in intense therapy with someone who really knows what they are doing and your borderline is showing a real commitment to treatment and is responding to it,

    GET OUT NOW!!!! THEY WILL DRAIN ALL THE LIFE FROM YOU BECAUSE THE CHAOS WILL NEVER, EVER END.

    Borderlines are emotional vampires. I know it’s heartbreaking to see such a mental illness ravage a person, but there’s nothing you can do about it if they don’t want to do anything to heal and if you cannot find a person qualified enough to deal with it. So please, don’t do what I did, just leave, and leave now, right now, for good, forever, don’t ever have any contact with them, don’t cave in to phoning them or emailing them or responding to them trying to communicate with you, just leave right now and don’t look back. Look forward to happier, saner, more peaceful and thriving life in a much healthier relationship.

    I wish you the very best of luck.

  43. Robert said

    Hi again everyone! I just wanted to share with you, although it has been 4 months since my awakening, it was no walk in the park. What helped me was learning about BPD/ NPD, this gave me closure to what I went through, however it was when I started addressing all my past issues, when the healing really started. If my self-esteem was intact, I would of never put up with all the abuse, however I was hoping, praying and loving my ex-girlfriend things would change and as you can read in the above posts, this was wishful thinking.

    Please work on yourself! I now have a grasp on what made me fall in love with a BPD/NPD, lesson learned, now take the steps to work on YOU! Forget about your ex, it is their journey, their choices, their decision on how they want to live their life, forgive and pity them, move on.

    You will be reborn! You will attract the partner, the relationship you dreamed of having, the relationship you deserve, you owe it to yourself to do this, you will be will become the person you were meant to be, your family, your children, your friends and your soul will thank you.

    I will be forever grateful to my ex-girlfriend for being my teacher.

    Thank you again for letting me share.

    From gratitude. :-)

  44. rose said

    As I read your article I was in tears. I am a recently diagnosed BPD. I have been dealing with it since I was 16. I lived a life of competition, winning, being on an adrelaline high since I was 3.

    When my sister was diagnosed with bipolar, I was left to pick up the pieces of of a life my sister had smashed to pieces. Mind you, I was the only person who was able to get through to her when she was depressed to the point she was about to kill herself. I was 15 and expected to look after my emotionally fragile mother, be their for my sister, and deal with the aftermath of her manic phases mostly by myself. I had no help or therapy, and was told to keep my mouth shut. The needs of one child were more important than those of another. Despite this, I got excellent grades and was a model student.

    After the 20 year adrenaline rush of school and my achievements passed, I got married and had a baby. I suffered very bad PND. I felt like it never left me. i have been in therapy for a long time, not for BPD, but because I was simply “depressed”. None of this therapy helped. Throughout the years I have tried different ways of self medicating. As a result I have become an alcoholic and codeine addict. You would not think it to see me as I have maintained my studies and climbed the corporate ladder. Only those close to me know of my condition.

    I now have two kids and have been married 8 years. I have only just found a therapist who has properly diagnosed me. I am selfish, self destructive, and keep everyone at a distance unless I am in control of the relationship. I crave intimacy but cannot stand it with the person I love the most.

    I realised only the other day that after stripping off the layers in my life, spitting out the venom I had for those I felt had contributed to my condition, that I realised that the real problem is me. The problem is that I hate myself. I am jealous of my former high achieving self that I will never be again. I feel that everyday is a battle.

    I have been off the codeine for about 9 months now. Alcohol is now in moderation. Mostly. My intimacy problems are another thing. I never know if I will be able to become the person I want to be. That my family deserves. They do not deserve this. They do not deserve a mother who has been in hospital multiple times in the past year for self harm.

    It is not an easy road, at times I just want out. For it all to stop. Your article brought tears to my eyes because I could see what destruction I am causing. I’m afraid I couldn’t read past a point in one of the comments that I am effectively an abuser. It cuts way too deep. I know it is true, and I know I too have been abused. I would not have ended up this way otherwise.

