When Borderlines Cut You Out Of Their Life
November 15, 2010
The story is an all too familiar one in the world of borderline personality disorder- Boy meets girl. Girl falls madly in love with boy. Boy decides she is the one. Boy finds out girl has serious issues. Girl agrees to therapy. Girl stresses out and runs from boy. Girl cuts boy out of her life forever. (Yes, this happens the other way too) One young man recounts his experiences falling in love with a borderline:
In any case, I’m in my Senior year in college and dated a girl for a year and a half, and she’s been thru it all. First off, she is smart, funny, and absolutely gorgeous. However, she was raped, sexually assaulted, saw a friend die, has a mom with biploar, really odd boyfriends, etc…when I met her I went thru most of which you guys wouldn’t be surprised to hear. I stopped her from cutting, hitting herself, had to calm her during flashbacks, panic attacks, suicidality, etc.
The bond that is established between a trauma survivor and a person that becomes the caregiver is much more intense than your average relationship. It is a codependent relationship for sure, but it is also highly addictive for both parties. When that trauma includes rape, the caregiver is biting off more than they can chew.
We also had numerous, heated arguments that led to us breaking up almost every week. Often she would try to make me jealous by flirting with other guys, or just start fights for no reason, often throwing things, screaming terrible insults at me, etc. I stood by her thru all of this because when she was actually healthy we were pretty amazing together. I always knew in the back of my mind that this girl was borderline, and biploar, and odds are it wouldn’t work out.
Nothing hurts more than going out of the way to care for someone with extraordinary emotional needs only to have them lash out at you in extraordinarily cruel ways. A BP is use to abusive/ dead-end relationships. When they finally meet someone who is kind and giving, they freak out. They feel unworthy of someone who is in it for the long haul. And so the self-sabotage begins. Unconsciously, they push their lover away. And then ruthlessly punish them, when they finally do drift away.
BPs are not evil people. They are terribly insecure and emotionally damaged. But a terribly insecure person can do horrible things to someone who loves them. Ironically, a BP is more likely to harm someone who loves them than someone who neglects them. To their credit, the partners of BPs are able to forgive BPs for what most people would consider unforgivable. This requires a tremendous amount of patience and tolerance. Most people would abandon a BP. But the few who do stick it out, hope for better days.
Then, I helped convince her to go to McLean Hospital, and seek DBT therapy. She definitely improved, and after that all of a sudden the relationship changed. She was an amazing girlfriend, did whatever she could to help me, was SO loyal to me, and basically everything I could have ever wanted. Last semester (Sept. 2009-Dec. 2009) things just skyrocketed. We practically lived together and hung out all the time…
This sounds like a really inspiring story right?!?! I mean, for months my friends and my family told me that we could never have a normal relationship, they would sit me alone in my room everyday and tell me to get out before I got hurt. Even they started to admit they were wrong, and we were really on our way. I made the mistake of really letting my guard down, I completely ignored the fact that she was bipolar and could change her mind any second. I really believed that this was the right girl for me, and that we would be together forever. Before I was honestly afraid of breaking up with her because she was so attached to me, but that stopped even being a possibility. She would talk about our wedding, kids, family, future, everyday, and I really started to believe we would have all of that.
BPs are very good at pulling people into their drama. They are even better at giving false hope. When a BP can no longer deny their issues, they will promise to seek help. For a short period of time, the BP will display signs of improvement. But these are short-term gains, mostly superficial improvements. During this period, BPs are on their best behavior. They are putting up a facade of good mental health. But just one bump in the road is all it takes for the facade to fall off.
When February started, all of a sudden everything just changed. We had a hard conversation where she told me that she was really worried about being long-distance, and that her therapist at McLean might tell her she has to break up with me because distance is so hard on her.
It doesn’t take much for a BP to be discouraged. In their defense, dealing with BPD/Rape trauma is no easy task. But it is not unusual for a BP to throw in the towel after a few months of therapy. Whether or not the therapist actually told her to break up with her boyfriend is questionable. Sometimes a BP hears what he/she wants to hear. It is more likely that this BP finally succumbed to her fears of abandonment. A BP breaks off a relationship as a preemptive measure against his/her own heart break.They break your heart before you can break theirs. In some ways, it gives them control.
Also because she was too dependent on me this year, and next year it would be a hard transition to be without me– I was her whole life. I knew I was really in for a hard, hard time after that talk. The next day, petty fights just started up constantly for no reason. She soon went into a severe depressive state, to the point where she had seizure-like behaviors. Things turned really quickly, and became really bad. She stayed in my room for about 4 days straight and I had to carry her around everywhere. I had to get her every meal, call professors to tell them she was ill, carry her to the bathroom, etc. Her rape flashbacks also started up again, and the Zoloft completely took away her sex drive. As a result, her Body Image disorders just shot thru the roof, everything was going wrong. Then shortly before Valentine’s day she came and told me she didn’t know if she loved me anymore, obviously I was crushed! The next day she sent me a message, blocking me on facebook and saying she will no longer contact me because of advice from her parents and doctors.
When a BP becomes emotionally dependent on someone, the fear of losing that crutch is too much. It is this fear that brings out the darkside of a BP. Picking fights is a sign that the BP is looking for an out. They are devaluing you to make it easier to leave while pushing you away at the same time. Eventually, a BP devalues you to the point where they feel nothing for you. You are dead to them. A BP partner rarely sees this coming. They think the fights are just part of the ups and downs of a BP relationship, not realizing that this is the final dip.
In a matter of days, you have gone from the love of their life, to someone who is smothering them. Partners are usually shocked at how cold their ex-lover has become. Blocking you from facebook is the least of your worries. When a BP “splits you black”, they can resort to hostility to get rid of you. That hostility can translate into infidelity, a smear campaign and false accusations. When a BP is in the grips of fear, both rational thought and compassion are thrown out the window. The love you had is a distant memory as far as they are concerned. In some cases, the BP will convince themselves it was all an illusion. And in a way, he/she would be right. An untreated BP is incapable of actual intimacy. You have just witnessed what happens when a BP finds him/herself in a serious relationship.
Sadly, a BP in denial will never know how much pain they have caused their lovers. A partner who has been cut out of a lover’s life will go through unimaginable pain, self-doubt, and deep depression. These caretakers gave up their own well-being to love a BP, and in return were betrayed.
I feel like I wasted 1.5 years of my life. Logically, I know life must go on and I have such a solid friends/family support base that getting thru this really hasn’t been that bad. I’m still devastated though and think about her everyday. I dream about her every night. I hope to never hear from her again because I’m so angry, what kind of sick person gives you their life for 18 months, then just expunges you completely? At the same time– I secretly hope, everyday, that she contacts me and gives me a reason to take her back. I also know that I will never take her back again, or will I? I’m very confused. Does she come back to me? Do I contact her? Is there any hope? Is she going to make an honest effort to get better, then come back to me when she is ready? What in the world is going on?!?!?
But the fact is a BP is sick. Many lovers underestimate how sick a BP is at their own expense. Well-meaning friends will tell this person to move on, but it’s never that easy. A BPD love is an addiction. When you stop cold-turkey you go through withdrawal symptoms. This person has just been traumatized and victimized. It will take a great deal of time (and maybe counseling) to heal and trust someone again. Unless, a BP has been treated for years there is always the risk of being put through the wringer.
I´m a guy from sweden. I read your story gasping for air. I´ve just gone throw EXACTLY the same thing, the same pain and frustration. She acted identically to your girl. Blocked me completely after saying “I have never loved anyone so much”. I have since learned that she has Borerline which explained many of her sides I had noticed. Hell on earth!
You would be surprised how many people share our story. The more a borderline loves someone, the more likely she is to block someone out of her life. Don’t allow yourself to believe it was your fault. Don’t listen to a borderline devalue you. This is an emotionally damaged person looking for a scapegoat. The worst thing a borderline can say is “I love you”, because it means it’s only a matter of time when she will turn on you. And it will happen all of a sudden. And it will happen again and again until they are treated. The most painful thing to accept is that borderlines will walk away from a relationship without even looking back. The intimacy you shared is blocked out of their mind. You become a total stranger and, in some cases, a threat. That’s why it’s so important for us to continue telling our stories. The only reason why they are able to get away with such abusive mind games is because of ignorance. The world is ignorant about BPD. A borderline in denial is ignorant of the fact they are hurting people. Sorry to hear about your loss, but you will be all right.
I have been in love with a guy like this, somehow it has all started to make sense now. My friends and family always warn me, they keep saying somethings up with him and he isn’t stable in the head. It has always been a toxic co-dependent relationship. Doesn’t take much to make him want to back out. He’ll say something and go and do the opposite. He also likes to believe he doesn’t need help, at one point I even got told that I am the one with issues! Everytime he confesses his feelings it just means he’s soon going to disappear, give me the silent treatment and block me out. So frustrating for the person on the receiving end of all this drama. The pain as you said in unimaginable, I still feel like it is my fault and I need to reach out to him. I do wish he would get help but I guess these people are in denial of how their behavior is affecting the other person. I feel your pain!
Thank you for your compassion.
It wouldn’t be so bad if disappearing was all they did. But they pull you in, they build you up and act like you are the light of their world. And then they flip out on you and wonder why you won’t leave them alone.
The worst part of the abuse is feeling like it’s somehow your fault. Sadly, reaching out to them only makes these people run farther away from you. Your love and concern is what freaked him out in the first place. On some level he probably feels guilty, but he is suppressing those feelings. These are people who grew up in abusive environments, that is all they know.
Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing your story.
And yes, they always say you’re the one who’s crazy. My ex even recruited proxies to tell me I’m crazy. But does it make her any less crazy? No. These are people who can’t deal with the truth. And you are a convenient scapegoat. By calling you crazy they’re hoping to invalidate what is plain as day.
It should be noted that borderlines DO tend to be attracted to similar types. Borderlines are NOT stupid. Usually, they are above average intelligence. I concluded that mt ex was borderline after extensive research into the subject from her choice of employment, verbal exchanges, life history, etc… Yes, they are ill but, if our relationship did one thing for me personally it was to make me look deeply at myself. My own issues. I think you’ll find that there are some shocking discoveries to be made here. It is highly unlikely that your relationship would have endured for so long and at such a troubled pace if you were issue-free. xxx
DPS,
I don’t think anybody here would say they are issue free. But it’s all relative. I have my own issues. But they pale in comparison to someone like the borderline women I have involved myself with. Some scientists would say we all have a little BPD in us. But we are talking about people who have been severely traumatized. My last relationship actually seemed like it was the healthiest relationship I had (in the beginning), but it turned out later she was just better at hiding her issues. She was a con artist. But I now have taken responsibility for picking out telltale signs. The info here is meant to remind me and others what those signs are. But yes, to avoid this happening again, we all have to work on our own issues as well.