    I feel for all those people supporting those with BPD. It’s horrible and life draining. It is a double edged sword. For those who choose to stay and support someone with BPD, I wish you all the luck in the world. If not, you are no lesser a person. You need to do what is right for all involved, yourself included.

  45. […] A commenter, named Rose, responds to a previous post- Can a Borderline Sustain a Relationship?: […]

  46. savorydish said

    Thanks, Tom
    I appreciate your input as well.
    Sad

    • Tom said

      I just reread what I wrote, wish I had your penmanship coupled with grasp of the situation. How torn one feels. Sorry was venting a bit in my message…just wanted to share what is fresh and happening. br Tom

    • Tom said

      I sort of wish someone would tell me what to do…NC, avoid, move on, heal yourself, get a therapist etc etc etc. Easier said than done. I read somewhere about the parallel of the venomous snake…I took it in, I fed it, went for walks with it, cuddled it, tended to its needs…but one night it bit me….and now am confused why it did this…well go figure, it is a venomous snake you are dealing with.

      I guess it is the honeymoon phase that I sort of hope will come back, realistically it won’t…it might for 24-48 hours but then the push and pull, blaming, denial, hurtful words, projecting, and finally the physical…I kick myself in the ass, but repeat these things to remain true to myself…as much as I can.

    • Tom said

      SD, am answering to above, thanks…I probably am depressed, but do not feel sorry for myself, I simply am sad that am dealing with a BPD and always thought that I was smarter than others…yes hard on myself, always have been to succeed. Depressed that it is so easy to have fun, good times, harmony etc but instead this became and is an uphill battle. And if I give up I feel that I have failed. In this country they lack therapists…a fact. Best therapists are your friends, but who wants to listen you long stories about she did this, said that, then did this, then said that, then the plates flew etc. blah blah blah…so I end up reading what others say and tell my story.

      Again thanks for ‘listening’. Tom

  47. Life Sucks said

    I didn’t get into the BPD program at the hospital. No DBT for me, oh well. Everyone says that’s what I need to get better. I’m never going to get better. Everyone thinks it’s so easy to get help for bpd, but there’s just not much out there. Unless you’re loaded or something. I cannot afford DBT on my own. I cannot afford my child’s autism treatment. I won’t last much longer – but I’m sure all of you will be happier with one less borderline living! Cheers!

  48. Life Sucks said

    I’ve asked for help for months now. No one is helping. The only way to get into DBT is to try to kill myself.

  49. rose said

    Hi Tom, I just read your story. I have BPD but am apparently “high functioning” which means that nobody but those close to me see it. I hold a job for the family, study, etc.

    My sister has bipolar disorder which is very similar to BPD as I have recently learned. The difference is that one is chemical, the other is stemmed from childhood trauma. Neither one is better to have than the other. That said, sometimes I wish I could cure it with a pill. Maybe it’s possible that the woman in your life suffers from the other, it’s hard to know if you’re not a psychiatrist!

    Apparently I am lucky to have a bit of insight into the condition. That doesn’t mean that I am perfect. I often feel that I have split personality, all or nothing type behaviour. Sometimes I don’t remember what I do or say. It can be really scary.

    As the writer of this blog said, it’s a lot of push and pull. We need it then we don’t want it. I can’t even explain it. The only thing I have learned is that a lot of the destructive behaviour comes from self loathing. You want to be wanted but at the same time need to be in control. It’s rally hard to explain in words, but for me a lot of it comes down to certain types of abuse I suffered up until adulthood that I didn’t have the tools to understand or control. Thus it is very hard to start and maintain an adult relationship. Once the honeymoon period is over you shut off because you don’t know what to feel. Personally, I feel a need to protect myself because I experienced a lot of emotional and some physical abuse in my teenage / early adulthood.

    It’s not fair to anybody. In the end I know that I am now the adult and need to take responsibility for my actions. Often I lack the emotional tools to do so, but that’s why I’m in therapy.

    People with BPD can be very alluring because they need to feel needed, amd will do what they need to fo get it, whether it be flirting or otherwise. Once they are needed they push those very people away which perpetuates the cycle.

    It’s a really hard road and I feel bad for you as I do the people I have hurt along the way. Nobody deserves to be abused, but at some stage a choice needs to be made as to whether you will be a victim or a fighter. I hope I will be a fighter. My husband certainly is.

    The last thing I can say is, she won’t change until she really wants to. And even then it’s hard – you need to find a good therapist who will help rather than hinder, which is sometimes the case.

    If you have a family that depends on you, I would say, as someone with BPD, look after your family. You can’t be there for them as well as for her. If she chooses to take control of the situation, you can be a support, but you can’t help anybody if you have become a victim as well.

    Take care

    • Tom said

      Hi Rose, thanks for your input. My up hill battle to make the right choice has begun. Naturally my son comes first. That said, last night the hoovering started. Incoherent messages, blaming and no mea culpa. Then I love you but….blame. Then swearing calling me ex partner a whore (mother to my son) although they do not know each other. Then more blah blah about me not having FB and lonely I am…yes putting me down. Then how I should grow up, I need help etc.

      Fact is that I am a giver more than a taker, I think of others before myself. I am generous but when I note all is one sided then that bothers me.

      This is a pain, I do know I should drop and leave…but still want her. I guess time heals. Plus she is lazy, I want her to prove she wants us, but am scared things will be back to what they were…what if…then more blame.

      Thanks Rose again for your input.

      Tom

  50. rose said

    Life Sucks, I’m really sorry I didn’t see your post before I wrote back to Tom.

    I have been where you have been and know the feeling. I am lucky to have a supportive family, however I have had to go through a lot to get where I am. Which is ground zero.

    I’m probably not allowed to say what I have done on the Internet, but it wasn’t good. What I realised is who actually cares. And it’s not necessarily who you think. I had to strip my life down to basics to figure it out.

    I know that it’s really hard and I hope I’m not too late. I was misdiagnosed for many years but have found a good therapist who has unlocked a lot of vaults in my mind.

    I know you don’t know me and this might not mean much, but I really do hope that you end up in a better place.

    Take care
    Rose

  51. Tom said

    To Rose and Savory Dish, have been away from truly reading everything and evaluating. Well the hoovering started….and continued. Naturally I engaged in dialog…why? Because of the threats of calling my colleagues, telling them what whores they are…she hates that fact that I share an office with a woman…albeit older than me.

    She calmed down once she was able to meet with me. The problem is that her shop is downstairs about 10 meters from the main entrance of my building…thus, I have to turn right, walk fast cross the road, around the block and double back. Or jump in the car and take off. Sorry, just giving the ‘atmospherics’. So yes it is difficult to cut and run. Move? Not that easy here, plus I own my condo, and she rents her shop.

    Then today came the messages…all I want is a baby from you (I am 51 and she is 31) nothing more! Following message calling me an asshole, pick up the phone, I will burn your apartment if you do not give me the baby. After the baby f-off. If you wear that North Face down jacket I will light it so it melts on your body. I will hurt your son etc etc etc etc.

    This evening I got home, and en route, more messages…but this time…when will you be home hun, how about dinner. Let’s make love. Am waiting.

    So I diverted and went shopping hoping that she would give up. But no, there she was, standing in front of me in the department store, my first thought was thank God there are people around, remember I am 6ft 2in and no matter what would look like a boob if she attacked…she came over, as if nothing, kissed me, so I turned I gave me cheek to which she grabbed my face and forced me to kiss her on the mouth…then became teary eyed…became concerned and looke around for my escape and evasion plan.

    Then I stopped and thought to myself…WTF, this is terrorism! I am playing hostage and I certainly am not suffering from Stockholm Syndrome…I thought, fuck it, be yourself Tom, so I asked if all was OK, thanked her for her kind messages…she said I was flirting (???) and liked when I was cocky. I escorted her out of the department store and we walked towards my condo/her shop/her friend’s borrowed car. She asked me over, looked great, smelled great and gave off the sexual vibrations. Luckily am tired, luckily the threats were fresh and then the Baby thing. So I decided to ask her about that…I mentioned that she had said that babies should be made by adults who love each other, want to be together, expand and have a plan…she said yes that is what she said.