Thanks for explaining his behavior! Its nice to know I’m not the only one who has to go through this. There have been times when he’d tell me how I’m everything he ever wanted and within a week he’s changed the tone and said I’m the one who is being clingy and should move on! He even went on and lied to me that he was with someone else when he wasn’t, then he’s come back and told me that no one has ever been as nice to him as I have. It is quite funny how one week he wants me to never give up on him yet the next he’ll say I’m being too emotional and should move on because he is messed up.
The past few months he’s put me on ignore yet added me back on facebook but still won’t say a word! You are right, if these people just disappeared life would be much better but they don’t just disappear, they make sure they’ve got a wire wrapped around your neck so they can yank onto it whenever they feel like.
Your ex sounds very similar to him. I’ve lied to myself saying he’s just being a guy but he’s been showing signs of BPD since I met him. I also got told that all I ever do is find negative faults in him when I suggested he needs to seek help. I get it that his life has been very hard and very different but how much patience can you really show? Have you tried to move on and then feel overcome with guilt like you shouldn’t give up on them? or you move on and these people just decide to pop back into your life?!
I wish these people took responsibility for their actions. I don’t think any of my friends or family really get it, its so much easier for people to tell you to move on, you never know how hard it is until you are involved with someone like this.
You’d think a person would be happy to have someone in their life who loves them, I don’t understand the mentality of someone who constantly wants to sabotage and destroy love. It is probably obsession on their part than ours, I mean making an effort to play these dramatic games and suck you in does require dedication!
A borderline wants nothing more than control. It’s the only thing that eases their insecurities and fears. Until he seeks treatment, never believe he is pulling you back because he loves you. Believe me, I know how hard it is to quit the yo yo game. But you are much better off without him. And waiting for him to let you back in his life is only prolonging the abuse.
You will get over him over time. But first you have to see him for who he really is. And not what you remember him to be. Take the time to learn about his illness. Be willing to look at his darkside. This will help you detach.
The point of learning about BPD, is not to better understand him. The point is to realize how screwed up he is. Once you do this, you will wonder why you ever went back to him.
Just out of curiosity my friends. Recall your past relationships for a second. Prior to the BP one. I’m personally willing to guess that they were similar. As easily as a borderline can deny the truth is as easily as you can too. Stop and think back. Is this really the first relationship like this or were there a number? And if your past relationships were “normal” why did they all end?
As painful as this might turn out to be for you after however long it has been since YOU “blacked” your ex partner (possibly without medical evidence to prove anything), a careful retracing of your steps, throughout the course of those relationship might hurt a bit. Why? Well, because I suspect, after having gone through this ordeal myself, that you’ll recognise something deeply uncomfortable about YOU too.
The Borderline isn’t evil; just poorly. And for every inch of pain you suffered so did he/she…
“There have been times when he’d tell me how I’m everything he ever wanted”
Realize that this is why you keep going back to him and why he has you on a string. You have become dependent on his validation and idealization of you. He flatters your ego. This is why it is so hard to let go. This is not a relationship, it’s an addiction. Like a drug, we are always chasing that initial high. But eventually the damaging effects catch up with us. Part of the process of healing is becoming your own source of validation. This is crucial for your well-being because he is now in an abusive stage and you are in a very vulnerable one.
The borderline doesn’t mean to play games. But they too are being pushed and pulled. They long for intimacy but fear abandonment. In reality, they are not looking for intimacy, they are looking for the constant high of a new love. No person can supply this. Sooner or later the honeymoon has to end.
When he tells you to move on because he’s messed up, he’s looking out for himself, not you. Never ever think he is looking out for your best interest. He’s not. When we are talking about borderlines, we are talking about selfish lovers. You have become too close for comfort and it is freaking him out. You have achieved too much intimacy. Realize that you can never go back to the way it was because of this fact. I know you think he is having second thoughts, but he is only buying time. He is using you until he finds a replacement.
You obviously have a lot of love to give, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten involved with you. But your love is being wasted on a person who can’t appreciate you or your love. This will sound cheesy, but give that love to yourself. Once you can do that, you won’t need him or anyone else. Real love is about wanting, not needing.
You deserve better.
That man has left a void inside of you. And you are chasing him to fill it. But you have to accept that he is already out the door. He’s right. He is messed up. A messed up person is incapable of loving another person. What you thought was love was an illusion.
“When he tells you to move on because he’s messed up, he’s looking out for himself, not you. Never ever think he is looking out for your best interest. He’s not. When we are talking about borderlines, we are talking about selfish lovers. You have become too close for comfort and it is freaking him out.”
You are right…and I can’t speak for the man but I too have told one man that I was too hopelessly sick to be with him. It was true though. I was also doing it as an act of self-destruction. One less person at my funeral was my sick rationale in the heat of my rage. I saw him as being better off without me…well…he was of course. With that said I was so engrossed in my self-loathing I didn’t even think about how my words might be REALLY hurting him. In the aftermath, I felt such shame and regret about what I did to him that I wasn’t sure whether to vomit or faint.
I still shake typing this out.
Hey Emily,
I thank you for your honesty and your insight. I hope you can reach out to this guy and maybe tell him what you told me.
You say they don’t mean to play games… my ex-weirdfriend’s actions seemed carefully thought out and at one time he said to me that, in contrast to a difficult person we knew, “I’m not into those games – well I am but you guys don’t realise I’m playing.” This is what made me think he’s antisocial or at least cynical. After a while his headgames became relentless though, and I’m not sure anyone lives that way out of cool-headed strategic choice. I think seeing it that way was a means of gaining control over *himself*. Or maybe he is that cold and just walked away because he wasn’t winning. But his exit strategy sure looked borderline to me.
Let me clarify. The games they play are not the result of a borderline sitting in a dark room plotting how to screw someone over. That would be giving them too much credit. Borderlines that are out of control are operating on a purely primitive level. For instance, my ex loved to make me jealous if she felt rejected. But I believe it was instinctual for her, a knee jerk reaction. It was behavior she had learned from her parents and she was merely re-enacting the past. It wasn’t a plot, it was behavior that is hardwired into her system.
Just as their lies and manipulations are survival instincts, a means to avoid internal pain(theirs not yours).
I agree here Savorydish.
However, as stated previously, these characters are usually above average intelligence though. And although I cannot be too disparaging, because I might just be deluding myself, and because I don’t wish to invalidate the times of warmth, the “proven” close proximity between borderline and psychopathy is mildly unnerving.
I recall being asked by my ex: Do you love yourself? once. It meant nothing then but now… Also, when she told me that she always had an end game, that too went over my head; until after the cycle had ended….
Even though I have stated already that like attracts like, which I believe to be true, I can’t help but think that at least some of the time actions are indeed premeditated. Which leaves one wondering what hell is going to happen next!
Everything written here seems to ring so true to my situation. I hate to think that other people have to
put up with this hell too. I really wouldn’t wish such pain even on my worst enemy. It all began by
meeting this girl through work. I knew straight away that she was unstable. She had a boyfriend at the
time but pursued me regardless. Even after she relocated she kept in regular contact by email. Then
after a while she asked if I’d like to go travelling with her which I agreed to. I fell in love with her
during that time and the feeling seemed to be mutual. After returning however, she completely
shut me out of her life. It was three months until I heard from her again during which time she had
attempted suicide. A relationship then ensued and seemed to go amazingly well for two months. She
was still taking anti-depressants but seemed to get better as time went on. Then two weeks ago, she
called me and gave the wildest reasons as to why the relationship couldn’t continue. When I asked her
why she was doing this, she replied ‘I don’t know!’ and gave no indication when she might ever contact
me again. This was completely unexpected as only a week before we were planning our whole year together.
It’s so hard to believe that such a seemingly perfect relationship could turn so abusive.
I know she’s not an evil person deep down. Her life up to now has been terrible so I can’t really
hold anything against her. It’s just hard to believe that none of her love was actually real.
Thanks for sharing your story Huxley,
Sadly a lot of people, like us, do put up with this type of abusive behavior. We do it because people like this are very good at seducing people into their drama. I’m sure, in hindsight, you can see the red flags. The first one being the fact that she pursued you even though she had a boyfriend. While this might have been flattering to you, it would have only been a matter of time when she would have done the same to you. Trust me, I’ve been on both ends of this game. Infidelity is a sign of person who has no self-esteem. They are desperate for attention.
Her attempted suicide was a cry for help. This is a woman screaming for help. She is in a tremendous amount of pain. But the worst thing we can do is believe that we can help them. We can’t. Even most mental health professionals are ill-equipped to deal with someone who is this emotionally unstable.
Seemingly Perfect describes all these relationships. These relationships are much like the high someone would get off a drug. But eventually there will always be a crash. It goes back to the saying- if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.
Why did you allow yourself to be drawn into it Huxley? I’ll tell you, it was because of your own issues. The borderline saw these issues instantly! She was on a mission of validation. Sadly, your love meant not that much…
And this is why borderline relations are so painful to get over.
Reading these posts is so eerie because they hold up a mirror image of our own experiences. Mine too. It’s very comforting to know there are so many people out there who have experienced the same pattern of mindless, logic-defying madness that ultimately makes us question our own sanity. It’s also alarming that this disorder presents itself in such a consistent pattern, is so widespread and yet is something most of us will never have even heard of until it was too late.
I have no empirical proof that my ex-girlfriend of 18 months has BPD but by coincidence we share the same doctor and he told me that she was probably borderline and to stay away from her and never resume contact. This, of course, was unethical and a flagrant breach of patient confidentiality. But I was so emotionally spent at the time of the breakup – utterly bewildered and crushed that she could declare undying a few days before Christmas and then react to me taking an Xmas vacation with my children by cutting the relationship and expunging me from her life when we returned – that I think now he saw it as the lesser of two evils.
Certainly his tip-off has helped me enormously. Reading up about BPD and hearing the stories of others has given me great reassurance and comfort and been empowering too. I know the hellish hurt, the shock, the numbing pain and feeling of loss. Like a death. The frustration and torment of having them in your mind 24/7. People say just think of something else; if only it were that easy…
It’s been two and a bit months now and I still think about her all the time. But slowly I’m understanding and accepting the extent of her disorder and the impossibility of my ever making sense of her decision to excise the one love and stable force in her life. Because as you say, savorydish, there is no logic. And it’s ALL about control and fulfilment of their own needs. I’m starting to accept that I could never, ever mend her and that no one else will until she has been through therapy (which I suspect she will not persist with anyway because it’s just too painful and she is only ever one cross word or unwelcome suggestion away from bailing out of ANY relationship, including therapist-patient).