    I wanted to pick a fight, confuse her…So I said, in the message she wrote that all she wants is a baby and then I can fuck off. She also stated she loves using me. As for plans, I said she hated planning and in fact reminded her when she scratched my face when I suggested (a few months ago) that perhaps we could go for dinner on Friday to that special restaurant, she got mad because she felt I was A. Controlling B. Planning C. Telling her what to do.

    Anyway, she invited me over to her place, but I said no thanks, gave her a kiss and walked across the street home.

    Was I strong, maybe, do I miss her, absolutely. Do I desire her, certainly. If only she did not have BPD big time, admitted fault once and accepted me, and with me comes my son. Am confused again….sitting her writing this, another message came in….come over honey, I want you and cannot sleep without you.

    Yes I must be co-dependent. Do not want to be alone. Wish I could be unfaithful like so many guys/colleagues can…and it is not because am ugly etc…on the contrary, I see lots of women who look of all ages…but I do not bother since when I commit it is to one…how stupid of me. Why am I so selective and when I select I pick someone as difficult like a BPD.

    • savorydish said

      Old patterns are hard to break.

      • Tom said

        I agree fully SAD…I feel like an addict or someone who cannot give up on someone so fucked up. I have tried to say gently that maybe she has a chemical imbalance and needs medication…to which she denies…She told me once that to love someone, one has to hurt the person. I laughed it off since it was during the honeymoon phase and should have noted it was a flag…a big RED FLAG what was about to happen. Anyway…many thanks for this site, nobody is interested and do not want to bore them with my trivial issues.

      • savorydish said

        Tom,

        You are way too hard on yourself. That is your problem. It has clearly affected your self-esteem which is why you choose women with BPD traits.
        Please don’t take this the wrong way… but when I read your comments, I can sense how depressed you are. You are consumed by your sadness.

        Learning to be your own best friend and you won’t require that satisfaction from someone with borderline traits. Seek help if you need it. But do not spend one more day feeling sorry for yourself. You deserve better than that.

        SD

  52. Doug said

    I just have been dumped for a second time by a BPD person. After the first time, there were serious false allegations (which I had to deal with by hiring a lawyer; it worked out, but it was terrifying and expensive), the selling of an engagement ring, and an affair. A few months later, she came back. I had gone to a psychologist myself. He said to me, “Do you know what Borderline Personality Disorder is?” I read up on it (I have a Ph.D. and like to research). My pw BPD said, “We can fix this. We can fix this.” I took her at her word. She went on medications (she has Bipolar II as well). We did two years of couple’s counseling (which I paid for). I paid for medications and a year’s worth of therapy for her. And I helped her through three suicidal phases. The results? I became exhausted and reactive, and I got dumped again. We went to couple’s counseling a second time. Having gone off the medications, she walked into the room, called me a “dick” and told me to “fuck you” in front of the counselor. I later read a blog post saying that she had responded to me from her core values. I shudder to think what these core values are. Those of Jack the Ripper? I had to wipe the toxic sludge off. This stuff is incredibly painful and makes you feel like you’re completely ineffective no matter how much you try. When you attempt to work out issues, everything becomes your fault, and you become a terrible person. Being “split black” is one of the most terrifying things you can go through. I’ve gone through it twice. You still love the person and ache desperately for their internal pain, but you’re just relieved. I’m a rescuer and codependent. So, it’s CoDA for me. I’ve been working through my first couple of steps and find the process useful. Usually, unless they’re complete jerks, men stay in these relationships because they genuinely care about and love their pwBPD. But no amount of caring or love is going to fix this stuff without medication and DBT.

    Thanks,
    Doug

    • Jacques said

      “When you attempt to work out issues, everything becomes your fault, and you become a terrible person.”

      Happened to me time and time again. The cycle:

      *Everything good.
      *Mild disagreement or nothing at all.
      *Aloofness/cold shoulder.
      *You attempt to console.
      *You’re evil for even trying.

      And even when you change the fourth one to the exact opposite, the last one becomes *You’re evil for NOT trying.