I’m in my mid-40s, a level-headed kind of guy with a good job, two teenage kids and a great family. Never before have I been involved in anything so messed up. Simply put, it was a breakup I thought I would not survive. But it DOES get easier, slowly, over time, by small increments. Believe that it will. Because it does.
Thank you Greenbach for your story and your comforting words. You’re right about it getting better. There are times when I miss the good times that we had, but maintaining this blog always reminds me of the downside. The people who tell you to “think of something else” have their hearts in the right place, but they just don’t understand. This is why it is important for us to spread awareness. Every time I hear someone give out the advice to “move on” or “let go”, I immediately think they just don’t get it. There is a general ignorance when it comes to BPD. Even amongst the college-educated. They don’t get it, because they assume that it’s a normal relationship. When it is anything but normal.
All we can do is keep telling our stories, and hope the rest of the world catches on. Your ex, like my ex, are still in denial. But that’s only because society allows them to move from one victim to another, without any accountability for their destructive behavior. But with awareness will come accountability. When they can no longer fly under the radar, they will be forced to acknowledge their disorder. Thanks again and best of luck in the future.
SD
[...] This title was posted a while back but it’s still receiving a lot of traffic and some new and insightful comments. Here are the comments, but if you want to read the original post just click here. [...]
For me the control that this girl was trying to exert on me became completely unacceptable. There were many irrational actions before this that would have been reason enough to leave her where I found her, but I put up with a lot of it because I really cared for the person that I originally met. She threatened to leave many times but finally she pulled the nuclear option over me getting together with my friends and I just let her go and cut her out of my life without even a reply. Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is in love with you or just drowning; both will cling to you just as tightly. She was ready to have children like yesterday because she believed that having children would be healing (God help these children), but she pulled the ‘I think I might be pregnant’ ruse the day before and that really woke me up to reality; I realized what a living hell my life would become if I were to be bound to this woman in any permanent way and I knew that I had to get out. The really scary thing is that this woman is a psychotherapist, and I’ve witnessed her have a complete psychotic break at least once. These people aren’t evil, but they aren’t very nice and not worth expending any energy on, particularly after you have walked away. Life is too short to spend time dealing with controlling people, completely absent of healthy emotional boundaries.
Not only do they seek to control you, they also project and falsely accuse you of controlling them. I remember my ex getting angry, because I suggested it was too dark for her to walk outside alone. She accused me of being controlling. Sure enough, the very next day she was mugged and accused me of not being there for her.
I have recently been there. I started to write this post twice about my experience but it started to turn into a book. My X also had been raped in her early twenties. I did not learn about it until a year into our relationship. She really played it down but I wonder just how much it affected her. Keep in mind this is someone I had known for 23 years and we dated in high school. She recently came back into my life.
Just some advice to anyone. Just run. It will zap your soul and drive you insane. A borderline works on an entirely different level of logic. They are not caring and they do not know how to love. You are only as good as your last conversation with them. They will tell you they have loved you all their lives and the next day you are the worse person for them.
When you leave them they will date your friends, ruin relationships with mutual friends, and tell lies to their new boyfriends about you. When you react to their inanity they will threaten you with restraining orders. Then they will come back to you. They will play vulnerable and seductive to get you back, and if you have any co-dependent tendencies you will take them back. Once they have you back they will tell you just how much they love you. They are smart, funny, charming and the good times are awesome and at those times you will love them and think perhaps it is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Get it in your head right now. There is no fixing them and it will not get better no matter how much of a white knight you are. Leave them and don’t look back. Get off facebook and break all contact until you feel strong. Do not respond to them and don’t even piss on them if they are on fire. They will try everything to get you back into their lives to repeat the hurtful cycle over and over again.
Case in point. In my last breakup with my BPD I caught her contacting men on craigslist for dates by reading her email. Our prior breakup resulted in her going after a guy I knew only to cheat on him with me. The remorse I got for reading her email and ending it was a call from the police threatening arrest for gaining access to her email. Three months later she starts contacting me again only to want to play I have a new guy game again. I refused to play. Two months after that she comes telling me the new great guy tried to strangle her. Me being the fool I get sucked in showing her compassion only to have her cycle of rejection and hurt start all over again. BTW…she got back together with the guy that tried to strangle her.
If she thinks you are the crazy one let her think that way. Do not try to explain your feelings to them as they don’t look at things as a history. They only react to the way they feel now and they will never see your point of view. They may pretend to have remorse but they do not. They are so caught up in their image of self it has nothing to do with you.
Save yourself and get out and forgive yourself for things you may have done or said during your time with your BPD. The fact you are here reading this means you are trying to make sense of things which already makes you a good person.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us, Chris.
[...] are guilty of too much compassion. A commenter, Chris, tells his story in response to a post titled When Borderlines Cut You Out of Their Life: I have recently been there. I started to write this post twice about my experience but it started [...]
All of these stories resonate with me. I never dated this BP, but we were best friends and I considered her to be my sister. It was a friendship of nearly seven years. I had helped her through a lot of her childhood abuse issues and I thought she was getting better. But over the last five months of the friendship I began to notice another side of her and began to suspect that she was lying to me about some self-destructive behavior. I finally caught her in the lies but instead of admitting it, she split black on me. She refused to speak to me and after several weeks of the silent treatment she sent a letter telling me to never contact her again. It’s been three months and I am still reeling, although I know how sick she is. I feel like a fool for not seeing it before. I don’t see a lot of people writing about their best friends wi BP turning on them. I was hoping to be pointed in a direction for finding some help to recover. Thanks in advance.
Hey Zan,
Sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve also lost a long-time friend I now suspect was borderline. He was a childhood friend. When we were young things seemed so simple. But as he grew older, things got complicated. When he told his family he was gay, they initially took it very hard. I think that fucked him up pretty bad. He is much more reluctant to trust people and very hostile. So much so that I’ve had to let go of that friendship. It was easy to let go because it was a gradual distancing. I wish him the best, but I can’t be around for the drama. So I can only imagine what you are going through. I would start with the BPD forums. If you post a message, I’m pretty sure someone can relate. There was a gal who commented here a month ago who lost a BP friend. I’ll post your comment and see if she responds.
I know what it’s like to feel like the fool. It sounds like you did see it. We all did. But she made you feel wanted and that is a powerful drug. That is an addiction that is hard to break. And like an addict you lie to yourself to keep the “drug” coming. But eventually the lies become too much. Most likely she was overcome with shame and the only way she could handle it was to shut you out. It’s hard not to take it personally especially when they split you black and cut you out cold turkey. This blog is evidence that you are not alone. It does get better though. I no longer miss my ex even though I am still saddened by the way it all ended and angry at the way she treated me. I am still recovering. It takes a long time to detox. Writing has helped me a lot. And hearing stories like yours also helps. Best of luck.
KSG asked:
Let me ask you this- if a UFO landed in your back yard, would you forget about it after a year? No, of course not. When you are visited by a person who is foreign to everything you hold true, it turns your world upside down. Borderlines are much like aliens from another planet. The normal rules of relationships do not apply.
You are a survivor of emotional abuse and co-dependent addiction. One does not just “get over it” or “move on”. Like someone who is addicted to drugs, you have to go through a recovery process. When you are in a relationship with a sick person, you too become sick. Furthermore, it is likely this was not your first dysfunctional relationship, which means your suffering has been compounded over time. So you have actually opened up old wounds from your past. All this takes a long time to heal.
But know that you are not alone.
Keep reading my friend. The answers to your question are here.
@KSG
I see that you are beating yourself up over this. Don’t let your inner voice invalidate what you feel. Don’t let others invalidate what you feel. What you feel is real. It is the normal and healthy reaction to being betrayed by someone you loved and trusted. The chances are you didn’t know the extent of his/her sickness till after the sudden break-up. This person probably put you up on a pedestal for a year and just recently pulled it out from under you. It is natural to want to make sense of that. Part of the process of healing is re-playing the relationship, like a football player watches footage of a game to figure out what went wrong.
Read all you can about BPD. And write your feelings down. When a borderline makes a hasty exit, they often try to place the blame on you. Their denial is strongest when they abandon a lover. Writing will help you put things in perspective. Always remember who is the sick one. Write down all the ways your ex tormented you. Write about his/her sickness. Get it all out. If it takes a year, two years, do it. Eventually you will start to feel a release. The writing helps to let go and de-sensitize. Writing will allow you to hold the borderline responsible for their bad behavior even if they try to cover it up. It’s been a year now and I can honestly say I have no more feelings of longing for my ex. The writing has helped me see her for who she really is. The fog has lifted and I can see clearly now.
Whether or not your ex is sick, he/she is still responsible for causing you pain. You have every right to be angry at him/her. Allow yourself to feel this anger. Do not suppress it or the stored up rage will explode at a later date. Being sick is not a get out of jail free card. Betrayal is betrayal. Mental illness does not mitigate this. BPD is not an excuse. It’s an explanation. Your ex owes you an apology. The decent thing for him/her to do is to own up to what he/she has done. And if he/she won’t own up, write them a reminder of what he/she has done to you. Whatever you do, do not let it slide. You will regret it. Let them live with the guilt of what they have done.
@KSG
As I posted above, although I was never in a “relationship” with my BPD, she was like my sister and for months I did exactly what you described – going over and over it in my head trying to make sense of the way she just split me to black. I still tend to do that, although it is so much better now. Everything @savorydish says is true. I’ll share a few of my “recovery techniques” – they really help me.
1. I spoke to a couple of psychologist friends of mine and did my best to objectively describe the friendship and how it ended and ask for their opinion. They both said without hesitation, “She is a classic borderline.” I keep going back to this when I start having doubts or feeling down – two separate professionals agree she is sick.
2. I’ve bookmarked this post and a number of other articles on BPD and go back and read them occasionally to remind myself that I am not the sick one, she is. It never stops amazing me how all of the descriptions are almost exactly the same.
3. I have a couple of friends who know and love me and knew about the friendship and its dissolution. They are kind enough to call me and check on me and remind me that I am not the sick one and I was manipulated and taken advantage of.
All of these things get me “out of my head” and help me to get perspective on things. It still hurts and I still get angry, and that is normal, fine, and necessary, but I try not to get trapped in my own thoughts.
@hagiophile
Thanks for your response…all of your suggestions are helpful and I will make use of them.
Did you feel like the crazy one–the one in the wrong…always? Did you intellectually know you were not wrong/crazy/at fault but just could not emotionally connect with what intellectually you knew? That’s where I am. I know one thing, I feel another. And guilt, I feel such guilt…for what I didn’t see, didn’t understand, didn’t know.