      The amount of times she told me that she hates me and doesn’t care, simply because I’m being patient and considered is almost innumerable. “I don’t care about this conversation”, “Why talk? We’re not close” (after texting me every single day a few days before). And the best one “This is how I always am”, only to later, when I reason against that proposal: “I’m being distant, because you always do this!”, even though the complete opposite is true.

      And, of course, when I didn’t try to console her, it meant I didn’t care and was abandoning her. We were even having a discussion about her push/pull once and she randomly said “I can take care of myself and I’ll do whatever makes me happy”, in allusion to months before when she ‘loved’ me again, and I’d told her I would take care of her. All over some misconstrued, imaginary betrayal.

      Again, I tried to talk to her calmly and lovingly after this. She became increasingly vitriolic and aggressive.

  53. nancy said

    My ex-boyfriend dumped me 9 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,so I reach to the internet and i meet Dr Azima and i explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Azima spell.you are truly talented and gifted Email:ablelovespell@gmail.com

  54. David said

    I would like to defend savorydish. This blog is not for you people with BPD. It is for those of us that you have victimized and destroyed. And here you are to hunt us down to try to deprive us of any healing, to make sure that you destroy us completely. People with BPD are brutal and ruthless abusers who continuously masquerade as victims. Their responses to this blog illustrate this perfectly: they perceive former and current partners of people with BPD who have been victimized by people like them as victimizers because they are sharing how they’ve been victimized. That is classic BPD behavior: hurt people and tell him that they hurt you by telling you that they’ve been hurt. Please, get away from us! We are seeking refuge from you and healing here, and you follow us even here to torment us further. And I must be honest when I say that I don’t care what anyone says – BPD is a spiritual disease, not a mental disorder, and I have a very hard time believing that anyone with BPD is ever remorseful or guilty for ever having hurt anyone; they are actually just uncomfortable with being SEEN or THOUGHT OF as someone who has hurt someone. People with BPD are superficial. They are not capable of caring about anyone else but themselves, and they aren’t even capable of caring about their own growth, just their own short-term comfort and security. All they care about is preserving their image, their mask, the false self that they project to the world to get what they want. They have no moral compass and absolutely zero capacity for empathy. In moral terminology, this if the definition of evil. Don’t blame me, I didn’t write the dictionary. This isn’t bitterness. It’s a logical observation.

      • David said

        No, thank you. You are doing a lot of good.

        Hey, would you mind giving me your opinion on this BPD resource? This guys claims that a man can keep his Borderline and even maintain a calm and peaceful relationship with her by following his advice! I’d like your opinon, what do you think? Link: http://www.reignitethefire.net/will-bpd-ex-come-back/

      • savorydish said

        Looks a little sketchy. Like those books that are advertised at the back of magazines that promise you sex with any woman.

        Think about what he’s promising you. Life with an untreated borderline. It takes a specialist 7 years to treat a borderline. This guy says he can help you work it out on your own. Very shady.

        It sounds like he is taking advantage of people who are desperate to get a runaway borderline back into their life. More alarming is he has suggested there are ways to manipulate borderlines to your advantage. Very sketchy.

  55. David said

    Yeah, I agree. Though I can see how there would be a big market for this. Especially considering how many people have been manipulated by borderlines; it’s not hard to imagine how many are non-Borderlines are desperate to take control by any means necessary, unethical or otherwise. He certainly isn’t promising any recovery for a BPD, but, rather, how to manipulate their disorder so as to avoid the last phase: being dumped by them.

  56. Ana said

    I am 47 years old. I was married for 16 years. For 16 years my husband stood by me despite the many times I left him. In those 16 years I left him about every 18months or so. I would be gone for a few days, weeks or months then want him back. The rages, the jealousy, the beliefs and goals that would change from one day to another, the times I was clearly out of my mind…he stayed with me. I left for good 3 years ago. A year ago I met someone else and it started all over again. I adored him for 3 months then the doubts started settling in, Little things bothered me. I felt smothered, suffocated, manipulated by him. None of this was true however, it seemed so real to me. I left him. I was enraged by his treatment of me. Realize that he was never anything but kind and loving to me. He helped me with everything I ever needed help with. He was THERE for me. It didn’t matter. I left him anyway. We were together for all of 6 months.