It’s all so confusing, heartbreaking and painful–still, almost 5 months later.
I’m still trying to figure out what the hell happened after 7-weeks. Was it my fault? I ask. Am I the borderline? Really confusing. I wrote down as many “incidents” as I could. It helped.
Just accept that you may have tangoed too, and that you may have been less than kind in response at times, but also remember those red flags! Avoid them in future if you can….
@savorydish
Thanks for your responses–very appreciated.
You’re right, I am beating myself up–constantly and for just about everything. For missing him still–almost 5 months later. For what I didn’t see, didn’t understand, didn’t say–and for what I did say when we were together. For not helping him, for hurting him–when it was the last thing I wanted or meant to do. For longing for him, thinking about him constantly and obsessing over him and what he’s doing and how he is. For loving him still–despite the rage and abuse he has thrown at me. I beat myself up for ignoring what I knew were borderline traits early on. I beat myself up for doing this to myself. And you’re right…this is not my first dysfunctional relationship–I feel ridiculous that I have not learned enough to have avoided this painful mess–and it is a mess. I want to share my story here, but honestly, it is such a dark and ridiculous year long story that I’m honestly embarrassed to admit all that I rationalized and excused.
For now, I’m just trying to find a way to gain perspective and quiet the ruminations–and find some peace. Finally allowing myself to admit that my ex is a BP–and what I have read here–has been helpful and offered some relief–but it’s also heartbreaking…because it means that my relief comes with the understanding that the man that I love is so very broken, lost and ultimately living in fear and with such lonely pain…I don’t know how to feel better about that. I can’t get perspective no matter how hard I try…I leel so lost in it all.
You’re welcome. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. And the gift of time. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it will give you some breathing room. Right now you are neck-deep in borderline drama. Take some time to process it. Write, write, write. Write obsessively, whenever you feel angry, hurt or guilty. Perspective comes with time. As you read more, you will feel less lost. As you write more, it will help you make sense of it all. You can’t change the past. But you can change the future.
Realize that nobody here is a saint. We’ve all done things we regret. BPD brings out the worst in us (this includes partners of borderlines). This kind of relationship makes everyone involved crazy.
Don’t feel stupid for missing him. You are human. You fell in love with another human being. Of course, you still miss him. Just because he’s borderline, it doesn’t mean you will love him any less. Realize that part of the reason you fell for him was the fact that he was damaged. Recognize that pattern and never repeat it.
Realize you are still in the fog of a BPD relationship. You still see him through rose-colored glasses. Now is the time to remember all the horrible things he did to you. Only when you are able to see him for who he really is will you be able to detach from the co-dependent bond.
ps- Sharing your story always helps. Don’t worry about how dark it is or how ridiculous it may seem to you. Such is BPD. You will be surprised how many of us share the same story. Best of luck.
My borderline didn’t “do” horrible things to me. It was all psychological… Just as damaging!
@KSG
You know I never felt guilt, I knew I was not the guilty one. I was just so confused, and I obsessed over it. WHY? WHY? Why would my best friend, someone I consider as close as a sister lie to me for months, then cut me out of her life and blame and accuse me? There was pain (it was like she tore open my heart and crapped in it) but it was mostly mental confusion – it did not make sense. But as I began to get perspective and realize (and admit) that she was borderline, my reason was able to override my emotions. It took awhile, but it got better. I had to keep relying on outside sources to “remind” me that I was not the crazy one. There was lots of anger too, since I knew I would not treat my worst enemy the way she treated me. But once again – I am not the sick one. That is the problem, you are thinking like a “non” and all that will do is cause turmoil trying to understand why a BPD splits you to black. Just keep focusing on your intellect, it will override you emotions one day. Get perspective on it all.
Overall, I felt like a fool – that I had been had for so many years. She had mirrored me and although I had hints, I chose to ignore them. I am pretty prideful, so I don’t like being made to look like a fool, but that is exactly why happened. I’ve grown in humility fortunately.
It’s been three months for me, it has been a long journey and I have my moments – but I promise it gets better. You just have to detox and keep reminding yourself that you are not crazy.
Just in case you are interested, this article was very helpful to me:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200906/blackwhite-interpersonal-relationships-and-borderline-behavior
thanks for the article.
My former best friend has turned into a total stranger and has started treating me like a freak. She literally runs away from me when she spots me. Its totally heart breaking. But it upsets me so bad because she acts like shes scared of me. but there is nothing to be scared about so how to I start to get her to understand that she needs to get a grip?? Seriously.
@Tella – The sad reality is that you can’t make her understand that she needs to get a grip. Trying to do so will almost certainly make it worst. Last week marked 9 months that my ex-best friend spilt me black, and it has been rough going. Although things are much better now, there is a still part of me that wants to tell her to “get a grip” (however there is a bigger part of me that wants to tell her to go f herself). Sorry it hurts so much and is so confusing, but trying to talk to her will only make it worse.
Thank you Zan, So sorry for your drama. I have one more question? Ok so she has spit my black. Has gone silent, and refuses to talk to me. on month 4. It does not help that we live 5 minutes away from each other because I see her all the time. UCK! Are borderlines jealous of their ex friends? and would they try to make them jealous?? I have lost most of our mutual friends because of her lies, of they are the ones who believed them. But she is a VERY good manipulator anyway, I started dating someone then she started dating someone then She starts telling her few friends that she adores them and loves them?? Is that just to be cruel to me or get my attention?? DO they mirror you? She so likes to play victim!! I need your opinion on what I should do?? Ignore her being mean & tell her to F off? LOL which is so not me but this is ridiculous! Or should show compassion and be happy for her?? ANd what is she trying to tell me?? I hate you and have moved on to better friends??? or you hurt me and now you must pay??
@Tella – Here is the crucial thing to never forget: Borderlines are capable of loving only one thing in their lives – themselves. Everything they do is to assuage the shame they feel about who they are. Everything. Are they jealous of their ex-friends? From what I understand, once you are split black permanently, you are absolutely dead to them. Remember, they do not feel and process emotions like you do. Think of the pain you are feeling – a normal person would never do that to someone they love, it would tear them apart. The only way she can cope is by not feeling and getting others to hate you by telling lies. To a great degree my ex-BPD friend did the same to me, although she couldn’t lie to others too much, because she knew I knew her dirty little secret that she was and is still trying to hide. Here’s my advice – quit trying to care about why she is doing the things she is doing and stop trying to figure it out. It will only drive you nuts – I’ve been there. You have to ignore her – if you show her even the least bit of attention she can leverage it against you. Don’t hate her – these people are to be pitied, but whatever you do – stay away. I think to myself whenever I miss my friend or wonder what she is doing – why am I even giving a s*** about someone who never gave a s*** about me. If you let her back in, she’ll manipulate. She kicked you off of a sinking ship, rejoice. You are better off. Hopefully Savory can chime in – his insights are spot on. Next to Savory, I’ve found this ladies articles on BPD to be insightful and helpful:
http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html
Keep pressing on, and we’re always here to help and support.
Another thing that really helped me find my bearings after I was split to black was music. There were a number of songs that really helped me to process my feelings, but no other song did as good of a job as this one by Tom Petty:
This will always be her “theme song.”
I can suggest a few other similar songs if you are interested.
Great pick. Keep’em comin’.
[...] This Tom Petty video sent to me courtesy of Zan. He’s choosing it as the theme song for his ex-borderline friend. Song writers are so good at capturing the essence of a BPD relationship, it makes me wonder why creative types are so susceptible to borderline charms. Creativity is a healthy way to express pain. [...]
Hi. I know nobody has posted on this thread in a while but I was hoping I could get some feedback. We are both 18 in this situation
My friend never told me if she was diagnosed with BD, but I suspect she is.
She went through a horrible incident in july which triggered her to attempt suicide. I was the one she told and I called the ambulance for her and I was there for her through everything. She told me she was diagnosed as being severely depressed. After she came out of the clinic everything seemed fine for a month or so. She seemed to be herself and we hung out constantly. I am the only one she told about the incident and the suicide, none of our other friends know. We were extremely, extremely close.
Then about 2 weeks ago she ignored me for about 3 days. Then went back to normal. Then starting last week she COMPLETELY froze me out. In person you would think that I was some random person trying to talk to her. She is completely ignoring me. For literally no reason.
Does this sound like a borderline personality?
Hey Leanna,
She does sound like a borderline. If she froze you out, it is a sign that she is afraid of the intimate bond that you two had. A borderline rejects you before you can reject them. You know too much and she feels vulnerable. So the only way for her to deal is to lock you out and become emotionally distant.
Leanna,
I’m no psychotherapist, and I can’t diagnose – but there is SOMETHING going on there. Normal people just don’t shut people they love out of their lives.
I’d be curious to know if she was ever sexually abused and what her family of origins is like. Does she have a history of self-mutilation? These things can often act as the genesis of BPD.
You may never know if it is BPD, but you know enough to stay away. I was split black by my BPD best friend earlier this year, and I am still processing the pain. I feel like a fool at times for not seeing it. But the thing that I have taken away from it, is that I am hyper-aware of being emotionally manipulated by others. I am on my guard to never let it happen again. Hopefully your experience, as painful as it is, might help you to become more aware of this too.
So sorry that you’ve had to endure this. I know it does not deal with your situation exactly, but this article might help you understand her behavior a bit better:
http://organizationalchangesolutions.wordpress.com/2011/03/11/deception-and-the-borderline-personality-what-could-have-been/
My borderline IS a psychotherapist! A very common career choice for BPD’s by the way…
Great article with poignant truth from a lived experienced and so true to life for what so many partners and families experience in the maze of borderline behaviors….
[...] Readers frequently ask why borderlines inexplicably shut loved ones out of their life. They are particularly confused when they did nothing to cause such a fearful reaction. In fact, many of these kind souls tried to help and support the borderline despite the never-ending drama. But their kind nature is exactly why the borderline has shut them out and (in many cases) turned on them. It doesn’t make sense because that is the nature of PDs. They defy logic. If you were to ask borderlines, themselves, they might also wonder why they behave this way. The following was a confession by a borderline who was struck with the fear that she might be discovered: Hi All, I think I am selfish. My BPD is underlined by some selfishness. Do you have similar feelings? [...]
Have you recently met someone online (for example) who is just TOO good to be true? Have you been placed upon a pedestal so high that you feel that only death can occur by falling? Told how amazing you are 24/7? Relentless tales about a troubled past? Failed relationships and how badly they were treated or of inordinate personal trial or tragedy? Potentially serious physical ailments? How they hate their cruel mother? Talk of marriage and settling down within weeks? Incredible sex! Marathon phone calls? Constant interaction? Been convinced that you’ll share a life together because he/she drummed the notion into your brain? Did they somehow convince you that only YOU could save them from further strive? If you’re nodding your head, this is known as IDEALIZATION. It WILL NOT last and could mean that you are being “groomed” by an individual suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder…
http://thegoodnarcissist.wordpress.com/
Reading all of your stories is like seeing my life in front of my eyes right now…I’ve been in two borderline relationships, which actually makes me think now that there must be something wrong with me or maybe I’m somehow attracting those type of people. I don’t know.
My first borderline relationship lasted for two years. It was a crazy emotional rollercoaster. One day everything was just perfect and the other day he was accusing me of infidelity and would start a huge argument for no reason. One day I would be idealized by him and the other day he would make me feel totally worthless. He would say that he loves me and wants to be with me forever and then suddenly cut me off from his life. It was painful, very painful. I didn’t know how to escape from it, so I moved out to another country. I had to leave him for good and that did help me in the beginning. I’ve managed to forget about him.
I started my master’s degree and met a new guy after few months. Oh my God, after the first week of dating him I knew he was “the one”. I’ve never been in love like this before. He was perfect – funny, extremely intelligent, hard-working, very affectionate and passionate. We had exactly the same sense of humor, enjoyed the same things. I was extremely happy. It was all I needed after what I’ve been through with my ex.
A month later he told me about his ex-girlfriend – that he still misses her and that we should have a break, because he needs to get his head straight. It was fair enough for me. I got hurt, but appreciated his honesty. Our separation didn’t last for long. Few days later he came back, saying that he wants us to be together. I was happy again. We scheduled our first trip and were seeing each other almost every day. There were times he was acting strange trying to push me away or blame me for his own mistakes. I started to think that he might be also a bpd person, just like my ex. Week before the trip he told me that he is not able to commit anymore and that it would be better for us to separate. He still insisted on going on that trip with me, however just as a friend. Obviously he couldn’t keep the distance and we got back together during that trip and then just after the trip had ended we broke up again.
It’s been already two years now and nothing has changed. We spend a lot of time together, enjoy each others’ company, have loads of fun and travel a lot. However it is never stable. He is unbearable when he has his mood swings. He hurts me so bad by making me totally worthless, but he cannot leave me. He always comes back and he doesn’t want to let me go. I love him so much, so I always fall into his false promises. I believe him when he talks about marriage but then his dark side comes out and I wake up from my dream and then I become miserable again.
I tried to talk to him many times about the therapy. He acknowledges that he has a problem, but he doesn’t want to treat it as it is not a physical pain so it doesn’t matter to him. Each time I tell him that I love him, he denies my feelings by saying that it is a lie or that he doesn’t want to hear about love as it doesn’t exist in his world. The weirdest thing is that I can see his love. In “healthy” periods he takes really good care of me and treats me extremely well showing a lot of affection. I feel like I’m the only one that matters for him. However, as I wrote before it never lasts..
After two years of being with him and after another stupid fight about nothing I decided to contact his ex-girlfriend, who turned out to be the sweetest girl in the world. She told me her story. It was very similar to mine, however the only difference was that he did propose to her. She couldn’t however stand this emotional turmoil and rejected him. She couldn’t stand crying anymore and had to leave him. She made a right choice. She freed herself. However, I think that this made his condition even worse and now he has even bigger trust issues. That’s why he doesn’t want to acknowledge my feelings.
He is moving to Australia in few months. We were supposed to go together, but then again after another stupid and pointless fight he decided that it is a bad idea and that he better goes alone. We are still seeing other. He still makes me feel like I mean something to him. And I still love him. I can’t imagine him disappearing from my life. I’m so hooked up…I cannot think clearly now. I wish I could help him, but I know I can’t and this terrifies me. He used to tell me that he will die before 35. He said that for him that’s enough and that he wants to die alone. I don’t want him to commit asuicide. He is so intelligent and so bright, he has an amazing career and I believe that his life could be just perfect if he let someone help him.
I know that I should just leave him. I know I should let him go and that would be definitely the best thing for me. But I simply can’t. I think about him every day. I cry when he is not around and I’m so happy when he is with me. What should I do? I don’t know…I’m so sad right now.
I feel your pain. But know this-
You are falling into the co-dependent trap. YOU can not help him. He must seek help from a trained professional. Being emotionally damaged is a serious issue. Do not try to cover for him. He is an abusive personality PERIOD. Do NOT contact him, he will only play with your emotions. He will tell you what you want to hear.
Read everything you can about his disease. See him for who he is. Not what you perceive him to be. You are stuck in the clouds. And what you need is a major dose of reality. That is how to detach yourself. Good luck.
And yes, you ARE attracting people like this. I have too. The first step to not attracting people like this is to address your own issues. Take care of yourself and address your past. Learn all you can about his disease but include learning about yourself.
Thank you for your support:-)
You know, but the problem is that I don’t know who he is. Very often I see him as a loving person, who cares so much for animals and can offer selfless help to strangers. I can see so much love in him, which actually makes me really confused. I can’t forget the look in his eye when he sees me after a long period of separation and wants me to come back. The problem is that I see his love. But apparently it is just an illusion….
I tried to separate for a longer periods…I think the longest one was 2 months. We have some common friends, we were studying together so it is extremely hard to cut him off. And he always comes back. Once I stopped talking to him and stopped replying his messages. After that he told me that he has a new girl (now I know it was a lie), which that time made me really jealous so I decided to get him back. Now I know that he actually projected it on me. He tried to get me back and he couldn’t, so he found a way to make me be in his shoes. Unfortunately, each time after I come back it is always fine only for few months and then he flips out, get his mood swings and starts blaming me for things. Everything we’ve built up is gone. Each time we start from the beginning and we always reach the same point. I’m really fed up now. I feel depressed. Currently I’m working on my phd and I can’t focus on any of my work. I try to go out with my friends and enjoy myself, but enjoyment lasts only for few hours and then after I get home I feel like having him beside me…
I know the reality. I know that he is sick. I know that he is destructive and that I shouldn’t be with him and shouldn’t even care. But it is so easy to say and so hard to do…
I’m trying, that’s why I’ve posted my story on your blog:-)
Thank you for such a quick response and your support!
How can you love someone when you don’t know who they are?
True love requires a degree of constancy. Not mood swings and personality changes. He is not capable of true love. What you perceive to be loving behavior is an act. You have seen first hand that borderlines can not keep up the act. Eventually their true self is revealed.
You are tolerating abuse. The push and pull mind games will have a serious impact on your well-being. So why do you allow it to continue?
It is easier said than done to cut him off. But it makes it harder when secretly you don’t want to cut him off. You must learn to be happy and whole without him. The change starts with you. You have to be strong enough to say “no more”.
I have no idea why I attract people, who are like this. I mean I had a pretty happy childhood, full of love and care. I had almost everything I needed. Still my family is a bit messed up. My mom lied to me about who my real father was and I was brought up believing that it was some other person before I got to know the truth. Still, I don’t remember whether it had such a big impact on me at that time. I might have cried for few hours and that was it. Seriously I don’t know…I don’t remember it that well.
Besides my family is a bit overprotective, which also might be an issue. Is it connected? How to deal with that? Sorry to ask but how did you deal with your own issues? Have you seen a therapist?
Thanks:-)
I do recommend a therapist if you feel you are not strong enough to deal. There is no shame in that. You are hurt, and a therapist will provide the support you need.
But know that a therapist can only help you so much. They can steer you in the right direction and give you insight.
But ultimately, you have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to look at yourself and your relationships with total honesty.
I’m more of a DIYer, but everybody has their own way.
You say you had a happy past. But in the same breath, you say your family was messed up. Your story is conflicted. Maybe you need a therapist to help you see the big picture. I’ve spent the good part of my life, examining my life and my past. So when the storm hit, I was prepared to deal. It was hard, but I had the tools I needed to bounce back. But I am still working out issues. It will most likely be a lifelong struggle. So you are not alone.
Writing for this blog has helped me tremendously. I highly recommend writing down your own experiences and doing your own research.
Hi all,
I love the commentary. It’s given me a lot of insight as to what my guy is feeling. Because I’m the one with BPD. I don’t even know what to do with myself any longer. This repetitive self-destructive behavior, these childish temper tantrums, are so exhausting. And when I think about the things I’ve said to him, I just want to curl up in a corner. I’m so ashamed of myself and so full of regret. When I think about it, everything that I’ve said should’ve probably been said to me.
The whole hot and cold cycle went on for months, until a month ago when he finally blocked me out of his life. I’m so sad that he’s gone and I wish I can apologize, but these constant pleas for forgiveness have become completely meaningless.
Sigh…I’m so confused.
It takes a lot of strength to admit what you just admitted. Thanks for sharing your story. Hope you find some clarity in your life.
Hi I’m going through the same thing with a guy I met. I seem to always be the caregiver in these relationships. They are a pattern for me. The thing is I have been through every kind of abuse and do not have a good relationship with my mother. She is very mentally abusive to me, but I cling and fall in love easily to the wrong people though. I also used to cut myself when I was a teenager. I have no urge now and thought now that I’m a mother i was really over these kinds of relationships. I was so careful and waited a very long time before I found this guy and it we bonded fast and he did talk of marriage, children, moving in all within a month. Now I see this and when I date it will forever be a red flag not to go forward. My problem is though, that I am pregnant with his child and don’t know what to do. He is freaking out and won’t acknowledge it and is being very cold and cruel to me. I am feeling scared and sorry for this baby. But, I trust in God and pray every night that he will cure this disorder and make our lives whole. I really feel for all of you because this is a serious problem that causes so much pain for all involved. He called my daughters dad a jerk and said he’d never do anything like that to me, but then he has and I can’t believe it. He knew how much I didn’t want this go through a pregnancy alone again. All I can do is wait it out and hope it isn’t hell on me for the next 18 years. May God bless all of us!!!
It really is a terrible illness or condition. I loved a girl, got to know her over a period of a year even though I didn’t really “know her.”
Became a couple with her and over 18 months, it was a roller coaster ride from hell. The list of strange and bizarre happenings is too long to list. Four months in, she was pregnant with my child
and as I sit here today, the riddle is no more.
Her family and friends are her enablers. She is considered the black sheep of her family by her admission but she seems to be
tolerated and encouraged as a professional victim.
We were on for a year and a half and one day, I lost my cool and
she was gone. Then came the false allegations of assault and a restraining order. Just like the way her family got rid of her ex. They are real people persons.
As I sit her now, it has been a year and a half since I have seen my son or heard from her. She’s gone and most of the time forgotten. I see her for what she is and it is sad.