    I came across the list of symptoms of borderline behavior and finally there was an explanation for ALL of it. Finally, something I could call it. There had been moments when I knew something was wrong. Then I would brush it off. I acted the way I acted because others made me. They put me in that position. I felt justified for every ugly thing I ever said or did. I accepted I am BPD immediately. The proof is in a lifetime of broken relationships with family, men and friends. The rages, the blaming, the jealousy, the delusions, splitting, the drinking and the cheating. All of the emptiness. The nothing I felt when someone asked me how I felt, to talk about how I felt. I couldn’t. Don’t know how. . I am in therapy now and on meds. I hope to start STEPPS after the holidays. I want to get better. I really do. I feel remorse for all of the people I have hurt and I will NOT do it again. Not to them and not to myself. I will not pursue any relationship with a man until I am a lot further on in my treatment. I can’t.No matter how good it feels in the beginning I can’t sustain it. I understand now that even the honeymoon period isn’t normal. That’s what every man that was ever with me wanted to get back to. I can’t sustain it. The same way the raging, delusion and the jealousy(undeserved) isn’t normal neither is the intense adoration. I can’t get into a relationship now, not yet. I’m only going to do it again.

    I do not or have ever cut. I have food issues. I tend to go on very restrictive diets every now and again. I am not or have ever been someone you could call fat. I am always hyper-vigilant about my weight. I was suicidal until my 30′s. I tried once. After that, I have told myself I can’t because of my children and that has worked well. I abandoned both of my children. I tell myself I can’t cause them any more harm.

    If you are in a relationship with a borderline person and that person does not accept their diagnosis and is not in therapy you must leave. NOW. No, it doesn’t get better on it’s own and no amount of love will fix it. I am a woman who has been deeply loved in her life. I know it now. It never helped. It only made me angrier, more depressed, more empty. If your borderline loved one is not willing to take steps for a chance to get better she will destroy you and everything you hold dear.

    Abuse is all I could give anyone with periods of almost normal. This is a HORRIBLE mental illness that will take you, as the partner, down. If she won’t get help there is nothing you can do but leave. For your own sake and sanity. Take care of yourself and don’t look back. It is sad for me to have to say this because I desperately want a relationship to work. . It is sad for me to realize that will never happen the way that I am and that there is a real chance the steps I’m taking won’t work either. Maybe they will. I am working on it. I think if I don’t stop therapy no matter how long it takes it just may help.

  57. john said

    that piece hit my situation right on, 110% perfect what i went through with this lady. i kinda feel very sorry for women that have this condition. i still care and love her, but it is very difficult.

  58. J said

    Savory Dish,
    I am not a blog responder typically. Only once before. Please bear with me. I am a male that has been married to a Borderline (undiagnosed) for 33 years. We have been separated for 2 years now. I was a destroyed man. I stayed thru the multiple men she had sex with (as many as 10 overall and always my fault) in the beginning. Dont know why. I was shocked or so utterly codependant that I told myself that she needs me she is broken. I think maybe a combination of being immasculated and codependant. We seperated early on and I had a Christian Conversion. She did as well (Not sure now). Then she ended up having sex with the pastor. Devastated me. Just wanted something good and clean. I lost it then. Got into porn and became selfdestructive and depressed. Fessed up to her and got in a step program. Got free. Left her as she told everyone about my addiction, our kids, friends, neighbors, people walking by, (seriously) parents. Lol it cured me caring what people thought tho. Anyway getting away from her I realized I had been in a living hell. Kids wont have anything to do with her. Like I broke the spell. My 2 kids are doing great now. I was but unfortunately got in another BPD relationship Geez!!!! Didnt see your blog till it was too late. There’s more but not sure if anyone wants to hear. So pissed at myself. Feel like a pathetic loser.
    J

  59. savorydish said

    @ Charlotte Hutchinson

    Your comments were deleted. Not because you have an opposing point of view, but because you only seem interested in childish name-calling and lashing out like a true borderline. When you are ready to act like an adult, I will post your comments.