I am 7 months removed from my bpd ex girlfriend and am proud to say I have come a long way in that time. Some people say that nons have childhood trauma issues that make them susceptible to the ways of those with BPD.
In my case I don’t find this true.I had a great childhood, no fears of abandonment, I’m not a rescurer, don’t suffer from low self esteem or confidence by nature. What I can say is that I am an understanding person with a big heart and had a lot of love to give and am not afraid to honestly express myself when needed. These are good qualities but in my BPD relationship it served also as a curse. Even as healthy people, we are never more vulnerable than to demonstrate these traits with trust and belief to another person whether they have personality issues or not.. I for one had no clue my ex had BPD, neither did she for she was undiagnosed and probably still is.( Found that out afterwards from help of a friend who is a psych major and prompted me to research BPD) I believe she even knew something wasn’t queit right within herself as she would refer to herself as being weird and misunderstood. Which intrigued me being she is a very attractive girl so I thought it was sort of cute. I didn’t have any idea that I was dealing with a BPD and was being split black and white throughout.
I have experienced the same feelings and stressors as you all have associated being involved with a BPD during and after the relationship. I was a healthy person who’s emotional health started to deteriorate severely after being exposed to BPD behavior. I was a deer caught in the headlights but am now feeling more like my healthier self. Looking back I see many red flags I ignored. All of the ambivalence, emotional abuse I endured when I expressed my needs, and the push-and-pull tactics, etc hit you hard subconsiously but you don’t notice it til after the fact. I understand that these things happen in healthy relationships but when it happens 100 out of 100 times or in a cyclic pattern with no real resolve it’s dysfunctional. What kept me there for as long as I stayed (she cut me out of her life after an arguement)was me giving her the benefit of the doubt, trusting her, and knowing that the concerns could be simple misunderstandings for both of us but she always acted in an immature manner about it. Thinking that she was a normal girl who may have been just as confused as I was about us, I would show compasssion during these fights enabling her to hook guilt inside of me therefore, allowing her to escape accountability for her actions and me unwittingly ignoring my needs. I can say that my compassion in hard times, loyalty, love for her as atleast a friend and trying to find closure out of understanding with her was a dead end trap.
To all who have suffered from these relationships fight to get yourself back even harder than you fought for your BPD partner. Understand that even if you are a healthy, functional person you can’t have a healthy, functional relationship with a dysfunctional person. It is a day by day process in healing but get yourself healthy again or even healthier than you were before the BPD relationship so that you can have a healthy, functioning relationship with yourself as well as with another like wise. You must be honest with yourself as in why you stayed and tolerated the abuse, what made you feel you could rescue such a person(if you got involved knowing they had BPD), and pick out your healthy qualities as well as your unhealthy ones that may have contributed. I can honestly say I suffered because I accepted this person in my heart as a human being and overstepped my own boundaries that I had set for myself in the relationship towards the end. I may have been a little addicticted to her flavor as well once exposed. I didn’t protect myself from her controlling behavior as well as I could have which for me was to leave and not come back like I once did. I am still healing and realize that even though I am much healthier now, I still have some ways to go. Put God first.
I have had two relationships prior to this and can say that they both were healthy and understanding. In being so, even though we have broke up I am friends with my exes out of mutual respect. When you’re in a healthy relationship you don’t have to show the vast amount of compassion and care that you feel you had to show to the borderline. A healthy person will realize what they have after a certain amount of time and will be appreciative so they will reciprocate. A healthy person wouldn’t want to keep you in the swamp of confusion for your sake and theirs. When I recall the beginning of my BPD relationship; I was bounded by fascination, curiosity of this attractive girl who carried herself in a down to earth fashion that I felt was someone I could relate to.(WRONG). It was something different that gave me an overwhelming feeling that my previous relationships didn’t give me at the beginning.
HAS ANYONE ELSE GONE THROUGH THESE THOUGHTS
As I was pondering my thoughts of whether I could have been wrong in the relationship or not I thought about all the good things my BPDw has done for me. I’m going to make this as succinct as possible because there are so many thoughts, and no one wants to read a novel at this point.
In the beginning my BPDw was in a relationship with an acquaintance of mine and weighed about 168 pounds. She broke up with him so she could go and get me. They use to come to the gigs I played at, and I thought they were an item, but little to my surprise they were apparently not. She ended up getting a gym trainer and lost 68 pounds. She told me later that she did this in order to get me. She started coming to my house to talk because apparently she was having trouble with her relationship. Now mind you, I was unaware of this disorder. She would take me to lunch and say how this other guy lost his job and was not handling his part of the relationship. He was a slob, didn’t do the cleaning around the house, and a slew of other things. She made him look like the dark knight in dull armour. Before you knew it she would be waiting on my front porch for me to come home so she could talk. She would complain quite a bit. Why didn’t I see the red FLAG. Before I knew it she told me she kicked the other guy out. And before I knew it I was falling for her. I asked her one weekend to come over and we can spend some time together in my hot tub and talk. As we talked she lowered her bathing suite turned around and asked if I wanted to see her tattoo. Well, I was surprised, but told her it was interesting. She had a guitar and the name of the guy on her backside. She later covered it up with my name. That day she had me in the sack, and the rest is self-explanatory. I had told her that I had a disease and that I was slightly sexually dysfunctional before the relationship was even thought of. You see, she is an RN and I thought she would know a good doctor that could help me. Little did I know that this was a weakness she put into her memory bank. She told me when we were in bed that she wanted to know what she was up against, and told me she would be able to handle it. Before you knew it in a matter of weeks she called me up and said she wants to move in with me. I helped to move her in and the relationship started.
We had talked about marriage because she said she doesn’t live with another man unless she marries him. Another red flag I was unaware of. So, I said lets take some time and do some thinking and some planning. With this statement she thought I said yes. Within a matter of a month she had planned that we got married the following weekend in Las Vegas. I didn’t say a word. The weekend came and she said what time do you want to leave in the morning, and I said leave for where? All of a sudden she started pounding on the wall screaming you said you would marry me. RED FLAG!! I didn’t see it because I had my disorders I guess. I said OK what time do you want to leave. STUPID!
Well, after the marriage everything was great until more red flags started to show. She would follow me around the house touching my crotch and telling me constantly to pull my pants down. If I would say no not now she would get deeply offended. She would give me pedicures, baths, organize my medicine, and much more. I didn’t know about the clingy side of the BPD person! I actually felt that I had it made. I was in second heaven with all this attention.
Things started to change! She started to tell me she was into instant gratification. She didn’t have credit cards because she had bad credit. I had the credit cards. I owned my own house, and she started saying things like you have a house and credit cards and she didn’t. With her instant gratification she had to buy stuff for the house immediately which caused me to file for bankruptcy now. When I would try to talk to her about the situation it would only trigger an episode. I was starting to get depressed about this. Oh yea, she would pay some of the bills, but only minimum. She told me if she helped to pay off the debt I would leave her. My depression started to stress her out, so she started back into gambling which at first I was unaware she actually had a compulsive habit. This only got me more depressed. The more I got depressed the more she would go gambling. She said it relieved her stress.
Also, I found out too late that the other guy wasn’t a slob, but they were. My BPDw wife and her 12 year old daughter were the slobs. They almost ruined my house because of it. When I tried to teach her daughter responsibility my BPDw would reprimand me in front of her daughter, so now her daughter learned to treat me with disrespect. I was at my wits end. I told them they had to leave. Before they left my BPDw cried saying she didn’t want a divorce. I said then we are going to have to work at it. For eight months I traveled 49 mile to her house to help her. I would fix things around the house and yard, take them to dinner because she didn’t cook even though she knew how to. She became more concerned about her going to the casino than me or her daughter. I was still spending money on her and her daughter, and I was treated like an intruder more than a husband by the both of them. I would travel like I said 49 mile one way only to be thrown out for things I couldn’t figure out. She would forever let me know directly or indirectly how I told her to leave and that she had to live the way she was living. Her rent was half what I pay for on my mortgage, and she made $90,000.00/yr, and she is always broke at the end of the month. I’ve told her to stop gambling and stop spending impulsively, but this would only trigger screaming rants of rage and was told to go home. I finally had it and ended the relationship.
I had to write this, and could of written much more. This shows me all of the traits of a borderline. There was the honeymoon, the clinging, the splitting, the devaluation, irrationality, projection by telling me it was all my fault, and more, but I would have written a novel. Now her daughter is starting to have the same traits. This make me see that there were more bad than good in the relationship, and I thought I was 100% the cause of the breakup. Whew, and I actually wanted to kill myself.
Has anyone had similar circumstances? It really helps to go over this because we would go mentally insane trying to figure out whether we could of done something different. I was so severely hurt because of the honeymoon; I couldn’t see the forest from the trees. I do feel slightly better now that I wrote this. I’m extremely thankful for site like this because I was about to commit myself into the insane asylum. I am very grateful for sites like this trying to make the public aware of this terrible disorder. I can’t thank all of you enough!
Bob
Wow, you’ve no idea how relieved I am to find this site. Actually, you probably DO know exactly how I feel. I feel like I’m no longer alone after reading these stories.
I’m going through my own hell right now. I was ‘friends’ with a man for two years. We had a VERY intense sexual thing but were never together as such for one reason or another (by his choice – I was always waiting). He would shower me with compliments, tell me how much he loved me and talked of a future together. He’d text me constantly (especially if he knew I’d be out rather than sitting at home alone), was needy but I thought it was because he loved me.
He’s had a girlfriend for the last year he’s been ‘stuck’ in a relationship with and needed time before he could leave her for me. I’m almost laughing out loud because I can’t believe how stupid I was.
This man is a COMPULSIVE liar (about even the littlest most irrelevant things), highly promiscuous (which I knew deep down but didn’t want to admit) and would reel me in til he got me where he wanted and then ditch me and call me needy the second I would reciprocate the attention and the talk of our future.
I feel stupid, embarrassed, angry and heartbroken. It all ended six weeks ago where I exposed him on something he did and was angry at him, so the next thing I know, he has totally cut me out of his life after suggesting i was to blame for this certain incident (which I had nothing to do with). Deleted me from fb, no word since.
I know this is a good thing deep down but I’m so shattered and feel like my heart has
been ripped out. For someone to be such a big part of my world for two years, someone I know has terrible issues from his past which he won’t go in to but I stood by and thought I could help him, for me to just erase me from his life like this…….it hurts beyond belief.
I am a smart, successful and wonderful woman with the whole world at her feet. How the fuck did I get myself into this where I’m tortured for hours a day with thoughts of this man and trying to make sense of it all??? How do I climb out of this hole?
Thanks for listening to my story. I feel less alone, as hard as this all is.