  60. Hmm is anyone else encountering problems with
    the pictures on this blog loading? I’m trying to find out if its a problem on my end or if
    it’s the blog. Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.

  61. Charlie said

    This page is absoloute bullshit, I’ve just a great deal of my evening reading these negative misinterpretions of a serious mental illness. I’m sorry to anyone who has ever been Hurt by someone with bpd, yes heartbreak can be difficult granted, but you do not make a page and warm people off someone with the same disorder due to your own misfortunes, if a man cheats on me do I start a page abusing all men? No! I get up and work it out on my own! Yes as individuals with bpd we put people who invest a lot badly at times, however anyone I have EVER been in a relationship with I have always told them of my condition and that it’s not wise to be with me. So tell me how can you not accept a slight amount of blame when you claim the warning signs were all there!? You focus prodominabtly on the most demonising symptoms of bpd and neglect the self harm, emotional pain, lack of identity, feelings of pain and emptiness, this page DOES NOT promote awareness, all it’s doing is justifying stigma attached to mental health. I’ve noticed people have been taunting bpd’s ‘ trade marks’ I read somewhere someone commented ‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand with your lack of awareness, and referring to people as ‘you kind’ are you being serious!? This sort of prejudice sickens me, not to mention the amount of ignorance, unless you are an actual sufferer you can not begin to understand the turmoil sufferers exsist with, and I assume someone will comment back something sarcastic and hateful, because that’s what people with lack of understanding do. I think it’s ridiculous this page even exists!!!! A waiter was rude to me the other day, he ignored me when i tried to gey his attention, I know what I’ll do, I’ll start a page slating waiters and give a few examples of what happened and how it made me feel, I’ll explain this is probably due to low economic status and that he hasn’t got a ‘real job’ in a few weeks other people searching for the same sort of venting page will join in and a months later there will be a load of people raising awareness waiters are rude people, you create a them and us relationship without realising the full extent of the situation, did you ever stop to ask the waiter what was going on!? No, ignorance is bliss.

    • savorydish said

      Guess what? You just added to the stigma.

      • charlie said

        please give me a clear explanation as to why i have ‘added to the stigma’ because i did not respond in a way you deem acceptable? i refuse to do so when i feel so violated as a person, you are actively seeking to exclude people in society you do not understand, its like racism. I did not choose to be born this way, and comments i have read have made me feel extremely low, its a hate site for BPDs, call it what it is! this is not an irrational response by the way and it makes me laugh at your self righteous attempts at pitying people who you feel are below you, it is wrong and it is disgusting. And the most foolish thing is that you still don’t get the disorder!!! maybe you’re ex screwed you over because you were a dick, ever thought about that SD? judging by this whole hate page you have going on, i kind of get that vibe.

        To anyone on here, and any person suffering with BPD that may read this message in the future, do not let small minded ignorant people allow you to feel like less of a person, everyone is equal, everyone has a right to be loved, discrimination is something which i find vile, so if anything i really do hope you find help for your sick obsession into discovering something that really doesn’t concern you SD, also please educate yourself on the other symptoms of the disorder that you fail to mention on your ever so educational page. They include: self harm, self destructive behaviours, emotional instability, unstable sense of self etc. Im sure that seems like a walk in the park for you, but think of this, if you had gone through years of therapy and life was a constant battle for you, everything seemed like a struggle, and slowly, hard as it is you begin to control your behaviour, thinking about this thing you have been cursed with for life every few minutes, doubting yourself and everyone around you, but somehow finding strentgth, tell me SD how is it you expect people to react when they come across rubbish like this on the net? in a civilised manner? i don’t think so.

      • savorydish said

        Because you admit that BPs harm loved ones and yet not one ounce of regret or sympathy. Because it’s all about YOUR pain.

  62. charlie said

    I think its hilarious you really think your doing the world a load of good, and any person with BPD that replies you condemn and make them look slightly erratic, sigh, I’m the girl with BPD and i feel completely sorry for anyone that ends up with you, oh the irony!!