You’re welcome. The best thing I can tell you is to keep reading. You’re not alone. And the more you know, the more you will realize he did you a favor by cutting you out. It doesn’t seem like it now. But it will. I promise. I went through the same pain and came out the other side a wiser person. You will too. Write your feelings down and let them out. Never let anybody tell you to get over it. You will when YOU are ready.
Don’t feel bad. Even smart people get suckered into loving screwed up people. This is not about brains or a lack of it. This is about repeating patterns that have been with you for a long time. Be conscious and learn how to break that pattern. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your response. I know deep down that he actually did me a favor by discarding me, but it just hurts so much. I think about him all the time still. I miss him. Though I’m not sure why – the constant pull-me-in/push-me-away is now over. It’s like we only remember the good, whatever that was.
Do they come back? Like I said, it’s only been six weeks. I wish I knew for certain I was never going to hear from him again but with the way it ended, I feel like he will be back and asking for another chance at our ‘friendship’. I wish there was a way to know so I can prepare myself.
Thanks again for all you said. I’ll keep coming here and reading. I’m also reading a couple of other (sociopath) blogs as well, which seem to fit him also. They really seem to help too when I’m feeling down or missing him.
I love this blog SD. It’s been very helpful and I follow the stories closely via email as well as trying to document and help others going through this pain on my own little blog. Thank you…
The worst thing about these damned relationships is the blame factor. After being cut out of my ex Borderline’s life I struggled massively with it. Still do. I keep asking myself, out-loud sometimes: was it my fault? Am I the BPD? Like a scratched record I get caught within this ridiculous groove. At one point I felt like committing suicide. I reached out. Sent her a text telling her how I was feeling. Told her I was missing her. Her reply floored me. She said: “How are you missing me?” After everything we shared; the daily online interaction, the long phone conversations, the meetings, the intimacy, that was all she had to say regarding my suicidal thoughts. Bitch! Thankfully now, four months later, I’m no longer in that place so much but I find that the emotions come and go in waves. Only yesterday I started to feel down again after a few weeks respite.
I can’t figure it out in truth. I believe that’s what keeps us enmeshed long after the Borderline scarpers. It’s the unfathomability of the situation. How the hell did she stroll away like that without a backward glance? I certainly couldn’t pull that one off. My Borderline told me she was infatuated not in love. This, after all her talk of my being “the right person”, lmao! We even discussed marriage. I don’t hate my ex but I do sometimes wish she’s soften and reach out to me. Just so I can tell her to fuck off! She always had to be in command. Total control was her mantra. I was a fool for keeping on. I should have done the blocking. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have that capacity within me. I loved the cow…
Anyway, I’m still blocked, still hurting, still ruminating. She knows this intuitively. They do. It’s one of their special gifts. And it makes them stronger. Very sad.
@Sadie: If he does return it’ll be because he needs more narcissistic supply from you. Maybe his new “project” dumped him or became a problem for him…?
It won’t be because he genuinely loved you. If he loved you he simply wouldn’t have been capable of deserting you like he did. If you hang onto the hope of his eventual return you’ll not fully recover and will jump into his clutches as soon as he beckons…
Then he’ll dump you again!
Enlightened – you are SPOT ON. What you said was so simple but hit the mark – if he loved me he wouldn’t desert me like this. If he loved me, we would have talked through the issues and supported each other.
He will be back. His girlfriend dumped him when she found out about he and I and then he cut me off a couple of weeks later (when he wormed himself back together with her). I give it another couple of months til he’s bored again and her guard has relaxed a little and then he will contact me. I want it to be long enough where I’m strong enough to not be sucked back in and I know that extra time will help. It ebbs and flows now. It’s only been six weeks but I’ve made huge leaps in that time I think. What a huge loss for that miserable bastard.
I pity his girlfriend because she is obviously neck deep in this too to take him back like that. And I have major remorse for being the other woman. I am NOT that kind of person and have never done that before. I stupidly believed him when he said he was breaking up with her and on the way out and because I was in love with him and what we had was different to anyone else, I allowed myself to do that.
@Sadie: Mine won’t be back. I told her she was BPD. She is in the caring field. Harsh words were exchanged between us. Pretty sad stuff. I wish I’d never met her in truth. Can’t shake her outta my soul. In a way I want her to return but on the other hand I know it’s too damaged now. She is a high functioning Borderline Waif with narcissistic traits. I know I got issues also but Christ, I thought we were in love; as mad as it admittedly was…
Do you reckon she’ll ever contact me again?
I’d never say never with these people. They aren’t like us and feel like we do so it comes down to when they need to be fed again. I’d say in most cases they do pop up again at some point, based on that.
Mine too was very narcissistic and even told me that he owned me hahaha!! I thought he was kidding but now I realize he wasn’t. I was a possession to him, a convenience. When I became inconvenient, and called him out on something he did (and therefore exposing him for the fraud he is), he ran. Guaranteed he will be back though when he wants another boost. I’d never rule any of these people out to reappear. They’re sick individuals. I wish I’d never met mine either. I know it will get better and I’ll be stronger for the experience though so I can’t look back and be negative. Just need to move on from this and know there are good men out there.
It’s funny how almost all of our stories fit the same exact pattern. It’s been just over 8 months for me new since my BPD ex-best friend split me black after I confronted her about screwing her next door neighbor. It’s still hurts a bit, but it is much better. This blog has helped a lot, especially by reminding me what a blessing it is having her f-ing ass out of my life. There are days when I wonder if she will ever come back. In my case, I don’t think so – I busted her red handed and she is way too ashamed. In fact, I’m sure she is still hiding the affair from her family and friends. And I agree, I wish I would have never have met her, not just because of the pain she has caused, but because I know she mirrored me throughout our entire friendship and I honestly have no idea who she really it. That’s the worst, thinking you know someone like a sister and then to realize she is a total stranger.
It is funny isn’t it? We are in the same boat. Seems like they disappear once you blow their cover. The hardest part for me is knowing now that he played me all along just to get what he wanted. I feel sorry for him that he can’t feel love like we do. Very convincing though. The compliments, the look in his eyes, the moments we shared. All for nothing though I’m sure it will be the last time I’m ever in a web like this. I’ll know what to look for next time. How sad for these pathetic people to miss out on so much.
I don’t actually know if I blew her cover. I don’t know anything anymore in truth guys. I even doubt she is BPD. My mind is in two places at once. Sometimes I feel that yes, she is BPD and almost as soon as I reconsider and blame myself…
Very troubling. It’s been four months ffs! We only dated for 5. It was damned intense. That idealisation bit was awesome! I was the best; the sexiest; the brainiest… My kisses were “life changing”; I had kudos; I was cool as….; she’d never felt like that before; blah, blah… Jesus, the adoration knocked me sideways!
And those meetings. What can I say. She’s gone now….
I doubt seriously that she’ll return. I accused her outright of cheating without evidence. It was a gut feeling. There’s no way I’ll ever see her again after the mouthful I gave her. Even so, I could never just freeze someone out like that… Sure, I’d be bloody hurt if she’s said those things to me but I’d recover. I dunno. So many mind-games got played. I’m well befuddled. And hurt…
Why the hell do it still grip me? I thought it would have passed by now. But those waves. They wash over and all you do is ache and ache. I need a full-frontal to erase her. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever pull through this. It frightens me. And still I’m blocked. There’s no empathy. Did I imagine her? That’s how it feels… Did we really have a relationship? I’m baffled.
And that’s exactly where they get their power. I too blamed myself back and forth thinking I was too harsh on him all because I ignored ONE text. That’s just crazy. They take away any self belief you have left and you start to believe YOU are the problem. You’re not. You made her face up to what she is and it terrifies them so they cut us off. Well, fuck them. It’s their loss. We are left in pieces but we must move forward. I too ache and try to make sense of it all but you can’t. It’s pointless. I sleep well at night knowing I still have the capacity to love and I did it with all my heart. It was just the wrong person and one who cruelly took advantage of the good things in me. I’m not going to let him destroy me completely.
I put myself in someone else’s shoes and imagine hearing my story. That gives great perspective. If one of my friends told me my story, there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind that it was all him, that he is the one who is sick. Not me. We have to move on and not let them take every part of us.
Cheers Sadie, you’re right of course. x
Another bloody odd thing here is my ex’s friendship with a vulnerable guy that lives in NY. They’ve never met each other but have a rather close bond that has always intrigued me. He’s not her type, I can see that because he’s way too vulnerable and fragile (she’d kill him if they got romantic because he’d never cope with her psychology in the long run once her issues kicked in) but, nevertheless, there he is on my Facebook friend list….
When my Borderline and I split for the last time I removed him as friend and blocked him because I considered him to be way too close to the source of my pain and confusion (we’d never been close other than the occasional banter on my wall and a few private messages, whereby he’d instil in me the philosophy that my ex should be treated like a queen). But I unblocked him a few weeks later because my curiosity got the better of me, lol. Now, here’s the thing. Even though my ex had blocked me out of her life completely, and even though I’d been (admittedly) awful to her friend by blocking, he added me back as friend? He’s still there on my list and we’ve exchanged a few messages since however, all I’ve done is rubbish his close “best friend”, “sister”, of seven years: my ex!!!
Why is he still on my list? I think I’d personally remove somebody I didn’t have history with if they were continually slagging off a close buddy of mine; wouldn’t you? So, and I’ve asked myself this a few times now but not him — yet, is he spying for her or does he care about me……………
Perhaps he feels sorry for me! Sheeet, I don’t need that, man. I’m a big ugly 42 yr old geezer with tats. So why hasn’t he deleted me? I mean, only the other day I told him (deliberately) that I viewed my ex as being BPD and immature… But he’s still there, ffs!!! So, okay he has now stopped responding to my messages (which feels eerily like being back with her in truth and creeps me out) but has not removed my sorry ass from his friend list. What’s going on here? Should I just remove him again and be done with it?
I know he’s passing my messages back to her. It feels weird. And some of his responses to my furtive searching has baffled me. For instance, when I said I’d like to be friends he replied: “I’m sure you two will be friends again one day…” And, when I said I was confused he replied: “It’s gonna be alright.” To which I responded: “What is?” His answer to that: “Everything….” WTF????? Cryptic or what…
The strangest thing about all this is her not being there. I seem to have spent all this time alone yet still connected to her somehow… I’m baffled by the whole shitty experience. I also get a sense of impending doom too for some reason. Like something is going to happen soon….
So, Sadie, friends on here, what do you make of this?
Ok so all the post remind me of the HELL we all have been through. My ex-best friend (BPD) always seemed to tell me stories about her life and childhood that were sad, heartbreaking and somehow she was ALWAYS the victim. And at first I believed everything but then she would change the story (tweak) it and I would question her than she would twist it back on me. SO confused… finally after two years of friendship and 2000 dollars of giving, and giving to her I just let her have it! She had been pushing me away, ignoring my calls then claimed that I was calling her too much, although she could call me 3 times in an hour time frame. Then she would lie about the most trival stupid stuff. I read her email and she had been telling people that I was evil! seriously, she didnt think I wasn’t evil beinging there for her financially, or helping her when her family was treating her horrible. I was slap devastated!! She caught me reading her email and its been over a year since her deafing silent treatment. She has slandered my name she avoids me like crazy, i have lost most of our mutual friends and she hasn’t missed a beat. SO hurt, its not fair, I reached out repeatly to just make peace. she just went more silent and disappeared well sort of. Everytime we see each other she runs away or looks the other way.. like I dont exist! What should I do?? All I want is peace NOT a friendship! What is her purpose with acting that way??
You should run far far away. She has given you a gift by cutting you out of her life. You will not find peace with a person who isn’t even at peace with themselves. If she has already tarnished your relationship and your good name, she has proven that she is not worthy of your friendship. She has already done enough damage to you. Do not let her do any more. If you want to know why she is acting this way, keep reading this blog. This behavior is typical of a full-blown borderline. Find solace in the fact that you are not alone.
Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. Ultimately, there is no real sane or logical explanation for being “split black.” I drove myself nearly nuts the first few months wondering how my best friend, whom I had helped financially, was like an uncle to her kids, and her deepest confidant could just cut me out of her life (all the while playing the victim and blaming me for the demise of the friendship). But through my reading on BPD I realized it was senseless trying to “understand” it – this is their safety mechanism – especially when they feel threatened. I had to keep wanting a sick and selfish person to think and act like a sane and selfless person. Savory is right – get very, very far away. It hurts, I know – but it gets better. My resolution is to not let anyone else manipulate me like that again. I’ve stopped beating myself up and keep reminding myself what a blessing it is to have her ass our of my life.
Just wanted to tell both of you thank you so very much!! I appreciate the awesome truthful responses. Zan I just sent another question but no need to respond cause I feel You have given all the answers I need!! Totally appreciate this thread!! Peace, we must stay strong!!
One more thing that I forgot to say.
My ex and I haven’t communicated for months however, she spotted my profile on Twitter and blocked me. That really hurt!!! Then, after I’d corresponded with her NY buddy on Facebook she unblocked me on Twitter, posted a cryptic tweet and blocked me again…
Are mind games being played here??? I feel like I’m being somehow manipulated.
Dunno…
Enlightened – to me it almost sounds like SHE has access to his Facebook, which is why you haven’t been unfriended on there. Chances are if this guy is as vulnerable as you say, she’s manipulated him to enough to give her access to his fb so she can spy on you and ultimately retain a bit of control. That’s what it sounds like to me at least. I can’t think of any other logical reason. Not that we are dealing with logical people here but yeah……I’m betting that’s what’s happening. It almost sounds like it was her responding to those messages too. As a nice little power play/mind f**k on her part. Very twisted.
@Sadie: Interesting theory! You know, I does kinda feel eerily reminiscent of the contact situation I had with her before she put up the ten inch thick steel wall… I’m not sure my NY “friend” would allow her access to his Fb account mind. It’s an odd situation….
Personally I wouldn’t put it past either of them. Sorry if that sounds harsh – not meaning to – but from what you said, the NY friend sounds as though he could be caught up enough in her web to be easily swayed. It just sounds really suss to me. But what would I know, eh?
You make a LOT of sense to me Sadie. Thank you for chatting to me. Much Appreciated. How’s your situation going? Btw, happy New Year…..
Awwww of course, Enlightened. You’re so welcome. We are all going through this together so if it makes us feel any less alone then I’m happy!
THAT is healthy. I deserve so much more because I’m a bloody great woman and it just really sucks for him to not have me in his life. I’ve joined a dating site and have had a couple of good dates and funnily enough am not needy at all. If they wanna see me again, then they can let me know. I’m not gonna chase anyone and I’m worth being pursued. Because I’m a prize. Hahaha how good is that?!! I hope you start doing better too. Life is too short for us to waste years on someone not worthy. There’s so much more out there for all of us! Happy New Year to you too! Are you in the US? I thought Australia first off but not sure.
I’m doing great right now. I see the man’s pedestal diminishing day by day and seeing him for who he is. I have my ups and downs but mostly I feel I’m turning a corner and now I am feeling more like “who the hell are you to treat someone that way, you miserable excuse for a man.”
Yes, Sadie, you deserve better and I reckon you’ll soon meet another guy prepared to meet your needs selflessly… That’s what it’s all about isn’t it… Meeting each others needs. It shouldn’t be a one-sided route. All relationships are difficult regardless of BPD or not. It’s bloody hard work making these things work because you gotta take the risk of getting seriously hurt. I would never have taken things so far with my ex had I known in advance that, after all the declarations of love, etc, she’d just split without a backward glance or a change of heart once SHE decided the game was up… She has made me feel inadequate and shamed; guilty and to blame. After everything that occurred she hasn’t once softened and elected to discuss the events that transpired. I believe my honesty killed us. Whenever I rocked-the-proverbial it was always coming from a genuine place. I didn’t do anything surreptitiously…
She was never truly rageful. Yes, she’d suddenly explode verbally on the phone if I disagreed or upset her (usually without realising what I’d done, lmao). With my Borderline it was more subtle. As she is a psychotherapist the games played were of a psychological nature more often than not and really hard to decipher accurately. I believe she is a high functioning waif type (like Marylin Monroe). More cerebral than physical. Intellectual. Bookish. Very girlish. Manipulative; seductive; alluring and sensual are words I’d say suited her best. I can see why men trip over to reach her. I can also see clearly now, after what you said, that the NY guy is probably deeply enmeshed also. Actually a very lovely person on the whole; but devious and unwilling to play on an even pitch…
The end must come in all relationships that are failing repeatedly but BPD meltdowns are very painful indeed. It’s been many weeks now since my ex shut me out. Since then there has been no softening. No nostalgic moments whereby she might text to say hi. Not even a birthday, Christmas or New Year message. Looking back over everything, and considering how deep, passionate, close and intimate it was between us, I’d say this was abnormal behaviour. Certainly not the way I operate.
I’m still buddies with a number of ex’s. Not this one! They just move on. I have become, in essence, just another bit of hurt for her to hold onto. Like all the other failed relationships she’s had whereby it was always the guy that abused her, I have been added to the “blacked-list” and someone else is now going through what I had to endure: an endless repetitive cycle whereby she’d postmortem her romantic history. I feel that I was her therapist but I said the wrong things and asked for too much in return…
Anyway, Sadie, I live in the UK. x
Ah the UK! Nice. I just got back from London on Friday actually. Was great to have Christmas there and get away for a while.
Your story sounds so much like mine. Im so bewildered by it all that sometimes I question my own sanity and wonder if the relationship even really happened at all or did I imagine it! Haha, that’s crazy!
As hurt as I am by the whole situation, I’m glad he’s gone now. I was not able to see the situation for what it was while I was still in it. I was in denial despite that nagging something-not-quite-right voice inside of me.
I truly believe that they are doing us a favour by cutting us off. I know the pain and the emptiness some days is unbearable but I think of the way this man was slowly destroying me and to me, that is far worse. It’s less painful in the end to rip the band aid off quicker, don’t you think? I know it’s a different kind of pain but I really feel like you’ll be stronger for this, as will I, once we’ve truly moved on.
Thanks for your kind words….I guarantee I’ll look back on these the next time the rollercoaster dips, and it will. Hopefully it will only be a little bump though and less and less each time!
I’m finding I’m starting to bore myself now thinking about him and my heartbreak so that has to be a good sign right? When I start feeling sad I roll my eyes at myself so I know I’m well on my way to healing. See, I don’t tolerate bullshit from anyone now, even ME!!
Curious now, where do you live? Yes, time to move on……
Country not address, lmao!!!!!!!!!! Yes, sounds like you’re getting better and so am Sadie… It comes in waves mind! Don’t be fooled………..
I live at 6….oh!!! Hahaha just kidding!
I live in the US right now.
Oh I know. I think half the battle is being aware that it all ebbs and flows and allowing yourself that time to grieve if you need to and not to be too hard on yourself when you have those bad days. And I do. But I keep busy and I get out and live my life so it lessens the pain a little and reminds me that life goes on. I’m in a good phase right now, which is surprising but positive given the time of the year. It can only get better. Though I’m aware there will still be more bumps in the road. I’m dreading our paths crossing most of all as we live and work close to each other. Ugh. Hope I’ve got my arse kicking boots on that day.
I’ve wasted a lot of my life on people who couldn’t change – who ultimately harmed me rather than helped me with anything. What they did provide however, was a marvelous distraction from actually living the life of my own dreams (because that is harder than trying to save someone else) … life is short – why be locked up in rooms with these people who are, let’s face it, are impossible to deal with. You can’t help them – trained professionals will spend years trying to help them – someday they might help themselves and someone will get to be with them … but it won’t be you. The added dilemma is that the relationship is so damaging and the time wastage so great that you will waste even more time trying to figure it all out – that will never happen – just be happy it’s over … think about what you actually want … you want a sense of purpose, you want to be loved … get that from a job and someone who is worthy of your time … and first get real about really looking after YOURSELF … when you get that in the bag, you’ll never look back. LOVE !
I think I was in a relationship with someone who was BPD? he was not diagnosed with it or never told me he was but he always complained of being stressed and at one point said he was seeing a shrink for feeling the same and that he was emotionally distancing himself from me. The relationship was great in the begining, he said he had never had a serious relationship or been in love but he knew I was the one (he’s nearly 30). He talked of marriage, babies the works! Then he started breaking up with me over silly things. I eventually found out from a member of his family most of what he had told me about himself were lies, I challanged him and he became upset, said he had only said those things to impress me and that was also the reason he had to get out of the relationship because he didnt think I would love him for who he actually was. Anyway feeling sorry and in love i forgave him and everything was ok again for a while, I accepted his problem of being a compulsive liar (he lies to everyone not just me) until he again broke up with me, we argued for months because I kept trying to make it right and win him back, he made up reasons why I was to blame until in the end I was so ill and beaten down I gave up. After christmas we got back in contact and he apologised for everything and said he hoped I knew he did care for me and we started up a friendship again, since then he has cut off contact with me twice over silly arguments, again I am the one being blamed and apologising. This time Ive not tried to make it right Ive let him go, he says he has a new girlfriend which I know is not true but he also said he had put me to the back of his mind which really hurt,its only a week of no contact and I miss him dearly but I know there is something terribly wrong here??