  63. charlie said

    because my oh so superior SD you neglect to acknowledge a person who suffers from BPDs pain throughout your whole page not once have you hinted towards how someone may feel, so forgive me for my lack of sympathy but that is not me adding to the stigma as you have done the same thing, which is extremely hypocritical, the only difference is i have admitted yes an aspect of what you are saying IS true, but just not everything, im sorry but if that makes me mentally incompetent in your eyes so be it, its not something that will affect my day to day life, i just dislike the false messages you are promoting in such a false manner by concluding its a way to ‘spread awareness’ your opinions are completely one sided as you do not listen to others, if anyone should explain what BPD is and what to expect from a relationship it should be a recovering sufferer, not a biased individual with a slightly creepy hobby.

  64. charlie said

    I’m not doing myself any favours because I’m retaliating to your nonsense, really? so you claim that these relationships are all the same, you warn people not to get involved and to back away as quick as soon as they face some turbulence, i think that’s slightly cowardly and extremely pessimistic and judgemental. I’m just asking you a simple question that you fail to answer, what puts you in a position to judge other people? and why is it that you are so quick to assume all sufferers are the same? simple questions, and you fail to provide answers on a page you have created that you claim was to spread awareness.

  65. charlie said

    @David, honestly couldn’t even be bothered to read the rest of your reply, first few lines really made me laugh. Yeah you guys are the victims? ok! am not even going to continue to defend myself because you guys have already got your minds set about people with bpd, if you wish to keep it closed and ignore people who actually have the so called ‘spiritual disease’ that you speak of carry on, what do you think the people on here defending themselves are really gaining from you? they don’t know you!? deluded much, anyway if you guys want to seek help, fine, everyone is entitled to vent frustrations (a borderline being reasonable? …. must be some sort of trick..) no trick, i just think this is a group of people that are extremely ignorant and pessimistic, i see no use of continuing with this! peace out ‘victims’

    • savorydish said

      You’ve convinced us all to stay away with your little rant. Good job.

    • Douglas Texter said

      charlie: I was in a relationship with someone with BPD. Of course I did things wrong in the relationship. Who doesn’t in any relationship? But that’s beside the point. BPDs do cause a lot of damage in people’s lives. They or may not mean to, but they really eviscerate their lovers. That’s been my experience, having been cheated on twice and hoovered twice. I bit the first time, and I didn’t the second. The pain was overwhelming. It takes a very long time to treat BPD, and even DBT isn’t totally effective. I’m not faint of heart. I don’t back away at the first sign of turbulence, but my experience has been that the turbulence never ends. I actually don’t believe that everyone has the right to be loved. Beyond childhood years, you have to earn love from somebody.

  66. chump said

    I acknowledge people with BPD, in fact I pity them. However I am no longer empathetic to their tales of woe. I have found them to be like a starfish on a fat clam never letting go until they get to the good stuff. Stigma? You bring that on yourself through relentless parasitism. Fix yourself first.

  67. M said

    the right to be loved… it hasn’t any sense.
    everybody of us have to gain it. we can claim love only from our parents…
    after childhood, we are the only responsible of our relationships.
    btw, it s sad seeing how a missing parent love determines bad relationships…

    the last words of the post are like heavy stones, savory dish…
    Nice people just aren’t a borderline’s “type”; eventually, a borderline will probably cut him/her out of his/her life.

    it is what happened to me… she left me with a sms, after the last months of terrible injuries and humiliations… and I ve never seen her again.
    I m a stupid, because after almost 2 years and another relationship (not so wonderful, honeslty), I still remember that honey moon as the most happy part of my life… and still, sometimes, I m looking for to meet her writing her on fb.
    I understand all… I see how she has deeply problem, and I suppose she never be able to substain a relationship… but I miss her.
    overall, the most painful thing is to be cut off from her life… I see how she is suffering, I d like back up her, stay near her… she doesnt permit me. always, when I try to ask how she feels, she run away. its very painful

    I know there arent any answeres, and the only things to do is forgetting… isnt so easy.
    thanks for ur time…

    sorry for my bad english, I dont come from UK…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 148 other followers

%d bloggers like this: